Survival Of The Fittest In Action
Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Patients, Stupid, USA | Healthy | May 14, 2009
Me: “Hello, this is [Doctor]’s office. Can I help you?”
Patient: “Yeah, is there an injection I can get for my gout?”
Me: “I don’t think so. I think we only give injections for muscle pain, but I can double-check for you.”
Patient: “Yeah, check. I’m going away this weekend and my ankle really hurts. My primary doctor says it’s not gout. I had these labs done, and they all say it’s not gout, but it really hurts.”
Me: “It’s not gout, but you want to know about a gout injection?”
Patient: “Well, they say it’s not gout, but I was at a bar and a guy looked at it and said, ‘That’s gout, all right!'”
Me: *pause* “A guy at the bar?”
Patient: “Yeah. And he gave me one of his pills, and it really helped.”
Me: “You took a pill from some guy in a bar?!”
Patient: “Yeah, it really helped, and it was gout medicine, so I think I have gout. So, is there an injection?”
Me: “Hold, please.”
(At this point, I go ask my manager if a gout injection exists, which it doesn’t, and I explain the situation. She agrees that this is completely stupid, but that if the woman wants gout medication, we can prescribe it.)
Me: “Thanks for holding. Turns out there’s no injection for gout.”
Patient: “Really? My ankle’s killing me.”
Me: “Well, if the medicine you took worked for you, we may be able to write you a prescription for it.”
Patient: “Oh, I already have a prescription.”
Me: “You… already have a prescription that stops your pain? Are you taking it?”
Patient: “No, I thought an injection might be faster.”
Me: *long pause* “Is there anything else you need today?”
Hippocrates Is Rolling Over In His Grave
Doctor/Physician, Insurance, Jerk, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | May 13, 2009
Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”
Doctor: “I need to verify my patient’s coverage. Her number is [number].”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a problem and I can’t access that account. I will have to forward this issue over to our technical department, and they will get back to you as soon as possible.”
Doctor: “I need this information immediately. Can I talk to them now? It’s very important.”
Me: “I’m sorry, they are very backed up over there and everything is handled in the order it is received. You will be added to the queue and they will get back to you later today.”
Doctor: “What if she was dying and I needed her coverage information? What then?!”
Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, if the patient was dying there in your office, I would hope you would treat her regardless of her insurance coverage.”
Doctor: “Well, yes — I mean… Just make sure they call me today.” *click*
Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio
Funny, Patients, Pharmacy, Stupid, USA | Healthy | May 12, 2009
Customer: “These things don’t work! They are hard to swallow and I nearly choked to death.”
Me: “Ma’am, they are suppositories. You don’t swallow them; you insert them rectally.”
Customer: “What does that mean?”
Me: “You unwrap them and insert them in your rectum.”
Customer: “What’s my rectum?”
Me: “Ma’am, please forgive me, but your rectum is your butthole.”
Customer: “Well, up yours, too!” *stalks off*
(This is not the first time someone misunderstood when we explained how to use a suppository. It’s the only time we can tell a patient, “Up yours,” and get away with it!)
1 Thumbs
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The (Brain) Damage Has Already Been Done
Alcohol, Call Center, Emergency Services, Germany, Health & Body | Healthy Right | May 6, 2009
(Note: 1-1-2 is Germany’s version of 9-1-1.)
Me: “1-1-2, what’s your emergency?”
Caller: “Oh, my god! Help me! Help me!”
Me: “Calm down, please. Can you tell me what happened, if someone is hurt, and where you are?”
Caller: “I’m at home, and my brain stopped working!”
Me: “Your brain… stopped working? Sir, if your brain would stop working, you would be dead. Can you tell me exactly what happened? Are you bleeding?”
Caller: “No, no. But my brain stopped working! At least half of it! Oh, my god, will the other half stop working as well?! Will I die?! My wife was right! I can’t believe it!”
(At this point, I’m unsure what to do. The man is really in a state of panic, but sounds otherwise fine.)
Me: “Sir, is your wife at home? Can I speak to her? If not, please tell me exactly what you did when your… brain stopped working.”
Caller: “I watched soccer! And drank beer! My wife always told me ‘When you don’t stop that crap, your brain will stop working’ and now it did! I was sitting on the couch and turned my head to look at the clock and suddenly I can’t move my head anymore because the left side of my brain stopped working! Help!”
Me: “Sir, it sounds like you only cricked your neck!”
(I start describing him what a cricked neck feels like and he agrees that this is indeed his problem and that he’ll see a doctor in the morning. I’m about to end the call, when…)
Caller: “Hey, dude…”
Me: “Yes?”
Caller: “Is she right?”
Me: “Who?”
Caller: “My wife. You seem to know a lot about medicine and stuff, so can my brain really stop working from watching too much soccer and drinking beer?”
Me: “Well, alcohol is known for indeed killing brain cells when you drink too much, but you won’t–”
Caller: “Oh, my god! Thank you! I thought she was only kidding me, but when you say it, then I’ll stop! Thank you so much for saving my life! Thank you!”
It’s Called Healthyitis
Bizarre, Doctor/Physician, Health & Body, USA | Healthy Right | April 16, 2009
Me: “Thank you for waiting. My name is [My Name]. What is your call regarding?”
Patient: “Yeah, I want to ask the nurse a question.”
Me: “Is this regarding symptoms you are experiencing?”
Patient: “Yeah… well, kind of.”
Me: “What symptoms are you experiencing?”
Patient: “Actually, none.”
Me: “You are experiencing no symptoms?”
Patient: “Yeah… I have no pain and I just want to know if that is normal.”
Flattery, The Best Medicine
Emergency Services, Health & Body, Medication, Respect Your Elders, USA | Healthy Right | August 26, 2008
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.
(An elderly lady falls down in her apartment and has a cut on her wrist.)
Coworker: “Ma’am, I am afraid, we have to go to the hospital. You will need stitches for that cut and an X-ray to make sure your wrist isn’t broken.”
Patient: “No, I don’t wanna go. Just give me a shot and it will be okay.”
Coworker: “You mean for the pain?”
Patient: “No, so it will heal!”
Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t have this kind of medication.”
Patient: “But it worked last time!”
Coworker: “Someone gave you a shot and the wrist healed by itself?”
Patient: “No, my sugar was too high and they gave me a shot and everything was okay!”
Coworker: “I see… Well, I can’t fool you; you know this stuff! Listen, I can give you a shot for the broken wrist, but this counteracts the anti-sugar medicine. So every time your sugar is too high, you can never get a shot again.”
Patient: “Never ever?”
Coworker: “Never ever again…”
Patient: “So why didn’t you just say so in the first place?”
Coworker: “Well, not every patient has such an understanding of medicine as you, so I always try to keep it simple.”
Honey, He Ain’t A Scrapbooking Project
Editors' Choice, Health & Body, Hospital, Impossible Demands, UK | Healthy Right | July 16, 2008
(I witnessed this on the hospital floor where I work. A patient’s daughter comes out of a hospital room and stands in the hallway, staring around looking lost.)
Nurse’s aide: “Can I help you?”
Daughter: “Yeah… can I have a stapler?”
(The nurse’s aide walks about two steps away to get a stapler and then thinks better of this request.)
Nurse’s aide: “Why do you want a stapler?”
Daughter: “My dad’s IV tubing is getting in his way. I thought it would be better if we stapled it to his arm.”
Nurse’s aide: “Um, I think tape would work better for that.”
Daughter: “You guys have tape here?”
Nurse’s aide: “Yeah, I have some here in my pocket.”
(The aide walks into the room to secure the IV tubing before any more of his genius children try to help.)
Daughter: *muttering* “I still think a stapler is a better idea…”
Either You’re Civil Or You’re OUT
Bad Behavior, Instant Karma, Medical Office, USA | Healthy Right | June 24, 2022
Me: “Thank you for calling [Clinic]. My name is [My Name]. Can I get your name and date of birth?”
Man: “Oh, for f***’s sake… It’s [Man] and [Date].”
Me: “Can I get you to verify your address, please?”
Man: “Why the h*** do you need that for?”
Me: “I’m going to have to ask you to watch your language, sir. I cannot access your chart without three forms of verification.”
Man: “I have a question. You can’t answer a simple f****** question without my address?”
Me: “It depends on what your question is.”
Man: “When was the last time you filled my [medication]?”
Me: “In order to tell you that, I have to access your chart, and in order to do that, I need a third form of verification, like your address or—”
Man: *Screaming* “IT’S [ADDRESS]!”
Me: “Okay, looks like we refilled that for you back in January.”
Man: “That’s what I thought. So, you tell me why the f*** I need to come in and see you before you fill it for me this time?”
Me: “I’m going to ask you again to watch your language. Looking at your chart, it seems like you haven’t been in to see us for over a year. [Doctor] wants you to come in and get checked out first.”
Man: “Then why fill it back in January?”
Me: “They asked you to come in for an appointment then, as well. You made the appointment, they filled your medication, and then you didn’t come in for the appointment.”
Man: “I made an appointment earlier today, but my pharmacy says you refused the refill!”
Me: “[Doctor] is refusing to refill the medication until they see you in person.”
Man: “This is bulls***! Why did you fill it back in January, then?”
Me: “Sir, I’ve already explained that to you.”
Man: “F*** you!”
Me: “I’m going to terminate this call. When you feel like being civil, please call back.”
While we were talking, I typed up a quick note to my coworkers and management letting them know that I was terminating a call in case he called back. One of my managers responded, telling me to document the conversation and that if he did call back, to transfer the patient directly to him.
The man did call back and the girl next to me picked it up. I could hear him cursing at her through the phone. She transferred him to the manager, and I found out later that the man continued to speak that way to the manager. His medication was denied (it was not something vital), his upcoming appointment was canceled, and he was released from his doctor’s care and is not allowed to see any other physician in the clinic.
We Should Totally Just Drug Grandma! (Not Really), Part 2
Emergency Services, Grandparents, Home, Impossible Demands, Liars/Scammers, USA, Virginia | Healthy Related | June 22, 2022
I wrote this story. Grandma has always exaggerated when she feels sick. She used to be a nurse, so you would think she would know better than to do stuff like this.
One day, my grandmother comes downstairs and complains that she has a cough. The problem is we haven’t heard her cough once. She’s not even fake-coughing. She sets up a virtual doctor’s visit, but since the doctor can’t really examine her, he prescribes her a cough medicine for her nonexistent cough. She then complains that it isn’t working. We’re doubting she’s sick since she never goes anywhere and she’s not showing any symptoms, but it is peak pollen season, so we suggest she take an allergy pill. She refuses.
A few days later, Dad finally hears her wheezing a little bit. Mom suggests she make an appointment to go in and actually see her doctor. Grandma has other ideas.
Grandma: “I want to go to the hospital. My cough is just terrible.”
Again, we haven’t heard a single cough from her this whole time.
Mom: “I don’t think you need to go to the hospital. If you don’t want to see your doctor, we can take you to urgent care. They’re less expensive than the ER and can probably help you out.”
Grandma: “No. I need to go to the hospital.”
Dad: “Fine. We’ll take you to the hospital.”
Grandma: “I don’t want you to take me. I want to go by ambulance.”
Dad: “Why?”
Grandma: “Because then I won’t have to wait.”
Mom: “You’ll still have to wait. We’re not calling an ambulance. You don’t need an ambulance. Ambulances are for real emergencies. If you want to go to the hospital, we’ll drive you there.”
Grandma: “I want to go by ambulance! I don’t want to have to wait!”
Dad: “We’re not calling an ambulance!”
Grandma disappeared upstairs. A little bit later, she came back downstairs with a bag. A few minutes later, an ambulance pulled into our driveway. She had pressed the button on her life alert and told the person, “I can’t breathe!”
Grandma walked out to meet the EMTs and told them to take her to the hospital. My dad went out and talked to them. The whole time they were examining her, she was talking a mile a minute and her oxygen was at 98%. The EMTs tried to persuade her not to go to the hospital by ambulance, but she insisted, so they had to take her.
She was highly upset when she spent all day waiting by the nurse’s station to be seen. She did stay in the hospital for several days because they couldn’t determine if it was pneumonia or heart failure. They did eventually diagnose her with heart failure and told her to go on a low-sodium diet, which has caused a host of other issues.
We Should Totally Just Stab Caesar! (Salad)
Grandparents, Home, Impossible Demands, Money, USA, Virginia | Related | November 18, 2019
(My grandmother is incredibly stubborn and refuses to listen. She is also in serious debt because she has proven time and again that she cannot handle her money. She had to move in with us because she ended up filing for bankruptcy. Money is also tight for us at the moment, so we rarely splurge on things like eating out. This happens at dinner one night.)
Grandma: “You know what I want for dinner sometime? I want you to go to [Italian Restaurant] and get a big thing of their salad and bring it home.”
Me: “Just the salad?”
Grandma: “Yes.”
Me: “And what would the rest of dinner be?”
Grandma: “What’s wrong with salad?”
Me: “Nothing, it just doesn’t fill me up.”
Mom: “I can buy a Caesar salad kit and some [Italian Restaurant] dressing at the store for you when I go shopping. Actually, I might have some here.” *gets up to look*
Grandma: “No, I want the salad from [Italian Restaurant]!”
Dad: “Mom, [Italian Restaurant] is all the way on the other side of town. We are nowhere near [Italian Restaurant].”
Grandma: “How far away is it?”
Dad: “Half an hour to forty-five minutes, depending on the time of day and how you hit the lights.”
Grandma: “No, it’s not.”
Dad: “Yes, it is! A lot has changed since you left the area twenty years ago! Besides, [Italian Restaurant] is really expensive and there’s nothing worth getting there.”
(My dad only says this because he hates Italian food.)
Mom: *returning with dressing* “Look, [Grandma], I have the dressing. I will buy a Caesar salad for you and you can put this on.”
Grandma: “No. I want a salad from [Italian Restaurant]. I’ll pay for it myself.”
Dad: “With what money?”
Grandma: “My money.”
Dad: “You don’t have any money!”
Me: “If you really want to go to an Italian restaurant, we can go to [Local Independent Italian Restaurant]. It’s just as good as [Italian Restaurant], but it’s only ten minutes away.”
Grandma: “No! I want salad from [Italian Restaurant]! It’s the best!”
(My parents told her no several more times. She ended up pouting in her room the rest of the night and all of the next day.)
We Should Totally Just Drug Grandma! (Not Really)
Grandparents, Health & Body, Home, Impossible Demands, Jerk, Medication, USA, Virginia | Related | October 12, 2021
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.
I submitted this story. Grandma is up to her tricks again.
One of our cats figured out that if she puts her toys on the track for Grandma’s stairlift, it acts like a slide. This same cat also found and stole a bunch of pipe cleaners my mom had planned on using in her classroom. One day, Grandma wants to come downstairs but her stairlift isn’t working. My dad figures a cat toy is probably jammed in there — not the first time that’s happened — and tries to get it unstuck. It still doesn’t work. Dad tries a few things over the weekend but he can’t fix it. He calls a guy on Monday to come out and look at it later that week. The guy finds that a pipe cleaner has slid in and the metal part touched something and shorted out something electrical. He has to order a part, though, so Grandma is stuck upstairs for at least another week.
Grandma barely leaves her bedroom. It’s actually rather pleasant downstairs, especially at mealtimes. Dad brings her food every day so she doesn’t starve and we don’t have to put up with her. But she starts to get stir-crazy and her behavior gets more extreme as time goes on.
Because Grandma is barely moving, she starts to develop muscle cramps in her legs. A normal person might try stretching or doing a few laps in the hallway upstairs. Not my grandmother. She calls her doctor and gets a prescription for Percocet. She takes one pill, decides it doesn’t work, and schedules another video appointment with the doctor.
My dad is working from home right now, but Grandma doesn’t understand, no matter how many times he explains it to her, that just because he is home, it does not mean he can jump up whenever she calls. Dad gets up super early and finishes his work by 2:00 pm every day. He tells her to schedule her appointments for after 2:00 so he can help her set up the video call. She schedules the second appointment for 11:00 am. When her appointment time arrives, she calls the house phone downstairs and tells him to help her. He says he’s in a meeting and can’t right now. She calls my uncle — Dad’s brother — and says Dad is refusing to help her with her doctor’s appointment. My uncle calls Dad and is like, “what the heck are you doing?” and comes over to help her. The doctor prescribes her Tylenol with tramadol. Once again, she takes one pill and decides it doesn’t work.
The night before her stairlift is supposed to be fixed, she calls the house phone around 9:00 pm. She wants us to take her to the ER so she can get a shot for her pain because “the last shot I got lasted me nine months.” Dad points out that her stairlift is still broken and she can’t get downstairs.
Grandma: “I’m having shooting pain down my legs. I have to go to the hospital. Call 911 and they’ll carry me downstairs.”
Dad: “I’m not calling 911 just so they can carry you downstairs. Did you try Advil?”
Grandma: “No, I can’t take Advil because the doctor wants me to take acetaminophen and you can’t mix those drugs.”
Dad: “When was the last time you took acetaminophen?”
Grandma: “Yesterday. Just call 911 so they can take me to the hospital.”
Dad: “First, how do you plan on paying for this trip? Second, how do you expect to get home?”
Grandma: “They’ll bring me back once I’m done.”
Dad: “No, they won’t. You need to move around some. That will help. But if you really want to go to the hospital, then you can call 911.”
Miraculously, her pain suddenly wasn’t that bad. And sure enough, once the stairlift was fixed and she was able to go downstairs, she started moving around more and she wasn’t in any more pain. And so ends a lovely three weeks without Grandma.
We Should Totally Just Stab Caesar! (Salad)
Grandparents, Home, Impossible Demands, Money, USA, Virginia | Related | November 18, 2019
(My grandmother is incredibly stubborn and refuses to listen. She is also in serious debt because she has proven time and again that she cannot handle her money. She had to move in with us because she ended up filing for bankruptcy. Money is also tight for us at the moment, so we rarely splurge on things like eating out. This happens at dinner one night.)
Grandma: “You know what I want for dinner sometime? I want you to go to [Italian Restaurant] and get a big thing of their salad and bring it home.”
Me: “Just the salad?”
Grandma: “Yes.”
Me: “And what would the rest of dinner be?”
Grandma: “What’s wrong with salad?”
Me: “Nothing, it just doesn’t fill me up.”
Mom: “I can buy a Caesar salad kit and some [Italian Restaurant] dressing at the store for you when I go shopping. Actually, I might have some here.” *gets up to look*
Grandma: “No, I want the salad from [Italian Restaurant]!”
Dad: “Mom, [Italian Restaurant] is all the way on the other side of town. We are nowhere near [Italian Restaurant].”
Grandma: “How far away is it?”
Dad: “Half an hour to forty-five minutes, depending on the time of day and how you hit the lights.”
Grandma: “No, it’s not.”
Dad: “Yes, it is! A lot has changed since you left the area twenty years ago! Besides, [Italian Restaurant] is really expensive and there’s nothing worth getting there.”
(My dad only says this because he hates Italian food.)
Mom: *returning with dressing* “Look, [Grandma], I have the dressing. I will buy a Caesar salad for you and you can put this on.”
Grandma: “No. I want a salad from [Italian Restaurant]. I’ll pay for it myself.”
Dad: “With what money?”
Grandma: “My money.”
Dad: “You don’t have any money!”
Me: “If you really want to go to an Italian restaurant, we can go to [Local Independent Italian Restaurant]. It’s just as good as [Italian Restaurant], but it’s only ten minutes away.”
Grandma: “No! I want salad from [Italian Restaurant]! It’s the best!”
(My parents told her no several more times. She ended up pouting in her room the rest of the night and all of the next day.)
After All He’s Done For You
Emergency Room, Funny, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Healthy Romantic | June 21, 2022
One evening, while preparing dinner, I sliced my finger really badly. My husband drove me to the emergency room, where I got six stitches in my middle finger. Due to health crisis restrictions, my husband couldn’t be in the room with me and had to stay in the lobby.
After the doctor finished, I had an enormous bandage on my swollen, numbed finger to keep everything in place. I walked into the lobby, where my husband jumped to his feet.
Husband: *In a very soothing, hushed tone* “Hey, how is everything? How are you feeling?”
I showed him my bandaged middle finger.
Husband: *In the same soothing tone* “Oh, that’s really rude.”
Clumsiness Occasionally Comes With Perks
Doctor/Physician, Funny, Home, Medical Office, Silly, The Netherlands | Healthy | June 20, 2022
I am a klutz. I bump into things, I cut myself on a daily basis (on anything, from paper to knives), and a lifetime supply of bandages is enough for a month. There is no medical reason for this. I am just inattentive and… a klutz. This has resulted in a very high pain tolerance, so whenever something happens again, I calmly walk to my husband so he can practise his first aid skills again.
This happens when I have a wart underneath my big toe. According to my husband, it must be bothering me, considering the size, so I make an appointment with my general doctor to remove it.
The day before I go to the doctor, I am wearing sandals and I am skipping up some stairs outside. Clumsy me gets stuck behind a stair; my slipper goes under and my feet go over. I feel something start to bleed and I put some tissues in between my toes. I calmly walk home.
I present my new wound to my husband and he gets the first aid kit with a groan. But when he cleans my wound… he finds out I managed to cut a piece of flesh from my toe!
We call the doctor, who gives us instructions to see if anything important got damaged, but it looks like I only cut some callus and the bleeding already stopped. It’s late in the day and the appointment is early in the morning, my husband cleaned my foot very well and I’m not feeling anything, so the doctor changes the appointment from wart inspection to wound inspection.
The next day comes and I indeed only cut callus… and the wart. It was a perfect slice and nothing (well, a tiny bit of skin) got damaged.
Doctor: “You know, if you were scared of the appointment, you could have just told me! You didn’t have to cut the wart off yourself!”
Hey, Look! Puppies! Oh. Wait… Crap.
Animal Shelter, Health & Body, Instant Karma, Pets & Animals, Stupid | Healthy Right | June 19, 2022
I used to work at the SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals). We had a guy come through and choose a puppy. We started going through the adoption paperwork.
Me: “The pup will need to have her stitches out on [date].”
Man: “Why does she have stitches?”
Me: “She’s been desexed so she can’t have puppies.”
Man: *Annoyed* “I wanted to get a dog that could have puppies! That way all my friends can have my dog’s puppies.”
Me: “That’s not ideal. People can often struggle to find homes for pups.”
He canceled the adoption and said he’d get a dog elsewhere.
A year later, he came in with five puppies that his dog had had, and he couldn’t find homes for them.
It All Started With A Big Thud
Awesome, Coworkers, Health & Body, USA, Warehouse | Healthy Romantic | June 18, 2022
Back when years still begin with the number one, I am working in a warehouse. I’ve just clocked out and am about to head out the door when I hear a sound like something falling, followed by seeing one of the other workers staggering around, dazed, with her forehead bleeding.
Me: “What the [expletive] just happened?!”
A manager comes running over.
Manager: “The shelf fell down and she got hit by the pack of [ceramic product].”
Me: “Oh, no!”
Manager: “Can you take her to the hospital? I don’t want to wait for an ambulance to get out here.”
Me: “Okay.”
In retrospect, that wasn’t smart, but [Manager] and I are both panicking.
Manager: “I’ll help get her in your car.”
Two minutes later, I’m zipping toward the hospital. I arrive ASAP and stick around in the waiting room while my coworker is examined. Thankfully, it is only a concussion. After the hospital clears her, I take her to her home.
I come back the next morning to check on her and then again the next evening after my shift. Rinse and repeat for three days. And of course, since her car is still at the warehouse, I have to give her a lift in when she’s finally allowed to resume work.
On the drive in to work:
Coworker: “You didn’t have to do all that. Why bother? I’m just a nobody.”
Me: “Um, because it was the right thing to do?”
And that’s how I met my wife. We’re still happily married.
As Usual, The Internet Ruins Everything
Current Events, Doctor/Physician, Jerk, Medical Office, Medication, USA | Healthy | June 16, 2022
I have a chronic illness that causes me to have respiratory issues. To treat this, I take a certain medication and it generally works well. My doctor will typically just renew my prescription whenever it’s up but wants me to come in every other year for another exam even though I’ve been on the medication for over a decade at this point. It’s never been an issue until I went in for my latest exam and ended up seeing a new doctor since my usual one had a sudden emergency and wasn’t able to see me.
New Doctor: “Okay, [My Name], what brings you in today?”
Me: “I’m just in to get my prescription for [medication] renewed.”
New Doctor: “[Medication]? I’m not going to prescribe that to you. It will not treat [health crisis] no matter what the Internet tells you.”
Me: “It’s not for [health crisis]; it’s for [chronic issue].”
New Doctor: “I just get so sick of these people with Internet MD who think whatever random med of the week is going to solve the problem.”
Me: “Look, I don’t have [health crisis]. I tested before I came in.”
New Doctor: “I’m not stupid. I know your test is negative, but your grandma, or cousin, or nephew, or whoever you are getting it for is positive.”
Me: “Look, when was [health crisis] first observed?”
New Doctor: “2020 in the US.”
Me: “When did I start getting prescribed this?”
He flipped through my chart.
New Doctor: “2006.”
Me: “So, are you thinking that I somehow predicted a pandemic fourteen years early, theorized this medication would help, scammed a prescription for it by faking a chronic issue, stockpiled it for over a decade, and ran out of that stockpile?”
New Doctor: *Long pause* “I’m still not giving you your prescription today.”
And with that, he left the room. I ended up having to come back another day for my normal doctor to give me the new prescription. I brought up what had happened with the new doctor and was told that he had gotten in hot water for getting tricked into giving out prescriptions for one of the Internet’s fake [illness] treatments. But now, he was in hot water for overcorrecting the other way and never prescribing anything that anyone had theorized might treat [illness]. I don’t know if “hot water” ever translated to consequences, but I will see the next time I need to renew my prescription.
Casual Racism Will Make You Sick
Bigotry, Health & Body, Jerk, Medical Office, Patients | Healthy Right | June 14, 2022
Early in the health crisis, in 2020, I had a patient checking in. I was asking the newly minted [illness] questions. Have you been around anyone positive? Any flu-like symptoms? And so on.
Patient: “I haven’t been to any Chinese restaurants lately, if that’s what you’re asking.” *Laughs*
Me: “Nope, not asking where you had dinner, just if you’re sick.”
His wife tried to brush it off, but he kept telling me to lighten up, and I just kept staring with a glazed look and kept asking the questions until I got a satisfactory answer.
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Heal
Blood Donation, Inspirational, Maryland, USA | Healthy | June 12, 2022
I donate blood every few months; I know there’s a need for it, and my blood type is the universal donor.
Once, during a donation, a woman comes in and asks questions about everything. I figure it must be her first time. There’s nothing wrong with that; she just seems a little nervous. The phlebotomist hooks up her IV, and her bed is next to mine.
Woman: “So, who are you donating for?”
Me: “What do you mean?”
Woman: “My husband is having an operation, so I’m giving blood in case he needs it.”
Me: “Oh, I see. No, I’m not donating for anyone in particular.”
Woman: “You’re not?”
Me: “Nope. Just… whoever needs it, I guess.”
The woman looks around the room, shocked. The other donors are now listening to the conversation.
Woman: “So, all of you are just donating, what, out of the goodness of your hearts?”
She started laughing and then quickly stopped. She didn’t intend for the comment to sound mean; it just genuinely had never occurred to her that blood banks are full of blood from people who donate just to help others.
No Soup For You! Part 6
Bizarre, Canada, Hospital | Healthy | June 10, 2022
I work as a door screener in my small town’s hospital. The hospital is small, too, and doesn’t even have vending machines, let alone a public cafeteria. From the entrance, you either take a right to enter the Emergency Department or take a left to reach the outpatient laboratory for blood tests.
One day, a man comes in needing to fill out some paperwork. He is dressed in business casual clothing and has a stylish messenger bag. I direct him to the doctor’s offices and see him as he exits a few minutes later.
After he turns the corner out of sight, he turns around and jogs back to the front door. He fishes around in his bag for something and then produces…
A plastic container full of soup.
Man: “Is there a microwave I can use to heat this up?”
After a moment’s stunned silence, I stammer out that we don’t have any easily accessible and he nods, puts his soup away, and heads off again.
I still wonder what sort of person would think that a hospital would heat up some random person’s soup for them, in a global health crisis, no less!
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