Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 11

Health & Body, home, Nurse, Religion | WA, USA | Right | November 14, 2016


(I am an RN that goes around to people’s homes. I get an order to obtain a blood draw from a particularly religious patient who refuses to let me try anywhere except the tiny blood vessels in her hand. As I’m on my second attempt, apparently she thinks I need a little help…)

Patient: *loudly, with eyes closed* “Lord Jesus, help her find that blood! Send the blood to her Jesus; she needs your help! Draw her to that vein, oh Lord, and show your power!”

Me: *as I finally hit a vein* “Got it!”

Patient: “Thank you!”

Me: “You’re welcome!”

Patient: “Not you.”

Me: “A little bit me

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 12

Medical Office, UK | Healthy | October 23, 2017


(This was a few years ago. I have made an appointment with a new GP to give me a contraceptive implant since I keep forgetting to take my pills and I want to be safe. This is my first time at this particular office.)

Doctor: “So I’m just going to numb the area first and then we’ll get the implant in there.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I roll up my sleeve and turn my head away.)

Doctor: “Are you all right?”

Me: “Oh, yeah, I just don’t like watching the needle go in. So I’m gonna look at that wall there.”

Doctor: “All right, then.”

(She then stuck the needle in and lifted the skin of my arm up with the needle as she removed it. When she apologized she attempted to do it again. Both times were quite painful but thankfully the needle didn’t break and the rest of the appointment went fine.)

Doctor: “Again, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened there. Maybe if you didn’t have such tiny arms!”

(Three years later I went to get my implant replaced. This time I got a nurse to do it. She did it completely pain free on the first try. I guess my tiny arms weren’t a problem for the nurse.)

Making Some Piercing Assumptions

Health & Body, Medical Office, Parents/Guardians, USA | Healthy | October 23, 2017


(My mother and I are out for lunch on my twentieth birthday. I’ve been wanting to get my navel pierced for a while, so when we pass a tattoo and piercing parlor I go in to check it out. It’s very clean and on the up and up, so Mom offers to pay for the piercing right then and there, and we get it done. Around this same time, I have to go in for an MRI on my right knee to see why it’s hurting so much lately. Mom and I are currently attending the same college, so I’m living at home to save money. Mom drives me to the appointment. She brings her homework and spreads it out all over the table and the surrounding seats, as there are a lot of seats and almost no people.)

Doctor: “[My Last Name]?”

Me: *jumping up* “Right here!”

(Mom begins to pack up her schoolwork.)

Me: *quickly* “Oh, no, that’s fine; you don’t need to come back! Just keep working on your project.”

Mom: *laughs* “I keep forgetting you’re an adult now.”

(I go back with the doctor and, all of a sudden, remember that I’m now pierced.)

Me: “Oh. Oh, jeeze.”

Doctor: “What?”

Me: “Well… see, I know the rules about MRIs and metal, but I just realized that I have a fresh piercing that I can’t take out yet… uh… this is going to be a problem, isn’t it?”

Doctor: “Not if we only scan your knee. May I see it?”

(I lift up my shirt to show him my piercing.)

Doctor: “Are you cleaning it?”

Me: “Twice a day with soap, water, and hydrogen peroxide.”

Doctor: *starts going through his desk* “We get a lot of kids with piercings that they don’t take care of and it can get real ugly, you know.”

Me: “Oh, I know. I got my ears done when I was six. And eight.”

(The doctor gives me a handful of individually wrapped sanitary wipes.)

Doctor: “Here, you can use these to keep the area clean.” *pause* “So, does your mother know about the piercing?”

Me: “What? Oh! Yes; yes, she does. She’s the one who got it for me. I only told her to stay because I didn’t want her to have to pack everything up, that’s all.”

(The doctor looks suspicious.)

Me: “Honest!”

(I change into the hospital gown and the procedure goes well. I get a little more lecturing about how to clean a piercing, and to always make sure to go to a reputable place that uses sterile equipment, before the doctor leads me out. When we’re both in the waiting room, I turn to Mom.)

Me: “Hey, Mom, tell the doctor who bought my navel piercing.”

Mom: “Um… I did?”

(The doctor laughed. Then believed me, and sent me home to await the results.)

Allergic To Your Attitude

England, Medical Office, Teenagers, UK, York | Healthy | October 23, 2017


(I have an itchy, raised lump on my leg, surrounded by a rash that is not getting better, so I go to see my doctor. I am 22.)

Doctor: “It looks to me like an allergy. I’ll give you these [Allergy Tablets] and if it is not better in a few days, come back.”

Me: “Don’t those tablets contain cetirizine dihydrochloride? I’m allergic to it.”

Doctor: “Don’t be ridiculous! Cetirizine dihydrochloride STOPS allergies. It’s impossible to be allergic to it!”

Me: “I was diagnosed by the allergy clinic at [Hospital]. It should be on my file? I know it sounds counter intuitive but I was tested for every ingredient in the tablets and that is the only one that came back positive. I can’t take it.”

Doctor: “You CANNOT be allergic to it. That isn’t physically possible.”

Me: “I took a hay fever tablet with cetirizine dihydrochloride in it and had a rash on my face and my neck. I was referred to the allergy clinic and they said that’s what caused it.”

Doctor: “I know you’re just trying to be special, but fine, I’ll look.”

(The doctor looks at my file and finds the letter saying I’m allergic to cetirizine dihydrochloride. He then prints and signs the prescription and gives it to me.)

Doctor: *leans right in to my face* “Just take the tablets and stop making such a fuss! You little girls, you stupid BABIES, and your little made up illnesses. Teenagers! Can’t do anything, the idiots. Get a grip and take the tablets. It is impossible to be allergic to the medication that stops allergies. Grow up and stop wasting my time!”

(I took the prescription as proof and reported what happened to the receptionist, who was very angry at the doctor. The doctor was reported to the GMC (General Medical Council). Another doctor treated my itchy leg without giving me cetirizine dihydrochloride. I was eventually diagnosed with a bee-sting allergy.)

It’s Called Healthyitis

Bizarre, Doctor/Physician | | Healthy Right | April 16, 2009


Me: “Thank you for waiting, my name is [My Name]. What is your call regarding?”

Patient: “Yeah, I want to ask the nurse a question.”

Me: “Is this regarding symptoms you are experiencing?”

Patient: “Yeah… well, kind of.”

Me: “What symptoms are you experiencing?”

Patient: “Actually, none.”

Me: “… you are experiencing no symptoms?”

Patient: “Yeah… I have no pain and I just want to know if that is normal.”

Flattery, The Best Medicine

Emergency Services, Health & Body, Medication, Respect Your Elders | | Healthy Right | August 26, 2008


(An elderly lady falls down in her apartment and has a cut on her wrist.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, I am afraid, we have to go to the hospital. You will need stitches for that cut and an X-ray to make sure your wrist isn’t broken.”

Patient: “No, I don’t wanna go. Just give me a shot and it will be okay.”

Coworker: “You mean for the pain?”

Patient: “No, so it will heal!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t have this kind of medication.”

Patient: “But it worked last time!”

Coworker: “Someone gave you a shot and the wrist healed by itself?”

Patient: “No, my sugar was too high and they gave me a shot and everything was okay!”

Coworker: “I see… Well, I can’t fool you; you know this stuff! Listen, I can give you a shot for the broken wrist, but this counteracts the anti-sugar medicine. So every time your sugar is too high, you can never get a shot again.”

Patient: “Never ever?”

Coworker: “Never ever again…”

Patient: “So why didn’t you just say so in the first place?”

Coworker: “Well, not every patient has such an understanding of medicine as you, so I always try to keep it simple.”

Patient: “Okay, then let’s go to the hospital.”

Coworker: “Gladly.”

Honey, He Ain’t A Scrapbooking Project

Crazy Requests, Great Stuff, Health & Body, Hospital | | Healthy Right | July 16, 2008


(I witnessed this on the hospital floor where I work. A patient’s daughter comes out of a hospital room and stands in the hallway, staring around looking lost.)

Nurse’s aide: “Can I help you?”

Daughter: “Yeah… can I have a stapler?”

(The nurse’s aide walks about two steps away to get a stapler and then thinks better of this request.)

Nurse’s aide: “Why do you want a stapler?”

Daughter: “My dad’s IV tubing is getting in his way. I thought it would be better if we stapled it to his arm.”

Nurse’s aide: “Um, I think tape would work better for that.”

Daughter: “You guys have tape here?”

Nurse’s aide: “Yeah, I have some here in my pocket.”

(The aide walks into the room to secure the IV tubing before any more of his genius children try to help.)

Daughter: *muttering* “I still think a stapler is a better idea…”

Oh, Dear…

Chicago, Funny Names, Illinois, Office, Party, Spouses & Partners, USA | | Romantic | July 10, 2019


(One of my coworkers got married, and a few weeks later he is still very much in his honeymoon phase. Everyone in the office has heard about when he met her, when they started dating, and when they got engaged through passing comments during casual conversations, but none of us has ever met her. He decides to attend a work party and bring his wife along. The running gag all night long is his overuse of terms of endearment.)

Coworker: “Darling, can you come here?”

Coworker: “Love, come meet my manager!”

Coworker: “Did you find your phone, sweetheart?’

Coworker: “I’m just going to run to the car, babe.”

Coworker: “Honey, have you seen my keys?”

Coworker: “Sweetie, can I borrow your phone?”

Coworker: “I can’t find my wallet, dear.”

Coworker: “Sugar, can you hand me that glass?”

Coworker: “Oh, angel! Come meet [Other Coworker]!”

Coworker: “Hey, lover, what time do you want to head out?”

(Eventually…)

Wife: “[Coworker]! Do you even know my name?!”

(I feel like I have to mention that she said it jokingly. They’ve been married for about seven years now, and he still prefers pet names. I wish them the best!)

Love Makes Fools Of Us All

Crush, Long Distance, Love/Romance, Pennsylvania, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, USA | | Romantic | July 8, 2019


(I am talking to a guy from the UK. We have a bit of a crush on each other but have never really acted on it due to the distance. One night, we are on Skype talking about how I’m a hopeless romantic and he’s just hopeless at romance.)

Crush: “I don’t know why you say I’m so bad; I always know exactly what to say.”

Me: “You really don’t. Girls like to be complimented and told other nice things.”

Crush: “So, what? I should start spewing Shakespeare or some crap?”

Me: “At this point, it wouldn’t hurt.”

(He proceeds to launch into actual Shakespeare, quoting Hamlet’s letter to Ophelia, all while looking at me with the sweetest look and speaking sweetly. Anyone that knows me would know that this is a pretty good way to woo me.)

Me: “Wow. That was actually beautiful. I didn’t know you could quote Shakespeare.”

Crush: “Aw, yeah, b****es love Shakespeare.”

Me: “Wow, way to ruin the moment.”

Crush: “Wait, we were having a moment? I want a moment!”

The Mother Of All Awkward Goodbyes

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Love/Romance, Minnesota, Parents/Guardians, USA, Young Love | | Romantic | July 7, 2019


(I’ve just met my daughter’s boyfriend for the first time after they’ve been dating for over a year, and he’s just brought us home from lunch with his parents. I’m in the back seat and the kids are saying goodbye, and there’s a fairly intense look between them.)

Boyfriend: *suddenly turning around* “Well, it was nice to finally meet you.”

Me: *taking the hint* “You, too.”

(I get out of the car and go to the door to wait for her.)

Me: *once she’s joined me* “Tell him I don’t mind if you kiss in front of me, but I appreciate the subtlety

All Newborns Are Beautifully Ugly

Australia, Family & Kids, home, Jerk, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | | Romantic | July 5, 2019


(My husband had seven siblings who each had children long before we married. He would never have anything to do with his nieces and nephews when they were babies, telling me that all babies were ugly. But when our daughter was born, he fell in love, and gushed over how beautiful she was. He constantly takes photos of her. About a week after we brought her home a package of photos that were taken at the hospital arrives by post, and he carries it in for me.)

Husband: “There’s a package for you.”

Me: *opening* “Oh, it’s the photos that were taken of [Daughter] at the hospital.”

Husband: “Show me.” *looks at photos* “That’s not [Daughter].”

Me: “Yes, it is.” *pulls out the invoice for the photos*

Husband: “No, she was never this ugly. What’s that you have in your hand?”

Me: “The invoice for the photos; we need to decide which sizes do we want to keep and pay for them.”

Husband: “No, they can be sent back. That’s not our daughter; she was never that ugly.”

All Newborns Are Beautifully Ugly

Australia, Family & Kids, home, Jerk, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | | Romantic | July 5, 2019


(My husband had seven siblings who each had children long before we married. He would never have anything to do with his nieces and nephews when they were babies, telling me that all babies were ugly. But when our daughter was born, he fell in love, and gushed over how beautiful she was. He constantly takes photos of her. About a week after we brought her home a package of photos that were taken at the hospital arrives by post, and he carries it in for me.)

Husband: “There’s a package for you.”

Me: *opening* “Oh, it’s the photos that were taken of [Daughter] at the hospital.”

Husband: “Show me.” *looks at photos* “That’s not [Daughter].”

Me: “Yes, it is.” *pulls out the invoice for the photos*

Husband: “No, she was never this ugly. What’s that you have in your hand?”

Me: “The invoice for the photos; we need to decide which sizes do we want to keep and pay for them.”

Husband: “No, they can be sent back. That’s not our daughter; she was never that ugly.”

Stranger Things Have Happened

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, California, home, Movies & TV, USA | | Romantic | July 4, 2019


(I’m sitting In my room, watching a popular TV show that had a third season come out of July 4th. Just as things start falling off walls and flying around in the show, a photo flies of my wall and falls to the floor making a huge noise.)

My Boyfriend: “Will?!”

Me: “If that light starts flickering, I’m sleeping at your place tonight…”

Gut-Wrenching Puns

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, California, home, Punny, USA | |
Romantic | July 4, 2019

Boyfriend: *playing a video game on his phone* “I livered—“ *leveled* “—up!”

Me: “You’ve got to be kidney-ing me.”

Boyfriend: *silence*

Me: “That joke wasn’t organ-ic?”

Take A Hint, Not A Sample

Comeuppance, Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Grocery Store, Harassment, USA | | Romantic | July 2, 2019


(I hand out samples at a grocery store. There is an undercover security officer who always comes by and hits on me, despite the numerous times I’ve told him I am not interested. Today, the store is super busy but nobody seems to want any of my samples. Then, I see him coming.)

Security: “Hey, you. How’s it going?”

Me: *annoyed* “Fine.”

Security: “Oh, don’t be sad. I’m here. You need a hug?” *opens his arms*

Me: “No.”

Security: “How about a smile? Science says you’ll feel better if you smile.”

Me: “No.”

Security: *picking up a sample cup* “That’s okay. You’re still pretty even when you’re mad.”

Me: *silent*

Security: “I haven’t eaten since breakfast. I’m starving! Are these candies or antacids or something? Berry flavored, right?”

Me: *glances at the bottle on the table* “They’re actually—“

Security: “So, lots of customers today?” *takes another sample cup*

Me: “No.”

Security: “Who could walk by you and not want to say hi?”

Me: *shrugs*

Security: “I’d spend all day here if I could.” *takes two more samples*

Me: *silent*

Security: “But I was also thinking about dinner and a movie tonight.” *takes another sample* “What do you think?”

Me: “I think you just ate five fiber tablets on an empty stomach.” *points to the bottle on the table*

(He looked panicked for a minute, then walked away without another word. I heard from one of the store employees that he spent quite a while in the bathroom that day.)

Because Men And Women Can’t Just Be Friends

Bowling Alley, Flirting, Friends, Harassment, USA | | Romantic | July 1, 2019


(A large group of us goes bowling one night after church. There are some new people in our group, including one particular guy who has decided to follow me around all night, attempting to enter every conversation I’m in. I’ve been able to avoid being alone with him so far, but when one friend gets up to take her turn, he slides into her seat.)

New Guy: “So, you’re [My Name], right?”

Me: “That’s me.”

New Guy: “I’ve been wanting to talk to you, but you’re pretty popular around here.”

Me: “And your name is…?”

New Guy: “Oh, sorry. I’m [New Guy]. It’s my first time. Do you guys always do big group stuff like this?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. It’s more fun that way.”

New Guy: *scoots closer* “So, are you single? Because I’d love to get to know you better…”

Me: “Um…”

(In one of those rare and perfectly-timed moments, one of my guy friends hops over the bench we’re sitting on and plants himself between me and the new guy.)

Guy Friend: “[My Name], what’s up? I feel like I haven’t talked to you all night. How’s life? How’s your bowling score?”

Me: “You know very well that you’re going to kick my butt, as always!”

Guy Friend: “Let it be known that you said it, I didn’t.” *turns to the new guy* “How’s it going, bro? Don’t think we’ve met. I’m [Guy Friend].”

New Guy: “Oh, fine. I get it.” *gets up and walks away*

Me: “Has anyone ever told you that you have insanely good

Meet-Cute At The Checkout

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Cashier, Convenience Store, Ignoring & Inattentive, LGBTQ, Love/Romance, USA | | Romantic | June 29, 2019


(My boyfriend has traveled to America to visit me. While checking out at a shop, he and the cashier are making conversation about that.)

Cashier: “So, what brings you to America?”

Boyfriend: “Him.” *points at me*

Cashier: “That’s nice. Are you planning on doing anything special here?”

Boyfriend: “Not really. I’m just going to relax and spend some time with my sweetie.”

Cashier: “Ooh, did you meet a cute girl here?”

Boyfriend: “No, him.” *points at me again*

Cashier: “…”

Cashier: “OHHHH.”

(We all laughed about it.)

How… Romantic?

Coworkers, Gift Shop, Love/Romance, Massachusetts, USA | | Romantic | June 28, 2019


(A coworker and I are restocking greeting cards by section. I am working on the “love” cards.)

Me: *holding up a card and reading the text aloud* “‘True love is life’s greatest adventure!’”

Coworker: “Nah, true love is s***ting with the door open.”

(Dear greeting card companies, I’ve got a pitch for you!)

Coffee Isn’t Great For Your Tum

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Extra Stupid, Health & Body, home, USA | | Romantic | June 23, 2019


(One morning before work, I wake up with bad acid reflux. After a while of trying ice and other home remedies, I ask my boyfriend to run up to the gas station and get me some Tums. He agrees and asks if I need anything else)

Me: “Yes! Coffee!”

Boyfriend: “…”

Me: “…”

Me: “You know what? Never mind.”

Bullet: Dodged

Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Dating, Great Stuff, Liars/Scammers, Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, Restaurant, USA | | Romantic | June 20, 2019


(In college, I go on a blind date with a friend of a friend. I have a bad feeling about it, but I brush it off and tell myself it’s just nerves. The night of the date, he is supposed to arrive at 6:00 pm. By 6:10, I start to wonder if I’ve been stood up. At 6:30, I call him.)

Date: “Hello?”

Me: “Um, hi, this is [My Name].”

Date: “Oh, hey! Look, yeah, I’m on my way. My mom was late getting home so I had to wait for her car.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’ll meet you out front?”

Date: “Yeah, I’ll be there soon.”

(Another fifteen minutes go by and a minivan pulls up in front of my house. My date flips on the overhead light and beckons me to hop in.)

Date: “All right! Hi! Nice to meet you. Wow, you are gorgeous!”

Me: “Oh. Um, well, thank you. You… you look nice, too.”

Date: “So, I was thinking about [Fancy Sushi Restaurant].”

Me: “I love sushi! I’ve never been to [Fancy Sushi Restaurant], though.”

Date: “You’ll love it.”

(We arrive and are seated immediately. The waiter comes by and my date orders a bottle of wine — “the best you’ve got” — and we each order two rolls of sushi, 12 pieces each.)

Me: “So, you’re an art major.”

Date: “I dropped out. I don’t think I need a state-sanctioned education to understand art. You know?”

Me: “Art is subjective, anyway. Something that makes you laugh might scare the pants off someone else.”

Date: *dead stare* “No. Not like that at all.”

Me: “Oh.”

Date: “It’s fine; you don’t have to understand.”

(I get the feeling he’s patronizing me, and as the night goes on, the feeling gets stronger. I try to remain polite, but then this happens.)

Date: “I mean, seriously, a female manager is a joke. A man is going to talk to the customers because they’ll see him as an authority figure.”

Me: “I’ve seen plenty of authoritative female managers.”

Date: *laughs* “They’re not called ‘wo-managers’!”

Me: “Okay. Um, I think it’s time to go home.”

Date: “Aren’t you enjoying your night?”

Me: “I’d like to go home.”

Date: *sigh* “Fine.” *waves for the check*

(The check comes and he picks it up to examine the charges. Then, he puts it down and begins patting down his coat pockets.)

Date: “Oh, man. You’re not going to believe this.”

Me: “What?”

Date: “I don’t have my wallet. I think I left it at home.”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Date: “Yeah! Oh. Sorry.” *slides the check to me*

(I look at it and see that our four rolls of sushi and a bottle of wine are nearly $100! I try not to react but I’m in shock. I put down my card and we wait for the receipt.)

Me: “Wow. This place is fancy, huh?”

Date: “Yeah. The best of everything!”

Me: *tight smile* “Mmhmm.”

(We ride home in awkward silence. On the way, he pulls into a gas station, parks in a spot, and hops out. Confused, I sit there waiting. A few minutes later, he comes back out and pulls a new pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.)

Me: “Um… So… You found your wallet?”

Date: *lighting up* “Huh? Oh! Yeah, I guess so.”

Me: “So, where was it?”

Date: “In my coat pocket! Crazy, huh?”

Me: “Yeah. Crazy.”

(When we got back to my house, he leaned in for a kiss but I declined and jumped out. The next day, he sent me a text saying he didn’t think it would work out between us because I was just too uptight and he didn’t think I could carry on a stimulating conversation with him. What a loss.)

This Had Better Not Be Their Only Birth Control Method

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Family & Kids, Health & Body, home, Silly, USA | | Romantic | June 17, 2019


(My boyfriend and I have been together for five years, and we both chose independently before we even met that neither of us wants biological children. I recently started a new job, and out of about 90 employees I am one of two that has no children, and three of my coworkers are actively pregnant. After I’ve been there for a month, we hire another person who is pregnant. I tell my boyfriend about the new hire after her first day.)

Me: “We got someone new today, [New Coworker].”

Boyfriend: “Oh, neat. How is she?”

Me: “She’s so nice! And heavily pregnant.”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “Not regularly pregnant? She’s ‘heavily’ pregnant, specifically?”

Me: *laughs* “Very specifically. She’s due on [date about two months ahead]. But she has a small frame, so she looks huge.”

Boyfriend: “Didn’t you say someone else has that due date, too?”

Me: “Yup! [Coworker #1 ]. And [Coworker #2 ] just went on maternity; her baby is due this weekend. Plus, [Coworker #3 ] is gonna pop in the next couple of weeks. I’m surprised she hasn’t left already.”

Boyfriend: “Jesus, that’s so many pregnant people in one spot.”

Me: *in a goofy “spooky” voice* “They’re communicating… and gathering.”

(He gives me a funny look at this point, so I say:)

Me: “What? What’s that face for?”

Boyfriend: “Don’t get any big ideas, now.”

Me: *pointing to my head* “Hey, it’s not this part of me that you need to tell that to! You need to tell this* part of me!” *pointing at my lower tummy*

(He bends over and puts his ear to my stomach, and pokes me.)

Boyfriend: “Don’t go getting any big, hormonal ideas!”

Me: “You know, it does take at least two people to make a pregnancy happen; don’t put all this on me.”

(He thinks for a second, and then pulls back and points accusingly at his own groin.)

Boyfriend: “Don’t you dare to get any big ideas, mister!”

[The Title-Writer Is Taking A Pizza-Rito Break; Back In Five]

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Food & Drink, Pizza, Silly, USA | | Romantic | June 16, 2019


(My boyfriend and I share a tight pod of friends with whom we play D&D and board games once or twice a week. Before we start gaming, we usually go out to dinner, and one of our favorite restaurants is a line-style “build-your-own-pizza” place that makes individually-sized custom pizzas. One of our friends is the guy who’s always carrying something random for whatever reason; in this case, it’s a pack of flour tortillas.)

Boyfriend: *takes a bite of his pizza, a clump of toppings slide off* “I’m really loving the choices I made tonight; I just wish they would stay on the actual pizza.”

Me: “You should put one of [Friend]’s tortillas on the plate so the toppings fall into the tortilla, and then you’ll have a pizza-rito after you finish the pizza.”

Boyfriend: *head snapping up to stare at me for a moment* “YOU BRILLIANT, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!” *to [Friend]* “You see why I wanna marry her, right?!”

Friend: *laughing* “So, you want a tortilla?”

([Boyfriend] gave me a huge kiss on the cheek and took a tortilla. Turns out, pizza-ritos are awesome!)

“D***, Jackie, I Can’t Control The Weather!”

Dating, Extra Stupid, Flirting, Outdoors, Texas, USA | | Romantic | June 15, 2019


(When my parents are dating, my dad is very shy about trying to “make a move,” so my mom tries to hurry things along. She convinces him to go outside and look at the full moon on a cold night.)

Mom: “My hands are cold.” *moves closer to my dad*

Dad: “Why don’t you put your hands in your pocket?”

(They eventually got it together and have been married for 46 years. So, when I started dating a guy I really liked, one of our early dates was to a football game that was really cold. He had also been shy about “making a move,” so I tried moving closer and saying that I was cold. He got up and went to the concession stand for hot chocolate. We’ve been married for three years

He Was In Arizona All Along

Arizona, Awesome, Great Stuff, Mall, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | | Romantic | June 14, 2019


(While we’re at the mall, I sit down at a table to take a break while my wife wanders off to look in [National Candle Store Chain]. When she comes back, she is grinning and can barely contain her laughter.)

Me: “What are you laughing at?”

Wife: “Well, I saw a post on the Internet about a specific candle scent. Apparently, someone claimed it smelled like the perfect man. The post has a lot of replies with variations on the theme of, ‘I went and smelled it, and you were right; it is the scent of the perfect man!’ So, I was curious and had to go smell it myself.”

Me: “And? What did it smell like?”

Wife: “You!”

Me: *confused* “What?”

Wife: “It is the same scent as your body wash!”

(I don’t mean to brag, but… I have multiple people on the Internet claiming that I’m the perfect man. I still tease my wife about this.)

A Short-Lived Romance

Bizarre, Canada, Extra Stupid, home, Montreal, Quebec, Roommates | | Romantic | June 13, 2019


(This story happened to my father in the 70s, before cellphones and Internet. While going to university, he lived with three roommates; the first two were fairly regular guys, but the third one, well… He was a weird, eccentric guy, and a bit of an idiot. One night, my father and the weird roommate are the only ones at the apartment. My father comes out of his room to go to the kitchen and sees that the roommate is on the phone.)

Roommate: “Hi, can I speak to [Name]?” *pause* “A wrong number? Didn’t I call [Number]?”

(My father thinks nothing of it and goes back to his room. A few minutes later, he hears guitar playing and singing, so he goes to investigate. He comes out of his room and sees his roommate sitting on a bench, playing guitar, and singing with the phone lying on the counter, pointing towards him. Then, after two or three minutes of this, the roommate picks up the phone and talks a bit with the person on the other side, wishes them farewell, and hangs up.)

Father: “What was that all about? Why the heck were you playing guitar on a phone call?”

Roommate: “Oh, yeah! Funny story. I dialed the wrong number, and then I chatted a bit with the girl who answered the phone. We’re about the same age, and I asked her if she knew [Artist], and then I offered to sing one of their songs.”

Father: *incredulous* “And she said yes?”

Roommate: “Yes, of course! So, I sang to her, and she said she liked it.”

(My father starts thinking, “I can’t believe he actually found someone as crazy as himself!”)

Father: “So, when will you see her?”

Roommate: “What do you mean?”

Father: “Dude, if she lets you sing to her after you called a wrong number, surely she’s interested in you. Didn’t you ask for her number?”

Roommate: “Oh, I didn’t think about that.”

(And that’s how that weird roommate finally realized that he had managed to charm a complete stranger on a wrong phone number call, and ultimately screwed it up because he was so oblivious.)

That Relationship Was Over In A Flash

Bad Behavior, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, College & University, Dorm, Fights/Breakups, Great Stuff, Non-Dialogue, Rude & Risque, USA | | Romantic | June 12, 2019


A boy I dated in college thought it was great fun to try to get girls to flash him while he and his friends were driving down the highway. He never did it while I was in the car because that was disrespectful to me. But when he was with his buddies, it was okay because that’s what boys do. I tried to explain that it really wasn’t acceptable behavior, but he brushed me off. (Yes, I know, I should have dumped him right there, but I was young and dumb.)

The day after this conversation, he came to my dorm room to study before going out with his buddies. I asked if he intended to play this flash game again, to which he angrily replied that it wasn’t a big deal and I was overreacting. To quote him, “Tits are tits. You have them. So what?”

His friends arrived and crowded into my room, ready to go on their adventure. Before they left, I asked for everyone’s attention and lifted my shirt, showing my breasts to my boyfriend and all of his friends.

They cheered and clapped. He was livid. How could I do something so trashy? Why was I being such a w****? Did I want to bang all of his friends? What was wrong with me?

I stood there calmly waiting for him to run out of air before I replied, “So, you can look at other girls, but other guys can’t look at me?”

He gaped like a fish out of water while his friends stood there in awkward silence. I told him if he thought his game was acceptable, I was going to continue showing off my body to anyone who asked. He stormed out without saying another word.

When he returned that evening, he said he was willing to forgive me if I promised to never act like that again. I shut the door in his face.

Thor, Loki, and Jane Foster Walk Into A Furniture Store…

home, Math & Science, Spouses & Partners, USA | | Romantic | June 11, 2019


(My husband and I are following a set of instructions that include the phrase, “Press gently, but very firmly.” We are getting frustrated by the fact that, a) it doesn’t seem to be doing much, and b) they haven’t elaborated more on HOW gently, HOW firmly, etc. It should be noted that my husband is a mechanical engineer.)

Husband: “Just how firmly do they mean?”

Me: *somewhat snarky* “’Press gently, but with a force of however many PSI…’”

(PSI stands for “Pounds per Square Inch.”)

Husband: “No, PSI would be too large for something this small. I don’t have anywhere near an inch to push on here.”

Me: “Okay… How about PS-half-inch? PS-quarter-inch?”

Husband: “That’s not going to work, either. You probably need something in metric measurements. They scale down more easily.”

Me: *a bit snarky again* “Okay, fine. PSCM? Pounds per square centimeter?”

(My husband got a horrified look on his face and told me this was why I was not an engineer. Apparently, one cannot mix metric and imperial units quite as easily as I thought. I assumed that there would be an equation that could calculate it, but apparently, such an equation would be a massive pain to work with.)

This Relationship Sounds Exhausting But Really Sweet

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Great Stuff, Gym, Long Distance, Non-Dialogue, Texas, USA | | Romantic | June 10, 2019


A friend of mine is in a long-distance relationship. They are both extremely athletic and competitive. A local gym holds a 1-2-3-4 challenge each year. You swim one mile, run two miles, bike three miles, and then do a series of four exercises: 100 pushups, 100 situps, 100 pullups, and 100 squats. It’s a charity event, people can compete in teams or individually, and a lot of people dress up.

My friend and his girlfriend often exercise “together” by video chatting from their home gyms while working out, using Bluetooth headsets to call while running, and sharing their Fitbit data, etc. She says she’ll do the challenge “with him.”

Come the day of the challenge, my friend is frustrated when he can’t get hold of her, but he decides to still go as hard as he can, hoping to be the first to finish/win the challenge.

He ends up coming second to someone dressed as a chicken.

It’s the end of the challenge, and most people are lying around exhausted, my friend included. He’s also super frustrated that he still can’t get a hold of his girlfriend and that not only did he lose, but he lost to a chicken.

He tries calling his girlfriend again, and when he can’t get hold of her, he turns to me and loudly asks, “Why isn’t she answering?!”

At this point, the chicken pulls her head off and answers, “Because I was busy kicking your a**!”

I’ve never seen someone go from exhausted and frustrated to elated so quickly. He jumps up and hugs her, spinning her round.

He then grabs her hand and pulls her out of the gym, and I hear her giggle and say, “Told you I would do the work out with you!”

Attack Of The Snail Spiders

Camp, Pets & Animals, Saint Lucia, Silly, South Africa, Spouses & Partners | | Romantic | June 9, 2019


Me: *screams* “There’s a snail on my side of the tent! Get it off!”

Partner: “Why can’t you just be afraid of spiders like a normal person?”

Me: “Spiders are more common than snails, so you’d have to deal with the screaming girlfriend issue much more frequently.”

Partner: “Good point…”

Bridezilla: The Prequel

Bad Behavior, home, Massachusetts, Non-Dialogue, Spouses & Partners, USA, Wedding | | Romantic | June 6, 2019


My husband had a falling-out with his former best friend after the guy cheated on our other best friend. (She found him in bed with another woman and immediately left him.) Then, the woman he cheated with got pregnant. My husband has described this woman as “crazy,” “abusive,” and “manipulative.” He’s 99% sure she got pregnant just to keep her boyfriend from leaving. She drank alcohol during her pregnancy, and was seen in public with her baby, clearly under the influence.

At one point, she threw something heavy at her boyfriend’s head, giving him a black eye. She’s also a pathological liar, constantly telling everyone that she and her boyfriend got together after he had already broken up with his ex when everyone knows what really happened — the guy admits it.

Now this couple has decided to get married even though the guy clearly doesn’t want to be with her and had tried to get back together with his ex several times.

It’s the day before their wedding, and my husband asks him, “So, are you really going through with it?”

His reply: “Oh, yeah, she’s acting okay now.”

What a touching proclamation of love! Just what every bride wants to hear her husband say!

It’s Not About The F****** Eggs

Bad Behavior, Employees, Spouses & Partners, Tacoma, Taxi, USA, Washington | | Romantic | June 3, 2019


(I live south of an airport that spans two major metropolitan areas. Since I don’t have a car, anytime I need to travel, I’ll take a rideshare up to the airport. It helps if I can split the cost, but on this particular day I call the rideshare by myself and get in alone.)

Driver: “Oh, you’re going to the airport today. Is [Airline] the right stop? Where are you flying?”

Me: “Yeah, [Airline]’s the right one. I’m just going back home for the holidays to visit my family.”

Driver: “How horrible. My wife makes me visit her family all the time.”

Me: “I don’t really mind it, actually. I haven’t seen them in a while since we live in different states, so it’ll be nice to visit with them again.”

Driver: “Right. Whatever. I just hate when she makes me do stuff like that.”

Me: “Yeah… families can be a lot, I guess.”

(I’m uncomfortable with the turn the conversation has taken, so I pretend to be on my phone for a bit. Fortunately, the car isn’t silent, since the driver has the radio on. Unfortunately, after about five minutes he turns up the volume — way up. It’s heavy metal music, and the lyrics are both sexually explicit and profane. I’m trying my best to ignore it when the music is cut off by a shrill ringing. The driver swears, almost swerves into another lane, and then presses a button on his phone. It’s not a call; he’s FaceTiming someone with his phone volume all the way up. He doesn’t turn the music down, either, so when he starts talking he’s practically screaming.)

Driver: “Hey, honey!”

Driver’s Wife: “Where are you? I thought that was your last ride?”

Driver: “Yeah, I’m just going to the airport.”

Driver’s Wife: “What?! The airport?! But you still need to get groceries!”

Driver: “I THOUGHT YOU WERE GETTING THEM!”

Driver’s Wife: “No, you moron. I’m picking up the f****** kids!”

Driver: “Well, you didn’t tell me not to go to the airport!”

Driver’s Wife: “I didn’t think I needed to tell you not to go all the way up to f****** Seattle. My parents are coming tonight, you f****** moron, and we’re all out of f****** eggs!”

Driver: “Well, I’m already driving there, so you can’t f****** expect me to just dump my passenger by the side of the road or something, you stupid b****! You should’ve told me this morning!”

Driver’s Wife: “Told you?! Told you?! Are you a grown-a** man, or are you a f****** child?!”

(The driver is gesticulating angrily by this point, swerving all over the place, and nearly hitting several other cars. He continues arguing with his wife for another twenty minutes or so, both of their voices steadily increasing in pitch as the conversation goes on.)

Driver: WHO THE F*** DO YOU THINK GIVES YOU THE MONEY FOR YOUR F****** EGGS, YOU GREEDY B****?!”

Driver’s Wife: “You?! Give me money?! You useless, unemployed son-of-a-b****! You can’t even afford–“

(By coincidence, my phone dings, and the wife goes quiet… for all of two seconds.)

Driver’s Wife: “Do you have a f****** passenger in there?! Am I on speaker?!”

Driver: “Uh… oh, here, um, your gate—“

(He swung across three lanes of traffic, pulling to the curb in front of a completely different airline than the one I was flying with. He pressed the button to unlock my door and waved at me to get out. I got out by myself, pulled my own bags out of the trunk, and nearly got hit when he tore away. And the whole time, from just outside the car, I could still hear both his music and his wife’s screeching in crystal-clear sound. Oh, and since the airline he’d dropped me off at was on the completely wrong side of the airport, I ended up missing my flight. But hey… at least his wife got her f****** eggs.)

The Volvo Auto Shop Is Getting A Lot Of Weird Questions Lately

British Columbia, Canada, Health & Body, home, Spouses & Partners | | Romantic | May 29, 2019


(I’m reading a health magazine while my husband and I are eating breakfast.)

Me: *reading from magazine* “Who can you ask if you have questions about the care of your vulva?”

Husband: “A vulva mechanic?”

Mating Fall

Florida, home, Revolting, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | | Romantic | May 22, 2019


(My husband and I are relaxing one evening on the couch, chit-chatting here and there. Then, suddenly, I let out an impressive — no less than five seconds — belch. My husband gives me a look, trying not to laugh.)

Me: *without missing a beat* “It’s my mating call.”

Husband: *bursts out laughing*

Me: *laughs with him* “Answer me, d*** it!”

Husband: *lets out the most pathetic little burp*

Me: “You’re lucky your plumage is acceptable.”

It’s Still In The Car Somewhere… Breeding

Bad Behavior, Car, Engaged, Non-Dialogue, USA | | Romantic | May 18, 2019


My fiancé and I are traveling across the country. It is nighttime and I am driving down the interstate. My fiancé is dozing in the passenger seat and I have my arm outstretched with my hand on his knee and the air blowing directly on me. I have fairly long hair and it tends to get everywhere.

I began feeling a tickling sensation along my arm and figured it was a hair, so I pulled my hand back and tried to pull the hair away so it wasn’t bothering me. This happened a few more times before I managed to find the culprit: a daddy long legs spider. I screamed, threw the spider — at my poor fiancé — and jerked the wheel a bit. He, in turn, got angry with me until I started asking him to make sure the spider was dead, and he told me it was and that it had ended up in the backseat. We continued on our trip and had a great time together.

However, a few weeks later I asked him about it again and he told me that he had no clue where the spider had gone and he had just wanted me to not kill us due to freaking out over a spider. It still makes me shudder more than six months later.

Frozen In Your Stubbornness

Car, Florida, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA, Weather | | Romantic | May 16, 2019


(I drive my partner to and from work so I can have the car all day. Our car doesn’t have a roof, so it can get pretty cold when it’s windy. This is fine in the summer. When autumn rolls around, however…)

Me: “Do you want to take a jacket?”

Partner: “Nah. It’s only a 15-minute ride. I’ll be fine.”

(My partner is shivering by the time we get there. Nine hours later…)

Me: *on the phone* “I can bring you a jacket.”

Partner: “Nope!”

Me: “It’s evening. It’s going to be much colder.”

Partner: “I’m fine!”

(My partner shivers the whole way and wraps up in a blanket when we get home. I eventually stop asking; I figured my partner will break faster if it isn’t “my” idea to bring a jacket. Two weeks later…)

Partner: “Oh, and don’t let me forget to grab a jacket!”

Me: “I thought you said it wasn’t needed for a 15-minute ride?”

Partner: *sheepish* “I… may have been a bit stubborn…”

Me: *hugs* “I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself now. I don’t nag because I hate you, you know. It’s not a contest.”

Partner: “I know…”

Good Looks But Terrible Memory

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Chicago, Health & Body, Hospital, USA | | Romantic | May 14, 2019


(My boyfriend hits his head and concusses himself in mysterious circumstances. He was housesitting alone; later sleuthing led me to the conclusion that he fainted, which he’s prone to occasionally, and hit his lower forehead directly on the edge of a high counter. His nose is also broken. I sit in the emergency room with him as he’s given care. He’s lost his memory temporarily and every few minutes he starts wondering anew why he’s there.)

Boyfriend: “What’s… What’s happening? Where are we?”

Me: “At the emergency room at [Hospital], love. You hit your head and you have a concussion. We don’t know just how it happened.”

Boyfriend: “Oh… Wow. My nose hurts.”

Me: “Yeah, you broke your nose, as well.”

Boyfriend: *with a rueful grin* “Oh, no! My classic good looks!”

(Five minutes later he gets confused again, starts asking again, I explain the concussion, we don’t know what happened, the broken nose…)

Boyfriend: “Oh, no! My classic good looks!”

(This repeated, I kid you not, at least 25 times. We’ve now been married 12 years. How could I resist? He has a sense of humor AND classic good looks!)

Good Thing They Caught Each Other, Part 23

College & University, Dorm | ON, Canada | Romantic | April 15, 2016


(My boyfriend and I are working on our respective papers in one of our school’s quiet study rooms. This is at a point where he is very absorbed in his work. He knows I’m an avid Pokémon fan.)

Me: “I love you!”

Boyfriend: “Ditto.”

Me: “…That’s a Pokémon, darlin’.”

Boyfriend: *pauses, then laughs* “I love you, too.”

Me: “That’s better.”

Good Thing They Caught Each Other, Part 24

home | Annapolis, MD, USA | Romantic | May 16, 2016


(I have been dating a girl, and we really like each other. As my best friend has just gotten engaged, I have had some idle thoughts on the matter, which I am relaying to my best friend. My girlfriend, my best friend, and I are all avid Pokémon fans.)

Me: “So you know how my ‘spirit Pokémon’ is a Mew? Well, [Girlfriend]’s is a Growlithe. Which made me think one day, if ever it got to that point. If ever I do propose, I won’t be using a normal diamond ring or anything. I’ll use a Fire Opal in the ring. So it’s a Fire Stone.”

Friend: “Oh, my god! You’re hopeless!”

Me: “Thank you.”

Good Thing They Caught Each Other, Part 25

home | Kitchener, ON, Canada | Romantic | June 14, 2016


(I have just come home from an annual anime convention that I’ve been attending for eight years, and my boyfriend has come over to see me and join my family for dinner. I’ve always been an avid Pokémon fan, while he’s not. We have a running joke where I tell him I’m going to convert him, and he tells me that he still has his soul.)

Me: *showing him everything I bought at the convention* “Look! I got a shiny Ditto plushie!”

Boyfriend: “Ditto?”

Me: “SHINY Ditto! You know how rare that is?”

Boyfriend: *takes plushie* “THIS is a Pokémon?”

Me: “Yes! That’s Ditto! It’s usually pink, but the shiny version is blue. You know your chance of encountering a shiny is 1 in 8192! So it’s super rare!”

Boyfriend: “Babe…. You’re geeking out over a shiny dildo?”

Me: *laughing* “Woah, woah, woah! [Boyfriend]!”

Boyfriend: *sputtering* “Ditto! I meant Ditto!”

Dad: *off to the side, cracking up, laughing to himself*

Me: *teasing* “I know you don’t like Pokémon, but really?!”

Boyfriend: “I- I don’t know why I just said that…”

Dad: “I bet Freud could tell you!”

Good Thing They Caught Each Other, Part 26

home, Illinois, Plainfield, Pokemon, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | | Romantic | May 12, 2019


(I’m in bed with my husband watching YouTube. I just showed him a story on Not Always Romantic where a husband calls his wife’s butt “Jigglypuff.”)

Me: “This story reminds me of you.”

Husband: *reads it* “Huh.”

Me: “If you ever call my butt that, I’ll end you.”

Husband: “No, yours is more like Wigglytuff.”

Me: *glaring* “Why?”

Husband: “Because it wiggles and instead of a butt, it’s tuff.”

Me: *glares*

Husband: “…”

Me: *keeps glaring*

Husband: “Wait! I got it, Big Red! Because it’s big and gets red when I smack it!”

Me: “Why did I marry you?”