(Regrettably, our local university is the main reason that county STD rates are the second-highest in the state (the highest-ranking county is home to a naval base). Outbreaks are common and rather a grim joke with local healthcare providers. The county has purchased a new emergency radio system and one of their officers has arrived to train our staff on how to use the equipment.)
Instructor: “The great thing about this system is that it is linked to over two hundred towers, state-wide. This means that if you need to, you can communicate not only throughout the county, but with other jurisdictions as well. For example; let’s say you have to set up some kind of emergency clinic at the University for… I don’t know, what’s an epidemic that the students might experience there?”
Me: *without thinking* “Probably chlamydia.”
(My boss shushed me, but our director of nursing almost fell off her chair from laughing so hard.)
Whether You’re A Brother Or Whether You’re A Mother You Should Learn CPR
Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, USA, Vancouver | Healthy | December 20, 2017
I am sitting in the waiting room of my doctor’s office waiting to be called back. They have a TV playing some health network with short tips and tricks to being healthy.
One of the tips was to perform CPR to the beat of the song ‘Staying Alive’ by the Bee Gees. I laugh out loud in the quiet waiting room imagining passing out only to be revived by someone singing that song.
I got quite a few weird looks before I was able to get my giggles under control. But I guess I won’t forget the beat if I ever have to perform CPR now because I will want them to be ‘Staying Alive’!
Hospital, USA, Washington DC | Healthy | December 20, 2017
(I have been suffering from a cough and breathing problems for a few days. Thinking it is just a passing cold, I don’t worry too much about it until one night I notice that my neck is noticeably swollen. Concerned, I go to my mother, who is a nurse, and ask her opinion. She decides to take me to the ER due to the swelling and my issues with breathing. After arriving, I am taken to a room to wait for the doctor to evaluate me.)
Nurse: “I hear you’re having some trouble breathing.”
Me: “Yes, I’ve been coughing, and I thought it was just a cold, but now my neck is swollen.”
Nurse: “Well, let’s just listen to your chest for a minute.”
(She listens to me breathe for a few moments, makes a note on her chart, and leaves. Several minutes later, the attending physician enters the room.)
Doctor: “So you’re having issues with breathing?”
Me: “Yes. I told the nurse I thought I had a cough, but now my neck is swollen and my mom was concerned it could be something else.”
Doctor: “Well, let’s just listen to your chest.”
(He also checks my lungs, the same as the nurse.)
Doctor: “Well, you seem to have some labored breathing, so we’re going to give you a breathing treatment to help with that.”
Me: “What about the swelling?”
Doctor: “I don’t really see any swelling.”
(My mother and I both stare at the doctor in disbelief. Full disclosure, I am overweight, and because of that, I do have somewhat of a ‘double-chin’. However, this is far beyond double-chin territory; it was noticeable enough for both me and my nurse mother to be concerned.)
Mom: “Her neck is obviously swollen. This isn’t normal. I know what normal is for her, and this isn’t it.”
Doctor: *dismissing her* “I’ll be back with the breathing treatment.”
(My mother and I are completely irritated by his behavior. My mom, in a stroke of genius, pulls out her phone. Not a week before, we had been on vacation, and had taken many pictures; my mom pulls up a picture of me, facing forward, that shows how I usually look. When the doctor returns, she shows him this picture as evidence that my neck does not normally look as it does now.)
Doctor: *taken aback* “Oh, your neck IS swollen! Let’s get you in for an MRI!”
(Thankfully, I just had bronchitis. However, neither my mother nor I were pleased that one of my symptoms was ignored, simply because the doctor assumed that it was irrelevant!)
Hospital, Texas, USA | Healthy | December 19, 2017
(For whatever reason, several of my friends have been taking turns in the hospital recently. My husband and I are bringing food to the third one in the past month, at a different hospital than the others, who is admitted with an extremely damaged hand after an accident. His wife meets us at the door and walks back with us to the room, but becomes lost in the process. The hallways have letter flags on them, but she is unable to locate the one we need. Fortunately, nearby staff take turns stepping in to help.)
Friend’s Wife: “Oh, no. I don’t know where ‘J’ hall is…”
Nurse #1 : *on another hall and out of view* “Take a right at ‘H’!”
Friend’s Wife: “Thanks!”
(We get to the end of ‘H’ and become lost again.)
Friend’s Wife: “I don’t see ‘J’ hall. Did we go the right way?”
Nurse #2 : *passing behind us* “Through the double doors.”
Husband: “They’re good.”
(We walk through the doors and pass a few doctors.)
Friend’s Wife: “Now we just need room J123.”
Doctor: “Just there on your left.”
Me: “Why can’t every hospital be this easy to navigate? It’s like we have a GPS with us.”
You Keep Using That Word. I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means
Medical Office, Michigan, USA | Healthy | December 19, 2017
(I am waiting for an appointment in a medical office. The office shares a waiting room with a medical laboratory. Those there for the lab take a number, while those seeing a specialist have appointments. Several other patients, including the rude patient, are waiting to be seen.)
Rude Patient: “I was here first! I am number 34. You need to see me now!”
Medical Person #1 : “Ma’am, he has a lower number than you do. I’ve told you twice already, I can’t skip you forward in the line. We see people in the order they show up, and this man was here before you. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have a lower number than you do.”
Rude Patient: “I have another appointment before [time half an hour from now]. You need to see me right now.”
Medical Person #1 : “Ma’am, we see people in the order of their numbers. You will be seen when it is your turn,and not before then. If you need to leave before that, you can go, and come back when you have more time. I can’t guarantee how soon you’d be seen.”
([Medical Person #1 ] goes through the door with [Patient #1 ].)
Rude Patient: “She is very rude!”
(Rude patient pulls open the sliding window where the receptionist for the medical office sits, and launches into her complaint.)
Rude Patient: “That woman is very rude! It is my turn, and she’s seeing other people. You need to make sure that I am next!”
Receptionist: “Ma’am, I’ve already explained this to you. I have nothing to do with the lab. I am the receptionist for [Doctor #1 ] and [Doctor #2 ]. The lab is a separate thing, and I have no control over that. But people at the lab are always seen in order of their numbers.”
Rude Patient: “You! What is your number?”
Me: “I have an appointment to see [Doctor #1 ]. I don’t have a number.”
Rude Patient: “You! What is your number?”
Patient #2 : “I am number 36.” *points to the man next to her* “He is number 37.”
(While rude patient keeps muttering about how rude [Medical Person #1 ] is, [Medical Person #2 ] comes out wearing scrubs but limping out the door in a cast. She is immediately accosted by the rude patient.)
Rude Patient: “The other girl is very rude! I had an appointment downstairs, and they sent me to get lab work done, but that woman is seeing everyone else first and not letting me go. I have another appointment!”
([Medical Person #2 ] spends several minutes confirming that everyone else had lower numbers than the rude patient, and explaining that people are always seen in order in the lab. While this happens, another patient comes out.)
Rude Patient: “You! What was your number?”
Patient #3 : “Um, 30, I think? I threw it out as soon as they called me.”
Medical Person #2 : “It sounds like you’re probably next, ma’am. You can either wait here for her to be ready for you, or you can go to any of our locations later today if you have somewhere else you need to be.”
Rude Patient: “But she is so rude!”
Me: “Ma’am, she wasn’t rude. She was frustrated. From what everyone has said, everyone who has been seen before you has had a lower number than you. That means they were here before you. And she said that she had already explained that she couldn’t jump you ahead of other people in the line, which means you were probably demanding that before I showed up. You just don’t like being told that. Frankly, you need to either sit down and wait your turn, or go to your other appointment and then either come back here or go to one of the other lab locations when you have the time and won’t yell at people for doing their job. But the fact that you didn’t get your way doesn’t make someone else rude.”
Rude Patient: “That’s very rude of you. You need to respect your elders!”
(I shake my head and go back to my book.)
Medical Person #1 : “Number 33?… If there’s no number 33, number 34?”
Rude Woman: “Finally!”
(I really don’t think the rude patient understood the meaning of the word rude.)
Dentist, Florida, USA | Healthy | December 19, 2017
(I have to get all four wisdom teeth removed just before starting my senior year of high school, and one of them gives me trouble. When we cut the small stitches out, we find the space where that tooth had been still has a little bit open, but don’t think it warrants another stitch. My dentist is explaining safety rules for food and drinks, considering the small hole in my gums.)
Dentist: “Don’t chew on that side if you can avoid it; don’t have anything with alcohol—”
Me: “Well, there goes my entire high school career.”
Canada, Hospital, Kingston, Ontario | Healthy | December 18, 2017
(I’m in the hospital for debilitating migraines. The pain is vomit-inducing and has no discernible cause. After a slight abnormality shows on the CAT, they send me for an MRI.)
Doctor: “So, we didn’t find the cause of the headaches, but we did find a blood clot, so we’ll be giving you some new medications.”
(My mom and I are horrified at the idea of a blood clot in my brain, of course, and before we can come to terms with what that means the doctor is gone.)
Mom: “Okay, you are NOT moving from this bed! One bad move and the clot could shift, so you have to be INCREDIBLY careful!”
(For two days I barely leave my bed, even to go to the bathroom. They book more tests, but none to do with blood clots. Finally, two days later…)
Mom: *interrupting Doctor* “Okay, a lumbar punctures will help the blood clot how exactly?!”
Doctor: *surprised* “Oh, the clot is old and in a drainage artery. There’s no danger of that hurting the brain!”
(If we hadn’t been so relieved I think my mom would have throttled that doctor for making her think her daughter was on death’s door for two days!)
Arizona, Medical Office, Phoenix, USA | Healthy | December 18, 2017
(I am diagnosed with a rare neurological condition and go to the Mayo Clinic. My medication doses have to be adjusted continuously for several months and I am now on a combination of both the regular and extended release for the best effect. Since Mayo does not accept my insurance and I had to pay for their evaluation out of pocket, I am now transferring to an in-network neurologist for follow-up care.)
Me: “So I’m on [Medication] and I take 1000 mg extended and 500 regular in the morning, and then 1000 mg extended and 250 mg regular in the evening.”
Doctor: “Oh, that’s too complicated. I’m just going to write your prescription for 1000 mg twice a day.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Doctor: “I don’t know why you ended up on such a complicated dose.”
Me: “Because the neurologist at Mayo Clinic carefully adjusted my dose over several months, and we determined that this was what worked best to control my symptoms. You have all the records from Mayo.”
Doctor: “Yes, but it’ll be so much easier for you to just take 1000 mg twice a day.”
Arizona, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | December 17, 2017
(I’m headed to a doctor’s appointment that I scheduled two weeks prior. The appointment time is 3:30 and that was confirmed twice while talking to the receptionist, and I was left a voicemail the day before my appointment again confirming my 3:30 check in. I always like to arrive early because I work in the medical field myself and I know how important it is to be in time. I show up at a very prompt 3:10.)
Me: “Hi, I’m early but I’m here to check in for my 3:30 appointment.”
Receptionist: *very blankly* “Name.”
Me: *says name*
Receptionist: *SIGH* “Let me ask the doctor is she can see you because you’re really late.”
(The receptionist walks away before I can say anything. She comes back and rolls her eyes.)
Receptionist: “I guess she’ll see you, but you’re late.”
Me: “I’m twenty minutes early. My appointment is 3:30.”
Receptionist: “No, you’re twenty minutes late. Fill this out so she can take you back.”
(It’s not worth the fight, so I sit down and finish the paperwork. Soon after, the door swings open and the doctor calls my name.)
Doctor: “Hurry back. I need to rush because you’re very late and now my schedule is behind.”
Me: “My appointment was 3:30. I’m early.”
Doctor: “That’s not what my schedule says. You’re holding up my day.”
Me: “I have a voicemail even confirming my time!”
Doctor: *rolls eyes* “Sure you do. Hurry up.”
(I’m so annoyed with being called a liar I play the voicemail on speaker.)
Doctor: “Oh. They did say to check in at 3:30. But you’re still late; now hurry up.”
(I was so annoyed but the wait on this appointment was forever and I just quickly did the appointment. She was terrible and I never went back after that.)
Hospital, Idaho, USA | Healthy | December 16, 2017
(I’ve just had major surgery on my leg and have been taken to my room. I begin to feel chilled, so I press the call button. The nurse who responds covered me with an additional blanket, but after a short time I am so cold I was shivering, so another blanket is added. Within about an hour two more blankets are added but I am colder than ever. Then the charge nurse comes in on her rounds.)
Me: *violently shivering* “C-c-cold!”
Nurse: *having just taken my vitals* “You’re practically hypothermic. Let me check your leg and then I’ll see what else we can do to warm you up.” *checks my leg* “Oh. How long has your leg been packed in ice?!”
Me: “Ice?”
(Neither of us knew, so it must have been done before I awoke from anesthesia which means it had been there for at quite some time. Each blanket that was added sealed in the cold that much more, so of course I was freezing! The ice was quickly removed and with five or six blankets covering me I warmed up pretty fast.)
Food & Drink, Medical Office, Pennsylvania, USA | Healthy | December 15, 2017
(I’ve been a diabetic for over 42 years, so I’m a bit “old school” when it comes to caring for my diabetes. Still, I must be doing something right, as my control has been fairly tight up until recently. Because of new issues, I go to see an endocrinologist and am discussing my diet with her. And as dismayed as I am to say it, I’m about 60 lbs overweight.)
Doctor: “How many carbs do you eat per meal?”
Me: “Oh, three, sometimes four. If I’m feeling particularly crazy, I’ll have up to five, but that’s my limit.”
Doctor: *looking at me in horror* “How many?!”
Me: “Three or four.”
Doctor: “Grams?”
Me: *holding my arms wide* “Do I look like a mouse? I’m talking about the diabetic exchange, doc. Fifteen grams is one carb, and I eat three or four carbs per meal, with two carbs being a snack.”
Doctor: “Oh, God! I thought you were eating only three or four grams per meal.”
Canada, Medical Office, Ontario, Toronto | Healthy | December 15, 2017
(I was just recently diagnosed with pretty severe asthma. This winter, I start feeling odd in my chest whenever I breathe, and it’s causing me great anxiety, so I go to my GP.)
Me: “Whenever I breathe my chest feels odd, and it’s difficult to get deep breaths.”
Doctor: “So, don’t breathe; problem solved.”
Me: *awkward laugh* “Yeah, I guess so, but I was hoping for a more permanent solution.”
Doctor: “Take your inhaler.”
Me: “Yes, I am, but it doesn’t help.”
Doctor: “So, don’t breathe.”
(I ended up walking out and going to the ER. It wasn’t life-threatening and they just told me to take something over-the-counter medicine for a month, and to avoid going outside in extremely cold weather.)
England, Kent, Pharmacy, UK | Healthy | December 14, 2017
(I am waiting patiently for a prescription to be filled in a quiet pharmacy.)
Pharmacist: “Found it; here you go!”
Me: *takes bagged item* “Thanks.”
Pharmacist: “No problem, bye!”
Me: “Uhh… I still need to pay for this.”
Pharmacist: “Oh! I’m so sorry. Thank you for your honesty.” *rings up the transaction*
Me: “Well, not that I would anyway, but it would be kind of stupid for me to run off, seeing as you know exactly who I am and where I live.” *gestures to my address printed on the bag*
Pharmacist: “You wouldn’t believe what some people try.”
(I manage a retail store that does engravings. When customers want something done we go to a little counter, stand opposite the customer, and explain pricing. I am due to have my daughter any day when this happens. I’m tall and have always been really skinny.)
Nice Young Couple: “We want to get [Item] with [Name] on it.”
Me: “Oh, that’s such a cute name!”
(I explain the pricing. All is going well.)
Woman: “I’m six months along and feel like a whale! How far are you?”
Me: “I’m nine months. Actually, the doctor said I should have popped a week ago. When I’m done working, I walk the Mall of America like a crazy person because a manager over there swears it helps induce labor!”
Woman: “You’re nine months!? Why are you so small?!”
Me: “I don’t know. I’m just naturally skinny but the doctor predicted that she would at least be seven pounds or more.”
Woman: *suddenly incredibly angry* “I’m only six months and bigger than you! That’s not fair!”
(At that point the woman went savage and actually tried to climb over the counter to hit me. Her boyfriend grabbed her and dragged her out of the store kicking and screaming “It’s not fair!” while giving me a look that said “I’m so sorry!” Two days later I got my doctor to give me a note saying I couldn’t work anymore while pregnant because of blood pressure issues. I had my baby a week later and quit when my maternity leave was up. I have never, and will never, go back to retail. I have a lot of respect for people that stick it out. You don’t get paid enough
(I am pregnant, quite close to my due date, and obviously showing it even through my boxy work uniform. This occurs during a (so far) normal transaction as I am returning an item for a customer approximately in his fifties.)
Customer: “So, you’re pregnant?”
Me: *smiling* “Yup!”
Customer: “How’d that happen?”
Me: “Uh… well… um…”
Customer: *cheerfully* “You’d be surprised, the different answers I get with that one.”
Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Medical Office, USA, Washington | Right | November 2, 2017
(I’m having a pregnancy test done at a local clinic. After I get a positive result, they go over some things with me. The nurse is asking me basic questions about daily habits and my lifestyle.)
Nurse: “All right, do you smoke?”
Me: “Nope.”
Nurse: “Drink alcohol?”
Me: “Not at all.”
Nurse: “Do you plan on starting?”
Me: “Not anytime soon.”
Nurse: “Oh, thank God! I don’t have to try to talk sense into you.”
Me: “Do people really think they can smoke and drink during pregnancy?”
Hospital, USA, Washington | Healthy | December 15, 2017
(My sister goes to the hospital due to her appendix rupturing. Because of the amount of pain she is in, I answer all the questions for her, fill out forms, etc. While she is in the ER, nurses continue to ask if she is pregnant. The first couple times are different nurses that I assume aren’t talking to each other, but it gets annoying. This all happens before they confirm it’s her appendix.)
Nurse #3 : *later, as the painkillers are starting to kick in, causing my sister to slur her speech slightly and not be quite present* “Is there any chance you’re pregnant?”
Me: *frustrated* “There is no chance she’s pregnant!”
Me: *points at the insurance cards I’d pulled out of her wallet and laid on the counter* “If you idiots had taken half a second to look at these, you’d see she doesn’t have a uterus!”
(My sister was in an accident when she was a kid and had to have her uterus removed, and carries a card with that information on it, because the pregnancy question always comes up. The nurse left quickly and we soon had yet another nurse, who didn’t ask the pregnancy question. I apologize to the nurse at the desk later for yelling, but she waved me off and said it was a quick way to learn a lesson.)
England, Kent, Pharmacy, UK | Healthy | December 14, 2017
(I am waiting patiently for a prescription to be filled in a quiet pharmacy.)
Pharmacist: “Found it; here you go!”
Me: *takes bagged item* “Thanks.”
Pharmacist: “No problem, bye!”
Me: “Uhh… I still need to pay for this.”
Pharmacist: “Oh! I’m so sorry. Thank you for your honesty.” *rings up the transaction*
Me: “Well, not that I would anyway, but it would be kind of stupid for me to run off, seeing as you know exactly who I am and where I live.” *gestures to my address printed on the bag*
Pharmacist: “You wouldn’t believe what some people try.”
Clinic, Parents/Guardians, USA | Healthy | December 14, 2017
(A mother comes into our blood-draw station with her non-verbal, autistic adult son. He is at least 350 pounds, and probably about 6′. I am 5’1” and about 120 pounds, mostly lower body and core muscle as I’m a competitive Irish dancer. The mother proceeds to explain to me his special needs and his abilities and limitations.)
Me: “Okay. Is he likely to try and hit me?” *the mother gives me an odd look* “I’ll still draw him if he is, it’s just easier for me to block if I’m expecting it.”
Mother: *incredulous* “You’re going to block him hitting you?!”
Me: *looking at her son* “Yes. If he tries to hit me, I will block the hit.”
Mother: “You can’t hurt my son.”
Me: “Don’t worry. I’m trained to block physical attacks without harming the attacker; it’s a training that many healthcare workers have.”
Mother: “I don’t want you to block it.”
Me: “Let me get this straight. Look at me. Look at him. I am a 5’1” woman. You want me to just let him hit me?”
Celebrate the 25th anniversary of the timeless love story this Valentine’s Day Weekend. #Titanic returns to the big screen in remastered 4K 3D on February 10. pic.twitter.com/WcBFJJ8hBI
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