Help Me Help You
BAD BEHAVIOR, CALIFORNIA, HOSPITAL, NURSES, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 3, 2020
I am in the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. While I am there waiting for surgery, I overhear a conversation with a man being extremely loud and a nurse trying to tend to him.
Nurse: “Sir, I need to ask you to calm down so we can treat your injuries.”
Man: “No! I bet you gonna try and sew me up so you can pass it off to my insurance! I ain’t falling for that s***!”
Nurse: “Sir, I’m gonna ask you to please calm down so we can stop the bleeding and at least bandage you up!”
Man: “NO! YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO STEAL MONEY FROM ME! I’M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR S***! SEND ME ANOTHER NURSE OR SOMETHING!”
Nurse: “Listen! I don’t have to deal with your attitude, but it’s my duty as a nurse to tend to injuries. Now either you can calm down and let me at least bandage you up and give you pain relievers and send you on your way, I can have security escort you out while we clean the mess you made, or I can send you to [Nearest Hospital, in another city] if you want to be rowdy as you are. What’s it gonna be?!”
I don’t hear anything for ten minutes, or I pass out from the painkillers, but I overhear the nurse and another nurse speaking after a while.
Nurse #1 : “I can’t believe he was that stubborn over a ‘paper’ cut on his arm.”
I’m guessing that is a code term for minor cuts and whatnot.
Nurse #2 : “Paper cut? That did not look like a paper cut!”
Nurse #1 : “Trust me; when you’ve had to file paperwork as much as I have in my time, you realize the difference between a ‘stab wound’ and a nasty paper cut.”
I have been thankful ever since for how kind the nurses were while I was in the hospital, after seeing what they put up with daily.
Apparently, Not Everyone Hates Needles?
HOSPITAL, LIARS/SCAMMERS, NON-DIALOGUE, USA, WEST VIRGINIA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 1, 2020
My coworker is working registration in the emergency department. A visitor for a patient comes in, and after my coworker checks with the nurse, she tells the gentleman to have a seat in the waiting room and she will get her as soon as he can go back.
Shortly after, a nurse comes out calling the names of a few patients ready to be seen.
She is busy helping a new patient check in when she believes she sees the gentleman sneak in with the group of patients.
She is busy and doesn’t have time to stop him and she figures staff will end up sending him back out.
After a few minutes, she has everyone checked in and a patient comes out of the waiting room enquiring how long until he can go back.
Once he tells her the name, she instantly recognizes it as one the nurse had just called. She looks up the name, and sure enough, it’s showing him roomed in the ED.
She quickly calls the nurse who is about to put an IV in the visitor’s arm.
Unlike sneaking to visit a patient like my coworker expected this guy would do, instead, he followed the nurse to the room pretending to be someone else.
I don’t know how he faked his way that far since all nurses ask for name and birthday confirmation before they do anything.
Security removed him quickly after they realized what was going on.
Which Hurts Worse? The Broken Bone Or Worker’s Comp?
BILLING, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HOSPITAL, JERK, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 31, 2020
I fall down at work and badly injure my foot and ankle. I limp to the bathrooms and feel it; it’s puffing up quick. My supervisor comes over and asks what happened. I tell him; he facepalms and tells me to drive myself to the hospital and not to worry because I have worker’s compensation.
I do, but the adrenaline wears off. I can’t use my right foot because it’s too painful, so I have to use my left. Luckily, there’s no traffic because it’s very awkward and painful to drive. I have to bite my tongue to keep from screaming. Once I get there, I park and hop to the lobby. My supporting leg buckles and I can’t go further.
I yell for help and the receptionist gives me a wheelchair. I check in and tell her it’s worker’s compensation and she says okay. I’m feeling quite sorry for myself, and then I hear sobbing. There’s an older woman whose foot looks black and rotted. I stop feeling so sorry for myself.
After a long wait, I’m taken to get x-rays, and after a longer wait after that, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: *Very cheerily* “Well! I looked over your x-rays and you have sprained your ankle and broken your foot!”
Me: “Oh, no! I’ve never broken anything. Will I need surgery?”
Doctor: *Big grin* “No, it’s just a foot! Ha! You can just use a boot!”
Me: “Oh, but I need it.”
Doctor: “Now, let me just wrap your foot!”
She grabs my poor, already black and blue foot, roughly.
Me: “Owwwwww!”
Doctor: “Oh, I’m sorry. Does it hurt?”
Yeah, it’s broken, duh.
She wrapped it up while humming and gave me a boot and crutches. Then, I was thrown out, and later, the hospital said I needed to pay. I told them again that it was worker’s compensation and they said okay. But they kept calling and sending letters every day, saying the worker’s compensation company wouldn’t answer their calls! They kept harassing me until I finally gave in. Yes, I know I shouldn’t have, but anyone who’s been harassed every day for years would go nuts. I still have pain in my foot.
More Like “Harmacist”
EMPLOYEES, NEW JERSEY, PHARMACY, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 30, 2020
My boyfriend and I decide to have sex one night, so we grab a condom, but it breaks halfway through, and we don’t realize until we finish.
I decide to go to the pharmacy to get a morning-after pill. I don’t look particularly young. When I arrive at the pharmacy, the pharmacist comes right up to the counter.
Me: “Hi. Can I get the morning-after pill?”
Pharmacist: “Did you speak with your doctor?”
Me: “Um, no.”
Pharmacist: “You need to speak with your doctor, first, sweetheart. And I need your parents’ consent.”
Me: “Um, first of all, no, you don’t. Even if I was underage, you don’t need their consent. And I should get the pill if I ask for it right here; I shouldn’t have to speak to my doctor.”
Pharmacist: “Underage? How old are you?”
Me: “Twenty-four.”
The pharmacist looks surprised before consulting with another pharmacist. They both come over, the first pharmacist watching from behind the second pharmacist. The second pharmacist hands me the package with the pill.
Second Pharmacist: “Sorry about that. She’s never acted like that before. I’ll have a talk with her.”
That’s The Trouble With Affordable Healthcare
EMERGENCY ROOM, ENGLAND, HOSPITAL, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, LONDON, NURSES, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, STUPID, UK | HEALTHY | AUGUST 28, 2020
I work in a hospital. A mother brings her daughter into the emergency room.
Nurse: “Hi there. Could you describe the nature of your medical needs?”
Mother: “My daughter stepped in dog poop and I’m afraid she might have an infection.”
Nurse: “Okay, does your daughter have any open wounds, blisters, warts, etc., near where she came into contact with the dog poop?”
Mother: “No.”
Nurse: “Did you wash her foot afterward with warm water and soap?”
Mother: “That’s disgusting! Why would I do that?”
Nurse: “To protect your daughter from infection?”
Mother: “No, I just threw it out.”
Nurse: “Wha…” *Lightbulb moment* “Was your daughter wearing shoes when she stepped in the poop?”
Mother: “Yes! Of course.”
Nurse: “So, you’re telling me that your daughter stepped into dog poop wearing shoes and socks, and she has no open wounds on her feet, and you are worried she has an infection?”
Mother: “Yes, of course, I’m worried.”
Nurse: “No offence, but this is an emergency room. It is very unlikely she got an infection, and since this is obviously a very low-priority case, you may be waiting here for up to six hours to see a doctor. I recommend you go home and make an appointment with your regular doctor in a couple of days’ time. If your daughter does take any severe turns, you can always bring her in or call an ambulance and she will be seen immediately.”
Mother: “Oh, no, you don’t! I want you to get my daughter to see a doctor as soon as you can!”
Nurse: “Very well. Please be aware that you could be waiting a very long time as we assign cases on a priority basis. Also please be aware that, whilst we make every effort to remove the risk of infection, this is a hospital and there is a chance that infected blood or bodily fluids may be present. Also be aware that, since this is a walk-in center, we do get a lot of homeless men and drug addicts coming in to get out of the rain.”
It is clear that the nurse is doing everything in her power to dissuade this mother from trying to see a doctor.
Mother: “Whatever. Those infections probably aren’t as bad as the ones you can get from dog poop.”
Nurse: “Actually, blood and bodily fluids might be contaminated with any number of infections, including HIV.”
Mother: “Oh, don’t be silly.”
The woman and her daughter moved on to the waiting room and were sat there for approximately four and a half hours. The woman was told by the doctor to do exactly what the nurse had advised and left looking overly smug.
Not Quite What They Meant By “Immaculate Conception”
EMERGENCY ROOM, HEALTH & BODY, LGBTQ, MINNESOTA, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 26, 2020
I’ve been in the ER enough to know that there is no avoiding the “you’re a woman; you must be pregnant” song and dance, despite the multiple variables that stand in the way of me personally conceiving. I’ve started having fun with my answers.
Nurse: “Is there any chance you might be pregnant?”
Me: “Nope.”
Nurse: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Positive. Unless… babe, did your lack of penis knock me up again?”
Wife: “I’ve gotta stop doing that.”
On another occasion:
Nurse: “Is there any chance you might be pregnant?”
Me: “I’m on a few different birth controls, so I really hope not.”
Nurse: “What method of birth control do you use?”
Me: “An IUD and lesbianism. I really hope that second one still works.”
On one memorable occasion, the nurse replied, “Girl, me, too!”
Listen Well To This Painful Lesson!
HEALTH & BODY, HOME, MISSOURI, NON-DIALOGUE, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 25, 2020
Have you ever wondered why your doctor tells you not to shove things in your ears?
I know all of the conventional wisdom: no Q-tips, cotton balls, hairpins, etc. However, that doesn’t mean my ears don’t get occasionally itchy, and sometimes, you just have to scratch.
One night, I was lying in my bed, and I felt the irresistible urge to scratch an itch inside my ear. So, I did what any reasonable adult would do. I slid my pinkie in my ear, twisted it, and pulled it out, quick as you like.
It should be noted that I have notoriously tiny ears — ridiculously so — and that I’m used to feeling a little suction when I scratch my ear with my pinkie.
But this time was different.
This time, when my pinkie caught suction, it caught hard — so hard it created a vacuum inside my ear canal.
When my pinkie made it out of my ear, there was a loud POP and such pain that I immediately started to cry. It felt like someone had jabbed a screwdriver into my ear.
Within two hours, the pain had partially subsided, but my ear was hot and leaking clear pus. Sounds were muffled, and I couldn’t hear my own voice in my skull on that side of my head. So, I once more did what any reasonable adult would do and tried to sleep it off.
Fight the inevitable as I might, when I woke up the next morning, I knew I had to go to urgent care. The hearing loss had grown profound, my head was tilting to the left, and everything was muffled and uncomfortable.
The doctor looked in my ear for less than two seconds and gave me the bad news I’d been dreading, along with $500 in antibiotics. Healthcare in America is a b**** if you’re on a state-funded plan, and I was on vacation 2,000 miles outside the area my insurance would cover. Yay, America!
And that’s how I ruptured my eardrum by scratching an itch with my pinkie.
App-ly Your Brain To This Situation
AUSTRALIA, CURRENT EVENTS, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, STUPID | HEALTHY | AUGUST 24, 2020
I’m a receptionist checking in a patient.
Me: “Okay. Have you been tested for [widespread illness] in the last two weeks?”
Patient: “I have the app.”
I patiently waited for an answer. The patient just stared at me.
Make Sure You Stretch First
HEALTH & BODY, HOME, PENNSYLVANIA, SPOUSES & PARTNERS, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 23, 2020
I am old enough that I’ve gone through menopause. A few months ago, I had some bleeding, so my doctor wanted to do a biopsy. This was very uncomfortable, not because of the biopsy itself, but due to me having to be dilated. Having never had children, I’d never experienced the pain.
Today, I have a followup biopsy to make sure everything is still okay since the first one turned out okay.
I tell my husband that when I come home I’ll take one of my strong painkillers to help with the pain. The following exchange takes place.
Husband: “Why are you going to do that? They’re only taking a snip of tissue.”
Me: “It’s not the snip that hurts. It’s the dilation!”
The kicker is that he and his ex have two kids. It shouldn’t be a foreign concept to him!
But on the plus side, my mother-in-law who took me got me a pack of snack-size dark chocolate bars! That’s one of my favorite takeaways from “Harry Potter”: that chocolate makes everything better. And best of all, it’s scientifically proven.
This Patient Needs A Patience Refill
JERK, OREGON, PHARMACY, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 21, 2020
I’m at a drive-thru for my local pharmacy. There are two lanes: one for drop-off, one for pickup. I’m in the pickup lane when a lady pulls up to the drop-off lane. It’s currently Saturday afternoon.
Pharmacy Tech: “Good afternoon. Are you dropping off today?”
Lady: “Actually, I need to get a refill on a prescription. I’ve been unable to reach you guys by phone for a week and a half.”
Pharmacy Tech: “Okay, can I get your info?”
The information is passed and a minute or so passes.
Pharmacy Tech: “We do not have the prescription in stock, but we’ll have this filled for you by Monday afternoon.”
Lady: “I can’t wait that long! I need my prescription. Can you see if any other location has it?”
Pharmacy Tech: “Just a couple of minutes.”
A couple of minutes go by.
Pharmacy Tech: “The other pharmacies in this area also don’t have it; it’s not a common prescription. If you had called it in prior to now, we’d have it all ready for you.”
Lady: “This is unacceptable!”
Pharmacy Tech: “We didn’t know you needed a refill. We do have an automatic refill service.”
Lady: “I don’t like those automatic refill things.”
Pharmacy Tech: “If you needed the prescription today, you should have called it in a couple days ago, or you could have done it online.”
Lady: “I don’t have time for this. You should have my prescription ready. It’s not my fault I didn’t call for a refill.”
An Honest Doctor Is A Good Thing
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, FUNNY, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 19, 2020
I develop a hernia on vacation so I go to my urologist for help.
His Advice Is Neutral At Best
CANADA, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, LAZY/UNHELPFUL, MANITOBA, VET, WINNIPEG | HEALTHY | MAY 6, 2019
(We have had our cat, Fritz, since he was a tiny kitten, and he’s always seen the same vet. One day, when Fritz is around eight years old, he starts spraying urine against furniture instead of going in his box. Knowing that this could be a symptom of something serious – besides being annoying and gross – I promptly make an appointment for him to see his vet.)
Vet: “Well, we’ve examined his urine for crystals, and he doesn’t have any. That can mean only one thing.” *stares at me accusingly*
Me: *after an expectant pause* “Yes?”
Vet: “You need to get him neutered. Honestly, I don’t know why you haven’t done so yet. He’s eight years old; he should have been neutered years ago.”
Me: “But–”
Vet: “No, I’m serious. This sort of spraying activity is very common in an unneutered male, and–”
Me: “But he is neutered.”
Vet: “What?”
Me: “In fact, you’re the one who did it. We had it done right after we got him from the Humane Society. It should be in his file.”
Vet: *looks at the start of the file* “Oh.”
Me: “So, something else must be causing this behaviour, right?”
Vet: *still processing the fact that he was wrong about Fritz not being fixed* “Well… are there any new cats in the neighbourhood?”
Me: “Come to think of it, yes. Our neighbour across the back lane just got a new cat. Fritz sometimes sees him through the window and hisses at him.”
Vet: “Well, there you go.” *looks at me triumphantly*
Me: “Um, what do you mean?”
Vet: “Fritz is antagonized by that new cat. He’s spraying to assert his dominance in his own home.”
Me: “Okay, so… What do I do?”
Vet: “Do? There’s nothing you can do. Apart from moving, that is!” *laughs*
(Very helpful. I started looking for a new vet after that.)
Needs A Diagnosis That’s A Breath Of Fresh Air
HOUSTON, JERK, LAZY/UNHELPFUL, MEDICAL OFFICE, NURSES, TEXAS, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 6, 2019
(I’ve always had asthma, but I usually only have issues when exercising and breathing very cold air. However, I have an event where I can’t identify a trigger and the breathing problems last for a long time. I go to the emergency room, I am told it was a panic attack and I am sent home. When things don’t clear up, I go to the school clinic where they say it’s my asthma – not a spasm like I am used to, but inflammation – and give me medication. Things clear up. Then, less than a month later, I take an overseas trip. On the flight back I catch a fever and start having stomach issues. A few days later I have to switch out with my father when driving because I don’t feel like I can both drive and focus on breathing. Because it is only a little after New Year’s, my mom doesn’t think our GP can fit us in quickly enough, so we head to an emergency clinic. Our new insurance only allows us to go to one chain in the area, and it’s thirty minutes away. There isn’t a doctor available, so we confirm we are fine with seeing the head nurse. I’m used to journaling some aspects of my health due to things like adult-onset allergies, and have written specifics of the start and stop of the symptoms in a notebook, along with details from the other attack. Sometimes I also have difficulty speaking because I’m focusing on my breathing.)
Mom: “She’s been having trouble breathing. We were here a couple of days ago because she had a stomach bug.”
Nurse: “Can you describe when this started?”
Me: “Um, I noticed I had to focus to breathe. I was really aware of my breathing. It started last night, I guess? Um… I wrote it down, if it’s easier.”
(I hand her the notebook. She looks through it, but she looks skeptical.)
Nurse: “Okay, I know what’s going on here. Honey, you’re having a panic attack.”
Me: “I don’t think it’s a panic attack! It happened before around a month ago. I have asthma—“
Nurse: “The emergency guys thought that was a panic attack, too. Listen, I know you don’t want to hear this, but this is in your brain.”
(This sets me off for multiple reasons, one of which being that I DO have anxiety, but it is controlled and not the kind that results in panic attacks. Another reason is that I’ve been misdiagnosed with “stress pains” by my father’s urologist – checking for kidney stones – when we later found out I had some muscle issues in that area that were easily taken care of with physical therapy. I should also note my mother has been making some comments, but I can’t exactly remember them. She’s mostly worried.)
Me: “But the other doctor said it was asthma! I’ve had people dismiss things like this before. But when it was checked out by someone else they found something. I have anxiety, but I don’t get those! I don’t have this problem!”
Nurse: “So, you just keep going to doctors until they say what you want to hear. But I’m telling you, this is a panic attack. You said in your notes that talking is difficult, but you’re talking fine now. You seem fine. You just need to accept this. Maybe call your therapist or psychiatrist.”
(She ends the appointment. I am pretty hysterical once we return home. I have been well functioning for years and even though I don’t believe the nurse, she put the idea in my head that I wasn’t as well off as I thought. I should also note that my mom is of the generation that often writes things off as stress, and she seems to be taking the nurse’s side, or at least playing devil’s advocate, adding to my stress. I blubber to my mom and eventually my psychiatrist’s hotline. [Psychiatrist] quickly writes a prescription for anxiety, but is very firm in telling me that most of her patients don’t end up using it and that often having it in their possession helps. She also says that if I feel I need it to only take half and assess how I feel. Honestly, I don’t feel any different. Later, my mom apologizes that she helped upset me and calls our GP.)
Mom: “[Doctor] made an opening for you tomorrow… Guess what she said, though, when I told her everything that happened.”
Me: “What?”
Mom: “In her experience, asthmatics usually have panic attacks because they can’t f****** breathe.”
(My GP gave me a steroid inhaler and I started breathing better in a few days. I later went to my asthma and allergy doctor and found out that I have a new severe allergy to dust mites, something that aggravates asthma. F*** you, nurse.)
We Are Literally Off The Charts
BIZARRE, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HOSPITAL, USA, WISCONSIN | HEALTHY | MAY 6, 2019
(My father is experiencing severe vertigo, to the point where he can’t even crawl. We are in the ER waiting for his turn at the MRI. My dad is a large man with a beard. A doctor we don’t recognize walks into the room and stops short.)
Doctor: “Um…” *looks at his chart, then at Dad, then at my mom and me* “ Mrs. [Wrong Name]?”
Me: “I think you have the wrong room.”
Doctor: “I think you might be right; none of you look like you’re in labor right now.”
(We all laugh with him over his mistake and he leaves. Dad gets his MRI and is wheeled back in while we wait for the results. The same doctor comes in again.)
Doctor: “Let’s try this again, Mr. [Different Wrong Name]?”
Mom: “Nope.”
Doctor: “Nail through the foot?”
Me: “Wrong room again.”
Doctor: “D*** it. How…?”
(He checks the chart in his hands, then runs out and checks the room number.)
Doctor: “Somebody put the wrong room on the chart.”
(He runs off to find his patient. A while later, the ER doctors have run all the tests they can on Dad and still can’t find a cause. They’ve tentatively diagnosed him with a viral infection and have given him instructions for follow-up. Unfortunately, there is a multi-car pile-up and they suddenly get so busy they can’t spare anyone long enough to do the discharge paperwork. We do our best to stay out of the way. The same doctor comes in again, looks at his chart, then face-palms.)
Doctor: “Okay, none of you are a teenage girl with a broken pelvis! What the h***?!”
Mom: “We’re just such fun people that you’re making excuses to come hang out with us!”
Doctor: *laughing* “That must be it! Right!”
(I know he must have been frustrated, but I think he needed the comic relief as much as we did on that stressful night.)
The Family Tree Is Looking A Bit Sickly
BIZARRE, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, MEDICAL OFFICE, MINNESOTA, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 5, 2019
(I’ve got a new doctor and am giving them the rundown on my family history.)
Doctor: “I see on your form that you checked ‘yes’ to all the diseases we have listed. They all run in your family?”
Me: “Yes. I have a very large family and at least one of them has or had at least one of those diseases.”
Doctor: “Even [rare cancer]?”
Me: “Grandma died of it.”
Doctor: “Huh. Who in your family had [disease]?”
Me: “Two of my great aunts on my dad’s side, and my uncle on my mother’s side.”
Doctor: “And your family’s history of cancer… says ‘all’?”
Me: “Doctors never really believe me, but all the cancers you have listed there? Yeah, when I add up my mother’s side of the family and my father’s side, it’s all there.”
Doctor: *open-mouthed shock* “Wow.”
Me: “I get that reaction from doctors a lot.”
(For reference, my grandmother was one of nine kids, my other grandmother was one of eleven, and all of their kids had at least five kids. It’s a big family, and they’ve all had some kind of major medical issue in the past, and most of them work in the medical field. I just tell doctors to check everything when they ask what runs in the family. It saves time.)
Some People Just Can’t Stick Around
BAD BEHAVIOR, BLOOD DONATION, JERK, NURSES, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 4, 2019
(I’m a frequent blood donor. I have large, easy veins, don’t flinch or get queasy around blood or needles, and am known at the clinic, so I often get the least experienced workers. Sometimes the new, nervous ones aren’t the best, but I figure practice makes perfect, and their mistakes — like not being gentle or having a bad angle on the needle — don’t bother me. Usually.)
Tech: “Hi. I’m [Tech] and I’m going to be drawing your blood today.” *continues with the standard script and questions* “Have you donated blood with us before?”
Me: “A few dozen times; I’m here every eight weeks on the dot. How long have you been at [Clinic]?”
Tech: “Today is my first day!”
Me: “Well, congratulations! I’ll make your job really easy, then. I’m well hydrated and have nice, big veins for you.”
(The tech starts prepping the bag and needle, muttering the steps to herself. She somehow manages to poke herself with the needle.)
Tech: “Oh, shoot, I need to go and dispose of this and reglove.”
Me: “No worries. I’m in no rush. Take your time.”
(The tech comes back, looking slightly pale and panicked. I try to smile at her, but she just seems to be getting progressively more flustered. She tries to stick my vein and misses.)
Tech: “Oh, I’m so sorry. Can I try again?”
Me: *smiling again* “Of course, take a few deep breaths and try again.”
(The tech tries again. And again. Then, she drops the needle and has to get another other. The whole time, I’m trying to calm her down as she seems to be upset with herself.)
Me: “Now, I know I’m not officially trained, but I’ve had a lot of needles stuck in me. Slow down a bit. Breath deeply a few times. The vein is right there. You can do this.”
Tech: *mutters quietly but rapidly under her breath while getting paler*
(She tries to stick me three more times, somehow missing my vein every time. Her hands are shaking and she appears on the verge of tears.)
Me: “Hey, it’s okay. This is a tough job. Why don’t we call over one of the more experienced nurses?”
Tech: “No, no, no, I can do this. Really.”
(She proceeds to stick me five more times, at worse and worse angles. I’m slowly losing patience with her. She’s now trying to stick me with a needle that is practically perpendicular to my arm. She still hasn’t been able to actually hit my vein. What is usually a twenty-minute deal has taken almost an hour.)
Me: “Okay. Get a nurse now. They can help you out.”
Tech: “No!”
(She then rather aggressively jams the needle into my arm, hitting a nerve and nowhere near a vein. I swear like a sailor and rip the needle out of my arm.)
Me: “Listen up. I have been beyond patient here. Get me a d*** nurse. Now.”
Tech: “They’re all busy right now!”
Me: “Okay, fine. F*** it.”
(I then insert the needle into my own vein in one go. The tech looks stunned.)
Me: “Hook up the collection bag and then get me a nurse and get the h*** away from me.”
Tech: *in a shrill voice* “You can’t do that! You can’t! You can’t!”
(The head nurse hears the commotion and comes over.)
Nurse: “What is going on over here? [My Name], why are you still here? I checked you in an hour ago!”
Me: “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, [Nurse].”
Groundhog Dad
CALIFORNIA, HEALTH & BODY, HOSPITAL, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 3, 2019
(My boyfriend and I are woken up by a phone call at six am from his 15-year-old sister saying, “Something is wrong with Dad; you need to get to the hospital.” We live 100 miles away, so I tell my boyfriend to go now and I will pack a few things and meet him up there. When I get up there I find out he has hydrocephalus, or water on the brain, which is a fairly rare disorder that typically happens to infants and people over 60. My boyfriend’s father is 47. It causes fluid to build up and put pressure on the brain. They release the pressure by removing parts of his skull. The next day, a nurse is in with him and my boyfriend’s mom comes out to talk to us.)
Mom: “They think he’s going to be okay, but right now we either have to sit with him or they have to restrain him. Otherwise, he might hurt himself; he can’t remember what is going on. Can you go sit with him for a while? I need a break.”
(We agree and go in.)
Boyfriend: “Hi, Dad!”
Dad: “Hi… Where am I?”
Boyfriend: “You’re in the hospital; you’re going to be fine. You just got sick and the doctors are going to help you.”
Dad: “Well, that was mighty inconvenient of me.”
Boyfriend: *laughing* “Just a touch.”
(My boyfriend’s father’s head starts to dip and his eyes slide to the side and become unfocused. Then, his head comes back up and he sees us and smiles.)
Dad: “Hi, guys! What are you doing here? Wait. Where am I?”
Boyfriend: *trying not to cry* “Hi, Dad. You’re in the hospital; you’re going to be fine.”
Dad: *laughing* “Well, that was mighty inconvenient of me.”
(Then, his head starts to dip. My boyfriend and I look at each other, both of us trying not to cry.)
Dad: “Hi, guys! What are you doing here?”
(I step over to his bed and take his hand.)
Me: “Hi, Dad. You had a small accident you’re going to be fine.”
(We stayed with him for a couple of hours having the same conversation. I had seen short-term memory loss on TV but thought it was an exaggeration. It’s not. Thankfully, he really was, overall, okay.)
Talking Complete Bull-imia
CHILE, DENTIST, JERK, SANTIAGO | HEALTHY | MAY 3, 2019
(I have recently changed my dentist. I’m 30 and I have never had any cavities before, but I go to a consult since I notice something weird in two of my teeth. I suspect they are cavities but they don’t hurt or bother me at all, and I don’t know what cavities look like.)
Dentist: “You have four cavities! What a disaster!”
Me: “Well, it’s the first four in 30 years.”
Dentist: “This looks so bad! We need x-rays!”
Me: “I’d have come earlier but they didn’t hurt and they look very small, so it took me a while to notice them.”
Dentist: “Four cavities! This is insane! Are you bulimic?”
Me: “No.”
Dentist: “You sure? It clearly looks like bulimia.”
Me: “I’m not bulimic. I’m not alcohol abusive, either; I barely ever throw up.”
(The doctor doesn’t believe me, and sends me to do the x-rays. I come back to have the cavities fixed.)
Dentist: “Are you sure you don’t throw up? This amount of cavities is not normal!”
(By then, I feel filthy. I don’t throw up and I brush my teeth, but the big deal she is making makes it look like I am her worst case in years. She fixes my cavities, which are all very superficial, and I go home pretty worried and thinking about buying a different mouthwash, toothbrush, and toothpaste. My boyfriend is having some friends over and I tell them what happened.)
Friend: “Four in your life? I get four cavities removed every time I go to the dentist!”
Boyfriend: “You can’t see them because they are in the back of my mouth, but I’ve had several big fixes.”
(The following day, two of my four fixes fall out while I’m brushing my teeth. I go to have them re-fixed. The dentist keeps telling me to suck it up, still implying I have an eating disorder. The remaining two fall out within a month, but this time I go to a different professional. I’m already expecting to get yelled at for my poor dental condition.)
Eye Don’t Understand What’s Happening Here
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, JERK, KENTUCKY, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 3, 2019
(I wear contacts, and I’ve had problems seeing when using my contacts for a while now. It has finally gotten to the point where I can’t stand it and go to the eye doctor to get my prescription checked. A student does the actual exam and finds my new prescription, and I can already tell a difference. She leaves and the actual doctor comes in.)
Doctor: *takes a look at the paperwork the student completed* “Well, it looks like your prescription stayed the same, so you can just order some more of the same contacts.”
Me: *shocked* “Really? I’ve been having double vision and I can’t focus my eyes at a close range very well.”
Doctor: “Nope, it’s the same. Are you sure you’re having problems?”
Me: “Yes, I’ve also been getting headaches from straining my eyes to focus.”
Doctor: *repeats the exam TWICE to find my eye prescription* “Well, I found the same thing she did, which is a slight decrease in prescription in your right eye. This is very unusual since eyesight doesn’t normally get better with time, so I think your prescription should stay the same.”
(We go back and forth a few times; I keep insisting that I need a change. It’s very unusual for me to advocate for myself this much, but I really can’t take the eye strain anymore so I KNOW I can’t stay with the same prescription. He finally agrees to let me try the lower prescription on a trial and come back in two weeks to see how I like it. The trial contacts have to be ordered by the receptionist, and I notice the doctor go around and point to the screen and tell her to “order these instead,” but I don’t think anything of it. I go back in a week when they come in. The receptionist hands me the trial contacts and I have a look at the prescription number.)
Me: *confused and irritated look on my face*
Receptionist: “Is something wrong? You look confused.”
Me: “These are supposed to be trial contacts for a new prescription. Why are they the same as my current contacts?”
Receptionist: *takes the contacts back, looks at her computer and back at the contacts, and starts getting flustered* “Um, I don’t know. Let me look at this…”
(She eventually got a different doctor in the practice to come to look at my file. The other doctor took one look at my file, immediately went to get me the correct contacts — which DIDN’T have to be ordered — and told me to come back and see her instead of the first doctor. At my appointment with her, she told me that my prescription should actually be even lower than the first doctor prescribed. The only conclusion I can come up with is that the first doctor didn’t believe me and was trying to trick me into staying with the same prescription, twice! [Doctor], why was it so hard for you to believe I couldn’t see?!)
A Shot Of Humanity
AWESOME, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HOSPITAL, NURSES, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 2, 2019
(I have a serious phobia of needles due to a traumatic incident when I was a child, and because of this I always need someone present with me to cope with the situation. I am due to have very minor surgery on my arm, but I will need two needles during the operation. My boyfriend schedules off to go with me, but on the day of, he is called into work. I can’t cancel or I will incur a large fee, so I decide to tough it out and go. When I am called into the room, the nurse starts asking me questions, and I let her know that I have a phobia of needles. As soon as she leaves the room I enter into hysterics. I end up calling a friend, and he calms me down by the time the doctor returns with the nurse. They keep my friend on speaker, the nurse holds my hand, and they all keep me laughing so much I don’t have time to cry. These are just some of my favorite moments from the hour-long procedure.)
Doctor: “You’re telling me you’re getting birth control, but you’re afraid of a little prick?”
(Another moment…)
Friend: “You still alive over there?”
Me: “I sure hope so. Is everything going all right?”
Doctor: “Oh, you’ll know something’s wrong when you hear me walk out the door saying, ‘I am not dealing with that paperwork today.’”
(Another moment…)
Me: *to nurse* “Is it really bad?”
Nurse: “Don’t ask me, I’m not looking! Why do you think I need to hold your hand?!”
(Another moment…)
Me: “Thank you so much for being so nice to me. I know, as an adult, I should be able to handle this all by now. I know it’s not logical; I just work myself up and go into hysterics.”
Doctor: “And while you were in the room with me, you didn’t cry once. Sometimes it’s not your fault that you’re scared. Sometimes it’s the fault of the people around you for not knowing how to make you feel safe.”
(I can’t thank those three enough for not only making a terrible experience into a great memory, but for helping relieve some of the self-hatred I had due to my phobia. If I ever need a shot again, I know exactly where I want to go!)
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