Their Long Distance Wires Got Crossed

California, Extra Stupid, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | May 23, 2019


(I am visiting a family planning clinic to get on birth control.)

Staff: “So, other than regulating your menstrual cycle, why are you going onto birth control if you’re not sexually active?”

Me: “I’m in a long distance relationship and my boyfriend is coming to spend two weeks straight with me. So, naturally, I want to be smart.”

(The staff member frowns, looks blank, and then discusses the side effects of the protections.)

Staff: “So, why do you want the [protections] again? You told us you’re not currently sexually active.”

Me: *pause* “Because… I am in a long distance relationship and my boyfriend will be visiting soon.”

(The staff member stares at my file, still looking blank.)

Me: *thinking* “Oh, my God, why is she not getting this?!”

Staff: “So, you still haven’t explained why you want to be on the [protection]. Is it because you want to regulate your menstrual cycle, and that’s it?”

Me: “Yes, I did tell you why. I told you twice.”

Staff: “And?”

Me: *face-palming* “My boyfriend is coming to visit.”

Staff: *still looks blank* “But you’re not sexually active?”

Me: “You know what? I give up. Write whatever the heck you want in my chart.”

Staff: “I can’t write whatever I want; I need an actual reason.”

Me: “I AM NOT SEXUALLY ACTIVE RIGHT NOW, BUT I AM GOING TO BE SEXUALLY ACTIVE WITH MY BOYFRIEND WHILE HE VISITS!”

Staff: “So, you just want to regulate your menstrual cycle, since you’re not sexually active?”

Me: “Okay, I’m done with this nonsense. I’m going to a different [Clinic]…”

(Funnily enough, the next nearest clinic caught on the first time I mentioned my boyfriend, and I got my protections right away. When I looked back on it later, I could kind of understand someone having difficulties with a patient who is merely implying rather than outright stating, but at the point that I baldly stated my intentions, it should have clicked.)