The Number One Problem For Check-Ups
Australia, Pets & Animals, Vet, Western Australia | Healthy | October 25, 2019
(I have three ferrets, all due for a checkup. First ferret, fine but getting old. Second ferret, perfect health. When the vet picks up the third and starts feeling his little fuzzy abdomen, his face falls.)
Vet: “Hmm. Have you noticed that he’s got quite a large lump here? In his abdomen?”
Me: “No, I had no idea.”
Vet: “Okay. Hm. So, it seems very close to his prostate, maybe even on his prostate, so that’s quite worrying. It’s really large; are you sure you haven’t felt it before?”
Me: *starting to freak out a little bit* “No, definitely not.”
Vet: “Okay, well, I’m going to take him out the back and we’ll do a little ultrasound. Don’t panic; there’s a good chance it could be something benign, and if it isn’t, we have options, okay? I’ll be back in a minute.”
(I sit in the consulting room for ten minutes, wringing my hands, wondering if one of my pets has cancerous tumours and how I couldn’t have noticed. The vet comes back, still holding my ferret.)
Vet: *putting my ferret down on the examination table* “Okay, so, we did an ultrasound, and we’re at a little bit of a loss. It doesn’t look like anything I’ve seen, so we’re going to have to either biopsy or…”
(He trails off, as my ferret has toddled over to the sink and started urinating. It goes on for a very long time.)
Me: “Oh, geez, I’m sorry! He’s never done that before.”
Vet: “Well, better there than on the table, right?”
(He pauses, realisation dawning on him. He picks up my ferret once he’s finished his business, and feels the abdomen again.)
Vet: “So. Uh. This is a little awkward, but good news! He doesn’t have a tumour.”
(It turns out, my little boy was too polite to pee on a person or on the examination table, even while people were touching and scanning his large and very full bladder. They didn’t charge me for the ultrasound.)
All Of The Above
Pharmacy, Stupid, USA | Healthy | October 23, 2019
(One of my medications is delivered to my home through a specialty pharmacy. Every month they call to verify my information and see if anything has changed. At the end of our conversation, the Home Delivery Pharmacist — HDP — reverifies my medical history before finalizing the order.)
Home Delivery Pharmacist: “Okay… I see here this is from [Hospital Doctor]. Did you see him recently?”
Me: “Yes, while I was in-patient at [Hospital] last month.”
Home Delivery Pharmacist: “Okay. Have you been to the ER, had an infection, or been hospitalized in the last 90 days?”
Me: “Yes, all three.”
Home Delivery Pharmacist: “Which one?”
Me: “All of them.”
Home Delivery Pharmacist: “No. ER, infection, or hospital. Which one?”
Me: “Um… all of the above. All three.”
Home Delivery Pharmacist: *annoyed* “No, ma’am. Were you in the ER, did you have an infection, or were you hospitalized in the last 90 days?”
Me: “Yes! I went to the ER because I couldn’t breathe. I found out I had a lung infection and I was hospitalized for 21 days.”
Home Delivery Pharmacist: “Oh.” *sour tone* “You could have just said yes. We’ll ship this tomorrow.” *hangs up*
Those Prices Are Not Healthy
Government, Hospital, Japan, Money, Non-Dialogue | Healthy | October 21, 2019
I’m an American living and working in Japan. One day, I get severely ill, so I call an ambulance and am taken to the hospital. It turns out to be an easily treated condition, but they keep me in for observation overnight.
During checkout the next day, they keep warning me and apologizing that payment will be expensive, even with my insurance. “I’m so sorry but it will be pricey,” is something I hear from several people.
At that point, I’m a little worried about the cost, but checkout is almost done and they present me with the bill — about ¥30,000, a little under $300 US.
I surprise them when I start laughing, then horrify them when I say that an ambulance ride, hospital stay, and followup medication in the US would easily add up to at least ten times that price!
Circumcise What I Just Said From Your Minds
Australia, Hospital, Nurses | Healthy | October 20, 2019
(I have just given birth to my son and am with the nurse who is head of the maternity section. It just happens that we went to school together.)
Nurse: “So, we just have to get some things out of the way. First, do you want him circumcised?”
Me: “No, definitely not.”
Nurse: “Thank goodness. Do you know how horrible it is? They do it without anaesthesia and basically just cut the foreskin off with scissors. The poor babies go through so much pain, it makes me sick every time a parent wants it done, and I’m not allowed to try to talk anyone out of it or… um… say what I just said.”
Not What They Mean By Getting Plenty Of Bed Rest
Assisted Living, Golden Years, Michigan, Rude & Risque, USA | Healthy | October 19, 2019
(A group of residents with varying stages of dementia is sitting around a table having coffee near my desk in the front lobby. One of them asks a question of the others…)
Don’t Grit Your Teeth To This
Assisted Living, Golden Years, Sweden | Healthy | October 18, 2019
(I am helping an old lady getting ready for bed one evening at the nursing home. A part of that includes assisting her with brushing her teeth. Some old people have dentures, and I can’t remember whether this lady has or not.)
Me: “Do you have your own teeth?”
Resident: “Yes, I do.”
Me: “Okay, then, here’s your toothbrush.”
(The lady then pops out her dentures.)
Me: “I thought you had your own teeth?”
Resident: “I do. I bought and paid for them myself
Smoking? There’s An App For That
Bad Behavior, Hospital, Kansas, Nurses, USA | Healthy | October 17, 2019
(I am in the hospital after falling down a flight of stairs. My ankle is fractured.)
Me: “Excuse me. Can you please hand me my phone?”
Nurse: “No.”
Me: “What? Why not?”
Nurse: *huffy* “Well, it says on your chart that you’re a smoker. I’m not going to give you your phone so you can buy more cigarettes.”
Me: “I wasn’t planning on buying anything; I wanted to update my family and friends.”
Nurse: “I don’t believe you. I know your kind. You think you’re special because you destroy your body with drugs. I’m not letting you buy drugs!”
Me: “All right, let’s see what a patient advocate thinks about what you just said.”
Nurse: *goes pale and hands me my phone*
(Later, when I told my dad about it, he told the doctor, who rolled his eyes and said we weren’t the first to complain.)
Choked By Your Own Doctor
Doctor/Physician, Ignoring & Inattentive, Iowa, Jerk, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | October 16, 2019
(I’ve had serious sinus/throat/ear problems for most of my life, along with pretty severe anxiety disorder; it’s so bad I was put on anti-anxiety meds at eight years old. Unfortunately, since I have an anxiety disorder, most of my problems have been brushed off as panic until they’re either too late to fix properly or until I fight with the doctors. I miss a pretty good bit of school because my ears hurt or I feel like I am choking, and I will go to the doctor each time. Each time, the pediatrician tells me, “It’s just a viral infection,” or, “It’s just your anxiety acting up.”)
Me: “I really don’t think this is viral; I’ve been coming in every month or so for two years or so.”
Doctor: “It’s just viral. I think you just like getting out of school, too.” *nudge nudge wink wink*
Me: “Uh, no. My grades are taking a hit. I can barely breathe and I feel like I’m choking constantly. This is not a panic thing, and it’s obviously not viral; otherwise, it wouldn’t always come back. Maybe you should do your job and actually figure out what’s wrong?”
Mom: *staring in shock because I’m not one to smart off*
Doctor: “If you can smart off like that, then you don’t need to see a pediatrician any more!”
(My mom schedules an appointment at a different doctor’s office, with a different doctor. I’m freaking out because I’ve never seen another doctor before in my fifteen years and many, MANY doctors appointments.)
New Doctor: *looks in my mouth* “Oh, my God! Your tonsils are huge. Like, can you breathe at all?”
Me: “No, not really. I always feel like I’m choking.”
New Doctor: “These have to come out.”
(So, I got my tonsils out, along with my adenoids. The surgeon told me they were the biggest he’d ever seen. I no longer feel like I’m being choked to death constantly. But having your tonsils pulled out at sixteen sucks.)
With So Many Fillings He Has Become Very Dense
Dentist, Jerk, Michigan, Patients, Stupid, USA | Healthy | October 15, 2019
Patient: “Why do I need an x-ray?”
Me: “To check for problems [Doctor] might have missed.”
Patient: “Problems like what?”
Me: “Cavities between your teeth and under your fillings, and gum disease.”
Patient: “If [Doctor]’s eyesight is so bad that he can’t even see cavities anymore, why is he still a dentist?”
Me: “There is nothing wrong with [Doctor]’s eyesight, sir. It would be impossible for anyone to look underneath fillings and in between your teeth.”
Patient: “So, I just let him poke around my mouth for nothing? Why didn’t you tell me that right away? I would have skipped the exam and just done the x-ray. Now I need to pay for something that is completely useless. You are ripping me off. I’ll get a second opinion.”
Me: “You are welcome to do that. But they’ll want to do an exam, as well.”
Patient: “I’ll tell them that you already did.”
Me: “They’ll still want to actually look at your teeth. Believe me.”
Patient: “So, you are trying to tell me that they’ll rip me off, too?”
Me: “Sir, an x-ray is more expensive than an exam.”
Patient: “Oh, if you do the x-ray, can I take that to my second opinion dentist?”
Me: “Yes.”
Patient: “So, I’m right. The exam is useless.”
Me: “Do you want an x-ray or not now?”
Patient: “Do I get a refund if you don’t find anything?”
A Cyst-emic Problem In Healthcare
Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Minnesota, USA | Healthy | October 14, 2019
(I get fed up with my old doctor refusing to do anything other than tell me to “just lose some weight” and I go to a new clinic.)
Doctor: “I see you changed practices. Do you have any medical files with you or are they sending them over?”
Me: “They might send them over, but they’re going to be next to empty and claim I’m only overweight. My last doctor didn’t pay any attention to any of the symptoms I would tell him about. If it doesn’t happen in front of him he thinks it doesn’t happen ever, and all he would ever tell me is that I need to lose weight. I know I need to, but I’ve honestly been dieting and exercising and nothing has happened. I’ve had hormone problems my entire life, but he just kept telling me to eat better.”
Doctor: “That sounds… bad. Okay, tell me what’s going on with your hormones, and I’ll have a nurse come in and draw your blood for labs. You also seem to have a small lump on your neck.”
Me: “Yeah, I’m prone to cysts. I was going to get it looked at if it didn’t go away. Getting them drained isn’t pleasant, so I wait and see if they take care of themselves before I go in.”
Doctor: “I’ll take a look at it, anyway. You’re already here, might as well.”
(I leave the appointment satisfied that the doctor didn’t mention my weight at all except to ask if I’ve noticed any fluctuation with it. A week later, the doctor calls me back in.)
Doctor: “I ran your labs and, like I thought, you also high levels of testosterone. You have something called–“
Me: “Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS?”
Doctor: “Exactly.”
Me: “I asked my old doctor about that years ago since I’m prone to getting cysts on my ovaries, but he never tested me for it.”
Doctor: “Well, I did, and you definitely have it. You also seem to have some thyroid problems, and I’d like for you to get a biopsy of the lump on your neck.”
Me: “Really?”
Doctor: “Yes, since I saw you last week, it’s gotten bigger, and I don’t think it’s a cyst.”
(It wasn’t. It was a cancerous tumor on my thyroid. When the surgeon opened me up to remove it, cancer had already spread to the surrounding lymph nodes, which then also had to be removed. After some radiation and chemo, I’m in remission, but if I had stayed with the old fat-shaming doctor, I’d be dead. Thankfully, that doctor retired and no longer “treats” patients.)
What A Diabeetus, Part 10
Jerk, Optometrist/Optician, Patients, Reception, USA | Healthy | October 13, 2019
(I work as a receptionist and an assistant for an optometrist. Multiple patients are very ignorant about optometry; they say they need to update the “medicine” in their glasses or tell me I shouldn’t set their glasses down a certain way because the “medicine will drain out,” among other similar statements. Some people just don’t understand that it is the way lenses are shaped and that fixes their vision, not an actual medication. But some people top the cake. This patient has insurance.)
Patient: *answering my questions* “Yeah, I do have diabetes, but what does that matter? I’m just getting my eyes checked for glasses!”
Me: “Yes, ma’am, I understand. However, if your sugar levels aren’t stable it can cause a drastic change in your prescription. For that reason, since you have stated you are almost never stable, the doctor may find it in your best interest to check you and have you come back in a couple of weeks, at no extra charge, to make sure the prescription does not fluctuate before finalizing it. This is to ensure you do not purchase lenses that may not work in a few weeks. However, the doctor will discuss this further with you in the exam room to see if this applies to you or not.”
Patient: “You saw my [relative] a few months ago and this wasn’t an issue! You’re just trying to scam me! Her blood sugar is never stable, either!”
Me: “Ma’am, like I stated, it is truly up to the doctor, and you may not have to come back. Also, the followup would not charge you any extra.”
Patient: “Fine. I don’t want to be seen. I’ll go somewhere that knows what they are doing! You just didn’t bother with all of this with [relative] because she was a cash payment!”
Me: “No, ma’am, that is certainly not the case. Each patient is different. In this case, I will guess that the doctor was okay with finalizing her prescription based on the exam, and that just might be your case, as well. I am just informing you of the possible outcomes. Also–“
Patient: *cutting me off* “NO! I DO NOT WANT TO BE SEEN! I NEED MY EXAM. TODAY! NOT IN A FEW WEEKS! I’M DONE WITH THIS AND I’M LEAVING!”
(The patient storms out of the office. The doctor has just finished the exam before her.)
Doctor: “Did you mention that she could possibly get it today, but I’d have to see her first?”
Me: “Yes, sir, but she seems to think we were trying to scam her because her [relative] got hers the same day, and since she’s using insurance, unlike her [relative], we’re trying to get more out of her and take advantage. I remember her [relative]’s name. I’ll pull her chart…”
(A few minutes pass as we’re looking over the relative’s chart.)
Me: “Huh… [Relative] said nothing about being diabetic or unstable with her blood sugar.”
Doctor: “Of freaking course. Did you get a chance to tell her we get paid more from insurance versus cash pay? So really, [Relative] got the better deal?”
Me: “Well, I tried, but she stormed out calling me a scammer and a dumba** before I could.”
(Yeah, our cash price can range from $20-80 LESS than what insurance pays us. It’s fun working in healthcare! I mean, we’re only there to write prescriptions and not check anything else, right? Trust me, your optometrist or ophthalmologist checks A LOT more than just your prescription. Gets your eyes checked, people, even if you don’t need correction. Sometimes health issues pop up with no signs!)
What A Diabeetus, Part 9
California, Editors' Choice, Health & Body, Jerk, Retail, USA | Right | August 31, 2019
(I work at a chocolate shop during the summer in order to help pay for college. This exchange happens at least three or four times a day. I live in a very rich yuppie town, full of dieters.)
Customer: “God! I don’t know how you work here. I could never! I’d gain about twenty pounds a day!”
Me: *currently overweight* “Uh-huh…”
Customer: “Or get diabetes! God, I’d just walk in and bam! Diabetes! Can you imagine how awful that would be?”
Me: “…”
Customer: “Oh, hey, what’s that thing on your arm?”
Me: “The big one’s an insulin pump, and the small one is a blood sugar monitor. I’m a type 1 diabetic.”
Customer: “OH! Did you get diabetes from working here?”
What A Diabeetus, Part 8
Doctor/Physician, Jerk, Medical Office, Oregon, USA | Right | August 5, 2019
(I have just moved from California to Oregon and need to get a new prescription for my asthma medication. I go to a doctor in my new city. I’m a new patient, so of course, he takes a bit of time with me going over all my stuff. Then, this exchange takes place. Note: I am an overweight guy, but not extremely.)
Doctor: “How long have you had diabetes?”
Me: “I don’t.”
Doctor: “Of course, you do; you are overweight. I’m going to write you a prescription for that. How long have you had high blood pressure?”
Me: “Was my blood pressure high when the nurse took it? I thought it was normal.”
Doctor: “It was normal, but I’m pretty sure you have high blood pressure, so I’m going to write you a prescription for that. I’m also going to write you a prescription for high cholesterol and one to help you lose weight.”
Me: “How do you know I have high cholesterol if you haven’t taken blood?”
Doctor: “I’m sure you do.”
Me: “What about my asthma medication?”
Doctor: “Oh, I’ll give you that, too.”
(I ended up leaving with the one prescription I needed, and four I didn’t ask for. I never went to him again. I found a better doctor who ran all my blood work and looked me over and said I didn’t need any of that, and that the weight loss drug had just been pulled off the market for causing heart issues.)
What A Diabeetus, Part 7
Adelaide, Australia, Health & Body, Instant Karma, Jerk, Kiosk, South Australia | Right | August 1, 2018
(I work as a supervisor in a kiosk at a sporting complex. This happens during our rush when I am at the other end of the kiosk. I have had type 1 diabetes since I was two, for eighteen years now.)
Customer: “I would like to talk to the supervisor.”
Me: “Sir, I am the supervisor here; what seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “Do you have any drinks that are sugar-free? I’m diabetic and I can’t have sugary drinks.”
Me: “We have Coke Zero, Diet Coke, and water, sir.”
Customer: “Nothing else?”
Me: “I’m afraid not, sir.”
Customer: “You should have other sugar-free drinks! This is discrimination against me; you’re discriminating against diabetics.”
Me: “Sir, I can assu—”
Customer: *cutting me off* “Do you know what it’s like to have diabetes?”
(He launches into a rant of rhetorical questions about having diabetes. It lasts a couple of minutes, drawing the attention of everyone in line. I haven’t been able to get a word in since he started, but I can’t serve the queue until he is finished. So, I wait for him to take a breath.)
Customer: “And you don’t know what it’s like to have diabetes. I’ve had it for five years; I deserve some respect for that, but no, there are no sugar-free drinks because you don’t know.”
Me: *with a slightly raised voice* “I’ve had it for eighteen years.”
(He freezes, and it’s like the entire queue holds its breath as I smile and continue.)
Me: “Now, is there anything I can help you with today, sir?”
(He shakes his head, looking meek.)
Me: “Very well. The register is right behind you, and I hope you enjoy the game.”
What A Diabeetus, Part 6
Department Store, Health & Body, Jerk, New Mexico, USA | Right | June 12, 2018
(I work at a well-known retail chain as a cashier. We’re doing a temporary fundraiser for diabetes research and have to ask each customer if they’d like to donate some money towards the cause. My father has diabetes.)
Me: “Hello! Would you like to donate to help diabetes research today?”
Customer: “No, sweetie. I believe that if you just don’t eat white flour or sugar, the whole diabetes thing disappears!”
Me: *stares at her in disbelief for a few seconds* “Would you like a bag?”
(She needs to either get her head out of the organic movement or do some research on diabetes. It can’t merely be fixed by eating differently, ma’am!)
What A Diabeetus, Part 5
Bosses & Owners, British Columbia, Canada, Health & Body, Ignoring & Inattentive, Office, Vancouver | Working | April 4, 2018
(This happened to my dad. He was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, and because of this, he has to have something to eat every two or three hours. His boss knows this. One day, the boss comes over to Dad’s desk to discuss something.)
Boss: *talking without paying attention*
(At that moment, the coffee cart rolls by.)
Dad: “Excuse me for a minute—”
Boss: *ignoring him*
Dad: “Uh, [Boss]? Just give me a minute—”
Boss: “Why?”
Dad: “I need to go get something from the coffee cart.”
Boss: *annoyed* “Now?”
Dad: “Yes, now.”
Boss: “For Pete’s sake, would it kill you to wait?”
Dad: “Literally? Probably not. But it won’t be healthy for me.”
Boss: *pause* “Oh, the diabetes thing. Right.”
(It wouldn’t have been such a big deal, except that this happened at least once a month.)
What A Diabeetus, Part 4
Alabama, Birmingham, Medical Office, Stupid, USA | Healthy | January 26, 2018
(I am sitting at my desk behind the nurses’ station when one of our new patients approaches me.)
Patient: “Can you do me a favor and check my lab work for me?”
Me: “I sure can, sir. Let me get you pulled up, here. What did you want me to look over?”
Patient: “Can you check to see if there’s any diabetes in my blood?”
Me: “I’m sorry?”
Patient: “Diabetes. In my blood.”
Me: “Did you mean your glucose level, sir?”
Patient: *clearly exasperated* “No, I mean if the doctor found any diabetes in my blood.”
What A Diabeetus, Part 3
Colorado, Health & Body, Hospital, USA | Healthy | January 23, 2018
(I work in the kitchen of a small hospital. I go to each room and take the patients’ orders for their meals. One new patient is a woman who is on a diabetic diet.)
Patient: *after ordering a huge meal, including iced tea with “a crapload of sugar”* “…and can my brother order something, too?”
Me: “Sure. It’s $5.40 for a guest tray, and you can order whatever you want.”
Patient: “Wait, you mean he can get all the food he wants for $5.40? Holy crap! This is the best hospital ever.”
(The patient’s brother orders a large meal, including a diet soda.)
Me: “All right. Now, since you’re on a diabetic diet, we’ll probably have to cut some of this out, because the rules say we can only give you so many carbs.”
Patient: “Whatever. I eat what I want.”
Me: “Okay. I’ll see what I can do.”
(We end up sending her about half of what she ordered, and using artificial sweetener instead of sugar.)
Patient: *calling back after getting her food* “Um, I didn’t get all my food.”
Me: “Since you’re on a diabetic diet, we can only send you that much. Sorry.”
Patient: “Well, my brother didn’t get what he ordered, either. He was supposed to get…” *she proceeds to list the things she didn’t get*
Me: *after a bit of futilely trying to reason with her* “All right. I can bring a little more food to him.”
(The cook lets me bring some more food to the brother.)
Me: “I’d like to see him put sugar in his diet soda.”
What A Diabeetus, Part 2
Bad Behavior, Grocery Store, Harassment, Ignoring & Inattentive, New Jersey, USA, Wild & Unruly | Right | November 6, 2017
(A customer is getting her money out of her bag. I had put in a low blood-sugar reading in my insulin pump a couple minutes earlier, and it always beeps to remind me to check it again. It beeps, and I unclip it from my waist and turn the screen on. The customer looks up and her eyes go wide.)
Customer: “Of course!”
Me: “What’s the matter?”
Customer: “This is the reason I hate this store! They hire teenagers that look at their phones all the time! They don’t even care about the customers.”
Me: “What? Oh! This isn’t a phone, ma’am.” *presses “okay” and clips it back to my waist*
Customer: “Yes, it is! Give it to me so I can report you to your manager!”
Me: “One, it’s not a phone. Two, I can’t take it off because it’s an insulin pump. I have type-one diabetes.” *shows her my medical alert bracelet* “My manager knows this.”
Customer: “You don’t have diabetes! You’re not obese!”
Me: *tries to resist the urge to face-palm* “Ma’am, I have type-one. The one you’re thinking about is type-two. Please give me the money and leave.”
Customer: “No!” *reaches for my pump, which has a tube that connects to something on my stomach*
Me: *calmly* “Please leave.”
(The customer once again reaches for my pump, and pulls it off my pants. She pulls it forward and realizes there’s a tube on it.)
Customer: “How do you disconnect the charger?”
Me: “That isn’t a charger wire, ma’am. It’s a tube. You can see it’s clear. Please let go.”
(I reach to take my pump back. The customer pulls it forwards again, and I jerk forward. A lot of the time I drop my pump, and it pulls on my stomach. It’s never torn out the thing on my stomach, but this time it’s about to. Luckily, my manager arrives before it does.)
Manager: “Let go of that right now and leave. It’s good that you hate this store, because you’re not coming back.”
(The customer places the pump on the counter and runs to the door, not taking her money or things.)
Me: “Thanks.”
Manager: “Take her money; you deserve it. I’ll put her stuff back.”
(Suddenly, I heard a beep. My manager was also a diabetic, and also had a low earlier. He pulled out his pump, which looked like mine
Good Thing For The Eardrum Because It’s All Clear After That
Alberta, Canada, Medical Office, Patients, Stupid | Healthy | April 2, 2022
This story was told to me by my partner, who works as a medical assistant at a walk-in clinic.
A patient has come in for an ear-syringing (flushing with warm water) because her ears are blocked. My partner gives her a little cup to hold under the affected ear to catch the water that comes out.
Suddenly, the patient has a question.
Patient: “Wait. Shouldn’t I be holding this under the other ear?”
Medical Assistant: *Pauses* “No?”
Patient: “Well, isn’t the water going to go through to the other side?”
My partner responds after a lengthy pause, dying inside.
Medical Assistant: “No, ma’am. The eardrum will block it and it will come back out the same ear.”
Patient: *Suddenly embarrassed* “Oh, right.”
She stayed quiet for the rest of the procedure. I’m sure it was just a “duh” moment but it makes for a great story!
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