Your Plan Doesn’t Have A Leg To Stand On
FLORIDA, HOSPITAL, USA | HEALTHY | NOVEMBER 1, 2017
(My aunt is pregnant with my cousin after years of miscarriages and a stillbirth. She’s at one of her ultrasounds when the doctor notices something weird.)
Doctor: “I think your baby is malformed.”
Aunt: “What are you talking about?”
Doctor: “I mean she isn’t developing properly. She might be born disfigured.”
Aunt: “How bad are we talking? She’s not going to die, is she?”
Doctor: “I can’t tell for certain, but it looks like she’s missing a leg.”
Aunt: “What?! What do you mean my baby is missing a leg?!”
Doctor: “I mean unless it’s hidden somewhere, it’s gone.”
(Over the next few weeks the doctor subtly implied over and over again that she should terminate the pregnancy due to the malformation. She ended up switching doctors when he got fed up and straight up told her to terminate because apparently allowing a child to exist with a deformity was akin to abuse. When she gave birth, my cousin indeed only had one leg. She learned how to walk with a prosthetic at a very young age and is now 23, athletic, and happy, and you wouldn’t know she only had one leg if she didn’t show you her prosthetic. We’re all still horrified that the doctor thought terminating her in the name of “protecting” her was the only course of action, especially after my aunt and uncle had suffered so many previous losses.)
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When Collecting Becomes A Disease
CANADA, HOSPITAL, ONTARIO | HEALTHY | NOVEMBER 1, 2017
(I’m the weird one here. I’m speaking to my doctor about getting caught up on my vaccines.)
Doctor: “So, what brings you in today?”
Me: *off the top of my head* “I have measles, mumps, rubella, tetanus, and meningitis. Should I get hepatitis or HPV next?”
Doctor: *giving me a strange look* “I’m sorry, what do you mean?”
Me: *realizing how I just worded that* “VACCINES! I want to get all my immunizations.”
Hard To Swallow That He Doesn’t Realize
MEDICAL OFFICE, NEW YORK, RUDE & RISQUE, USA | HEALTHY | NOVEMBER 1, 2017
(I am getting X-rays done because I’m going to have a procedure done soon. Beforehand they make you drink this thick gooey liquid that supposedly makes it easier to take the X-rays. Before the doctor comes in, the nurse is asking me some preliminary questions.)
Nurse: “Do you have any difficulty swallowing?”
(Being as immature as I am, I have to try really hard to contain my laughter in order to answer no. Then the doctor comes in
Doctor: “Do you have any difficulty swallowing?”
(I try really hard not to laugh and say no.)
Doctor: “Are you sure? I’m gonna give you this thick liquid to swallow; it’s gonna feel a little slimy as it goes down your throat.”
(I can’t help it and crack up.)
Doctor: “Oooookay, I guess I’m going to have to describe this a different way. You’re the fifth person today that laughs when I explain this process, and that’s not even including the new nurse in training.”
The Workforce Is Strong With This One
DRUG STORE, PHARMACY | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 31, 2017
(We have a giant inflatable ghost on display for Halloween. It doesn’t quite sit right and tends to lean to the side, so we frequently adjust it.)
Coworker: “[My name]! The ghost is falling again.”
Me: “Okay…”
(We spend about five minutes fiddling with it, until we get it to sit up right.)
Coworker: “Oh, no. His ascot got flipped backwards.”
(We proceed to grab boxes and stick-like things, trying to flip the ascot back around to no avail.)
Me: “OH! I’ve got it!”
(I run away with no explanation and return with a toy extendable lightsaber. I make the “vwing” noise and I flick it and extend the lightsaber. I succeed in straightening the ghost’s tie on the first attempt.)
Coworker: “…You just fixed the ascot of an inflatable ghost with a lightsaber.”
The Trouble With Trekkies
CLINIC | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 31, 2017
(During Halloween at my clinic, my boss allows us to dress up a little. Being a Star Trek fan, I wear a Starfleet medical uniform and download a Star Trek soundboard app on my phone.)
Patient: “Hello, sir, I am [name] and I’m here to see Dr. [name].”
Me: “Oh, yes, I have you here right on time. Just have a seat and we’ll call you soon.”
Patient: “Well, while you’re here, I don’t suppose you can scan me with your tricorder to see?”
Me: “Well, if you want me to!”
(I open my soundboard and start playing the tricorder sound as I start scanning him.)
Patient: “Hahaha! Oh, my god! I am laughing so hard, my chest is hurting!”
Coworker: “[My name], you’re such a nerd.”
Me: “I believe that goes with the uniform I’m wearing.”
How To Expline This To You
AUSTRALIA, HOSPITAL, WORDPLAY | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 30, 2017
(Making bookings for patients is very easy. All I need is name, phone, modality, body part, and doctor name. I’ve been on the phone for a few minutes, the patient telling me a rather detailed explanation why she needs a scan of her back, yet not telling me anything I need to know. I’m polite, don’t interrupt, but I am spending too much time on this call and my coworker needs help with patients lined up.)
Me: “Okay. That doesn’t sound good. Did your doctor want an x-ray, ultrasound, or CT?”
Patient: “Scan of my back. My back.”
Me: “On your form your doctor gave you, did they write X.R., C.T. or U.S. anywhere?”
anguMe: “The paper the doctor gave you. Can you read it to me?”
Patient: “I have a paper. It says nothing.”
Me: *still very polite* “It doesn’t have your name on it? Not the doctor’s name and signature?”
Patient: “Yes. My name is [Patient].”
Me: *I can’t take it down until I know what they need and what room to start in, so I make a mental note for later* “Okay. Now the paper has nothing on it?” *I know it’s repetitive, but I have to confirm for what I have to say next if it’s true*
Patient: “Nothing. There’s nothing!”
Me: “Okay. So that means it’s invalid. You’d need to go to the doctors and get him to write you a referral.”
Patient: “It’s here!” *she’s now livid* ‘No! No. No. It says here!”
Me: “I’m sorry?”
Patient: “It says X.R. spline—” *yes, s.p.l.i.n.e.* “—Lubosac; my back!”
(I gathered it was an x-ray lumbosacral spine, but don’t you just love how information materialises?)
Radiating Pure Incompetence
CHATS & DMS, HEALTH & BODY, OFFICE, UK | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 30, 2017
(I work for the safety department overseeing several sites that my company is working on. I mainly focus on radiation exposure. We receive daily reports of exposure for all men working in radioactive areas with personal dosimeters that record in real time. Each site has one person who collates the information before passing it on. One site has recently had to employ a new person. He has sent the information through and I notice a problem. I reply to his email.)
Me: “[Person], is this information correct?”
Person: “Yes. It is correct.”
Me: “Okay. I thought I would check as many of your workers have far exceeded the legal limit in just one day. Has there been an incident?”
Person: “No. No incident. The information is correct. I have checked with dosimetry on site, and they confirm.”
(I don’t believe him, so I email the safety manager on site just to double check, but he doesn’t respond. I decide to pry further.)
Me: “[Person], can I assume that the workers have been sent home with pay? I will need to report this.”
Person: “No. They’re still working. I won’t be able to reach them until they finish.”
Me: “Well, you’re going to have to. They have far exceeded the legal limit for a year’s worth of exposure. As per policy, this will have to be reported and they will need to be monitored. Can you please check with [Safety Manager]?”
Person: “It’s just one Sievert! And no, [Safety Manager] is in a meeting.”
Me: “[Person], a Sievert is a large dose. We work in micro and millisieverts. Are you absolutely certain this information is correct?”
Person: “The information IS correct. That is the end of it!”
(I was even less convinced and spoke to my manager. He contacted the site manager and it was decided that the workers be sent home and everyone pulled off until the matter was resolved. It turned out no one there thought it necessary to train the new person, despite him having no experience with ionising radiation. The workers were only exposed to a few microseiverts and they were allowed to return to work. This incident reflected so badly on us it risked our contract with the site, and the manager, safety manager, and the new person were relocated. I got landed with the new person, and he’s made it his life goal to make my life miserable, as payment for his and his managers’ mistake.)
A Disheartening Way To Treat The Issue
AUSTRALIA, CAR, HEALTH & BODY, NEW SOUTH WALES, PARENTS/GUARDIANS | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 30, 2017
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.
(I have a day off so I wasn’t planning on doing much other than sleeping in. At about 9:30 am I get a call from my dad.)
Dad: “Hey, sweetie, are you doing anything at the moment?”
Me: *lying in bed* “No, not anything important. What’s up?”
Dad: “The coolant hose has come loose on the car again. Could I get you to come pick me up to get some more coolant?”
Me: “Yeah, sure, no problem.”
(I go and get him, chatting about inconsequential things, asking about each others’ weekends. We get the coolant and we are heading back to his car. This happens about half an hour after I pick him up.)
Dad: “Yeah, I wasn’t feeling that great this morning… About an hour ago I started getting chest pain and was thinking I should go to the hospital, but I’m feeling okay now so maybe I should just go home.”
Me: *being skeptical in my head* “Nah, if you were worried, Dad, I’d go up there. I will go with you if you’d like. I’ll stay with you. It can get kinda boring up there by yourself.”
Dad: “Oh, well, only if you’re not doing anything. It might be a good idea.”
Me: “Sure thing; it’s better to be safe than sorry.”
Dad: “Only if you’re sure you’re not doing anything
Me: “I’m sure; I will meet you up there.”
(I follow him up only to find a parking space at the bottom of the hill, so we walk up to the top and get admitted into ED. Long story short, Dad had had a minor heart attack, three in fact, the last one as we were walking up the hill, and he just wanted to go home. I spent five hours with him, him asking me not to tell any family members because he didn’t want to stress them out. Mum nearly had a heart attack herself when she found out, mainly because he waited five hours to tell her! Please, please, people — get it checked out sooner rather than later!)
Drugs Make You Quackers
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 29, 2017
(My mom is a nurse practitioner at a health clinic primarily for homeless people. Naturally she has some interesting exchanges with her patients. Her favorite one to tell is about a patient who had come in for the first time, and she was asking all the preliminary questions.)
Mom: “Do you have any allergies?”
Patient: “I’m allergic to penicillin.”
Mom: “What sort of reaction do you have when you take it?”
Patient: “It makes me talk like Donald Duck.”
(After trying to hold in laughter, my mom had to explain to him that while his “reaction” was more of a mild mutation, it was not considered a harmful allergy. It’s her favorite story to tell next to the woman who referred to the lice on her head as “movable dandruff.”)
BerEFT Of Paying
AUSTRALIA, HOSPITAL, RECEPTION | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 28, 2017
(At the end of a visit patients return to the front desk to settle accounts. Our EFT Machine likes to be difficult sometimes so I do as much as I can on it so the patient doesn’t get confused.)
Me: “Okay, was that cheque, savings, or credit?”
Patient: “Credit.”
(I select credit and put the EFT Machine in front of them.)
Me: “Pin, please.”
(I look away. After hearing only four beeps, each button pressed beeps — four for the pin and one for enter — I go ahead and visually see only three buttons of the pin were entered. I press the yellow button once to erase it.)
Me: “Pin again, please. The buttons tend to stick.”
(Again I hear only four beeps and visually check. I repeat pressing the yellow button once.)
Me: “Once more, please. Really press down.”
(I hear four beeps again, but before I can press the yellow button the patient notices and presses it three times quickly. The machine makes an error beep and a big cross comes on the screen that cancels the payment.)
Me: “Okay. We only need to press that once. Let’s start again.”
(Little things like this that tend to be unnecessary mistakes and use more time than it should. Another example
Me: “Was that cheque, savings, or credit?”
(I notice on the screen it says debit, but debit and credit can be selected as the same thing. Debit cards are used in place of credit cards when ordering online and such. The patient looks at me wide-eyed.)
Patient: “I don’t have credit!”
(They panic faster than I can explain. It was a slip of the tongue, habitual, and not really a fuss.)
Patient: “Don’t put it on credit! It’s not credit!”
Their Lack Of Professionalism Is An Eye-Sore
INSURANCE, MEDICAL OFFICE, PENNSYLVANIA, USA | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 27, 2017
(My eye insurance changes when I got a new job, so I need to find a new doctor for my contacts exam. I choose one in the same building as my previous job at a pharmacy, as I’ve met [Doctor], who is a really nice guy, and call to make an appointment.)
Me: “Hi, before I make an appointment, I want to confirm that you take my insurance?”
Receptionist: “Oh, the plan offered by the local hospital? Of course we do.”
(I’m scheduled for the next open appointment, three months away. Fast forward to the day of the appointment. She copies my insurance cards, and I wait for my exam.)
Nurse: “[My Name]. Good afternoon, the doctor will be in to see you shortly.”
(In walks a short, bald, bearded man, not the tall, thin, bespectacled fellow I knew from the pharmacy, but I figure perhaps [Doctor] has expanded his practice or has a fill-in today. He proceeds to do my exam and tells me my script will be up front, no niceties, no introduction.)
Me: “Thank you! And I’m sorry, but I didn’t catch your name.” *primarily so I know not to schedule an appointment with him again*
Doctor: “[Doctor], of course!”
Me: “Oh, I apologize. I mistook the taller gentleman with glasses for you.”
Doctor: “He’s just the optician.”
(Cue the end of the awkwardness, and I go up front to pay my copay and get my script.)
Receptionist: “That will be [amount nearly $300].”
Me: “What? Shouldn’t it be $50 with my insurance and deductible?”
Receptionist: “Oh, we only take your insurance for eye emergencies.”
Me: *pays with mouth agape*
(She knew they only took my insurance for emergencies and scheduled me for an obviously non-emergent appointment. Then she copied my cards, again not pointing out that it wouldn’t cover my visit. And the doctor was an unfriendly, cold fellow to boot. Needless to say I never went back, even though my insurance has now changed to something they universally accept.)
A Labor-Intensive Work Environment
COLORADO, FAST FOOD, HEALTH & BODY, USA | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 27, 2017
(I am working the cash register at a fast food restaurant. A pregnant woman comes up to me.)
Woman: “Hi, I’m in labor right now. Can I get a big glass of ice water?”
Me: *not sure I heard her correctly* “I… what?”
Woman: “Yeah, I just had a big contraction. Can I get some water?”
Me: “Uh… yeah, totally. Of course.”
(I grab her a cup and begin filling it with ice and water.)
Me: *jokingly* “So you’re not going to have the kid here, are you? I don’t know how to do that.”
Woman: *smirking* “No, I’m not going to have it here. Though you would not believe how backed up the highway is.”
(I give her the water and she rushes out. Her voice was strained throughout the conversation which makes total sense. I later told a coworker what I’d just gone through.)
Coworker: “Yeah, it happens. I had a woman in labor go through the drive-thru once.” *confused* “So you’ve been working food service for ten years and you’ve never had that happen once?”
There Are Prescribed Lunch Breaks
CALIFORNIA, PHARMACY, USA | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 26, 2017
(I work in a pharmacy as an intern, and on the weekends, we only have one pharmacist on duty. It is company policy that employees have to take their unpaid lunch by the fifth hour on the clock. This happens when our pharmacist is out to lunch.)
Tech: “Hello there. Are you picking up or dropping off?”
Patient: “Picking up.”
Tech: “I’m sorry, but our pharmacist is on lunch. We can’t sell any prescriptions without a pharmacist here.”
Patient: “Why the h*** not?!”
Tech: “I’m sorry, but it is against the law for us to do that.”
Patient: “Just give it to me! I drove all the way here!”
Tech: “I can’t; it’s against the law, and we have to have a pharmacist here.”
Patient: “There should always be a pharmacist here; it’s a pharmacy! Why the h*** aren’t they here?!”
Tech: “She’s on her lunch right now. She’ll be back at 1:30, but I can’t do anything until then.”
Patient: “I want to talk to a manager!”
Tech: *calls manager*
Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we can’t do anything until the pharmacist comes back from lunch. She has to take her lunch, too.”
Patient: “I’m complaining to corporate. What is their number? This is ridiculous!”
Manager: “It’s [number].”
(The patient storms off as the manager just shrugs.)
Manager: “Call all you want. What are they gonna do? Fire me for following the law?”
Check Comes With A Teleportation Fee
ILLINOIS, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 26, 2017
(We get requests from companies requesting medical charts. We charge a fee to print and mail them. Charts are only mailed after receiving payment.)
Caller: “Hi, I’m calling from [Company] regarding the 25 chart review.”
Me: “Yes?”
Caller: “I was just wondering if you received the check yet?”
Me: *thinking maybe it came in today’s mail, which we hadn’t gotten yet* “When did you mail it?”
1 Part Bleach To 100 Parts Stupidity, Part 2
PENNSYLVANIA, PHARMACY, PITTSBURGH, USA | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 25, 2017
(I am a pharmacy technician, not qualified to recommend drugs or dispense advice. Any questions about actual medicine, I am required to pass off to a pharmacist, even if I think I know the answer.)
Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”
Customer: *mumbling* “Um, I think I—” *mumbles* “—contact with bleach…”
Me: “I’m sorry, what? Could you repeat that?”
Customer: “I think I might have swallowed some bleach and was wondering if the pharmacist could recommend anything.”
Me: *trying not to look alarmed* “Well, if I were you, I would call the Poison Control Center, but I’ll check with the pharmacist.”
(I go back to the counter where the pharmacist is working.)
Me: “This guy says he might have ingested bleach and wants to know if you can recommend anything. I told him he should call the Poison Control Center.”
Pharmacist: “Yeah, that’s about it.”
(I go up to the front counter and repeat this advice to the customer.)
Customer: “Well, I drank some fluids and I’m feeling better now. I had some [soda], and some water, and some lemonade. My chest was hurting before but now it’s better. Do you know if bleach can make your chest hurt?”
Me: “Um… probably. If you swallowed bleach, it could hurt on the way down. You should probably call the Poison Control Center.”
Customer: “Eh, maybe I’ll call them tomorrow. If I’m not feeling better then, I can go to the emergency room, too.”
Me: “I would call them tonight if I were you, just to be safe. Do you want their number?”
(I write it down on the nearest piece of paper and hand it to him.)
Customer: “Yeah, thanks. I might call them tomorrow.”
(He wanders away, but comes back later. My coworker is an intern, studying to become a pharmacist, and gets to the counter first. I overhear their conversation.)
Customer: “I was wondering about water pills. What do they do?”
Coworker: “Um, they make you urinate.”
Customer: “Can I get some of those?”
Coworker: *realizing why he’s asking* “They don’t flush out your system; they’re used to lower blood pressure. And you would need a prescription.”
Customer: “Can I get one of those?”
Coworker: *bewildered* “We don’t give prescriptions here; we just fill them. You would need to go to a doctor.”
(The customer wanders away, apparently still confused about a lot of things.)
Me: “I hope he’s going to be okay.”
Pharmacist: “If he had really swallowed bleach, his throat would be burned. I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but there’s nothing else we can do.”
1 Part Bleach To 100 Parts Stupidity
PET STORE | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 22, 2012
Me: “How are you today? I’m told you needed help with fish?”
Customer: “Yeah, all my fish died after I cleaned my tank yesterday. My husband says that it may have had to do with me using bleach, but I told him he was wrong.”
Me: “Well, actually he is right. Bleach leaves residue on the glass. Even after rinsing it, that can kill the fish.”
Customer: “But I didn’t even rinse it.”
Me: “What did you do, then?”
Customer: “I just added it to the water. How could that kill them?”
Your Boss Can Be A Real Swine
BOSSES & OWNERS, HEALTH & BODY, KENTUCKY, NURSING HOME, USA | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 25, 2017
(I call in to my job as a certified nursing assistant at a nursing home. It is 2009.)
Me: “Hey, I can’t come in today because I have a fever of 104 and other flu symptoms.”
Nurse #1 : “I can’t let you call in unless you come here and have a nurse take your temperature.”
Me: “What? I live 15 miles away. My fever is really high and I have really bad cold chills.”
Nurse #1 : “You’ll probably get fired if you don’t come and let us take your temperature.”
(I drive the 15 miles to let them take my temperature. At this point, I’m almost hallucinating from the fever.)
Nurse #1 : “Oh, your fever is 105 now.” *to other nurse* “Should she go home? We are kind of short today.”
Nurse #2 : “I don’t know. She could probably work.”
(I then collapse onto the chair, barely hearing them in a fever haze.)
Nurse #2 : “I guess so.” *to me* “You can go home, I guess. But get a doctor’s note.”
(I then drove home, barely coherent. After going to the doctor I found out that I had SWINE FLU, or H1N1. And they wanted me to come to work, endangering both myself and the elderly residents! I quit a few months later.)
Could Be Better
MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 25, 2017
(I have a chronic illness and find myself going to the office where my GP, the walk-in clinic, and phlebotomy lab are all located. There are two attendants at the front doors that help patients in and out of vehicles and bring wheelchairs. Here in the South, it’s pretty typical for strangers to greet you as you walk past or even ask how you are. “Pretty good,” is the expected answer, no matter what.)
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