I’m Feline Crazy!

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Pennsylvania, Silly, USA | Romantic | April 10, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are hanging out on the couch watching television. He’s got his yarn and crochet hook out when I have a realization.)

Me: “You know, I think we’re crazy cat people.”

Boyfriend: “Why? Because I’m crocheting a sweater vest for the cat?”

Me: “That may have something to do with it

The Number Of The Mistress

Bizarre, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, Retail, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | April 7, 2018


(My store has a loyalty program with no card or keyring tag; we look customers up by their phone number. In cases where people are shopping for gifts and are not in the system or not interested in being in the system, we encourage people to give us the phone number of the parent of the child they’re shopping for, so they get the points for the purchase. For the sake of this story, we will say my husband’s phone number is (123) 456-7890.)

Me: “And your phone number for your rewards?”

Customer: “(123) 987-6543.”

Me: “Hmm, nothing under that number. Could it be under your home number?”

Customer: “Oh! It’s probably under my boyfriend’s number. He has kids! (123) 456-78—”

(At this point, my brain stops. I’m thinking, “This can’t be happening. She’s giving me MY HUSBAND’s phone number as her boyfriend’s. What are the odds of this happening?!”)

You And I Can Write A Grammatically Correct Romance

California, home, Language & Words, San Francisco, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | April 5, 2018


(My wife and I kiss farewell before we head off to our respective cars and our respective jobs.)

Wife: “I love you.”

Me: “I love you. You are the best wife who ever wifed.”

Wife: “You are the best husband who ever husbanded.”

Me: “Not as best as your wifing… That sentence was grammatical!”

Wife: *pause* “I’m out of here.”

Eating For Two, One Last Time

Car, Charlottesville, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners, USA, Virginia | Romantic | April 4, 2018


(I’m in hard labor with my first child, who is two weeks overdue. After early labor all day, it’s now past midnight and the contractions are unbearable. My husband is driving me to our hospital, forty five minutes from home. I’m in the passenger seat, eyes tightly closed, counting my breathing and the miles under the tires. The car finally comes to a slow stop, and I’m ecstatic that we’ve arrived.)

Me: “Oh, thank God. I can’t take this much more! We’re there, right?”

Husband: “Uh, well…”

Outside The Car: “Welcome to [Tex Mex Fast Food Place]. Are you interested in a combo meal?”

(Two meals ordered, and we were back en route to the hospital ten minutes away. Nine years later, we still joke about being the couple that showed up in the labor and delivery ward with a duffel bag and Tex Mex.)

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That’s Flawed Writing

Canada, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | April 3, 2018


(I get up to grab something off the shelf when I trip suddenly and nearly fall, barely catching myself on the arm of the couch.)

Husband: “Are you okay?!”

Me: “Yeah. I’m like a badly-written character out of a crappy love story, the way I manage to trip over nothing all the time.”

Husband: “In that case, at least it’s your only flaw.”

Me: *tries to get up and falls again* “I’d rather have flaws

Takes A Lecture To Get A Number

Australia, College & University, Extra Stupid, Flirting | Romantic | March 30, 2018


(I’m in a college tutorial class, where instead of a large seminar room, about 20 of us are sat in a smaller room with a few group tables. There is a table I’ve sat at because I think one of the guys is cute; however, I don’t say a word to him. The lecturer wants us to refer to our textbook for the tutorial, but I haven’t bought it yet. The guy I like has taken a picture of someone else’s book on his iPad.)

Guy: *glances over* “Do you want the picture?”

Me: “Uh… Yeah. Sure.”

Guy: “Okay, what’s your number? I can send it to you.”

Me: *being super clueless* “It’s okay; don’t worry!”

(I legitimately go to take a picture of his screen with my phone.)

Guy: “Er, I think sending it to your number is better.”

Me: “Huh?”

Guy: “Jesus. I want your number!”

(After the class, he messaged me and said I made his ploy to get my number quite awkward!)

Finally Doing The Thing

New York, Outdoors, Proposal, Silly, USA | Romantic | March 30, 2018


(I’ve been dating a guy for a while, things have been going pretty well, and he finally proposes!)

Boyfriend: “I was thinking about us getting married. What do you think?”

Me: “Swiggity swing! You get the ring, and we’ll do the thing!”

(We’re getting married in three months.)

Going To Break Something Else In A Minute…

Extra Stupid, home, New Zealand, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | March 29, 2018


(My wife and I are together after she’s spent the day with her close friend. Suddenly, her voice becomes sad.)

Wife: “Babe… Ugh… I stood on [Friend]’s scale today.”

(I mistake the sadness in her voice and think something bad must have happened to occasion this sadness. Desperately thinking what it might be, I latch onto the phrase “stood on” and take it to mean “accidentally stepped on.”)

Me: “Oh, did you break it?”

(She was speechless, and I came to the horrifying realization of what I’d just said. Cue several minutes of her laughing her head off while I desperately apologized repeatedly.)

When You’re Dating A Blank Tape

Australia, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Jerk, Non-Dialogue | Romantic | March 28, 2018


It was my birthday and I had planned a fancy dinner party for a few close friends, to celebrate. This was also the night I was going to introduce them to the man I had been dating for a couple of months.

He was supposed to come over a few hours early to help me get everything ready. I didn’t hear from him all day, and when he wasn’t there by three, I texted to see where he was and received no reply. He didn’t show up at all, and there was no word from him until the next day.

I asked him what happened, and he said he didn’t know that the dinner party was on that night, that his phone was out of battery, and that he had missed the last bus to my place. He even said that he would have walked the three hours it would have taken, but he had my birthday present with him and it was too big and heavy to carry that far.

I was pretty angry, but I knew he wasn’t the brightest spark, so I explained to him how I felt and let it go. He showed up a few days later with my birthday present: a VCR that he was planning to connect to my VCR to double-tape his favourite movie for me. The movie in question was a horror movie that was discussed in a conversation we had about how I couldn’t handle the sight of blood.

Then he asked me, “Do you have a blank tape?”

When You’re Dating A Blank Tape

Australia, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Jerk, Non-Dialogue | Romantic | March 28, 2018


It was my birthday and I had planned a fancy dinner party for a few close friends, to celebrate. This was also the night I was going to introduce them to the man I had been dating for a couple of months.

He was supposed to come over a few hours early to help me get everything ready. I didn’t hear from him all day, and when he wasn’t there by three, I texted to see where he was and received no reply. He didn’t show up at all, and there was no word from him until the next day.

I asked him what happened, and he said he didn’t know that the dinner party was on that night, that his phone was out of battery, and that he had missed the last bus to my place. He even said that he would have walked the three hours it would have taken, but he had my birthday present with him and it was too big and heavy to carry that far.

I was pretty angry, but I knew he wasn’t the brightest spark, so I explained to him how I felt and let it go. He showed up a few days later with my birthday present: a VCR that he was planning to connect to my VCR to double-tape his favourite movie for me. The movie in question was a horror movie that was discussed in a conversation we had about how I couldn’t handle the sight of blood.

Then he asked me, “Do you have a blank tape?”

When You’re Dating A Blank Tape

Australia, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Jerk, Non-Dialogue | Romantic | March 28, 2018


It was my birthday and I had planned a fancy dinner party for a few close friends, to celebrate. This was also the night I was going to introduce them to the man I had been dating for a couple of months.

He was supposed to come over a few hours early to help me get everything ready. I didn’t hear from him all day, and when he wasn’t there by three, I texted to see where he was and received no reply. He didn’t show up at all, and there was no word from him until the next day.

I asked him what happened, and he said he didn’t know that the dinner party was on that night, that his phone was out of battery, and that he had missed the last bus to my place. He even said that he would have walked the three hours it would have taken, but he had my birthday present with him and it was too big and heavy to carry that far.

I was pretty angry, but I knew he wasn’t the brightest spark, so I explained to him how I felt and let it go. He showed up a few days later with my birthday present: a VCR that he was planning to connect to my VCR to double-tape his favourite movie for me. The movie in question was a horror movie that was discussed in a conversation we had about how I couldn’t handle the sight of blood.

Then he asked me, “Do you have a blank tape?”

We Wish You A Long And Lasting Hummus

home, Oregon, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 27, 2018


(We live in a two-level house, where one level is basement-level and the other is ground-level. Our bedroom is in the basement level, with the living room directly over it. One night, my husband is staying up watching a movie, and I’ve decided to go to bed. Right before falling asleep, I remember that I made fresh hummus and he put it in the freezer to chill a few hours before. Worried that it may be frozen, I send him a message.)

Me: “HUMMUS! It must be saved from the ice caves of Fridge Island, or it shall be doomed to never be cherished and savored again. That would be a loss for us all.”

(I count twenty seconds between sending the message and hearing him jump from the couch above me, jog to the kitchen, rip open a bag of chips, and get the hummus from the freezer. Ten minutes later I hear him sit back down. I get a message back.)

Husband: “This… This is what marriage is about.”

Maiden For Life

British Columbia, Canada, Grocery Store, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Vancouver | Romantic | March 26, 2018


(A customer calls my store to place a cake order for the following week. When I ask for a name for the order, this happens.)

Me: “And can I get a name for your order, please?”

Customer: “[First Name] [Last Name #1 ]. No, [Last Name #2 ]. [Last Name #1 ] is my maiden name.” *the customer starts laughing* “I can’t believe I said that.”

Customer’s Husband: *in the background* “We’ve only been married 35 years.”

Friendship Is The Best Kind Of ‘Ship

Best Friends, Fights/Breakups, High School, USA, Washington, Young Love | Romantic | March 25, 2018


I had a tough time keeping friends as a kid because of my temper and my dark sense of humor. By middle school I was pretty much a loner. By pure chance, that ended up being the year I met the girl that would be my best friend. She was (and still is) a quirky, innocent type, sweet, kind, and really funny, but she also didn’t always get why her jokes were funny. She also wasn’t an aggressive person, always choosing to let something go rather than risk starting a fight over it. Even though we were really different, we got along great and I feel like I really grew as a person with her by my side.

In sophomore year, I started dating a guy I really liked. He seemed really nice and we had a lot of fun together. After we’d been dating a year, I stupidly agreed to sleep with him, since I was sure that we were in love and had a real chance for a future together someday.

Something changed afterwards. We still hung out like normal, but he didn’t seem as into our relationship as he was before. He would show more interest if sex was involved, but it was always a temporary solution. My friend suggested that my boyfriend and I go to an upcoming school dance together, along with her and a few people we knew. It was going to be a fun night of fancy outfits and partying. When I brought up the idea to my boyfriend, he seemed okay with the idea, and plans were made to meet up there.

When I got to the dance, I was doing great. I looked good, I felt good, and I was pumped to have a good time with people I cared about. And that’s when I walked into the dance hall and saw my boyfriend dancing and kissing his new girlfriend. I yelled at him for a bit before I had to run away in tears.

I made it to the entrance hall before I collapsed into a corner. I just wanted to die, I was so upset. My friend arrived, saw me huddled over in tears and ran to me, asking what was wrong. She gave me a blank stare as I explained. When I finished, she pulled me in for a hug before she stood back up, told me to stay put, and began walking away. Confused, I decided to follow, anyway.

In a fantastic moment I wish I had recorded, she walked right through the gym doors, straight up to my now ex-boyfriend, and slapped him. As he stood there in shock, she stared him dead in the eyes and said, “You are a bad person, and you should be ashamed of yourself.” She then turned around and walked back toward where I was standing, grabbing a cup of punch and a cookie from the snack table for me on her way. That was 15 years ago, and we are still best friends to this day.

A Sharp Wit Can Be A Lifesaver

Awesome, Chicago, Health & Body, home, Love/Romance, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 24, 2018


(I’ve been suffering from chronic depression for most of my life, and my husband has been exceptionally patient and loving to me through my episodes. With his help, I’ve built a system that allows me to work through many of these episodes without medical or chemical help, which is especially important as I am currently nursing our infant son. Part of this system is warning my husband when I’m feeling especially emotionally raw, which we call a “blue day.”)

Me: “Love, I just wanted you to know I’m having a blue day.”

Husband: *concerned* “You okay, sweetheart?”

Me: “I’m just… stuck in this loop. I don’t even know what triggered it. I keep thinking, ‘Just go for the knife,’ and I can’t snap out of it.”

Husband: “Want me to dull the knives for you?”

Me: *caught off guard* “Wait, what?”

Husband: “Seriously! By the time I’m done, you’ll be asking, ‘Why won’t these things even cut butter?!'”

(I had to laugh as he acted out the impossible knives that couldn’t cut room temperature butter, and then got our toddler in on the fun. I’m so blessed to have someone like him!)

Intelligent Human Life Is Not Found Here

California, Extra Stupid, home, Language & Words, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 23, 2018


(I’m reading an article debating how humans would act if we ever actually found alien life. After finishing it, I look up at my husband who has just walked into the room.)

Me: “How do you think humans would react if they ever found proof of the existence of intelligent human life?”

Husband: “What?”

Me: “How do you think humans would react if they ever found proof of the existence of intelligent human life?”

Husband: *looks confused* “One more time?”

Me: *getting exasperated* “How do you think humans would react if they ever found proof of the existence of intelligent humaaah…” *I suddenly realize what I’ve been saying* “…alien life. I meant alien life.”

Husband: “Oh, thank God. I thought I was going crazy for a minute! First we’d deny that it’s intelligent, then we’d try to eat it.”

Castration Frustration

home, Ireland, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Weather | Romantic | March 22, 2018


(My husband has a YouTube playlist running, and the current song is by a singer with a surprisingly high vocal range. At this point, Ireland and Britain are in for a few days of serious snow and minus zero temperatures.)

Husband: “You know, if he didn’t have a wife and child, I’d say he was castrated.”

Me: “What does being castrated have to do with having a wife?”

Husband: *to daughter, pointing out the window* “Look! Snow!”

Me: “Nice deflection, dear.”

(It was snowing, but the timing was perfect…)

Definitely Has The Balls To Do It

Bad Behavior, Blackburn, Coworkers, England, Exes/Old Flames, Fast Food, Non-Dialogue, Revolting, UK | Romantic | March 21, 2018


I work at a fast-food place with my friend. It’s mid-summer and my friend has just had a messy breakup with his girlfriend of three years, after he caught her having sex with another friend. Four days post-breakup, we are working the grill area when in walks his ex and the guy she cheated with, clearly showing him off as her new boyfriend.

She makes eyes with my friend and then orders her food. It’s all grill items, and my friend knows it’s her order because she ordered the same unusual alterations to her food when they were together.

It becomes apparent very quickly that both she and the guy intend to humiliate my friend by making him make them their food. He looks around and notes several things.

1) It’s the middle of summer and it’s over 35 degrees Celsius [95 degrees Fahrenheit] in the kitchen.

2) His crotch and rear have been within three feet of a 180+ degrees Celsius [356+ degrees Fahrenheit] grill for several hours.

3) The managers on duty are all either doing office work or customer facing, and can’t see him.

4) His ex can only see him from the neck up, due to how the kitchen is built.

My friend then decides that his ex’s order needs some extra sauce. He proceeds to work his hands down his pants and, after a bit of wiggling, brings from the depths of his crotch enough sweat to drip it onto first the ex’s and then the new boyfriend’s burgers before sending them and wandering off to wash his hands. Throughout all of this, I have neither intervened (because she did kind of deserve it) or assisted (because I didn’t want “sweat sandwich” as my dismissal reason), but I have kept a straight face and so has he. His ex doesn’t realise something is up, and once she gets her food, she looks at him again and smirks before wandering off to sit down.

At this point, I fulfil my obligations as a normal human and tell him he’s a maniac, he laughs it off, and we carry on about our business, stopping briefly to watch his ex and her new boyfriend leave the store.

Other mutual friends and coworkers of ours inform me that this event repeated on no less than five other occasions over the next four weeks, so the two of them got quite the dosage over time.

So far as I know, she never discovered that she ate a diet very high in ball sweat for several weeks, but it’s remained an amusing story within our friend group for the better part of a decade now.

The lesson to be drawn from this is: don’t go rubbing things in the face of someone who’s making your food. Who knows what “extra ingredients” you might end up with?

The guy is a prison warden now; God help the inmates

It’s Not Working Out

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Fights/Breakups, Gym, Jerk, Pennsylvania, USA | Romantic | March 20, 2018


(My boyfriend and I have been going to a gym regularly for the past several months, so we have a pretty well-established routine. I’ve been stretching for maybe a minute after getting there when my boyfriend comes up to me, an odd expression on his face.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, we need to talk.”

(I’m not usually one to jump to conclusions, but anyone in a relationship that hears those words combined with an odd expression on the other person’s face is bound to have a little heart attack. But, seeing as how the past few weeks have been wonderful between us, and he hasn’t given any indication of anything amiss, I figure he might be about to ask to stay at my house, since it is snowing very badly and he lives more than half an hour away. He leads me to the gym lounge that’s right next to the entrance of the building, and breaks up with me. In a gym. Not even after we’ve finished working out, but before. In a very public setting. I go to the bathroom to process what had just happened, and to bawl my eyes out for a bit. After a few minutes, I text him about taking me home, since I don’t exactly feel like working out right now, and he is the one that drove me there.)

Me: “Hey, can you please take me home? I’m not exactly up to doing anything right now.”

(A few minutes pass without response.)

Me: “Did you start working out?”

Now-Ex Boyfriend: “Yeah, but I can take you home.”

(So, to recap, he broke up with me, in a gym, not after we did what we came there to do, but beforehand, and still expected to go on like nothing happened. Am I being sensitive, or was that basically the relationship equivalent of polishing a crystal vase with a sledgehammer? And, on top of all that, the snow was so bad that he did end up staying the night with my family and me. I think it was a real contender for awkward dinner of the year.)

Some Things You Don’t Graduate From

Canada, home, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | March 19, 2018


(My wife is house-sitting for her parents and I’ve mostly been at home, but I go to visit her this evening.)

Me: “Do you find it weird sleeping with your high school grad picture looking at you?”

Wife: “I… didn’t notice that.” *turns picture around* “I was so innocent!” *pause* “No, I wasn’t.”

Nice Saves On Not-So-Nice Subjects

Australia, Bad Behavior, home, Melbourne, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | March 18, 2018


Husband: “Would you be mad if you fell asleep and I started doing you…”

Me: “…”

Husband: “…”

Me: “…”

Husband: “…a …huge favour by rubbing your back?”

(On another occasion… Note: My husband works as a barista.)

Husband: *referring to a very attractive woman we had just met* “Wow, I would make sweet, sweet…”

Me: *raises eyebrows*

Husband: “…coffee for her?”

(My husband is the king of nice saves.)

Of Mice And Men And Cats And Boyfriends

Books & Reading, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Movies & TV, North Carolina, Pets & Animals, USA | Romantic | March 17, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are hanging out, watching anime. Of note, my boyfriend is a couple years older than me. Predictably, my cat decides that he really, really needs to be the center of attention.)

Me: *hugging cat* “I got you. You’re trapped. No escape.”

(My cat wriggles free and runs off, but is back on my lap within 30 seconds.)

Boyfriend: *laughs*

Me: *hugging cat again* “I’m gonna love him, and feed him, and name him George!”

(As my cat once again escapes me, I see that my boyfriend has a confused look on his face.)

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “You’re not old enough to get that joke!”

Me: “Uh, no, it was assigned reading back in high school.”

Boyfriend: “Wait, what?”

Me: “Steinbeck, Of Mice and Men? Lenny and George?”

(My boyfriend just looks even more confused.)

Me: “Or are you thinking of the Looney Toons jokes referencing it?”

Boyfriend: “Wait, wha– YOU’RE TOO YOUNG TO KNOW LOONEY TOONS!”

Me: “It’s older than your parents.”

Boyfriend: “…”

Cat: *trying to put his butt on my face* “MREOW

Either Way, You’re Both Just Nuts

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Long Distance, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | March 16, 2018


(My long-distance boyfriend and I are messaging, asking about each other’s days and so forth. He asks me what I have been doing today. I’ve been working on the same project that I’ve been working on the past several days, so I tell him to guess. After a few deliberately ridiculous guesses, he guesses correctly: I’ve been working on the music for my studio’s upcoming recital.)

Me: “Yes, I was working on music, you nut.”

Boyfriend: *sends emoji of a hazelnut*

Me: “Ooh! Hazelnuts are my favorite nuts!”

Boyfriend: “Wait, I thought I was your favorite nut!”

Me: “Well, cannibalism is frowned upon in most societies.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I hope I’m not your favorite nut to eat.”

Me: “Besides, I said hazelnuts were my favorite nuts. Plural. You’re my favorite nut, singular.”

Boyfriend: “Aw, thanks!”

The Infinity Breakfast

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, England, Geeks Rule, home, Movies & TV, Nottingham, Silly, UK | Romantic | March 15, 2018


(I’ve just woken up, I’m being a bit lazy in getting up, and I want five more minutes of snuggles. I turn to my boyfriend, who is half-awake next to me. Warning: Marvel Cinematic Universe spoilers.)

Me: “Babe. You know how in Thor: Ragnarok, Loki went to Odin’s vault in the end? Do you think he took the Tesseract and saved the blue Infinity Stone?”

Boyfriend: “He almost definitely did. That’s why Thanos has it in the trailer for Infinity War.”

Me: “So, what happened to the red Infinity Stone?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, the strawberry stone. Not sure. Don’t know what it does.”

Me: “Okay, well, Doctor Strange has the green one. And what happened to Loki’s staff? That had the yellow stone in it.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, the lemon stone. It’s by the sugar stone and the pancake stone.”

(I’m keeping him.)

Tied To That Answer

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Chicago, home, Illinois, Rude & Risque, USA | Romantic | March 14, 2018


(My girlfriend and I have settled in for some kinky romance. She is wearing black lingerie, and I have just finished putting her into some light bondage. As I am pretending to force myself on my more-than-willing partner, the phone rings:)

Caller: “Is [Girlfriend] available?”

Me: “Sorry, but she can’t come to the phone. She. Is. Tied. Up. Right. Now.”

Caller: “All right, we’ll try another time.” *click*

(I don’t know if the guy realized that I was telling the absolute truth.)

Must Have Been Some Pun-ishing Sex

home, North Carolina, Rude & Risque, Silly, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 13, 2018


(My husband and I have a ten-month-old daughter. I’m sitting with her while she plays with some toys. She has one of those cubes where you put the different shaped blocks in the different shaped holes. She’s not good at using the shaped holes yet, but there’s a larger opening for getting the blocks out, so she puts them and other small toys in the cube all the time. The baby puts a yellow ball in a purple cup.)

Husband: “She likes putting things in that purple cup.”

Me: “She likes putting things in other things in general.” *motions towards the cube*

Husband: “Well, so do we. That’s how we got her.”

Me: “…”

Husband: *smiles*

A Conversational Attack

Bad Behavior, Baton Rouge, College & University, Harassment, Louisiana, Strangers, USA | Romantic | March 12, 2018


(It’s the middle of dead week, so I decide to multitask by polishing my term paper while eating dinner in the on-campus cafeteria. Someone I don’t know sits in the other seat of the two-person booth I’m in, but I figure the cafeteria’s packed and there’s nowhere else to sit.)

Stranger: “Hey.”

Me: *not paying attention* “Hi.”

Stranger: “How’re you doing?”

Me: “Eh.”

Stranger: “What’re you working on?”

Me: “Term paper.”

Stranger: “Cool. What class?”

Me: “I don’t want to be rude, but this paper is due tomorrow, and it’s worth half my grade, so I’d rather focus on this.”

Stranger: “God, I just wanted to talk.”

Me: “It’s dead week, it’s six pm, and I’m in pajama pants. My hair is clearly overdue for a wash, I’m eating and typing with considerably more focus on the latter, and I’m sitting at a table that can hold meals for two, or a meal and laptop for one. What made you look that that and think, ‘That’s a girl crying out for small talk with a stranger’?”

Stranger: “You don’t need to be such a b****.”

Me: “Apparently, I do.”

Your Loyalty Is Numbered

Australia, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Retail, Silly, Toowoomba | Romantic | March 11, 2018


(My boyfriend is shopping while I’m looking after the trolley filled with things from a previous shop. When he returns he is smirking.)

Boyfriend: “So, the girl behind the counter just asked for my number.”

(My eyebrows shoot up in surprise.)

Me: “Really?”

Boyfriend: “Yep.”

(He throws something down on the table.)

Boyfriend: “For a loyalty card.”

Me: “Wha… oh. Oh!”

Boyfriend: *laughs at my expression*

Weeding Through The Bad Gifts

Health & Body, Holidays, home, Minnesota, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 10, 2018


(I smoke medical marijuana for PTSD and fibromyalgia pain. It’s Valentine’s Day, and my wife comes home and tosses me a package.)

Wife: “Babe, I got you flowers!”

Me: “Aww, so sweet!”

(It was my order of weed buds, aka “flowers.”)

Chivalry Means Buying The Sex Toys

Movie Theater, Movies & TV, Oregon, Portland, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 9, 2018


(After seeing a scene in the last “Fifty Shades” movie:)

Husband: “Do you think he buys all new toys with each girl?”

Me: “I mean, to be fair, he can afford to.”

Husband: “But isn’t that part of his dominance? Like these are his tools and he uses them on everyone?”

Me: “Possibly, since he wasn’t serious with his previous girls.”

Husband: “And now?”

Me: “Listen. When you get married, you buy all new butt plugs!”

Nursing A Hospital Hangover

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, California, Health & Body, Hospital, Long Beach, Silly | Romantic | March 8, 2018


(My girlfriend and I are both bi women. She is in the hospital to have a minor operation. I have to work, but I stop by after my shift. She’s woken up already, and I find out she’s had a panic attack — which is apparently fairly normal when waking up from anesthetic — and is recovering from it still. I go to see if I can help, being a friendly face and all. When I get there, she is still having the attack and is clinging pretty desperately onto the male nurse. When her panic does subside enough, I end up taking over so the nurse can do nurse things. My girlfriend is self-conscious over the fact she had a panic attack, so I try to lighten the mood.)

Me: *joking* “Are you being like this because I caught you with a man?”

Girlfriend: *super confused* “What?”

Me: “I mean, getting to cuddle up that real cute nurse. You sly dog.” *I nudge her playfully* “I mean, if you wanted to add a man to us, I wouldn’t be against it.”

Girlfriend: “I don’t understaaaaand!”

(She lightens up after that, and I hang about for a few hours until she’s released. As we’re leaving, we walk by the male nurse, who says goodbye. When he’s out of earshot…)

Girlfriend: “He was so cute!“

Me: “He’s the nurse you clung to when you were panicking!”

Girlfriend: “D*** it! I don’t remember

Make It An Ex-Pun

Australia, Best Friend, Divorce, Exes/Old Flames, home, Punny | Romantic | March 7, 2018


(I’m currently going through a divorce, and my wife is now wanting to take the dog. I tell my friends about this development.)

Me: “[Ex-Wife] is talking about stealing [the dog]. Goody.”

Best Friend: “That’s rough.”

Me: “Is that a pun?”

Best Friend: “Not intentionally, but it works, so I’ll claim it.”

Getting Shirty About The Shirt

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Fights/Breakups, Geeks Rule, Jerk, Memphis, Retail, Tennessee, USA | Romantic | March 6, 2018


(My girlfriend and I are waiting in line to check out at a store. We’re in our late 30s, and while I’m into a lot of geeky things, she’s not. While in line, a rather attractive younger woman comes up behind us. She’s wearing librarian glasses, a [Popular Old Video Game] pendant necklace, and a t-shirt printed with one of those parody [Role-Playing Dungeon Game] alignment charts. I can’t help but notice and start to read her shirt, which means I’m staring directly at her chest. My girlfriend notices after a moment, grabs my sleeve, and gives me a nostril-flaring death stare.)

Me: *doesn’t get it at first* “What?” *gets it* “What? I was reading her shirt!”

Young Woman: *also doesn’t get it* “Oh, you like?” *pulls shirt out a bit making it easier to read*

Me: “Yeah, that’s really cool. Have a great day!”

(The girlfriend and I get through the register quickly, fortunately. Let’s say that her driving on the way home is a bit, um… aggressive. After she takes a turn that screeches the tires:)

Me: “I really was just reading her shirt. It was a [Role-Playing Dungeon Game] alignment chart, but with [Popular Space Movie] characters.”

Girlfriend: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “No, see, there’s this idea of a grid that your character can fall into, and that determines what you..”

Girlfriend: *cutting me off* “SHUT UP!”

Me: “But that’s–”

Girlfriend: *cutting me off again* “SHUT. THE. F***. UP. NOW!”

(After getting home, she shut herself in the bedroom. I have a feeling I’m sleeping on the couch tonight, all because I couldn’t not know that whole chart.)

The Cake Is A Lie, But With A Really Good Excuse

Bad Behavior, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Cambridge, England, home, Proposal, Silly, UK | Romantic | March 5, 2018


(I am female in my late 20s. This has been the worse fortnight of my life so far; I was made redundant at work, I fell out with a very close friend over something really stupid, and someone rear-ended me. My period has also started, making everything a lot worse, as I get extremely hormonal during this time. Now, my glasses have broken. I emotionally break down, and cry at my boyfriend.)

Me: *whilst sobbing* “I have no friends, no vision, no car, and no money to sort out two of those problems! AND I’M BLEEDING EVERYWHERE!”

Boyfriend: “Shall I go get some cake?”

Me: *stops wailing, but still sniffing* “Cake?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, let’s go to [My Favourite Cake Place].”

Me: *sniffing* “Really?”

Boyfriend: “Really, really.”

(He goes on the cake trip. He comes back sooner than I’d expect, and hands me the bag, which is too light to have cake in it. I open it up and find a ring box with a ring in it.)

Boyfriend: “Will yo—”

Me: *truly distressed* “Where’s the cake?!”

Boyfriend: “I… Erm.”

Me: “You said there would be cake!”

Boyfriend: “Okay… You’re irrationally—”

Me: *irrationally upset* “I am not irrationally upset! You promised cake! Instead, I get a ring that I can’t even see properly, because I have no vision! How could you betray me like this?!” *ugly, hysterical sobbing*

(He did go get me cake. And I did apologise to him over being overly emotional and dramatic. Surprisingly, he still wanted to marry me after that, so I said yes.)

Stupid Jerk Humor

Colorado, Denver, home, Jerk, Punny, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 4, 2018


(I am speaking with my wife while on lunch. She is doing computer work at home.)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Louisiana is so mean.”

Wife: “What?”

Me: “Yeah, you know, all that jerk chicken from Louisiana.”

Wife: *typing in the background*

Me: “Hello?”

Wife: “Jerk chicken is Jamaican, not creole.”

Me: “You looked that up, didn’t you?”

Wife: “Yes. I thought you were wrong; I just had to make sure.”

(More conversation, and then…)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Jamaica is so mean.”

Wife: *laughs uncontrollably*

Romance Is Not In The Cards

Bizarre, Harassment, Outdoors, Strangers, UK | Romantic | March 3, 2018


(I am shopping in my town’s high street when a woman approaches me. I am male.)

Woman: “You have a very beautiful aura. I can tell you are a fervent believer in the Abrahamic God. Perhaps you and your wife, if you have one of course—” *suggestive look* “—would be interested in joining [Local Church]?”

Me: “Umm, actually, I’m an atheist, and my boyfriend is a Buddhist, so I don’t think [Local Church] would suit us very well.”

(She looks at me like I’ve just grown an extra head and walks away. I finish my shopping and head toward home, only to see her again walking up to a bin. She takes out a pack of cards and a large crystal.)

Woman: “These things are f****** useless!”

(She dropped them in the bin and left. Curious, I took a look. They were tarot cards.)

Being Sour Grapes

California, Family & Kids, home, San Francisco, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 2, 2018


(My wife and I are contemplating what to name our first child.)

Wife: “I’m not opposed to ‘Grace’ for a middle name.”

Me: “Neither am I. Better that than ‘Grapes.’”

Wife: “What? When was that on the table?”

Me: “Grapes are frequently on tables!”

(My wife says I’m not taking this process seriously. I don’t know what she’s talking about.)

The Number One Thing You Can Do With A Cat

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, North Carolina, Pets & Animals, Revolting, Silly, USA | Romantic | March 1, 2018


(My boyfriend has stayed the night at my house. I leave for my morning class. I expect him to still be asleep when I get home, but he meets me at the door, looking frazzled.)

Boyfriend: “Babe, I’m so sorry!”

Me: “Uh… What?”

Boyfriend: “I accidentally peed on your cat.”

(Turns out, my “helper” cat heard water running in the bathroom and, investigating the splashing noise in the toilet, ended up in the line of fire. My boyfriend calmed down when I explained that [Cat] repeatedly jumped into the toilet as a kitten and that was why I always keep the lid down.)

Doesn’t Realise The Weight Of That Statement

Australia, Car, Dating, Jerk, New South Wales | Romantic | February 28, 2018


(I have met someone on an online dating website. After enjoying chatting with each other for two weeks, we decide to meet up in person. The first date goes well, and we both agree that we would like to see each other again. On the second date, he brings me to a lookout, which turns out to be much colder and more windy than anticipated, so we end up sitting in his backseat, enjoying the spot. He is much more physically affectionate than I am, although this could be partially due to my never having been out with anyone before him. He begins to cuddle with me. Just as I am beginning to relax, he speaks:)

Date: “I don’t want to kill the mood, but… are you of a healthy weight?”

(He may not have wanted to, but he killed it.)

No Need To Get Crabby About It

Australia, Car, Language & Words, Queensland, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | February 27, 2018


(My husband and I are on vacation. We’ve come to a fishing village to spend a week fishing. We also intend to catch mud crabs, as my husband has never eaten real crab before.)

Husband: “I want to go on some photography expeditions. I think we can get some nice photos here.”

Me: “My goal is to catch crabs.”

Husband: “You really like crab, hey?”

Me: “I just really want to give you crabs.”

Husband: “You want to give me crabs?”

Me: *pause* “Wait! No! Not those type of crabs. I want you to taste crab.”