Take My Breath Away…

home, Lazy/Unhelpful, Louisiana, Medical Office, New Orleans, Patients, USA | Healthy | May 31, 2018


(I’m in the early stages of dating my partner, and one night he falls asleep while we are watching television. It’s the first time he’s ever fallen asleep with me present and I almost immediately notice that he appears to stop breathing in his sleep for LONG periods at a time between heavy snores and gasps for air. It’s so long that it scares me, and I go to wake him up, but his own snort/gasp wakes himself up before I can.)

Me: “Did you know that you stop breathing in your sleep?”

Partner: “What are you talking about? I just snore really loudly is all.”

Me: “YES. It freaked me out.”

(He dismisses my concerns and we go back to watching television. Shortly after, he falls asleep again and I pull out my camera to record this time. It’s the weirdest and most horrifying thing to watch his back and neck muscles strain while he stops breathing for up to 45 seconds at a time — yes, I timed it. He wakes up again, and I’m prepared.)

Me: “You have to watch this. You need to go to the doctor to get this checked out. Of the three minutes I recorded, you didn’t breathe for 170 seconds!”

Partner: *after watching* “That’s probably not good.”

(Two months later, he has just finished doing the at-home sleep assessment which is required before the official sleep study at the hospital. Note that he has complained significantly about the test. He had to wear a device on his face and a band on his chest to check his breathing. They also put an “annoying pulse monitor” on the finger, so he complained that he had too many wires going to too many parts of his body for him to sleep at all during the test. Regardless, he meets with the doctor two days later to discuss the results.)

Partner: “Guess what they found out. I stop breathing in my sleep. We went through a lot of hassle to prove what we already know.”

Me: “Ha! You stop breathing while you sleep? I never would have guessed. I thought that the 30- to 45-second breaks in breath sounds were just your lungs taking a nap.”

Partner: “My record was 82 seconds. Champion!”

Me: “Woohoo! Winner! Some people can’t hold their breath that long when they are trying to.”

Partner: “I can do it in my sleep.”

Puff! And You Have A Doctorate

Extra Stupid, Funny Names, Pets & Animals, UK, Vet | Healthy | May 29, 2018


(I’m taking my cat in for a checkup. My name is Dr. Smith; the cat’s got an odd, definitely non-human name. Let’s say it’s Puffles.)

Receptionist: “Puffles?”

(I get up and come over with the cat in a carrier.)

Receptionist: “Hello, Miss Puffles. So, the cat’s name is Dr. Smith?”

Me: “No. My name is Dr. Smith.”

Receptionist: *squinting at the screen* “It says here that your name is Puffles, and the cat is Dr. Smith.”

Me: “I don’t know how that happened, but it’s wrong.”

Receptionist: “Are you sure?”

Me: “I can assure you that this cat doesn’t have a doctorate.”

(The cat can’t even figure out how to fall off a chair, and yet it gets my PhD!)

Those Poor, Poor, Dolphins

Bizarre, Patients, Pharmacy, USA | | Healthy | May 28, 2018


(It’s my second day working for a pharmacy at a local grocery store. We have a display near the register that has animal-themed thermometers like dolphins, seals, whales, etc. A woman walks up and picks up a dolphin thermometer, looking at it for a good minute or so.)

Me: “Hi, did you need help with anything?”

Woman: “Yeah, are these for rectal use?”

Dislocated From Reality

Health & Body, home, Parents/Guardians, Patients, USA, Washington | | Healthy | May 27, 2018


(When I was in middle school, I dislocated my shoulder for the first time. Since then, I have dislocated it several times in a few different ways. This is the first time I dislocate it while sleeping. I wake up and realize my arm is not in the right location. I manage to get upright and moving out of my room. I make it to the door to my parents room and knock.)

Me: “Mom?” *muffled grumbling* “Mom, it’s [My Name].” *more grumbling* “My shoulder’s dislocated again.”

Mom: *sleepily* “No, it’s not; you’re dreaming. Go back to bed.”

Me: “Um, no, it’s really dislocated. I need help.”

Mom: “You’re dreaming. Go back to bed.”

Me: “No, it’s dislocated. My arm is six inches longer than normal.”

(There was a flurry of movement as both of my parents realized I was not dreaming and did, in fact, have a problem.)

Butt-Hurt About The Butt-Cream

Bad Behavior, Ohio, Patients, Pharmacy, USA | | Healthy | May 26, 2018


(I work in a pharmacy in a large box store. On Sundays, when only one pharmacist is on duty, the pharmacy shuts down for them to take a lunch break. This story is related to me by one of the pharmacists. The gate is down, but can sort of be seen through, and the pharmacist can be glimpsed through the holes.)

Lady: *at the top of her voice* “HEY! HEY, YOU! ARE YOU OPEN?!”

Pharmacist: “Uh, no, ma’am, we reopen in ten minutes. Please come back then.”

Lady: “IT’LL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE! I NEED SOME BUTT CREAM!”

Pharmacist: “Ma’am, we’re closed! Please come back in ten minutes.”

Lady: “BUTT! CREAM! JUST GIVE ME SOME G**D*** BUTT CREAM!”

Pharmacist: “Ma’am, we’re closed! We’ll reopen in ten minutes!”

Lady: “THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I JUST NEED SOME BUTT CREAM!”

(She finally stormed off… two minutes before we reopened for business.)

Eye Think Eye Have A Problem

Bizarre, Hawaii, Hospital, Optometrist/Optician, Patients, USA | | Healthy | May 25, 2018


(A woman comes into the ER.)

Woman: “I got bleach in my eyes.”

Me: “All right, ma’am, we have a flushing station over here, and then the doctor will check you out.”

(She’s uncomfortable for an hour, but we get her eyes clean, the eye doctor gives the all clear, and she leaves. Two days later, she comes back.)

Woman: “I was gardening and a palm frond stabbed me in the eye.”

(I’m starting to wonder how good our eye doctor

A Whirlwind Of Stupidity

Emergency Room, Extra Stupid, Patients, USA | | Healthy | May 24, 2018


(I work at a small emergency department, not far from an amusement park. We get a steady stream of minor injuries from the park most days, but this one is unique. A teenage boy who is definitely old enough to know better is brought in by ambulance after he calls 911.)

Doctor: “So, what made you call 911 today? Must have been pretty serious.”

Boy: “Well, I started getting really dizzy. And I felt like I was going to throw up.”

Doctor: “Hmm, well, that could be any number of things. Did you do anything new or unusual today that might have triggered these symptoms?”

Boy: “I felt fine until I went on the Tilt-a-Whirl…”

Doctor: “I… you… I think you’re going to be okay.”

(Yes, he literally called 911 without asking his parents because he got motion sick. No, he didn’t have a developmental disability that would have explained his decision. His older sister showed up shortly after, heard what he’d done, slapped him upside the head, and dragged him out of the department. His parents are not going to be happy with the bill.)

Better Late Than Never!

Australia, Language & Words, Medical Office, Patients, Silly | | Healthy | May 23, 2018


(In Australia, certain medical costs are covered by Medicare for everyone and some only for specific populations. A person with a chronic disease can access some funding for allied health visits through a program colloquially called a Care Plan. Word of mouth from friends or family often makes people aware of this.)

Elderly Female Patient: “My friend told me I should ask you about family planning. “

Doctor: *taken aback* ” Did you mean family planning? Because that’s things like contraception.”

Patient: “OH! ” *laughter*

Doctor: “Oh, you meant a Care Plan!” *more laughter from both* “Unless you did want to have a baby

Tic-ing Along Nicely Until You Came Along

Gym, Health & Body, Illinois, Jerk, Strangers, USA | | Healthy | May 22, 2018


(I have pretty mild Tourette’s syndrome, with my only real vocal tics being a wheeze, a cough, or consistent sniffling. Most people understand once it’s explained to them. I’m at the gym, working on the arc trainer, and my Tourette’s is having a bad day, so I’m making all manner of noises. Next to me are two ladies. I have my headphones on, so I’m pretty oblivious to the goings-on around me, when suddenly I’m being tapped on the arm. I take my headphones off and look over to see one of the ladies standing by the machine I’m on.)

Lady: “Excuse me, but you should be wearing a mask if you’re sick.”

Me: “Huh? I’m not sick. I feel fine, but thanks?”

Lady: “You’re coughing and wheezing and sniffling. You must have a cold or the flu. You shouldn’t even be here, but if you’re going to be, you need a mask!”

Me: “Oh! I’m sorry; I actually have Tourette’s. I’m not sick; those are just my tics.”

Lady: “If you’re sick, you should wear a mask.”

Me: “But I’m not sick. I just told you. I have Tourette’s. It’s a neurological thing. I’m not physically ill.”

Lady: “I’m a nurse! I know what Tourette’s is, and you should be wearing a mask!”

(At this point, I’m more annoyed by the fact this lady is interrupting my workout than her insistence she knows more about my health than I do.)

Me: “If you know what Tourette’s is, then you know a mask wouldn’t do any good. I am not sick. I’m sorry if the tics caused some confusion.”

Lady: “You should be wearing a mask if you’re going to be sick here! I’m going to complain to the front desk!”

Me: “But I’m not sick. And really, if you’re worried about germs, is this really the place for you to be?”

Lady: *after a moment of silence* “You should have a mask.”

(She and her friend then moved down to the end of the row of cardio machines and went back to their workout, and I went back to mine. They kept shooting me dirty looks throughout. The worst part is my Tourette’s gets worse when attention is drawn to it, as I get very self-conscious and nervous. So, thanks. Nice job breaking it, lady.)

Eye See Death

Bad Behavior, British Columbia, Canada, Optometrist/Optician, Patients, Vancouver | | Healthy | May 21, 2018


(A customer and her husband have walked in and I go over to help them find some glasses. During our conversation, I ask the wife if they’ve seen an optometrist, as we have one on staff that accepts walk-ins.)

Customer: “Yes, we’ve already seen an optometrist. Several, actually. It took us a long time to find one that we like.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’m glad that you found one that you liked.”

Customer: “Yes, they were all so awful. One was so bad that we had to report him to the Board of Optometrists!”

(I usually avoid getting into the politics and gossip regarding other optometrists, so I try to keep my response vague. The wife seems to be getting more agitated the more she talks about it.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that.”

Customer: “Well, I heard he’s dead now, anyway, so that’s good!”

Me: “Wow… That’s actually really horrible.”

Customer: “Oh. I guess I shouldn’t say things like that, should I?”

(The customer shrugged and turned to ask her husband a question, completely unfazed. I’ve worked all kinds of retail over 15 years now, and I’ve never heard something so awful come out of someone’s mouth before. I left them alone to look and never helped the couple again.)

Nổ Cho Dữ...Ai Dè !










Vừa đẩy cửa bước vào phòng mạch của ông Chiropractor, tôi nghe một giọng nói chát chúa oang oang như cái loa bể đập vào màng nhĩ làm tôi muốn dội ngược trở ra. Một bà bệnh nhân to con dềnh dàng đang rống cổ nói vói vào trong với ông bác sĩ đang chữa cho một bệnh nhân ở phòng trong :

- Cô ghét mấy thằng sợ vợ lắm, mấy thằng sợ vợ là mấy thằng ngu, tại sao phải sợ nó, cái gì cũng phải có sự công bằng, “phíp ti phíp ti”(fifty) vừa vừa phải phải thôi chớ. Mấy thằng con cô mà sợ vợ là cô chưởi nó te tua. Cô nói “nó là “xì bê xì a lít" (specialist), mày cũng “xì bê xì a lít” như ai vậy, sao mày phải sợ nó”. Còn con gái cô, cô dạy nó hổng được ăn hiếp chồng, ăn hiếp chồng là thứ mất dạy. Phải chi không có ăn học thì không nói gì, người có ăn có học mà chưởi bới ăn hiếp chồng thì coi như vô giáo dục, phải hông?




Nghe bà ta nói vậy tôi nghĩ thầm trong bụng chà bà này cũng “chính nhân quân tử” biết phải biết quấy quá chớ, hiếm có ai mà nói được như vậy, ông chồng bả có phước thật. Tôi ngồi xuống cạnh bà ta mở tờ báo mang theo ra đọc vừa nghe bà ta nói tiếp.

- Như cô nè, ông xã cô “ne vờ” sợ cô, cô nói trước rồi ông không có được sợ tui làm người ngòai tưởng là tui ăn hiếp ông dữ lắm. Tui nói đâu ông nghe đó thì tui lấy gì chướng mắt để mà ăn hiếp ông. Một tuần ổng đi làm sáu ngày, còn một ngày ở nhà, cô kéo ổng đi chơi, khi thì nhà bạn bè, khi thì đi shop, có tuần thì cắt cỏ, vậy là êm ấm trong ngòai, còn thì giờ đâu để lớn tiếng gây gổ, cậu thấy hông?




À thì ra tôi lầm. Bà ta chơi cái màn “tiên hạ thủ vi cường” chận họng ông chồng bả trước hèn gì. Nội nhìn cái tướng bà ta mà ông chồng không tự động phát rét thì cũng lạ, còn dám hó hé lạng quạng gì nữa mà không êm ấm. Tôi cố chăm chú vào tờ báo nhưng đọc tới đọc lui mãi một câu cũng không vô đầu, phần vì bả nói quá lớn, phần vì cái máy CD đang chơi nhạc Mỹ hiện đại, hát không ra hát mà nói không ra nói. Thường mọi khi, những bệnh nhân tới trước, trong lúc chờ tới phiên thì mạnh ai nấy đọc báo hoặc chơi iphone, nếu có trò chuyện thì cũng khe khẽ vừa đủ nghe chớ có đâu lại ong ỏng như rao hàng ở chợ trời.




Cậu bác sĩ tuy đang xoa nắn chỉnh xương cho một bệnh nhân ở phòng trong nhưng lát lát cũng biểu đồng tình ừ ừ dạ dạ với bà ta. Cậu bác sĩ này rất bình dân vui tính, lại thích gossip, tay làm việc mà miệng chẳng lành da non, bệnh nhân nào tới viếng cậu lần thứ ba là cậu ta thuộc lòng, nhớ vanh vách chuyện ba đời nhà người ta để có thể up date khi gặp lại. Do vậy bệnh nhân nào cũng mến thích cậu ta, coi cậu ta như con cháu ruột rà tha hồ mà kể lể cập nhựt chuyện gia đình mỗi lần tới chữa bệnh. Nhưng theo phép lịch sự, muốn nói thì bà ta phải chờ khi tới phiên mình vào trong rồi hãy nói, đàng này bà ta cứ thản nhiên mở hết volume tươm tướp.

- Cô mới “ken xồ” (cancel) đi Nhựt hồi sáng nè. Đáng lẽ vài bữa nữa đi Nhựt nhưng ông xã cô bị viêm lỗ tai phải mổ thình lình nên phải “ken xồ”.

Bên trong cậu bác sĩ hỏi vọng ra:

-Vậy là cô phải chịu lỗ mất tiền vé hả?

- Đâu có, mất sao được, mình có lý do chính đáng mà, nó trả “phun” (full) lại và cô “búc”(book) đi Âu châu chơi, đi ba tuần, năm sáu nước luôn. Phải đi du lịch cho biết đây biết đó với người ta chớ ở nhà hòai ngu sao. Đi một ngày đàng học một sàng khôn mà.

- Vui há, cô chịu chơi quá ta! Nhưng cô có tiền thì nói vậy chớ người ta hổng có tiền lấy gì đi? À hình như tuần rồi cô nói mới bán bớt một căn nhà phải hông? Cô còn mấy căn, bán rẻ cho con một căn đi.

Bà ta cười hô hố:

- Cậu Trần nói chơi hòai. Cậu đang sống ở cái vùng thượng lưu trí thức, tòan là dân Úc, bộ tui không biết sao. Dễ gì cậu chịu dọn về cái chỗ tạp nhạp Li Băng bắn lộn nhau hà rầm này. À mà cậu có sợ vợ không vậy? Chắc không đâu hả. Cái tướng của cậu uy nghi lẫm liệt quá mà sợ vợ nổi gì.

- Uy nghi là sao, cô biết coi tướng hả, bữa nào coi giùm con coi chừng nào con khá đây.

- Chời ơi coi tướng là nghề của cô mà. Con dâu con rể của cô là do cô coi tướng cưới về đó. Đứa nào cũng là “xì bê xa lít” hết á. Bởi vậy bây giờ cô khỏe re, một năm đi du lịch ba bốn chuyến. Đi gần giáp vòng thế giới rồi.

- Số cô sướng quá hả? Con cũng thích du lịch nhưng mà đi riết hết tiền. Làm bao nhiêu cũng hết. Bây giờ phải bắt đầu stop bớt để cho mấy đứa nhỏ đi học. Bà xã con kẹt ba đứa con xấp xỉ nhau, đâu có đi làm được phụ với con. Có một đầu lương mà phải tiêu xài cho hết cả nhà, lấy gì dư.




Nói tới đây thì cậu bác sĩ đã chữa xong cho ông bệnh nhân bên trong. Ông bệnh nhân này bước ra mặt mày quạu đeo, có lẽ từ nãy giờ bị “trúng miểng” cái đài phát thanh nổ. Tôi đóan có lẽ ông này là bệnh nhân mới nên chưa đủ quen để bắt chuyện với cậu bác sĩ vui tính chớ nếu không thì bà này đâu có cơ hội “phát sóng” từ ngòai phát vô.




Bây giờ thì chính thức tới phiên bà ta "được nói". Chờ bả vào trong, tôi bắt đầu lại câu truyện trong tờ báo mà nãy giờ đọc tới đọc lui hai ba bận vẫn không biết nói gì.

Đang cắm cúi đọc, bỗng tôi nghe tiếng la thất thanh từ trong vọng ra:

- Á, á.. chế…t chế…t, chết, đau, đau quá cậu ơi!

Tiếng cậu bác sĩ vỗ về:

- Cô rán chút đi, cái khớp xương này ấn vô là phải đau thôi. Cô hít vô thở ra đều đặn thì sẽ đỡ, tại vì lâu ngày nó bị stiff quá rồi. That’s why.

Coi bộ bớt đau được một chút, không nghe bà ta than thì lại nghe bà ta nói:

- Cô đi nhiều ông “cai rô” (Chiro) rồi mà khi tới đây gặp cậu, thấy cách thức cậu chữa bệnh, cô vừa ý quá nên bây giờ tới luôn.

Ngưng nói thì bà ta lại kêu đau:

- Á á, chết, chết, nhẹ tay chút.

Tôi nghĩ thầm trong bụng tôi cũng thường đi bác sĩ chỉnh xương mà hồi nào tới giờ đâu có nghe ai rên la ầm ĩ lên như gà bị cắt tiết như bà này đâu. Ngay cả con nít đá banh bị lọi chân trẹo giò đem lại sửa cũng không la khóc nữa, còn bả, cái thân như bồ tượng mà nhịn đau một chút không được sao. Kiểu này chắc hồi đau bụng đẻ, bả chưởi ông chồng bả nát nước tưng bừng nổ phòng sanh luôn.

Cứ như vậy suốt 15 phút, lát nói, lát thì than đau cho tới khi cậu bác sĩ "đả thông kinh mạch" xong cho bà ta ra ngòai. Trong lúc chờ bà ta mở xách tay lấy giấy tờ ra tính sổ thì cậu bác sĩ hướng về phía tôi nói:

- Rồi tới bác, mời bác vô phòng thứ hai cho con đi bác.

Tôi buông tờ báo xuống đi vào trong. Vừa vô tới phòng trong thì nghe bên ngòai bà ta kêu lên:

- Chết cha, cô bỏ quên thẻ bảo hiểm sức khỏe ở nhà rồi, thôi cho cô thiếu, chút chiều cô đem ra tính sau nha.

Cậu bác sĩ lịch sự nói:

- Không sao đâu, ngày mai cũng được cô à.




Và cậu ta chạy vội vào trong, vừa chạy vừa hát nghêu ngao “dodo… dodo”…, đã nói là cậu bác sĩ này rất vui tính mà.

Vừa vào trong cậu ta “mở máy” ngay:

- Trời ơi! con sợ cái bà này thì thôi! Nổ sao mà nổ quá trời hổng chừa chỗ cho ai hết. Lần này là lần thứ ba bả tới đây đó. Bả nói con cái, dâu rể gì của bả cũng làm specialist hết á.

- Mà chuyên khoa về bệnh gì chớ?

- Con cũng không biết nữa, bả nói bả có tới mấy căn nhà, ăn ở không đi du lịch tùm lum. Hồi nãy bả khoe mới cancel đi Nhựt vì ông xã bả phải đi mổ lỗ tai thình lình. Trể chuyến đi Nhựt, bả quay qua book đi Âu châu, công nhận bà này sướng thiệt.

- Nghe rồi, bả oang óac như cái đài phát thanh, ngồi kế bên bả muốn điếc con ráy luôn. Mỗi người một số cậu ơi! Trời cho ai nấy hưởng, tới hồi bị lấy lại thì cũng hết đường đỡ. Cũng tội nghiệp!




Sau khi nhận tiền mạch của tôi, cậu bác sĩ nhắc tôi lấy tờ báo đem về. Tôi nói:

- Cậu không nhắc chắc tôi quên, cũng hổng sao, quên thì để đây cho người khác đọc.

Và tôi bước lại chiếc bàn con để sách báo định lấy lại tờ báo của mình đem theo lúc nãy thì không thấy tờ báo đâu cả. Tôi nói:

- Đâu mất rồi cậu ơi!

- Hổng có hả bác, vậy là bà “nổ” bả lấy rồi chớ gì. Nãy giờ đâu có ai vô đây ngòai bả và bác. Kỳ vậy nè, ý trời ơi! tờ Việt Luận của con mới mua hồi sáng này trước khi tới mở cửa phòng mạch cũng bị bả cũng “dzớt” luôn rồi. Hết nói nổi! có 2 đồng bạc một tờ báo mà cũng chôm của người ta nữa. Muốn coi thì đi mua đi.

Tới đây thì cậu bác sĩ vui tính này không cười nổi nữa. Cậu lắc đầu ngao ngán phát biểu:

- Người Việt mình thiệt tình đi tới đâu cũng để tiếng xấu tới đó. Bởi vậy con phải mua nhà ở thiệt xa, nơi chỉ có dân Úc rặt mà thôi dù mỗi ngày phải lái xe mất hai tiếng đồng hồ để tới chỗ làm. Dân tình gì mà chán thiệt. Nổ cho dữ ai dè!...

A Totally Crap Present

Canada, Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, Nurses, Patients, Revolting, Silly | Healthy | June 24, 2018


I have to give a stool sample. I don’t have to go while I’m at the clinic, so I go home and bring it back later. Literally the only opaque bag I can find in the house is a gift bag… so I put the container in that.

I feel bad, but watching the nurse’s expression turn from delight to horror as she realizes I have not brought her a present is… pretty funny.

A Totally Crap Present

Canada, Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, Nurses, Patients, Revolting, Silly | Healthy | June 24, 2018


I have to give a stool sample. I don’t have to go while I’m at the clinic, so I go home and bring it back later. Literally the only opaque bag I can find in the house is a gift bag… so I put the container in that.

I feel bad, but watching the nurse’s expression turn from delight to horror as she realizes I have not brought her a present is… pretty funny.

From No Breathing To Heavy Breathing

Australia, Hospital, Patients, Rude & Risque, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Healthy | June 23, 2018


(I’ve been having trouble getting solid sleep lately, and my partner informs me that I’ve suddenly stopped breathing in my sleep a few times. My doctor refers me to a local hospital for a sleep study. My partner comes with me, since he’ll be helping me set up the equipment for my at-home study. The technician walks us through the process, and packs everything up for us to take home.)

Tech: “Now make sure you start hooking this all up a half hour before midnight, okay? You don’t have to be asleep when it switches on, but you should be in bed and settling down for the night. It’s all automated and will beep when it comes on, and switches off again at nine-thirty. Any questions?”

Me: “No, I think I’m—”

Partner: “Yes! I have one.”

Tech: “Yep?”

Partner: “We can still have sex once she’s all hooked up, right? I’ve always had a thing for Borgs.”

(One look at his face, and the tech can tell he’s not serious. I’ve been pretty anxious about the not-breathing thing, and he’s been trying to make jokes all day to cheer me up.)

Tech: “Now, I know you’re joking, but please don’t actually do that. You can damage the leads or accidentally switch the recording device off. We’ve had it happen.”

Partner: *surprised* “You’re kidding!”

Tech: “No. We even had one man book an in-hospital test, and his wife showed up with him. She apparently thought it was like a hotel, and that he was just after a night away from the kids.”

Me: “Wow.”

Tech: “She wasn’t thrilled when we told her she had to leave.”

Partner: “Well, would you be? I mean, there goes your romantic evening in these luxurious surroundings…” *he waves around the very basic hospital room we’re sitting in*

Use Your Emergency Words

Hospital, Language & Words, Patients, USA | Healthy | June 22, 2018


(I’m putting a splint on a patient who broke his thumb working on heavy machinery. I’m trying to keep him talking to help with the pain.)

Me: “So, how did you get into this kind of work?”

Patient: “F*** if I know… Oh, sorry!”

Me: “I don’t mind; this is a f****** ER.”

Patient: *laughs*

This Rule Is A Lie (Down)

California, Extra Stupid, Hospital, Los Angeles, Security, USA | Healthy | June 22, 2018


(I’ve ended up in the ER waiting room with an excruciating spinal headache, due to a myelogram test I underwent four days earlier. This means I can’t have any part of my spine bent for more than a minute or so without the headache coming on and making me severely sick. I’ve been becoming severely sick the entire four days anytime I’ve so much as gone to the toilet, so I’ve been forced to be bedridden the entire time. The waiting room has nowhere to lie down, not even two chairs near each other without a non-removable armrest between them. I also know that if I stand in place straight up for more than a few minutes my blood pressure will drop and I’ll lose consciousness. For lack of any other solution, I’ve crawled to lie down on the floor in a semi-clean corner, with my head under one of the unused seats, to hide from the bright ceiling lights and be as much out of the way as possible. I’ve been waiting this way for over an hour. I carefully get up to ask the check-in nurse how much longer it’ll be. She can’t tell me; she can only say that I’ll have to wait some more. I go back to my place on the floor. In less than a minute, a security guard comes up.)

Guard: “Miss, you can’t lie on the floor here.”

Me: “What? I need to be lying down. If I don’t, I’ll become badly sick.”

Guard: “Well, but surely you can sit down, miss; there are seats here. You just can’t be lying down.”

Me: *bewildered at having to explain such obvious things in an ER waiting room, and after already having lain there for an hour without being bothered or bothering anyone* “I’m sorry, but I can’t sit anywhere. The reason I’ve come to the ER is that I have a specific condition where I become severely sick when I’m sitting. There’s no way I can physically be in that position right now. I have to be lying down so I don’t become ill.”

Guard: “Oh, well… But miss, there’s a rule that says you aren’t allowed to lie on the floor in this room. So couldn’t you please just go over right there and sit in one of these nice empty seats, anyway? There’s a rule, you see.” *looks at me expectantly like he’s making a perfectly reasonable suggestion.*

Me: “…”

(I checked later: there were no signs anywhere in the room stating such a rule.)

Attempts To Cut The Line Are Painful

Canada, Chiropractor, Doctor/Physician, Jerk, Patients | Healthy | June 22, 2018


(I go to a small chiropractic office with no receptionist. As you come in, you ask the others waiting who is last in line, and then you know where your place is in line. The doctor brings the previous person out, and the next person in line goes in. Works excellent, usually. One day, I have been waiting through three or four previous patients and I am the only one left waiting. A guy comes in, looks around and sees me, a middle-aged woman, standing there.)

Guy: “I’m sure you won’t mind if I go ahead of you. I’m in a lot of pain.”

Me: “Actually, I’m in quite a bit of pain, too.”

(The guy gives me a dirty look and sits down. The doctor emerges and the guy jumps up to be next. The doctor swivels sideways to block the guy’s entrance to the office.)

Doctor: “Hello, [My Name], you’ve been waiting so patiently even though you’re in too much pain to sit down. I’m sorry to have been so long.”

(Apparently the guy tried this whenever there was a woman in front of him. Love my chiropractor.)

Because There Is No One Else Sick Today Except You

Bad Behavior, Medical Clinic, Patients, Pennsylvania, USA | Healthy | June 21, 2018


(This takes place in a busy OB/GYN clinic. I’m a provider, one of four who are scheduled to see five or six patients per hour. We run all day to stay on schedule. A notoriously needy patient calls the front desk staff.)

Patient: “I have my appointment card and it says three, but I’m pretty sure my appointment was for one… Can you check?”

Clerk: “Looking in the computer, you’re scheduled for three, so we’ll see you then!”

(The patient over the years has scammed the private phone number for the patient care area, and calls.)

Patient: “I have an appointment for three, but I’m really sure I am supposed to come at one… You can see me, right?”

Nurse: “No, we are booked solid. We’ll see you at three!”

(Of course, the patient arrives at one. The desk clerk tells her we will see her at three. She sits in the waiting room and complains to everyone around her. Since we share a waiting area with a large family practice clinic and a couple of specialties, this gives her lots of opportunities. The poor desk clerk begs us to get her in early; initially we refuse, but after an hour, I have a teeny break in my schedule, so I relent. She smirks as the nurse brings her to the exam room. I do her routine visit. On the way out:)

Patient: “Oh, [My Name], I knew I could count on you; you’re always so nice to me.”

Me: “Well, [Patient], it turned out I had one opening in my schedule. The person scheduled for this time didn’t come, because she lost her baby.”

Patient: “Oh, [My Name!] Why did you tell me that?! Now I feel bad!“

(Can’t have that, can we?)

A Sixth Sense That It’s The Sixth Month

Australia, Extra Stupid, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, Melbourne, Reception, Victoria | Healthy | June 21, 2018


(I have a bad cold and need a medical certificate for work. I go to the walk-in clinic in my area, and the receptionist asks for my public health care card. I pass it to her.)

Receptionist: “Do you have a current one?”

Me: “Isn’t that current?”

Receptionist: “It’s expired; I can’t accept it.”

Me: “What? I haven’t gotten a new one yet.”

Receptionist: *she flips it around to show me, and taps on the expiry date*

Me: “Um, that’s not expired.”

Receptionist: *she taps it again*

Me: “That says 07-18.”

Receptionist: “Yep.”

Me: “It’s June.”

Receptionist: “Yep.”

Me: “June is the sixth month.”

Receptionist: “Wait.” *she checks something on her computer* “SO IT IS! Okay, the wait is currently half an hour; take a seat and we will call you when you’re up!”

Me: “Thanks.”

Receptionist: “And keep an eye out in the mail for your new card!”

Me: “I will!”

America: The Land Of The Freely Medicated

Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Nurses, Patients, Silly, USA | Healthy | June 21, 2018


(I consider myself very lucky that I have always been healthy. I was never sick often as a kid, and have no chronic ailments as an adult. Call me crazy, but I generally assumed that was the case for most people unless they had a serious accident, or developed a condition, etc. That is, until recently, when I check into the hospital for a minor procedure. Nothing is wrong; this is a procedure having to do with fertility. My mom goes with me the morning of my appointment and is sitting by my bed while I fill out the final pre-surgery forms and get set up with the IV, etc. Over the course of the next half-hour, I have only slightly different versions of the same conversation with every nurse and doctor who comes to check on me:)

Nurse #1 : *checks my chart* “I see here your only medication is birth control?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Nurse #1 : “No allergies? No other medications?”

Me: “Nope.”

Nurse #1 : “Hmm… Okay.” *leaves*

(Mom and I give each other a look, but don’t think anything else of it. Then the next conversations happen:)

Nurse #2 : “Are you sure you don’t take any other medications?”

Nurse #3 : “Are you sure you don’t have allergies?”

Doctor #1 : “Wow! No other meds?”

Nurse #4 : “I can’t believe you’re not taking anything else!”

Doctor #2 : “Birth control is the only thing you take?”

Me: *turning to my mom after the last doctor leaves* “Are they being really, really thorough, or do we just live in a very unhealthy area?”

Mom: “When I had surgery last year only two people asked me about the medicines I take. It seems strange to me, too, and you’re so young! What do they expect you to be taking?”

(The procedure goes fine, and soon I’m waking up from the anesthesia.)

Mom: “Hi, honey.”

Nurse #5 : “Hi there, [My Name]! You did great!” *checks my chart* “Are you really only taking birth control, and nothing else?”

Me: *slurred and groggy* “Seriously?! How unhealthy did you expect me to be?!”