Levelling Up Requires Blood

California, Engaged, Fresno, Health & Body, home, Ignoring & Inattentive, USA | Romantic | January 26, 2019


(My sister has MS and can be a little clumsy. One day she is sharpening kitchen knives and misses the sharpener. She ends up slicing her hand severely. She wraps it in a towel and walks to a back room where her fiancé is playing a multiplayer, fantasy-based computer game.)

Sister: “Hey. I cut my hand and you need to drive me to the emergency room.”

Fiancé: “Okay.” *yet continues to play the game*

(She figures that he needs to establish a stopping place, so she leaves to wait by the door. After ten minutes, he still hasn’t come. She gets up and goes back to the room.)

Sister: “[Fiancé]!” *places her hand in the bloodied towel next to the keyboard* “I need to go to the emergency room now.” *points to the towel*

Fiancé: *seeing the blood* “Oh, my God!”

(He rushed her over to the emergency room and her hand is fine. He now has to live this one down with the family because we all ask, “What did you hear the first time?!”)

I Am Violently In Love With You

Australia, Health & Body, home, Perth, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | January 25, 2019


(I am a young woman with multiple health problems, which have left me in a wheelchair currently. On top of that, my left eye is light-sensitive, red, and watery. I’ve had it checked out by the doctor, but they think it was just a bit of dust, and it’s fixing itself. However, I get to look like I’m crying from the left all the time until it goes away.)

Husband: “Aw, is someone a widdle sad?” *makes mock-crying noises*

Me: “Yes, that is what you’ll sound like… after I shank you in the kidney!”

Husband: “Oooh, ouch. It’s a good thing I love your adorable violent streak.”

Me: “I wonder how much you’ll love it after peeing blood for a few weeks.”

Husband: “Probably less so, then.”

Karma Can Be Jarring

Bigotry, California, Extra Stupid, home, Los Angeles, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 24, 2019


(I’m over a friend’s house, hanging out with her, her husband, and their mutual friends who are also a husband and wife. The other husband is sort of a “macho” guy, someone who was a complete jock back in high school. My friend recently had to fix their backyard’s door. I’m not sure what they did, but it made it somewhat difficult to open, so you have to push on it harder than usual to get it to move. I visit often so I know how to open it already, but this is apparently the first time the other couple knew of the door change. I need to use the restroom, and the other husband notices me shouldering the door open.)

Husband: *laughing* “Did you seriously have to throw yourself against the door to get in?”

Me: “It’s hard to open!”

Friend’s Husband: “We recently fixed it so it’s, uh, sturdier now, to say the least.”

Husband: *condescending baby voice* “D’aw, so it’s too hard for the ‘wittle’ girl to get through now?”

Wife: “Don’t be an a**, [Husband].”

(I roll my eyes but ignore it for the most part. Though he’s not the type of guy I would’ve ever hung out with independently, I know they’re still friends of my friends, so I tolerate it. It’s not like he’s a real pain or anything, and I get along with the wife well enough. When I come back out, he makes another teasing remark, but we get over. Not much later, he gets up to use the restroom, as well. He’s not paying attention, still talking to the group as he walks up, turns the handle of the door, and completely smacks against the door mid-sentence.)

Husband: “What the f***?!”

(Naturally, the rest of us burst out laughing. There are even face smudges on the polished wood that he tries to rub away without success. His wife is practically in tears and is still getting bouts of giggles even after he returns. When he sits down, he makes eye contact with me, and he must see the mischievous twinkle in my eye because he holds out his hand to stop me.)

Husband: “No! Don’t. Not another word.”

Me: *grins* “I didn’t even say anything!”

(The wife’s fit of giggles starts up again. The night goes on, and eventually, it is time for the other couple to leave. As we are saying our goodbyes, the husband gives a “one moment” signal to his wife. He faces the door, puts his hand on the handle, turns it, and then practically RAMS into the door! While it’s difficult to open, it’s not THAT hard. He, of course, ends up barreling through as the door swings wide open, tripping and face-planting onto the inside carpeting.)

Friend: “Dude!”

Friend’s Husband: “Oh, Jesus.”

Wife & I: *bursts out laughing again*

(The guy’s not a lightweight when he drinks, and since he only had two or three beers, there was no explanation as to why he did this. Thankfully, his wife was driving, anyway. I haven’t seen them since, but my friend tells me that it’s a running joke that his wife opens the door for him now.)

Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 13

home | OH, USA | Romantic | February 11, 2015


(I’ve been in a crabby mood all day due to lack of sleep the night before, so my boyfriend’s usual perverted jokes throughout the day have been irritating me. This happens right before bed, after he’s kept me awake for three hours past when I wanted to go to sleep.)

Boyfriend: “You wanna have sex?”

Me: *groans tiredly* “Honey, I’m sorry. I’m so tired, and I’ve been in a bad mood all day, so we haven’t really been getting along. I wish you’d asked earlier while I was still awake, at least.”

Boyfriend: *sweetly, but disappointed* “It’s okay, sweetie.” *gives me a kiss* “Goodnight.”

(He rolls over to go to sleep. After about three full minutes of complete silence, he rips a huge fart.)

Me: *laughs for the first time all day*

Boyfriend: *cutely* “I love you!”

Me: *laughing so hard I can’t even respond*

(Somehow that fart, his cuteness that followed, and him making me laugh managed to undo my day’s frump, and I happily honored his request for sexy time. When I told him later that what had put me in the mood was his fart, he made a grossed-out face and told me how weird I am, but that he loves me anyway.)

Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 14

home | Czech Republic | Romantic | September 1, 2015


(I’m in my boyfriend’s bedroom when I accidentally let out a very smelly fart.)

Boyfriend: “Honey, you know I love you, but you should go home right now.”

Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 15

Car | Kitchener, ON, Canada | Romantic | June 30, 2016


(My boyfriend and I are sitting in the car after spending the day together for our nine-month anniversary. He’s never really been afraid to fart in front of me, because he knows that I don’t care if he does unless I can smell it.)

Me: “That was charming….”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “I can smell that.”

Boyfriend: “But why are farts gross? They’re really just butt sneezes! They should be blessed, like regular sneezes!”

Me: “Wait… What did you just say?”

Boyfriend: “They’re butt sneezes! Think about it! People should say bless you when you fart!”

Me: “That’s going on the Internet.”

Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 16

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Revolting, Silly, USA | Romantic | January 23, 2019


(A friend relayed this story to me. She and her boyfriend have gotten very close over the past three years. This is the conversation she had with him:)

Friend’s Boyfriend: *farts*

Friend: *laughs* “Why does it sound like a question?” *continues laughing*

Friend’s Boyfriend: *confused* “What? What do you mean?”

Friend: *still laughing* “It’s like your butt said, ‘Huh?’ like a question!”

Friend’s Boyfriend: “Well, if my fart is the question, your fart is the answer.”

Taking Stock Of A Romantic Christmas

Ireland, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Supermarket | Romantic | January 22, 2019


(My husband has always earned more than I have, and I do feel bad about that sometimes. For Christmas, I usually get him one or two presents that he wants, a stocking full of sweets and fiddly bits, and a few craft beers to try and make myself feel better about my lower budget. I even made the stocking a few years back. We go out shopping today, Christmas Eve, to get some drinks for a party with his family, and I notice him looking at my preferred ciders while I wrangle our toddler.)

Husband: *looking up sheepishly* “I was trying to quietly get some for your stocking.”

Me: “Joke’s on you; I don’t even have a stocking!”

Husband: *laughing* “D*** it!”

Husbandly Rights Are Very Wrong

Australia, Bad Behavior, New South Wales, Office, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | Romantic | January 21, 2019


(A coworker just told us that she’s discovered her husband has been having an affair with her best friend and has left her. We are full of pity for her, but she tells us not to worry as she hasn’t loved or even been attracted to him for a long time and that she hated the fact that he treated her like a slave. Six months later, we’ve returned to work after our Christmas break.)

Coworker #1 : “[Husband] left [Ex-Best Friend] and came home on Christmas Eve.”

Coworker #2 : “Really? You let him move back in?”

Coworker #1 : “Yes, he was upset with the disgusting way [Ex-Best Friend] was treating him. Would you believe she expected him to get his own coffee when he wanted one?”

Coworker #2 : “Are you serious?”

Coworker #1 : “Oh, that’s not the worst, either. He had the day off on Christmas Eve, and she went to work without making him lunch before she left. Then, when she got home, he told her he was hungry, and she told him he knew where the kitchen was. Then, she had the hide to ask him to make her a sandwich because she was tired. He packed and moved back home right away.”

([Coworker #2 ] and I exchange WTF looks.)

Coworker #2 : “You didn’t just take him back because of that, did you?”

Coworker #1 : “Of course. I’m only the wife; he’s got husbandly rights. But don’t worry; I do punish him by just laying there when he wants sex.”

Coworker #2 : “I thought you said you were not attracted to him and didn’t love him anymore.”

Coworker #1 : “I don’t love him and hate him touching me.”

Coworker #2 : “So, why would you take him back and have sex with him?”

Coworker #1 : “It’s his husbandly right to expect sex, and I have no right to refuse him.”

Phlegm Definitely Isn’t Cute

California, Health & Body, home, Revolting, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 20, 2019


(My partner and I have a little routine. I say, “How did you get so cute?” and he says “Radioactive cute-onium!” This time, though, he has a cold.)

Me: “How’d you get so cute?”

Partner: “Um, I think it’s because of all the non-cute substances I’m expelling from my body.”

Me: “Fair. Enough.”

The Price Of Flirting

Chicago, Flirting, Ignoring & Inattentive, Retail, Strangers, USA | Romantic | January 19, 2019


(I’m at a large home and garden store with my mom, buying a wedding gift for a friend. We head up to the cashier, an attractive guy around my own age. Please note that between my Asperger’s and personal issues, I have some difficulty picking up on certain social cues and whatnot.)

Sales Guy: *smiling widely* “Your total is [amount lower than I expected].”

Me: “Huh? That’s odd. I’m sorry, but are you certain that’s right? I thought it’d be closer to [actual price] with some tax.”

Mom: “Shhh!”

Me: “What? I don’t want him to get in trouble for an oversight.”

Sales Guy: *still smiling* “Nope, it’s fine; your total’s still [lower amount].”

Me: “If you’re sure…” *pays and leaves, totally baffled by the discrepancy*

(As we’re walking to our car, my mom turns to me.)

Mom: “I think that guy was flirting with you.”

Me: “Wait, seriously?!”

(I’ve never been back to that location, but whether he was just being nice or flirting, I wish I could say, “Thank you,” for the extra discount, sir, and sorry for the obliviousness!)

Lactose Intolerance Versus Lactose Ignorance

Coffee Shop | Orillia, ON, Canada | Right | January 28, 2016


(This happens to my coworker who is taking orders and doing cash on drive-thru window.)

Customer: *over speaker box* “You made my tea wrong! I want an extra large steeped tea with two milk and two sugar.”

Coworker: “I am very sorry about that. Come on up to the window and we will have that ready for you.”

(When the customer arrives she thrusts the tea at my coworker who accepts it.)

Customer: “You are not allowed to take garbage through the window. You should be ashamed of yourself!”

(It is our policy not to accept trash if people try to hand it to us but often if a customer hands an improperly prepared beverage back we check the mark on the lid to see what was wrong.)

Coworker: “Oh. I am sorry about that.” *hands her the new drink*

Customer: *reading notices on the window* “You should have a sign on the window saying that you cannot take people’s trash!”

Coworker: “Sorry, we can only post notices approved by head office.”

Customer: “You should have an allergy warning for lactose! Your products contain lactose! You need to warn people!”

Coworker: “Um… sorry?”

Customer: “IT IS NOT ME THAT YOU SHOULD BE APOLOGIZING TO!” *drives off*

Stunned Coworker: *to me* “Didn’t she have milk in her tea?”

Me: “Yeah. Apparently we now need to warn people that the milk or cream that they add to their drinks may contain lactose.”

(The next customer arrives at the window.)

Customer #2: “Did you just get yelled at?”

Coworker: “Yeah. She was mad that we didn’t have sign saying that some of our products may contain lactose.”

Customer #2: *stunned* “Are you serious?”

Coworker: *nods*

Customer: “What the f***? I’m lactose intolerant and I don’t need a bloody sign to tell me that!”

Me: “I am lactose intolerant, too.”

Customer: “And we know god d*** well that milk and cream have lactose! We just don’t order it! Who the h*** needs a sign to tell them that!”

Coworker: “Apparently she did because she ordered milk in her tea.”

Lactose Intolerance Versus Lactose Ignorance, Part 2

Dating, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Restaurant, UK | Right Romantic | January 19, 2019


Patron #1 : “Why do you have two ice cream options?”

Me: “One is made with cow’s milk, while the other is made with coconut milk.”

Patron #1 : “What’s the difference?”

Me: “One is vegan-friendly and safe for those with lactose sensitivity.”

Patron #1 : “I don’t understand. Which should I get?”

Me: “I assume after the chicken you just had that you are neither vegan nor lactose intolerant, so I would suggest the ice cream made with cow’s milk.”

Patron #1 : “No, I think I’m lactose intolerant.”

Me: “But your sauce was prepared with milk. Are you all right?”

Patron #1 : “I think so.” *to [Patron #2 ]* “Am I?”

(I stare at both of them while [Patron #2 ] face-palms.)

Patron #2 : “I think we’ll risk it.”

(I bring them their ice cream. Half an hour later I am asked to bring the bill, and [Patron #2 ] offers to pay with a card. I take him to the reader.)

Me: “Are you sure he’s all right? I don’t want him to get sick.”

Patron #2 : “I don’t think he knows what it means, so I think it’s safe to assume he’ll be fine.”

Me: *worried* “Oh, I thought you knew each other. I shouldn’t have suggested the cow’s milk.”

Patron #2 : “No, seriously. Even if he is lactose intolerant, I doubt there’s enough going on in there to make the connection. I think I’ve actually gotten dumber just spending the night with him.”

Me: “Oh, I see. Well, please let us know if there are any problems.”

Patron #2 : “Sure, although I doubt I’ll see him after tonight. I don’t know if I’ll ever use Grindr again!”

Tooth And Brain Decay

California, Extra Stupid, Great Stuff, home, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 18, 2019


(My husband has just had some dental work done. He wants to brush his teeth, but we use electric toothbrushes, and he thinks those will be too harsh on his tender gums.)

Husband: “Babe, do we have any non-electric toothbrushes?”

Me: “Yes, I think so, behind the bathroom door in the cubbyholes.”

Husband: “Oh, darn. None there.”

Me: “Well… you could use your electric one and not turn it on?”

Husband: “Oh, jeeze. I should have thought of that! I think the dentist injected Novocain into my brain.”

Hot Enough To Burn

Bosses & Owners, Comeuppance, Harassment, Non-Dialogue, Noord Brabant, School, The Netherlands | Romantic | January 17, 2019


This happened in 2003. I am male and had one male boss who was in his sixties and about 1,50 meters — five feet — tall. We were the IT-guys at a school.

One day we got a trainee, a lovely and beautiful girl about 18 years old who would be helping us for the next ten months. My boss was notorious for his sexist and creepy “compliments” he gave to women. He already had received several warnings but sadly, there was no way to fire him because his behaviour was just annoying but not considered sexual harassment at that time.

My boss began hitting on the trainee with all sorts of cheesy remarks. The first time I heard it, I immediately told him to shut up or I’d tell his wife. Visibly embarrassed, he left the room and I thought that was the end of it.

A few days later I found the trainee in tears behind her desk. You’ve already guessed it: the boss wasn’t planning on stopping his creepy behaviour. I really felt sorry for the girl because as far as I could judge she could become one h*** of a sys-admin.

That evening I spoke about this to my wife. She had some creepy and sexist remarks from my boss when she sometimes came to school to pick me up, so she could imagine how the girl must feel. Suddenly she began to laugh, took some paper, and wrote some lines down.

She gave it to me and said, “Have your trainee learn these lines by heart. The next time he’s bothering her again, she must say them in a very loud voice.”

The next day I gave the paper to the trainee and told her what to do. She read the lines, began to laugh, and said she couldn’t say those things to the boss. I told her that if she wanted to stay here without the crap my boss was giving her, she had no other options. We could report my boss, and he would get another warning, but nothing would change. The trainee wanted to stay at our school so she began to memorize the lines.

It was Friday, and she said she would study the lines over the weekend. The next Monday we started work and my boss phoned that he wouldn’t come in until lunchtime. Fine. Lunchtime came and the trainee and I went for a coffee in the break room. Most of the teachers and the principal were there, too, so we had to wait in line.

The trainee poured herself a coffee, and as if on cue there was the boss, saying, “Oh, such a hot girl shouldn’t drink hot coffee. I can’t handle you if you’re too hot.” The trainee turned around and yelled at him:

“Now, you listen, you oversexed, over-aged, undersized albino smurf! I don’t want to hear your foul mouth ever again. I’ve had enough of you, creep. Leave me alone or I’ll drown you in the first toilet bowl I can find. It would take just one flush to get rid of the body.”

The room went silent for a moment, and next, there was hysterical laughter and clapping.

The boss made an exit and the principal went after him. When we came back from lunch, there was a note on my desk that the boss had decided to take some time off to evaluate his career.

The last we heard was that he had applied for early retirement without a goodbye party. I asked my wife where she got those lines from.

She said, “You know how sometimes you only come up with good lines long after the fact? I’ve had these lines prepared just in case I ever met your boss again. I never expected them to work so efficiently.”

So Excited They Could Puke

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Car, Health & Body, Proposal, Silly, USA | Romantic | January 16, 2019


(I am on my second day of severe food poisoning when my girlfriend and I decide we absolutely have to go to the urgent care to get me feeling better, knowing I have to get at least an IV. Two weeks ago, I purchased an engagement ring and had been planning on proposing the day I got sick. Being overly romantic is something I have never been accused of, and this time is no different. We are halfway down the highway to urgent care when I painfully shift towards her in the car and pull out the ring. She takes one look at it and nearly drives us into the wall in shock… and holds out her right hand.)

Me: “No… I actually do mean the other hand…”

(She starts crying and hands me her left hand, all the while trying not to crash, and I flop back down weakly into the seat.)

Me: “So… is that a yes?”

(Luckily, yes, it was a yes. When we tell the story of how we got engaged, we like to say it was only because I didn’t think I was going to live long enough to “have to actually get married”!)

Technically It’s Bee Vomit, But It’s Still Sweet

Chicago, Fast Food, Love/Romance, Parents/Guardians, Punny, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 15, 2019


(My parents rarely show romantic affection towards one another, particularly out in public. We’re all in the family SUV, and we’ve just gone through the drive-thru at a fast food place when I notice my order’s not right.)

Me: “Oh, geez, they forgot the honey for my chicken nuggets.”

Dad: *pats Mom’s leg* “I’ve got my honey right here.”

Mom: “Aw, you’re so sweet!”

Dad: “Just like you; you’re my sweet bee s***.”

Love Is True When It Can Mock Itself

Mall, Nebraska, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 14, 2019


(My husband and I are walking through the mall, on our way to buy a birthday present for a friend. My husband and I don’t really have a preference for fancy jewelry. For example, my engagement ring had an opal instead of a diamond, and our wedding bands are sterling silver with acorns and oak leaves. We are laughing as we walk hand in hand. As we pass a jewelry store, this happens.)

Sales Lady: *with a huge smile* “Helllooo!”

(My husband nods back as we are walking.)

Sales Lady: *waving us over* “Come on over! We have some great deals for the holidays!”

Husband: “Nah, she’s not worth it!”

Sales Lady: “What did you say?”

Husband: “It’s fine! SHE’S NOT WORTH IT!”

(The look of horror on the sales lady’s face is priceless as we merrily walk by.)

Me: “Next time tell them I’d just pawn it for drugs.”

Just Be Present

home, Maryland, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 13, 2019


(My partner has recently suffered a nervous breakdown and their therapist has ordered them to take a day off — absolutely no work, and nothing stressful. My partner is a huge fan of surprises and hates finding out about presents early.)

Me: “If I find out you’re doing work, I swear, I will send you photos of your birthday present.”

Partner: “You really got me there, love.”

If You Still Have Underwear By Sunday You’re Not Doing It Right

Health & Body, home, Massachusetts, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 13, 2019


(My husband has two hearing aids, and I often forget about them in the early morning before he puts them back in after showering, which makes for some interesting conversations. He is also terrible about sorting clothes when he puts laundry away, so things like socks and underwear always end up in the wrong place.)

Me: “Tomorrow’s Saturday, right? Do we have anything going on?”

Husband: *not hearing, and pulling something out of his drawer* “I have a pair of your underwear.”

(Glad those will be going on tomorrow!)

It Needs To Be A Nudge Nudge Wink Wink Before It’s Official

Extra Stupid, Flirting, Harassment, Hungary, School, Schoolmates, Strangers | Romantic | January 12, 2019


(I have glasses, and sometimes when they get dirty I close one of my eyes and look to see if it’s that side of the glasses or the other that’s dirty. I am walking to class and I see some blurriness, so I do the thing I mentioned. I close one of my eyes and look. Then I notice a boy looking funny at me. I brush it off because not everyone does what I do. It is later that day when I am waiting in the hall and browsing NotAlwaysRight. The same guy I saw sits down next to me and starts to lean in and play bad music on his speaker. I just keep sitting there, still reading.)

Guy: “Soooo… a couple of hours ago…”

Me: *looks up and waits for him to continue*

Guy: *raises eyebrow*

Me: *still waiting*

Guy: *starts to lean in, probably for a kiss*

Me: “Uh. You okay?”

Guy: “Yeah? Why? You scared?”

Me: “No, just confused.”

Guy: “What’s confusing? You were winking at me just a while ago!”

Me: “…” *remembers this is the same dude as before* “Sorry, I was just looking through my glasses.”

Guy: “Yeah, right.” *stands up and starts to leave*

Me: “Well… good luck to the next girl you want to randomly kiss in the hall.”

Guy: *looks at me surprised and hurries away*

(Peeps, if you think someone is winking at you, that doesn’t mean you can just kiss ’em.)

They Both Want A Piece Of The Action

home, New York, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 11, 2019


(I am a fairly large-chested woman. My husband and I are medieval re-enactors, discussing the type of costumes I’d like him to make for me. We’ve settled on a style of men’s clothing that includes a codpiece.)

Husband: “I promise I won’t go overboard on the codpiece.”

Me: “Thank you. I’d like to enter the room at the same time as it does.”

Husband: *indicating my chest* “Just so you know, that gives me a lot of leeways.”


Me: “Fine. I don’t want to see it past my boobs.”

Needs To Reorient Their Detective Skills

Chicago, Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Illinois, Police, Police Station, Spouses & Partners, USA | Friendly Legal Romantic | January 10, 2019


(My cousin is a very masculine, straight-acting police officer. The following exchange takes place in his precinct.)

Officer: “God, my wife is driving me nuts. Women, huh? Doesn’t your wife just make you crazy sometimes?”

Cousin: “I don’t have a wife.”

Officer: “Ah, sorry, I saw the ring. Divorced, huh?”

Cousin: “No.”

Officer: “Oh. Widowed?”

Cousin: “No, I’m definitely still married.”

Officer: *now very confused* “So, you do have a wife?”

Cousin: *starting to snicker at the routine* “No.”

Officer: *as several other cops within earshot also start to crack up* “I don’t understand.”

Sergeant: *yelling in exasperation* “He’s married to a man and therefore has a husband! Jesus Christ, [Officer], how do you expect to make detective with those deductive reasoning skills?”

Officer: “Ohhhhh.”

Oh, My Sweet Summer Boyfriend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Extra Stupid, Grocery Store, Oklahoma, USA | Romantic | January 10, 2019


(My boyfriend has taken a liking to a European candy that randomly showed up in our local grocery store, but once they run out of the first shipment they never seem to restock. We find the same candy at another branch of the store, but the packaging seems much smaller than the ones we got before.)


Boyfriend: “Huh, these only come in fours; the ones we got before were in eights.”

Me: “Maybe we accidentally had two stuck together last time and didn’t realize.”

Boyfriend: “That couldn’t be it. The alarms would have gone off, then, wouldn’t they?”

Me: *looking at him quizzically* “Huh?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, if you don’t scan the barcode, then the alarms by the doors will detect it and go off, right?”


Me: *fighting down laughter* “That… that’s not… those sensors detect the electronic tags they put on expensive items, not barcodes!”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: *still trying not to laugh* “How would it detect a barcode through your bags? Even the checkouts can’t do that!”

Boyfriend: “So… Wait, what keeps people from stealing the stuff without tags?!”

Me: “Cameras and common decency!”

(I swear my boyfriend is normally very smart, but I was reminded very strongly that day that he has never in his life worked retail.)

You Have Her Cornered

Boston, Extra Stupid, Geography, home, Massachusetts, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 9, 2019


(When my wife and I are still dating, we usually stop by her parents’ place when we finish working on Fridays. On this particular Friday, we are going to have a barbecue. However, before we get there, my future father-in-law, who is doing the cooking, desperately needs the bathroom. Given that his wife is busy working on dessert and his other daughter is fast asleep, he trusts his son to man the grill while he runs in to do his business. This is his son who, despite pushing 30, has never cooked anything without a microwave. By the time we walk in the door, the whole meal is charcoal.)

Wife: “How about we just get some sandwiches from [Irish Name]’s?”

(We all agree and write down our orders.)

Wife: “I’ll help them clean up. Why don’t you go get the sandwiches? Follow [Her Street] to [Major Street]. [Irish Name]’s is right on the corner there.”

(Off I walk. When I get to the intersection, I am directly in front of a barbershop. Across [Her Street] from the barbershop is a Western Union. Across [Major Street] from the barbershop is a gas station and body shop. Across [Major Street] from the Western Union is a condominium. There’s not one place called [Irish Name]’s. Without a clue, a pop into the barbershop to ask if any of them know of [Irish Name]’s. The two barbers have never heard of any such place. I know I didn’t mishear which street I’m supposed to stop at. Even if I did, following her street the other way to the next major street would take me to a church, a cemetery, and two private houses. So, I walk up this street until I get to the next intersection. There’s a mini-mart — no sandwiches — an apartment building, a florist, and a dentist. I walk back the other way. A bakery — no sandwiches — a Chinese restaurant, a cab depot, and a realtor. Out of ideas and having wasted a fair bit of time, I walk back to her parents’ house.)

Wife: “Where have you been? And where are the sandwiches?”

Me: “Where am I going?”

Wife: “[Irish Name]’s!”

Me: “Where is it?”

Wife: “ON THE CORNER!”

Me: “There is no [Irish Name]’s on any corner.”

Wife: “Of course there is! I got my lunch there just last week!”

Me: “Well, the barbers down the corner said they’ve never heard of it. How about you show me where?”

(The two of us walk back down to [Major Street]. She leads me across towards the gas station… and then continues walking past it.)

Me: *pointing behind us* “You said it was on this corner.”

Wife: “It is!”

(She walks into the building directly behind the gas station.)

Me: “This isn’t the corner. The gas station is on the corner.”

Wife: “Gas stations don’t count. This is the corner.”

(Unwilling to continue this discussion, I just roll my eyes. As I do, I glance at the name of the place we’ve walked into.)

Me: “This also isn’t [Irish Name]’s. This is [Italian Name with a completely different starting letter and more syllables]’s.”

Wife: “This place is always being sold and renamed. We don’t bother following. It was [Irish Name]’s when we first moved here, so we just call it [Irish Name]’s.”

Me: “And you expected me to know that?”

Wife: “It’s on the corner!”

Appallingly Unaware

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Games, home, Language & Words, Pennsylvania, USA | Romantic | January 8, 2019


(My boyfriend and I are playing a video game where you can get hit with electricity that either shocks or stuns you. We’re playing on two different monitors. He gets hit.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, no, I’m stunned.”

(About five minutes later, I hear:)

Boyfriend: “Now I’m shocked.”

Me: *not able to help myself* “What’s next? You’re going to be appalled?”

Love Needs Its Beauty Sleep

Harassment, home, Phone, Strangers, Tennessee, USA | Romantic | January 7, 2019


(It’s very late at night, and I am sound asleep when my phone rings.)

Me: *groggily* “H’lo?”

Voice: “[Not My Name]? [Not My Name], it’s Bob.”

Me: “Bob?”

Voice: “Yes. I need to know how you feel about me.”

Me: “What?”

Voice: “Look. I’ve been in love with you for years, and I need to know if you feel the same way.”

Me: “Who is this?”

Voice: *impatiently* “It’s Bob; you know me!”

Me: “It’s 2:30 in the morning. I don’t know who you are, and if you were in love with me, then you’d know better than to call me at this hour.”

Voice: “Look! I just—“

Me: “If you want to talk to me about this, find me and talk to me about it in broad daylight. I don’t love anybody right now. I’m tired. Goodbye.”

(I hung up and went back to sleep. I never got another phone call from the mysterious Bob, and no one ever confessed their hitherto unknown love for me. Seriously, though, there is no confession of love that can’t wait until at least sunrise.)

Just Axing For Trouble

Bizarre, Harassment, New Zealand, Non-Dialogue, Park, Strangers | Romantic | January 6, 2019


This happens when I am a single 24-year-old. I am walking home through my local park around nine pm — so wickedly late! — when a girl comes up to me. She’s young, maybe 16 or so, and she tells me she’s been sent over by her friend sitting at the picnic tables to ask me for my number. Apparently, her male friend is too shy to ask me himself.

While this might be considered cute to some, I have literally never seen this boy in my life before. I find it stupid and creepy. But then, I have an idea. While I have no interest in the boy, I am curious about his tactics. I let the girl take my number, and she gives me hers as well as his, so I have some back up that he’s “not a creep or anything.”

About an hour later the young man texts me. Nothing spectacular, but with traditional w1ck3d l33t txt sp33k, with no sense of grammar or spelling, asking me about maybe a date. I text back with proper spelling, capitalization, and grammar — as a hint — to suggest that I don’t know him at all, and point out that asking some stranger for their number in the middle of the night is not the smartest thing to do.

Two more rounds of text ensue; he seems puzzled by my lack of interest. Finally, I drop my kicker.

“You don’t know me at all. I’m just some stranger from the park. For all you know, I could be a psychotic ax-murderer.”

Strangely, he never texted me again after that.

I always wonder if he got the hint about harassing strange women, or if he went around freaked out that he might have just gotten himself put onto a hit list.

Assisted Living And Leaving

Assisted Living, Michigan, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 5, 2019


(I work in an assisted living facility. A resident has just come back from an appointment. He’s signing in and we’re talking.)

Resident: “My wife didn’t leave, did she?”

Me: “No, she’s still here!”

Resident: “D***!”

(He said it with such sincerity and upset that I cried laughing.)

An Affair To Dismember

Bad Behavior, Canada, Exes/Old Flames, Fights/Breakups, home | Romantic | January 4, 2019


(Things my soon-to-be-ex told me, in reference to his five-plus-year affair, and my sarcastic responses…)

Scumbag: “No, I wasn’t planning to divorce you so I could marry her. Of course not! I was doing it for you, in case you might want to marry again.”

Me: “Wow! With that level of selfless concern for others, the only reason you haven’t been canonized is that you’re not Catholic.”

Scumbag: “She was really more of a friend than anything else. We were just best friends at work.”

Me: “Oh, I see. So, I guess you also f*** Joe, your non-work best friend?”

Scumbag: “I preferred her because we never had conflict. She was more accepting.”

Me: “Imagine that. One boozy, lying cheater is more accepting of another boozy, lying cheater’s boozing, lying, cheating ways? Who’d’ve thunk it? You mean to tell me there’s no conflict in a relationship when you do everything a woman asks of you and constantly kiss her a**? You think maybe you should have tried that with me instead of being a selfish asshole for our entire marriage? Hmm?”

Scumbag: “I know I cheated but I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

Me: “Oh, you wanted to divorce me to be with her but still have me in your life. So, you figured we’d do what, have threeways?”

Scumbag: “I do still love you, in my way.”

Me: “Aw, so sweet. It’s just a shame your way totally sucks, isn’t it?”

I Used To Be A Weird Husband, But Then I Took An Arrow To The Knee

Bizarre, Games, home, Pennsylvania, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 3, 2019


(My husband is not a gamer, but he really likes watching me use my PlayStation because he enjoys my adventures. It should be noted that in “Dragon Age: Origins,” my character is married to Alistair, who looks and acts a bit like my husband. Currently, I’m playing “Skyrim.” My Dragonborn is married to Farkas, a sweet-natured but somewhat dim hunk of muscle who looks kind of like the Winter Soldier, and I’m walking around our house because I can’t find him.)

Me: “That’s weird; he’s usually right here at the fire, cooking. Or sometimes he’s asleep in the bed.”

Husband: “Maybe he ran off with your housecarl.”

Me: “I don’t think he’s smart enough to come up with that.”

(I finally try the last possible room, which is where my alchemy table is located, and I just have to stop and stare. A glitch has Farkas sitting down INSIDE the alchemy table, so that his head and shoulders are protruding from the top.)

Farkas: “Yes, love?”

Husband: *after a pause* “This is weirder than anything Alistair’s ever done, and I didn’t know that was possible.”

Me: “What I hear you saying is that I have weird taste in husbands.”

Husband: “Obviously.”

Peacocktease

Florida, Harassment, Mall, Strangers, Tampa, USA |
Romantic | January 30, 2019

(I am sitting by myself on a bench in the local mall, waiting for my husband who has run to the bathroom. I happen to have long hair with streaks of teal in it. I’m replying to some work emails on my phone, not looking around at anyone, when a guy comes up to me.)

Guy: “I just had to tell you…”

Me: *confused, startled look*

Guy: *in what is probably an overly passionate tone for an eight-dollar box-dye job* “Your hair looks like a cascade of peacock feathers trailing down your shoulders.”

Me: *really taken aback by his earnestness, but honestly appreciating the compliment* “Oh. Um. Thanks!”

Guy: “So, I was thinking—“

(At that point, my husband walks up to me.)

Husband: “Okay, honey. Where are we getting lunch?”

(The guy looks at my husband, who is only just noticing him and gives him a polite, inquisitive smile. Then, the guy gives me a positively acidic look.)

Guy: “Okay, TEASE!” *turns and storms off*

(It was confusing, but mostly funny. Sorry my teasing, come-hither cascade of peacock hair lead you on or whatever, my dude. Hope you chill out some and grow up.)

A Hurricane Of Bad Relationships

Florida, Great Stuff, home, In-Laws, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Weather | Related Romantic | January 30, 2019


(My sister-in-law went through a string of abusive relationships before meeting my brother, but my brother is very good to her. They are on vacation when we get word that a massive hurricane is headed for their home. I’m already planning to evacuate, but they call me and ask me to go to their home and get some of their most important possessions — legal docs, computers, etc. — and I agree. I’m on the phone with them while I’m packing up their stuff.)

Sister-In-Law: “By the way, there’s something important I need you to get, but you’ll have to search for it.”

Me: “Okay. What am I looking for?”

Sister-In-Law: “In our walk-in closet, in my sock drawer, there is a pair of purple socks. Can you go find them?”

Me: *wondering why she is having me grab socks, of all things* “Sure… Okay, I got ’em.”

Sister-In-Law: “Great. You should feel something inside. Can you open up the sock and get it out?”

(I do so. I find hundreds of dollars wrapped in a tight bundle.)

Me: “Jesus. Must be a thousand dollars here.”

Sister-In-Law: “Yeah, that’s my ‘running away’ money, in case things with [Brother] don’t work out.”

My Brother: *who has been married to her for seven years and has heard this entire conversation* “Oh, that’s a good idea. Too bad you’ll need a new hiding place when we get back.”

Sister-In-Law: *dejected sigh* “Yeah…”

(The rest of the packing was uneventful.)

A Hurricane Of Bad Relationships

Florida, Great Stuff, home, In-Laws, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Weather | Related Romantic | January 30, 2019


(My sister-in-law went through a string of abusive relationships before meeting my brother, but my brother is very good to her. They are on vacation when we get word that a massive hurricane is headed for their home. I’m already planning to evacuate, but they call me and ask me to go to their home and get some of their most important possessions — legal docs, computers, etc. — and I agree. I’m on the phone with them while I’m packing up their stuff.)

Sister-In-Law: “By the way, there’s something important I need you to get, but you’ll have to search for it.”

Me: “Okay. What am I looking for?”

Sister-In-Law: “In our walk-in closet, in my sock drawer, there is a pair of purple socks. Can you go find them?”

Me: *wondering why she is having me grab socks, of all things* “Sure… Okay, I got ’em.”

Sister-In-Law: “Great. You should feel something inside. Can you open up the sock and get it out?”

(I do so. I find hundreds of dollars wrapped in a tight bundle.)

Me: “Jesus. Must be a thousand dollars here.”

Sister-In-Law: “Yeah, that’s my ‘running away’ money, in case things with [Brother] don’t work out.”

My Brother: *who has been married to her for seven years and has heard this entire conversation* “Oh, that’s a good idea. Too bad you’ll need a new hiding place when we get back.”

Sister-In-Law: *dejected sigh* “Yeah…”

(The rest of the packing was uneventful.)

No Means No Means No Means No Means…

Bad Behavior, Georgia, Harassment, Hotel, USA | Romantic | January 29, 2019


(I’m the front desk clerk for one of many hotels around the Atlanta Football Stadium. This happened last year during football season.)

Guest’s Friend: “Um, my friend wanted me to ask for a pen and paper.”

(I find both his behavior and his mention of his friend asking him to do this a bit odd. He looks like he feels extremely awkward about having to talk to me, and what happens shortly after explains why. He walks off after awkwardly thanking me and goes around the corner out of sight. I can hear two to four guys whispering, one of them chuckling and sounding a bit excited. The guy comes back.)

Guest’s Friend: *even more awkwardly before* “Umm, uh… just… Here, he wanted me to give you this.”

(He attempts to hand me a folded piece of paper and I realize it must be a phone number. I’m slightly shocked, because I don’t think of myself as that attractive, and I don’t expect such events like this to happen. Not wanting to put his friend in any more awkwardness, and wanting to just let him be on his way, I accept the paper from him and simply say, “Thanks,” also feeling a bit awkward, and let him return to his friends. I can hear them all whispering again, and the one voice from before sounds even more excited now. Soon after, the group of them comes out from around the corner to head out, and the guy in the back turns around and walks backward among the group, looking at me. They all look to be in their late teens; I’m 30.)

Creepy Guy: “I’ll hear from you later, right?”

(He does a double finger-gun motion and winks at me.)

Me: “Um…”

Creepy Guy: “Night, my sweet thang.”

(Just before the automatic doors close I hear him tell his friends in a slightly raised, happy voice:)

Creepy Guy: “I hope she calls me tonight! Ah, man!”

(I think nothing of it at first until they return after a couple of hours.)

Creepy Guy: “I’ll be up for a few more hours, cutie. Don’t worry about waking me when you call.” *winks again before going to their room*

(I feel bad for the guy because I can tell he’s all excited by the simple fact that I blindly took his phone number without having any clue who the number was from other than the guy’s “friend.” Not wanting this guy to get overly excited for nothing, or stay up waiting for my call, I decide to wait a few minutes before texting the number given to me to give him the bad news.)

Me: “Hey. It’s the lady from the front desk. I’m sorry, but I’m dating someone. I didn’t mean to get you all excited before; I just didn’t want to embarrass you in front of your friends earlier. I’m really sorry. I was just trying to be polite during that situation.”

Creepy Guy: “Aww, really? That’s too bad. I’d love to get with you sometime. Can’t you ask?”

Me: “Ask? Umm, what do you mean?”

Creepy Guy: “Ask him if I can take you on a date!”

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not going to happen. We’ve been dating for four years and have been living together for two. We are pretty happy with each other and don’t have any interest in sharing each other with others.”

Creepy Guy: “Aww, come on now. I can keep a secret; I won’t tell if you won’t tell!”

Me: “Um, sorry. No, I have to pass on that. Besides, I’m probably out of your age group for dating.”

Creepy Guy: “We can make it work. I don’t even live in the area, but I come out here for all the games in town, so we can go on dates often and see where things can go after. If the distance is an issue, I live just inside Alabama, so it’s not that bad of a drive if you want me over. I promise you’ll like me.”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, but I’m happy with my boyfriend. I’m sorry if I’ve ruined your night, but I really was just trying to be nice in front of your friends.”

(I’m thinking to myself, “Not like I could just leave if they did return; I have to act nice and polite to all guests as part of my job,” and I’m mentally kicking myself in the head for getting into this new situation.)

Creepy Guy: “Well, I’m fine. I know you’ll turn yourself around and decide to date me. I’m a great guy!”

Me: “I’m sure you are, but so is my boyfriend, who I love very much. I’m happy where I am now.”

Creepy Guy: “Can I come down and talk to you for a while?”

(I am thinking, “Oh, God, no, please don’t.”)

Me: “Oh, well my coworker has taken over my shift. I’ve already left for home.”

(I’m still at work, with another hour before my coworker arrives, but I’m hoping he doesn’t figure out I’m bluffing.)

Creepy Guy: “Well, you’re more than welcome to come back and ask for a key to my room and come see me.”

Me: “No, thanks. I’ll be eating dinner with my boyfriend shortly. Have a good night, and I hope things work out for you. I’m sure you’ll find someone out there to date.”

(I continue with my shift. I jump almost every time I hear the elevator being called up or someone coming down the stairs. and I hide in the side office of the front desk, hoping that if it’s him, he doesn’t see me and realize I’m still there and try to change my mind again. Luckily, my coworker arrives, I explain to him how happy I am to see him. I tell him of the events that took place, and the text messages. He chuckles and tells me to go ahead and leave instead of doing our usual long, friendly chats before I head home. Unfortunately, this isn’t the end of the tale for this guy. A few days later, via text.)

Creepy Guy: “Hey! You never called! Did your boyfriend say yes?”

Me: “Who is this?”

(I had the old messages deleted.)

Creepy Guy: “Oh, come on. It’s me! The guy from the hotel.”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry, but I thought I explained it to you before; both my boyfriend and I aren’t interested in dating other people, only each other.”

Creepy Guy: “You know you want to… Are you working now? I could come over and take you to dinner when you get off! When does your shift end?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m not sure how many times, or how many different ways I can tell you this. But I will not be dating you, or seeing you.”

Creepy Guy: “I’m a nice guy! Give a nice guy a chance! Nobody ever gives us a chance.”

Me: “You aren’t very nice if you think it’s okay for me to see someone else while living with and dating my boyfriend. I’m sorry, but this is a firm no. Please stop messaging me; my choice won’t change.”

Creepy Guy: “I bet I could treat you better than he does.”

(I block him at this point cause I’m no longer feeling up to being polite toward him anymore. Sadly, yet again, this still isn’t the end of it. Several weeks later, I’m working at the front desk again. I’m just now finishing a check-in for a new guest, and the creepy guy walks in and stands next to the new guest, just short from actually touching shoulders with them. The guest gives him an odd look and takes one step to the side, so they aren’t so close. I hand the guest his keys, making sure to keep the room number hidden, and send him on his way.)

Creepy Guy: “Hey, you never called me back! I’ve been trying to text you. Did something happen to your phone? Was that your boyfriend? Could I ask him for us? I really want to take you out some time.”

(I’m now hating life, knowing I have to at least attempt to be nice to him while working, and other guests and sitting in the lobby chatting to each other.)

Me: “No, that was just a guest. Again, I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in dating you. I’m very happy with my current boyfriend of four years.”

Creepy Guy: “Aww, come on! I like you. I’m a good looking guy. I’m nice! I swear, just give me a chance.”

(As he’s saying this, another guest and her husband are walking past to go out for dinner. She overhears him and has no clue I have just told him I’m dating someone already and that this guy is basically begging me to cheat.)

Female Guest: “Aww, look at the poor guy. Give him a chance; he seems to be a nice guy.” *continues to walk out of the hotel*

Creepy Guy: “See? Now you have to go on a date with me!”

Me: “I don’t have to do anything. Please, I’m working. I’ve already told you no many times. Please just go.”

(Of course, he doesn’t leave. He spends the next hour trying to talk me into dating him. He hardly moves out of other people’s way when I go to check them in, and occasionally interrupts them to talk to me as if we are friends. Eventually, the other guests in the lobby decide to leave, but they never speak up to him to try and encourage him to leave me alone, despite sending glances our way. Creepy Guy notices this and takes advantage now that we are alone.)

Creepy Guy: *trying to act all sad to gain my sympathy* ” Aww… I really wanted to see you. I was in town for another game and, well… it’s my birthday. I was really hoping I could get a birthday kiss from you, you know, since it’s my birthday and all.”

Me: “Just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean you’re entitled to get a kiss from me or anyone else. I. Am. Taken. There won’t be anything going on between you and me.

Creepy Guy: “Can’t I get a hug, at least?”

Me: “No.”

Creepy Guy: “Why not? Friends hug! It can be a friendly hug.”

Me: “One: I’m taken. Two: we aren’t friends; I don’t know anything about you. Three: I’m working. I can’t do anything like that, anyway. I have to be doing my job.”

Creepy Guy: “I won’t tell if you won’t tell! Just give me a kiss; it’s for my birthday!”

Me: “It could be the end of the world tomorrow, and you still won’t be getting either from me.”

Creepy Guy: “I bet I could jump over this counter. I just really want a kiss from you. Can’t I just have one kiss?”

Me: “Please don’t do that. I have cameras there, there, there, there, and there.” *points to every single camera we can both see, in hopes this will make him leave me alone, or at least prevent him from trying to jump over my counter* “My boss watches us from time to time, and she’ll glance over them to make sure we aren’t doing anything we aren’t supposed to. You can’t jump over this counter. Just don’t.”

Creepy Guy: “We could go over into that room next to you there!”

Me: “I’ve said no several times already; that should be the end of the conversation. Plus, there is a camera watching over the door that leads to that room, and a camera inside of the room itself. Please don’t make attempts to get to me.”

Creepy Guy: “Just go turn off the light, and I’ll be super fast and run in and hope she doesn’t see me go in, and then we can kiss in there!”

Me: “The cameras have night vision. Not that it matters — I’ve already told you no many, many times. Please leave me alone!”

(Of course, he doesn’t; he keeps switching between begging me for either a kiss, or a hug, and I keep refusing. He continues to barely give new arrivals room to stand at the desk to get checked in. After a few times of this happening, another guest arrives, and this time he decides to sidle over to the side of my desk where you can see most of what’s behind the counter-top, and he can see more than just my upper half.)

Creepy Guy: “Mmm, I love being able to see your curves. I just want to reach over and grab your a**.”

(He says this quietly, intending for only me to hear, but the new guest manages to hear him, too. I give the guest a look, trying to show that I’m not comfortable with this guy being around and finish his check-in. He hurriedly leaves and doesn’t make any attempts to save me from this creep. I sigh over my problems. I’m feeling very exposed now that this guy is checking out my a**, and I fail to find any way to mentally cover myself up, other than to face him so he can’t continue staring. Now he goes in circles about trying to get me to kiss him, hug him, or let him grab my a**, all because it’s his “birthday.” Eventually, I get the idea to text my boyfriend, asking him to rescue me and telling him to call the hotel, which he doesn’t notice right away. I text my coworker and tell him to call the hotel, but he’s sleeping and doesn’t see it until he wakes up in time to get ready for his overnight shift after I leave. Finally, the boyfriend sees my text and tries to ask why and I just text, “DO NOW PLZ,” so the guy doesn’t notice.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel, Location]. How can I help you?”

Boyfriend: “What’s going on? Why did you need me to call? Everything okay?”

Me: “OH, HEY, HONEY! Did you feed the cats when you got home?”

(The creepy guy can clearly hear me, and seems to sulk slightly when he realizes I’m talking to my boyfriend.)

Boyfriend: “Huh? What cats? Something going on?”

Me: “YES! It’s been a little busy today, but it’s quiet now that most of the guests have checked in. How was your day?”

Boyfriend: “I’m going to assume something is up. Are you in trouble or in any danger?”

Me: “I don’t think so.”

Boyfriend: “All right, so, whoever they are is still there?”

Me: “Yep, it’s been a long time, too.”

Boyfriend: “Well, that doesn’t sound fun. Do you need me to come over there?”

Me: “That would be nice, though I’m not sure if it will help much.”

Boyfriend: “Well, I can stay on the line for a bit and see if they go away? Do you think your boss will get upset at you if I keep you on the phone?”

Me: “That’s fine, I think; I’m sure she wouldn’t mind after I explain everything to her.”

Boyfriend: “Ah, okay. Just let me know if they leave, or you can just say a code if you think you want me to head over there. Just ask me if we can go see a movie tonight, and I’ll know to head right over.”

Me: “Aww, that’s great! So, how’s mom doing?”

(From there, we just have a normal conversation for a bit until the creep decides to finally leave.)

Me: “Oh, my God, thank you! That weird guy I told you about decided to return to the hotel and come at me full force! He kept claiming it was his birthday, and he was trying to get me to kiss or hug him for the longest time. Then he started checking out my a** and saying he was going to jump over the counter to grab my a** and kiss me! At one point, he made a motion like he was actually going to pull himself over the counter until other people came through the lobby.”

Boyfriend: “You going to be okay? Want me to come over until your shift is over and I can pretend that I’m your ride?”

Me: *looks at the time and realizes I’ve been dealing with the guy for over two hours of constant harassment* “Oh, wow. My shift is nearly over. I think I’ll be okay; if he comes back I’ll have you give me another call and we can pretend that you have no clue what we need from the house for groceries or something.”

(Luckily, he never returned, but every time the Alabama team played at our stadium I got worried he would return.)

Another Word For Throwing Out Is Ex-iled

England, Exes/Old Flames, home, UK | Romantic | January 28, 2019


My ex-husband was picking the kids up for his fortnightly weekend with them when he told me that he and his fiancée had broken up — right before Christmas. The problem with this was that her mum was already due to stay with them Christmas Eve so he had to share a bed with his now-ex, while her mum had the sofa.

He said he didn’t know how well he was going to sleep and he wasn’t looking forward to it. Without thinking I ‘joked’ that he’d managed to share a bed with me, knowing he was going to try and throw me out and survived. His face was a picture and a little part of me smiled inside.

Gangbangers Have To Use The Overflow Parking

Language & Words, Marriage & Partners, Parking Lot, USA, Utah | Romantic | January 27, 2019


(My husband and I took our nine-month-old daughter to the doctor’s for her booster flu shot. We drive into a spot that’s labeled “patron parking,” and my husband observes something to the effect of:)

Husband: “Yep, we’re allowed to park here.”

(I turn and get out of the car, while telling him:)

Me: “The label is probably for game days; the lot is rather close to the [Local College Stadium].”

(He gives me a funny look, and comes around to get the baby out of the car.)

Husband: “What did you say the label was for?”

Me: “Game days!”

Husband: *a massive look of relief rests on his face* “Oh, good. I thought you said they were for GANGBANGS.”

(I was laughing so hard that I barely made it to the building in a straight line.)