They Ruled With An Iron(ic) Fist
SCHOOL | LEARNING | AUGUST 26, 2013
Teacher: “Tell us about Stalin.”
Student: “Well, he was Russian—”
Teacher: “No, he wasn’t! He was born in Georgia. Georgia’s not Russia, even though both countries would be part of the Soviet Union…”
(The teacher goes on a five-minute rant about not treating Russia as a synonym of the USSR.)
Teacher: “It’s really awful! This is the umpteenth time I find such level of ignorance in England.”
Student: “I’m sorry, teacher, but we’re in Wales, and Wales is not in England, even though they’re both in the UK, just like Georgia’s not in Russia, even though they were both part of the USSR!”
Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition, Part 4
COPY SHOP | RIGHT | JULY 12, 2011
(On our self serve copiers, the customer must press a button on the screen indicating whether or not they’re finished copying. If they press “YES” they receive a receipt to take to the cashier.)
Customer: “I’ve never used these before!”
Me: “Not to worry, it’s really easy.”
(I proceed to give her the run down, including telling her not to press the “YES” button until she’s done with all of her copying for this visit. The customer proceeds to make one copy and press “YES”.)
Customer: “What? I don’t want a receipt yet!”
Me: “Well, ma’am, you just told it you were done making copies. Next time, press the ‘NO’ button if you still have more to make.”
(The customer proceeds to make another copy and presses “YES”.)
Customer: “Stupid machines!”
Me: “Ma’am, if you aren’t done, you should press ‘NO’.”
Customer: “I know! I know! I know! I know what I’m doing! I’ve just never used this machine before!”
(I finally gave up trying and went back to my work. She eventually came up to my register with over a dozen copy receipts, complaining how stupid the machines were.)
Only Filthy Thing Is The Attitude
APARTMENT COMPLEX | WORKING | JUNE 3, 2014
(I am moving out of my apartment. I am 24 years old. There is a maintenance worker at the complex who is going to come in and do a quick inspection before I leave. I’m a fairly disorganized guy, but I am able to spend the entire day, from eight am to four pm, cleaning up the apartment and getting it in a good condition before I leave. It isn’t perfect, but it is definitely in a good condition and doesn’t need any major repairs. Finally, at about four pm, the maintenance guy comes in. He walks in clearly already in a huffy, nasty mood, and looks around the apartment with a nasty scowl on his face the entire time. After he is finished, he calls me into the kitchen.)
Me: “How’s the place? It’s not perfect, but I don’t see anything too wrong with it.”
Maintenance Worker: “This place is filthy! Don’t you kids know how to clean? This is pitiful.”
(I look around. Not to toot my own horn, but it was pretty darned clean. Easily the cleanest I’ve ever seen an apartment that was lived in by a single male in his mid 20s.)
Me: “Uh… it looks okay to me.”
Maintenance Worker: “You clearly didn’t clean at all! I don’t think your security deposit will even begin to cover everything that needs to be done!”
Me: “I’m sorry, but what EXACTLY is wrong with it? I spent eight hours straight cleaning, and even had a friend over earlier helping me out.”
(He doesn’t respond for several moments. He is clearly straining to think of something to say.)
Maintenance Worker: “Well, uh… there’s a stain on the carpet! That’s going to eat up your entire security deposit alone!”
(I look. There is an ever-so-slight stain on the carpet that is so faint, I hadn’t even noticed it.)
Me: “I can’t tell if it is a stain, or if it is just a damp-spot because I cleaned the carpet earlier.”
Maintenance Worker: *becoming huffy* “I also saw [Breakfast Cereal] on the floor of the kitchen here! You didn’t sweep! THERE IS [Breakfast Cereal] EVERYWHERE!”
(I look around, because I had indeed swept and the floor was spotless. There is no Breakfast Cereal on the floor. I sigh, realizing that he is having a bad day and is just trying to come up with an excuse to not give me back my deposit.)
Maintenance Worker: “Do you KNOW how much it costs us to clean up [Breakfast Cereal] off the floor?!”
Me: “Yeah… it doesn’t cost anything.”
(He huffs and puffs and continues to come up with completely fabricated examples of how ‘filthy’ the apartment is. He also tries to blame me for plumbing problems with the complex that clearly aren’t my fault, since they existed before I moved in and I had even complained about them previously. He finally leaves without so much as a good-bye, muttering to himself about how I was a ‘sloppy little kid.’ Frustrated, I go to the office to return my key, because I want to get out as soon as possible, and don’t want to deal with him any more. The secretary glares at me as I return my key.)
Secretary: “Why are you giving me the key? You’re supposed to be here over the weekend.”
Me: “What?”
Secretary: “The maintenance guy told me you agreed to come in Saturday and Sunday to clean out your apartment more, because he said it was filthy. Of course, this means that you’re going to have to pay us for the extra time you’re here, since you’ll technically have to rent out the apartment an extra few days. So you’re going to need to bring us a check for $25 to cover the weekend.”
Me: “I NEVER agreed to come in over the weekend, and my apartment is not ‘filthy.’ You won’t be getting any more money because I’m returning the key today. My lease is up today, and I am leaving today.”
Secretary: “Why would you lie to the maintenance worker? He said you told him you’d come in to clean the apartment, and even shook hands over it.”
Me: “I most certainly did not. He was being absolutely mean when he did my inspection, over-exaggerated everything, and blamed me for problems that didn’t exist.”
Secretary: “He wouldn’t lie to me. I know you told him you’d come in this weekend!”
Me: *throwing the key on the desk in front of her* “If this is how you’re going to treat someone who always paid rent on time, and went out of my way to be friendly, then I want nothing to do with this complex. And you better not keep my security deposit, because there’s nothing wrong with the apartment!”
Secretary: “How will you get into your apartment tomorrow to clean then? And remember, we need a check for $25!”
Me: “No, I’m moving out today. You won’t be getting a check! And I won’t be in tomorrow to clean! I can’t make this any clearer! I’m gone today!”
Secretary: “Fine! But if your place is filthy, expect to be contacted by a lawyer, because we’ll expect you to cover the cost of cleaning if your security deposit doesn’t cover the cost entirely!”
(I left. About a month later, I got my security deposit back, almost completely in full, because- surprise, surprise -there wasn’t much of anything wrong with the apartment.)
(Ph)Owned
RETAIL | WORKING | JUNE 18, 2012
(My two sisters and I work together. One of my sisters gets migraines and has missed a lot of work. She also happens to be a very close friend of the owner’s son.)
Manager: “If your sister misses another day of work, I’m firing all three of you.”
Me: “I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”
Manager: “Nope. I can fire you any time I want. I can fire you right now if I feel like it!”
(The owner’s son has actually been standing quietly behind the manager with his cellphone in hand.)
Owner’s Son: “Hey [manager], I got my dad on the phone here. He heard what you just said and he’d like to have a word with you…”
(The manager turns bright red and walks away, holding the phone to his ear. The owner’s son turns to me with a big smile.)
Owner’s Son: “Tell your sister I said get well soon!”
Closing The Windows On This Scam
RETAIL | WORKING | AUGUST 11, 2015
(We commonly get random sales calls at work, but as we’re a company chain store, we usually give the corporate number and that’s that. For the past four days, though, we have gotten a scam call from an 800 number that ends with four zeros at the end, which is how we have kept track of it. He has a strong accent, gives random male names, and always says he is with tech and calling about our computer.)
Me: “[Store], this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”
Tech: “Hi, this is Kevin. I am calling about your computer.”
Me: *rolls eyes at coworkers and mouths that it’s him again* “Yes, what about the computer?”
Tech: “Yes, your computer is having problems.”
Me: “Oh, really? What kind of problems are you talking about?”
Tech: “Well, when you are getting on the Internet, you are having problems.”
Me: “Hmm, no, really haven’t. Can you explain what you mean?”
Tech: *getting frustrated* When you are getting on the Facebook and your emails, you are getting things that are slowing your computer down. Are you seeing things like that?”
Me: “Nope, haven’t seen a thing.”
Tech: “Well, that is what is happening. Are you sitting in front of your computer?”
Me: “I am.”
Tech: “Is this computer on?”
Me: “No. Should I turn it on?”
Tech: “Yes, I need for you to turn it on for me.”
Me: “It’ll take a little bit.”
(I’m nowhere near a computer, so I stand to the side writing down everything that he’s said to me so far.)
Me: “Okay, it’s on now.”
Tech: “Is it on the Windows?”
Me: “Windows? No. We have it on the desk.”
Tech: “I mean do you have Windows on your computer?”
Me: “No, I don’t believe in that modding nonsense for computers.”
Tech: *getting frustrated again* “Is your computer run by Windows?”
Me: “Oh! You mean is my operating system Windows! Yes, it is.”
Tech: “Yes, then do you see your keyboard?”
Me: “I see it.”
Tech: “Do you see your control key?”
Me: “Yes, what about it?”
Tech: “Do you see what’s beside it?”
Me: “The control key? There’s a shift.”
Tech: *getting angry again*“No, what is beside it.”
Me: “Well, there’s a key that looks like a menu item. That one?”
Tech: “No! On the left side control key.”
Me: “Oh! You mean my Windows key! Yeah, I see it.”
Tech: “I need you to press this down and ‘R’ at the same time.”
Me: “Okay, why do I need to do that?”
Tech: “This will open up this black box so you can type run in there. Is this black box up?”
Me: “No, I don’t have a black box up. What was I supposed to do again?”
Tech: “You need to be pressing the Windows key and the R key at the same time.”
Me: “Oh, you must want me to prompt a run command. Is that what you mean for me to do?”
Tech: “Yes—”
Me: “—and then you’re going to tell me how to give you access to my computer next. Of course, if my computer was actually running slow, I could always go into the BIOS to check things. Or I could get the TDSSKiller. Or run Spybot, or a number of other programs. However, I don’t think I have a problem. I think you just want remote access to my computer so you can still hard earned money from me. Luckily for me, I’m not stupid. You’re calling a company phone, so even if I did run that command, you wouldn’t have gotten anything from us. I will be notifying the necessary people about you and your scam. This number will be posted up so customers will know in advance you are a scam artist, and if you call here again, we are not going to be this nice to you. Do not call this number again.”
Tech: “You are an idiot.”
Me: “And you’re just angry that it didn’t work.” *click*
The Customers Are The Biggest Pest
CALL CENTER | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 6, 2015
(I recently started training for a pest control company setting up free inspections for ants, spiders, rodents, etc. This older gentleman is one of my very first calls.)
Caller: “I think there’s something in my crawl space and I need to know what it is!”
Me: “Okay, I would be happy to get a free technician out to identify what’s down there and give you a solution.”
Caller: “You can’t just tell me what it is?”
Me: “No, sir… We would need to get eyes on it to know what it is.”
Caller: *urgently* “Oh, no, that won’t do at all. I NEED to know what it is!”
Me: “In all honesty, sir, bugs and pests are so varied that no one but a tech would be able to diagnose that.”
Caller: “Can I talk to a tech then?”
Me: “They’re out in the field currently, but they truly would need to see the pest and the conditions in order to hel—”
Caller: “Oh, that just won’t work. I’ll call someone else!” *click*
Trainer: “Who’s he going to call?! Psychic Pest Control?”
Finally, Mayonnaise That Burns Calories
RUDE & RISQUE, SANDWICH SHOP, USA | RIGHT | MAY 18, 2009
(A lady comes into our sandwich shop and orders a sub. Everything is normal until…)
Customer: “Could I get mayonnaise?”
Me: “Sure”.
(I put the mayonnaise on the sandwich.)
Customer: *orgasm noise* “Mooooore.”
Me: “Okay…”
Customer: *orgasm noise* “More mayonnaise!”
(I honestly think a little bit of my spirit died that day.)
A Funny Resolution
GAS STATION, HOLIDAYS, MASSACHUSETTS, ONE-LINER, USA | WORKING | DECEMBER 17, 2012
(I am working the New Year’s Eve to New Year’s Day graveyard shift. A man comes in at 12:15 am.)
Can’t Kiss Them Goodbye
RIGHT | APRIL 30, 2016
(I’m a woman at a store with my girlfriend. While we’re giving each other the occasional kiss, it’s nothing too obnoxious. Another customer sees us and storms over.)
Customer: “I don’t care what you two [slurs] do at home, but this is being out in public. There could be kids here!”
Me: “Sir, we’re not doing anything remotely wrong.”
Customer: “Keep saying that, [slur]! I’ll get you kicked out!”
Girlfriend: “What’s your problem? We haven’t done anything to you!”
Customer: “You f****s are all the same. First you demand equality, then you attack us, then you cry out when we retaliate. You all should be rounded up and killed!”
Me: “Uhm, sir, all we’ve done is kiss. If that’s so offensive, then you can leave.”
Customer: “F*** you, you f**** [slur]! Go to h***!”
(We run and get an employee, who calls a manager over. We tell him what happened, and the customer comes over.)
Customer: “You! Manager! I demand you remove these two [slurs] at once!”
Manager: “No. They have done nothing disruptive. You, however, need to get out.”
Customer: “What?! But I’m straight! These two f***s are gonna terrorize this place! You have to kick them out!”
Manager: “Get out before I call security.”
Customer: “If you won’t kick them out, I will!”
(The customer lunges for me and my girlfriend. The employee suddenly grabs his collar and yanks him away from us. The manager starts calling security over while the guy keeps screaming at us.)
Customer: “YOU TWO [slurs] SHOULD BE KILLED! BEHEADED!”
Manager: “Please quiet down; there are kids in the store.” *he turns to me and my girlfriend* “Are you two okay?”
Me: “Yeah, we’re both fine.”
(Security arrived and tried to drag him out. He kept trying to get us, eventually turning to the officers. The police were called, and the manager took us to his office to wait. The police showed up soon after. We gave our statements, and then watched the guy get arrested. Apparently he’d assaulted other people, and threatened to kill ‘those f***s’ several times.)
Not Feline This Sub
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT, SARCASM | RIGHT | APRIL 22, 2015
(I work in a popular sandwich shop.)
Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, I’d like a tuna sub please.”
(I make the sandwich and the customer pays and leaves. Forty minutes later the customer comes back with an oddly mulled sandwich.)
Customer: “Hi, I’d like to exchange this for a new sub.”
Me: “I’m sorry. Was there something wrong with the tuna?”
Customer: “No.”
Me: “Then what’s wrong with it?”
Customer: “I brought it home and went to get something done. I came back to the kitchen and my cat was on the table eating it.”
Me: *blinking in shock* “I’m sorry, sir, but we aren’t responsible for your pets eating your food…”
Customer: “YOU SHOULD REPLACE THIS! THE SANDWICH IS DAMAGED AND I CAN’T EAT IT! YOU SHOULD REPLACE IT!”
(I can be very sarcastic when annoyed.)
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we can’t. We can, however, see about getting your cat its own sub card.”
(The customer proceeded to throw the sub, which was filled with cat hair, on the counter and scream at my me, threatening to call corporate on me before storming out. If the cat was rating the sub we’d have gotten two paws up because most of it was gone.)
Double The 60Hz, Double The Fun
EDITORS' CHOICE, ELECTRONICS STORE, RUDE & RISQUE, TECHNOLOGY | RIGHT | JULY 6, 2009
(I notice an elderly couple in my department, browsing TVs.)
Me: “Welcome to [Electronics Store]. Is there anything I can help you find today?”
Husband: “Yes, we’re looking for a 46″ TV, but we aren’t sure what kind we need. Can you help us?”
Me: “Certainly. First off, what will you mostly be watching? Sports, movies, video games?”
Husband: “Mostly p*rn.”
Wife: “Oh, don’t tell him that!”
Me: “Well, then I suppose we’ll be needing an LCD with motion processing.”
Wife: “Why’s that?”
Me: “Well, we wouldn’t want it to blur during the good parts…”
Sharing His Alcohol Problem
LIQUOR STORE | RIGHT | MAY 7, 2014
(It’s about 1 pm when a clearly drunk and staggering man approaches me in the store. I am also a customer.)
Customer: “Hiya, pretty lady. Wanna go for a drink with me?”
Me: “Um… no, thank you. I’m very busy today and am happily married!”
Customer: “Well… too bad for you!”
(Moments later at the registers, I am in line with couple of customers behind me. The drunken customer stumbles up to them.)
Customer: “Do ya mind if I butt in line ‘ere?”
Other Customer: “Sorry, man. We were here first and the wait really isn’t that long.”
Customer: *pointing at me* “I just wanna stand next to her!”
(At this point I am having my things rung through at the till and exchange a worried glance with the cashier.)
Cashier: *to the drunken customer* “You wait your place in line, sir! Just like everybody else!” *quietly, to me, handing me my purchases* “You go on and get out of here. I’m sending someone out to get his plate number ‘cause he drove here and is clearly pretty intoxicated. Have a nice day. We’ll handle the creep!”
(I leave pretty quick and the drunk customer tries to follow me out, but is stopped by the manager. I didn’t hear what happened, but I am sure thankful the staff was keeping an eye out that afternoon!)
Going Whacko Over A Taco
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | APRIL 13, 2015
(I am working in the drive-thru, when a customer who is always missing food pulls up to the window.)
Me: “Your total is [total].”
Customer: “Can I have some sauce, too?”
Me: “Yeah, no problem.”
(That’s when I recognized him. I repeat his order and make sure there is absolutely nothing wrong and he agrees with me. I quadruple check the bag and show all the employee’s so everyone knows he got all his food. I even take a picture. He comes back in five minutes later.)
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, is there a problem?”
Customer: “Yeah, I didn’t get my taco.”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the taco was in the bag when I gave it to you.”
Customer: “Well, it’s not in there now.”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but when I handed you the food it was in there.”
Customer: “Well, where is it then? Cause it’s not in there.”
(He proceeds to show me the bag.)
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you must have taken it out because it was in there when I handed it to you.”
Customer: “Okay. Okay. I’ve seen you walking around, man. I’ll find you.”
(He really just threatened me. Like, wow. So I show him the picture.)
Customer: “…That’s not my food.”
Me: “Sorry, sir, it was. I just took it a couple minutes ago right before I gave you your food.”
Customer: *silence*
Me: “Now do you want to threaten me again, or do you want to leave?”
Addressing The Underlying Problem
RETAIL | RIGHT | AUGUST 20, 2015
(I have a customer who is trying to return an opened package of undergarments. Like the vast majority of retailers, for hygienic reasons, we have a final-sale policy on all underwear. I explain this to the customer.)
Customer: “I didn’t know that it was going to be final sale!”
Me: “That’s our return policy, ma’am. All underwear is final sale, no refunds, returns, or exchanges.”
Customer: “I’ve never heard or seen that policy anywhere!”
Me: “Ma’am, we have our policy written on this large sign right above my register, and it’s even printed on your receipt. You were given ample opportunity to read our policy.”
Customer: “Well, WHY would I WANT to read it?!”
(While I know that customers not reading signs is nothing new, this was my first time seeing someone show so much indignation over it. I found this to be incredibly annoying.)
Me: “Because you’re a very intelligent lady who makes informed decisions!”
(The customer took her underwear and quietly left my store.)
Driving Away Customers
COFFEE SHOP, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, PENNSYLVANIA, STUPID, USA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 6, 2017
(I’m getting coffee with a friend who works as a policeman. As we are sitting, a man leaves the shop, then immediately comes back in, furious.)
Customer: “My car is gone!”
(My friend identifies himself and steps outside with a coffee shop employee. They soon locate the car, which has rolled down the hill, hopped a barrier, and crashed into a concrete barrier.)
Customer: “[Coffee Shop] destroyed my car! I’m suing! I’ll own this place!”
(My friend calls for on duty officers and they arrive quickly. As soon as they investigate, there’s some issue.)
Officer: “Sir? Where did you park your car?”
Customer: “Over there.” *indicates the fire lane*
Officer: “So, you illegally parked your car in the fire lane, blocking the handicap ramp. Parked is the wrong word though. We found the car running and still in gear.”
Customer: “I was just going to be a moment! I’m going to sue [Coffee Shop] for this!”
Jack Of All Trades, Master Of None
BIZARRE, CALL CENTER, HOTEL, MONEY, USA | RIGHT | JULY 21, 2008
(A customer is trying to cancel a non-refundable reservation at a hotel…)
Me: “I apologize, sir, but we will not be able to issue a refund at this time.”
Customer: “I am a doctor and will have to attend to an emergency at that time. So, you need to refund me.”
Me: “Again, I apologize, sir, but as the hotel is unwilling to refund, we will be unable to refund you at this time.”
Customer: “Well, I guess I will just have to see you in court. I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you.”
Me: “Sir, as a lawyer, I am sure you read over the terms and conditions of your reservation. As I am sure you noted, this reservation is nonrefundable. If you’d like, I can review the terms and conditions with you…”
Customer: “The Catholic Church is going to curse you! I am a lawyer for the Catholic Church and I will tell the bishop to curse you!”
(At this point, I didn’t know what to say to this multi-talented doctor and lawyer for the Catholic Church.
The Lesser Of Two Musical Evils
MUSIC STORE | RIGHT | MARCH 2, 2012
Customer: “Can you help me? It’s my daughter’s birthday and she said she wanted a CD by some band. I can’t remember the name. I have it written down here.”
(She produces a piece of paper. On it is written the name of a popular German rock band. Note that most of this band’s songs are in German, so most of the writing on their CDs is too.)
Me: “Oh, good choice. They’re a great band. We have several of their CDs right over here.”
Customer: “Hold on. All this writing is in another language!”
Me: “Yes, madam, it’s German.”
Customer: “*horrified* “Oh, God! Not this again! This is that Nazi band she’s been listening to! I thought we’d got her out of that phase!”
Me: “Madam, I can assure you this band is not a Nazi band.”
Customer: “But they’re German!”
Me: “Madam, I happen to be a fan of this particular band myself. I can assure you they are not Nazis. One of their songs is even about how they are politically left-wing.”
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