(Regrettably, our local university is the main reason that county STD rates are the second-highest in the state (the highest-ranking county is home to a naval base). Outbreaks are common and rather a grim joke with local healthcare providers. The county has purchased a new emergency radio system and one of their officers has arrived to train our staff on how to use the equipment.)
Instructor: “The great thing about this system is that it is linked to over two hundred towers, state-wide. This means that if you need to, you can communicate not only throughout the county, but with other jurisdictions as well. For example; let’s say you have to set up some kind of emergency clinic at the University for… I don’t know, what’s an epidemic that the students might experience there?”
Me: *without thinking* “Probably chlamydia.”
(My boss shushed me, but our director of nursing almost fell off her chair from laughing so hard.)
Crazy Requests, Great Stuff, Health & Body, Hospital | Healthy Right | July 16, 2008
(I witnessed this on the hospital floor where I work. A patient’s daughter comes out of a hospital room and stands in the hallway, staring around looking lost.)
Nurse’s aide: “Can I help you?”
Daughter: “Yeah… can I have a stapler?”
(The nurse’s aide walks about two steps away to get a stapler and then thinks better of this request.)
Nurse’s aide: “Why do you want a stapler?”
Daughter: “My dad’s IV tubing is getting in his way. I thought it would be better if we stapled it to his arm.”
Nurse’s aide: “Um, I think tape would work better for that.”
Daughter: “You guys have tape here?”
Nurse’s aide: “Yeah, I have some here in my pocket.”
(The aide walks into the room to secure the IV tubing before any more of his genius children try to help.)
Daughter: *muttering* “I still think a stapler is a better idea
A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech. Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can't read his notes. So he asks, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."
"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."
"Show me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.
The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."
"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"
"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the pharmacy and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?"
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
A pharmacist looks out the front of the store and sees a woman holding a bottle jumping up and down in the parking lot. The pharmacist walks out to the parking lot and asks the woman whats the matter. She replies " I saw it said 'Shake Well' after I took it".
A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. "Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours," the pharmacist says. "Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off".
Extra Stupid, Hospital, Jerk, Kentucky, Patients, USA | Healthy | May 6, 2018
I work in a very large trauma ER, and we are very busy. I see a lot of weird things, but this one stands out.
A mother brings her 17-year-old daughter in for a “fever.” The registration clerk asks how high the fever is. Mom says, “100.” This is not really an emergency fever unless you have maybe an immune deficiency or are in cancer treatment.
The clerk asks how long she’s had the fever. Mom says, “Like, a day.” The pediatric ER is very busy that day, so they end up waiting about an hour. Halfway through, I look over into the waiting room. The daughter is on her phone, looking as healthy and happy as can be. Mom is nowhere to be seen, but since the daughter is an older teen, I don’t think much of it. Maybe she went to move the car or something.
Ten minutes later, the mom comes back… with fried chicken. They both proceed to eat chicken in the waiting room full of sick people until the daughter is called back. She is almost immediately discharged.
Bad Behavior, Dentist, Lazy/Unhelpful, Minnesota, USA | Healthy | May 5, 2018
(I am the patient in this story. After many, many years of not receiving dental treatment, I finally get good dental insurance and make an appointment with a dentist. After the x-rays come back, I have in total 14 cavities and severe sensitivity in a majority of my teeth, and I need one root canal. After many visits, I am finally down to the root canal. So far, for a majority of my appointments, the dentist has been rough, short-tempered, and pissy. I am on a time limit to get all this work done, so I just live with it. Sadly, my final appointment does not go well.)
Dentist: *jerks my head* “Oh, s***.”
Me: “Everything okay?”
Dentist: “We are going to have to stop here and send you to someone else.”
Me: “Why?”
Dentist: “I broke a drill bit in one of your roots.”
Me: “I am fine with being sent to someone else, but my insurance ends tomorrow; this root canal needs to be done.”
Dentist: “Don’t worry; it will be done. We are sending you to our specialist. He is really good at root canals.”
Me: *skeptical* “Okay, as long as it gets done.”
(Next day
Specialist Dentist: “I don’t know how they managed to break a bit in your root, but the good news is that it broke on the torque, so it sealed the root. We can leave it in and just finish the root canal.”
Me: “Fine, let’s just get this done.”
(Another hour later, as they finish drilling the rest of the roots…)
Specialist Dentist: “We are finished. Schedule your next appointment for the filling and the crown.”
Me: “Um, no, you need to fill this and put the crown on. My insurance ends today; I do not have $1,600 to pay out-of-pocket for this.”
Specialist Dentist: “We can’t finish this today; you’re not scheduled for that.”
(After that, they made me leave. It has been four months, and two of the fillings they did have fallen off, the tooth with the unfinished root canal has cracked, and the broken fillings have exposed nerves. I managed to scrape together enough money to fix one of the fillings, but the other broken filling is out of the budget, and so is the unfinished root canal. It’s pretty bad when a filling falls off while eating pancakes.)
Blood Donation, Ignoring & Inattentive, New Zealand | Healthy | May 2, 2018
(Due to having a serious illness as a kid, I’ve had countless numbers of blood tests. When I am old enough to donate blood, I do so willingly, but knowing that my veins are now difficult to find, I always request an experienced technician. This is on all my paperwork, for their benefit as well as mine. This is my fourth or fifth donation, so I know the drill fairly well. It usually takes 15 to 20 minutes.)
Head Technician: “So, I understand that you’ve got difficult veins! That’s not a problem, but I was wondering if you would mind if we get one of our senior technicians to have a practice with you? He’s requested some further experience on veins like yours. I’ll be watching him and with him the whole time.”
Me: “That sounds fine.”
(The head technician brings over a young man, and they prep everything accordingly. Then, at the point where he has to place the needle in, the head technician walks away!)
Young Tech: “Oops! Let me try again.”
(To my mildly-suppressed horror, he tries to find a vein five times!)
Me: “Um, is everything going okay?”
Young Tech: “Sorry, this won’t take too long. I’m just a bit nervous! Are you still okay?”
Me: “Um, yup, just do what you have to!”
(Trying to be helpful, I endure another ten minutes of him attempting to find the vein in my right arm, and missing every time.)
Young Tech: “It looks like this arm is useless, so I’m going to try your left arm!”
Me: “Um, okay?”
(The head technician wanders past and nods approvingly. The young tech gets my left arm set up. At this stage I’m not really into it, but feel like I’m committed, and I’m beginning to feel a little faint.)
Young Tech: “Here we go!”
(Here we do not go. After another twenty minutes of being used as a pin cushion, the young tech calls the head technician over.)
Head Technician: “Oh, well, it looks like we’ve exhausted both arms today! How much blood did we get?”
Young Tech & Me: “None.”
Head Technician: “Oh. Well, we can try again tomorrow!”
(As I am leaving, one of the nurses passes by and asked how things went. I explain, and she is aghast.)
Nurse: “It’s his first day!”
(I marched back to the head technician, who brushed off my concerns, even though all my paperwork said I had tricky veins and needed an experienced technician. The next day, I had deep blue bruises on both my arms from my mid-forearm to almost my armpit, which lead me to being spoken to by my managers about drug use. I didn’t go to give blood the next day!)
Awesome, Doctor/Physician, Illinois, Medical Office, Silly, USA | Healthy | April 30, 2018
(For the better part of the last decade, I have been to one specific OBGYN for all of my reproductive system’s many faults. He is a very short and stout man with a Slavic accent, the bedside manner of an angel, and the most wisea** sense of humor this side of the Mississippi. Here’s some of my favorite quotes from him over the years
OBGYN: *during my first pelvic examination* “Are you flexible? You surely are! I must have a Cirque Du Soleil star on my table!”
Me: “You know, most men buy me dinner first before asking me that!”
OBGYN: “Oh, honey, I couldn’t afford you.”
(The results of my first exam
OBGYN: *bursts into the room, waving a packet of papers around* “Good news! It’s all in your head!”
(I am diagnosed with Vaginismus, a condition that has both psychological triggers and a physical response, which has been carefully controlled since the diagnosis through therapy and physical therapy. I am just happy it doesn’t require surgery.)
OBGYN: *after a two-year lapse where I haven’t seen him since I’d moved* “You’re still alive?! Gosh darn, I must be doing my job too well!”
OBGYN: *after explaining my problems with birth control* “Oh, that just means your body hates estrogen. It’s not terribly uncommon for this reaction, but considering your other allergies, I think there’s one last thing we can try, and I’m very hopeful for it!”
OBGYN: *after that fails, rendering me unable to use all conceivable forms of birth control* “Well, we’re f***ed. Well, mostly you, although probably not as much as you used to anymore. I’m not helping, am I?”
OBGYN: *after I come in with a history of cyst ruptures* “Don’t worry! All we have to do is get you on some hormonal birth control, and it should clear those right… Oh, yeah. Oh. Well, have you ever considered traveling back in time and being born as a man?”
OBGYN: “Please quit coming in; you are making me actually work!”
OBGYN: “Have you ever considered becoming a nun? It might go better for you.”
OBGYN: “Look, I know a guy who knows a guy, and I could get you a new uterus set up, but apparently that’s illegal, so instead, let’s just try managing the crazy.”
OBGYN: *five years after my first exam with him* “You’re still flexible! I still can’t afford the dinner bill, though.”
(Considering all the horror stories I’ve heard about terrible OBGYN’s, I am so blessed to have this crazy Slavic man in charge of my health with his humor and knowledge!)
Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Texas, USA | Healthy | April 27, 2018
(I have scheduled a doctor’s appointment because I finally have a job with health insurance. I am experiencing a relatively minor issue with irregular periods, which I also mention to the nurse. She writes my concern down and leaves the room. The doctor comes in a few minutes later.)
Doctor: “I hear your period is weird.”
Me: *surprised by her blunt introduction* “Yes. And I’d really like to know why.”
Doctor: “My first thought was that you’re probably fat, but you’re actually healthy. So, let’s run some tests.”
Me: “Wait. If I was fat, you would have just told me to go on a diet and not checked for something else?”
Doctor: “Well, yeah, that’s usually the reason.”
Me: “What if they had something serious?”
Doctor: “It’s never serious.”
(I was too nervous to say anything. After getting my blood drawn and an ultrasound, I asked the front desk if I could see a different doctor next visit. At least the nurse looked embarrassed the whole time.)
Colorado, Jerk, Medical Office, Nurses, Patients, USA |
Healthy | April 26, 2018
(I am in the waiting room at a large, multi-doctor medical practice, so there are many people in the room. A nurse enters and calls
Nurse: “Williams.” *a few people look up* “[First Name] Williams?”
(Everyone goes back to what they are doing. The nurse again calls out the name, but no one answers, so she starts to walk away. As she passes, a woman rises, tosses down the magazine she was perusing, sighs audibly, and hisses
Woman: “That’s me, but I didn’t give you permission to use my first name; you will address me as, ‘Mrs. Williams’!”
(In response, the nurse turns to address the room, smiles broadly, and calls
Nurse: “Mrs. Williams?”
(Two other women in the room stand and look at each other and the nurse quizzically.)
Nurse: “Mrs. [First Name] Williams?”
(Several people, having heard the whole interaction, audibly chuckled as two women sat back down and “Mrs. Williams” turned red, glared at everyone, and followed the nurse to the back.)
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