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Aspirin(g) To Be A Better Doctor
BAD BEHAVIOR, USA, VET | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 2, 2009
(My husband works for the out-of-hours service, and drives and assists the doctors with their house calls. I’m a veterinary nurse and as we work in the same area we often see the same people. At two am, the phone rings.)

Me: “Uh, hello?”

Husband: “Hi, my love. It’s just me. The doctor has a question for you about some meds. Do you mind talking to him?”

Me: “No problem, put him on.”

Doctor: “Hi, we’re at a patient’s house now. She’s worried because she accidentally took her cat’s medication. The thing is, she’s decanted the tablets into a tub and has lost the label. Can you tell me what they are?”

Me: “Well, give me a description of the tablets, I’ll see if I can recognise the med code.”

Doctor: “The pills are round, white, and have A-S-P-I-R-I-N stamped on them.”

Me: “Seriously? Are you kidding me?”

(This clearly sets the doctor off, as he goes off on the following tirade

Doctor: “No! You said you would help! What’s your problem, for f*** sake?! I have a patient that may be poisoned and you’re being a b****! It’s my JOB on the line here; do you understand that? MY JOB! I don’t know why I listened to that b**** driver. What would you know, anyway? You are just some idiot nurse for f***ing animals! Nobody would give a s**t what you say, you ignorant cow!”

Me: “It’s an aspirin… spelled A-S-P-I-R-I-N.”

Doctor: *prolonged silence* “I guess I should say sorry now, right?”

A Not So Bitter End
EDITORS' CHOICE, PIZZA, STUPID, USA, WASHINGTON | RIGHT | APRIL 28, 2010
Customer: “Are you in charge of the salad bar?”

Me: “Of course. I make sure all the food is fresh. Was something wrong?”

Customer: “Your dressings are too sweet!”

Me: “We buy our dressings pre-packaged, but it is possible that something went wrong somewhere along the way. Which one was it?”

Customer: “The dressing!”

Me: “They are all too sweet?”

Customer: “Were you born simple? The dressing is sweet!”

Me: “Is it red, orange, white, or brown?”

Customer: “The brown one is too sweet!”

Me: “That’s the balsamic vinaigrette. It shouldn’t be sweet at all, but I will pull it and put out a new container of dressing for you.”

Customer: “Thank you! Was that so difficult?”

(I begin to pull the only brown dressing we have and she stops me.)

Customer: “My God, you are such an idiot! You’re pulling the wrong d*** dressing!”

Me: “You said the brown dressing, right? I am pulling the brown dressing like you asked.”

Customer: “Not that dressing, you idiot, this brown dressing. You are so stupid!” *points*

Me: “You mean the chocolate pudding?”

You Couldn’t Make It Up
AWESOME, EDITORS' CHOICE, LGBTQ, TELEMARKETING | RIGHT | JANUARY 17, 2011
(My job is to call people and pitch the brand of make-up my company sells. I call and an obviously really young girl answers the phone.)

Little Girl: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, may I talk to the lady of this residence?”

Little Girl: “That’s me.”

Me: “I mean, may I talk to your mom?”

Little Girl: “I have two dads.”

Me: “Oh well, never mind, then. Have a nice day!”

Little Girl: “Wait! Why did you call?”

Me: “I’m selling make-up.”

Little Girl: “Oh! One of my daddies loves that stuff. It makes him look pretty when he goes dancing! Let me give him the phone! Dad! Dad! Some girl wants to make you look pretty!”

When Two Wrongs Make It Right
EDITORS' CHOICE, LIARS/SCAMMERS, RETAIL, STUPID, USA, WASHINGTON | RIGHT | DECEMBER 5, 2010
(The night previous we had a customer shoplift about $300 worth of merchandise while I was on shift. Thankfully, while she did get away with quite a bit, she escaped with only one boot of a pair, as I had removed the second boot, with ink tag intact, pending acceptance of her check.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. What can we help you find today?”

Caller: “Hi! I was at your store last night and the lady that helped me shorted us a shoe!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. What style was it?”

Caller: “A [Brand]. It was the right shoe. She was going to take the tag off and never did! I live far away, so do you think you could transfer it to the [Different Location] store?”

Me: “I don’t believe that would be feasible as we don’t have a way to get it to that store, but we might be able to mail it to you! Can I get your name, phone number, and address?”

Caller: “Sure. It is [Name, number, and address].”

(I got off the phone looking like the Cheshire Cat. The thief had just given her full name, phone number, and address.)

Out Of State, Out Of Mind
GEOGRAPHY, GROCERY STORE, MONEY, STUPID, TOURISTS/TRAVEL | RIGHT | DECEMBER 3, 2009
Me: “That’ll be €32,78 please.”

(The customer hands me American dollars.)

Me: “Sir, this is Germany. You can’t pay with US currency.”

Customer: “But this is the US.”

Me: “No, sir, this is Germany, in Europe.”

Customer: “But… isn’t Europe part of the US?”

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18 And Blunder
CALL CENTER, MOVIES & TV, RUDE & RISQUE, TEENAGERS | RIGHT | OCTOBER 2, 2009
Me: “Hello, this [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I have your company name on my credit card bill with a charge of $29.99. I’ve never heard of you guys.”

Me: “Okay, sir… there’s a purchase of a monthly subscription to our adult website in here.”

Customer: “Adult website? What, as in p*rno?”

Me: “That’s correct, sir.”

Customer: “This is nonsense! I’ve never bought any p*rn!”

Me: “Sir, we do have the order in your info in here. If you are not satisfied with the content, however, we can give you a refund.”

Customer: “I never ordered any p*rn! This is an outrage! I’m a married man, a father, and a family man!”

Me: “You said family man, sir?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “How old is your son, sir?”

Customer: *long pause* “I’ll call you back.” *click*

Our EQ Just Ate Your IQ
AWESOME, EDITORS' CHOICE, FAST FOOD, JERK, USA | RIGHT | MARCH 17, 2009
(Our restaurant is within walking distance of an assisted living center so many of our regulars are special needs adults. We get a regular group of four people who have to make their order the same way every time. The routine involves the four of them reading the menu board for about five minutes and then one of them ordering each of them a hamburger individually.)

Me: “Hey! What can I get you?”

Special Needs Customer: “I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”

(An agitated customer who has been standing in line behind the group the entire time chimes in.)

Customer #2 : “He would like four hamburgers. Can we hurry this up?”

Special Needs Customer: “No! I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”

Customer #2 : “Oh, my god!”

Me: “So if I got this right, you would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger?”

Special Needs Customer: “Yes, that’s right!”

Me: “You know what I think you need? A high-five!”

Special Needs Customer: “You know I do!”

(I high-five the guy over the counter and the other three all take a turn getting a high-five.)

Customer #2 : “This is just ridiculous!” *storms out of the store*

Creative Ways To Use Google Earth
BANK, CALL CENTER, EDITORS' CHOICE, STUPID, TECHNOLOGY | RIGHT | APRIL 25, 2008
Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. May I please have your 16-digit account number?”

Customer: “I can’t.”

Me: “That’s fine. May I please have your Social Security number so I’m able to find you?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I need my balance right now!”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that, but I need to be able to look you up in the computer. Do you have your account number or your Social Security number?”

Customer: “I’m on a cell phone. I can’t give you that; it’s not SECURE!”

Me: “Umm… okay? Would you like to call us back on a land-line so that your call is more ‘secure’?”

Customer: “I’m busy! Can’t you just give me my balance?”

Me: “I can as soon as I’m able to look you up in the computer. How would you like me to do that?”

Customer: “I’m not going to do your job for you! Now tell me my balance!”

(At this point, I’ve had enough.)

Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your credit card with you?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you please take it out of your wallet and hold it above your head?”

Customer: “Okay, I’m doing that.”

Me: “Thank you, may I please put you on hold while I contact NASA to move the satellite to your location and send us a picture?”

Customer: “Okay, just don’t take too long about it!”

(I place the customer on hold and go on break. Surprisingly, he’s still there when I get back.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we were unable to read the picture. Did you move at all?”

Customer: “Yeah, I put it back in my wallet.”

Me: “Okay, that’s the problem. Could you please just read it to me so I can look up your balance?”

Customer: “NO, I TOLD YOU I’M ON A CELL PHONE AND IN A HURRY!” *customer hangs up*

(My boss didn’t know if I should be fired or given an award.)

Tit For Tat(too)
BAD BEHAVIOR, DAYCARE, EDITORS' CHOICE | RIGHT | OCTOBER 30, 2009
(I have a tattoo on my foot of a vine of ivy. Usually, I hide it with my socks and shoes while working, but one day they get wet on the playground so I take them off to keep from getting blisters. While I’m changing shoes, a child notices the tattoo.)

Child: “Oh! What’s that?”

Me: “It’s a tattoo. It’s like a permanent drawing on your skin that you can get when your 18.”

Child: “Can I touch it?”

Me: “Sure, it just feels like skin.”

(Several kids come over to touch my tattoo. A mother walks in.)

Mother: “Is that a tattoo?”

Me: “Yes.”

Mother: “You should be ashamed! You are setting a bad example for these children! That could be a gang symbol or related to drugs like marijuana!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s just ivy.”

Mother: “What?! I don’t know anything about your drug symbols. This is highly unprofessional and I will be speaking to your boss! Advocating drugs like this!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Next time I’ll be sure to hide my tattoo, but I assure you it has nothing to do with drugs or any illegal behavior.”

Mother: “You’d better! I can’t believe you would be allowed to work with kids!”

(The mother bends over to pick up daughter, and I see a pair of dolphins tattooed very low on her back–AKA a “tramp stamp.” It’s visible just above her thong and low rise jeans. Rightly or wrongly, these tattoos often have a negative connotation.)

Me: “Nice dolphins.”

Mother: “I’m an adult! Don’t you judge me!”

Not All Re-Cycling Is Good
EDITORS' CHOICE, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, PARK | RIGHT | JUNE 15, 2010
(I am in a public park, riding my quad. A little girl comes up and asks for a ride. Since I’m not accustomed to giving strangers rides, I politely decline. A few minutes later, an angry woman storms up.)

Woman: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Uh, yes?”

Woman: “Why won’t you give my daughter a ride?! You made her cry!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry about that.”

Woman: “So you’ll give her a ride?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry. I just don’t feel comfortable giving strangers rides.”

Woman: “What terrible service! I am going to report you!”

(I hear her on the phone with the police.)

Woman: “Yes, this person refuses to give my daughter a ride on her quad. No, I don’t know her. What?! No, I am not on drugs!”

Fibbing Fail
EDITORS' CHOICE, LIARS/SCAMMERS, RETAIL | RIGHT | OCTOBER 16, 2008
Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need to return this d*** camera.”

Me: “Sure, was it not working?”

Customer: “I just don’t want it, okay?”

Me: “Okay. Have you opened the box yet?”

Customer: “Why does that matter?”

Me: “Well, as the sticker on the box says, if the box is opened and you return it, I have to charge you a restocking fee.”

Customer: “Oh. No… no, it hasn’t been opened.”

(I look and the box has been clearly opened, with a torn seal.)

Me: “Uh… are you sure it hasn’t been opened?”

Customer: “LOOK! ARE YOU CALLING ME A F***ING LIAR? Where is your manager? I spend hundreds of thousands of dollars here and this is how I’m treated?!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you just–”

Customer: “THESE PEOPLE CALL CUSTOMERS LIARS! DON’T SHOP HERE!”

Me: “Ma’am, I believe you! I will return it!”

Customer: “That’s right you will!”

Me: “Can I see your receipt?”

Customer: “It’s in the box.”

For The Love Of God, Get GPS
EDITORS' CHOICE, GEOGRAPHY, RETAIL | RIGHT | AUGUST 18, 2008
Customer: “Hi. I’m coming from the intersection at [Street #1 ] and [Street #2 ]. How would I get to your store from here?”

(I give the guy directions. I can tell he’s tuned me out after the first street or two. He then cuts me off before I finish.)

Customer: “Good, good! I got it. Thanks!” *hangs up*

(The phone rings again five minutes later.)

Customer: “Hi! I just called you a few minutes ago, asking for directions.”

Me: “I remember.”

Customer: “Yeah… I took that turn on [Exit] like you said. Then I got lost again. I’m at [Street #3 ] and [Street #4 ] now.”

Me: “Okay…” *gives him directions again*

Customer: “Okay! I got it this time. Thanks!” *hangs up*

(Phone rings again five minutes later.)

Me: “Hi again. Where are you now?”

Customer: *laughs* “I’m at [Street #5 ] and [Street #6].”

Me: “Okay. You’re almost here. Turn on [Street #7 ] and go straight until you see a gas station. We’re in the strip mall a little after it.”

Customer: “Okay!” *hangs up*

(Phone rings again five minutes later.)

Customer: “It’s me again! I’m at the gas station. I don’t see your store.”

Me: “We’re in the strip mall after the gas station, it’s down the road a little bit.”

Customer: “Oh! I see it. Okay, I’ll be right there.” *hangs up*

(Phone rings again five minutes later.)

Customer: “I’m in the strip mall now… and I don’t see your store. I’m gonna feel SO stupid if I’m in the wrong strip mall.”

Me: “At this point, I’m not even sure you’re in the right state.”

Customer: *laughs*

Me: “Okay. Do you see a donut shop?”

Customer: “Yes! I see a donut shop!”

Me: “Good. Drive to the donut shop. Now, do you see a cell phone store?”

Customer: “Yes! It’s next to the donut shop.”

Me: “Good. Drive to the cell phone shop. Now drive a little past that. Do you see the girl in the next store who’s on the phone and waving at you?”

Customer: “Yeah! Is that you?”

Me: “Yeah. Come on in…”

Definitely Not Right
BAD BEHAVIOR, BIGOTRY, EDITORS' CHOICE, HARASSMENT, ICE CREAM SHOP, LGBTQ | RIGHT | JULY 26, 2008
(Keep in mind I’m gay, although it’s not too obvious.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Ice Cream Shop]. What can I help you out with today?”

Customer: “Hey there, I was wondering if I could have a raspberry sorbet in a sugar cone?”

Me: “Cool. That’s going to be $1.39.”

Customer: *seductive voice* “I was hoping you could lower the price for me. I’m a little low, if you know what I mean…”

(The customer unbuttons the top two buttons on her blouse and bites her lip at me.)

Me: “Ehhh. Sorry, ma’am. I can’t fall for that.”

Customer: “What’s the matter? A little shy?” *bounces her boobs in my face*

Me: “Because that’s not ethical, and I don’t like boobs.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “I’m gay!”

Customer: “Oh, my god! You’re sick! And you looked down my shirt, you pervert!”

Me: “You undid your shirt to get free ice cream!”

Customer: “Oh, my god, sickos like you are just… just SICK! All men are filthy dogs. All you think about are naked girls and sex! I’m calling your manager to tell him what gross, perverted employees he has!” *leaves*

Me: *to Coworker* “That… that wasn’t right, was it?”

Coworker: “You should put that on NotAlwaysRight.”

Me: “I think I will.”

(She never did call our manager.)

Water You, Stupid
AIRPORT, EDITORS' CHOICE, MATH & SCIENCE, STUPID, TOURISTS/TRAVEL | RIGHT | JUNE 30, 2008
(While passing through airport security, a passenger’s bag needs to be pulled because the x-ray operator sees an obvious big bottle of water when the limit is 3.4 oz.)

Me: “Whose bag is this?”

Passenger: “Oh! Oh! Oohhh! It’s mine! Is there something wrong?”

Me: “I just need to take a quick look inside, ma’am. This shouldn’t take more than a couple of minutes.”

Passenger: “Well, hurry. I think they’re boarding my plane.”

(I open her bag and find the bottle almost immediately. She gasps as I pull it out.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid you cannot have this beyond this point.”

Passenger: “Why not? I just bought it, and it’s unopened!”

Me: “Ma’am, the rules clearly state that you cannot have any liquids over 3.4 oz in your carry on. If you’d like to, you could–”

Passenger: “But that’s not a liquid!”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Passenger: “It’s not a liquid! It’s water! W-A-T-E-R! You know, H-2-O? For the love of God, don’t they hire anyone with more than a grade school education for security?”

The Fine Art Of Firing A Customer
BAD BEHAVIOR, EDITORS' CHOICE, MONEY, SELF STORAGE | RIGHT | APRIL 14, 2009
(A friend of mine who manages a self storage facility has a trouble-making customer that he has been trying to get rid of. One day, the customer comes up asking about a promotional offer.)

Customer: “Hi. I saw on your website that you have storage for $100, but I’m paying $130.”

Manager: “Yeah, that’s a promotional rate.”

Customer: “Well, can I get that rate?”

Manager: “I can’t just change people’s rates. It’s only for new customers to that space.”

Customer: “Well, can I just move into that storage?”

Manager: “You can’t just move it from one storage to the other and get the new rate. You would have to have everything out because I can’t vacate it until it’s empty.”

Customer: “That’s fine. I’ll move this Saturday.”

(The customer moves out the following Saturday, gets everything loaded into their truck, then stops by the office.)

Customer: “All right, I moved everything out of my storage.”

Manager: “That’s great. Now, get out.”

Customer: “What? Can I get that other storage?”

Manager: “Well, I looked at your past history with the company and you’ve been consistently late and rude to other customers. I’m afraid we’re going to deny the new rental. My manager wouldn’t let me evict you but you moved out yourself, so everything’s good.”

Customer: “But I have all my things taken off the property! Where am I going to put them?”

Manager: “Anywhere but here.”

Fairweather Friendships
COFFEE SHOP | RIGHT | MAY 18, 2009
Me: “…and your total comes to $4.45.”

Customer: “Well, I’m a close friend with the owner and he told me that you’ll hook me up with the drink.”

Me: “I’m sorry, unless he told me directly I can’t do that for you.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “Yes.”

(Coincidentally, Bob, the owner, shows up so I give him his usual coffee.)

Me: “Here you are, Bob!”

Customer: “Oh, so you can hook that jerk-off up with a free drink but not me?”

Me: “Sir, it’s not polite to call your close friend a jerk-off.”

A Positive Ending
AT THE CHECKOUT, CALIFORNIA, PUNNY, RETAIL, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 28, 2010
(A guest comes through my line with a four-pack of AA batteries and an energy drink called Assault. He is trying not to giggle during the transaction.)

Me: “Here is your receipt. Have a great day!”

Customer: “Guess what?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You just charged me for Assault and battery!” *grabs his bag and sprints out of the store*

This story is part of our Puns Roundup!

Going Bananas
BAD BEHAVIOR, INSTANT KARMA, PETS & ANIMALS, USA, VET | RIGHT | OCTOBER 29, 2008
Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need to know what you can do for my dog. He’s really aggressive and tries to bite me and everyone. Do you train dogs here or something?”

Me: “No, sir, but I can refer you to a trainer.”

Customer: “I don’t have time for that! I need advice now. What do you think I should do?”

Me: “Well, sir, is he a show dog?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Are you going to use him for breeding?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “I would suggest that you have him neutered as a first step; it will help calm him down. Also, enroll him in an obedience class. That will–”

Customer: “Neuter him? You mean cut his balls off!?”

Me: “Well…”

Customer: “G**d***it, that’s so typical! All you feminist Nazis all just wanna cut off all us men’s balls!”

(Just then, the main veterinarian comes out from the back to see what the yelling is about.)

Veterinarian: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I’ll tell you what! That girl there suggested I get his balls whacked off!”

Veterinarian: “Now, [My Name], I’ve told you before we don’t treat exotic animals here, haven’t I?”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Veterinarian: “Well, let’s not have this happen again…” *turns back to the customer* “I am sorry, sir. We normally do not treat large apes, but since my person here already told you we do, I’ll honor it. When would you like to make the appointment?”

Customer: *storms out*

Ah, Fathers, Part 2
BIZARRE, EDITORS' CHOICE, FAMILY & KIDS, MOVIES & TV, RETAIL, USA | RELATED RIGHT | JULY 16, 2008
(I’m working in an electronics retail store, and see a man in his late 40s with a kid no older than ten.)

Me: “Welcome, sir, did you get…”

(I look in his cart and see that it’s mostly filled with identical Spongebob DVDs.)

Me: “… everything?”

Man: “I guess so.”

Boy: “MORE SPONGEBOB! SPONGEBOB! SPONGEBOB!”

Man: “All right, let’s go get some more.”

(About five minutes later he comes back, with more Spongebob DVDs… the same ones, to be exact.)

Man: “All right, I think this is enough.”

(I ring him up, and the total comes to about $550.00 USD.)

Me: *whispering* “Uh, sir… these are mostly the same thing.”

Man: “Oh, don’t worry about it. I hate my life anyway.”

Related:

Ah, Fathers
AT THE CHECKOUT, FUNNY, GROCERY STORE, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, SARCASM, USA | RIGHT | JUNE 15, 2008
(I am a cashier and father and young son are in line.)

Son: “Wow, that’s a lot of stuff!”

Dad: “Yeah, I might have to sell your bike to pay for it all.”

Son: “Noooo, not my bike!”

Dad: *laughs* “No, I wouldn’t sell your bike for food. Although, I might sell it for beer…”