Read the Best Of May 2021 roundup!

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Make It Up To Her Or Face Her Withering Stare
GOLDEN YEARS, GRANDPARENTS, NURSES, NURSING HOME, PATIENTS, THE NETHERLANDS | HEALTHY | MAY 17, 2021
My grandmother always liked to look nice; she liked to regularly get her hair and nails done and preferred to spend a little extra on stylish clothes. She also almost always wore makeup — just a little colour to liven up her face a bit. She still did this when she was past ninety and had to move to a nursing home.

The move was not caused by diminishing mental faculties — she remained sharp as a tack until the day she died — but she had become wheelchair-bound after a nasty fall and her physical health had already been deteriorating. The home she moved into was very nice, but apparently, some of the staff were not used to elderly ladies paying as much attention to their looks as my grandmother did.

I was visiting Grandma when a young nurse came in to help her with her eyedrops. Her face took on a look of pure astonishment.

Nurse: “Why, Mrs. [Grandma], are you really wearing lipstick?”

Grandma must have been rather irritated at the tone and the apparent implication that elderly women wearing lipstick is something to marvel at, because her reply was rather indignant.

Grandma: “Yes, I am. I might be old, but I’m not withered!”

After the flustered nurse left, I nearly rolled off the couch with laughter. “I might be old, but I’m not withered” has since become a family favourite; whenever an older relative gets a comment along the lines of “Looking good for your age,” they fire off Grandma’s response. Everyone in the know then immediately bursts into laughter and starts reminiscing about dear Grandma.

CAT Scans In The Twilight Zone
BIZARRE, BOULDER, COLORADO, EMPLOYEES, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, LAZY/UNHELPFUL, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 15, 2021
I arrive early for my CAT scan and sit in the waiting room. [Tech #1 ] comes out of the back.

Tech #1 : “Is [Man] here? [Man]? [Man]?”

Receptionist: “Who’s [Man]?”

Tech #1 : “His wife is back there and too dizzy to walk. I’m looking for her husband.” *Louder* “[MAN]! [MAN]?!”

[Tech #1 ] disappears for a few minutes and then he’s back.

Tech #1 : “[Man]? [MAN]?! [Receptionist], would you page him?”

Receptionist: “What’s his last name?”

Tech #1 : “Just page [Man].”

Receptionist: “I can’t do that! There are lots of [Man]s!”

Tech #1 : “I don’t know his last name. Just page him!”

[Tech #1 ] disappears again. [Tech #2 ] comes out of the back pushing a woman in a wheelchair.

Tech #2 : “Someone’s supposed to transport this woman to the lobby.”

Receptionist: “Park her over there until they come.”

[Tech #2 ] parks the woman and goes into the back.

Tech #1 : “[Man]? [Man]?”

Transport Nurse: “Where’s the woman in the wheelchair?”

Receptionist: *Waving vaguely* “Over there.”

Transport Nurse: “I see the wheelchair, but it’s empty.”

Receptionist: “That’s odd.”

The transport nurse leaves.

Receptionist: “[My Name], we’ll get to you in just a few more minutes.”

Me: “That’s just fine. You’ve lost two people in the ten minutes I’ve been here, so I’m really overwhelmed with confidence at the moment.”

Someone else behind the reception desk calls out:

Employee: “Don’t ask me! I’m on lunch!”

Tech #1 : “[Man]?”

They did eventually find [Man]. They never found the missing lady. And my CAT scan went on without further incident — whew!

Testing Positive For Not Listening
CURRENT EVENTS, HEALTH & BODY, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, LABORATORY, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 12, 2021
I work in customer service for a testing lab, mostly testing people who need a negative test for international travel. While we’re able to answer 99% of customers’ questions, we legally can’t give medical advice since we’re not medical professionals.

Customer: “I’m supposed to travel next week, but I also just got an email that I can get my vaccine this weekend. Will the vaccine affect my results? Should I get the vaccine or not?”

Me: “While we haven’t had any issues with the vaccines affecting our tests, it would be best to ask your doctor about whether you should get the vaccine before traveling. I’m not allowed to give medical advice to customers.”

Customer: *Now yelling* “I’M NOT ASKING FOR MEDICAL ADVICE! I’M ASKING IF I SHOULD GET THE VACCINE OR NOT!”

Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 5
JERK, OHIO, OPTOMETRIST/OPTICIAN, PATIENTS, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 10, 2021
I’m a technician at a local eye clinic. I call back a new patient. I get his history and find out he’s diabetic and uses scleral lenses — the kind that covers the entire eye. Diabetes can wreak havoc on the eyes if not controlled.

Me: “What brings you here?”

Patient: “I’ve had pain in both my eyes the past two weeks.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I see you wear sclerals. How long have you been using them?”

Patient: “Oh, these are about ten years old. They’re in great shape!”

Me: “Oooookay? How long per day do you wear them?”

Patient: “Oh, I don’t take ‘em out! They’re so comfortable and I forget they’re there!”

My eyes instantly start to hurt for him, but I continue.

Me: “So… how long have these been in your eye?”

Patient: “About two months!”

Me: “So, you haven’t cleaned them or taken them out of your eye in two months?!”

Patient: “Nope. It’s not my contacts that are bothering me, though. My eyes just hurt.”

Me: “Okay… and you’re diabetic, correct? What’s your blood sugar usually run?”

Patient: “I don’t know; I rarely check. Like 400 something?”

I’m almost speechless but I continue.

Me: “Well, we need to take the contacts out so the doctor can look at your eye.”

Patient: “Do we have to? Taking them out will make my eyes hurt more.”

Me: “Yes. Yes, we do.”

The patient takes his lenses out. They are covered with dirt and build-up to where the lens is a milky grey color rather than clear. I look at the patient’s eyes and they are beet red and swollen. Finally, the doctor comes in after I tell him what’s going on.

Doctor: “Let’s take a look.”

After examining the patient, the doctor can see two huge corneal ulcers exacerbated by uncontrolled diabetes from extended lens wear causing the pain. The doctor explains that these are serious and can lead to permanent scarring which can be irreversible.

Doctor: “These are serious. You need to keep your lenses out to let the eyes heal.”

Patient: “No.”

Doctor: “No?”

Patient: “I’m gonna keep wearing my lenses.”

Doctor: “You really shouldn’t. If this infection doesn’t heal, you can be left with scars or could possibly develop into something much worse and lose the eye.”

Patient: “I don’t care. Give me my lenses.”

Doctor: “My tech has them. She’s finishing cleaning them for you.”

Patient: “Why in the h*** would you clean them?! They were fine!”

Doctor: “Sir, I can’t let you wear these in good conscience knowing it’ll make the problem worse.”

Patient: “F*** y’all! I’m going somewhere else where they know what they’re talking about. These contacts didn’t do anything to my eyes!”

He left with his contacts. We thoroughly documented the encounter and went on about our business.

A month later, he came back threatening to sue our company because he claimed we told him he could continue his lens use and never gave him any treatment for his condition — he left before we could — and now he had a pretty significant corneal scar in both eyes and would require a transplant. My doctor simply printed out the exam notes for him and told him he’d love to see him try. Harsh on my doctor’s part maybe, but don’t fight the people trying to help you!

Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 4
ADORABLE CHILDREN, HEALTH & BODY, JERK, PARK, SCHOOLMATES, STRANGERS, USA | FRIENDLY | JUNE 5, 2018
(I have heterochromia, which means I have two different colored eyes. My left one is blue and my right one is brown/hazel. I’ve had many people comment on them, good and bad. Example #1 : I’m taking pictures of the wildlife in the park for a school project. We’re taking a break and decide to make small talk.)

Me: “I like your bracelet.”

Partner: “Thanks, it was a birthday gift.”

Me: “Lucky.”

Partner: “Have you ever considered surgery to make both your eyes the same color?”

Me: “Does something like that exist?”

Partner: “Yeah. My aunt hates contacts but loves blue eyes.”

Me: “Unless it’s glaucoma or vision correction, I don’t feel comfortable going through expensive eye surgery.”

Partner: “But you’d look normal!”

Me: “My definition of normal and yours seem to be at different ends of the spectrum.”

(Example #2 : Same park, weekend, I’m painting the pond.)

Mother: “Go on. Ask her, sweetie.”

Little Girl: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes?”

Little Girl: “Are you a witch? Your eyes are odd.”

Me: “Shhh. If my father hears someone figured out my secret, he might give me twice my magic homework.”

Little Girl: “I promise I won’t tell.” *makes a “my lips are sealed” gesture and skips happily to her mother*

Related:

Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 3
CONVENIENCE STORE | WORKING | APRIL 11, 2013
(I’m at the store near my house, buying a six-pack of beer. I’m partially blind, but know my neighborhood well, and buy my beer/soda/snacks there regularly. This day, there is a new clerk.)

Clerk: “I’ll need to see your driver’s license for the beer, please.”

Me: “Sure thing, boss!”

(I hand over my state-issued ID, which is different from a driver’s license.)

Clerk: “This isn’t a driver’s license. You said you had a driver’s license.”

Me: “This is a state-issued ID. It functions exactly like a driver’s license for most purposes, except for driving.”

Clerk: “So, you’re a drunk driver, and they took your driver’s license away? I shouldn’t be selling beer to an alcoholic.”

Me: “No, I never had a driver’s license. I’m blind, I can’t drive.”

Clerk: “…because they took your license away. I don’t think I should sell this to you. You’ll wind up killing someone, and it’ll be my fault.”

(By this time, the owner realizes what’s going on and speaks up.)

Owner: “Just sell [my name] the **** beer!”

Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 2
BANK, EMPLOYEES, STUPID, USA | WORKING | JULY 4, 2012
(I am a customer at a bank. I am accompanying a friend who happens to be blind. He does not wear dark glasses, so his blindness is apparent to anyone who can see his face. After making a deposit, my friend asks for his balance, and the teller requests his driver’s license as proof of identity. My friend hands her his state-issued ID card.)

Teller: “I am sorry, sir. This ID is not acceptable. I need to see your driver’s license.”

Friend: “I do not have a driver’s license. This is my state ID.”

Teller: “I have to see your driver’s license to verify your identity before I can tell you the balance on this account.”

Friend: “Miss, I do not have a driver’s license. I cannot drive. This card is equivalent to a driver’s license for identification purposes.”

Teller: “Everybody over sixteen can drive, sir. If you do not have your driver’s license, I cannot give you the balance.”

Friend: “Look at me, miss. I am blind. Do you really think I should be able to drive?”

Teller: “Why not?!”

Not Seeing Eye To Eye
HOME | ROMANTIC | MARCH 30, 2012
Me: “I love you.”

Boyfriend: “I love you, too.”

(I touch my forehead to his, and look tenderly into his eyes. After a moment, he grins.)

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “You know, you look like a Cyclops when you’re this close.”

Me: “Really?” *can’t help but grin anyway* “I was trying to have a meaningful stare into your eyes.”

Boyfriend: “Well, I’m having a meaningful stare into your eye!”

Back Pain Sufferers, There Is Hope!
AWESOME, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, FLORIDA, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 6, 2021
I’m twenty. For the past few months, I’ve been getting experience in my major field by working long hours in a lab, counting out microscopic worms on Petri dishes. It’s not difficult or too taxing, but I’ve noticed lately that the way I have to sit to reach the scopes has triggered some lower back pain around the center of my hips. I try to ignore it for about three weeks, as my father just laughs when I mention it and I’m worried that my doctor, the pediatrician I’ve seen since birth, will do the same because of my young age and lack of strenuous activity.

It gets to the point that I can barely walk and every few seconds, a shooting pain jumps down from my back to the front of my knee. It’s beyond anything I’ve ever felt, before or since. The spasms keep me at night, and when I wake up one morning to discover that I can’t lean forward or backward more than a few millimeters, I finally go in to see the doctor. As my main doctor isn’t in that day, I’m paired with a new doctor in the practice I’ve never met before. She’s much younger than the others I’ve seen and is incredibly pleasant.

Doctor: “So, I’ve heard you’ve been having back spasms?”

Me: “Yeah. I know, I know, I’m too young to have a back problem. I haven’t had any big jolts to the system or anything, nothing more stressful than sitting in a lab all day, but no matter what I do, I can’t shake this. I didn’t want to bother you guys during the flu season with what’s probably just a stupid pulled muscle but I haven’t slept for two nights now. Laying down or sitting up seems to make it worse, and the over-the-counter painkillers don’t put a dent in it.”

Doctor: “Hey, it’s no problem at all! In fact, I wish you had come in a bit sooner! Back spasms can be really serious, so let’s see if we can figure this out.”

The doctor chats with me about what I’ve done so far to ease the pain and what showed any improvement or made it worse and puts me through some simple range of movement exercises

Doctor: “Okay, I’m going to do a few little tests that should confirm my suspicions about this. I’m going to be putting my thumbs at those little dimples you get at your lower back, okay? Just tell me if it hurts, and which side hurts most.”

I feel something akin to a nail being driven into the area she’s touching.

Me: “Holy moth— Left! Left side! Haha, ouch, Doc.”

Doctor: “Sorry! Sorry, just one more. Pop up there, lay down, and cross your right ankle over your left knee.”

When I lay down, my entire pelvis should be an inch closer to the ground than it is, and I mention it to her.

Doctor: “That’s normal if this last one gives us a positive sign. When I push down on your right knee here, is there—”

Me: “Pain?! Yes. Yes, there is.”

Doctor: “Positive sign! With how long you’ve let this go, it may be too tight for me to fix this here without you doing some home stretches first, but I’ll give it a shot if you’d like?”

Me: “Please, yes. Anything. Feed me to a lion if it would make this stop hurting so much.”

The doctor moves my left leg off the table to hang down the side and shifts my body so my hip also hangs off and instructs me to push up against her downward force on my left knee. My pelvic area makes an ungodly loud cracking sound that can probably be heard in the lobby as it feels like my entire pelvis drops down that missing inch. I fully expect extreme pain.

Me: “AAAGH— Oh, hang on.”

I sit up without difficulty.

Me: “Holy crap. It’s a little sore, but holy crap! You’re a miracle worker! What did you do?! I could kiss you right now!”

Doctor: *Laughing* “I put your sacroiliac joint back in alignment. It’s common for women to have problems with it, though it’s usually after childbirth or an impact accident like a car crash.”

Me: “Yeesh, no chance of that here, and I’ve never been in a wreck.”

Doctor: “Well, it’s unusual, but long periods of sitting in some positions can stress the ligaments and allow the joint to move out of alignment bit by bit. Please, if it ever starts to flare up again, don’t wait so long to come in! It should be manageable with targeted stretching exercises, and I’ll grab you our printout of the ones that should help, but don’t let it get this out of control next time!”

The next day, after a very good night’s sleep, I wrote two letters: one to the head of the clinic commending the doctor for her quick diagnosis and solution, and another to the doctor herself thanking her profusely for taking me seriously right off the bat and being so delightfully friendly during the whole appointment, despite it being a last-minute walk-in. I delivered them with snacks and chocolates for the staff and thoroughly enjoyed showing them how I could once again move without pain. I had to leave their practice once I aged out earlier this year, but I’ve never had a better experience with any other doctor.

A Sudden Jab Of Terror
CHILDREN, MEDICAL OFFICE, MISSOURI, NURSES, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 29, 2021
When I was around five or six, I was at the doctor’s office for a checkup. I knew I would be receiving an injection, and I was terrified of needles. My mother stepped outside of the room with the doctor while we waited for the nurse to come by with the shot.

There was a slight knock on the door and a nurse popped her head in.

Nurse: “Hi! I just need to grab something real quick.”

And she proceeded to pull out the biggest needle I’d ever seen in my short life! I screamed bloody murder.

My mother and the doctor came running back into the room to find the nurse frantically trying to calm me down, but I refused to even let her touch me. The nurse showed the doctor the needle.

Nurse: “I didn’t mean to scare anyone! I feel horrible.”

After the nurse left, my doctor sat down with me.

Doctor: “That needle is meant for more difficult patients and it does hurt, but you are getting the regular-sized needle that hurts much less.”

I later learned the nurse’s needle was for bone marrow aspiration. I received my injection with no complaint.

Those Customers Will Have You In Stitches
BIGOTRY, HEALTH & BODY, IOWA, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, RETAIL, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 27, 2021
I work in a doctor’s office that happens to be located inside a big box retailer. A few days ago, I had three punch biopsies done. The bandage on my shoulder blade feels weird, so I have a coworker check it for me.

An older and very condescending customer walks up and sees the bandage.

Customer: “You young people and your tattoos!”

For the record, I’m forty-five.

Customer: “What did you get, your latest boyfriend’s name? Or something else you’ll regret later in life?”

I choose my words carefully.

Me: “I have stitches on my shoulder blade from a punch biopsy to see if I have melanoma from multiple horrific sunburns in my youth. Would you like to see them?”

Don’t know why, but she walked away.

If You’ve Got Urine There, You’ve Got Bigger Problems
COLORADO, DENVER, FUNNY, HEALTH & BODY, HOME, NON-DIALOGUE, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 25, 2021
I’ve been diagnosed with a urinary tract infection, so I am taking an antibiotic as well as pills to lessen the discomfort when urinating. I carefully read every word on the package.

This particular medication turns your urine bright orange which, the package sweetly says, will permanently stain clothes, washcloths, rugs, wood floors, and… contact lenses!

What A Bunny Misunderstanding
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, EL PASO, FUNNY, RESTAURANT, TEXAS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 23, 2021
This happened when I was in high school in the 1970s. We had just finished our production of “Harvey” and had gone to the local twenty-four-hour chain restaurant. We were all still in costume and, as I played the sanitarium assistant, I was wearing what appeared to be medical-type clothing. As I walked into the restaurant, a little behind my fellow cast members, a guy came up to me.

Guy: “Is everyone in the accident all right?”

I had no clue why he asked me that, so I just looked at him and said:

Me: “I don’t know.”

And I went to join everybody.

As I sat down, I noticed that there were cops and an ambulance a few blocks down the street. That’s when it hit me: he thought I was a real ambulance attendant!

I can only imagine what he thought, a first responder going into a restaurant when there were injured people to deal with. My other thought was, “I’m sixteen; do I look like an adult to you?”

My fellow cast members thought it was funny.

Not Allergic To A Sunny Disposition!
BEACH, CALIFORNIA, HEALTH & BODY, JERK, STRANGERS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 21, 2021
I have a blood disorder called EPP; basically, I’m allergic to the sun. I’m sitting in a tent on the beach to shelter myself. Two girls who look about fourteen or fifteen see me — age ten — with my gloves, sunscreen, and huge sun hat.

Girl #1 : “Hi. Why are you in a tent?”

Girl #2 : “Yeah, can’t you just go inside?”

Me: “My family is here; I don’t wanna just leave. The sun and I aren’t friends.”

Girl #1 : “Well, why are you wearing gloves in a tent? Go outside!”

Me: “I’m allergic.”

Girl #2 : “To going outside? That’s dumb.”

Me: “No! I’m allergic to the sun.”

Both girls are starting to get annoyed, even though I’m not lying and they are the ones who decided to talk to me.

Girl #1 : “That’s not a real allergy.”

Girl #2 : “Yeah, stop lying!”

Me: “It is real, and I’m just glad you don’t have it.”

I went back to playing with my little cards and they walked away.

After that, my mom kept telling me that story because she thought it was really nice how I didn’t actually react in an aggressive way. Even though they were being rude I didn’t wish my allergy on them. I know some people are dealing with some crazy allergies; you aren’t alone!

A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 10
EMPLOYEES, ICELAND, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, RECEPTION | HEALTHY | APRIL 21, 2021
When I was almost nineteen years old, I moved to Iceland to try to work there. I had gotten the job prior to moving, so that and living quarters were not an issue. The job was as an uneducated gardener, so some of it was physical-labour intensive — digging and moving heavy stuff. It was nothing too bad, but as this was very new to me, I did find some new muscles.

One day, about three weeks after I had started, I noticed that my wrist was hurting very badly, every time I tried to use any equipment, light or heavy. Since I had some small problems with my wrist years before, I wanted to get it checked by a doctor to see if it just needed rest or something more.

As I was in a new country, I didn’t understand the local language too well, so I wasn’t sure where to find a healthcare center. Luckily, there was one close to my working area, so I went there to ask them how to get help.

I waited patiently in the queue, and when it was my turn, I asked politely if we could have the conversation in English. The receptionist started to huff, but she did reply in English.

Me: “My wrist is hurting, and I would like to know if someone could take a look at it. Since I haven’t been to a doctor in Iceland before, could you please tell me how I book a time with one?”

Receptionist: *Huffs in anger* “You cannot just walk in here and expect a doctor to just see you! You need to book a time!”

I was very confused, since that’s exactly what I asked for help with.

Me: “Well, yes, that’s what I’m planning on. I’m not expecting a doctor right now, but I just want to know how to book a time. I’ve never done that in Iceland before. Could you help me?”

Receptionist: *Still huffing in anger* “You need to call in order to book at time! This is not how you do it!” *Starts to look at some papers*

Me: *Lost for words* “But… I’m trying to do exactly that. How do I—”

Receptionist: *Cuts me off* “Here! Take this paper and fill it out. Give it back afterward.”

I was very confused, but the papers were in English, so I could fill them out. Afterward, I went back to the receptionist, since I thought maybe now I could get the info I needed.

Me: “Here is the paper. What now?”

Receptionist: *Still clearly annoyed* “Sit down over there. A doctor will take you as soon as possible.”

Me: *Very confused* “But… I did not mean…”

By now, the receptionist was just glaring at me, so I couldn’t do anything else but sit down and wait. Some fifteen or twenty minutes later, a door next to me opened and a doctor asked me to come in.

Doctor: *Visibly not satisfied, but not angry* “You know, you need to book a time before you can see a doctor here. You cannot just walk in and demand one.”

I was now even more confused and annoyed, but I was still trying to be polite.

Me: “But that’s exactly what I tried to do! I did ask the receptionist how to book a time, but they didn’t answer me. They just gave me some papers to fill out and asked me to sit down and wait! I never expected to see a doctor now or even today!”

The doctor finally seemed to realize what had happened.

Doctor: “Really? Well, there is a phone number you can call. And since you live outside of this area, you should go to another healthcare center closer to your address.”

The doctor checked my wrist, and thankfully, it was only about me not being used to this kind of work, so it only needed as much rest as I could give it for a few days. I was still allowed to work.

But I never got an answer to my original question: how do I book a time with a doctor at the healthcare center in my area? It took me at least a year before I found out on my own, and only because I had learned the language well enough.

You Need The Male Order Catalogue
RETAIL | RIGHT | AUGUST 16, 2011
(I work at a retail store as a tech person. We also work the sales floor. A lady walks in and and I go over to help her.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you look for anything?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a husband.”

Me: “What does he look like?”

Customer: “No, I’m looking for a husband!”

Driving Up Prices And Driving Down Business
BAD BEHAVIOR, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, ENGLAND, KIOSK, LONDON, TOURISTS/TRAVEL, UK | WORKING | OCTOBER 12, 2014
(I’m a native Londoner. Several years ago I had friends visiting from overseas, and took them sightseeing at the Tower of London. I went up to one of the many kiosks to get a drink. At this time, a can of soda was typically around 50p, but I was prepared to pay a bit more due to the location at a major tourist attraction.)

Vendor: “Yes?”

Me: “Coke, please.”

Vendor: “One pound fifty.”

Me: “What?!”

Vendor: *speaking loudly and slowly* “One. Pound. And. Fifty. Pence.”

Me: *with a very obvious London accent* “One fifty for a coke? You gotta be bloody joking.”

Vendor: “Oh, sorry, love. Sixty pence, please. Thought you were a tourist.”

Arabian Plights
AUSTRALIA, BIGOTRY, GROCERY STORE, NEW SOUTH WALES, PHYSICAL, SYDNEY, WILD & UNRULY | RIGHT | JANUARY 2, 2013
(I have a rather unusual name that leads people into thinking I’m from overseas. Not helping matters is that I have a slight accent because my mother is from New Zealand.)

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: “Fine, thanks.”

(She looks at me and reads my name tag.)

Customer: *slowly, while giving me the thumbs up* “I am very good, a-okay.”

Me: *confused* “Well, okay, then.”

Customer: “Where are you from?”

Me: “I live in [Nearby Neighbourhood].”

Customer: “Where. Were. You. Born?”

Me: “I was born in Australia, ma’am. I’ve lived here my whole life.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! That is not an Australian name; that’s a foreigner name!”

Me: “It is a bit unusual, isn’t it? My parents found it in a baby book. Customers have told me it means ‘brunette’ in Arabic.”

Customer: “Ah-hah! That’s where you’re from. That’s why you have that ridiculous voice! First, you blow up our soldiers, and now you’re working in our stores!”

(She suddenly snatches a bag of biscuits from the counter and throws it at me. I’m too surprised to do anything, but thankfully my manager sees the whole thing and comes over.)

Manager: *to me* “Go take a nice, long break, and let me finish up here.”

Customer: “Yeah, get lost, girlie! This nice Australian man is going to help me.”

Manager: *smiles* “Ma’am, I was born in Iran and immigrated to Australia when I was three.”

(The customer proceeded to scream in anger and threw something at my manager. She was thrown out of the store!)

Braving The Wild Arctic Terrain, One Token At A Time
ARCADE, GAMES, STUPID, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | JULY 27, 2009
(A customer asked me to help with the Skee-Ball machine.)

Me: “Is the machine broken or malfunctioning?”

Customer: “Do you know where the skis are?”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Customer: “Ski ball. Where are the skis for me to play with?”

Me: “Skis?”

Customer: “As in cross-country skis?”

Me: “This isn’t that kind of Skee-Ball. You pick up the ball and roll it up there.”

Customer: “Then why is there a slope with a ramp on it at the end?”

Me: “For you to roll the ball up?”

Customer: “IT’S A SKI SLOPE! Although it’s kind of… backward.” *examines the machine*

Direction Dissection
HOTEL | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 22, 2014
Guest: “I need directions.”

Me: “Okay. To where?”

Guest: “To [Address].”

(The address she was giving me was on the very same street our hotel is on, and I knew the place well.)

Me: “Oh, I know where that is. You just make a left from the hotel, and—”

Guest: *very seriously* “Don’t tell me what to do! I’m not your slave!”

Me: “Um… I never said you were.”

Guest: “Then don’t tell me what to DO, then!”

Me: “Um…okay.”

(Silently, I use directions from the Internet, print it up, and hand it over.)

Me: “Here you go.”

Guest: “Thanks!”

(I saw her a few minutes later, complaining to someone on her phone about ‘a piece of paper that’s telling her what to do.’)

I Think I Struck Me Some Gold, Pa
RESTAURANT, STUPID, TIME, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 16, 2009
(It is our restaurant’s policy to keep the front door unlocked after closing if there are still customers seated in the dining room. Unfortunately, this means people are free to wander in, even though we can’t serve them. One night, a teenage couple comes in after we are closed.)

Me: “I’m sorry, we’re closed.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I can’t perform any more transactions; I don’t have a cash register anymore.”

Customer: “So, what, everything’s free?”

The Price Is Always Right
AT THE CHECKOUT, AUCKLAND, INSTANT KARMA, MONEY, NEW ZEALAND, RETAIL, SALES | RIGHT | MARCH 10, 2011
(I put a customer’s purchase through. The computer automatically discounts the purchase from $35 to $29.)

Customer: “I’m sorry, you’ve made some mistake. The price isn’t correct on the screen.”

Me: “Yes, there’s actually a discount on some of your items.”

Customer: “No. I added the prices as I went around. I’m very good at maths, and you’ve processed the sale wrong.”

Me: “Sorry, I’m confused. You would rather pay the full price?”

Customer: “Give me your manager.”

(My manager has overheard most of this.)

Manager: “Can I help?”

Customer: “Your staff has processed my sale completely wrong. I demand that you correct this.”

Manager: “Of course.” *bumps the price up* “The price is $35, ma’am.”

Customer: *glowering in my direction* “Didn’t hurt, did it?”

The Strong Arm Of The Law
VIDEO GAME STORE | RIGHT | JUNE 25, 2012
(Our store buys used video games to resell. It’s not uncommon for people to try to sell stolen merchandise, so we have a “bad trader” list. Two teens walk in, and one of them is on our list. I recognize them immediately.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [store name]. How can I help you?”

Customer #1 : “Yeah, I want to trade some games in.”

(Customer #1 hands me a stack of games, but it’s just discs…no cases.)

Me: “Are you over 18 with a valid picture ID?”

Customer #1 : “No, but he is.”

Customer #2 : *hands me his ID*

(I quickly look through the games. I take Customer #2 ’s ID and verify he is on our bad trader list.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but we can’t take these.”

Customer #1 : “Man, why not?!”

Me: “We just don’t need these in stock right now.”

Customer #1 : *getting aggressive* “I trade in here all time! You gotta take my games. There ain’t nothin wrong with ’em!”

Me: *stalling* “We can’t take them. I can check the computer and tell you what they’re worth, but I can’t take them.”

Customer #1 : “Okay, yeah…check ’em.”

(While I’m checking the games, a really big, burly guy walks in.)

Burly Guy: *to me* “Ma’am, don’t give them any money for those games! I saw them steal those games from [retailer] across the street and take them out out of their packaging before coming in here.”

(At this point, Customer #1 starts edging towards the door. The burly guy reaches out and grabs him by his collar with one hand.)

Burly Guy: *whips out his police badge* “If you take one more step, I WILL taze you!”

(The two thieves were arrested right then and there!)

Speaking Stupidese
CLOTHING STORE, RETAIL, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | JANUARY 13, 2008
(A customer comes in and goes to a display rack of boots.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Where are the boxes with all the shoes in them?”

Me: “…”

Her Friend: “She means, do you have these boots in a size 8…”

The Sweet Taste Of Karma
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | MAY 18, 2014
(I am a hostess at a restaurant. There is a regular who comes in with a woman, and the two of them seem to be in their 70s, although the woman seems more like his sister or caregiver than his wife. The man walks with a cane, and is constantly hitting on every woman he sees in the restaurant, to the point where a few of the servers get a little creeped out. On this day, the man has been hitting on everyone like normal, and right before he walks out, he stops at a jar of candy we have at the host stand near a sign that says, ‘guess how many candies and win!’)

Old Woman: “Those aren’t for eating, they’re for guessing.”

Old Man: *to me* “What do I get if I win?”

Me: “You win the jar of candy.”

Old Man: “Can I win the person who put the candy IN the jar instead?” *winks*

Me: “… Well, if you really want to, sure.”

Old Man: *gives me a huge, creepy grin*

Me: “That would be our manager. [Male Manager’s Name].”

Old Man: *drops smile completely* “Oh. Never mind.” *leaves*

I Think I Struck Me Some Gold, Pa
RESTAURANT, STUPID, TIME, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 16, 2009
(It is our restaurant’s policy to keep the front door unlocked after closing if there are still customers seated in the dining room. Unfortunately, this means people are free to wander in, even though we can’t serve them. One night, a teenage couple comes in after we are closed.)

Me: “I’m sorry, we’re closed.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I can’t perform any more transactions; I don’t have a cash register anymore.”

Customer: “So, what, everything’s free?”

Please, Please Listen To Yourself Talk
EDITORS' CHOICE, LIBRARY, STUPID, TECHNOLOGY, USA | RIGHT | JULY 27, 2008
(At our library, the computers are all self-sign up. All you have to do is type in your name and library card number. This is clearly posted on the side of the monitor. In walks a young woman and her boyfriend.)

Young Woman: “Can you help me with this?”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Young Woman: “I don’t know what to do.”

Me: “The instructions are on the side of the monitor.”

Young Woman: “But why can’t you tell me how to do it?”

Me: “Because it’s SELF-SIGN UP.”

Young Woman: “But I need help!”

Me: “All you have to do is type in your name and library card number.”

Young Woman: “But do I have to read the screen?”

Me: *confused* “Of… course. The screen tells you when to type in your information. You have to read the screen.”

Young Woman: “BUT I DIDN’T COME INTO THE LIBRARY TO READ!”

Young Woman’s Boyfriend: *turns abruptly and walks out the door*

Relationship Superheroes
CHATS & DMS | ROMANTIC | SEPTEMBER 30, 2013
(I am chatting with an internet friend I have met through forums for a video game we both like. She is in her teens, while I am in my late twenties.)

Me: “Yeah, I’m really more of a casual gamer. I play things every once in a while, but I mostly stick to The Sims and iPad games. Not my husband, though; he’s hard-core. When a Steam sale starts, he just sits in his office, like click-click-click-click.”

Friend: “Man, I hope I can find a guy like him someday. The only guys I know who are into video games are my friends, and they’re never interested in me romantically.”

Me: “Really? Maybe they like you and you don’t know it.”

Friend: “No, they talk about girls to me all the time. They’re always crushing on the really girly-girls or cheerleaders or popular girls or skanks; I’m not even on their radars.”

Me: “Give it time, hon. Because eventually, they’ll date girls like that and realize they have nothing in common with them. Then by the time they realize what they missed out on, you’ve found a guy who can appreciate a girl’s geeky side, and they realize their mistakes. And if they don’t figure that out, then they’re not smart enough for you anyway.”

Friend: “You think so?”

Me: “I know so. I used to think I’d never find a guy who loved me for me, but then I met my hubby. Now we watch sci-fi and play video games and go the cons together, and it’s awesome. He’s my best friend.”

Friend: “That’s so romantic. You guys sound perfect.”

Me: “Well, nobody’s perfect. We have our issues, too.”

Friend: “Like?”

Me: “I’m Marvel, he’s DC.”

Friend: “Ouch.”

Me: “Yeah. But we work through it.”

I Deign That Spain Stays Mainly In The Brain
FUNNY, GEOGRAPHY, OFFICE, STUPID, USA, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | JANUARY 1, 2010
Me: “Hello, may I help you?”

Customer: “Hello. You don’t sound American. Where are you from?”

Me: “Oh, I’m Spanish.”

Customer: “Oh, from Mexico.”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m Spanish.”

Customer: “You’re from Puerto Rico?”

Me: “No, I’m Spanish. I’m from Spain.”

Customer: “Oh, do they still have that country?”

This story is part of our Spain-themed roundup!



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Inex-spews-able Behavior
DEBT COLLECTION | RIGHT | OCTOBER 18, 2012
(A woman comes in and appears clean and normal. She hands my coworker a plastic bag.)

Customer: “Could you be a dear and throw this away? I hate having trash in my car.”

Coworker: “Sure…”

(As my coworker takes the bag, which isn’t sealed, stuff leaks all over her desk. She leans down to examine it, and it is vomit.)

Customer: “That is disgusting! You spilled my vomit all over your desk. I should have your boss fire you for making me feel sick all over again!” *storms off*

A Bunch-O-Words It Be, Indeed
CALL CENTER, EDITORS' CHOICE, TECHNOLOGY, USA | RIGHT | JULY 20, 2008
Me: “Thanks for calling [Company] support. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I just bought sump’n down to the [Department Store].”

Me: “And how can I help you with that?”

Caller: “Yup!”

(There is a long pause.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hey!”

Me: “What is it I can help you with today?”

Caller: “Got me one a them orga, orgaz, origaniz, oregonize…”

Me: “Organizer?”

Caller: “Yup!”

Me: “And what can I do for you in regards to the organizer?”

Caller: “Well, it don’t do nuthin’!”

Me: “Sounds like you may need technical assistance on the device, and unfortunately you’ve reached the sales line. I would be happy to give you the accurate number.”

Caller: “It free?”

Me: “I’m sorry, no, the support line is not toll-free.”

Caller: “That’ll cost more ‘n my origun, orgizen, org…”

Me: “Organizer?”

Caller: “Yup!”

Me: “You may want to first consult the manual for information.”

Caller: “That ol’ book don’t say nuthin’ but a bunch-o-words!”

Doctor Sue
ENGLAND, GEEKS RULE, MANCHESTER, MOVIES & TV, PHONE, UK | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 26, 2010
(I am selling a replica phone box from the popular show ‘Doctor Who’ on an online auction site. In the show the phone box is actually a time machine/spaceship. I put my number on there so people can call me.)

Caller: “Hi, I was wondering about the replica phone box you are selling. Can it actually fly to other planets and go through time?”

Me: “Afraid not. It’s a replica… It’s fake.”

Caller: “Well, is it as big inside as in the show?”

Me: “No, that’s impossible to do. It’s a TV show so it’s not real.”

Caller: “What? You’re selling a replica? So, it can’t fly to other planets and through time?”

Me: “No one can make it like it is on the show. It’s impossible.”

Caller: “Excuses, excuses! You lying b****!. I’m going to report you and sue!” *click*

Melteasers
MOVIE THEATER | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 27, 2012
Me: “Hi, how can I help?”

Customer: “I want a bag of Malteasers.”

Me: “Sure, just a moment…”

(I reach under the counter and take a bag of Malteasers from the drawer.)

Me: “That’s $5.50.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want those!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Those ones you keep below the counter are all crushed up together! ”

(She bangs the bag up and down on the counter. If they weren’t before, they’re probably a bit crushed now.)

Me: “They felt fine when I took them out, but I can get you another.”

Customer: “I want those ones!”

(The customer points to the wall behind me. We hang some expired stock there just to show what we have available.)

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s just for display. It’s expired stock.”

Customer: “I don’t care. I want one of those.”

Me: “Uh, okay.”

(I reach for a nearby bag on the wall.)

Customer: “No, not that one! I want one of the ones up there. Right up the top!”

Me: “Those are under the lights. They’ve probably melted.”

Customer: “One of those!”

Me: “Okay…”

(I scramble onto the counter behind me and take down one of the expired, partially melted bags at the top of the wall.)

Me: “That’s $5.50.”

Customer: “THANK YOU!”

Moronnium Falcon
PENNSYLVANIA, PET STORE, PETS & ANIMALS, PHILADELPHIA, USA | RIGHT | MARCH 8, 2011
Customer: “I want to get a falcon. How would I do that?”

Me: “Well, falcons are wild animals and can be very dangerous. If you want to get into falconry, you have to do a lot of research. I’m pretty sure you’d need a license to own a bird like that.”

Customer: “Well, those are easy to get, right?”

Me: “Well, no.”

Customer: *points to parrot cage* “That’d be big enough for a falcon, right?”

Me: “No, you’d need something much bigger.”

Customer: “Oh, and I wouldn’t really need one of those gloves, right? I can just wear my sweater and the claws won’t go through.”

Me: “Certainly not! There’s a reason those gloves are made of thick leather! Without one, you’d be badly hurt!”

Customer: “Oh. Well, do you guys sell falcons here?”

Me: “No, we don’t. Why do you want a falcon, anyway?”

Customer: “I want to support my favorite football team! I figure having a pet falcon would be a great tribute!”

Pressing For Cash When Pressed For Cash
GAS STATION | WORKING | JULY 5, 2014
(My husband and I stop by a gas station to fill up after picking up my daughter from her grandma’s. I’ve had my card number stolen from this location before, so I decided that I was going to go ahead and pre-pay inside while my husband waited by the pump.)

Clerk: “What’s up?”

Me: “I just need $30 on pump three, please.”

Clerk: “Okay, hold on.” *hits buttons on screen* “Cash or card?”

Me: “Card, please.” *I pull out my card, ready to swipe*

Clerk: “Oh, s***. Yeah, I pushed cash. It’s already gone through. Hold on, let me get my manager.”

(He turns to the side and the manager is just on the register next to him.)

Clerk: “Yeah, um, I hit cash, but it was supposed to be card.”

Manager: “All right, I’ll fix it.” *pushes buttons on screen* “Hey! $4.05 has already been pumped!”

Me: “What? Oh! My husband must have already started pumping.”

Manager: “You have to pay cash now.”

Me: “I don’t have cash because I was planning on using my card. It wasn’t—”

Manager: “You pay cash now!”

Me: “I don’t HAVE cash! I need to use my card! Your clerk is the one who let it go through as cash!”

Manager: “What about your husband? Does he have cash? You need to pay in cash, now!”

Me: “No, my husband doesn’t have any cash. That’s why I was going to use my card! You really can’t do anything about this?”

Manager: “Fine, you do cash back!”

Me: “Well, do you have an ATM?”

Manager: “No, you can do cash back at the register.”

(He sets up the register to do a cash back charge of $4.05, but he adds a $0.25 charge to the total. I assume it’s a fee for doing cash-back only. He tells me to swipe my card for the cash back and I do so.)

Manager: “Okay. Now, how much do you want?”

Me: “Well, I guess $25. Pump three.”

Manager: “Okay, go ahead and swipe card.”

(I swipe my card and it goes through just fine, then he hands me my receipt.)

Manager: “Next time have cash!”

(I take a look at my receipt and it shows the $0.25 charge as a ‘grocery item.’)

Me: “Wait, what’s with this 25-cent charge?”

Manager: “That’s the stupid fee, for messing up our register. Now move; I need to get the next customer.”

Me: “Excuse me? I don’t think so! This all started because your employee hit the wrong button! 25 cents may not be much, but I can’t afford to waste even a penny. Give me my 25 cents back!”

Manager: “Fine.” *tosses a quarter at me* “Now get out!”

(I took my change and receipt and left. I hate that gas station. Too bad it’s the only one in the area.)

Not Volunteering Yourself For Abuse
CHARITY SHOP | WORKING | NOVEMBER 27, 2013
(Having decided to volunteer at a local shop that sells clothes for charity, I meet with the manager to find out what I’ll be doing while I’m there. She is very cheerful and upbeat and we get on well. We go through all the normal stuff about fire drills, what sort of clothes are good enough to be sold, prices, etc. Then I agree to start the next day. As my shift starts at 12:30, I decide to go to get a sandwich. I bring it into the store room where the clothes are sorted before going on sale or being thrown out. It smells pretty musty in there. But, as there isn’t anywhere else to sit, I start to eat my sandwich after opening one of the big side windows wide open. The manager comes into the room.)

Manager: “New girl! Hey, you, new girl! Come here! Now! I know you’re in here!”

Me: “I’m here.”

(I walk over to her with my sandwich in my hand.)

Manager: “I just wanted to tell you about a change to the—”

(The manager breaks off when she sees the sandwich in my hand.)

Manager: “You can’t eat in here. I told you that you have to eat outside the back door. Have you forgotten that? I only told you yesterday. Are you stupid or something?”

Me: “You didn’t mention anything about food yesterday so I thought I’d eat here.”

Manager: “You can’t eat here as you’ll make the clothes smell horrible. What are you eating, fish? It smells dreadful in here now! How dare you ruin all the clothes for the shop? You’re so selfish.”

Me: “I’m eating a plain cheese sandwich by an open window. And it smells pretty bad in here already.”

Manager: “Oh, I don’t come in here myself. That’s for you people who do all the menial tasks. Besides, it’s always smelled musty, ever since I started working here.”

Me: “Well it can’t be me who made it to smell so bad if you say it’s always smelled this way. I’ve not even started my very first shift yet!”

Manager: “Well, I’ll let this go as you’re new but if it happens again I’ll have to fire you. And that won’t look good on your CV, will it? Stupid girl!”

Me: “You know what? I’m going. I don’t have to be called names and insulted.”

Manager: “You won’t get this month’s pay cheque if you walk out. It’s in your contract!”

Me: “I’m a volunteer. I didn’t sign one and I don’t get paid.”

(I collect my bag from the corner and walk out through the shop. The manager shouts after me.)

Manager: “Stupid b****! I’ll make sure you never work again!”

(About a month after this happened I got a call from the same shop. A new manager had taken over and wanted to see if I could come back to help again. She had even set aside a space for people to have lunch in away from the clothes. She also told me the previous manager was fired right after I left for being abusive and rude to the customers and staff alike.)

And Yet He Lives With A Nut
COFFEE SHOP, HEALTH & BODY, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, USA | RIGHT | JUNE 26, 2008
(A customer with her toddler comes into the store while I’m working on another customer’s order.)

Customer: “I want to know if your peanut butter cookies have nuts in them.”

Me: “Yes, yes they do.”

Customer: “Oh, well my son is allergic to nuts. Do you have any that don’t have nuts?”

Me: “You could try the oatmeal raisin.”

Customer: “No, he doesn’t like raisins.” *picks up a different cookie*

Me: “Um, those are white chocolate macadamia nut, which also has nuts in them.”

Customer: “Well do you have anything that is nut-free here?!”

Me: “We have cakes with fruit in them, muffins, bagels, croissants, and scones. Would he like those?”

Customer: “You people don’t care about my child!” *storms out of the store, child in tow*

Me: *To coworker* “How is he still alive?”

Coworker: *shrugs*

May I Recommend A Good Crime Drama While I Have You?
BIZARRE, BOOKSTORE, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 16, 2008
(90% of the calls the bookstore receives are to ask our hours, check stock, or to ask when a book will be released. With that in mind, the phone rings one afternoon.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bookstore], how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need to know a release date.”

Me: “Sure, what is the title?”

Customer: *gives a strange number, not the type bookstores use*

Me: “What? Is that a title?”

(The customer gives the number again, and I am not finding anything like it in the computer database.)

Me: “I don’t know what you mean.”

Customer: “A release date! I need to know when my son will be released.”

(It’s then that I realize she means Booking, not Books.)

Me: “Uh, we’re a book store.”

Customer: “What number is this?”

Me: *gives the store phone number*

Customer: “I didn’t call that number.” *hangs up*

A Major Minor Mishap
FAST FOOD, KIOSK | RIGHT | JUNE 16, 2014
(I am 15 years old, and I work in my cousin’s burger van or cafe during the school breaks. Often I will be in the kiosk late at night when all the clubs close while my cousin is still working. One night a group of guys in their 30s comes up, slightly drunk, and ordered a bunch of food.)

Customer #1 : “You having fun tonight?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. Sure.”

Customer #2 : “Oh, god, leave her alone, dude!”

Me: *laughs nervously*

Customer #1 : “Oh, come on… Hey, you see that sausage on the hotplate?”

Me: “Uh, yeah?”

Customer #1 : “I could give you double the sausage on that hotplate if you come back with me.”

Me: “Oh, is that so?”

Customer #1 : “Oh yeah, totally.”

(I laugh and let him carry on, his friends just laughing at him.)

Me: “So, I’m curious. Do you always talk to minors like that?”

Customer #1 : “What?!”

Me: “Well, I’m 15.”

(Customer #1 runs off in a hurry without his order, red faced.)

Customer #2 : “Well, he won’t live that down any time soon!”

A Vicious Circle
TELEMARKETING | WORKING | APRIL 18, 2014
(From looking at the call display, I’ve noticed that we’ve had a lot of calls from the same 800 number, but no messages left. This is usually a dead give away as a telemarketer. When I see that number calling one evening, I decide to pick up instead of my usual practice of ignoring it.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Yes, is [Wife] home?””

Me: “No, I’m afraid she isn’t. Can I take a message?”

Caller: “I’m calling from [Bank]. Is there a good time to try calling again?”

Me: “No, not really. We’re in and out at various times. Is there a message I can give her?”

Caller: “No. I’m calling from [Bank] and it’s an important, private matter that I can’t discuss with anyone but [Wife].”

Me: “Well, if it’s important, surely you’d want her to call back about it. So, can I have your name and number, so she can return the call?”

Caller: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. It’s an important, private matter that I can only discuss with [Wife].”

Me: “I understand that, but if you’re not willing to leave any type of message, now or any other time you’ve called, I have to assume this is just a marketing call to offer her a credit card or to change her services, in which case, you can stop calling.”

Caller: “No. I need to speak to [Wife]. Is there a good time to get ahold of her?”

Me: “No, but I can take a message and she can return the call.”

Caller: “I can’t do that. It’s a private matter.”

Me: “If you won’t give me any information, then I can’t help you.”

Caller: “We’re just going in circles!”

Me: “I know! Annoying having your time wasted like that, isn’t it? Have a good evening.” *click*

The Bill That Keeps On Billing
OPTOMETRIST/OPTICIAN | WORKING | NOVEMBER 4, 2014
(I had my eyes checked while still living in Connecticut, and while I still had insurance. I recently moved to California, and while I set up mail forwarding I wasn’t necessarily getting all my mail from Connecticut. This happens after I call my eye doctor in Connecticut to get a copy of my eye glass and contact prescription information.)

Me: “Hi. I’m calling because I’d like to get a copy of my eye glass and contact lens prescription. They are less than a year old and I’m going to a new doctor this week and I want to provide records”

Receptionist: “Of course. Let me look up that information… I see here you have a balance due. Will you be paying that now?”

Me: “Um, excuse me? What do I have a balance due for?”

Receptionist: “For your eye exam from last December. If you don’t pay it I can’t give you the information you’ve requested.”

Me: “Okay, well, I’m not going to pay right this second, considering it’s now 8 months later and this is the first I’m hearing about this.”

Receptionist: “This is NOT the first time you are hearing about this. We’ve been sending you a bill every month since January and you haven’t paid us. We’re going to have to send you to collections for not paying this bill and refusing to pay it now.”

Me: “Okay, hold up a second. I never got the bill. I moved shortly after the exam and I set up mail forwarding, but I know that sometimes medical forms cannot be forwarded. Maybe that’s what happened. So, yes, this is the first time I’m hearing about it.”

Receptionist: “Well, you’re still refusing to pay so I’m going to send you to collections.”

Me: “I’m not refusing to pay, but I am not just going to pay a bill over the phone without having a bill and the information in front of me. Also, I’d like to call my old insurance company to figure out what happened, because I was supposed to be insured through January. Besides, if I never paid the bill and you had to keep sending notices without any indication that I got them why wasn’t I ever called?”

Receptionist: “That’s not our policy to call. Besides when people get bills, they just pay them. I don’t know why you didn’t.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m trying to tell you I moved. I never got the bill you sent me. I’m not sure why it wasn’t forwarded, but I never got a bill. Again, I ask how come no one ever called me, and if you knew shortly after said eye exam that my insurance wasn’t going to cover it, after I paid my co-pay and signed the form and your office told me I was all set, how was I supposed to know that I had a balance owed?”

Receptionist: “You just need to pay your bills when you get them. Why is that so hard to understand? It’s not our fault your insurance didn’t go through! Pay your bill now that you know you owe it!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to pay the bill until I see a bill, and YOUR office told me I was all set when I was checking out. You told me my insurance co-pay was all I needed to pay, so that’s what I paid. I’m sorry for the error, but I didn’t know there was a remaining balance.”

Receptionist: “We sent you bills every month and you haven’t paid yet. You’re refusing to pay now!”

Me: “Again, ma’am, I didn’t get the bills in the mail, and no one ever called me. If you had called me and said there was a problem I could have 1) given you my new address so you could send a bill, 2) called my insurance company while they were still my insurance company in January, and 3) got this all taken care before you had to send me multiple bills. At this point me not paying the bill is on you because I was not notified.”

Receptionist: “It’s not our policy to call people to pay their bills. It’s our policy that we send out bills and people just pay them. That’s what you should have done. People pay their bills, ma’am.”

Me: “Okay, lady, I’m going to pay the bill. I just want to see it first and I want to call my old insurance company to see if they can figure out what happened. Please send me a bill to my new address and I will attempt to figure it out”

Receptionist: “So you want the bill sent to 411 East #### City, CT #### ?”

Me: “Um, no. First off, if that’s the address you’ve been sending the bill too, it was never going to get to me. That’s not even my old address. My address was 311… So, that’s probably why I didn’t get the bill. And second, I just said I was going to give you the address I want it sent to.”

Receptionist: “Well, it’s not MY fault you gave us the wrong address! And I can’t send it to a different address; I have to send it to the one you provided!”

Me: “I’m going to stop you right there. I’m pretty sure I filled out a bunch of forms at your office with my correct address on them. I’m also pretty sure I gave you my insurance card, also with my address on it, so someone in your office must have made a typo. So, thank you for sending my medical bills to someone else for the last 8 months. I’m pretty sure I could filed a complaint about that. And another thing, if you HAD JUST CALLED ME when I didn’t pay the bill in January we could have sorted this whole thing out eight months ago. So, no, ma’am, I never received a bill, and no, ma’am, I was not aware of it ever, because your office sent it to the wrong address.”

Receptionist: “WE DON’T CALL PEOPLE! YOU ARE JUST EXPECTED TO PAY YOUR BILL WHEN WE SEND IT TO YOU!!!”

Me: “That’s enough. I want to speak to your supervisor!”

Receptionist: “She’s going to tell you the same thing!” *to her supervisor* “There is a woman on the phone who refuses to pay her bill. I’ve been telling her that we’ve been billing her for eight months and she needs to go to collections!”

Supervisor: “Ma’am, I’m afraid you’re going to have to pay your bill today. We’ve been billing you for eight months and you haven’t paid at all.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but that’s not what’s happening. I just found out today for some reason my insurance company didn’t pay for the exam from last December. Your receptionist, just told me YOUR office had my address wrong in the system, so that’s why the mail didn’t get forwarded to me in California. She also told me it was not the policy of this office to call people when there is a problem with billing. So, you’re right I refuse to pay this bill today, but not because I’m not going to pay my bill. I just want a copy of the bill sent to me in California, which your receptionist also told me she couldn’t do because it wasn’t the address I provided back in December, which your office put in the system wrong to begin with. I also would like a copy of my glasses and contact prescription sent along with that bill. I need to give it to my new eye doctor.”

Supervisor: “Ma’am, I can’t give you any information until you pay your bill, and I’ll have to send it to collections if you don’t pay with in 30 days.”

Me: “Then please send me the bill to my new address and I will get this taken care of. But unless I see a bill, how do I even know what I’m paying for?”

Supervisor: “I guess we can do that, but you really should have paid the bill when you first got it.”

Me: *bangs head on desk* “I give up. My new address is [Address in California]. Please send out the bill today and I will get this taken care of.”

Supervisor: “Okay, but you really need to pay your bill. You haven’t paid it in eight months and we’ve been sending you a new bill every month.”