If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again, Part 7
COFFEE SHOP, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, JERK, UK | RIGHT | JULY 26, 2020
I work as a cafe barista on a UK campus. One morning, a customer who is infamous among the staff for being rude comes by and orders a latte. The transaction goes on normally, and she waits for her drink while I prepare it. When she collects her drink, she decides to add syrup to it.
Customer: “I want to add chai syrup to my drink.”
Me: “Sure thing, I just need to put the request through the till.”
Customer: “Okay, no problem; I can pay. How much is it?”
Me: “That will be 50p.”
Customer: “How much?”
Me: “50 pence.”
Customer: “No, I want four extra pumps of chai syrup. How much is that?”
Me: *In bewilderment* “It will cost you 50 pence.”
Customer: “No, I come here all the time! One, two, three, four! Do you understand?!”
I reply in a raised voice but trying my best not to shout.
Me: “Yeah, it’s gonna cost 50p!”
This goes on for a while. Luckily, it’s a quiet morning so there aren’t any other customers around. Finally, she takes out her card and asks one last time.
Customer: “Fine, I just want my drink! How much is it?!”
Me: *Pause* “It’s 50p.”
I add the syrup and give her the drink. By this time, my colleague has heard the commotion and arrived to hear her parting shot.
Customer: “You don’t speak English, by any chance?”
After the customer has left:
Colleague: “How did you not hit her?!”
I am not from the UK and don’t have a local accent, but English is my native language and I haven’t had a single problem communicating with anybody while in the UK. The customer is also not local, most probably from an Eastern European country based on her accent.
If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again, Part 6
COFFEE SHOP, EMPLOYEES, MISSOURI, STUPID, USA | WORKING | MAY 23, 2018
(My husband and I stop at a drive-thru coffee shop for drinks. I don’t drink coffee, but I love this shop’s chai lattes, so I ask for one.)
Husband: “Can we have a medium, decaf, chai vanilla latte and a small peppermint mocha?”
Worker: “Sure! That will be [price] at the window!”
(We pull forward, pay, get our drinks, and pull off. I take my first sip and taste nothing but coffee.)
Me: “This has coffee in it.”
Husband: “What? I’m sorry. Why would they put coffee in it?”
Me: “Maybe because you said, ‘latte’? I mean, that’s what it’s called, but maybe that confused her?”
(We drive back through and pull up to the window.)
Worker: *looking confused* “Can I help you?”
Me: “There was coffee in my chai.”
Worker: “Yeah. You asked for a decaf chai. Decaf means coffee, so I thought you wanted decaf espresso in it.”
Me: “No… I hate coffee. Chai is black tea which has caffeine, so I just wanted that decaf.”
Worker: “So… that’s just regular chai.”
Me: “Yes, but without caffeine?”
Worker: *still seeming confused* “So… just a regular chai?”
Me: *giving up* “Please just give me a vanilla chai, no coffee.”
(To her credit, she did upgrade me to a large, and there was no coffee in my second order. But how do you work at a coffee shop and not know that tea has caffeine?)
If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again, Part 5
COFFEE SHOP | WORKING | APRIL 28, 2016
(I live in an area where tiny, locally owned coffee shacks are incredibly common. Darn near every establishment has one in their parking lot or built into their business one way or another. Unfortunately, this does not guarantee that whatever barista you’re ordering from knows what they are doing, so I’ve learned to ask what more experienced coffee buyers would consider no-brainer questions. Sometimes I’m still painfully disappointed. This particular shop is part of a flower shop that also hosts the weekly farmer’s market, and I stop in to get drinks while at the market to reduce my number of stops that afternoon.)
Me: “Okay, we’ll do a small hot chocolate, but for a kid so not so hot. A large quad mocha. And I see you have chai, is that in a latte or black?”
Barista: “Oh, no, sweetie. Chai is actually a kind of tea and doesn’t have coffee in it!”
Me: *taken aback slightly because while I’m not old, I’m definitely not young enough to be called “sweetie” by the early 20s barista* “I know it’s tea. I just want to know if you serve it in a latte or black?”
Barista: “I don’t get it. Are you wanting me to add a shot of coffee and make it a latte?”
Me: *confused, starting to catch on to where this is going* “Latte means it has milk in it…”
Barista: *suddenly extremely condescending* “No, it means COFFEE. Like a mocha latte is a coffee drink.”
Me: “Actually latte comes from same root word as lactose. It means it’s a drink with milk in it.”
Barista: “Well I don’t know how to tell you this, but latte means it’s a coffee drink. But, yes, our chai comes with milk in it, and I can add coffee if that’s what you want, but it’s 70 cents per shot…”
Me: *finally snapping after having a bad day, I turn and start toward the door while trying to remain as cold as possible* “You know what? I changed my mind about getting my coffee here. I’ll just go now.”
Barista: *sarcastically* “Wait! Don’t go! I was learning SO much from you!”
(While I heard she didn’t last long, I haven’t had the heart to go back there even for flowers after that exchange.)
If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again, Part 4
COFFEE SHOP, COLLEGE & UNIVERSITY | WORKING | MARCH 22, 2016
(There is a coffee shop on campus, and I often go for tea to keep me awake in class. Since most of the staff are students, there seems to be somebody new every couple weeks. I order a large iced soy chai, but when it’s called the drink is barely off-white. I take a sip, and there is just the faintest hint of tea.)
Me: “Uh, excuse me, but I don’t think you put enough chai in this. It’s usually a lot darker.”
Barista: “Oh, that’s the soy milk. It’s white, so the drink turns out white, too.”
Me: “How much chai did you put in this? I always get it with soy but it’s never been anywhere close to this light.”
Barista: “I just learned this one, and the instructions say to put one pump in the cup, and that is what I did!”
Me: “It’s a twenty-ounce drink. One pump may be enough for a small, but—”
(She snatches the drink off the counter, tips about an inch down the sink, and adds just a little more chai concentrate.)
Barista: *very condescending* “There, sweetie, I added an extra pump just for you. Y’all have a blessed day now, you hear?”
(In the American South, with that particular tone of voice, this is about as polite as you can ask someone to go f*** themselves without swearing, but still make sure they know what you’re thinking. If she wasn’t already making me late for class, I would’ve asked for a manager. My drink continued not to taste very much like chai, but I never saw her again anywhere on campus.)
If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again, Part 3
COFFEE SHOP | WORKING | FEBRUARY 22, 2016
(On impulse, I go to a national chain coffee place during my lunch break. It’s busy, but to my relief there’s almost no line when I get in. The customer in front of me gives a complex order, during which time I pick up one of the holiday-themed reusable cups beside me because I think they’re cute.)
Me: “A venti latte, decaf, please, and also this cup.”
Barista: *takes cup, calling out to her coworker, Barista #2 * “Can we do the chai tea latte in decaf?”
Me: “Oh, no, I asked for a venti decaf latte.”
Barista: “Okay, with soy?”
Me: “Um, no. Dairy milk, please.”
Barista: “Sorry, I keep expecting a complex order.”
Me: *smiling* “I’m a very simple person.”
Barista: “Okay, a decaf venti latte, minus the discount for the reusable cup… What’s your name?”
Me: “I’m [My Name]. Um, please make sure you charge me for the cup? I just picked it up over there.”
Barista: “Okay.”
(Which she does, and I go over to the pick up window. Getting the latte is faster than ordering it.)
(I give up and end up taking the drink, as a line is forming at the register and I have to get back to work. I feel sorry for the first barista – it had obviously been a very long day for her!)
This Tech Feliway From Her Studies
DRUGS, KANSAS, STUPID, USA, VET | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 1, 2020
Feliway is a product that sends out cat pheromones. It’s used for calming them down, helping them adjust to change, or preventing urinating and defecating anywhere except the litter box.
Me: “Hi, do you sell Feliway here?”
Vet Tech: “No, I don’t believe in drugs.”
Me: “Feliway isn’t a drug; it’s cat pheromones.”
Vet Tech: “What are pheromones?”
Me: “…”
Luckily, another vet tech understood what I wanted and got it for me. I heard her trying to explain cat pheromones to the other tech, who had a blank look on her face.
This Customer Is A Pain In His Own Back(side)
ITALY, OFFICE, PATIENTS, STUPID | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 30, 2020
A customer in his seventies hobbles to the window. I start processing some papers and we do some small talk in the process.
Customer: “My back has been killing me for the past week. I couldn’t even walk if I wasn’t on [painkiller].”
Me: “That’s actually the same brand I use. It’s quite effective.”
Customer: “I do hope so. I took four this morning but it has done me no good so far. I might have to take more.”
Me: “That’s unfort— Wait, how many did you say you took?”
Customer: “Four, why?”
Me: “Um, sir, the recommended dose for [painkiller] is two, twice a day. Four in total. Did you just take four all in one go?!”
Customer: “Well, I assumed since I was in a lot of pain I could double the dose.”
Me: “Doubling the dose would mean seriously overdosing on paracetamol. I wouldn’t do that.”
Customer: “That’s bulls***. Yesterday, I took ten in total and it still did nothing.”
Thank You, Doctor Obvious
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, MEDICAL OFFICE, PENNSYLVANIA, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 29, 2020
I am thirty-two weeks pregnant and experiencing sharp pain at the top of my belly. My obstetrician thinks I may have gallstones so he sends me for an ultrasound. The scan comes back clear. At my next appointment, I bring up the pain again.
Doctor: “Your scan was clear so it’s not gallstones.”
Me: “Okay, well, what else could it be? It’s a pretty significant pain.”
Doctor: “Well… you’re pregnant.”
I wanted to shout, “So THAT’S what’s been going on!” but I refrained.
No Rheum For Argument
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, TEXAS, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 27, 2020
I’m visiting my rheumatologist to discuss changes to my medication. The last time I visited, I had a bad reaction to an injection for my autoimmune disorder and I am looking to switch. He’d also started me on another medication that didn’t seem to have any effect, so I’m wondering what the next step is.
Me: “I don’t want to use [Medication #1 ] anymore. I was in so much pain for the week after that I could barely walk. Just standing up made me nauseous.”
Doctor: “Hmm… Well, [Medication #1 ] is the safest one for pregnant women, and you never know when you might get pregnant. I wouldn’t want to take a risk with another medication.”
Me: “Um… like I said before, I’m not going to get pregnant. I need to move to a different medication.”
Doctor: “You know, a colleague of mine had a patient that said the same thing, and only two weeks later, she found out she was pregnant. It happens.”
Me: *Frustrated* “I don’t have sex with men.”
The doctor looks at me blankly for about a minute.
Doctor: “Ah. Well, we can start you on [Medication #2 ]. It’ll take at least two weeks to get your insurance to approve it, though.”
Me: “That’s fine.”
Doctor: “And how about the [Ineffective Drug]? Has anything changed?”
Me: “No, not that I can tell.”
Doctor: “Good. I just wanted to see if there were any side effects. I’ll send in a refill so we can start treating your fibromyalgia.”
Me: “Um… what? I don’t have fibromyalgia.”
Doctor: *Casually* “No, you definitely do. It’s pretty common to develop fibromyalgia along with an autoimmune disorder.”
As I’m sitting there, trying to process what he just told me, he opens the door and waves me out into the lobby.
Doctor: “Okay, let the girls in the front know that I need to see you in two weeks. Have a good day!”
Like Getting Water From A Stone
LAZY/UNHELPFUL, MEDICAL OFFICE, NURSES, TEXAS, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 25, 2020
I’m getting blood drawn — I think it ends up being six vials? — and I start to feel woozy.
Me: “Umm… I’m kind of dizzy.”
Lab Tech: “Oh, do you want some water?”
I nod and immediately regret it.
Me: “Yes, please.”
She gets up and disappears into some back room, and I close my eyes, trying to get my head to stop spinning. After about ten minutes, the nausea wins and I throw up all over the floor.
Lab Tech: *Coming back in* “Are you all right?”
Me: *Weakly* “I’m so sorry. I threw up.”
Lab Tech: *Waving a hand* “Don’t worry. It happens all the time.”
I look at her expectantly but she’s empty-handed.
Lab Tech: “Oh, right. The thing is, we don’t actually have any water. Whoops!”
Someone’s Feeling A Little TOO Good
AUSTRALIA, HARASSMENT, HOSPITAL, PATIENTS, SYDNEY | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 23, 2020
I am a student nurse who hasn’t seen much of the world. I’m working in a geriatric ward and I have been really enjoying working with these patients. Thus far, they have all been sweet, polite, and charming, and they usually have delightful things to tell me.
A group of patients has been positioned together in lounge chairs near the window. It’s a lovely sunny morning; the sun is streaming in and everyone is feeling great.
I approach one gentleman.
Me: “How are you doing there?”
Patient: “Ahhh…”
He settles himself right back in his chair.
Patient: “If I was any more comfortable, you’d be f****** me!”
We’re Sure She Remembers The Really Important Stuff
HOSPITAL, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, NURSES, UK | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 21, 2020
I have just had minor surgery and am recovering from the general anaesthetic. The nurse in the ward has been amazing; she brings me a cheese sandwich which, after a day of not eating, was very appreciated. She asks if I want a drink and I say I do. However, after ten minutes pass, she hasn’t brought one. She walks past and suddenly gasps:
Nurse: “Oh, no! I’m so sorry; I forgot your drink. I’ll go get it now.”
She leaves, and after a further wait, I realise she has probably gotten sidetracked with other patients. I remember that I actually have a drink in my bag, so I just grab that.
After a while, the nurse walks past again.
Nurse: “I can’t believe I forgot your drink again! I am so bad at this job!”
At that, she slowly turns around to face the patient she was coming here to see and quickly shouts out.
Nurse: “I didn’t mean that! I promise I’m not bad at this job!”
I cracked up. Thank you, [Nurse], for making my day much brighter.
The Perfect Place For A Coronary!
EDITORS' CHOICE, FLORIDA, HEALTH & BODY, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, RESTAURANT, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 19, 2020
A friend of mine and I are hanging out on the weekend in the next town over, and we stop to get lunch at a deli that’s just opened up that someone else I know has been raving about. The place is small, with several tables close to where you place your order, and all of said tables are full. We walk up to place our orders.
Server: “What can I get you guys today?”
Me: “Can I get a [Special] on white, with no mayo and extra onion?”
Server: “Sure thing!” *Turns to my friend* “What can I get for you, sir?”
My friend is a bit of a picky eater, so it takes him a second to respond. And he tends to like meat and cheese… a lot of meat and cheese.
Friend: *Still skimming the menu* “Yeah… Can I get [Sandwich], no veggies or condiments, with double meat, triple bacon, and quadruple cheese? And some salt.”
The server gives him a strange look and I just snicker.
Me: “He’ll have a heart attack on a bun, basically.”
The server and my friend laugh, and one of the tables behind us pipes up.
Random Person: “Just so you guys know, we’re off-duty.”
I turned around to see who was talking to us; seated directly behind my friend and me was a group of off-duty EMTs, still in uniform! My friend, the server, and I all cracked up laughing for a good minute, and so did the group of EMTs. One of the funniest stars-aligned moments I’ve had to date!
The Medicinal Value Of Good Vibes
BIZARRE, MEDICATION, PHARMACY, REDDIT, USA | HEALTHY | CREDIT: OREOLTBOZO | SEPTEMBER 18, 2020
A customer comes in wanting her two prescriptions filled.
Me: “That’ll be about fifteen minutes.
The customer and her husband go wait in the waiting area. I help other customers, answer phones, finally get to counting out her prescriptions. After the pharmacist double-checks the prescription, the medicine, and the count I go and ring up the customer.
Customer: “I want to look at the medicine before getting them.”
She takes them out of the bag and puts them out on the counter, but doesn’t open the lids like other patients do when they ask to see the medicine. She then pulls out a small velvet bag from her bag and pulls out a clear crystal on a string. She hovers it over each bottle for thirty seconds.
Customer: “They have good energy; I’ll get them.”
The whole time I just stared at her looking at her wide-eyed not saying a thing, I just put the bottles back in the back and rung her up. I guess I’m glad our pharmacy had good energy?
Avocado Hand, Cousin Of Salad Fingers
CALIFORNIA, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HOSPITAL, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, PATIENTS, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 16, 2020
My grandma calls my mom to tell her she has just had a minor fall, so my mom and I rush over to help her right away. We notice that she has bumped her head and it is bleeding slightly. Even though she is in a good mood and says she feels fine, we decide to take her to the emergency room to get it checked out.
At the hospital, my grandma is shown to a bed in a large open room with several other patients. In the bed closest to hers is a man in his twenties or so who looks really nervous, so we decide to start up a friendly conversation while we are all waiting.
Man: “Yeah, I’m here because of an avocado.”
Grandma: “Wow, must have been some avocado! How did you manage that?”
Man: “Yeah, man, avocados are like, really dangerous! I was just gonna make some guacamole — it’s so good, you know? So, I opened the avocado, and I went to take the pit out with a big knife like chefs do on TV. I hit the pit really hard, but the knife bounced and got my finger instead. I’m really afraid of blood, and so is everyone else in my family. It’s just, like, really gross and everything. So, I barely managed to call 911 before I passed out, and they brought me here.”
Grandma: “I had no idea avocados were so dangerous! Don’t worry, though; you got to the right place, and I’m sure they’ll have no trouble patching up your hand.”
Man: “I hope so because I’m starting to feel kinda woozy again.”
Just then, the man’s doctor arrives and starts getting ready to stitch up his hand. We chat amongst ourselves for a bit and then glance over to see how he is doing. The doctor is sitting in a chair beside the man’s bed, facing toward the foot of the bed, and bending over the man’s hand while he works on it.
The doctor is so focused on his work that he isn’t paying any attention to the man’s face, but from our side of the room, we can clearly see that all the color is draining out! I thought people only turned shades of green in cartoons, but let me tell you, it really happens to this guy. As he is getting paler and greener, we try to get the doctor’s attention, but he is concentrating really hard and doesn’t hear us.
Finally, we see the man start leaning to the side as if he were in slow motion, and then he starts to tip over!
Mom, Grandma, & Me: *Shouting* “Doctor! Your patient passed out!”
The doctor looks up for the first time, surprised.
Doctor: “Oh, well, would you look at that.”
He calls for a nurse, who arrives immediately and takes care of the poor guy. She stays with them the rest of the time to make sure he doesn’t pass out again!
Shortly after, another doctor arrives to take care of my grandma. After doing some tests, they find that, fortunately, her injury is minor and will cause no lasting damage, so they are able to give her a few stitches and then send us home.
As we are getting prepared to leave, the same nurse who helped the man earlier comes to check on us, and we ask her how he is doing.
Nurse: “Don’t worry; we got his hand all stitched up and he’ll be just fine. It was actually a pretty small cut. I’ve seen much worse avocado injuries before.”
Mom: “Really? Are people that bad at opening avocados?”
Nurse: “Oh, yeah, avocado injuries are really common, especially here in California where people eat them so often. Our nickname for the ‘syndrome’ is Avocado Hand.”
It was hard to keep from laughing at the man with the Avocado Hand! We’re just glad he ended up okay, and fortunately, my grandma made a full recovery, too. For years afterward, the story of meeting the Avocado Man at the hospital was one of our family’s favorites. Moral of the story: just take the pits out of your avocados with a spoon, people!
Does Kevin’s Mom Know Her Son’s A Jerk?
ASSISTED LIVING, CURRENT EVENTS, JERK, NON-DIALOGUE, PORTUGAL, SONS & DAUGHTERS | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 13, 2020
I work in an assisted living facility. Due to the health crisis, we’ve had to stop visits to the elderly. After some work, we created a space where people could see their families through a glass, similar to those in ticket booths. In order to visit the elderly through there, families need to make an appointment.
Today, I got a call from a man wanting to visit his mum on the weekend. I told him everything was booked. He said, in a very aggravated tone, that he hadn’t seen his mum in two months. I said I understood, and he immediately cut me off, saying I didn’t understand a thing, that it was a simple request, and that I should be able to do something so basic.
After a bit of back and forth, I told him he could either book for the weekend after or see his mum through one of the gates this weekend. He said he was no dog to be left out on the street.
I couldn’t help but think, “If you wanted to see your mum so bad, wouldn’t you take what you could get?”
After being called incompetent for the seventh time, I couldn’t take it anymore and told him, “Well, sir, since you insist on coming this weekend but refuse to see your mother through the gates, unless you drop from a parachute onto the roof in order to see her, I can’t help you.”
He said, in a very high and mighty tone, that he was going to call my boss and tell him my answers. I called my boss to warn him about the headache heading his way and he laughed at the parachute comment.
It turns out that the guy is known for being impossible to talk to.
What do you call a male Karen? A Gareth? A Kevin? Either way, I had one of those. And I’m not looking forward to completing the set.
A Close Shave To Get Those Teeth Clean
ASSISTED LIVING, AWESOME, CANADA, INSPIRATIONAL | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 10, 2020
It’s my first day working as a care assistant in a home for adults with learning difficulties. Every resident is treated as a member of the family. A more experienced colleague is showing me around.
Colleague: “This is John. He needs a lot of personal care, but he’s a great guy. He’s quite happy and easy to take care of.”
Later, we are putting him to bed and my colleague is demonstrating to me how to clean his teeth. John won’t open his mouth for the toothbrush.
Colleague: “He really doesn’t like the taste of toothpaste. We have to be patient.”
Two minutes later, he still hasn’t opened his mouth.
Colleague: “Would you switch on John’s shaver? It’s on the shelf there.”
Me: “Huh? We haven’t finished cleaning his teeth yet.”
Colleague: “Just switch it on and watch carefully.”
Confused, I switch it on. Then, I look at John to watch the reaction. He grins and opens his mouth wide. My colleague puts the toothbrush in and cleans his teeth without issue.
Colleague: “You see, he hates getting his teeth cleaned, but he loves getting shaved. The sound of the shaver is enough to distract him. Getting shaved is his reward for letting us clean his teeth.”
I was amazed that something so simple would work! Several months later, I enjoy working with him.
It’s An Emergency! But It Can Wait.
JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, NURSES, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 7, 2020
I have a concerning problem and decide to ask my insurance’s nurse advice hotline if I should go to the ER. This is what happens at the end of our conversation.
Nurse: “I definitely think you should call 911 and have an ambulance take you to the hospital. But before you do that, would you mind answering a few survey questions about my performance today?”
Me: *Incredulous pause* “No.”
I hung up, pretty shocked. I could not believe that she did that. An online survey later, sure. But in a situation urgent enough to call 911?
As for my medical issues, a new medication was causing serious complications. Reversing the medication, plus a few other things, solved it. I should be fine.
Attention-Seeking Isn’t Always A Bad Thing
CALIFORNIA, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, LAZY/UNHELPFUL, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 5, 2020
This happens when I am sixteen, almost seventeen. My mom is out of town on a business trip and I insist that I am fine to stay home while she is gone. I haven’t been feeling well for a few days, so I go in to see a doctor. My regular doctor isn’t in that day so they send me to see a different doctor.
The doctor comes in and starts to look over my medical history. While he’s doing so, we have the following conversation.
Doctor: “What seems to be the problem?”
Me: “My stomach really hurts and I haven’t been able to keep anything down for a few days. The pain keeps getting worse, and then I throw up and the pain gets better for a while, but then it gets bad again.”
Doctor: “Can you describe the pain and where it’s located?”
Me: “It’s sharp and right here.”
I point to the lower right part of my abdomen.
Doctor: “Uh-huh.” *Looks up from the computer* “Well, just get plenty of fluids and rest and you should be fine in a few days. Nothing to worry about.”
Me: “I really don’t feel good. It feels like something is wrong.”
Doctor: “Well, I can see from your medical records that you’ve been seeing a therapist for the past year and are on antidepressants. I’m putting in your file that you are having attention-seeking behavior. There is nothing wrong with you other than a stomach virus. I will follow up with your therapist.”
With that, he left the room.
I called my mom and told her that the doctor said it was just a stomach virus and that it should go away soon. My mom got home late the next day and checked on me. I still wasn’t feeling well and we made another appointment for me for the next day. I woke her up at two am because something felt wrong. The pain was gone but I couldn’t get warm. She took me to the ER; my appendix had ruptured. I ended up spending a week in the ICU with an infection and it took another month to fully recover.
Taking A Page Out Of Jean Milburn’s Book
EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, HEALTH & BODY, HOSPITAL, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, RUDE & RISQUE, UK | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 4, 2020
My mother is a retired midwife. I was raised with a clear understanding of motherhood and everything it entails. As a ten-year-old boy, I would read her professional magazines. I could have an intelligent conversation about menopause or explain an epidural. Then, in my early teens, this happens.
Mum: “Hey, [My Name]. How are you? You won’t believe what happened last night. We had a model breast.”
Me: “A model— Wait, what?”
Mum: “We had some professional development training to do in breastfeeding, and they had a model breast for it.”
Me: “Er, model breast?”
Mum: “A model of a boob; it’s supposed to imitate a functioning boob. It came complete with a nipple that dispenses a liquid.”
Me: “Right… but almost all midwives are women. Aren’t there enough boobs in a maternity hospital for this to be obvious?”
Mum: “We all thought that, so we repurposed the training boob.”
Me: “I— Wait, what? A model boob was supplied to your colleagues for training and… Where is it now?”
Mum: “In the bathroom.”
Me: “Model breast in our bath… huh?”
Mum: “Since we didn’t need it, we reused it as a soap dispenser.”
Me: “I… What?”
Mum: “We obviously didn’t need it, so we might as well put it to good use. So, we glued it to the wall of the staff bathroom and added liquid soap. Press the nipple and soap comes out.”
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