Pink Ribbons Make Some People See Red
APARTMENT COMPLEX, CALIFORNIA, CHARITY, HEALTH & BODY, JERK, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 24, 2021
I am a leasing agent at a senior apartment complex. I contributed to a breast cancer research fund and received a pink ribbon pin, which we are allowed to wear. My current applicant has been huffing and tutting as she fills out paperwork, and she makes a point of never looking me in the eye. When we are finished, she tries a parting shot.
Applicant: “You know, I had breast cancer, too, but I don’t advertise it.”
Me: *With a big smile* “I haven’t had it, thankfully, but my cousin died from it, so I do what I can to raise awareness.”
She turned a few shades of red, grabbed her paperwork, and hurried off.
Find A Job You Love
AWESOME, FUNNY, LABORATORY, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, PENNSYLVANIA, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 23, 2021
I am working as a phlebotomist at a labcorp. That means I’m the guy that draws your blood whenever you need it done for some sort of test. The latest person I’m drawing blood from is polite with a decent sense of humor and doesn’t freak out at the idea of having blood drawn, so generally, I consider him a decent customer.
Me: “Apply pressure here, please.”
Patient: “Okay. I guess you’re almost done with me, huh?”
Me: “Just about.”
Patient: “Lucky you. Most people agree five minutes of dealing with me is about the most anyone should have to endure.”
Me: “Oh, that’s not fair. I didn’t mind drawing for you at all.”
Patient: “I guess I can understand that. I mean, most people I meet end up wanting to stab me, but you’re one of the few that actually gets to do it! Must be very therapeutic, huh?”
Me: “Yep, stabbing people for fun and profit — what’s not to love about this job?”
Patient: “That’s the spirit! Have a good day now. Enjoy making people bleed.”
Bending Your Knowledge Of Medicine Until It Breaks
AUSTRIA, COUSINS, HEALTH & BODY, SKI RESORT | HEALTHY | JUNE 22, 2021
I went on a winter holiday in Austria. It was my second time snowboarding after finishing my lessons the year before. On the afternoon of our third day there, I was exhausted and I tried to push myself up from a sitting position but fell right away. I felt a small snapping sensation in my right ring finger, but I didn’t think much about it.
Thirty minutes and two ski lifts later, I realized that my finger was swollen. I decided to go back to our hotel. I asked my cousin — a med student — about what I needed to use to reduce the pain. She tried to feel the bone but couldn’t because the finger was very thick already.
Cousin: “Can you bend your finger?”
Me: “Only like a third of the way.”
Cousin: “How painful is it out of ten?”
Me: “I think six.”
Cousin: “I think you just sprained it. Just use the ointment to reduce bruising, wrap it with elastic sport tape to keep it still, and you should be okay in a few days.”
Me: “You don’t think it’s broken?”
Cousin: “You would know it if it was broken. You would feel more pain.”
Me: “I don’t have to go to the emergency clinic here, then?”
Cousin: “Nah. It’s too expensive here. You can wait until we’re back in Amsterdam.”
Me: “Okay.”
A few days after we were back, almost a week after the accident, I had to go to Indonesia. By then, the swelling was gone, but the finger was still crooked and couldn’t bend. I decided to go to a clinic there.
From the x-ray picture, they saw that I had a hairline fracture close to the second joint of my right ring finger. Unfortunately, it had already been too long, so the bone already started healing itself, in the wrong position. Now the finger is forever crooked.
When I told my family about it, [Cousin] received a lot of teasing, and the story is retold every winter holiday. She did not choose orthopedics as her specialty.
A Mother-In-Law So Sweet She’ll Give You Diabetes
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, IN-LAWS, MEDICAL OFFICE, THE NETHERLANDS | HEALTHY | JUNE 21, 2021
I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes when I was five months pregnant. My OBGYN referred me to a dietitian for a consultation. I went with my mother-in-law since the office is hard to reach with public transport.
During the consultation, my mother-in-law kept telling the dietitian that I always eat a lot of rice, noodles, and Asian food in general that has high sugar levels. She’s not completely wrong, but I am also okay with switching to a low-carb, low-sugar diet. Then, my mother-in-law suggested that I eat at her place more often since she always eats healthy. My dietitian seemed happy, and I just said yes to keep the consultation going.
Fast forward to the next consultation with my dietitian, one month later, the week after Christmas. This time, I went with my husband.
Dietitian: “Hi! How was your Christmas?”
Me: “It was good. We celebrated at his parents’ place. My mother-in-law always prepares the Christmas dinner.”
Dietitian: “Were you able to keep your blood sugar level low and stable?”
Me: “Yes. The highest was 6.2, and it was after a slice of pie.”
Dietitian: “Oh, good! What did you eat other than that?”
Me: “I knew I wanted the pie, so I skipped the mashed potatoes and only ate the roast beef and beans. I skipped the sauce and compote. I also only ate a small slice of pie.”
Dietitian: “Didn’t your mother-in-law say that she always cooks healthy?”
Husband: “Ignore her. She always says that, but then always cooks mashed potatoes with gravy, salad with tons of dressing, and prepackaged juice.”
Dietitian: “Oh.”
I love my husband and how realistic he is about everything.
Not Healthy, Not Working, And So Not Okay
BOSSES & OWNERS, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 19, 2021
My family has a history of anxiety, depression, and OCD. I have had anxiety my entire life and it seems to have manifested as early as three years old, but I’ve never really needed medication for it as I coped with meditation and therapy. I had some slight OCD tendencies but compared to my sister and grandmother I never really thought I had it because it wasn’t “that bad”.
I also developed PTSD during the global health crisis because my boss at the time isolated me and wouldn’t let me speak to any of my coworkers and generally refused to let me do my job while screaming at me for two to four hours a day about how we need to do our jobs. Basically, she threatened me with my job during a global health crisis, while going out of her way to make it so I couldn’t do my job, to cover up her own inadequacies.
After experiencing symptoms six months later, I finally go to a psychiatrist, who diagnoses me. I later go to see a doctor, as being stressed out for so long can affect your physical health and I want to get fully better.
General Practitioner: “So, any new medication since we last spoke?”
Me: “Actually, yes, I am on 20 mg of fluoxetine.”
General Practitioner: “What are you taking it for?”
“Ignore It Until It Goes Away” Doesn’t Work With Everything
HEALTH & BODY, HOME, HOSPITAL, INDONESIA, PATIENTS | HEALTHY | JUNE 17, 2021
I have mild chronic gastritis. I also have a slight deformation on my hip so I often feel pain in my lower back and hip. The pain I feel from those two conditions can be bad, but thankfully not often. I also have a high pain threshold because of them.
One day in late November, I started feeling discomfort in my stomach but I couldn’t really pinpoint where exactly. I disregarded it as just one of my two issues, so I started taking my usual medicine and kept an eye on my diet. The pain came and went for a full month. I didn’t really think about it since I was busy with a project and I had already bought a concert ticket. Project ended, concert attended, and the pain still lingered.
Finally, on New Year’s Eve, the pain was unbearable, so I told my sister who’s a doctor. She came by and did a quick check.
Sister: “Pack your bag, and I’ll call our parents to take you to the ER.”
It turned out that I had a swollen appendix. It was only hours away from rupturing. I ended up having to watch the New Year’s Eve fireworks through a hospital window, with an IV drip and some stitches on my tummy.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is a reminder to never ignore any pain you feel in your body.
You Got Grass Growing On Your Roof? Part 2
BIZARRE, FUNNY, HOSPITAL, MINNESOTA, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 15, 2021
My aunt is home alone while my uncle is at work. She decides to mow the lawn, gets distracted, and gets into an accident. She suffers multiple broken bones and a minor concussion but is able to crawl into the house, reach the telephone, and dial 911 to request an ambulance. She gets wheeled into the emergency room and the doctor enters.
Doctor: “Hello, [Aunt], can you tell me what happened?”
Aunt: “I was mowing the lawn and fell off the roof.”
Doctor: “Umm… I’m sorry, what was that?”
Aunt: “I was mowing the lawn, and I fell off the roof onto the driveway.”
Doctor: “How… Okay. What roof were you on?”
Aunt: “The house.”
Doctor: “Hmm. And what were you doing on the roof?”
Aunt: “Mowing the lawn.”
Doctor: “Okay, [Aunt]. I think we’ll start prepping for surgery now.”
My uncle makes it to the hospital while my aunt is in surgery, and the doctor comes out to update him.
Doctor: “[Aunt] is doing well. She has suffered a broken back, multiple broken ribs, a cracked pelvis, and a few broken bones in her legs. She also has a concussion. Fortunately, none of her internal organs seem to be damaged, and her spinal cord has not been damaged. She may have a permanent limp or similar mobility challenges, but I believe she will otherwise make a full recovery with enough time.”
Uncle: “Thank you.”
Doctor: “I do have to ask one thing, though. I’m not sure exactly what happened that caused these injuries. [Aunt] tried to explain, but I think she was confused because of the concussion. Do you have any idea what might have happened?”
Uncle: “What did she say?”
Doctor: “She said she… Well, she said she fell off the roof while mowing the lawn.”
Uncle: *To himself* “Oh, so that’s why the lawn mower was in the driveway.”
Doctor: “Umm, [Uncle]?”
Uncle: “Well, she’s not wrong. We built our house into the side of a hill. We dug out the front of the hill and built a frame to keep the hill from collapsing. Then we built a house within the frame. The top and the other sides of the hill weren’t touched except for clearing some trees, so there’s still grass growing over the hill. We use a riding lawn mower to mow the lawn, which includes the hill that we dug out. [Aunt] must have been mowing the hill — which is basically our roof — and got distracted or something broke on the lawn mower, and she drove off the edge of the hill. I’ll bring in a picture of our house tomorrow to give you a better idea.”
The next day, my uncle did bring in a picture of the house, and the doctor was finally able to understand what my aunt meant when she said she was mowing the lawn and fell off the roof.
And now for the happy ending: my aunt did make a full recovery, with only a slight limp today. However, she has been banned from mowing the lawn ever since!
You Got Grass Growing On Your Roof?
ALBERTA, CANADA, FUNNY, HOME, SPOUSES & PARTNERS | ROMANTIC | JUNE 4, 2021
We live under the flight path of a nearby small airport. Once in a while, there is an unusual engine noise and we see a vintage plane of one type or another.
On Friday, it was very cloudy. I heard a plane flying quite low. I commented on that to my husband. He just looked at me.
Not Healthy, Not Working, And So Not Okay
BOSSES & OWNERS, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 19, 2021
My family has a history of anxiety, depression, and OCD. I have had anxiety my entire life and it seems to have manifested as early as three years old, but I’ve never really needed medication for it as I coped with meditation and therapy. I had some slight OCD tendencies but compared to my sister and grandmother I never really thought I had it because it wasn’t “that bad”.
I also developed PTSD during the global health crisis because my boss at the time isolated me and wouldn’t let me speak to any of my coworkers and generally refused to let me do my job while screaming at me for two to four hours a day about how we need to do our jobs. Basically, she threatened me with my job during a global health crisis, while going out of her way to make it so I couldn’t do my job, to cover up her own inadequacies.
After experiencing symptoms six months later, I finally go to a psychiatrist, who diagnoses me. I later go to see a doctor, as being stressed out for so long can affect your physical health and I want to get fully better.
General Practitioner: “So, any new medication since we last spoke?”
Me: “Actually, yes, I am on 20 mg of fluoxetine.”
General Practitioner: “What are you taking it for?”
“Ignore It Until It Goes Away” Doesn’t Work With Everything
HEALTH & BODY, HOME, HOSPITAL, INDONESIA, PATIENTS | HEALTHY | JUNE 17, 2021
I have mild chronic gastritis. I also have a slight deformation on my hip so I often feel pain in my lower back and hip. The pain I feel from those two conditions can be bad, but thankfully not often. I also have a high pain threshold because of them.
One day in late November, I started feeling discomfort in my stomach but I couldn’t really pinpoint where exactly. I disregarded it as just one of my two issues, so I started taking my usual medicine and kept an eye on my diet. The pain came and went for a full month. I didn’t really think about it since I was busy with a project and I had already bought a concert ticket. Project ended, concert attended, and the pain still lingered.
Finally, on New Year’s Eve, the pain was unbearable, so I told my sister who’s a doctor. She came by and did a quick check.
Sister: “Pack your bag, and I’ll call our parents to take you to the ER.”
It turned out that I had a swollen appendix. It was only hours away from rupturing. I ended up having to watch the New Year’s Eve fireworks through a hospital window, with an IV drip and some stitches on my tummy.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is a reminder to never ignore any pain you feel in your body.
Poison Oak Is Natural But It Still Itches Like Crazy!
HEALTH & BODY, NORTHERN IRELAND, ONLINE, STRANGERS, UK | HEALTHY | JUNE 13, 2021
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.
A few years ago, my wife experimented with a certain brand of mycoprotein-based products. The first time we ate some, I became ill with vomiting and stomach cramps. I foolishly assumed that these were caused by something else, but the second time we ate some, it happened again and we very quickly realised I was sensitive to mycoprotein-based products, a phenomenon which is pretty well documented.
About nine months ago, I saw a Facebook advert for this particular brand and commented, saying that while I thought this product was a great idea, regrettably, I was sensitive to mycoprotein-based products so would have to avoid eating them.
Then, I got THIS reply from a random Facebook user I don’t even know.
Stranger: “Well, you’re clearly an idiot, then. You can’t get ill from [product]. It’s natural. NATURAL PRODUCTS DON’T MAKE YOU ILL!”
I didn’t have the heart to point out to her that latex, peanuts, kiwi fruit, and eggs are all-natural and can ALL trigger serious allergic reactions.
Like I say, this phenomenon is pretty well documented, and in some cases, people have eaten mycoprotein and ended up in ICU! I’m not really sure what this woman on Facebook was thinking.
A Red-Letter Day
FUNNY, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA, WORDPLAY | HEALTHY | JUNE 10, 2021
I work in medical reception. Recently, we had to reschedule some patients from one doctor, and we had a nurse practitioner available that day to take the patients that the doctor couldn’t. I was on the phone with a patient, who was very (understandably) upset because there were no other medical doctors with immediate openings to see them.
Patient: *Frustrated* “I don’t care if it’s an MD or a PhD; I just need to see a doctor!”
While this situation in itself was far from funny, I had a hard time keeping myself from laughter. A couple of days before, my English teacher had gone on quite a tangent about how he doesn’t like being called “Doctor,” because, obviously, having a PhD in English, he is not medically qualified.
Teacher: “If you’re sick, I’m probably going to just let you die.”
Personally, no matter how bad my medical condition was, I’d take that NP over that PhD any day.
This Clerk Will Have You Feeling Blue
EMPLOYEES, GERMANY, LIARS/SCAMMERS, MONEY, PHARMACY | HEALTHY | JUNE 7, 2021
I hurt my knee really badly when I am about fourteen, and I have to get a bandage to wear during the day so as to not put too much strain on it. I get a prescription and am told it will be free.
I go to the pharmacy with my father and go ahead so he can park the car. I show my prescription.
Clerk: “Yes, let me get you fitted, and then you’ll pay sixteen euro for your bandage.”
Me: *Surprised* “But I was told it would be free.”
Clerk: “No, this is sixteen euro, sorry.”
My father comes in and I tell him what the clerk said. The clerk speaks up again.
Clerk: “We also have one that is free, but it would be a bit different.”
I ended up getting the one for free, and you know what the difference was? It was grey instead of blue. I was supposed to pay sixteen euro to have a bandage of a different color. I only realised much later that the clerk was trying to take advantage of my inexperience as a fourteen-year-old and only caved when my father came. I am still shocked at the audacity, years later.
He Officially Wins At Excuses
CHICAGO, FUNNY, HEALTH & BODY, ILLINOIS, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 4, 2021
I graduated massage school in 1986 and promptly started working at a place in a very well-to-do town. We had acupuncture, chiropractic, and other modalities, as well as massage therapy.
I quickly developed a roster of regulars with standing weekly appointments. One particular fellow was my standing Tuesday 6:00 pm for years. He was always right on time, impeccably dressed, the model of a perfect executive. (Nice guy, too.)
But one Tuesday, [Regular] didn’t come in and didn’t call. With most people, I would have assumed they’d just flaked, but [Regular] had never flaked on anything in his life. I was concerned.
It turned out that [Regular] had gone in to have a lipoma removed — I knew he had it, of course — and during what should have been very minor surgery, his heart stopped. They had to resuscitate him.
He called the next day.
Regular: “Sorry I missed my appointment yesterday. I was dead.”
¡Que Embarazada!, Part 2
COLORADO, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, NURSES, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 1, 2021
My friend has recently given birth to her daughter and is at the doctor’s office for the baby’s one-week checkup. She obviously hasn’t had her stomach “bounce” back yet. The nurse comes in and takes one look at her belly.
Nurse: “How are you already pregnant again! Didn’t you just give birth?!”
¡Que Embarazada!
CALIFORNIA, FRIENDS, HOME, PHONE, USA, WORDPLAY | FRIENDLY | FEBRUARY 17, 2020
(My dad has worked with a man from El Salvador for many years, and they have become close friends. When this friend first moved to the US, he took classes to improve his English skills, but in the meantime, the language barrier led to a lot of funny misunderstandings between him and my dad. They got used to laughing together about all the little ways both English and Spanish can be confusing. My dad learned a bit of Spanish from his friend but never enough to really understand a whole conversation. One Father’s Day, my dad thinks it would be nice to call his friend and wish him a happy holiday, and he thinks it would be extra nice to say it in Spanish.)
Dad: “Hey, I just wanted to wish you a happy Father’s Day! Feliz papa Dios!”
Friend: *laughing uncontrollably*
Dad: “What? Didn’t I say it right?”
Friend: “You meant, ‘Feliz Día del Padre.’ What you actually said was–” *pauses to laugh* “–’Happy potato God!’”
Dad: *laughing, too* “Well, I was pretty close!”
Friend: “‘Papá’ with the accent on the end means ‘dad,’ but the way you said it with the accent at the beginning, it means ‘potato.’ And ‘día’ means ‘day,’ but ‘Dios’ means ‘God’!”
Dad: *smiling, shrugs* “Well, at least you knew what I meant!”
Friend: “Somehow I always do!”
(Now it has become a tradition that my dad has to call his friend every year on Father’s Day and wish him “Happy Potato God!” When my sister and I call our dad on Father’s Day, we tell him the same.)
Cancel My Previous Statement
RETAIL | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 8, 2015
(I work at a well-known retail store. We work with pin-pads for debit and credit. I like to walk people through each step, because if you select the wrong thing you’ll have to slide the card again and this annoys customers.)
Customer: *swipes card*
Me: “Now if you could select debit or credit.”
Customer: *selects debit*
Me: “Now then—”
Customer: “EXCUSE ME! I’M NOT STUPID! I don’t need you to walk me through this. I know how to do it!”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t mean—”
Customer: “I use my card all the time. I think I KNOW HOW TO USE A PIN-PAD!”
(I decide to let it go. I don’t talk again until I look at the screen.)
Me: “Um, excuse me, ma’am—”
Customer: “WHAT!”
Me: “Did you find something wrong with the price?”
Customer: “No. Why?”
Me: “Because you just cancelled the entire transaction.”
Singleminded Surcharge
RETAIL, STUPID, USA | RIGHT | JULY 11, 2008
(I work in an electrical department. At this time, a woman is looking at a light display.)
Me: “Are you finding everything alright?”
Customer: “Yes. Where is this?”
(I lead her to the box, on an end cap. It’s a two-fixtures-for-the-price-of-one thing.)
Customer: “Oh, there’s two in there…”
Me: “Yes. But the price is the same as on the display, so you get an extra for spare parts or whatever.”
Customer: “Well, I only want one!”
Me: “You can always just sell the spare on a garage sale or something. Or if you’re like me, you might break the glass someday and so you’ll have a spare.”
Customer: “I only want one!”
Me: “…”
(The customer proceeded to pick out a nearly-identical looking fixture that was about three times the price–all because she only wanted one.)
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