Asking Some Fresh Questions
INDIANA, MEDICAL OFFICE, NURSES, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 16, 2018
(I have recently gotten pregnant with my first child, and am at my OB/GYN having an initial consult with a nurse practitioner who appears to be in her mid-50s. We are going over restrictions now that I’m pregnant. My family are avid fishermen, and my husband and I regularly eat the freshwater fish we catch.)
Nurse Practitioner: “Here’s a pamphlet on fish and seafood. Research has really helped recently, so there’s a comprehensive list of what types of fish are safe and which ones you should limit.”
Me: *looking over list, and noticing it’s only ocean fish* “Okay, but what about freshwater fish? Are there risks or restrictions on those?”
Nurse Practitioner: “It should be on the list; they have types listed there.”
Me: “No, I know, but these are all ocean fish: salmon, tuna, cod, etc. I’m talking about freshwater fish. My family and I catch and eat locally, and at our cabin in Minnesota:perch, bluegill, northern pike. Are those okay?”
Nurse Practitioner: “I’ve literally never had anyone ask me that.”
Me: “Really?”
Nurse Practitioner: “I guess I don’t get many patients who fish! I’d say it’d be okay to eat those as long as you ensure that they’re cooked thoroughly.”
(It surprised me that in a rural area, a nurse practitioner with that much experience wouldn’t have come across that before!)
Context Is Thicker Than Blood
BIZARRE, GERMANY, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS | HEALTHY | APRIL 13, 2018
(I’m standing at the reception desk of my doctor’s office when suddenly I hear a woman yell
Woman: “I don’t have blood anymore!”
(I do a mental double-take since the receptionist seems completely unfazed.)
Woman: “Mrs. [Receptionist]! I don’t have blood anymore!”
(The receptionist looks up, smiling benevolently. Just as I start to wonder what the heck is going on, a female doctor’s assistant walks up to the reception desk, trailed by a courier carrying a sealed box.)
Doctor’s Assistant: “Mrs. [Receptionist], the courier is here; all the blood samples will be sent out now.”
(Finally, it clicked. So, there wasn’t a vampire phlebotomist on the loose!)
Helping Is In Their Blood
AWESOME, BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, VICTORIA, VOLUNTEER | HEALTHY | APRIL 11, 2018
(I donate blood regularly. One time, when they insert the needle, I immediately feel lightheaded for a second or two. Since I have not yet lost more than a few drops of blood, definitely not enough to cause a significant loss of blood pressure, I assume it was just a psychosomatic reaction to having such a large needle inserted, shrug it off, and decide to continue with the draw. A few minutes later, it comes back again, and with a vengeance.)
Me: *raising hand shakily* “Um… Excuse me?”
(I immediately have three technicians surrounding me.)
Technician: “Are you okay?”
Me: “I’m feeling a bit lightheaded.”
(They spring into action, immediately removing the needle. One of them reclines my seat so my feet are elevated above my head, one goes to grab damp cloths, which they drape over every inch of exposed skin I have, and one goes to grab me a juice box to increase my blood sugar. After a while, the seat is returned to its regular position, and they continue feeding me juice. I am eventually allowed to go to the recovery area, with two people escorting in case I pass out on the way. Once I sit down, I call my friend who I was supposed to meet to tell her I’ll be delayed. Partway through the conversation, I hear running steps behind me, then feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up to see a woman with a very concerned expression, who looks at me for a moment and then laughs.)
Volunteer: “Oh, you’re on your cell phone! I thought you were talking to yourself!”
Me: “Oh, no. I’m just letting my friend know I’m going to be late.”
Volunteer: “Oh, good.”
Friend: “What was that?”
Me: “Oh, the volunteer thought I was talking to myself. Can you imagine that? ‘Oh, great! First he nearly passes out, and now he’s hallucinating!'”
(They eventually let me go, and I was only 30 minutes late to meet my friend. Fortunately, while everything was going on, one of the techs mentioned I had filled most of a bag, and when I asked if it could still be used, he assured me it could.)
Dying For Some Good Service
HOSPITAL, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, NURSES, UK | HEALTHY | APRIL 9, 2018
(A group of friends and I have been out drinking. Someone in the last pub becomes belligerent after the barman cuts him off. Things happen, and we end up in A&E after one friend — very drunk by this point — gets glassed in the face. As his boyfriend, I have the pleasure of sitting beside him while a nurse is stitching him up.)
Boyfriend: “Am I going to die?”
Nurse: “Yes.”
Boyfriend: “WHAT? OH, GOD!”
Me: “Is it that serious? Shouldn’t he be in surgery or something?”
Nurse: “What? Sorry, I have to concentrate. You wanted a drink, right? I could get you a glass of water.”
Me: “No, he asked if he was dying.”
Nurse: *looking mortified* “Oh, no. You can go after we’re done.”
The Holy S-pee-rit
HOSPITAL, NURSES, OHIO, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 8, 2018
(I am going through the screening questions before a surgery for which I will have to be anesthetized.)
Nurse: “Do you smoke?”
Me: “No.”
Nurse: “Do you drink alcohol?”
Me: “Occasionally.”
Nurse: “How often?”
Me: “Once or twice per month.”
Nurse: *skips the usual, “Is there any chance you could be pregnant?”* “Now, I don’t care if you are the Virgin Mary; we’re going to need a urine sample for a pregnancy test.”
Me: “Well, if I was the Virgin Mary, that would be super important, so fair enough.”
Abort This Doctor’s Appointment
BAD BEHAVIOR, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, ENGLAND, MEDICAL OFFICE, UK | HEALTHY | APRIL 7, 2018
(I have made an appointment with my general practitioner, as I have developed a skin condition on my foot that I want checked out. Please note that I am definitely overweight, but not in any way obese, and the doctor himself is visibly much more overweight than I am. When I am called through, he listens to my concern, then pulls out this gem
Doctor: “How much do you weigh?”
Me: *confused, but assuming this is part of the normal health assessment* “Um, about [weight].”
Doctor: “Okay, and what birth control are you using?”
Me: *now assuming the problem could be a side effect of some birth control types* “Oh, none. I’m not in a relationship, but if I were, we’d probably use condoms.”
Doctor: “Oh, good. You know, you really are quite overweight. It’s good you’re not sexually active. At your weight, if you fell pregnant, I’d have to force you to have an abortion.”
(This statement shocked me so badly that I froze and just sat, staring at him, as he lectured me about my weight. He advised me to try taking very small bites of my food, telling me that this method worked great for him. I left, still in a state of shock, and then realised that he did not address the problem with my feet. Another doctor later confirmed it was eczema.)
I’ll Have What She’s Having
CANADA, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HOSPITAL, ONTARIO, PATIENTS, SILLY | HEALTHY | APRIL 6, 2018
(I have just woken up from surgery. I look around the room and see my Ob/Gyn, so I decide to start a conversation.)
Me: “Are you real?”
Ob/Gyn: “Yes.”
Me: “I don’t think so! Wait, maybe you’re a ghost.”
Ob/Gyn: “I’m not a ghost.”
Me: “I bet I can stick my hand through you.” *I flop my arm over in his direction and hit him in the side* “HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!”
Ob/Gyn: “Do what?”
Me: “Block my hand.”
Ob/Gyn: “Like I said, I’m not a ghost.”
Me: “I knew it! You’re not real; this is all a dream. I think I can control it.”
(At this point, he stops talking and directs my bed into a recovery room. On the way, I hear a beeping sound, probably someone’s heart monitor going off.)
How Are Flu?
MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, STUPID, USA, VIRGINIA | HEALTHY | APRIL 6, 2018
(I’m the dumb patient in this story. I’m at the doctor’s office getting looked at for severe flu symptoms. I’m somewhat socially awkward, and lately have been trying to practice my small talk.)
Doctor: “So, how are you doing?”
Me: *automatic response* “Good. How are you?”
(There is a pause and the doctor shoots me a “Really?” look, as I’m sick as a dog.)
Me: “Well, not good good.”
Doctor: *jokingly* “Yeah, I think I’m probably doing better than you are right now.”
But Some Humans Don’t Have Brains
COLORADO, PETS & ANIMALS, STUPID, USA, VET | HEALTHY | APRIL 5, 2018
(This was heard by my friend who works as a janitor in the vet hospital
Some Patients Can Be An Arm-ful
AUSTRALIA, HOSPITAL, NURSES, PATIENTS, PERTH, SILLY, WESTERN AUSTRALIA | HEALTHY | APRIL 5, 2018
(My mum told me about this, as I have little memory of it. I had a fall a few weeks ago where I dislocated and fractured my ankle, broke the leg, and tore the ligament. Now, I’m in hospital for day surgery in which I’ve had some pins removed from my ankle. I get wheeled into recovery. My mum and her best friend are waiting next to my bed while I wake up properly. The nurses are doing vitals checks every 10 to 15 minutes. At this stage, I’m facing mum and her friend, and I’m still fairly groggy, so this intrusion of my sleep is starting to annoy me.)
Nurse: “Hello again. Sorry to wake you, but can I get your arm please, [My Name]?”
Me: “Ugh, fiiiiine.”
(The nurse checks my blood pressure.)
Nurse: “All righty, all done.”
(The next time the nurse starts to come over, my mum tells me
Mum: “Love, the nurse is coming over.”
Me: “Please excuse my back.” *turns over as the nurse approaches and raises my arm up* “Just take the arm.”
Nurse: “I’m sorry, what?”
Me: “Take my arm back with you to do checks so I can sleep.”
(My mum, her friend, and the nurse laugh.)
Nurse: “I’m sorry, hun; I can’t do that. We’d end up with so many arms at the nurses’ station, it would become inconvenient for everyone, especially those who the arms belong to.”
(I was discharged a couple hours later. I know checking vitals is very important, but at the time sleep was way more important.)
Some Business Starts In The Garage
IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, PETS & ANIMALS, STUPID, UK, VET | HEALTHY | APRIL 4, 2018
(I am the receptionist of a local vet. We have had a woman come in saying her cat is no longer pooping. We do a check, and the cat doesn’t appear to be uncomfortable, and we can’t feel anything which would indicate a blockage. The woman is insistent that we do an ultrasound, however, and after she pays the fee, she leaves her cat with us, and we give her instructions to call us the next morning.)
Woman: “I’m calling about my cat, [Cat].”
Me: “Yes, I’ll just get the vet. He’s asked to speak to you directly.”
(I hear her sobbing hysterically as I put her on hold. Our lead vet comes out and takes the call.)
Vet: “Mrs. [Woman].”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “Your cat is absolutely fine. We couldn’t find anything wrong.”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “Yes, it is a mystery. However, I wonder if you could tell me: do you own a cat flap by any chance?”
Woman: *shouting* “Yes. Why?”
Vet: “Is there a chance [Cat] could be doing her business outside?”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “Would you mind checking your garage, then, please?”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “And is the cat door locked?”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “Yes, I know you said no one can get in, but if the flap isn’t locked, there is a chance [Cat] could be doing her business in there.”
Woman: *mumbles and then shouts* “OH, MY GOD! THERE’S S*** EVERYWHERE!”
Vet: “Thank you, Mrs. [Woman]. I’ll see you soon.” *hangs up*
Some Business Starts In The Garage
IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, PETS & ANIMALS, STUPID, UK, VET | HEALTHY | APRIL 4, 2018
(I am the receptionist of a local vet. We have had a woman come in saying her cat is no longer pooping. We do a check, and the cat doesn’t appear to be uncomfortable, and we can’t feel anything which would indicate a blockage. The woman is insistent that we do an ultrasound, however, and after she pays the fee, she leaves her cat with us, and we give her instructions to call us the next morning.)
Woman: “I’m calling about my cat, [Cat].”
Me: “Yes, I’ll just get the vet. He’s asked to speak to you directly.”
(I hear her sobbing hysterically as I put her on hold. Our lead vet comes out and takes the call.)
Vet: “Mrs. [Woman].”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “Your cat is absolutely fine. We couldn’t find anything wrong.”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “Yes, it is a mystery. However, I wonder if you could tell me: do you own a cat flap by any chance?”
Woman: *shouting* “Yes. Why?”
Vet: “Is there a chance [Cat] could be doing her business outside?”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “Would you mind checking your garage, then, please?”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “And is the cat door locked?”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “Yes, I know you said no one can get in, but if the flap isn’t locked, there is a chance [Cat] could be doing her business in there.”
Woman: *mumbles and then shouts* “OH, MY GOD! THERE’S S*** EVERYWHERE!”
Vet: “Thank you, Mrs. [Woman]. I’ll see you soon.” *hangs up*
Curiosity In Utero
BIZARRE, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, MEDICAL OFFICE, ST LOUIS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 3, 2018
(I have been diagnosed with uterine cancer, and am scheduled to have a complete hysterectomy. Unfortunately, two days before the surgery, I have emergency hernia surgery. I tell the doctor performing the hernia surgery about the cancer. When I go in for my first follow-up, he says that everything is looking good.)
Doctor: “While I was in there, I reached down and felt your uterus; it really is enlarged.”
Me: “Uh… Thanks, that’s interesting.”
(As I’m leaving, the full import of what he said finally hits. My hernia incision is above my belly button, and he REACHED DOWN INSIDE ME, and felt my uterus. I later tell a nurse about this, and her response?)
Nurse: “Surgeons are a curious lot.”
(The hysterectomy went well, and I am now cancer-free.)
Left You Feeling Cold(sore)
BAD BEHAVIOR, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, ENGLAND, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, MEDICAL OFFICE, UK | HEALTHY | APRIL 3, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.
(I’ve suffered from cold sores for about six years, and normally I only get two or three a year. Over the last six months, I have had them repeatedly, one after the other, so I decide to go to my doctor. I make an appointment, but I have to wait three weeks for it — this is a pretty normal wait time for an appointment in my area.)
Me: “I read on the NHS website that if cold sores get this bad and persistent, there’s a medication that can help to treat it.”
Doctor #1 : “Why do you think you need a prescription medicine? That’s pretty drastic.”
Me: “I’ve had non-stop cold sores for six months, and that isn’t normal. The creams from the pharmacy aren’t working.”
Doctor #1 : “Yes, but lots of things cause cold sores. Sunlight, poor diet, being on your period.”
Me: “Well, I haven’t been on my period for six straight months! My diet hasn’t changed, and it’s winter, so I haven’t been in the sun.”
Doctor #1 : “It could be a response to an infection. I’ll send you for a blood test, but I don’t want to give you tablets for something so minor.”
(It takes a week to get the paperwork for the blood test — it has to be done at the hospital — a week for me to be able to get my blood tested, and another week before the results come back. I then have to wait another two weeks to see my doctor to discuss the results.)
Doctor #1 : “Your tests showed elevated white blood cells, which is a sign of infection. But I think it’s a false positive, so I’ll send you for another blood test.”
Me: “What makes you think it’s false? You said it could be an infection.”
Doctor #1 : “Well, I think you did have an infection, but it’s gone now. I’ll send you for another one and compare the results.”
(Cue ANOTHER TWO weeks of waiting for the blood test and test results.)
Receptionist: “The doctor says your blood test came back normal and he doesn’t need to see you. He says there’s nothing he can do.”
Me: “What?! That’s not right! He hasn’t done anything!”
Receptionist: *quietly speaking to me* “I recommend you see another doctor. They can look at your results and you can get a second opinion.”
(I have to wait ANOTHER THREE weeks to see a second doctor, so by this time it’s been more than eight months of cold sores.)
Doctor #2 : “”You’ve had cold sores for EIGHT MONTHS?!”
Me: “It’s been Hell; I’ve had either a sore, a scab, or a scar on my face this whole time. The creams aren’t working, I’ve tried every home remedy on Google, and I don’t know what else to do.”
Doctor #2 : “It could be a sign of something serious, but it could be nothing. Let’s have a look at your test results… Are you taking iron?”
Me: “No, why?”
Doctor #2 : “Didn’t the other doctor say anything about your iron levels?!”
Me: “He said my blood was normal.”
Doctor #2 : “It’s most certainly not normal! You have extremely low iron levels, in both sets of results. There’s a proven link between low iron and mouth sores. You just need to take an iron supplement. And I’ll give you a prescription for the cold sores, so they’ll clear up in a week or less. Your white blood cell count is still up, so I think you may need antibiotics, too.”
(Since I’ve been taking iron, I hardly have cold sores at all. And my infection cleared up, but the doctor said if it hadn’t, it could have developed into sepsis, which can be fatal. Now, whenever I make a doctor’s appointment I specifically say, “Any doctor other than [Doctor #1 ],” and from what the receptionist has since told me, lots of patients do the same.)
Opposable Definitions
PETS & ANIMALS, STUPID, TEXAS, USA, VET | HEALTHY | APRIL 2, 2018
(We are in a mostly rural area. A client has brought in her new dog, a recent adoption from the shelter. The client is a middle-aged, very traditional, southern woman. The doctor is from New England and has found that pretending to be just a dumb Yankee that doesn’t know how things work in Texas is an effective method of calming angry clients.)
Owner: “I’m very disappointed at the shelter; they promised he was already fixed, but I can see that he is not. If you don’t get dogs fixed, they get aggressive and can attack.”
(The vet starts his exam.)
Vet: “His scrotum is empty and there is a surgical scar here; this dog has been castrated.”
Owner: “Well, that’s nice and all, but I’m here to talk about getting him fixed.”
Vet: “Um, he has been fixed.”
Owner: “No, he hasn’t; just look at him!”
Vet: “I did; he has no testicles.”
Owner: “Why are you so focused on his manhood?! That has nothing to do with being fixed!”
Vet: “What does being fixed mean to you?”
Owner: “YOU ARE A VET! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT GETTING A DOG FIXED MEANS?!”
Vet: “Ma’am, clearly there has been a misunderstanding, because where I grew up, getting the dog fixed is a euphemism for castration. Clearly that is not the case here, so please, explain what that phrase means in Texas.”
Owner: “It’s where they do a surgery to remove the dog’s thumbs, because thumbs are what separates us from the animals. You have to get them removed so the dog knows it is just an animal. Honestly, you can see his thumbs from here.” *gestures at the dog’s dewclaws*
(The doctor had to excuse himself from the exam room to laugh. He sent in the techs, and after 15 minutes they finally convinced her that she was misinformed. Apparently, when the owner was a young child she was told that definition of the phrase by a parent that didn’t want to explain what castration was, and she never questioned it as she got older. The dog still has his dewclaws.)
A Little Bird Googled Me
JERK, USA, VET | HEALTHY | APRIL 2, 2018
Me: “Thank you for calling [Veterinary Clinic]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”
Client: “I have a sick bird. Can I make an appointment?”
Me: “I’m sorry; we only see dogs and cats here.”
Client: “It’s not my bird; it’s wild and it flew into my window.”
Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t have any of the proper equipment to treat birds, and most of our staff doesn’t have that training.”
Client: “I know I should take it to the wildlife rescue, but they don’t accept animals after 4:00 pm. Can’t you help me?”
Me: “We don’t treat birds here, but let me check with the doctor to see what she recommends.”
(The doctor tells me the name of another clinic that treats exotic animals.)
Me: “Ma’am, try calling [Pet and Bird Hospital]. They’re pretty close to us; I can get you their number.”
Client: “Oh, I already have it; they showed up right after you in the Google results.”
Smoking Is Always A Double Negative
ENGLAND, HOSPITAL, NURSES, UK, WORDPLAY | HEALTHY | MARCH 31, 2018
(My nurse is going over some basic questions whilst taking my blood pressure.)
Nurse: “And we’re not a smoker, are we? You don’t smoke.”
Me: “Uh, yes. Wait, no. Wait, yes. Hang on… I don’t know how to respond to that! I don’t smoke. That is my answer.”
Nurse: “Yeah, you’re right, actually. I should probably learn to phrase that better!”
I Am Apregnant
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, ENGLAND, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, UK | HEALTHY | MARCH 30, 2018
(I go to the doctor due to being on my period for five weeks. The conversation is fairly routine; he asks if I’ve changed my diet and about what my period is normally like — he seems a bit freaked out when I say it is normally only two weeks — but overall it seems to be going well. He then asks if I could be pregnant.)
Me: “I can very safely say I’m not pregnant.”
Doctor: “Oh? What contraception are you using?”
Me: “Asexuality.”
(Normally when I say that, the doctor just nods and continues with questions, or asks if I want to consider long-term birth control “as a precaution,” but otherwise just drops the subject. This guy lost it, ranting about proper birth control and about how I, a 25-year-old woman, “should know better by now.” No, I don’t know what he meant by that. I let him rant for a few minutes, and when he finally calmed down, I said, “It means I’m a virgin.” He blinked, apologised quietly, and gave me some pills for the actual reason I was there. I left after making a note of his name so I could make a complaint.)
Has No Heart For Others
ENGLAND, JERK, LONDON, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, UK | HEALTHY | MARCH 30, 2018
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.
(My cousin is sitting in the reception area, waiting for his appointment with the doctor, when a gentleman who is also waiting suddenly has a heart attack. The receptionist screams for help, all the doctors come running, and while they are busy administering CPR, the receptionist calls for an ambulance. The receptionist then prepares to go outside, to guide the paramedics to the right location when they arrive. My cousin, along with all the other patients in the waiting area, keep out of the way to allow the doctors to work on the gentleman… all except one patient, who arrived in the midst of all the chaos, hasn’t registered what is going on — or simply doesn’t care — and is therefore standing at the reception desk, huffing in indignation.)
Patient: “Well, really! Where do you think you’re going? I have an appointment! And I’m in a hurry, so I expect to be seen on time.”
Receptionist: *looks pointedly down at the floor, where the doctors were still administering CPR* “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m afraid all the doctors are a bit busy right now, TRYING TO SAVE THIS GENTLEMAN’S LIFE!”
Use Your Head Before You See The Head Injury
HOSPITAL, JERK, STRANGERS, USA, UTAH | HEALTHY | MARCH 28, 2018
(One evening, as I am working, I end up standing up and smacking my head against a shelf, leading to a head wound that starts bleeding rather profusely. I clean up a bit and get an old rag to hold over the injury. My manager gets one of my co-workers to drive me over to the ER to get checked out. We arrive, and start to get checked in, when an old man speaks up behind me.)
Old Man: “F****** kid, bumped his head and trying to get attention. Go home, you p****! There are people that actually need to be here!”
(I turned, because I was not quite sure if he was talking to me, revealing the side of my face that had a few streaks of blood down it that I hadn’t managed to clean up. Right as I turned, a new line of blood leaked out and rolled down the side of my face, as well. The old man jumped and actually half-slid out of his seat, before standing up and scurrying over to a chair across the waiting area from where I was. I got checked in, and they confirmed that it was just a typical head wound, no concussion or internal bleeding. As I left, I spotted the old man being let in, and he turned away, beet red. Maybe he’ll learn to not be so quick to judge.)
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