Have A Heart, Use Your Brain

Piddle Me This
BAD BEHAVIOR, CONNECTICUT, PETS & ANIMALS, REVOLTING, USA, VET | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 9, 2019
(I work at a very busy veterinary hospital, and due to the volume of clients and the fact that we are near a highway, we have a “dogs on leashes, cats in carriers” rule to keep everyone safe. People often carry in small dogs, though, and today a woman sets her puppy down and lets it run around the lobby.)

Coworker: “Hi! I’m sorry, but could you please pick your puppy up? She’s very cute, but sometimes we get dogs in that don’t like other dogs.”

Woman: *scoffs* “I don’t let her run around. She had to pee, and it was either on me or on your floor.”

(Outside in the big grassy areas dividing the parking lot was, apparently, not an option. We get animals that piddle on the floor for a variety of reasons throughout the day, but I don’t think it’s ever been quite THIS intentional.)

Ovaries: The Biggest Threat To A Medical Degree
AUSTRALIA, BIGOTRY, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 8, 2019
(I am in a waiting room at the medical centre. A female doctor calls a man’s name.)

Male Patient: *to receptionist* “Hey, that’s a woman doctor!”

Receptionist: “Yes, and it’s her first day, so we’re letting her practice on you.”

Male Patient: “Hmph. I didn’t come here for no woman doctor.” *leaves*

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Bloodshot
HOSPITAL, NORTH CAROLINA, NURSES, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 7, 2019
(I’m pregnant with my daughter and at the hospital to have labor induced. The nurse is going over final checks and running down how the birthing is going to — ideally — go.)

Nurse: “We may need to give you a blood transfusion if you bleed too much. Let me explain the benefits–”

Me: “Approved. B+.”

Nurse: “Um… Okay… Sign this form.”

(We go through some other routine stuff and get to treating the baby after she’s born.)

Nurse: “It’s standard to give a Hep B and Vitamin K shot to the baby. You don’t have to, of course, but the benefits are…”

Me: “Do it. All the shots.”

Nurse: “Oh, thank God!”

(She caught herself and apologized for her breach of bedside manner. We have a few religious sects in the area that are anti-transfusion and anti-vax, so I can imagine the pushback she got day-to-day. I laughed and explained that we are a “science” family and the awkwardness melted away. The rest of the checks and forms were done relatively quickly now that the nurse knew she didn’t have to sell me on everything. The birth went mostly smoothly and my daughter is now a healthy fifteen-month-old.)

Happens All The Bloody Time
BLOOD DONATION, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HEALTH & BODY, USA, WASHINGTON | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 5, 2019
(I donate blood about every two months, provided that I’m healthy enough to do so. One thing the blood bank screens for is anemia: my hematocrit has to be 38 or higher to donate and not become anemic from it. Hematocrit in the low 30s is anemic; around mid-20s you’d probably need a transfusion yourself. But some time in the last eight weeks, the blood bank switched to testing hemoglobin instead, the minimum donation number for which is 12.5. I didn’t know it was a new test.)

Phlebotomist: “Okay, your temperature, blood pressure, and pulse look good. Let’s test your iron.” *pricks my finger, takes a few drops of blood, and puts them in the tester* “You’re testing at 12.6.”

Me: “My hematocrit is 12.6? Should I go to the hospital?”

Phlebotomist: “What? Why? Oh! No, your hemoglobin is 12.6, which for our purposes is equivalent to a 39 hematocrit. You’re fine to donate. If you had a 12.6 hematocrit, you’d be unconscious at least. I’d be calling an ambulance… or a hearse.”

They’ll Be Tongue-Wagging About This For A While
DENTIST, PATIENTS, SILLY, USA | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 3, 2019
(It’s my first visit to the dentist in over ten years, and I tell the doctor that. What she doesn’t know is that I’m very nervous. The last time I was at a dentist, I was 15 and the doctor didn’t put in any anesthesia and drilled into my tooth. It was excruciating and I was crying a lot, and he didn’t seem to care. In fact, he seemed used to crying in his office. Anyway, I decide to bite the bullet and go for a checkup with a woman doctor, hoping she’ll be more sensitive. She finds three cavities, much to my dismay. She actually uses novocaine, and my gum is all properly numbed. However, I suffer from anxiety, so when she’s drilling my tooth, I can’t help but picture her slipping and drilling into my TONGUE, instead. This gives my tongue a mind of its own. It starts trying to escape, wiggling all about, trying to pull itself free and out! I can feel it moving, but the harder I try to stop it — since I don’t want to weird her out — the more it tries. Finally, she stops.)

Doctor: “You don’t have to wiggle your tongue around that much you know. Just try to keep it still.”

Me: “Sorry. I’ll try.”

(And I did, but I could still feel it moving. Finally, she was done and I zipped out of there to pay. I could tell she was relieved, too, and probably told her husband about my crazy tongue!)

A Sick Fantasy
AUSTRALIA, CHILDREN, COWORKERS, DAYCARE, NEW SOUTH WALES, REVOLTING | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 1, 2019
(I work in a childcare centre. Every ten minutes we have to check on the sleeping children in the nursery to make sure they are still alive and breathing. A coworker who is quiet, sweet, and very unsure of herself does the check and comes out of one of the cot rooms to say

Coworker: “[Child] has thrown up a little.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Do you want to clean it up, or do the washing up I was about to do and let me clean it up?”

Coworker: “Ah, I’d like to do the washing up if you don’t mind.”

Me: “Sure thing.”

(I go grab what I will need –gloves, washcloths, bag for clothes, etc. — and walk into the room. The child has projectile vomited in her sleep; it is EVERYWHERE and the child is still asleep. The sheets need to be thrown out, the cot has to be disinfected, and the child needs a bath — it is in her hair and in her socks. I walk up to that coworker later.)

Me: “Um, [Coworker]…”

Coworker: “Yes?”

Me: “You led me down a bit of a fantasy there by saying it was a little bit of vomit.”

(She and the other coworkers in the staff room lost it with laughter.)

Infarction Infraction
AMUSEMENT PARK, BAD BEHAVIOR, FLORIDA, NURSES, ORLANDO, STRANGERS, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 29, 2019
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I am on vacation with my family, and my fianceé and I have gone to one of several theme parks in the area. I have a medical condition that can cause severe heart palpitations, which can cause me to lose consciousness for a few minutes. We are standing in line for a ride when I begin to feel off; I know I’m about to have a bad episode and I tell my fianceé that I need to sit down. She understands and helps me get out of line, but we don’t make it far before I lose consciousness. As I am taller than she is — I’m 6’4” and she is 5’3” — she is unable to help me once I’m out and I fall to the ground. I wake up a few minutes later to the sound of my fianceé arguing with someone I don’t know.)

Fiancé: “Stop touching him like that! He doesn’t need CPR!”

Woman: “Of course he does! I’m a nurse and I know what a heart attack looks like!”

Me: *still very dazed* “What’s going on?”

(As I try to sit up, I’m forced back down onto the concrete.)

Fiancé: “Enough! Heart palpitations and heart attacks may look similar but they aren’t! If he was having a heart attack, he’d have the classic symptoms! He passed out because he has [specific medical condition]! Look at his medical alert bracelet, for f***’s sake!”

Woman: “People who have [specific medical condition] usually have an alert dog, and he doesn’t. Now let someone with actual medical training work!” *turns to me* “Now, son, you’re having a heart attack. I need you to calm your breathing down and–”

(By now, I’ve regained consciousness enough to know what is going on. I am still dazed, as I usually am after an episode, but I know this woman is full of it.)

Me: *sits up slowly, glaring at the woman before raising my medical alert bracelet* “I have [specific medical condition]. We are on holiday and I couldn’t bring my alert dog with me because she didn’t get her shots in time. Now, if you would kindly f*** off, all I want is some water and ice because I smacked my head when I fell.”

Woman: “How dare you speak to me like that?! I know what’s best for you! I’m a nurse!”

Me: “With all respect, kindly go f*** yourself. Any nurse would know the difference between palpitations and an infarction. I don’t know who you are, but if you try to do anything to me, I’m getting someone to call security and I’ll press charges.”

(The woman proceeded to yell, “I’m a nurse! I know what I’m doing!” and continued to scold my fianceé and me for “lying.” Security was called — by pro staff — and she was escorted away.)

Anti-Vaxxers Aren’t The Only Stupid Ones
BELGIUM, COWORKERS, HEALTH & BODY, NON-DIALOGUE, OFFICE, REVOLTING, STUPID | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 25, 2019
I worked in a building catering to various businesses at the time and we were informed that a few people within the building had recently come down with hepatitis and we should pay extra attention to hygiene. I’m usually a bit casual about it but I took this one seriously. I don’t remember the type, but it was one that you could get vaccinated for.

One day, I noticed that we were out of soap but my concern was laughed at. The next day, I saw a coworker leaving the toilets without washing her hands. I confronted her. I was flabbergasted when she replied, “Oh, no. It is not a problem; I’m vaccinated.”‘

I know she just resigned to go work in a café, and for health and safety, those vaccines are mandatory. I just checked which café it was again — not out of interest, but just to make sure I don’t wander into it by accident.

You Were “Right” All Along
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, PENNSYLVANIA, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 25, 2019
(Due to a rather small face, my sinuses do not drain well. Because of this, I’ve had ear infections plague me since childhood; I’m very familiar with how it feels when I have one. I almost always get an infection in one ear when I get a cold. Lo and behold, I end up with a cold right before New Year’s. New Year’s Day, I wake up with the usual pain, congested ear, and muffled hearing and know right away it’s an ear infection. Since it’s the holiday, I head to an urgent care office that I’ve been to before. Once I’m in with the doctor, the following conversation takes place. Note: I’m 26.)

Doctor: “So, I hear you’re not feeling well today. What’s going on?”

Me: “I have an ear infection in my right ear.”

(Hindsight: I could’ve been more forthcoming initially with symptoms, and I do so when she looks at me like I’ve sprouted a second head.)

Me: “I’ve got pain in my right ear, muffled hearing, and a sense of clogging. I usually get them when I have a cold, which I have.”

Doctor: *still unsure* “Well, let’s go ahead and check your ears. Sometimes, you can get fluid behind the eardrums that causes that congested kind of feeling, since adults don’t get ear infections.”

(I blink, but nod, knowing it’s an ear infection. I let her check my left ear, which she gives the all-clear on. As she looks into my right ear, however, she gasps loudly and puts a hand on my shoulder in surprise.)

Doctor: “Oh, my, you have an ear infection! But adults don’t get ear infections. I don’t know… How did this happen?”

Me: “I have small sinus cavities and terrible drainage. It does happen.”

(She had to look in both of my ears again before she would even consider giving me a prescription to help clear it up. I never saw her there again, but I haven’t been back in a long time. It always scares me when people — let alone doctors — think they know our bodies better than we do, but to think adults suddenly don’t get ear infections? I wish!)

Oh, My Sweet Summer Child
ELEMENTARY/PRIMARY SCHOOL, HEALTH & BODY, STUDENTS, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 23, 2019
(At the school where I teach, the cafeteria staff has gotten a grant to provide fresh fruit and vegetables to all students two afternoons per week; on this day, the snack is Honeycrisp apples.)

Student: “Are these sweet?”

Me: “Yes; Honeycrisp are really sweet, especially compared to other apples.”

Student: “Well, I’m on a diet and my mom says I’m not supposed to have sugar or sweets.”

Me: “Well, apples are sweet because they’re naturally sweet, not because there’s any sugar added.”

Student: “Yeah, but I’m not supposed to have any sweets. I’ll have something healthier, like chips.”

Only Thing That Dog Did To A Stick Was Fetch It
BIZARRE, EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, PETS & ANIMALS, SCOTLAND, STUPID, UK, VET | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 23, 2019
Caller: “My dog is pregnant!”

Me: “Ah, would you like to make an appointment to confirm?”

Caller: “Confirm? I already confirmed!”

Me: “Oh, I see. So, a follow-up appointment. Could I have your dog’s name, please?” *takes details* “I don’t see anything in her records about her pregnancy. Did you have her tested at another vet?”

Caller: “No, we’ve only ever gone to you.”

Me: “Then I would advise one of our team examine her to confirm.”

Caller: “I just told you. I’ve already confirmed. I peed on the stick and everything.”

Me: “Sorry? You used a human pregnancy test on your dog?

Caller: *huffs* “No, I put [Dog] on my stomach like you told me to, and peed on the pregnancy test I got from the pharmacy. It was positive.”

Me: “…”

Caller: “Hello?”

Me: “Sorry, umm, we wouldn’t advise that as a means of determining your dog’s pregnancy. You should come into the vet where we can test her. And I would probably advise you go to the doctor and have yourself checked.”

Caller: “Are you saying I’m crazy?”

Me: “No, I’m saying you might be pregnant.”

Caller: “Oh.”

(We make an appointment, although I’m doubtful the dog is actually pregnant.)

Me: “Before you go, could I just ask where you got this pregnancy test idea? You said we may have advised it?”

Caller: “Not you specifically. A vet on Reddit told me about it.” *hangs up*

(I was working reception when she had her appointment. I asked if she had been to the doctor, to which she went on an elaborate story about seeking a holistic abortion centre — something else she read about online. The vet who examined the dog confirmed she wasn’t pregnant, and told me after the woman had left that she had never met anyone so out of touch with reality.)

You Can’t Insure Against Evil
BAD BEHAVIOR, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, PENNSYLVANIA, PHARMACY, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 22, 2019
(A young woman pulls up to the drive-thru pharmacy to pick up Ritalin for her son, who is sitting in the backseat. The medication isn’t ready so I check the system and see that the insurance isn’t covering it. A reason is usually provided, but not in this case.)

Evil Mom: “That makes no sense. We always get it filled here and there’s never a problem. The insurance covers everything.” *classic line with pharmacy customers who think insurance is magic and has no limitations*

Me: “I understand. But I just tried to run it through the insurance and they rejected it without giving a reason why. Would you be able to call them?”

Evil Mom: “Okay, I’ll call right now.” *looks at her insurance cards angrily* “So, what’s the number?”

Me: *confused why she thinks I know the number off the top of my head* “There should be a customer service number on the back of the card.”

Evil Mom: *still angry* “Member services?”

Me: “Yes.”

(She calls and remains sitting in the single-lane driveway, blocking a line of cars with no regard for the other people who came for their medications.)

Me: “Could you pull around the store to make the call?”

Evil Mom: “I’m not leaving this spot until I get my son’s meds.”

(The pharmacist comes over.)

Pharmacist: *friendly* “I’m sorry, but would you be able to—”

Evil Mom: *without looking at us* “I’m not leaving.” *rolls the window up in our faces*

(The pharmacist curses under her breath and leaves to help other customers. The mom reaches someone from the insurance company and puts the window back down. For fifteen minutes, I listen to her scream at the representative. The whole store can hear her through the drive-thru dropping profuse F-bombs and bullying the rep. Her son is fidgeting in the back seat, but sadly, he doesn’t look surprised by this behavior.)

Evil Mom: “Why isn’t my son’s medication covered? You are supposed to cover it and he needs this! What is your name? Okay. And what is your last name? ‘L’ is your last name? Wow. That’s a weird last name. Then give me your employee number. What do you mean, you don’t have numbers? So, how does your company have you on file? Give me your information. You know what? Nevermind. I want to speak to a manager. Now.”

(A car behind her honks.)

Other Customer: *shouting forward* “What’s going on? It’s been almost half an hour! Just go inside!”

Evil Mom: *shouting back* “SHUT THE F*** UP!”

(Eventually, the cars behind her begin leaving the line. None of them come inside the store. Mom, still on the phone, throws a discount prescription card and her welfare card at me and looks expectant. I return a blank look.)

Evil Mom: *pleasant voice* “I’m waiting for you.”

Me: *confused as to what she expects me to do, since the insurance issue has not been resolved* “Did they put the claim through? If so, I can try to re-run it.”

Evil Mom: *arrogantly* “Just run the cards and give me the medication. I’m going to pay the same amount as I did last time. Use the cards I just gave you and give me his pills.”

Me: “It still has to go through the insurance first.”

(The mom continues screaming obscenities simultaneously at the phone and now at me. The pharmacist comes over again and takes charge of the situation.)

Pharmacist: “You need to stop talking like that to our staff. You’re cursing and insulting us. We don’t need that. In the future, I think you need to use a different pharmacy.”

Evil Mom: *in a weirdly amused way* “Who are you even? I didn’t ask you anything.”

(The pharmacist and I are fed up. I look back and see that the store manager has been listening to everything in the background. The pharmacist tries to run the medication through the insurance again but the rejection is still coming up.)

Pharmacist: “The insurance is still not going through. We’ve done what we can. The cash price is $130 and we can fill it for you.”

(The mom sped away in a flash without another word. We were surprised she didn’t curse us out one more time. We anticipate that she has already called corporate to tell them we are horrible people preventing her from getting her son’s medication. The store manager who overheard said she will vouch for us. If that evil mom knew how to be patient and work with people, there is a chance she could have gotten her son’s medication filled. I feel really bad for that kid.)

The Many Signs Of Politeness
DENTIST, MICHIGAN, PATIENTS, SILLY, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 19, 2019
(I’m sixteen when I get all four of my wisdom teeth out at once. I’m understandably a little fuzzy and in pain after the procedure, but overall surprisingly lucid. I tend to be painfully polite, and since I can’t speak with the gauze in my mouth, I clumsily sign, “Thank you,” the only thing I know how to say in basic sign language, to the nurses helping me to the recovery area. A few weeks later, I’m discussing the aftermath of the procedure with my parents.)

Mom: “Do you realize how many times you said, ‘Thank you,’ to the nurses?”

Me: “I wanted to be polite! They did a good job!”

Mom: “You were thanking them every two seconds!”

(Good to know I’m polite even when I’m high on anesthesia.)

Breathe Easy: This One Has A Happy Ending
COLORADO, LAZY/UNHELPFUL, PETS & ANIMALS, USA, VET | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 16, 2019
(My dog has developed a swollen face, is vomiting, and is not her usual, rambunctious self, but not lethargic. Although I’ve had dogs most of my life, I’ve never had a dog with such symptoms. It’s late in the day, just before they are due to close, but I call my veterinarian’s office for advice. She had a Bordetella vaccine just a few days ago so I think it might be related and mention that. After I explained the symptoms and asked about any relation to the vaccine

Receptionist: “I don’t think it’s related to the vaccine, but let me check.” *a few moments of silence* “No, the vet doesn’t think such an allergic reaction would happen at this point. It’s been three days and any adverse effects generally are seen with the first few hours, not longer than 48. Besides, the Bordetella vaccine doesn’t cause anything like what you’re describing. If you’re concerned, I can fit you in at the next available appointment. How about Tuesday at 10:00 am?”

(I’m calling on a Thursday.)

Me: “Um, did you say allergic reaction? Do you really think I should wait almost a week to have something like that checked? By then, I’m sure she would be already recovered or dead! Maybe I should take her to the emergency vet?”

Receptionist: “Well, the face swelling usually means the pet is on the way to recovery from whatever set it off, but yes, possibly an allergic reaction. If it makes you feel better, we can see her at 8:00 am tomorrow, but leave us a voicemail to let us know tonight or first thing in the morning if you won’t be coming. She should be fine.”

Me: “And if it gets worse, I’ll take her to the emergency vet; either way, I’ll let the office know if I don’t need that appointment.”

(My dog did appear to be improving, with the swelling decreasing. She stopped vomiting and started acting more energetic, but I didn’t call to cancel that appointment. Close to midnight, she started almost frantically pacing, madly shaking her head every couple of minutes — maybe something in her ear? — and couldn’t get comfortable to sleep. She generally sleeps on her own blanket at my feet on the bed but finally, about two am, she settled down wrapped around my head, laying on my pillow with her head on mine, her nose next to my ear. Soon, her breathing became soft and her usual light snoring started, and I dozed off myself. I was suddenly jolted awake a few minutes after four am and I quickly realized that, even though her nose was next to my ear, I couldn’t hear her breathing! I quickly sat up and turned to check on her. She was not only not breathing, but she was totally limp like a rag, no muscle tone at all, and she felt somewhat cold to the touch. I quickly moved her to an accessible position and started chest compressions, with no response, and I started bawling, calling her name, and berating myself for not taking her to the emergency vet. That woke my husband up and he, too, acknowledged that she appeared to be gone. He reached out to touch and caress her limp body and pretty much instinctively, I think, also squeezed her chest. And her head moved, very slightly. Imagination? Wishful thinking? No, it moved again and she started breathing again! It took several minutes but she recovered enough to pull herself to her blanket and she almost immediately fell asleep, gently snoring. She slept; we didn’t. I kept that appointment, but by then she was not showing any remaining symptoms at all, except for a bit of residual swelling. After questioning why we hadn’t given her any Benadryl –I wasn’t instructed to and didn’t know to do so — the vet explained that the head shaking was because the swelling makes the ears “not feel right,” that her ears were then perfectly clear and her temperature and color normal. I’m not sure the vet believed what had happened earlier, but he noted it all in her file. My pup was given injections of Benadryl and steroids to fight off any remaining toxins, but didn’t have any further issues. We still have no idea what caused such a dramatic allergic reaction, but it’s suspected to be a bug or spider bite from the back yard. Now, we keep Benadryl in the medicine cabinet and have instructions that if she begins to show any similar symptoms, no matter how slight, we are to give her half of a tablet and take her to the emergency vet immediately. And one veterinary receptionist is probably in a heap of trouble for his casual reaction to my very real concerns.)

LOL-ly
AUSTRALIA, AWESOME, GRANDPARENTS, HOSPITAL, INSPIRATIONAL, NEW SOUTH WALES, NON-DIALOGUE, NURSES, PATIENTS, SYDNEY | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 13, 2019
Late at night, my grandfather calls me to say my grandmother is having an “episode” and needs me. I hurry over, take one look at her, and call an ambulance; we escort her to the hospital.

My grandmother has become increasingly anxious about getting older and sicker and is visibly shaking and getting upset at the sudden onset of people around her taking blood, canulating, running ECGs, etc. The primary nurse has been professional, but far from warm or personable. My grandmother and I are nurses ourselves — well, Grandma was, years ago — so we totally understand that that happens sometimes.

My grandmother is given a cup of disgusting potassium liquid to drink, which she does quickly, but, in an effort to try and cheer herself up, she says, “Ugh! Wah wah wah! I want a lolly after that!”

The primary nurse disappears out of the room for a minute and returns… holding a rainbow lollipop, which she unwraps and presents to Grandma. She says, still in her serious voice, “That’s for being a brave girl,” and then heads out of the room again.

Grandma was so chuffed she talked about that little gesture for her remaining years.

A Sample Of The Local Community
MEDICAL OFFICE, NON-DIALOGUE, OKLAHOMA, REVOLTING, TULSA, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 9, 2019
My doctor wrote up an order for some blood work. On my way in, I passed a mailbox mounted to the wall outside.

It can’t be confused with anything but a mailbox. It even has a little red flag to raise for outgoing mail.

The nurse who drew my blood told me that the mail carrier just walked inside and delivered the mail. The box was unused. Then, one day someone suspected that things were being put in the box. There was no key. It had to be forced open.

Yup.

People were using it for a specimen dropbox. Blood, urine, and stool samples in whatever jar someone felt like putting them in had been put in a black metal box in full Oklahoma summer heat — normally over 100F. Anyone besides me thinking, “How many people tried to tear off the sign and rip away the tape to insert some new sample?”

One Man’s Meat Is Another Man’s Poison
COWORKERS, EMPLOYEES, HEALTH & BODY, MARYLAND, RETAIL, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 6, 2019
(I work at a store with around 80 to 100 total employees. In the last few months, there have been a surprising number of people missing work due to food poisoning, about 20 times in the last three or four months. Emails have been going around, with some people complaining, some passive-aggressively implying people are making it up or blowing it out of proportion, and a few of us trying to actually make lists of restaurants in the area workers might go out to eat, or where they shopped, to see trends. We get a lot of people in the store, even if they have not had food poisoning, to describe their lunch habits. Still, even with the information, nothing really seems to add up. Some of the people usually get lunch at the restaurants nearby, but none of the restaurants seem more likely than others. Sometimes it was pizza, sometimes it was people bringing leftovers that had been fine the day before, sometimes they had eaten out, sometimes they had not. None of it seems to make a lot of sense. Today, I am in our break room for lunch when I see a coworker putting a few chicken wings on a napkin into one of the two microwaves. After a moment, something clicks in my head and I look back at the microwave with chicken inside.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], are you cooking chicken?”

Coworker: “Yeah! [Grocery Store] sells bags of frozen wings. They make a good lunch.”

Me: “Are they precooked?”

Coworker: “No, you have to cook them. Our microwave takes forever, though.”

Me: “Okay, so, you cook the frozen wings in the microwave?”

Coworker: “Just put them in the refrigerator in the morning and they defrost by lunchtime.”

Me: “Okay, gotcha.”

(Throughout the conversation, I don’t think my coworker picks up on my disbelief, so I just sit down and watch him as he plays on his phone, occasionally checking the chicken. At the end, the napkin the wings are on is clearly soggy with something, so he grabs another paper towel and wipes off the glass tray in the microwave, then wipes off the counter where there are a few drips. He then sets the napkin down on one of the tables and eats from it. We have paper plates on hand, but he just has the wings on a napkin. Once he finishes, he throws out the bones and gets another napkin to wipe off the damp spot left on the table under his napkin, throws it out, and goes back to the sales floor.)

Me: *on a walkie-talkie* “Hey, [Manager], could you meet me in the break room, please? I might have found the cause of the recent food issues.”

(The manager gave him a talking-to, but he genuinely did not seem to understand why what he was doing was a huge health risk. We heavily sanitized the break room with bleach, and here’s hoping the food poisoning issues are done with.)

Squeezing Them To See Things Your Way
IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, USA, WASHINGTON | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 2, 2019
(I’m on the phone with someone who is trying to schedule an appointment they describe as urgent.)

Me: “We’re booked solid until next Friday but I can squeeze you in. It’d just be a shorter appointment.”

Patient: “What? Why?”

Me: “Because we’re full and that’s the only way I could possibly fit you in, I’m afraid.”

Patient: “That’s completely unacceptable! I don’t want to be squeezed in! I need a full appointment! Book me for your soonest appointment right now!”

Me: “Okay. Then the first day we can see you is [date two weeks from now]. Would noon work for you?”

Patient: *pause* “What does being squeezed in mean?”

You Said It, Doc!
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 31, 2019
(I have had some severe abdominal pain recently. My primary doc is unable to figure out what is going on so I am referred to a specialist. This is my first interaction with the specialist

Doctor: “So, who did you see before coming to me?”

Me: “My general practitioner.”

Doctor: “Your GP?” *he scoffs* “What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?”

Me: “He told me to come and see you.”

Doctor: *nervously shifts in his chair and coughs*

Needs Treatment Not Treats
EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, PET STORE, PETS & ANIMALS, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 30, 2019
(After a long day of dealing with people who are seemingly too stupid to read price tags, I am ready to go home. My manager has come over to tell me to turn off my light and go home. As I am leaving my register, a woman I’ve seen many times comes up.)

Woman: “Oh, sweetheart, I know you’re leaving but could you please help me? I’ll be quick. It’s just one question.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I–”

Manager: “[My Name] is one of our most knowledgeable employees. She’ll be happy to help you.” *leaves*

Me: *sigh* “How can I help you?”

Woman: “Well, you see, my dog…”

(She tells me her twelve-year-old dog’s life story, ending in his inability to poop for four days.)

Woman: “So, I was wondering which of these treats would be better for him?”

Me: “Take him to the vet.”

Woman: “What?”

Me: “Take him to the vet.”

Woman: “But that’s expensive!”

Me: “Medical bills are expensive. He needs professional help.”

Woman: “You’re supposed to be the professional help! This is ridiculous! Without customers, you wouldn’t have a paycheck. Do you know that? People like me keep you employed!”

Me: “I make $9 an hour. How professional do you think my help is going to be?”

Woman: “Well, that’s not my problem.”

Me: “You refusing to spend money on your dog is not my problem, either.”

Woman: “You’re quite rude!”

Me: “Your other option is to stick your finger up your dog’s a** and dig out the s*** yourself.”

(I feel a little guilty about the last part, but I am over my time and ready to go home, so I walk away and clock out. When I leave the break room, my manager is standing at the front with the woman, who is obviously complaining about me.)

Woman: “…and you should fire her!”

Manager: “I can’t.”

Woman: “What?! Why not?”

Manager: “Today was her last day.”

(The woman sputtered a few nonsensical words before leaving. I can only hope she took my advice and took her dog to the vet. I understand that vet bills are expensive but that’s part of the deal when you’re in charge of another life.)

They’re Not Out Of The Woods Yet
HOSPITAL, OHIO, PATIENTS, RELIGION, SILLY, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 29, 2019
(We’re in the waiting room during our adult son’s brain surgery. A family sits near us and I hear

Family: “He’s in Jesus’s hands now.”

(I lean over to my son’s girlfriend and say

Me: “They sent a carpenter in to do a surgeon’s job.”