No Need To Get Catty About It
Brazil, Drug Store, Jerk, Pets & Animals | Healthy | April 21, 2018
(I go to a human drugstore to get a new insulin vial for my diabetic cat, since his last one is expired. He’s been diagnosed and treated for four months now, and I have been handling his insulin shots every day, twice a day, ever since. I bring the old box with me, so I’m sure I’ll get the right one. In Brazil, you can have insulin over the counter, no prescriptions needed. Also, every drugstore has a fidelity card that offers discounts, and most of the health cares have partnerships that give you discounts; you just have to show your health care card. A third way to get a discount — a big one — is when you register with the manufacturer; it’s a long form you have to fill, with your doctor’s information, treatment details, etc.)
Me: “Hi, I’d like a small vial for this insulin.” *hands the box* “I also would like to check both fidelity and health care discounts.”
Employee: *cheerful* “You know, you could get the manufacturer’s discount for it.”
Me: “Yeah, I know, but it’s for my diabetic cat, so they couldn’t take us.”
Employee: *makes weird face*
Me: *uncomfortable, trying to be cheerful* “Yeah, unfortunately they didn’t accept felines for that. That’s a ‘humans-only’ kind of benefit.”
Employee: *goes to hand me the vial, backs off, looking at me as if I’m a child* “You know this needs to be kept on the fridge, right?”
Me: “Yeah, I know. I also need a ten-pack of syringes.”
Employee: *still making the weird face* “Syringes for what?”
Me: “Uh, insulin. I need the smaller ones, because he only takes two units at a time.”
Employee: *proceeds to teach me how to use the syringes, very patronizingly, ignoring the fact that I may know how to do it since I just gave her an empty box of insulin* “What gauge size you need?”
Me: “I never had to choose between gauge sizes, but since he’s a cat, I believe the smaller ones.”
Employee: “What size is he?”
Me: “Uh, cat size? About four kilos.”
Employee: *weird face*
Me: “Sooo, I guess I’ll take the small ones.”
Employee: *reluctantly gives me my stuff, still looking at me as if I was committing a crime*
Pressured To Squeeze Out Any Answer
Health & Body, High School, Students, Teachers, Texas, USA | Healthy | April 20, 2018
(I’m in anatomy and physiology class, self-grading a test we just did on the cardiovascular system. Since everyone’s grading their tests as a class, the teacher is going over the questions and answers aloud. As is the case on every test, some of the answers are flexible, as long as she can understand what you were trying to refer to.)
Teacher: “Numbers 52 and 53: what instruments are used to measure blood pressure? ‘Stethoscope,’ and I’ll take, ‘blood pressure cuff.’ If you said, ‘sphygmomanomet er,’ I’ll take that, too.”
Looks Like They Already Had Their Drugs
New York, Pharmacy, Rude & Risque, USA | Healthy | April 19, 2018
(I have just started my first job at a local pharmacy and convenience store, and it is my third day of training. I am standing behind the counter with an older coworker of mine. We hear the door open, and look over.)
Customer: *quickly walks through the doors and to the other end of the floor, where the pharmacy is*
Me: *looking at my coworker* “Was she…”
Coworker: *taking a sip of an energy drink* “…not wearing any pants? Welcome to the job, kid.”
At Least He Told The Tooth
Bad Behavior, Dentist, France, Patients | Healthy | April 18, 2018
(I study dentistry in France, where you work at a dental clinic starting on your fourth year. Every half day, you’re in a different service. For example, on Tuesday mornings, I take care of cavities and the like, and on Friday afternoons I remove teeth. To remove a tooth, you obviously have to anesthetize the patient locally, and, for medical reasons, you cannot do that if the patient has taken drugs recently — especially cocaine — or you could cause them to have a heart attack. Although it is a rare occurrence and most likely wouldn’t happen anyway, we still can’t knowingly inject a drugged patient with adrenalin, which is part of our anesthesiant. A patient I know from a different service comes to have a tooth removed. Since I’ve already seen him and his file, I know he is a drug addict. On this particular day, he is acting very “twitchy.”)
Me: *after five minutes of chatting about the treatment I already performed on him while we set up the operation table* “So, have you taken any drugs lately?”
Patient: “You have to be more precise; I’ve been on drugs my entire life!”
Me: “Hm, how about that last week?”
Patient: “Sure.”
Me: “What have you taken?”
Patient: “A bit of everything, really.”
Me: “What about cocaine?”
Patient: “Oh, yeah.”
Me: “In the last three days?”
Patient: *more or less jokingly* “Are you the police? Why are you questioning me?”
Me: “Well, sir, I can’t anesthetize you if you’ve taken cocaine recently; that could cause you to have a heart attack. I personally don’t care; it’s for your sake. So, when’s the last time you’ve taken cocaine?”
Patient: “Hm… Half an hour ago.”
(I resisted the urge to face-palm and informed the patient that I could not legally or ethically remove his tooth. He told me that he had come plenty of times, been anesthetized and never had any issue, but I still refused and sent him away. I told him to come back clean after the weekend and wrote about the incident in his file, warning the next student to check whether he is clean or not. He will probably come back high as a kite and just lie about having taken anything, but at least it will not be my responsibility, then.)
Ultrasound Taking Ultra Long
California, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Sacramento, Students, USA | Healthy | April 17, 2018
(I am 37 weeks pregnant and am having an ultrasound on my baby to monitor his kidneys, which are enlarged, but otherwise healthy. A very nice student tech is doing the ultrasound under the watchful eye of the attending OB/GYN and the supervising tech, who are viewing the video in the next room. The student is being very careful and thorough, trying to get good pictures of every structure, and is taking a LONG time. Finally, the supervising ultrasound tech comes in, cackling, and addresses the student.)
Supervisor: “Dr. [OB] says if you keep her in here much longer, she’s going to have to deliver her right on this table.”
(She wasn’t too far off; I went into labor shortly afterward!)
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Asking Some Fresh Questions
Indiana, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | April 16, 2018
(I have recently gotten pregnant with my first child, and am at my OB/GYN having an initial consult with a nurse practitioner who appears to be in her mid-50s. We are going over restrictions now that I’m pregnant. My family are avid fishermen, and my husband and I regularly eat the freshwater fish we catch.)
Nurse Practitioner: “Here’s a pamphlet on fish and seafood. Research has really helped recently, so there’s a comprehensive list of what types of fish are safe and which ones you should limit.”
Me: *looking over list, and noticing it’s only ocean fish* “Okay, but what about freshwater fish? Are there risks or restrictions on those?”
Nurse Practitioner: “It should be on the list; they have types listed there.”
Me: “No, I know, but these are all ocean fish: salmon, tuna, cod, etc. I’m talking about freshwater fish. My family and I catch and eat locally, and at our cabin in Minnesota:perch, bluegill, northern pike. Are those okay?”
Nurse Practitioner: “I’ve literally never had anyone ask me that.”
Me: “Really?”
Nurse Practitioner: “I guess I don’t get many patients who fish! I’d say it’d be okay to eat those as long as you ensure that they’re cooked thoroughly.”
(It surprised me that in a rural area, a nurse practitioner with that much experience wouldn’t have come across that before!)
Context Is Thicker Than Blood
Bizarre, Germany, Medical Office, Patients | Healthy | April 13, 2018
(I’m standing at the reception desk of my doctor’s office when suddenly I hear a woman yell
Woman: “I don’t have blood anymore!”
(I do a mental double-take since the receptionist seems completely unfazed.)
Woman: “Mrs. [Receptionist]! I don’t have blood anymore!”
(The receptionist looks up, smiling benevolently. Just as I start to wonder what the heck is going on, a female doctor’s assistant walks up to the reception desk, trailed by a courier carrying a sealed box.)
Doctor’s Assistant: “Mrs. [Receptionist], the courier is here; all the blood samples will be sent out now.”
(Finally, it clicked. So, there wasn’t a vampire phlebotomist on the loose!)
Helping Is In Their Blood
Awesome, British Columbia, Canada, Medical Office, Patients, Victoria, Volunteer | Healthy | April 11, 2018
(I donate blood regularly. One time, when they insert the needle, I immediately feel lightheaded for a second or two. Since I have not yet lost more than a few drops of blood, definitely not enough to cause a significant loss of blood pressure, I assume it was just a psychosomatic reaction to having such a large needle inserted, shrug it off, and decide to continue with the draw. A few minutes later, it comes back again, and with a vengeance.)
Me: *raising hand shakily* “Um… Excuse me?”
(I immediately have three technicians surrounding me.)
Technician: “Are you okay?”
Me: “I’m feeling a bit lightheaded.”
(They spring into action, immediately removing the needle. One of them reclines my seat so my feet are elevated above my head, one goes to grab damp cloths, which they drape over every inch of exposed skin I have, and one goes to grab me a juice box to increase my blood sugar. After a while, the seat is returned to its regular position, and they continue feeding me juice. I am eventually allowed to go to the recovery area, with two people escorting in case I pass out on the way. Once I sit down, I call my friend who I was supposed to meet to tell her I’ll be delayed. Partway through the conversation, I hear running steps behind me, then feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up to see a woman with a very concerned expression, who looks at me for a moment and then laughs.)
Volunteer: “Oh, you’re on your cell phone! I thought you were talking to yourself!”
Me: “Oh, no. I’m just letting my friend know I’m going to be late.”
Volunteer: “Oh, good.”
Friend: “What was that?”
Me: “Oh, the volunteer thought I was talking to myself. Can you imagine that? ‘Oh, great! First he nearly passes out, and now he’s hallucinating!'”
(They eventually let me go, and I was only 30 minutes late to meet my friend. Fortunately, while everything was going on, one of the techs mentioned I had filled most of a bag, and when I asked if it could still be used, he assured me it could.)
Dying For Some Good Service
Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, UK | Healthy | April 9, 2018
(A group of friends and I have been out drinking. Someone in the last pub becomes belligerent after the barman cuts him off. Things happen, and we end up in A&E after one friend — very drunk by this point — gets glassed in the face. As his boyfriend, I have the pleasure of sitting beside him while a nurse is stitching him up.)
Boyfriend: “Am I going to die?”
Nurse: “Yes.”
Boyfriend: “WHAT? OH, GOD!”
Me: “Is it that serious? Shouldn’t he be in surgery or something?”
Nurse: “What? Sorry, I have to concentrate. You wanted a drink, right? I could get you a glass of water.”
Me: “No, he asked if he was dying.”
Nurse: *looking mortified* “Oh, no. You can go after we’re done.”
The Holy S-pee-rit
Hospital, Nurses, Ohio, Patients, USA | Healthy | April 8, 2018
(I am going through the screening questions before a surgery for which I will have to be anesthetized.)
Nurse: “Do you smoke?”
Me: “No.”
Nurse: “Do you drink alcohol?”
Me: “Occasionally.”
Nurse: “How often?”
Me: “Once or twice per month.”
Nurse: *skips the usual, “Is there any chance you could be pregnant?”* “Now, I don’t care if you are the Virgin Mary; we’re going to need a urine sample for a pregnancy test.”
Me: “Well, if I was the Virgin Mary, that would be super important, so fair enough.”
Abort This Doctor’s Appointment
Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, England, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | April 7, 2018
(I have made an appointment with my general practitioner, as I have developed a skin condition on my foot that I want checked out. Please note that I am definitely overweight, but not in any way obese, and the doctor himself is visibly much more overweight than I am. When I am called through, he listens to my concern, then pulls out this gem
Doctor: “How much do you weigh?”
Me: *confused, but assuming this is part of the normal health assessment* “Um, about [weight].”
Doctor: “Okay, and what birth control are you using?”
Me: *now assuming the problem could be a side effect of some birth control types* “Oh, none. I’m not in a relationship, but if I were, we’d probably use condoms.”
Doctor: “Oh, good. You know, you really are quite overweight. It’s good you’re not sexually active. At your weight, if you fell pregnant, I’d have to force you to have an abortion.”
(This statement shocked me so badly that I froze and just sat, staring at him, as he lectured me about my weight. He advised me to try taking very small bites of my food, telling me that this method worked great for him. I left, still in a state of shock, and then realised that he did not address the problem with my feet. Another doctor later confirmed it was eczema.)
I’ll Have What She’s Having
Canada, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Ontario, Patients, Silly | Healthy | April 6, 2018
(I have just woken up from surgery. I look around the room and see my Ob/Gyn, so I decide to start a conversation.)
Me: “Are you real?”
Ob/Gyn: “Yes.”
Me: “I don’t think so! Wait, maybe you’re a ghost.”
Ob/Gyn: “I’m not a ghost.”
Me: “I bet I can stick my hand through you.” *I flop my arm over in his direction and hit him in the side* “HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!”
Ob/Gyn: “Do what?”
Me: “Block my hand.”
Ob/Gyn: “Like I said, I’m not a ghost.”
Me: “I knew it! You’re not real; this is all a dream. I think I can control it.”
(At this point, he stops talking and directs my bed into a recovery room. On the way, I hear a beeping sound, probably someone’s heart monitor going off.)
How Are Flu?
Medical Office, Patients, Stupid, USA, Virginia | Healthy | April 6, 2018
(I’m the dumb patient in this story. I’m at the doctor’s office getting looked at for severe flu symptoms. I’m somewhat socially awkward, and lately have been trying to practice my small talk.)
Doctor: “So, how are you doing?”
Me: *automatic response* “Good. How are you?”
(There is a pause and the doctor shoots me a “Really?” look, as I’m sick as a dog.)
Me: “Well, not good good.”
Doctor: *jokingly* “Yeah, I think I’m probably doing better than you are right now.”
But Some Humans Don’t Have Brains
Colorado, Pets & Animals, Stupid, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 5, 2018
(This was heard by my friend who works as a janitor in the vet hospital
Some Patients Can Be An Arm-ful
Australia, Hospital, Nurses, Patients, Perth, Silly, Western Australia | Healthy | April 5, 2018
(My mum told me about this, as I have little memory of it. I had a fall a few weeks ago where I dislocated and fractured my ankle, broke the leg, and tore the ligament. Now, I’m in hospital for day surgery in which I’ve had some pins removed from my ankle. I get wheeled into recovery. My mum and her best friend are waiting next to my bed while I wake up properly. The nurses are doing vitals checks every 10 to 15 minutes. At this stage, I’m facing mum and her friend, and I’m still fairly groggy, so this intrusion of my sleep is starting to annoy me.)
Nurse: “Hello again. Sorry to wake you, but can I get your arm please, [My Name]?”
Me: “Ugh, fiiiiine.”
(The nurse checks my blood pressure.)
Nurse: “All righty, all done.”
(The next time the nurse starts to come over, my mum tells me
Mum: “Love, the nurse is coming over.”
Me: “Please excuse my back.” *turns over as the nurse approaches and raises my arm up* “Just take the arm.”
Nurse: “I’m sorry, what?”
Me: “Take my arm back with you to do checks so I can sleep.”
(My mum, her friend, and the nurse laugh.)
Nurse: “I’m sorry, hun; I can’t do that. We’d end up with so many arms at the nurses’ station, it would become inconvenient for everyone, especially those who the arms belong to.”
(I was discharged a couple hours later. I know checking vitals is very important, but at the time sleep was way more important.)
Some Business Starts In The Garage
Ignoring & Inattentive, Pets & Animals, Stupid, UK, Vet | Healthy | April 4, 2018
(I am the receptionist of a local vet. We have had a woman come in saying her cat is no longer pooping. We do a check, and the cat doesn’t appear to be uncomfortable, and we can’t feel anything which would indicate a blockage. The woman is insistent that we do an ultrasound, however, and after she pays the fee, she leaves her cat with us, and we give her instructions to call us the next morning.)
Woman: “I’m calling about my cat, [Cat].”
Me: “Yes, I’ll just get the vet. He’s asked to speak to you directly.”
(I hear her sobbing hysterically as I put her on hold. Our lead vet comes out and takes the call.)
Vet: “Mrs. [Woman].”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “Your cat is absolutely fine. We couldn’t find anything wrong.”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “Yes, it is a mystery. However, I wonder if you could tell me: do you own a cat flap by any chance?”
Woman: *shouting* “Yes. Why?”
Vet: “Is there a chance [Cat] could be doing her business outside?”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “Would you mind checking your garage, then, please?”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “And is the cat door locked?”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “Yes, I know you said no one can get in, but if the flap isn’t locked, there is a chance [Cat] could be doing her business in there.”
Woman: *mumbles and then shouts* “OH, MY GOD! THERE’S S*** EVERYWHERE!”
Vet: “Thank you, Mrs. [Woman]. I’ll see you soon.” *hangs up*
Curiosity In Utero
Bizarre, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, St Louis, USA | Healthy | April 3, 2018
(I have been diagnosed with uterine cancer, and am scheduled to have a complete hysterectomy. Unfortunately, two days before the surgery, I have emergency hernia surgery. I tell the doctor performing the hernia surgery about the cancer. When I go in for my first follow-up, he says that everything is looking good.)
Doctor: “While I was in there, I reached down and felt your uterus; it really is enlarged.”
Me: “Uh… Thanks, that’s interesting.”
(As I’m leaving, the full import of what he said finally hits. My hernia incision is above my belly button, and he REACHED DOWN INSIDE ME, and felt my uterus. I later tell a nurse about this, and her response?)
Nurse: “Surgeons are a curious lot.”
(The hysterectomy went well, and I am now cancer-free.)
Left You Feeling Cold(sore)
Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, England, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | April 3, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.
(I’ve suffered from cold sores for about six years, and normally I only get two or three a year. Over the last six months, I have had them repeatedly, one after the other, so I decide to go to my doctor. I make an appointment, but I have to wait three weeks for it — this is a pretty normal wait time for an appointment in my area.)
Me: “I read on the NHS website that if cold sores get this bad and persistent, there’s a medication that can help to treat it.”
Doctor #1 : “Why do you think you need a prescription medicine? That’s pretty drastic.”
Me: “I’ve had non-stop cold sores for six months, and that isn’t normal. The creams from the pharmacy aren’t working.”
Doctor #1 : “Yes, but lots of things cause cold sores. Sunlight, poor diet, being on your period.”
Me: “Well, I haven’t been on my period for six straight months! My diet hasn’t changed, and it’s winter, so I haven’t been in the sun.”
Doctor #1 : “It could be a response to an infection. I’ll send you for a blood test, but I don’t want to give you tablets for something so minor.”
(It takes a week to get the paperwork for the blood test — it has to be done at the hospital — a week for me to be able to get my blood tested, and another week before the results come back. I then have to wait another two weeks to see my doctor to discuss the results.)
Doctor #1 : “Your tests showed elevated white blood cells, which is a sign of infection. But I think it’s a false positive, so I’ll send you for another blood test.”
Me: “What makes you think it’s false? You said it could be an infection.”
Doctor #1 : “Well, I think you did have an infection, but it’s gone now. I’ll send you for another one and compare the results.”
(Cue ANOTHER TWO weeks of waiting for the blood test and test results.)
Receptionist: “The doctor says your blood test came back normal and he doesn’t need to see you. He says there’s nothing he can do.”
Me: “What?! That’s not right! He hasn’t done anything!”
Receptionist: *quietly speaking to me* “I recommend you see another doctor. They can look at your results and you can get a second opinion.”
(I have to wait ANOTHER THREE weeks to see a second doctor, so by this time it’s been more than eight months of cold sores.)
Doctor #2 : “”You’ve had cold sores for EIGHT MONTHS?!”
Me: “It’s been Hell; I’ve had either a sore, a scab, or a scar on my face this whole time. The creams aren’t working, I’ve tried every home remedy on Google, and I don’t know what else to do.”
Doctor #2 : “It could be a sign of something serious, but it could be nothing. Let’s have a look at your test results… Are you taking iron?”
Me: “No, why?”
Doctor #2 : “Didn’t the other doctor say anything about your iron levels?!”
Me: “He said my blood was normal.”
Doctor #2 : “It’s most certainly not normal! You have extremely low iron levels, in both sets of results. There’s a proven link between low iron and mouth sores. You just need to take an iron supplement. And I’ll give you a prescription for the cold sores, so they’ll clear up in a week or less. Your white blood cell count is still up, so I think you may need antibiotics, too.”
(Since I’ve been taking iron, I hardly have cold sores at all. And my infection cleared up, but the doctor said if it hadn’t, it could have developed into sepsis, which can be fatal. Now, whenever I make a doctor’s appointment I specifically say, “Any doctor other than [Doctor #1 ],” and from what the receptionist has since told me, lots of patients do the same.)
Opposable Definitions
Pets & Animals, Stupid, Texas, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 2, 2018
(We are in a mostly rural area. A client has brought in her new dog, a recent adoption from the shelter. The client is a middle-aged, very traditional, southern woman. The doctor is from New England and has found that pretending to be just a dumb Yankee that doesn’t know how things work in Texas is an effective method of calming angry clients.)
Owner: “I’m very disappointed at the shelter; they promised he was already fixed, but I can see that he is not. If you don’t get dogs fixed, they get aggressive and can attack.”
(The vet starts his exam.)
Vet: “His scrotum is empty and there is a surgical scar here; this dog has been castrated.”
Owner: “Well, that’s nice and all, but I’m here to talk about getting him fixed.”
Vet: “Um, he has been fixed.”
Owner: “No, he hasn’t; just look at him!”
Vet: “I did; he has no testicles.”
Owner: “Why are you so focused on his manhood?! That has nothing to do with being fixed!”
Vet: “What does being fixed mean to you?”
Owner: “YOU ARE A VET! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT GETTING A DOG FIXED MEANS?!”
Vet: “Ma’am, clearly there has been a misunderstanding, because where I grew up, getting the dog fixed is a euphemism for castration. Clearly that is not the case here, so please, explain what that phrase means in Texas.”
Owner: “It’s where they do a surgery to remove the dog’s thumbs, because thumbs are what separates us from the animals. You have to get them removed so the dog knows it is just an animal. Honestly, you can see his thumbs from here.” *gestures at the dog’s dewclaws*
(The doctor had to excuse himself from the exam room to laugh. He sent in the techs, and after 15 minutes they finally convinced her that she was misinformed. Apparently, when the owner was a young child she was told that definition of the phrase by a parent that didn’t want to explain what castration was, and she never questioned it as she got older. The dog still has his dewclaws.)
A Little Bird Googled Me
Jerk, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 2, 2018
Me: “Thank you for calling [Veterinary Clinic]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”
Client: “I have a sick bird. Can I make an appointment?”
Me: “I’m sorry; we only see dogs and cats here.”
Client: “It’s not my bird; it’s wild and it flew into my window.”
Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t have any of the proper equipment to treat birds, and most of our staff doesn’t have that training.”
Client: “I know I should take it to the wildlife rescue, but they don’t accept animals after 4:00 pm. Can’t you help me?”
Me: “We don’t treat birds here, but let me check with the doctor to see what she recommends.”
(The doctor tells me the name of another clinic that treats exotic animals.)
Me: “Ma’am, try calling [Pet and Bird Hospital]. They’re pretty close to us; I can get you their number.”
Client: “Oh, I already have it; they showed up right after you in the Google results.”
Smoking Is Always A Double Negative
England, Hospital, Nurses, UK, Wordplay | Healthy | March 31, 2018
(My nurse is going over some basic questions whilst taking my blood pressure.)
Nurse: “And we’re not a smoker, are we? You don’t smoke.”
Me: “Uh, yes. Wait, no. Wait, yes. Hang on… I don’t know how to respond to that! I don’t smoke. That is my answer.”
Nurse: “Yeah, you’re right, actually. I should probably learn to phrase that better!”
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