Have A Heart, Use Your Brain

One’s Green And The Other Makes You Green
PHARMACY | RIGHT | OCTOBER 10, 2011
Customer: “Hi, I’m calling to see if you have cholera pills in stock.”

Me: “I beg your pardon? Cholera is a contagious disease.”

Customer: “No, it’s not! I’m looking for cholera pills!”

Me: “Um, do you mean the natural supplement Chlorella?”

Customer: “That’s what I said! Cholera! It’s spelled C-H-L-O-R-E-L-L-A. Cholera. I am looking for a large bottle if you have it.”

Me: *gives up* “Yeah, sure. We happen to have a few bottles of cholera in stock.”

Customer: “I’ll be there in five minutes!”

Run Artificial Stupidity Program
PHARMACY | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 27, 2011
(Our pharmacy phone system is down, so all pharmacy calls are going through the main line, which is answered by me. These calls include people trying to reach the automated prescription line.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [store], where we offer flu shots every day. This is [name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “You’re not a machine.”

Me: “No. If you were trying to reach the automated line, the phones are down. I can connect you to the pharmacist.”

Customer: “I want the automated system. People are dumb!”

Not So Modest Aspirations
PHARMACY | RIGHT | AUGUST 25, 2011
(I’m speaking with a three year old girl as I serve her mother.)

Me: “Do you like the pharmacy? Do you think you will be a pharmacist when you grow up?”

Girl: “No! I will be a dancer!”

Me: “Oh, a dancer! That’s nice! Like in a dance group?”

Girl: “No! On the pole!”

D Is For Definitely Shiny
HOLIDAYS, NEW JERSEY, PHARMACY, RETAIL, STUPID, USA | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 16, 2011
(A customer walks to my register with a Halloween decoration in tow. It’s a cheap cardboard statue of a cartoon-looking black cat covered in a shiny plastic material.)

Customer: “So, why is this 3D?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

(I peer at the tag. It says “3D Cat.”)

Me: “Oh, that’s because it’s 3D.”

Customer: “No, I mean why is it ‘D’? Is it because it’s shiny?”

(A multitude of thoughts are racing through my head at this point. I debate the prospect of explaining to her what 3D actually means. In the end, I decide it’s easier to just agree with her.)

Me: “Exactly! It’s really sparkly and that’s why it’s called a 3D cat. Would you like to purchase it?”

Customer: “Oh, definitely!”

What’s Your Poison
PHARMACY | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 15, 2011
(I’m a pharmacist in a rural area. A shop assistant calls me out from the dispensary to talk to a customer, who is a slightly intoxicated middle aged woman.)

Customer: “This medicine made my partner sick! Violently sick!”

Me: “Let me see. Has he had any alcohol?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Are you sure? Not even a little?”

Customer: “He doesn’t drink. Maybe only a little, but he wasn’t drunk.”

Me: “It clearly says on the label that you must not drink any alcohol while being treated with this medicine.”

Customer: “But he didn’t drink much at all. A beer shouldn’t matter, should it?”

Me: “It contains enough alcohol to–”

Customer: “But, like, you can even drive if you only drink a beer!”

Me: “That has nothing to do with–”

Customer: “I think he’d better not take this medicine. It made him violently sick!”

Me: “I think he should–”

Customer: “Thanks, I’ll tell him what you said. This medicine is a poison!” *turns around and walks out*

Have You Tried Dihydrogen Monoxide, Part 3
PHARMACY | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 9, 2011
(I am standing in line at the pharmacy counter and a man rudely cuts in front of me, stating that he has been waiting in line, just in another part of the store. He assures me he’ll be quick, but I don’t buy his excuse. The following exchange occurs between him and the pharmacist.)

Customer: “I need to speak to a pharmacist immediately.”

Pharmacist: “Do you have a question about your medication?”

Customer: “Yes, it says on the bottle to take with water. I don’t drink water. Water makes you fat.”

Pharmacist: “Um, water is essential for your body, especially with those pills.”

Customer: “What about water retention? Will I just pee it out, then?”

Pharmacist: “Yeah, your body will eventually eliminate it. You should drink water, though. Your body needs plenty of water to work well, and you really don’t want to be dehydrated while on this drug.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll try it. Oh, and one more question. What about alcohol? Can I still have my alcohol?”



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8
Take Two Werewolves And Call Me In The Morning
PHARMACY | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 8, 2011
(I have just given a customer his prescription and am explaining to him the directions.)

Me: “So, just take two of these with water at night.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks. Wait, I work at night…should I take these in the day time?”

Me: “Yes, just take them before bed.”

Customer: “Okay, so they aren’t activated by the moon or anything?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: *slight disbelief* “Hmm, okay…” *turns around and leaves*

I’ll Take An Album Cover For 7000
PHARMACY | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 4, 2011
(I work in the OTC section of a well-known pharmacy chain. I’m stocking the shelves in an aisle when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I’ve looked all over here. Where are your hemorrhoid wipes?”

Me: “Oh, those are actually down on Aisle 20.”

Customer: “Really? Why are they over there and not in this aisle with the rest of the anal care?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Anal care!” *points at the aisle’s sign*

(The sign she was pointing at? “Analgesics”.)

It’s The Small Victories
PHARMACY | RIGHT | JANUARY 21, 2012
(I’ve been working for a quite a while, so my voice is scratchy. Near the end of my shift, an old man comes to the counter.)

Customer: “Hm. You’re losing your voice there, eh?”

Me: “Haha. A little bit, I suppose.”

Customer: “Well, that’s the end of the world for a woman.”

Me: “Ha ha…” *confused as to where he’s going with this*

Customer: “HAHAHA, YOU CAN’T YELL AT ME!” *does a victory dance*

The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 5
PHARMACY | RIGHT | JANUARY 2, 2012
Customer: “Do you have any fecal heart monitors?”

Me: “Uh…what?”

Customer: “You know, to hear the baby while it’s still in the womb?”

Me: “That would be a fetal heart monitor. Right this way…”

Photo-synthesise A Cure
PHARMACY | RELATED | DECEMBER 17, 2011
(A mother has her sick three-year-old with her. She needs help finding medicine.)

Me: “What symptoms are you trying to treat?”

Mother: “Well, her nose…and, um, her eyes, uh… Hang on.”

(The customer digs in her purse and pulls out a photo.)

Mother: “Here’s a picture of what my daughter normally looks like, and look at her now. She’s really sick. What do you recommend?”

A Real Pain In The Rear
PHARMACY | RIGHT | DECEMBER 14, 2011
(An elderly gentleman approaches me at the counter.)

Me: “How may I help you, sir?”

Customer: “My butt hurts! I need medicine!”

Me: “All right, do you have a prescription? Or, can you tell me what exactly is wrong so that I can recommend you something that doesn’t need one?”

Customer: “I don’t know what’s wrong. But my butt hurts!”

Me: “Please go see a doctor then, sir. Without knowing what causes your pain, there’s little I can do.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to wait at the doctor’s together with all the sick people! I’ll catch a disease or something!”

Me: “That’s understandable. Maybe you could go early in the morning when fewer people are there?”

Customer: “No! I don’t want to! I want you to tell me what’s wrong! Look at my butt!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but we don’t do that–”

(The man doesn’t listen. In front of me and three other customers, he drops his pants and underwear, turns around and sticks out his butt in my direction.)

Me: “Sir, please pull up your pants again! I can’t tell what’s wrong and you will have to leave if you don’t stop that!”

Customer: “Nonsense! If you can’t tell what’s wrong from over there, come closer and get a better look!”

(My boss then comes to look at what’s going on and ends up kicking the guy out.)

Customer: *on the way out the door* “Why will no one look at my butt?!”

A Warm And Full(filling) Night In
PHARMACY | RIGHT | DECEMBER 9, 2011
(A man in his mid-30’s approaches the register. I notice that he looks a little grumpy about something.)

Me: “Hello!”

Customer: “Hi.”

(It is at this point that I notice that he only has two items to ring up: a 20oz bottle of soda and an enema.)

Me: “How are you today?”

Customer: “I’m holding an enema, what do you think?!”

Me: *speechless*

(I ring him up silently. Poor guy, I hope he feels better!)

Not So Modest Aspirations
PHARMACY | RIGHT | AUGUST 25, 2011
(I’m speaking with a three year old girl as I serve her mother.)

Me: “Do you like the pharmacy? Do you think you will be a pharmacist when you grow up?”

Girl: “No! I will be a dancer!”

Me: “Oh, a dancer! That’s nice! Like in a dance group?”

Girl: “No! On the pole!”

Cost-Benefit Analysis
AUTO SHOP, PHARMACY | RIGHT | AUGUST 25, 2011
(A customer comes in to pick up his Viagra prescription. I’m trying not to be awkward and ring him up as if it’s any other order.)

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Customer: “My name is [name]. I need to pick up my prescription.”

Me: “That will be just a moment.”

(I get the man’s prescription and proceed to ring him up for it.)

Me: “Your total today comes out to [price].”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: *I repeat the price*

Customer: *mumbles* “Still cheaper than a hooker, I guess.” *pays and leaves*

Sleepless Sleep Aids
PHARMACY | RIGHT | AUGUST 24, 2011
(A woman comes to the counter.)

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I see you’ve got [sleep aid]. Does it come in a non-drowsy version?”

Two Halves Make A Hole In Your Brain
PHARMACY | RIGHT | AUGUST 22, 2011
Me: “Thank you for calling the pharmacy, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like you to check how much my prescriptions are. My name is [name].”

Me: “You have two prescriptions waiting for you. Each one is $2.50.”

Customer: “So, how much does each one cost?”

Me: “$2.50 each.”

Customer: “So, one is $2.50. How much is the other one?”

Me: “Each of your two prescriptions is $2.50.”

Customer: “So, if I give you $5, how much will my change be?”

Me: “Nothing.”

Customer: *hangs up*

Recipe For Disaster
PHARMACY | RIGHT | JULY 14, 2011
(A customer comes up to the pharmacy counter. Keep in mind, Sudafed (pseudoephedrine) is controlled in all 50 states as it is used to make methamphetamine.)

Customer: “I need some Sudafed.”

Me: “Did you want Sudafed or [store brand]?”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Me: “The active ingredient is the same but sometimes they change the inactive ingredients. It still works the same though. Plus, [store brand] is about 5 bucks cheaper.”

Customer: “The recipe said I need Sudafed.”

Me: “…”

Customer: *realizing what she said* “Um, s***. Never mind, I got to go.”

Thinking Too Highly Of Those Eye Drops
BAD BEHAVIOR, DRUGS, IOWA, PHARMACY, USA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 14, 2020
I am a cashier at a large chain pharmacy. A customer comes up to my register with a bag of chips, a Mountain Dew, and a box of eye drops, specifically eye-whitening eye drops. He is very clearly stoned.

Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

Customer: “Yeeaaaahhhh…”

I finish the transaction and then turn to a coworker.

Me: “I don’t know who he thinks he’s fooling, buying those eye drops.”

Coworker: “Yeah, his eyes aren’t the only giveaway!”

Unfiltered Story #207931
CONNECTICUT, PHARMACY, USA | UNFILTERED | SEPTEMBER 10, 2020
(At the pharmacy I work at, we sell cold medicines that contain pseudophedrine (PSE) behind the counter. The reason is because the PSE in the medicine can be used to make meth, and we have a special statewide system in place, just for the sale of PSE cold medicine. This involves scanning a license, entering work ID number, and having the customer sign a statement they will not use it to make meth. A woman approaches the counter while I’m ringing, with groceries. We also do regular store items at the pharmacy registers.)
Woman: **points to a box of cold medicine off to the side** That one’s mine, I’m ready to check out now (occasionally, a pharmacist or store associate will put a restricted item aside until they’re ready to check out, this itself isn’t so weird.)
me: sure, do you have your ID on you?
Woman: Yes, here it is **hands me her ID**
(I scan the medicine, and her ID, and I get a system down error. This occasionally happens, and we’re not allowed to sell it until the systems back up)
Me: I’m sorry, our system’s acting up today. I’ll try it again in a few minutes.
(I scan her groceries, and try the cold medicine again. I get a little further in the process, but it still comes up system down.)
Me: Sorry, it’s still acting weird, do you have a [rewards member card] while we’re here? (I scan the card, the cold medicine, and it finally appears to be going through)
Me: Alright ma’am, it went through, you can pay with your card now. (As soon as I hit the buttons to run her debit card, the final check for authorization, it says system error and refuses the sale.)
Me: I’m sorry ma’am, but our system is still down, I’m afraid I can’t sell it to you right now. (the woman, who has been fairly patient up to this point, suddenly gets very irritable).
Woman: What do you mean you can’t sell it?
me: The system we use to sell cold medicine is down right now, we can try again later.
Woman: I’m sick right now, I need this medicine, my doctor said I could get this medication in place of a script, what am I supposed to do now?! (note: even if the doctor did write a prescription for her, we would still be doing the same process, as most insurance companies don’t cover over-the-counter supplies, and writing a script would be useless.)
Me: I understand ma’am, but our system is still down. you could come back in say an hour, and we might be back up by then.
**The woman rolls her eyes and scowls as I suggest waiting**
Woman: Can’t you get the pharmacist to do something about it?
Me: It’s a system error, they don’t have the power to override something like this.
Woman: cant they ring me up out front? (This is illegal, by the way, and I could lose my job by ringing it out upfront)
Me: No, they don’t have the system required to sell this.
woman: Can’t you do ANYTHING to override it? Maybe sell it outside the system? (What she’s suggesting is even more illegal, and is considered a felony in some states)
Me: I’m sorry, but there really isn’t anything I can do besides trying again later.
Woman: I can’t try again later, this has been a waste of my time! Cancel everything else, except the milk.
(As I’m removing the other groceries from her sale, she keeps going on about how I wasted her time. It took longer to void out her items than it did for me to explain that our system wasn’t working. I finally finish removing the items from her order, and ring her out for the milk.)
Me: *handing her the receipt* thank you have a- *she snatches the receipt out of my hand and walks away*

Three’s Company, But It’s Also A Family
AUSTRALIA, HOBART, INSPIRATIONAL, NON-DIALOGUE, PHARMACY, TASMANIA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 7, 2020
It’s a busy morning and we have multiple customers waiting for prescriptions.

Once one of them is ready, I call out the surname on it. Three women simultaneously step forward to claim it, and immediately, all three look confused. I then call out the first name and one of the women steps back. I now have two confused women laying claim to the prescription, which is marginally better than three.

After a few moments of conversation, we work out what is happening.

Of the three women, two shared a surname but not a first name, and two shared a first name but not the surname. Additionally, the third lady’s surname was similar enough to the other two that it was easily mistaken if you weren’t paying close enough attention, e.g. if two of the women were named Smith, the third was named Smits.

As if this wasn’t enough of a coincidence, the two women who shared a surname (who had never met) realised that they were distantly related by marriage and quickly struck up a new friendship, agreeing to meet later on for coffee.

In well over a decade of working in the industry, I’ve never had such a coincidence!

And yes, all three ladies eventually got their own correct prescription and they all went on their merry ways.