What Kind Of Mutant Platypus Has He Been Seeing?!

Extra Stupid, Gift Shop, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 20, 2019


(I observe this couple in a gift shop.)

Wife: *picks up a realistic stuffed narwhal toy* “Aww, honey, look at this!”

Husband: “What is that?! Is that, like, one of them platypuses?”

Wife: “No, it’s a narwhal!”

Husband: “A what?”

Wife: “A narwhal. It’s a whale with a horn that lives in the Arctic.”

Husband: “And… it’s real?”

Wife: “Yes, it’s real! Have you seriously never heard of a narwhal?!”

Husband: “Never. That thing looks like a f****** unicorn-manatee or something!”

(I’m not sure what’s stranger — that this guy had never heard of a narwhal, or that he had apparently heard of a platypus but thinks it looks like a whale!)

What A βλάκας

Extra Stupid, home, Language & Words, Spouses & Partners, USA, Washington | Romantic | March 15, 2019


(In this story, I am sitting downstairs with my husband and our roommate. I am on our roommate’s laptop doing a search for them as they are terrible about finding things online. My husband is playing a game on his phone while I do this.)

Husband: “There are these two other players in the game who always talk to each other in this other language. I don’t know if it is Russian or Hebrew. You’re good at that sort of thing; take a look.”

(I am currently only fluent in English, but I am learning Swedish on a language app. I can usually tell which language something is in, although there are times where I can’t. I go over to look at the phone, he shows me, and I take a quick look and go back to what I was doing.)

Me: “That looks like it is either Greek or Russian. I didn’t get a good look at it.”

Husband: “Probably Russian, then; nobody speaks Greek nowadays since it is a dead language.”

Me: *looks back up and gives him a strange look* “I think you are confusing that with Latin.”

Husband: *shrugs* “I know Latin is, but I am pretty sure Greek is a dead language, too.”

Me: *looks back and forth between him and the laptop I am currently on* “No, there are still people in the world who speak Greek.”

Husband: “Not that many, though.”

(I just stared at him for a few seconds and then dropped the subject to continue what I was doing, but internally I was shaking my head. I looked it up the next day; Greek is spoken by about 13 million people.)

Don’t Lick It Or You’ll Have Bad Breath Of The Wild

Games, home, Missouri, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Springfield, USA | Romantic | March 11, 2019


(Conversations like this are the normal thing in my household.)

Me: “Hmm… So, I am thinking about being dumb.”

Husband: “Oh?”

Me: “Because Nintendo Switch cartridges are so tiny, Nintendo has them coated in a non-toxic substance that tastes horrible to prevent them from being swallowed by little kids.”

Husband: “Oh, no.”

Me: “And Breath of the Wild is the only cartridge I have, but I’m tempted to pop it out and lick it just to see if it is true.”

Husband: *monotone* “That would be dumb, honey.”

If The Cap Fits…

home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | March 10, 2019


(My husband and I have recently watched a B-list movie with an actor who repeatedly says, “I’m gonna pop a cap in your a**,” to the point that we have jokingly quoted it on random occasions. I walk in from work one day after a long, stressful day and corner him.)

Me: “I’m going to pop a kiss on your lips.”

Husband: “I definitely like that over the alternative.”

Can’t Finnish What She Started

Canada, Flirting, Medical Office, Ontario, Silly, Toronto | Right Romantic | March 7, 2019


(I work with an EMS group and we are taking people’s blood pressure for free. I am taking an older woman’s blood pressure. I am a young, white, blonde, blue-eyed guy.)

Woman: “Are you finished?”

Me: “No, I just started.”

Woman: “No, no. Are you Finnish? My granddaughter is Finnish—“ *points to her beautiful, blonde granddaughter* “—and she is single.”

Me: “Oh, no, sorry. I’m married.”

Customer Next To Me: “I’m Finnish!”

(I bet you $5 he wasn’t.)

That’s The Pay To Do It

Flirting, home, Illinois, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 7, 2019


(My husband and I are in the bedroom. He’s very tired but he’s playing with our eleven-month-old baby on our bed so I can fold and put away the laundry. As I pull a shirt out of the basket, I see a dollar bill which I gleefully wave around.)

Me: “I just got paid!”

Husband: *sleepily* “Good, now go buy yourself something nice.”

Me: *in a pretend pout* “You’re supposed to stick that into my bra when you say that!”

You’re The Apple Of My Die

British Columbia, Canada, Great Stuff, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | March 4, 2019


(We live in a small town surrounded by a whole lot of forest. One day my husband comes home from the store and I start to put the shopping away.)

Me: “You know your husband is trying to kill you when he buys you apple-scented shampoo in bear season

Try Not To Do That, Deer

Car, Montana, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 1, 2019


(My husband and I make arrangements to buy a used SUV to replace our current one. We’re driving home in the current vehicle, with an appointment to switch vehicles the next weekend.)

Husband: “So, we’re done with the paperwork for the [new SUV]. What happens if we wreck this SUV in the meantime?”

Me: “Well, we’re still insured for this one. We’d have to report to [Insurance Company] and do the deductible and so forth. Big pain, but I’m sure it happens.”

Husband: “We’ll try really hard not to do that.”

(Less than two miles later, my husband spots three deer by the side of the road, and watches them. I’m looking straight ahead and I see the fourth deer — literally a deer in the headlights — in the middle of the road.)

Me: “Watch out! Deer in the road!”

(My husband brakes like mad and swerves around the deer, muttering various expletives. We miss the deer, which finally moves across and off the road.)

Husband: “What did we just say about trying hard not to do

They Cardly Notice Each Other Anymore

Florida, Holidays, Ignoring & Inattentive, Office, Spouses & Partners, Tampa, USA | Romantic | February 27, 2019


(My husband typically works the day shift at his employer. Two weeks ago, the company got a new contract for a job that requires work be done during the night shift, and my husband, being one of the newer employees, is chosen for the job. Instead of working from six am to six pm, he’s now working from six pm to six am and sleeping during the day while I’m away at work. Unfortunately, this means our original plans for Valentine’s Day are ruined, and while we’re sad about it, we decide to celebrate on a later date. Still wanting to do something, I buy a card for him and place it underneath his phone before I leave for work on Valentine’s Day, hoping he’ll see it when he wakes up. Around noon, I get a phone call from him.)

Husband: “Happy Valentine’s Day. I just wanted to let you know I’m heading into work early today. The new guy broke one of the machines, so I’m going to see if I can fix it before calling in the tech. Good news is that since I’ll be there at one this afternoon, I can leave around midnight rather than stay until six, so I can catch up on sleep. Did you see the card I left you?”

Me: “Umm… What card?”

Husband: “Seriously? I left it right by your purse so you’d see it before you left for work.”

Me: *chuckling* “I’m really sorry. I’ll look for it when I get home. Speaking of which, did you see the card I left you?”

Husband: “Uh…”

Me: “Are you kidding me right now? I left it underneath your phone!”

Husband: *chuckling* “I don’t know what to say. I really don’t.”

Me: “Sheesh. We really belong together, don’t we?”

Husband: “Or we’re just both unobservant.”

Me: “You know what? Don’t ruin the moment on Valentine’s Day.”

(Sure enough, I found his card in the same spot where I left it, and my card was next to where my purse was sitting.)

Taking Some Terror-Of-The-Nyquil

Bizarre, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, USA | Romantic | February 26, 2019


(My girlfriend and I are in bed. I’ve been having bad insomnia, so I get some sleeping medicine to try to help. I’ve never taken it before, so I don’t know how I will react. This is what happens, according to my girlfriend. I roll over with my eyes barely open and speak to her.)

Me: “They walk among us, but we can’t see them.”

Girlfriend: “Who’s ‘they’?”

Me: “I… I don’t know. They can be shadows or have writhing tentacles that they take people with and eat them. They can take the form of a black dog or a raven.”

(I have no memory of this, but my girlfriend was — rightfully so — pretty scared to go back to sleep!)

Microchip Micro-Aggressions

Car, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Wyoming | Romantic | February 25, 2019


(My husband and I have just dropped off our kitten to get spayed and microchipped. It’s important to note that we have other dogs and cats, and my dad is a narcissist who tried breaking us up several years ago.)

Me: “Let’s get the Bengals microchipped when we get their next shots.”

Husband: “Deal. Do they mark the ear to show they’re microchipped?”

Me: “I don’t know. I know dogs get tags.” *pauses and glances at my husband* “I wonder if they microchip husbands.”

Husband: *laughs* “Man found on side of road, bump on head. Doctors say his last memory was telling wife that father-in-law was right all along.”

Me: “Yep, that’d do it!”

Time To Sitz Down

home, Pennsylvania, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 23, 2019


(My husband uses a sitz bath. I am in the bathroom and the thing keeps falling over, so I’m grumbling at it. This happens when I come back out to the living room.)

Husband: “What were you grumbling about?”

Me: “Your stupid thing kept falling over.”

Husband: “That’s what you were complaining about?”

Me: *opening the door to go upstairs* “The thing for the pain in the a** was being a pain in the a**.” *closes the door and then realizes what I said before opening it again* “I was talking about the sitz bath, not you.”

It’s Women That Drive The Relationship

Australia, Bigotry, Car, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | Romantic | February 20, 2019


(My husband and myself are driving along a dirt road when I notice an odd noise.)

Me: “There’s an odd noise on my side of the car; it’s like something is scraping.”

Husband: “I can’t hear a thing.”

Me: “It’s coming from the passenger side front wheel and it gets louder when you use the brakes.”

Husband: “We are on a dirt road; how would you hear anything? Just your imagination.”

(He won’t listen to me when I keep complaining about the noise for the next couple of weeks; he still can’t hear a thing. We need to get a registration inspection and tune-up done; we always get a mobile mechanic to come to our home.)

Mechanic: “Okay, I just need to duck off and get some new spark plugs. Is there anything else you can think of that might need doing?”

Me: “There’s a noise in the front passenger side wheel.”

Mechanic: “I just took it for a drive and didn’t hear a thing.”

Me: “I keep hearing a scrape coming from there; I think it’s the brakes.”

Mechanic: “Okay, your brakes are well within specifications–” *shows me the printout from the test he performed* “–but if it makes you happy, I’ll take a quick look at them.” *takes the wheel off to examine the pads and disks.* “Oh, my God! You were right about the brakes; the brake pad is so worn that it’s almost metal on metal. How on earth did you hear that?”

(He completes the service and I pay the bill.)

Mechanic: “Oh, if your husband says anything about the extra charge for the brakes, tell him I think his wife has bloody good hearing and that she probably saved his life, because those brakes wouldn’t have lasted a month. I’ll leave you the old pads to prove it.”

(My husband still won’t believe me and tells me that the mechanic was just humouring me because I am a woman and got extra money for nothing. My dad turns up, and my husband shows him the brake pads.)

Husband: “What do you think of these?”

Dad: *gasps* “I’ve never seen such badly worn pads in my life! You’re lucky, because I don’t think they would have lasted two more weeks.”

(That finally shut him up, but it had to come from a man because women don’t know anything about cars.)

Tongs Of Joy

home, Montana, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 17, 2019


(Earlier in the day I watched a popular de-cluttering television show. Now, I am attempting to cook in my mother-in-law’s kitchen and failing miserably because I can’t find anything.)

Me: “Arrrgh!”

Husband: “Hun? What’s wrong?”

Me: “Your mom has so much junk in these drawers that I can’t even open them!”

Husband: “I know, and you know, she blames it on the grandkids!”

Me: “Seriously?! Who needs this many sets of tongs?!”

Husband: “Yeah…”

Me: “That’s it. I’m going to sit your mom down and make her hold each pair of tongs and tell me which ones bring her joy!”

A Spoonful Of Sugar Helps The Diet Go Down

Engaged, Food & Drink, Health & Body, home, USA |
Romantic | February 16, 2019

(I am trying to lose a bit of weight before my wedding, but I tend to have somewhat poor impulse control, foodwise. My fiancé knows this, as I have asked for his help to keep me on track. I am at his mother’s house for lunch one day, and I see that she has made brownies for us. Trying to be good, I cut a piece in half and offer one piece to my fiancé.)

Fiancé: “I was going to have a whole piece, actually.”

Me: “Oh, okay.” *picks up the second half along with my half*

Fiancé: “But if it will help you stay on track…” *takes his half back*

Me: *disappointed* “Oh… But you wanted more!”

Fiancé: “Yes, but I also want to help you with this! You did ask me to, you know.”

Me: “Yes… but I didn’t want you to actually do it!”

Fiancé: “Um…”

Me: “Yeah, you know, I want you to help me by supporting me letting me do whatever I want!”

(I ended up with only the half brownie.)

When She Gives You The Look Of Death

Great Stuff, home, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | February 15, 2019


(After a brief bit of, um, intimate groping, I make the following remark to my wife:)

Me: “I think that should go on your tombstone someday: ‘more fun in her pants.'”

Wife: *thinks a bit* “You know, I’m not at all ready for you to die, but I am now hoping you go first.”

Sleepwalking Away From This Relationship

Bizarre, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, France, home | Romantic | February 14, 2019


(This takes place four years ago, when I’ve just started dating my boyfriend. I always take a long time to fall asleep, so I’m used to lying in bed next to someone who’s already asleep. My boyfriend and I have been long-distance for about a month and this is his first night at my place. He has been sleeping for about 20 minutes when he rolls towards me and gets up on his elbow.)

Boyfriend: “You know, I don’t want anything serious.”

(That is a big deal, as I thought we both wanted a committed relationship. I have a personal “no one-night-stand” rule.)

Me: “Um… What the f***? What do you mean?”

Boyfriend: *lying back down* “It’s complicated…”

(Something seems off. He has been nothing but very nice and open to conversation up until now, and this answer is out of place. I get up, go to my living room, and try to control my temper, as I’m very explosive. When I come back, I ask him:)

Me: “What was that about?”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “What do you mean what? You know perfectly well what I’m referring to!”

Boyfriend: “Do you know where my leeks are?” *pause* “Oh, that’s embarrassing…”

(And that’s how I found out my boyfriend talks in his sleep. I quickly calmed down and asked him about it in the morning. Of course, he didn’t remember and hadn’t meant a word of it. We live together now, and at least twice a week we chat about random stuff like the price of trout on Mars. It’s very unsettling because his voice isn’t sleepy when he does it and he actually answers me when I talk back, but now I find it funny!)

That’s So Corny(flakes)

home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | February 13, 2019


(I am getting myself and my baby dressed for the day when my husband runs into the bedroom and throws a cereal box on our bed.)

Husband: “There! Now you can say I gave you breakfast in bed.” *runs out*

Me: *speechless*

A Breakdown Evens Out A Breakup

Awesome Workers, England, Fights/Breakups, Retail, UK | Romantic | February 12, 2019


(I am a cashier at a drugstore, trying to get through my last year of university, when I see a girl in the same uni hoodie as mine enter the store. She seems to be around 18 or 19 and is holding an aftershave that usually costs around £40.)

Girl: *in tears* “I’m so sorry. I bought this a couple of weeks ago and I want to return it. I know I might not be able to because it’s opened, but is there anything you can do?”

Me: “Er… My manager is just over there; I’ll grab her. Is everything… okay?”

Girl: “No, I’m sorry. My boyfriend is at [Distant Uni], and I bought some of his aftershave so I could make his hoodies smell of him — I know that sounds strange — and he broke up with me last week, and I can’t bear to smell this stupid f****** smell anymore, but there’s loads left, and I don’t want to waste my money…“ *breaks down again*

Me: “Oh, no! I’m so sorry about that. This is my manager; could you explain that to her?”

Manager: “I heard, honey, and I’m so sorry. Give me a second and I’ll see what I can do.”

(There are a few seconds while my manager tries to refund it.)

Manager: “Sweetheart, I have some good news: I can refund you even though it’s opened.”

Girl: “Thank you so much. Do you want me to just… I mean… Should I…”

Manager: “I’ll take it from you, honey. Do you want cash?”

Girl: “C-Cash is fine, it’s okay. Thank you.”

Manager: “While you’re here, sweetheart, get some chocolate or ice cream or anything you need, on me. I got divorced last year and I needed all the chocolate I could get!”

(The girl declined, but she came in a week later with a box of chocolates and a thank-you card each for me and my manager. In my card was a phone number. Ten years after that, we’ve been married for five years, and we have a baby daughter.)

That Kind Of Thinking Got You Pregnant In The First Place

Austin, Health & Body, home, Love/Romance, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | February 11, 2019


(I’m six months pregnant and don’t have many maternity clothes, so I throw on a dress and tights before going to work.)

Husband: “You look really nice today.”

Me: “I ran out of pants that fit.”

Husband: “You’re carrying our child. You are the hottest woman in the world, even more so without pants.”

You’re So Hot

Canada, Flirting, home, Saskatchewan, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | February 10, 2019


(My husband is getting ready to go to work, which he really doesn’t want to do.)

Me: “You have to start the car to let it heat up; it’s cold outside”

(He gets an evil grin on his face, walks up to me, and grabs my boob, turning his hand a little.)

Me: “What do you think you are doing?”

Husband: “Starting the car, but it’s not working. OH!” *while still holding my boob, he moves behind me and stands so his front is touching my backside* “Maybe I have to put the key in.”

Me: “Out! Go start the car!”

(He opens up his mouth to say something, but before he does I specify:)

Me: “The Malibu!”

Husband: “But you are my Malibu Barbie.”

(Laughing, he runs out of the house to start the car. A couple of minutes later, he is back inside and asks where his mitts are; I borrowed them to shovel some snow.)

Me: *handing them to him* “Sorry, they are still wet. At work, you should put them by a heater or something so they dry properly.”

(Again, he gets that evil smile and walks up to me, placing a mitt on each shoulder. I just look at him.)

Husband: “They will be dry in no time now.”

Me: *oblivious* “What do you mean?”

Husband: “You said to put them by something hot!”

(He is the weirdest romantic you will ever meet, but he’s mine.)

These Dreams Just Don’t Add Up

home, Husband/Wife, Math & Science, Texas, USA | Romantic | February 9, 2019


(My husband is absolutely not a morning person, rarely wakes to his alarms, and often talks quite clearly in his sleep. This conversation occurs when I try to wake him, after several other attempts, around 5:30 am. I have about an hour drive to work and we share one car, which he needs to use during my shift this day. Also — he absolutely hates math.)

Me: “[Husband], it’s time to get up. I’ve got to leave for work soon.”

Husband: “Okay. I’m awake.”

Me: “If you’re actually awake, you need to get out of bed.”

Husband: “I’m awake. Just a minute. We need to do math.”

Me: “…Math?”

Husband: “Yeah….”

(I leave him for a bit to make some coffee, then return to him snoring and try again.)

Me: “[Husband], are you going to wake up or just stay in bed doing math?”

Husband: *snapping awake* “Why the f*** would I do math?”

Driving To The Only Reasonable Conclusion

home, Husband/Wife, New York, USA | Romantic | February 8, 2019


(For about six months after an accident, my husband and I have one car, forcing a lot of coordination between our schedules. For the most part, this is fine because we both work from home, most of our outings are with mutual friends, and we usually go grocery shopping together anyway. One night, he is crawling in bed when this conversation occurs:)

Me: “How’s your project going?”

Husband: “I need to go to the hardware store tomorrow to finish it.”

Me: “Okay. Just remember, I need the car at 3:00 for a doctor’s appointment.”

Husband: “Okay. I’ll just go in the morning, then.”

(The next morning, he’s working on his project in the basement. I ask when he wants to go to the hardware store and he shrugs. I go back to my work, thinking he’ll come up shortly. Around 2:00 I hear him coming up the stairs.)

Husband: “Okay. I’m gonna get my shower and then head to the hardware store. Do you need anything?”

Me: “Uh… the car?”

Husband: “What? Why? I told you I need to go to the hardware store today. What are you doing?”

Me: “Going to the doctor.”

Husband: “Since when?”

Me: “Since I set the appointment six months ago. It’s a checkup.”

Husband: “You never told me about this! Now I have to wait longer?”

Me: “Or you could have gone this morning, like you said you would last night, or you can come along and take the car while I’m at the doctor’s office and pick me up after.”

Husband: “They’re not in the same part of town. That’s not— This is ridiculous.”

Me: *deadpan* “Yes. Yes, it is. If only we had already talked about this at a previous time, like last night getting into bed.”

Husband: “Well, I— Oh. We did.”

Me: “Mmhmm.”

Husband: “And I forgot.”

Me: “Mmhmm.”

Husband: “So, I guess I’ll drive you?”

Me: *kisses him on the cheek* “Thank you, darling.”

A Very Direct Message

Harassment, home, Online, USA | Romantic | February 7, 2019


(A man I don’t know sends me a direct message on Facebook:)

Man: “Hey, you. How’s it going?”

Me: “I’m all right. Do I know you?”

Man: “No, but you could.”

Me: “Do we have mutual friends?”

Man: “Don’t think so.”

Me: “Did you see me at work or something?”

Man: “Wish I did!”

Me: “How did you come across my profile?”

Man: “Just looking for cuties. So, tell me about yourself.”

Me: “I’m actually pretty boring.”

Man: A beauty like you? No way.”

Me: “Yeah. Pretty boring.”

Man: “You got a picture?”

Me: “Don’t you know what I look like?”

Man: “I’d like to know more.”

Me: “No, thanks.”

Man: “I’ll trade you.”

Me: “No.”

Man: “I’m not ashamed.”

Me: “I’m not available.”

Man: “Nobody has to know.”

Me: “I don’t involve myself with d***wads.”

Man: “Well, I don’t involve myself with ugly f****** c***s like you.”

Me: “Then I guess we’re done here.”

Man: “Your p**** probably stinks.”

Me: “I guess you’ll never know.”

Man: “You’d be lucky to swallow my c*m.”

Me: “Your mother should have swallowed you.”

Man: “F*** YOU!”

Me: “Apparently, you’re not. Have a nice life!”

(I blocked him immediately.)

It’s Obviously The Girls’ Fault For Having Legs

Harassment, Non-Dialogue, School Bus, USA | Romantic | February 6, 2019


There was a boy on my school bus who was at least four years older than me. He always gave me the creeps and I hated seeing him in the bus window every day. Whenever any girl boarded the bus, he would scoot to the edge of the seat and put his hand out. The aisles weren’t wide so more often than not, he would brush their legs as they passed. Of course, the bus driver never saw it because of the girls’ legs blocking her view, so there was nothing she could do but to tell the boy to keep his hands to himself again and again.

My younger sister was in first grade when she started riding the bus with me; I was about ten years old at the time. She never wanted to board first because she didn’t want the boy to touch her. I always walked through first, putting my backpack between my legs and his arm. She scurried behind me, trying to stay out of his reach.

One day, we didn’t see him in the window so we thought he wasn’t riding that day. My sister went first, only to see the boy crouched between the seats, hand at the ready. She backed up, refusing to go forward. The bus driver told her to keep moving, despite her protests and asking the driver to tell the boy to go back to the window. I warned the driver that if he touched either of us, I would hit him. The bus driver told us to go, the boy grinning.

My sister tried to run by the boy. I watched him stick his hand out just as she passed, grabbing her upper inner thigh (and possibly touching other parts, but she never said) and squeezing. She screamed and ran to her seat.

I don’t really remember the next part, but the bus driver and the boy both said I basically went feral. I swung my backpack at the boy, screaming “PERVERT!” and screeching at the top of my lungs. The bag hit the boy on top of the head, then upward to catch him under the chin. I pulled back for another blow when the driver grabbed me and shoved me back down the aisle.

When we got to school, the boy’s parents, my parents, the guidance counselor, and the police were all there. His parents were threatening to press charges against everyone on the bus and the school. Several other girls who rode the same bus barged in the office and told their stories. His parents stopped threatening to sue and instead argued he shouldn’t be punished because he had an undiagnosed learning disability and didn’t know what he was doing.

I was suspended from school for a whole week and told to write an apology to the boy and his family. My parents enlisted extended family and changed their schedules to drive us to school until I got my license at 16.

The boy was punished by being moved to an assigned seat directly behind the bus driver. I never got my apology, but I wasn’t forced to write one either.

About fifteen years after all this happened, I came back to my hometown and decided to attend a carnival. When we got to the gate, my sister shrunk behind me. I looked up and locked eyes with the same boy, taking money and stamping hands at the entrance. He turned dead white and excused himself before darting in the bathroom. He didn’t come out until after we left. I saw him walking the grounds while we were there, but he never approached us.

The Thirteenth Lobster

Burlington, home, Husband/Wife, Massachusetts, USA | Romantic | February 5, 2019


(My mother is reading in bed while my father sleeps, when he abruptly sits up.)

Dad: “How many are there?”

Mom: “…how many what?”

Dad: “Lobsters.”

Mom: *realizing he’s asleep and knowing how much he loves lobster* “Thirteen.”

Dad: “Well, get them off!”

Mom: “What?”

Dad: “Get. Them off. The BED!”

(He then lay down and went back to sleep. This was one of my mother’s favorite stories for years.)

Smells Like Trouble

Bizarre, Grocery Store, Harassment, Texas, USA | Right Romantic | February 4, 2019


(As I’m getting to the end of my evening shift, I check out this lady on her phone. It goes fairly well — she’s communicating with me and such — and then a jerk customer comes in and talks about how good she smells.)

Creepy Customer: “Hey, ma’am, you smell so amazing! I could smell you all over the store, and here you are!”

Lady: *talking to the person on the phone* “This guy here is smelling me.”

(I can’t hear the person on the other end, but I’m sure they ask where she is. I’m assuming it’s her husband.)

Lady: “I’m checking out at the store.”

Creepy Customer: “Hey, lady, some people would take that as a compliment!” *puts his arms around her*

Lady: *pushes him away, and has this look on her face while she pays and leaves*

Me: *starts checking out said creep, not saying one word as I am watching what he does*

Creepy Customer: *starts shouting his number*

Me: *holding a heavy case of beer* “Please, one sec.”

Creepy Customer: *still saying the number over and over*

Me: *starts bagging*

Creepy Customer: *grabs my arm* “Hey, I like your watch! Give me your watch. Haha.”

Me: *jerks back fast, giving him a look*

Creepy Customer: *gets annoyed and has his friend pay*

Me: *asks another cashier to get a manager and fast*

(I had to stay late so I could inform the manager and report the creepy jerk. The manager took a look at the cameras to know what the creep looked like so he could tell the other managers. No, I don’t think the creepy jerk was drunk. The only thing I could smell was my lotion, and that’s probably what he could smell.)

This Relationship Just Levelled Up

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, New Jersey, USA | Romantic | February 4, 2019


(My boyfriend and I are in a voice call as we’re in a long distance relationship. He’s playing a video game while I’m reading through a few stories online.)

Boyfriend: “Is it wrong to kill ships that are two levels under me?”

Me: “No, it’s just EXP farming.”

Boyfriend: “And this is why I love you.”

Boobs Are Hot

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Germany, home, Tuttlingen | Romantic | February 3, 2019


(It’s winter. I’m in the kitchen, baking bread. My boyfriend sits in the living room on the couch. After getting the bread out of the oven, I lift my shirt and let the warm air from the oven blow to my bare breasts. Seconds after I start running to the couch.)

Me: “Honey, touch my boobs! Touch my boobs!”

(He seems slightly confused, but obliges and realizes that they are warm.)

Boyfriend: “Did you just lift your shirt to get them warm from the oven?”

(I spot a big grin, nodding excitedly.)

Boyfriend: “Yes. That’s my wife. No one else could be that way!”

(I’m gonna marry him. His crazy matches my crazy perfectly!)

So Panicked You Peed A Little Bit

El Paso, home, Non-Dialogue, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | February 2, 2019


When I was young my dad had an IT job that could call him into work at any time, on top of his normal working hours. At least once a week he would a get a phone call in the middle of the morning and would have to get dressed and go to the office.

One night, my mom woke up and noticed that he wasn’t in bed next to her. She looked at the clock to find that it was past three am. Concerned, she got out of bed and walked into the living room to call him. She reached his office answering machine — this was before everyone had cell phones — and left a message about how it was late and whatever he was doing could wait until he got some sleep. She then went back to her room and slid into bed, only to find another person already in the bed. She screamed like a banshee until she realized it was my father’s panicked voice asking, “What?! What is it?!”

Turns out, while Mom had left their room to make the phone call, my dad was in their master bathroom brushing his teeth. He had kept the lights off and was trying to be quiet so as to not wake her and then climbed into bed before she got back.

That’s How You Slide Out Of The Tape

Austin, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Rude & Risque, Supermarket, USA | Romantic | February 1, 2019


(My girlfriend and I like going on road trips. This time, we’re flying to Austin to meet friends, then taking a rental car to San Francisco. Since we came by plane, there are a few things that we plan on buying at the starting point; for example, a big cooler box to sit in the back seat of the car — very useful on the road, but not something you’d take on the plane. We’ll buy one at the start of the trip and donate it at the destination before boarding the plane home. We are now joining our friend at the supermarket to shop for the last two things we need.)

Friend: “So, what are you and [Girlfriend] looking for, exactly?”

Me: “Duct tape and massage oil.”

Friend: *falling over backward laughing*

(I swear it made total sense to buy exactly those two things at exactly that point of time, not kinky at all!)

Frequent Harassment Now Available In Every Aisle

Great Stuff, Harassment, Jerk, Retail, USA |
Right Romantic | February 1, 2019

(I’m 27. A man in his 50s visits our store at least twice a week. I don’t like waiting on him but he knows me by name and will wait around until I’m available to help. Several associates have offered to help him so he doesn’t have to wait, but he always refuses. It’s a few days before Black Friday and I’m trying to set up some of the displays so that we are ready to go. I see him enter the store and wink at me. I roll my eyes and move to another department.)

Coworker: *on the walkie* “[My Name], there’s a customer waiting for you by customer service.”

Me: *sigh* “No, I’m sorry. I can’t deal with him today; I’ve got too much to do.”

Coworker: *pause* “Well, he’s off to find you, anyway. I did tell him you were busy. Sorry…”

Me: “Thanks, anyway.”

(It isn’t long before I hear the man calling my name in a sing-song voice. I take a deep breath and turn.)

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Beautiful as ever! How are you?”

Me: “Very busy.”

(I gesture to the pallet of boxes I have to stock.)

Customer: “I don’t understand why someone as pretty as you gets stuck with men’s work.”

Me: “Equal opportunity employment. Are you looking for something in particular?”

Customer: “Just your smile.”

Me: *no smile* “Have a nice day, sir.”

(I return to my work, thinking that’s the last of it. Of course, it’s not. He returns a few minutes later.)

Customer: “When are you off?”

Me: “Later.”

Customer: “I think a hard-working woman like you deserves a drink.”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Customer: “A dinner?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Another night?”

Me: “No.

Customer: “Ah, a breakfast girl.”

Me: *frustrated* “No.”

Customer: “Movie!”

Me: “I am not interested. I do not want to go out with you for dinner, or drinks, or breakfast, or anything. I am happily married, and nothing you say or do will change my mind.”

Customer: *pale, shocked* “But—“

Me: “Now, if there is nothing work-related I can help you with, goodbye, and have a good evening.”

(A few days later I received word that he had complained about my poor customer service skills to our corporate complaint line. Nothing came of it, but now when he comes in, I’m conveniently not working!)

Had That Car For A Barking Lifetime

home, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | January 31, 2019


(My wife and I have three dogs: two older ones that weigh 100 pounds and 80 pounds, and a younger one that is 55 pounds and not likely to get much bigger. Our small SUV has been great for carting them around, but I’m thinking of trading it in for a small truck.)

Me: “We can put a camper top on the truck. That way we don’t have to worry about them jumping out of the back, and the back won’t get too hot in the sun. Then, when the older ones have gone to the dog park in the sky, we can get rid of the top. [Young Dog] will be able to ride inside.”

Wife: “We might not even have that truck anymore when we lose the big dogs. We still have five to seven years with them. What if we’ve traded it for something else by then?”

Me: *looks at the SUV in the driveway that we’ve had for twelve years* “Really?”

Peacocktease

Florida, Harassment, Mall, Strangers, Tampa, USA |
Romantic | January 30, 2019

(I am sitting by myself on a bench in the local mall, waiting for my husband who has run to the bathroom. I happen to have long hair with streaks of teal in it. I’m replying to some work emails on my phone, not looking around at anyone, when a guy comes up to me.)

Guy: “I just had to tell you…”

Me: *confused, startled look*

Guy: *in what is probably an overly passionate tone for an eight-dollar box-dye job* “Your hair looks like a cascade of peacock feathers trailing down your shoulders.”

Me: *really taken aback by his earnestness, but honestly appreciating the compliment* “Oh. Um. Thanks!”

Guy: “So, I was thinking—“

(At that point, my husband walks up to me.)

Husband: “Okay, honey. Where are we getting lunch?”

(The guy looks at my husband, who is only just noticing him and gives him a polite, inquisitive smile. Then, the guy gives me a positively acidic look.)

Guy: “Okay, TEASE!” *turns and storms off*

(It was confusing, but mostly funny. Sorry my teasing, come-hither cascade of peacock hair lead you on or whatever, my dude. Hope you chill out some and grow up.)

A Hurricane Of Bad Relationships

Florida, Great Stuff, home, In-Laws, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Weather | Related Romantic | January 30, 2019


(My sister-in-law went through a string of abusive relationships before meeting my brother, but my brother is very good to her. They are on vacation when we get word that a massive hurricane is headed for their home. I’m already planning to evacuate, but they call me and ask me to go to their home and get some of their most important possessions — legal docs, computers, etc. — and I agree. I’m on the phone with them while I’m packing up their stuff.)

Sister-In-Law: “By the way, there’s something important I need you to get, but you’ll have to search for it.”

Me: “Okay. What am I looking for?”

Sister-In-Law: “In our walk-in closet, in my sock drawer, there is a pair of purple socks. Can you go find them?”

Me: *wondering why she is having me grab socks, of all things* “Sure… Okay, I got ’em.”

Sister-In-Law: “Great. You should feel something inside. Can you open up the sock and get it out?”

(I do so. I find hundreds of dollars wrapped in a tight bundle.)

Me: “Jesus. Must be a thousand dollars here.”

Sister-In-Law: “Yeah, that’s my ‘running away’ money, in case things with [Brother] don’t work out.”

My Brother: *who has been married to her for seven years and has heard this entire conversation* “Oh, that’s a good idea. Too bad you’ll need a new hiding place when we get back.”

Sister-In-Law: *dejected sigh* “Yeah…”

(The rest of the packing was uneventful.)

No Means No Means No Means No Means…

Bad Behavior, Georgia, Harassment, Hotel, USA | Romantic | January 29, 2019


(I’m the front desk clerk for one of many hotels around the Atlanta Football Stadium. This happened last year during football season.)

Guest’s Friend: “Um, my friend wanted me to ask for a pen and paper.”

(I find both his behavior and his mention of his friend asking him to do this a bit odd. He looks like he feels extremely awkward about having to talk to me, and what happens shortly after explains why. He walks off after awkwardly thanking me and goes around the corner out of sight. I can hear two to four guys whispering, one of them chuckling and sounding a bit excited. The guy comes back.)

Guest’s Friend: *even more awkwardly before* “Umm, uh… just… Here, he wanted me to give you this.”

(He attempts to hand me a folded piece of paper and I realize it must be a phone number. I’m slightly shocked, because I don’t think of myself as that attractive, and I don’t expect such events like this to happen. Not wanting to put his friend in any more awkwardness, and wanting to just let him be on his way, I accept the paper from him and simply say, “Thanks,” also feeling a bit awkward, and let him return to his friends. I can hear them all whispering again, and the one voice from before sounds even more excited now. Soon after, the group of them comes out from around the corner to head out, and the guy in the back turns around and walks backward among the group, looking at me. They all look to be in their late teens; I’m 30.)

Creepy Guy: “I’ll hear from you later, right?”

(He does a double finger-gun motion and winks at me.)

Me: “Um…”

Creepy Guy: “Night, my sweet thang.”

(Just before the automatic doors close I hear him tell his friends in a slightly raised, happy voice:)

Creepy Guy: “I hope she calls me tonight! Ah, man!”

(I think nothing of it at first until they return after a couple of hours.)

Creepy Guy: “I’ll be up for a few more hours, cutie. Don’t worry about waking me when you call.” *winks again before going to their room*

(I feel bad for the guy because I can tell he’s all excited by the simple fact that I blindly took his phone number without having any clue who the number was from other than the guy’s “friend.” Not wanting this guy to get overly excited for nothing, or stay up waiting for my call, I decide to wait a few minutes before texting the number given to me to give him the bad news.)

Me: “Hey. It’s the lady from the front desk. I’m sorry, but I’m dating someone. I didn’t mean to get you all excited before; I just didn’t want to embarrass you in front of your friends earlier. I’m really sorry. I was just trying to be polite during that situation.”

Creepy Guy: “Aww, really? That’s too bad. I’d love to get with you sometime. Can’t you ask?”

Me: “Ask? Umm, what do you mean?”

Creepy Guy: “Ask him if I can take you on a date!”

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not going to happen. We’ve been dating for four years and have been living together for two. We are pretty happy with each other and don’t have any interest in sharing each other with others.”

Creepy Guy: “Aww, come on now. I can keep a secret; I won’t tell if you won’t tell!”

Me: “Um, sorry. No, I have to pass on that. Besides, I’m probably out of your age group for dating.”

Creepy Guy: “We can make it work. I don’t even live in the area, but I come out here for all the games in town, so we can go on dates often and see where things can go after. If the distance is an issue, I live just inside Alabama, so it’s not that bad of a drive if you want me over. I promise you’ll like me.”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, but I’m happy with my boyfriend. I’m sorry if I’ve ruined your night, but I really was just trying to be nice in front of your friends.”

(I’m thinking to myself, “Not like I could just leave if they did return; I have to act nice and polite to all guests as part of my job,” and I’m mentally kicking myself in the head for getting into this new situation.)

Creepy Guy: “Well, I’m fine. I know you’ll turn yourself around and decide to date me. I’m a great guy!”

Me: “I’m sure you are, but so is my boyfriend, who I love very much. I’m happy where I am now.”

Creepy Guy: “Can I come down and talk to you for a while?”

(I am thinking, “Oh, God, no, please don’t.”)

Me: “Oh, well my coworker has taken over my shift. I’ve already left for home.”

(I’m still at work, with another hour before my coworker arrives, but I’m hoping he doesn’t figure out I’m bluffing.)

Creepy Guy: “Well, you’re more than welcome to come back and ask for a key to my room and come see me.”

Me: “No, thanks. I’ll be eating dinner with my boyfriend shortly. Have a good night, and I hope things work out for you. I’m sure you’ll find someone out there to date.”

(I continue with my shift. I jump almost every time I hear the elevator being called up or someone coming down the stairs. and I hide in the side office of the front desk, hoping that if it’s him, he doesn’t see me and realize I’m still there and try to change my mind again. Luckily, my coworker arrives, I explain to him how happy I am to see him. I tell him of the events that took place, and the text messages. He chuckles and tells me to go ahead and leave instead of doing our usual long, friendly chats before I head home. Unfortunately, this isn’t the end of the tale for this guy. A few days later, via text.)

Creepy Guy: “Hey! You never called! Did your boyfriend say yes?”

Me: “Who is this?”

(I had the old messages deleted.)

Creepy Guy: “Oh, come on. It’s me! The guy from the hotel.”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry, but I thought I explained it to you before; both my boyfriend and I aren’t interested in dating other people, only each other.”

Creepy Guy: “You know you want to… Are you working now? I could come over and take you to dinner when you get off! When does your shift end?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m not sure how many times, or how many different ways I can tell you this. But I will not be dating you, or seeing you.”

Creepy Guy: “I’m a nice guy! Give a nice guy a chance! Nobody ever gives us a chance.”

Me: “You aren’t very nice if you think it’s okay for me to see someone else while living with and dating my boyfriend. I’m sorry, but this is a firm no. Please stop messaging me; my choice won’t change.”

Creepy Guy: “I bet I could treat you better than he does.”

(I block him at this point cause I’m no longer feeling up to being polite toward him anymore. Sadly, yet again, this still isn’t the end of it. Several weeks later, I’m working at the front desk again. I’m just now finishing a check-in for a new guest, and the creepy guy walks in and stands next to the new guest, just short from actually touching shoulders with them. The guest gives him an odd look and takes one step to the side, so they aren’t so close. I hand the guest his keys, making sure to keep the room number hidden, and send him on his way.)

Creepy Guy: “Hey, you never called me back! I’ve been trying to text you. Did something happen to your phone? Was that your boyfriend? Could I ask him for us? I really want to take you out some time.”

(I’m now hating life, knowing I have to at least attempt to be nice to him while working, and other guests and sitting in the lobby chatting to each other.)

Me: “No, that was just a guest. Again, I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in dating you. I’m very happy with my current boyfriend of four years.”

Creepy Guy: “Aww, come on! I like you. I’m a good looking guy. I’m nice! I swear, just give me a chance.”

(As he’s saying this, another guest and her husband are walking past to go out for dinner. She overhears him and has no clue I have just told him I’m dating someone already and that this guy is basically begging me to cheat.)

Female Guest: “Aww, look at the poor guy. Give him a chance; he seems to be a nice guy.” *continues to walk out of the hotel*

Creepy Guy: “See? Now you have to go on a date with me!”

Me: “I don’t have to do anything. Please, I’m working. I’ve already told you no many times. Please just go.”

(Of course, he doesn’t leave. He spends the next hour trying to talk me into dating him. He hardly moves out of other people’s way when I go to check them in, and occasionally interrupts them to talk to me as if we are friends. Eventually, the other guests in the lobby decide to leave, but they never speak up to him to try and encourage him to leave me alone, despite sending glances our way. Creepy Guy notices this and takes advantage now that we are alone.)

Creepy Guy: *trying to act all sad to gain my sympathy* ” Aww… I really wanted to see you. I was in town for another game and, well… it’s my birthday. I was really hoping I could get a birthday kiss from you, you know, since it’s my birthday and all.”

Me: “Just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean you’re entitled to get a kiss from me or anyone else. I. Am. Taken. There won’t be anything going on between you and me.

Creepy Guy: “Can’t I get a hug, at least?”

Me: “No.”

Creepy Guy: “Why not? Friends hug! It can be a friendly hug.”

Me: “One: I’m taken. Two: we aren’t friends; I don’t know anything about you. Three: I’m working. I can’t do anything like that, anyway. I have to be doing my job.”

Creepy Guy: “I won’t tell if you won’t tell! Just give me a kiss; it’s for my birthday!”

Me: “It could be the end of the world tomorrow, and you still won’t be getting either from me.”

Creepy Guy: “I bet I could jump over this counter. I just really want a kiss from you. Can’t I just have one kiss?”

Me: “Please don’t do that. I have cameras there, there, there, there, and there.” *points to every single camera we can both see, in hopes this will make him leave me alone, or at least prevent him from trying to jump over my counter* “My boss watches us from time to time, and she’ll glance over them to make sure we aren’t doing anything we aren’t supposed to. You can’t jump over this counter. Just don’t.”

Creepy Guy: “We could go over into that room next to you there!”

Me: “I’ve said no several times already; that should be the end of the conversation. Plus, there is a camera watching over the door that leads to that room, and a camera inside of the room itself. Please don’t make attempts to get to me.”

Creepy Guy: “Just go turn off the light, and I’ll be super fast and run in and hope she doesn’t see me go in, and then we can kiss in there!”

Me: “The cameras have night vision. Not that it matters — I’ve already told you no many, many times. Please leave me alone!”

(Of course, he doesn’t; he keeps switching between begging me for either a kiss, or a hug, and I keep refusing. He continues to barely give new arrivals room to stand at the desk to get checked in. After a few times of this happening, another guest arrives, and this time he decides to sidle over to the side of my desk where you can see most of what’s behind the counter-top, and he can see more than just my upper half.)

Creepy Guy: “Mmm, I love being able to see your curves. I just want to reach over and grab your a**.”

(He says this quietly, intending for only me to hear, but the new guest manages to hear him, too. I give the guest a look, trying to show that I’m not comfortable with this guy being around and finish his check-in. He hurriedly leaves and doesn’t make any attempts to save me from this creep. I sigh over my problems. I’m feeling very exposed now that this guy is checking out my a**, and I fail to find any way to mentally cover myself up, other than to face him so he can’t continue staring. Now he goes in circles about trying to get me to kiss him, hug him, or let him grab my a**, all because it’s his “birthday.” Eventually, I get the idea to text my boyfriend, asking him to rescue me and telling him to call the hotel, which he doesn’t notice right away. I text my coworker and tell him to call the hotel, but he’s sleeping and doesn’t see it until he wakes up in time to get ready for his overnight shift after I leave. Finally, the boyfriend sees my text and tries to ask why and I just text, “DO NOW PLZ,” so the guy doesn’t notice.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel, Location]. How can I help you?”

Boyfriend: “What’s going on? Why did you need me to call? Everything okay?”

Me: “OH, HEY, HONEY! Did you feed the cats when you got home?”

(The creepy guy can clearly hear me, and seems to sulk slightly when he realizes I’m talking to my boyfriend.)

Boyfriend: “Huh? What cats? Something going on?”

Me: “YES! It’s been a little busy today, but it’s quiet now that most of the guests have checked in. How was your day?”

Boyfriend: “I’m going to assume something is up. Are you in trouble or in any danger?”

Me: “I don’t think so.”

Boyfriend: “All right, so, whoever they are is still there?”

Me: “Yep, it’s been a long time, too.”

Boyfriend: “Well, that doesn’t sound fun. Do you need me to come over there?”

Me: “That would be nice, though I’m not sure if it will help much.”

Boyfriend: “Well, I can stay on the line for a bit and see if they go away? Do you think your boss will get upset at you if I keep you on the phone?”

Me: “That’s fine, I think; I’m sure she wouldn’t mind after I explain everything to her.”

Boyfriend: “Ah, okay. Just let me know if they leave, or you can just say a code if you think you want me to head over there. Just ask me if we can go see a movie tonight, and I’ll know to head right over.”

Me: “Aww, that’s great! So, how’s mom doing?”

(From there, we just have a normal conversation for a bit until the creep decides to finally leave.)

Me: “Oh, my God, thank you! That weird guy I told you about decided to return to the hotel and come at me full force! He kept claiming it was his birthday, and he was trying to get me to kiss or hug him for the longest time. Then he started checking out my a** and saying he was going to jump over the counter to grab my a** and kiss me! At one point, he made a motion like he was actually going to pull himself over the counter until other people came through the lobby.”

Boyfriend: “You going to be okay? Want me to come over until your shift is over and I can pretend that I’m your ride?”

Me: *looks at the time and realizes I’ve been dealing with the guy for over two hours of constant harassment* “Oh, wow. My shift is nearly over. I think I’ll be okay; if he comes back I’ll have you give me another call and we can pretend that you have no clue what we need from the house for groceries or something.”

(Luckily, he never returned, but every time the Alabama team played at our stadium I got worried he would return.)

Another Word For Throwing Out Is Ex-iled

England, Exes/Old Flames, home, UK | Romantic | January 28, 2019


My ex-husband was picking the kids up for his fortnightly weekend with them when he told me that he and his fiancée had broken up — right before Christmas. The problem with this was that her mum was already due to stay with them Christmas Eve so he had to share a bed with his now-ex, while her mum had the sofa.

He said he didn’t know how well he was going to sleep and he wasn’t looking forward to it. Without thinking I ‘joked’ that he’d managed to share a bed with me, knowing he was going to try and throw me out and survived. His face was a picture and a little part of me smiled inside.

Gangbangers Have To Use The Overflow Parking

Language & Words, Marriage & Partners, Parking Lot, USA, Utah | Romantic | January 27, 2019


(My husband and I took our nine-month-old daughter to the doctor’s for her booster flu shot. We drive into a spot that’s labeled “patron parking,” and my husband observes something to the effect of:)

Husband: “Yep, we’re allowed to park here.”

(I turn and get out of the car, while telling him:)

Me: “The label is probably for game days; the lot is rather close to the [Local College Stadium].”

(He gives me a funny look, and comes around to get the baby out of the car.)

Husband: “What did you say the label was for?”

Me: “Game days!”

Husband: *a massive look of relief rests on his face* “Oh, good. I thought you said they were for GANGBANGS.”

(I was laughing so hard that I barely made it to the building in a straight line.)