They Call Me Doctor DIY
Call Center, Dentist, Doctor/Physician, Editors' Choice | Healthy Right | October 22, 2009
(We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)
Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”
Me: “Clockwise.”
Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”
Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise… to the right.”
Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”
Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”
Doctor: “Okay, I think I got it.”
Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Doctor: “What was that?”
Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”
Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”
Me: “Great. All finished?”
(The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)
Doctor: “You’re all done then!”
Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you, doctor.
If The Zits Don’t Kill You, The Angst Will
Funny, Health & Body, Medical Office, Stupid, Teenagers, USA | Healthy Right | October 6, 2009
Me: Hello this is [Doctor’s Office]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!”
(From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.)
Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–”
Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead… and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!”
Getting On Your Nerves
Dentist, Funny, Health & Body, USA | Healthy Right | September 22, 2009
(I am a dentist about to give a patient a shot of local anesthetic).
Patient: “I hate needles. Will this hurt?”
Me: “Just concentrate on taking nice, deep breaths. It’ll be over before you know it.”
Patient: “Could you please tell me when you’re ready to give the shot? I need to know!”
Me: “Sure. I’ll give it on the count of three. Ready? One, two–”
Patient: *screams* “You’re killing me! It hurts so much!”
Me: “I haven’t actually given you the shot yet.”
Patient: “Oh. Well, um, I was just practicing for when you did.”
We Want Your Braaaiiins
Health & Body, Hospital, Math & Science, USA | Healthy Right | September 16, 2009
(A subject is speaking with me about a sleep-study we were doing.)
Subject: “So, I’ll just have to go to sleep for the study, right?”
Me:: “That’s correct. We’re just using those scanning machines to test brain function during REM sleep.”
Subject: *suddenly fearful* “You expect me to sleep with those machines cutting into my brain?!”
Less Twilight, More Daylight
Bizarre, Health & Body, Hospital, USA | Healthy Right | September 1, 2009
Me: “Hi, this is anesthesia. How can I help you?”
Caller: “This is the blood bank, right?”
Me: “No, this is anesthesia.”
Caller: “That’s the same thing, right?”
Me: “Not really.”
Caller: “Well, what is anesthesia?”
Me: “The stuff that puts you to sleep before surgery.”
Caller: “Well who cares about that crap!”
Me: “People who need surgery?”
Caller: “No! You know what they need? BLOOD!”
Me: “Okay… but you still have the wrong number.”
Caller: “Vampires need blood! You’re not a vampire because you don’t need blood! Humans don’t need blood!”
Me: “Sir, humans need blood just as much as a vampire.”
Caller: “Wait, so humans are vampires?”
Me: “No, they just need–”
Caller: “Holy f***! I’M A VAMPIRE! You just made my day!”
Less Twilight, More Daylight
Bizarre, Health & Body, Hospital, USA | Healthy Right | September 1, 2009
Me: “Hi, this is anesthesia. How can I help you?”
Caller: “This is the blood bank, right?”
Me: “No, this is anesthesia.”
Caller: “That’s the same thing, right?”
Me: “Not really.”
Caller: “Well, what is anesthesia?”
Me: “The stuff that puts you to sleep before surgery.”
Caller: “Well who cares about that crap!”
Me: “People who need surgery?”
Caller: “No! You know what they need? BLOOD!”
Me: “Okay… but you still have the wrong number.”
Caller: “Vampires need blood! You’re not a vampire because you don’t need blood! Humans don’t need blood!”
Me: “Sir, humans need blood just as much as a vampire.”
Caller: “Wait, so humans are vampires?”
Me: “No, they just need–”
Caller: “Holy f***! I’M A VAMPIRE! You just made my day!”
The CSR Of Delphi
Books & Reading, Bookstore, Health & Body, Impossible Demands, USA | Healthy Right | August 5, 2009
Me: “Good evening, thank you for calling [Bookstore]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “My husband is going in for a CAT scan, and he’s kind of claustrophobic. I was wondering what kind of equipment they use?”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I really don’t have that kind of information. Maybe if you called your doctor?”
Caller: “It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday night! My doctor’s office is closed, duh! That’s why I’m asking you!”
Me: “I’m sorry, but we really don’t have that information.”
Caller: “Well, you have books, don’t you? Why don’t you just go and look it up in a book?”
Me: “Ma’am, we do have a small selection of home reference medical books, but I can’t look it up for you.”
Caller: “Well, you have an intercom, don’t you? Why don’t you just page a doctor and ask him to come to the phone and talk to me?”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We really aren’t allowed to do that sort of thing.”
Caller: “Well, can you at least connect me with the information desk, or is that too much to ask?!”
Me: “This is the information desk.”
Caller: “Well, a fat lot of good you are!” *click*
On The Bright Side, There Are Worse Orifices
Funny, Health & Body, Pharmacy, Stupid, USA | Healthy Right | July 15, 2009
Me: “[Pharmacy], how can I help you?”
Customer: “Yeah, your medicine is defective.”
Me: “Sir, why don’t I get your information so I can take a look at your profile.”
Customer: *gives his name and date of birth*
Me: “I see that the last prescriptions you filled were antibiotics and drops for your ear infection. Are your symptoms still bothering you?”
Customer: “Yes, and how the h*** do you expect me to fit this giant pill in my ear?”
Me: “Sir, that’s an antibiotic tablet. It’s meant to be taken orally.”
Pint-Sized Purification
Funny, Impossible Demands, Medical Office, Medication, USA | Healthy Right | June 17, 2009
Caller: “Hi, do you have any doctors that prescribe detox drugs?”
Me: “No, we don’t provide that service.”
Caller: “How do you know? You have lots of doctors. How do you know?!”
Me: “We don’t specialize in addiction treatment. Our doctors aren’t that type of practitioner.”
Caller: “Why?! What if I need them to be?”
Me: “Well, then you would have to call another office.”
Caller: “What kind of doctors don’t prescribe detox meds?!”
The Flesh Is Bright But The Mind Is Dimming
Health & Body, Hospital, Stupid, USA | Healthy Right | June 8, 2009
Me: “Okay, sir, just a few X-rays and we’ll be done.”
Patient: “Please make it quick. I don’t want to glow when I leave!”
Me: “No, sir, I promise you won’t glow. That’s just an X-ray joke.”
Patient: “It’s dark out! I can’t glow or I’ll be seen!”
Me: “Sir, I swear you will not glow.”
Patient: “NO GLOOOWWWIINNG!”
Me: *gives up* “The glow afterward is so faint, no one will ever see it.”
Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right
Hospital, Patients, Stupid, USA | Healthy | May 20, 2009
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.
(I work in healthcare and am talking to a man in his fifties who is having angina for the first time.)
Me: “You haven’t had a heart attack, but this pain is probably coming from your heart.”
Man: “But I’m only fifty-something, and there are no heart problems in my family. Why would that be?”
Me: “You smoke thirty cigarettes a day and drink two cartons of beer per week. That’s not good for your heart. You should think about cutting down.”
Man: “I’m sick of you people telling me that bulls***! It’s a scientifically proven fact that smoking makes your arteries smaller, and drinking makes them bigger! If I keep drinking and smoking, I’ll be fine!”
Me: “That’s not at all how it works, but I see I’m not going to change your mind. You’ll be going upstairs soon.”
Survival Of The Fittest In Action
Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Patients, Stupid, USA | Healthy | May 14, 2009
Me: “Hello, this is [Doctor]’s office. Can I help you?”
Patient: “Yeah, is there an injection I can get for my gout?”
Me: “I don’t think so. I think we only give injections for muscle pain, but I can double-check for you.”
Patient: “Yeah, check. I’m going away this weekend and my ankle really hurts. My primary doctor says it’s not gout. I had these labs done, and they all say it’s not gout, but it really hurts.”
Me: “It’s not gout, but you want to know about a gout injection?”
Patient: “Well, they say it’s not gout, but I was at a bar and a guy looked at it and said, ‘That’s gout, all right!'”
Me: *pause* “A guy at the bar?”
Patient: “Yeah. And he gave me one of his pills, and it really helped.”
Me: “You took a pill from some guy in a bar?!”
Patient: “Yeah, it really helped, and it was gout medicine, so I think I have gout. So, is there an injection?”
Me: “Hold, please.”
(At this point, I go ask my manager if a gout injection exists, which it doesn’t, and I explain the situation. She agrees that this is completely stupid, but that if the woman wants gout medication, we can prescribe it.)
Me: “Thanks for holding. Turns out there’s no injection for gout.”
Patient: “Really? My ankle’s killing me.”
Me: “Well, if the medicine you took worked for you, we may be able to write you a prescription for it.”
Patient: “Oh, I already have a prescription.”
Me: “You… already have a prescription that stops your pain? Are you taking it?”
Patient: “No, I thought an injection might be faster.”
Me: *long pause* “Is there anything else you need today?”
Hippocrates Is Rolling Over In His Grave
Doctor/Physician, Insurance, Jerk, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | May 13, 2009
Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”
Doctor: “I need to verify my patient’s coverage. Her number is [number].”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a problem and I can’t access that account. I will have to forward this issue over to our technical department, and they will get back to you as soon as possible.”
Doctor: “I need this information immediately. Can I talk to them now? It’s very important.”
Me: “I’m sorry, they are very backed up over there and everything is handled in the order it is received. You will be added to the queue and they will get back to you later today.”
Doctor: “What if she was dying and I needed her coverage information? What then?!”
Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, if the patient was dying there in your office, I would hope you would treat her regardless of her insurance coverage.”
Doctor: “Well, yes — I mean… Just make sure they call me today.” *click*
Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio
Funny, Patients, Pharmacy, Stupid, USA | Healthy | May 12, 2009
Customer: “These things don’t work! They are hard to swallow and I nearly choked to death.”
Me: “Ma’am, they are suppositories. You don’t swallow them; you insert them rectally.”
Customer: “What does that mean?”
Me: “You unwrap them and insert them in your rectum.”
Customer: “What’s my rectum?”
Me: “Ma’am, please forgive me, but your rectum is your butthole.”
Customer: “Well, up yours, too!” *stalks off*
(This is not the first time someone misunderstood when we explained how to use a suppository. It’s the only time we can tell a patient, “Up yours,” and get away with it!)
The (Brain) Damage Has Already Been Done
Alcohol, Call Center, Emergency Services, Germany, Health & Body | Healthy Right | May 6, 2009
(Note: 1-1-2 is Germany’s version of 9-1-1.)
Me: “1-1-2, what’s your emergency?”
Caller: “Oh, my god! Help me! Help me!”
Me: “Calm down, please. Can you tell me what happened, if someone is hurt, and where you are?”
Caller: “I’m at home, and my brain stopped working!”
Me: “Your brain… stopped working? Sir, if your brain would stop working, you would be dead. Can you tell me exactly what happened? Are you bleeding?”
Caller: “No, no. But my brain stopped working! At least half of it! Oh, my god, will the other half stop working as well?! Will I die?! My wife was right! I can’t believe it!”
(At this point, I’m unsure what to do. The man is really in a state of panic, but sounds otherwise fine.)
Me: “Sir, is your wife at home? Can I speak to her? If not, please tell me exactly what you did when your… brain stopped working.”
Caller: “I watched soccer! And drank beer! My wife always told me ‘When you don’t stop that crap, your brain will stop working’ and now it did! I was sitting on the couch and turned my head to look at the clock and suddenly I can’t move my head anymore because the left side of my brain stopped working! Help!”
Me: “Sir, it sounds like you only cricked your neck!”
(I start describing him what a cricked neck feels like and he agrees that this is indeed his problem and that he’ll see a doctor in the morning. I’m about to end the call, when…)
Caller: “Hey, dude…”
Me: “Yes?”
Caller: “Is she right?”
Me: “Who?”
Caller: “My wife. You seem to know a lot about medicine and stuff, so can my brain really stop working from watching too much soccer and drinking beer?”
Me: “Well, alcohol is known for indeed killing brain cells when you drink too much, but you won’t–”
Caller: “Oh, my god! Thank you! I thought she was only kidding me, but when you say it, then I’ll stop! Thank you so much for saving my life! Thank you!”
It’s Called Healthyitis
Bizarre, Doctor/Physician, Health & Body, USA | Healthy Right | April 16, 2009
Me: “Thank you for waiting. My name is [My Name]. What is your call regarding?”
Patient: “Yeah, I want to ask the nurse a question.”
Me: “Is this regarding symptoms you are experiencing?”
Patient: “Yeah… well, kind of.”
Me: “What symptoms are you experiencing?”
Patient: “Actually, none.”
Me: “You are experiencing no symptoms?”
Patient: “Yeah… I have no pain and I just want to know if that is normal.”
Flattery, The Best Medicine
Emergency Services, Health & Body, Medication, Respect Your Elders, USA | Healthy Right | August 26, 2008
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.
(An elderly lady falls down in her apartment and has a cut on her wrist.)
Coworker: “Ma’am, I am afraid, we have to go to the hospital. You will need stitches for that cut and an X-ray to make sure your wrist isn’t broken.”
Patient: “No, I don’t wanna go. Just give me a shot and it will be okay.”
Coworker: “You mean for the pain?”
Patient: “No, so it will heal!”
Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t have this kind of medication.”
Patient: “But it worked last time!”
Coworker: “Someone gave you a shot and the wrist healed by itself?”
Patient: “No, my sugar was too high and they gave me a shot and everything was okay!”
Coworker: “I see… Well, I can’t fool you; you know this stuff! Listen, I can give you a shot for the broken wrist, but this counteracts the anti-sugar medicine. So every time your sugar is too high, you can never get a shot again.”
Patient: “Never ever?”
Coworker: “Never ever again…”
Patient: “So why didn’t you just say so in the first place?”
Coworker: “Well, not every patient has such an understanding of medicine as you, so I always try to keep it simple.”
Honey, He Ain’t A Scrapbooking Project
Editors' Choice, Health & Body, Hospital, Impossible Demands, UK | Healthy Right | July 16, 2008
(I witnessed this on the hospital floor where I work. A patient’s daughter comes out of a hospital room and stands in the hallway, staring around looking lost.)
Nurse’s aide: “Can I help you?”
Daughter: “Yeah… can I have a stapler?”
(The nurse’s aide walks about two steps away to get a stapler and then thinks better of this request.)
Nurse’s aide: “Why do you want a stapler?”
Daughter: “My dad’s IV tubing is getting in his way. I thought it would be better if we stapled it to his arm.”
Nurse’s aide: “Um, I think tape would work better for that.”
Daughter: “You guys have tape here?”
Nurse’s aide: “Yeah, I have some here in my pocket.”
(The aide walks into the room to secure the IV tubing before any more of his genius children try to help.)
Daughter: *muttering* “I still think a stapler is a better idea…”
Read Between The Lines
Awesome, Ignoring & Inattentive, Inspirational, Stupid, Texas, USA, Vet | Healthy | October 10, 2021
It is against the law to prescribe medications to a pet that has not been examined by the doctor. I’m one of the more senior technicians at the clinic and have just clocked in for the swing shift when one of the doctors comes up to me and hands me a bottle of liquid medicine and a dispenser.
Doctor: “I’m so glad you’re here. In the lobby is a Mrs. [Pet Owner]. Some jerk left a cardboard box with a litter of eight puppies on her driveway last night. She can barely afford her one dog, much less eight, so she was going to take them to the shelter today, but overnight they started having diarrhea, and we all know what the local shelter does to sick puppies. So, she has called ahead and gotten prices and she decided she can afford an exam and a puppy diarrhea panel for two of the puppies. We had her just bring in one puppy so that she would still have money for treating it. [New Hire] was helping me with this one, but I don’t think she is ready to do this kind of discharge talk. Can you do it?”
Me: “Sure, what am I telling her?”
Doctor: “Let her know the puppy has [parasite], and it is incredibly unlikely that the rest of the litter doesn’t. So for his size, he’ll need 1mL of this every day for three days. We’re sending her 30mLs; the extra is for spillage. You understand exactly what I mean by ‘spillage’?”
Me: “You really have to ask?”
I go up to the lobby and put the charges in the computer and call the owner up to the counter.
Me: “Good news! It isn’t parvo. It is [parasite] and that is easy to treat. The rest of the litter likely has it as well, so we don’t need to do the tests on them. You just have to give this liquid once a day for three days.”
I demonstrate how to use the dispenser to measure the dose.
Owner: “Oh, that is great. So, how much is it?”
I tell her the price and her face falls.
Owner: “Oh, dear. That is a very expensive medication.”
Me: “Not really. You see, you only need to give him 1mL a day, and we are sending home quite a bit more than that so if you accidentally spill some you still have plenty.”
Owner: “I don’t think I could possibly spill that much. Can you send home less? I need to save up to bring the others in to get exams and medication for them.”
Me: “Well, yes, we do need to do exams on the other puppies in order to send home any medication with their names on it, but we want to make absolutely sure that, no matter what, this little guy has plenty. Just in case you drop some, or it sticks to the side of the dispenser.”
Owner: “But I won’t drop any, and I really doubt that much is going to stick to the dispenser.”
Me: “We are sending you extra so that if you accidentally grab the wrong puppy and give one of his siblings a dose instead, you will still have plenty of medication.”
Owner: “Oh, no, he has very different markings from the rest; I wouldn’t make that mistake.”
Me: “I really don’t know how else I can explain this. Um…”
Owner: “Explain what?! That you think I’m a clumsy idiot that will waste more of the medication than I actually use?!”
Another client who is waiting in the lobby comes up to the counter.
Man: “Excuse me, miss. I couldn’t help but overhear. Am I allowed to say what I think you are not allowed to say?”
Me: “Sir, as long as you aren’t threatening or being vulgar, I am not legally required to stop you from saying anything.”
Man: “Excellent!” *Turns to the puppies’ owner* “You said you have other dogs, right? They are sending you enough medicine for all of them, but legally, they can’t say that is what they are doing. So, pay for the medication, take it home, and ‘spill’ it down the other dogs’ throats. I’m assuming they are all the same size and therefore should get the same dose.” *Turns back to me* “That’s right, right?”
Me: “Nobody who works here would ever tell you to administer medication to an animal it was not prescribed to. That would be illegal. But yes, if we were to send home medication for the other puppies, they would be getting the same dose.”
Owner: “Oh, wow. Oh, gosh, thank you so much. I’m going to write a review telling everyone how awesome you are to do this for me.”
Man: “NO, YOU ARE NOT! They are bending the law pretty far for you and your dogs. You can talk about how nice they are, how caring the doctor was, and how they found a treatment plan within your budget, but you will most certainly not say anything about them sending home medication for an animal they didn’t examine.”
Owner: “Oh, right. That makes sense. Thank you all so much!” *Pays and leaves*
Me: “Thanks for helping with that.”
Man: “Not a problem. I didn’t want the poor dogs to suffer from foolish human disease.”
The puppies all recovered and we helped the owner find good homes for all of them. We still see the six that stayed in the area regularly for vaccines and checkups.
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