A Friendly Bill Of Health
Editors' Choice, Hall of Fame, Inspirational, Kind Strangers, Money, Pets & Animals | Healthy | April 5, 2016
(When I was 19 I had just moved into my first apartment. I got a kitten from a friend’s cat that had kittens. I suffered from severe (suicidal) depression at the time, barely leaving the house or doing anything. Once I had a kitten to care for, I had a lot more motivation to care for myself. It was a huge step in getting myself into therapy and recovering. No matter how bad things got, I always had my baby kitty who always loved me. She lives with me for 18 years in reasonably good health but eventually, her kidneys give out and it is her time. Unfortunately, I have just lost my job and we are pretty broke. As we are long time, reliable clients of the vet, they agree to let us pay in installments. I sell some crafts I make online so I make social media posts promoting my craft site to help cover the costs of my baby kitty’s euthanasia and cremation. About a week later of stressful, sad job-hunting and desperate crafting, I get a phone call from the vet
Vet: “I have some news for you.”
Me: *confused* “Okay…”
Vet: “Someone called in and anonymously paid your bill.”
Me: “What…?”
Vet: “They made us swear to keep it anonymous, but your entire vet bill has been cleared up. You don’t have to worry about it anymore.”
Me: *sobbing uncontrollably*
(I don’t think I will ever be able to thank that anonymous donor enough. My kitty was a literal lifesaver. Losing her (even after having her for 18 years) was crushing to me. I worried the stress was going to push me back into the depression again, but this act of kindness brought me back. Thank you.)
A-Pee-l For An Appointment
Health & Body, Hospital, Oregon, USA | Healthy Right | February 21, 2011
(Some of the exams we schedule require that a patient have a full bladder at the time of the exam in order to get the appropriate images.)
Caller: “Hi, I was hoping you might have an opening for an OB ultrasound this afternoon?”
Me: “I’m sorry, the schedule is actually very full today. I could get her in tomorrow afternoon, if you’d like?”
Caller: “No, that’s okay. She’s just here now with a full bladder and we didn’t want to waste it.”
Sadly Wasn’t Born Yesterday, Part 2
Health & Body, Hospital, Parents/Guardians, Texas, USA | Healthy Right | November 20, 2010
Me: “Thank you for calling [Hospital]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “Yeah. I had a baby at your hospital about a week ago, and when I was discharged I got a lot of papers and some samples. One of the papers says something about a PKU test.”
Me: “Yes, ma’am. How can I help you with that?”
Caller: “Well, it says on this paper that I need to bring my ‘new arrival’ to registration and they would help me get the PKU test done. I want you to know that I have looked all through the papers and stuff you gave me and I can’t find anything marked ‘new arrival.’ What is this ‘new arrival’ I am supposed to bring with me when I come in?”
Me: “Ma’am, that would be your infant child… Your new baby.”
Caller: “Oh, my freaking God! If you mean ‘new baby’ then write ‘new baby’! Not everyone understands this hospital medical jargon!”
In(tentional) Sickness And In Health
British Columbia, Canada, Editors' Choice, Emergency Services, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners, Vancouver | Healthy Right | March 14, 2010
(We respond to an unconscious diabetic. While my partner is treating the patient, I am asking the wife some questions.)
Me: “So, is your husband on any medications?”
(She lists the medications her husband is on, including insulin.)
Me: “And has he been compliant with those medications lately?”
Wife: “Nope.”
Me: “Do you know why not?”
Wife: “Well, we had a big fight last week, so I hid all his meds. He hasn’t found them yet.”
He’ll Be In The Afterlife After The Birth
California, Hospital, Jerk, Marriage & Partners, USA | Healthy | October 31, 2009
(It is Halloween. The hospital staff have put up decorations, but they’re minimal. I’m trying to wheel a patient who is in labor to the room she was assigned, along with her husband.)
Patient’s Husband: “We should put her in the room with the witch hanging over the door.”
Me: “I’m sorry. That room’s actually a different size. I’m supposed to take you to room 79.”
Patient’s Husband: “But that room has a ghost. She wants a witch.”
Me: “The only room we have with that decoration is half the size of this one, and doesn’t have all the same equipment in it. This is the room you paid for.”
Patient’s Husband: “It has to be a witch. She’s been real nasty all week.”
(As she hears her husband say this, the wife is looking less and less pleased. She is a week overdue, and has been in for false labor pains the past two weeks.)
Me: “That’s interesting, but there aren’t any decorations inside the room anyway. What is inside this room is a much wider space for the doctor and nurses to provide her with better care.”
Patient’s Husband: “She wants a witch, so put her in the room with the witch.”
(Finally, the patient has had enough and speaks up.)
Patient: “Shut up. I want to get this kid out in whatever room the people who know what they’re doing think is best, you dumb troll!
Totally Plastered
Editors' Choice, Health & Body, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Stupid, USA | Healthy Right | October 30, 2009
Me: “All right, your cast is on nice and secure. It should heal within four to six weeks.”
Patient: “Really? Only four to six minutes?”
Me: “No, four to six weeks.”
Patient: “Okay, four to six minutes.”
Me: “Sir, it’s impossible for it to heal within four to six minutes. It takes about four to six weeks.”
Patient: “Oh, all right.”
(I turn around to fill out his form. When I turn back around, he has taken off his cast.)
Me: “Sir, why did you take off your cast?!”
Patient: “Well, you said it heals within four to six minutes, but you said it was too short. I waited seven minutes… but it still hurts.”
Me: “Sir, your arm is still broken. Four to six weeks is around a month and a half.”
Patient: “Well, why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?! A month and a half is five weeks! Why did you say four to six minutes?”
Me: “I never said…” *I pause and compose myself* “…Okay, nevermind. Let’s put on a new cast.”
Patient: “Oooh! Can I have a pink one?”
This story is part of our “Customers so stupid they should not be alive” roundup!
They Call Me Doctor DIY
Call Center, Dentist, Doctor/Physician, Editors' Choice, Funny | Healthy Right | October 22, 2009
(We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)
Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”
Me: “Clockwise.”
Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”
Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise… to the right.”
Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”
Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”
Doctor: “Okay, I think I got it.”
Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Doctor: “What was that?”
Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”
Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”
Me: “Great. All finished?”
(The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)
Doctor: “You’re all done then!”
Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you, doctor.”
If The Zits Don’t Kill You, The Angst Will
Funny, Health & Body, Medical Office, Stupid, Teenagers, USA | Healthy Right | October 6, 2009
Me: Hello this is [Doctor’s Office]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!”
(From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.)
Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–”
Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead… and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!”
Getting On Your Nerves
Dentist, Funny, Health & Body, USA | Healthy Right | September 22, 2009
(I am a dentist about to give a patient a shot of local anesthetic).
Patient: “I hate needles. Will this hurt?”
Me: “Just concentrate on taking nice, deep breaths. It’ll be over before you know it.”
Patient: “Could you please tell me when you’re ready to give the shot? I need to know!”
Me: “Sure. I’ll give it on the count of three. Ready? One, two–”
Patient: *screams* “You’re killing me! It hurts so much!”
Me: “I haven’t actually given you the shot yet.”
Patient: “Oh. Well, um, I was just practicing for when you did.”
We Want Your Braaaiiins
Health & Body, Hospital, Math & Science, USA | Healthy Right | September 16, 2009
(A subject is speaking with me about a sleep-study we were doing.)
Subject: “So, I’ll just have to go to sleep for the study, right?”
Me:: “That’s correct. We’re just using those scanning machines to test brain function during REM sleep.”
Subject: *suddenly fearful* “You expect me to sleep with those machines cutting into my brain?!”
Less Twilight, More Daylight
Bizarre, Health & Body, Hospital, USA | Healthy Right | September 1, 2009
Me: “Hi, this is anesthesia. How can I help you?”
Caller: “This is the blood bank, right?”
Me: “No, this is anesthesia.”
Caller: “That’s the same thing, right?”
Me: “Not really.”
Caller: “Well, what is anesthesia?”
Me: “The stuff that puts you to sleep before surgery.”
Caller: “Well who cares about that crap!”
Me: “People who need surgery?”
Caller: “No! You know what they need? BLOOD!”
Me: “Okay… but you still have the wrong number.”
Caller: “Vampires need blood! You’re not a vampire because you don’t need blood! Humans don’t need blood!”
Me: “Sir, humans need blood just as much as a vampire.”
Caller: “Wait, so humans are vampires?”
Me: “No, they just need–”
Caller: “Holy f***! I’M A VAMPIRE! You just made my day!”
That Is ‘Pretty’ Awesome
Adorable Children, Australia, Awesome, Editors' Choice, Hall of Fame, Health & Body, Inspirational, Melbourne, Photography Studio, Victoria | Healthy Related Right | August 15, 2009
(I am a photographer running a studio in the inner city. We are well known for our children’s portraits, and we range from high-end portraits for modelling jobs to fun sibling photos and birth announcements. We do a bit of everything; as such, we are extremely busy, and it states on our website that we do not accept walk-ins. We are usually booked up six months in advance. One day, ten minutes before closing, a mum walks in with a young girl around six or seven behind her. I internally groan.)
Mother: “Hello. I know you’re closing soon, but I have a special favour to ask.”
(At this point the little girl peeks around her mother’s legs and I’m lost for words. Under her thick winter coat and hat, she is skeletally thin with huge dark circles under her eyes. From what I can tell, she has no hair, and a tube taped to her cheek that feeds into her nose. It is immediately clear this kid is very, very sick.)
Mother: *near tears* “My daughter saw one of your photos taped to the wall at the hospital. She REALLY loves unicorns and the photo had a girl photo-shopped onto a horse. I know you’re booked up, and it’s months before the next appointment, but…”
(At this point she actually starts crying. I realise that our next available appointment is probably way too far away for this particular kid. The little girl squeezes her mother’s hand. I am a very big dude, covered in tattoos and a beard, but I’m not ashamed to say I needed a minute before I spoke.)
Me: “Aww, that’s just for regular customers! I’ve been waiting all day to take a photo of someone as beautiful as you! What’s your name, sweetheart?”
(I lock the front door and spend the next three hours taking photos of this kid in every princess costume I have in my closet. She is the sweetest, most well-behaved kid I have ever worked with. Once we’re done, she curls up on the couch in my office and falls asleep while I load up the photos for her mum to see and choose the ones she likes best and ask her what kind of retouching she’d like done. She’s adamant that I leave her daughter as is — apparently, the little girl has been worried for the past month that she is no longer “pretty.”)
Me: “All right, so we’ve settled on these. I can have them edited and all finished in two days. If you give me your email I can send you the link to the website and the password to download them when they’re ready.”
(The mother thanks me over and over and comes up front, carrying her sleeping daughter, and holds out her credit card.)
Me: “Nope. No way.”
Mother: “Please, I insist. You stayed open so late and your shoots are listed for [amount] online. Please at least charge me that.
Me: “Absolutely not. I am not taking money for this. No way in h***.”
(A few days later I send the link through and hear nothing. I see she’s downloaded the photos and I think nothing of it, hoping my sweet little friend loved her photos. Almost six months later I’m once again closing up when a very familiar face pops up at my window, grinning and waving frantically.)
Me: *throwing open the door* “Hey, you!”
Little Girl: “Hi! I’m better! Look, I’m better!”
(Sure enough, she’d put on some weight, was flushed and pink, and had a fine fuzz of hair over her head. Her mother was a few steps behind her, grinning. She once again tried to force an envelope full of money into my hand, and again I refused. She got frustrated and eventually in her exasperation said, “at least let us take you to dinner!” which I happily accepted. Seven years later that photo of a sick little girl astride a giant pink unicorn is in a frame in my lounge room. My now-step-daughter groans every time I point it out to the friends she brings home!)
The CSR Of Delphi
Books & Reading, Bookstore, Health & Body, Impossible Demands, USA | Healthy Right | August 5, 2009
Me: “Good evening, thank you for calling [Bookstore]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “My husband is going in for a CAT scan, and he’s kind of claustrophobic. I was wondering what kind of equipment they use?”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I really don’t have that kind of information. Maybe if you called your doctor?”
Caller: “It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday night! My doctor’s office is closed, duh! That’s why I’m asking you!”
Me: “I’m sorry, but we really don’t have that information.”
Caller: “Well, you have books, don’t you? Why don’t you just go and look it up in a book?”
Me: “Ma’am, we do have a small selection of home reference medical books, but I can’t look it up for you.”
Caller: “Well, you have an intercom, don’t you? Why don’t you just page a doctor and ask him to come to the phone and talk to me?”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We really aren’t allowed to do that sort of thing.”
Caller: “Well, can you at least connect me with the information desk, or is that too much to ask?!”
Me: “This is the information desk.”
Caller: “Well, a fat lot of good you are!” *click*
On The Bright Side, There Are Worse Orifices
Funny, Health & Body, Pharmacy, Stupid, USA | Healthy Right | July 15, 2009
Me: “[Pharmacy], how can I help you?”
Customer: “Yeah, your medicine is defective.”
Me: “Sir, why don’t I get your information so I can take a look at your profile.”
Customer: *gives his name and date of birth*
Me: “I see that the last prescriptions you filled were antibiotics and drops for your ear infection. Are your symptoms still bothering you?”
Customer: “Yes, and how the h*** do you expect me to fit this giant pill in my ear?”
Me: “Sir, that’s an antibiotic tablet. It’s meant to be taken orally.”
Pint-Sized Purification
Funny, Impossible Demands, Medical Office, Medication, USA | Healthy Right | June 17, 2009
Caller: “Hi, do you have any doctors that prescribe detox drugs?”
Me: “No, we don’t provide that service.”
Caller: “How do you know? You have lots of doctors. How do you know?!”
Me: “We don’t specialize in addiction treatment. Our doctors aren’t that type of practitioner.”
Caller: “Why?! What if I need them to be?”
Me: “Well, then you would have to call another office.”
Caller: “What kind of doctors don’t prescribe detox meds?!”
The Flesh Is Bright But The Mind Is Dimming
Health & Body, Hospital, Stupid, USA | Healthy Right | June 8, 2009
Me: “Okay, sir, just a few X-rays and we’ll be done.”
Patient: “Please make it quick. I don’t want to glow when I leave!”
Me: “No, sir, I promise you won’t glow. That’s just an X-ray joke.”
Patient: “It’s dark out! I can’t glow or I’ll be seen!”
Me: “Sir, I swear you will not glow.”
Patient: “NO GLOOOWWWIINNG!”
Me: *gives up* “The glow afterward is so faint, no one will ever see it.”
Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right
Hospital, Patients, Stupid, USA | Healthy | May 20, 2009
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.
(I work in healthcare and am talking to a man in his fifties who is having angina for the first time.)
Me: “You haven’t had a heart attack, but this pain is probably coming from your heart.”
Man: “But I’m only fifty-something, and there are no heart problems in my family. Why would that be?”
Me: “You smoke thirty cigarettes a day and drink two cartons of beer per week. That’s not good for your heart. You should think about cutting down.”
Man: “I’m sick of you people telling me that bulls***! It’s a scientifically proven fact that smoking makes your arteries smaller, and drinking makes them bigger! If I keep drinking and smoking, I’ll be fine!”
Me: “That’s not at all how it works, but I see I’m not going to change your mind. You’ll be going upstairs soon.”
Diễn Đàn Người Việt Hải Ngoại. Tự do ngôn luận, an toàn và uy tín. Vì một tương lai tươi đẹp cho các thế hệ Việt Nam hãy ghé thăm chúng tôi, hãy tâm sự với chúng tôi mỗi ngày, mỗi giờ và mỗi giây phút có thể. VietBF.Com Xin cám ơn các bạn, chúc tất cả các bạn vui vẻ và gặp nhiều may mắn.
Welcome to Vietnamese American Community, Vietnamese European, Canadian, Australian Forum, Vietnamese Overseas Forum. Freedom of speech, safety and prestige. For a beautiful future for Vietnamese generations, please visit us, talk to us every day, every hour and every moment possible. VietBF.Com Thank you all and good luck.
News
Library
Technology
Giải Trí
Portals
Tin Sốt
Home
