The Uterus Knows All
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA, UTAH | HEALTHY | JANUARY 27, 2021
When I was pregnant with my first child, I 100% knew that it was a girl, and she was, but had no idea with my second baby, who happened to be a boy. When I got pregnant with my third child, I was once again sure that it was a girl. We are living in a different city so this is my first experience with this particular doctor.

We go in to check for the baby’s sex.

Doctor: “Are we hoping for a girl or for a boy?”

Me: “I know this baby is a girl.”

Doctor: “Congratulation s! It’s a boy!”

Me: “Nope.”

Doctor: “Um, what?”

Me: “I know that this is a girl.”

Doctor: “Noooo… it’s a boy. You can see why right here.”

Me: “No. It’s for sure a girl.”

The doctor has clearly never been in this situation before.

Doctor: “Um, well, I guess that could be the umbilical cord but I’m 97% sure that it isn’t.”

Me: “I’m sorry to challenge you, but I seriously know that this baby is a girl.”

Doctor: *Grumbling* “I guess we can wait a few weeks and do another ultrasound. But it will be a waste of time, for you and me.”

Me: “Let’s do that.”

Two weeks later, we went back and did another ultrasound. It was a girl. We didn’t use him for delivery. I couldn’t use a doctor who wouldn’t at least entertain the possibility that I was right.

I’ll Have Whatever He Had
BAR, BIZARRE, UK | RIGHT | MARCH 6, 2008
(A VERY drunk WHITE guy comes in five minutes before closing time.)

White Guy: “F*** you! You’re not going to serve me are you?”

Me: “Nope, sorry, we’re just closing.”

White Guy: “Awww, go on, please… just a quick pint!”

Me: “No, we’re closing.”

White Guy: “F*** you, is it because I’m black?”

Me: “…Yes.”

Not The Sharpest Bigot
RETAIL | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 13, 2012
(I’m walking around the store seeing if any shoppers need help.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir, are you finding everything all right today?”

Customer: *turning* “Oh, what the f*** is this?”

Me: “Um… what is what?”

Customer: “I haven’t been helped by a single American since I got here. Are you people even hiring whites?”

(Our town has a regrettably accurate reputation for being somewhat racist. Customers often ignore non-white employees or refuse their aid. I’m of Indian descent, but was born and raised a few miles away in Phoenix.)

Me: “Sir, all our employees are American citizens. If you don’t need help, though, I’ll just go.”

Customer: “Hang on, where’s your manager’s office?”

(I point.)

Customer: “Good!”

(Without warning, he grabs my arm and drags me forcefully to the office. He pushes it open without knocking.)

Customer: “You need to arrest this man! He’s an illegal!”

(My manager turns in her chair. She’s got light brown skin, and is often mistaken for Hispanic.)

Manager: “Sir, I know for a fact [my name] is a citizen. And you need to take your hands off him right now.”

Customer: *not letting go* “Oh my God! They’ve got a Mexican in charge. No wonder you don’t hire whites!”

Manager: “Sir, more than half of my employees are white. Now let [my name] go or I will call the police.”

Customer: “Are you threatening me? I’m a real American, you can’t threaten me!”

(At this he pulls out a Swiss Army knife and points it at her.)

Manager: “No, I’m not. Would you like me to?”

(Without warning, she draws a knife of her own from nowhere and slams it point-first into the desk.)

Manager: “That’s one. I’m carrying nine. Let him go.”

(The customer goes pale and releases both my arm and the knife.)

Manager: “Thank you.”

(Instead of letting him go, my manager locked him in the office and called the police, who came and arrested him for assault and threatening with a weapon. As they were leading him out, my manager stopped him for a moment.)

Manager: “And by the way, I’m not Hispanic, I’m Romani. If you’re going to be a racist, at least learn the difference.”

A Hazy Legal Maze
AT THE CHECKOUT, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, GROCERY STORE, UNDERAGED, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 18, 2009
Customer: “What cigarettes would you recommend?”

Me: “I’m actually only 16. I don’t smoke.”

Customer: “Oh.. Well, then, which cigars are your favorite?”

Me: “I’m only 16. I don’t smoke.”

Customer: “Okay, then. Do you sell marijuana?”

Me: “That’s actually illegal.”

Customer: “What? When did that happen?”

Came To Within An Inch Of Getting It Right
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | MARCH 6, 2014
(After working late shifts at the local discount retailer, I pull into a fast-food drive thru.)

Drive Thru Worker: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. May I take your order?”

Me: “Hi, I’d like a six-inch nugget, please.”

(There are a couple seconds of silence, and then I hear the speaker turn on and I hear some laughter and giggles in the background.)

Drive Thru Worker: *barely able to speak without giggling* “Uh… Could you repeat your order?”

Me: “I’d like a six-inch nug— OH, MY GOD! No! I want a SIX-PIECE nugget!”

(I complete my order and pull around to see the worker and two of his coworkers red-faced and trying to contain their laughter. In the mean time, I’m no better; my face was red with embarrassment. I pay and get my food, and I couldn’t have gotten out of that queue fast enough! I guess I subconsciously wanted to go to the sub shop that night.)

Snacking On A Bad Attitude
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | MARCH 19, 2015
(I work in a busy branch of a fast food place. When customers order burgers, it’s store policy to ask if they would like it as part of a deal, which is cheaper than if the food in the meal was purchased separately.)

Me: “Hello, sir, what can I get you?”

Customer: *giving me a somewhat disdainful look* “I want a [Burger] with fries and a large [Soda].”

Me: “Would you like that as part of a meal or are you buying them separately?”

Customer: *visibly annoyed, and still glaring at me* “No, I’m having them as a snack.”

(I laugh politely, thinking that he was trying to be funny.)

Me: *smiling on the outside, dying on the inside* “Is that a large meal or are you buying them separately?”

Customer: “I already told you, I’m having them as a snack.”

(I look at my supervisor like a deer in headlights. She takes over.)

Supervisor: “Sir, are you having your order as a meal or are you buying each item separately?”

Customer: *growing quite rude and ill-tempered now* “I’ve already told him that I want them as a snack. Doesn’t he understand simple instructions?”

(My supervisor is quite protective of her trainees. I know that the look in her eyes means she wants blood, but she remains calm and collected.)

Supervisor: *trying to remain polite* “We don’t sell meals as “snacks,” sir. Are you buying it for yourself or—”

Customer: *almost shouting* “Of course I am. Now get me my large [Burger] with fries and a [Soda]!”

Supervisor: *faces me and tells me to get his food prepared* “I’m ringing that up as a meal deal, sir. That’ll be £5.45, please.”

(Customer begrudgingly slams a £10 note on the counter and gives me a scathing glare as I hand him his food in a bag and he leaves the store in a huff. My supervisor realises something.)

Supervisor: “Did he want his meal to-go?”

Me: “No clue. But I did.”

Earmark That Sound Advice
DEPARTMENT STORE | RIGHT | JANUARY 24, 2013
(I’m doing a sales pitch to my customers, a husband and wife, and they’re really getting interested. We’re going round all the products. There is good banter going on, jokes etc. However, out of nowhere, an old lady barges between them and grabs my ear.)

Old Lady: “I have been asking you where the toilets are!”

Me: “Please let go of my ear!”

Old Lady: “It’s rude to disrespect your elders! Where are the toilets?!”

Husband: *knocks the old lady’s hand away from my ear*

Old Lady: *to the man* “You assaulted me!”

Husband: “You have no case, and I didn’t hear you asking this young lady about the loos. My wife and I have been talking to her for at least ten minutes.”

Old Lady: “Of course I have a case! You hit me! She saw it!” *points to me*

Husband: “She has a better case against you for assault.”

Old Lady: “No she does not!”

(The husband calmly pulls out a business card and hands it to me.)

Husband: *to me* “I’ll gladly take her to court for you for free.”

(Reading the card I see his name, followed by ‘Head of Legal Advice for [company]’.)

Me: “Thank you!” *to the old lady* “The loos are down that way on the left; follow the signs.”

(I am rubbing ear as the old lady walks off, sulking. I turn to the couple.)

Me: “I’m so sorry about that.”

Husband: “No need. Anyway, keep the card, just in case!”

A Bozo By Any Other Name
BAD BEHAVIOR, FUNNY, FUNNY NAMES, OFFICE, USA | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 19, 2008
Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

(The client looks at name on desk; my name’s Hattie.)

Client: “Your name is so stupid.”

Me: “Sorry, sir. I can’t help that. It’s not so bad. ”

Client: “Your parents must really hate you.”

Me: “No, I’m sure they don’t. How can I help?”

Client: “I want to check my registration. Name’s Horace Gumptin.”

Me: *stifles giggle*

Client: “Are you laughing at me? Your name rhymes with fattie!”

Hard Of Hearing For Hard Customers
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | OCTOBER 22, 2014
(I’m deaf in one ear and hard of hearing in the other. Since I’ve been like this all my life, I’ve learned to adjust as well as I could. I have a habit of tilting my head and leaning in with my good ear. Most people don’t say anything or don’t even notice. I was serving this customer when this happened.)

Me: “Welcome to [Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want a…” *mumbles while looking down*

Me: “I’m so sorry. I didn’t catch that.”

Customer: *looks annoyed and mumbles it again*

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. I’m hard of hearing, and I just can’t catch what you’re saying. Would you speak up just a bit, again I’m sorry.”

(She finally looks up and rolls her eyes.)

Customer: “What, they actually hire you people now?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “If you can’t hear like a normal person then you shouldn’t be working!”

Me: *starting to get upset* “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I like working, and since I can work, I’d rather do that than go on disability.”

Customer: “Well since you can work just soooo well, then I guess you heard my order. And I’m not repeating it.”

Me: “I didn’t hear it ma’am, and I don’t really want to just take a guess at your order.”

Customer: *very loudly* “Then get me another server, you freak!”

(Luckily my manager overheard and escorted her out, telling her not to come back. Thankfully, most people are actually really nice about it, and will just speak up.)

Changing His Tune
RADIO STATION | RIGHT | JULY 25, 2013
(I work at a radio station. I answer a call.)

Caller: “Yeah, what’s this song you’re playing right now?”

Me: “Why, it’s [name and title of song].”

Caller: “Well, whatever it is, it’s bull-s***! I can’t believe you’d allow such a s*** song on the air. YOU SUCK AT YOUR JOB!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, sir.”

Caller: “Well, there’s only one way you can fix this. Play Kick Start My Heart by Motley Crue.”

Me: “I can’t do that, sir. We don’t have that song.”

Caller: “WHY THE F*** NOT?”

Me: “We’re not a classic rock station, sir. As such, our selection of classic rock is rather limited.”

Caller: “Look, I’m the voice of the people! And the people have decided that you suck, and the music you play sucks. So PLAY MY SONG!”

Me: “As I said, sir, I can’t do that, because we don’t have it. The best I can do is pass that suggestion along to my boss, and if he agrees with you, we’ll get it. Perhaps you’d like to talk to my boss directly about this? I can transfer your call—”

Caller: “SO YOU WANT ME TO DO YOUR JOB FOR YOU? JUST PLAY MY F****** SONG!”

(He proceeds to call me and my station a variety of names until I get tired of him and hang up. This goes on twice a day for about a month. Every time one of the popular female artists of today comes on, he’ll call me up, cuss me out, and demand to hear ‘Kick Start My Heart.’ One day, the only Motley Crue song in our library, ‘Girls, Girls, Girls,’ comes up in the playlist. I play it, and he calls.)

Caller: “So you finally decided to f****** listing to me and get Motley Crue. NOW PLAY KICK START MY HEART!”

Me: “I can’t do that, sir. We don’t have it.”

Caller: “I know you have Kick Start My Heart!”

Me: “What makes you think that?”

Caller: “Because you’re playing Girls, Girls, Girls! It’s on the same album! So if you have Girls, Girls, Girls, you’ve got to have Kick Start My Heart!”

Me: “Sir, I took your concerns to my boss. I told him that the people were demanding that we add Kick Start My Heart to our library. After a lengthy exchange, he decided the only Motley Crue song I could have is the radio single of Girls, Girls, Girls.”

(There is a lengthy silence from the other end of the line. Finally, he speaks, but instead of cussing me out, he has turned into an incredibly polite person.)

Caller: “Oh, I didn’t know that. In all that time, you were actually listening to me, and taking my concerns. Hey, you did your best and thanks for that. By the way, love your station and love your show. Keep up the good work!

Delay Reaction
AT THE CHECKOUT, EDITORS' CHOICE, GROCERY STORE, KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI, USA | WORKING | FEBRUARY 14, 2014
(My mom and I are in line at the checkout. The manager walks over and tells the cashier it is time for her to go home after she is done helping us. We chose this register because my mom really likes this particular cashier.)

Me: “So, you get to go home early tonight? That must be nice.”

Cashier: *quietly, so the manager, now standing by door, does not hear* “It would be if it only happened once in a while. He’s cut me at least fifteen minutes early every shift for over two weeks.”

Mom: “We can be really difficult so you’ll have to stay and help us.” *louder, so manager can hear* “[My Name], is that the price you remember seeing for [item]? I was sure it was less than that.”

Me: *catching on* “It must have been. I think we need a price check.”

Mom: *after price check confirms item is right price* “Oh, and could you please slow down on the bagging? I don’t want anything smashed or broken.”

(My mom continues to delay, insisting the cashier stop several times to read the total to her or double check something. Then, she pretends she cannot find her debit card and takes her time entering her PIN.)

Mom: “Has it been long enough yet?”

Cashier: “I think so. Thank you.”

Me: “Okay, mama. I think we should go now.”

(We walk toward the door, and my mom turns back toward the cashier.)

Mom: “Thank you, ma’am! You were so helpful!”

Me: *smiling at manager* “Good night!”

Stupidity Makes A Good Case
CALL CENTER, MONEY, STUPID, TECHNOLOGY | RIGHT | JULY 12, 2010
Customer: “I received a cell phone case in the mail today. You sent the wrong item.”

Me: “It looks like you ordered a neon green silicone case for 50 cents and shipping was $2.00. What did you receive?”

Customer: “A bright green phone case.”

Me: “What is the problem with it?”

Customer: “So the $2.50 wasn’t for a phone?”

Thank You For Calling The North Pole
CALL CENTER | RIGHT | DECEMBER 22, 2014
Me: “Good evening. You’re through to [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I mean it. It’s really him!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “It’s really Santa Claus!”

(I now realize the customer is speaking to someone on his end. I hear gasping on his end.)

Me: “Sir, did you redial this number by accident?”

Customer: *still talking to his child* “Yes, yes, Santa. Jack is being naughty.”

Me: “Put me on speaker.”

Customer: “Jack, Santa wants to talk to you.”

(Puts me on speaker.)

Me: *in my best Santa voice* “Ho ho ho, Jack, you be good now so your Dad will let me bring lots of presents to you this year.”

Tiny Voice: “Yes, Santa, I promise.”

(Clicks off speaker.)

Customer: “Thanks for that. Couldn’t get him to go to bed.”

Me: “No problem. Merry Christmas.”

Disrespect Can Be Infectious
RETAIL | RIGHT | OCTOBER 8, 2012
(A customer approaches my register and drops her items on the counter in two separate piles without acknowledging me or diverting attention from her cellphone. There is a line forming as there is only one cash register. Note: I work part-time here; my other job is at a pharmacy.)

Me: “Did you find everything all right today?”

Customer: *to her phone* “So, I went to the doctor and he prescribed me zithromyacin…”

Me: “Okay, were you going with all of these today or is this pile here to go back?”

Customer: *to her phone* “Well, I didn’t want to spend money on another prescription, so I just took some Diflucan I had at home.”

Me: “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I need to know what you plan to purchase before I can ring you up.”

Customer: *to her phone* “That should be okay, right? I mean, I don’t even know what Diflucan is, but I figured it was stupid to spend more money on pills.”

Me: “So, should I go ahead and ring these?

Customer: *to her phone* “I mean, what is Diflucan anyway?”

Me: *a bit loudly* “DIFLUCAN is most frequently prescribed for YEAST INFECTIONS. Were you ready to check out or would you like to step into a more private area to finish your call?”

Customer: “Okay, these are the items what I wanted to purchase!” *pays and quickly leaves, embarrassed*

Taste Of Your Own Fast Acting Medicine
FAST FOOD | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 6, 2015
Customer: “I want a number-one-medium-with-a-coke-and-a-large-frosty-with-a-kids-meal-chicken-nuggets-and-apple-slices-and-orange-juice—”

Me: “M—”

Customer: “—also-a-number-seven-with-a-diet-coke-large-and-an-apple-salad.”

(Fortunately I am able to type all of that in and keep up with her despite that and speak it back to her just as fast as she had said it.)

Me: Okay…so you want a number-one-medium-with-a-coke-and-a-large-frosty-with-a-kids-meal-chicken-nuggets-and-apple-slices-and-orange-juice–also-a-number-seven-with-a-diet-coke-large-and-an-apple-salad?”

Customer: “Wait… what?”

Knocked Down A Few Decks
MILITARY | WORKING | JANUARY 4, 2015
(I am walking into work one day wearing a T-shirt with Optimus Prime brandishing a gun on the front. The following happens as I cross the quarterdeck to get onto my ship.)

Officer Of The Deck: “Hey, shipmate. C’mere.”

Me: “Sir?”

Officer Of The Deck: “Shipmate, to you really think that shirt is appropriate?”

Me: “I don’t follow, sir.”

Officer Of The Deck: *condescending* “It’s got a weapon on it. Do you think that’s appropriate for a sailor to wear in public?”

Me: “Sir, it’s Optimus Prime. He wrote the book on ‘fighting for what is right.'”

Officer Of The Deck: “And you’re going to tell me that you think violence is the answer?”

Me: *looks around at the Aircraft Carrier we’re standing on* “Sir, if I didn’t believe in fighting tooth, nail, and F-18 jet fighter in what I hold dear, I would have joined the Coast Guard.”

(He scowled and let me on board. One of the security guards nearby overheard me and had to walk away so the Officer of the Deck didn’t see him laughing.)

Script Stupidity
HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY, STUPID, USA | RIGHT | MAY 28, 2009
Customer: *holds up two bottles* “What’s the difference between these two medicines?”

Me: “The one on the left is a capsule; the one on the right is a tablet.”

Customer: “I mean, which one would be better?”

Me: “They’re exactly the same medicine, just in different forms. Most people buy whichever one is easier for them to swallow.”

Customer: “That’s just stupid! How can you swallow a bottle?”

Judge Me Not By The Color Of My Liquor
BAR | RIGHT | DECEMBER 16, 2011
Customer: “Could I have a vodka and lemonade, and a whisky and cola?

Me: “Yes, sir, coming right up!”

(I make the drinks and place them in front of him.)

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “No, thanks, but which one is which?”

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Needs To Switch To… Oh, Wait
BANK | WORKING | APRIL 14, 2013
(I’ve recently reorganized the cabinets in my floor’s coffee area and added big, obvious labels to help people find the kind they want.)

Coworker: “Hey, we’re out of decaf coffee. You really need to keep up with the ordering better.”

Me: “Really? That’s weird; we just got a big order in on Monday. Did you check in the cabinet labeled ‘DECAF COFFEE’?”

Coworker: “There aren’t any labels on those cabinets! You just don’t want to order my coffee!”

Me: “Shall we walk over there together?”

Coworker: “Yes! And you will see that there are no labels and no decaf coffee!”

(We walk to the other side of the floor. I place my finger on the large white label with the large black letters stating “DECAF COFFEE”, then open that cabinet to reveal five boxes of decaf coffee.)

Coworker: “Oh, THERE it is! You really shouldn’t hide things from us like that!”

Me: “I’ll keep that in mind. Enjoy your coffee…”

This Is How Musicals Are Born
HARDWARE STORE | RIGHT | MARCH 10, 2015
(My dad and I go to a hardware store needing eight bags for a gardening project.)

Employee #1 : “Hi, can I help you?”

Dad: “Yeah, we need eight bags of mulch.”

Employee #1 : “How many?”

Dad: “Eight bags.”

Employee #1 : “Eight bags of mulch?”

Dad: “Eight bags of mulch.”

Employee #1 *shouting to Employee #2 * “Eight bags of mulch!”

Employee #2 : “Eight bags of mulch!”

Me: “Eight bags of mulch!”

Customer Behind Me: “Eight bags of mulch!”

(I laugh pretty hard at that. Later on, I’m putting the eighth bag into the trunk.)

Dad: “Wait, why are you putting that bag in there?”

Me: “…Don’t we need eight bags?”

Dad: “Oh, right! Eight bags of mulch!”

Me: “Eight bags of mulch!”

One Size Fits All
AWESOME, CLOTHING STORE | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 20, 2013
(A man comes to the counter and places two dresses on the counter: one sized XS and one sized XXL.)

Me: “Are these dresses both for the same woman?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Oh, okay. These are both very different sizes, so they are not likely to fit the same person. What size does she usually take?”

Customer: “Um… I’m not sure.”

Manager: “Well, does she look more like me or more like her?”

(Note: my manager is quite small, and I am quite big.)

Customer: “Um… uh… I’m sure these will be fine.”

Me: “Sir, because the price is marked down on these dresses they will be Final Sale, so you will not be able to return them if they are not the right size. Are you sure we can’t help you?”

(The customer looks around furtively, then leans in close so that only my manager and I can hear what he is saying.)

Customer: “These dresses are for me, actually.”

(My manager looks at me, and I at her, and then she turns to the customer and speaks a very matter of fact voice.)

Manager: “Why don’t you go try them on, then?”

Customer: “Really? Would that be okay with you?”

Manager: “Of course! Let me get you started with a fitting room.”

(I spent the next hour bringing this man dresses to try on and he had a lovely time! He introduced himself to me and thanked us profusely for being so understanding and helpful. He left with four dresses, all of which fit him to a T, and he came back regularly after that.)

Deaf To Reason, Part 2
RESTAURANT | WORKING | NOVEMBER 10, 2013
(I am 26 years old, and going in a restaurant with my sister. I am also deaf, so she translates for me.)

Me: *signing* “Can I have a [Brand] pizza?”

Sister: “Sure.”

(The waitress comes up, and my sister orders.)

Sister: “Can I have a chocolate milkshake and [Other Brand] pizza? And she’ll have [Brand) pizza.”

Waitress: “Okay.”

(The waitress comes back with our food. My sister soon has to go to the restroom. I am on my own when the waitress comes up. She says something and I try to sign I’m deaf, but she moves her lips again very quickly. I can’t understand what she’s saying.)

Me: *signing* “Stop!”

(What they say next is what the manager and my sister told me. The manager begins coming up from behind the counter.)

Waitress: “Oh, so you’re f****** better than everyone are you? You think you can’t say thank you, can you? You ungrateful little b****! I ought to slap you, you b****!”

Manager: “[Waitress!]”

(She proceeds to raise her fist, and I put my hands up defensively. I am completely surprised.)

Manager: “[Waitress]! Stop that! What’s she done wrong?”

(The waitress turns to the manager.)

Waitress: “I asked her if she was enjoying her meal, and she stared straight ahead! She’s ungrateful! And I bet she won’t pay a tip!”

(My sister comes out the bathroom.)

Sister: “What’s going on?”

Manager: “The waitress was about to attack this woman.”

Sister: “She’s DEAF!”

(My sister signs to me.)

Sister: “It’s okay, [My Name]; everything will be all right.”

Waitress: “Well she should get a hearing aid; not my problem.”

(We never go back there until she moves.)

Miracle On 24th Street
CELLPHONE STORE | RIGHT | MAY 15, 2009
(I had activated a phone for a new customer with a standard two-year agreement. The next day, she comes back into the store, clearly irritated.)

Me: “Hi, welcome back. How is your new phone working?”

Customer: “You messed up my contract. You need to fix it.”

Me: “Okay, what is the problem with your contract?”

Customer: “You said I had a two-year contract, but on this paperwork it says 24 months. You need to fix it.”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s nothing wrong with the contract.”

Customer: “Yes, there is. You said two years and this says 24 months!”

Me: “Ma’am… how many months are in a year?”

Customer: “Twel–oh…well, now I feel stupid!”

A Week Past Due For Some Love And Forgiveness
HOSPITAL | FRIENDLY | APRIL 30, 2015
(I’m visiting my cousin in the hospital, who is 19, pregnant, and is almost a week past her due date. I am allowed by the nurses to take her outside to a small picnic area, where we have lunch. Suddenly, an old man in a wheelchair wheels over. Having worked in food service and dealt with some nasty people, I prepare for the worst.)

Old Man: “When are you due, young lady?”

Cousin: “Oh, I’m almost a week past my due date, which has the doctor concerned.”

Old Man: “Well, I hope the baby turns out to be just as beautiful as you.” *smiles*

Cousin: *blushes and smiles* “Oh, well, thank you, sir. That’s very kind of you.”

Me: *meekly* “I’ll be honest; I thought you were coming over here to scold her.”

Old Man: “Oh, no. I imagine you faced a lot of criticism since it’s fairly obvious you’re younger, but God gave you this baby for a reason, and who am I to denounce Him? The world would be a lot better place if people realized that God is all about love and forgiveness, not hate and punishment.”

(At this point, my cousin was nearly in tears and she hugged him around her belly. He was called away by one of the nurses, and the very next day, my cousin had her baby, a healthy little boy.)

Bill-ieve In The Kindness Of Strangers
OFFICE | WORKING | MAY 31, 2013
(Note: I don’t have insurance, and one day I had to go to the emergency room. The ER bill was about $600 and every month I would call the billing office and make a phone payment; however, I am very low on money and have always only ever been able to make payments of $20 a month.)

Me: “Hello, I would like to make a payment on my account, please.”

Lady: “Okay, can I have your account details?”

(I give her my account details and she pulls up my account.)

Lady: “Hmm, you’ve been paying $20 a month on this bill every month for a year and a half.”

Me: “Yes, I know it’s a very low amount and I’m very sorry, but it’s just all I can afford.”

Lady: “I see that you’ve been on time with your payments every single month. We so infrequently get people that pay their ER bills at all! I’m just going to clear this bill from your account.”

Me: “…What? As in, you’re making it so that I don’t have to pay the rest of it!?”

Lady: “Yes, ma’am, that’s correct.”

Me: *in tears* “Thank you so much… God bless you, ma’am!”

(She really did clear the bill from my account. I never received another bill; I had no idea they could even do things like that. Lady, whoever you are, I will never ever forget your kindness!)

No Time Like The President
OFFICE | WORKING | APRIL 15, 2013
(Note: the president of the very small marketing firm where I work can be a little loopy sometimes.)

President: “What do we want?”

Me: “Huh?”

President: “Time travel!”

Me: “O…kay?”

President: “When do we want it?”

Me: “Now?”

President: “Doesn’t really matter when, does it?”

A Happy Mood Beats The Mean And Rude
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | OCTOBER 17, 2013
(At my workplace, I am famous for having a bright smile and cheery voice when speaking to every single customer. Even if it’s been a stressful and long day, I never give up smiling. A regular of mine comes in for her daily coffee and we stop to chat a bit.)

Regular Customer: “So are you on medicine or something? How do you stay so chipper all the time?”

Me: “Actually, I choose to act happy towards everyone. No medication required.”

Regular Customer: “So you are ALWAYS happy, no matter what? That doesn’t sound possible.”

Me: “Well, there are lots of reasons I keep smiling even if I am not having a great day. I know lots of people just need a sweet smile and some kind words to make a terrible day so much better and I like to think that’s what I do. Also, I learned from one of my psychology classes that the action of smiling releases chemicals in the brain that make you happier because the action of smiling is associated with happiness. Finally, when a customer is so persistent on being rude and mean to me it pisses them off when I continue to smile and be happy. It’s funny when they get upset that they couldn’t make me cry!”

(The customer is easily thirty years my senior, probably more. She stares at me in awe.)

Regular Customer: “I want to be like you when I grow up. Have a fantastic day Sunshine!”

My Boss, The Cookie Monster
BOOKSTORE | WORKING | MARCH 17, 2013
(I’m in the back room before my shift, putting some homemade cookies on the break table. The manager has just clocked out and is putting on her coat to go home.)

Manager: “Oh, what are these?”

Me: “I baked some chocolate chip cookies earlier today! I have enough to share with everyone on staff. The guys at the register said they couldn’t wait to try them on their break tonight! Would you like some?”

Manager: “This is great! They smell so good!”

(Before I can say anything else, she pulls a giant ziplock bag out of her purse and dumps the entire tray of cookies inside.)

Manager: “I’m having people over for dinner tonight, and I didn’t have time to make them dessert! This is perfect. Thanks for sharing!”

(And then she walked out the door with my two dozen cookies! The guys at the registers were so upset when they found out they weren’t going to get any. The next time I made cookies, I put them all in individual baggies with nametags on them!)

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 8
AWESOME, FLORIDA, HEALTH & BODY, MEDICAL OFFICE, NURSES, USA | WORKING | MARCH 4, 2016
(During first full week of Advanced Placement and IB tests of my junior year in high school I find myself struck with a particularly nasty illness called norovirus, which causes nearly non-stop vomiting and diarrhea. I am home alone, as my father is out the whole week for business, and I am taking the bus to and from school for exams. Since I knew I cannot miss any of these tests on such short notice, I manage to tough it out for four days, but at that point I have not been able to eat or drink anything that remains in my stomach for more than five minutes. Severely dehydrated and weak, I finally decide to go to a close-by clinic for IV fluids after school. Since they need a doctor on-site to legally be able to give fluids, I call ahead.)

Nurse: “Hello, [Clinic]. This is [Nurse]. How may I help you?”

Me: *very quietly as my throat has started to develop acid sores* “Hi… Do you have the… Do you do IV fluids?”

Nurse: “What’s that, sweetie? I didn’t quite catch that.”

Me: “I need IV fluids… I really need them.”

Nurse: “Unfortunately we don’t have a doctor with us right now, hun.” *I start crying, since at this point I’m worried I will not be able to get out of bed tomorrow for my next exam* “Sweetie, what’s the matter? Are you hurt?”

Me: “No… I think I got norovirus from that restaurant that was shut down last week and I’m home alone and I have my AP tests that I can’t miss and I haven’t been able to eat or drink anything for days and I’m getting too weak to do anything! I can’t go to the ER because my dad didn’t leave me enough money to cover anything and I really need to go to my exam tomorrow!”

Nurse: “All right, sweetie, give me one second.” *the line is silent for about five minutes* “Okay, hun, here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to go out to you and pick you up, then we’re going to go to the [Clinic] downtown and get you your fluids. After that I’ll take you home and you give me your exam schedule. Is tomorrow your last day for exams until next week?”

Me: *shocked at her kindness* “Yes, ma’am.”

Nurse: “All righty. Then I’ll take you to your exam tomorrow morning and then we do need to check you into the hospital, all right, sweetie? Give me your address and I’ll be there in a few minutes. Call your dad and tell him what is going on, okay?”

(This nurse had negotiated with her supervisor to get the next two days off work so she could make sure I was taken care of and safe. After my exam the next day she picked me up and took me to the hospital, used a few personal favors to get me in quickly and hold off on payment, and stayed with me until my father could get there. We have since become good friends, and I am currently working on my own MD while volunteering at her clinic. This woman is why nurses really should rule the world!)

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 7
HOSPITAL | WORKING | OCTOBER 30, 2015
(I am pregnant and suffering from toxaemia, which is a form of blood poisoning. My blood pressure is extremely high and I have been admitted to hospital. I have been there for two weeks when my blood pressure goes even higher.)

Matron: “You have been scheduled for an emergency induction tomorrow morning; we can’t leave you like this for any longer.”

(Very early the next morning, she comes in and starts the preparation for the induction when a doctor comes in.)

Doctor: “[Matron], I need you to stop what you are doing. I need to speak to the patient. Please leave us alone.”

Matron: “Yes, doctor.” *leaves*

Doctor: *to me* “We are postponing your induction.”

Me: “But I’ve been told I have to have it.”

Doctor: “We’ve decided not to do it right now. It doesn’t really matter, seeing as this is elective.” *meaning I chose to have it done*

(He says nothing to reassure me and leaves. Later one of the nurses comes by.)

Nurse: “[My Name], what are you still doing here? I was sure you would have had your baby by now.”

Me: “Dr [Doctor] told me that it wasn’t being done, and told me it was elective.”

Nurse: “He said what? Did you elect to get pre-eclampsia? I’ll go and see what’s going on.”

(A few minutes later she is back.)

Nurse: “I found out why they postponed you. We only have four birthing rooms and there are a dozen screaming women down there waiting to get into them. You were considered stable enough to wait one more day”.

Me: “I would have understood if he said that.”

Nurse: “Yeah, doctors don’t think.”

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 6
AWESOME, HEALTH & BODY, MEDICAL OFFICE, NURSES | WORKING | DECEMBER 9, 2013
(I’ve been sick this past week and I go to the clinic at nine am. They tell me they will call in the prescription at ten am. At two pm, I go to check the prescription.)

Pharmacist: “I have no prescription here under your name.”

Me: “The clinic said it would be ready by ten am. Let me call them.”

(I call the clinic.)

Me: “Hello. I have a prescription that hasn’t been put through yet. I need to make sure I am at the right pharmacy.”

(I am promptly transferred without a word to the women’s clinic line, which is the incorrect department. I am instructed to leave a message, as the nurses are out to lunch.)

Me: “Um, hi. I am [My Name]. I was just wondering where my prescription was sent. It’s not at the pharmacy and—” *I cough and my head immediately begins to ache terribly. I sniffle and tear up* “—if you could please help me that’d be nice.”

(I hang up and go home. At three pm I go to the clinic to verify the location of the pharmacy. They tell me the order has been sent, and to wait a couple hours. I go home yet again. At five pm I get a call from the women’s clinic number at which I left the message.)

Nurse: “Hello, is this [My Name]? You left a message a couple hours ago.”

Me: “Yes. I’m sorry, I was trying to find out where my prescription was. I already checked back with the clinic and they told me where the prescription would be.”

Nurse: “Everything’s all right, though? This is the wrong department for your call, but since you’ve had the prescription filled…”

Me: “Well… no… I called the pharmacy and the prescription still hasn’t been ordered yet.”

Nurse: “Oh. Let me get on that. I’ll make sure they get it filled out.”

Me: “Okay.”

Nurse: “I will call you back in a minute, sweetie.”

(The nurse hangs up and calls back a few minutes later.)

Nurse: “Okay, I’ve gotten them to fill out your prescription and the pharmacy should have it soon. You are taking [Medicine], which is two pills twice a day. No matter how bad it is, take all of them. You can take decongestants and ibuprofen to deal with the congestion and pain. And, honey, popsicles are your best friends. Drink lots of fluids and warm tea, and get plenty of rest.”

(At this point, the nurse’s concern has caused me to tear up.)

Me: “Thank you so much! I’ve been dealing with this for a week.”

Nurse: “You just sound so sick, sweetie. I called the pharmacy and told them to work extra quick on your order. The pharmacist’s name is [Name]. She’ll have your prescription ready as soon as she can.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Nurse: “You feel better, honey.”

(To that nurse: You had me sobbing. You cared so much and it wasn’t even your department. You helped me and told me more about my medicine than the doctor in the CORRECT department did. I’m so grateful there are people as nice as you working in the women’s clinic!)

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 5
BULLIES, HOSPITAL, NURSES, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, WILD & UNRULY | RIGHT | AUGUST 13, 2013
(I’m 18, and have been hospitalized for a severe case of mono. As a result of the illness, my throat is badly swollen and I can hardly speak. I’m on lots of painkillers. I’m sharing a room with a boy who swallowed a rock. The boy has been screaming since his mother left and his father can’t quiet him down.)

Nurse: “Okay, [My Name], I’m just going to check your vitals.”

Me: *whispering* “How much longer until I can have more pain medication?”

Nurse: “Not for a while, sweetie.”

(The nurse leaves. The boy’s father has been watching us the whole time.)

Boy’s Father: “Listen, you little b****! Don’t you f****** gossip about me to the f****** nurses! You keep your f****** mouth shut, or I’ll shut it for you!”

(I’m stunned, as I haven’t said a word to or about him. As I can’t move and can barely speak, I’m in tears and terrified. Not long after, my mom comes in to visit.)

Mom: “Hey, [My Name]. How are you doing?”

Me: *crying and whispering* “Mom, the dad of that boy screamed at me. He said to shut up, or he’d shut me up.”

(My mom is silent, but clearly fuming. She leaves for a moment.)

Boy’s Father: “WHAT DID I SAY?!”

(Just then, my mom comes back with security in tow.)

Mom: “Escort him from hospital grounds NOW.”

Boy’s Father: “B****! You can’t tell me what to do! You aren’t the boss here! I’m twenty-f******-five!”

Mom: “Actually, I AM the boss here! It’s my day off, but I’m head nurse on this floor, and if you EVER speak to my daughter ever again, I will have you arrested so fast that you won’t ever hear the sirens! And by the way, I’m forty-freaking-eight and I have the good sense not to let my kids eat rocks!”

(The man was removed from hospital grounds and was banned from re-entering for 48 hours unless it was an emergency. I have the best mom in the world.)

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 3
FAST FOOD, JERK | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 26, 2013
(I arrive at work an hour and a half early because I forgot what time I start. I decide to sit in the lobby and have lunch before my shift. I notice that the trash can is in dire need of being emptied and that the front counter is busier than usual. I start to tie the bag up, when a customer screeches at me.)

Customer: “What do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “Just changing the garbage, ma’am. It was full to overflowing and it was too busy for someone to leave their post and do it.”

Customer: “You don’t have to do that, young man! You’re not one of these dropouts that lives in their parent’s basements who can’t do anything better with their lives! What are you taking?”

Me: “I’m planning on becoming a licensed practical nurse. But, ma’am, I don’t just go to school. I work to pay my bills. As a matter of fact, I live in a condo my mother owns. She does not live with me, and I pay rent to her. I pay for my electricity, my Internet, and my heating. How do I earn the money for this, you ask?”

(At this point I remove my hat from my bag, put it on and remove my coat, revealing that I am dressed in my work uniform.)

Me: “I work here, taking whatever hours I can get. A student without anything on their resume will take any job they can. ”

(I point to one of my coworkers who is mopping the floors at the back of the store.)

Me: “She’s a neuroscience student. Just like me she has bills to pay. In the future, please remember that people who work in fast food are not always drop outs, but more often than not students trying to fund their education. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take out this trash, unless you would like me to help extract your foot from your mouth first.”

(Flustered and obviously embarrassed, the customer leaves the store in a hurry. My manager, who is also a classmate of mine, speaks with me once I return from the dumpsters.)

Manager: “Technically, you could be fired for badmouthing a customer while on the job like that.”

Me: “Technically, I’m not working right now! I haven’t clocked in, and my shift’s not for another half hour.”

Manager: “Well then, brave citizen, how does free apple pie sound?”

(I accepted, of course. You just don’t say no to free pie!)

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 2
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 8, 2013
(I am out to breakfast with some friends from work.)

Me: “Excuse me, do you know if the cook uses milk to make the omelets or just eggs?”

Waitress: “Just eggs. Are you allergic to milk?”

Me: “No, but I am lactose intolerant and I forgot to bring my meds.”

(We all order our food. However, after the waitress leaves, I overhear someone from the table next to us asking for a manager.)

Other Customer: *loudly* “I want to complain about that waitress. I heard her interrogating that poor woman about her personal medical issues! I’m a doctor and I know you can’t just ask people about things like that! It’s against the law! She could sue you!”

Me: *to the other customer* “Excuse me, before things get out of hand here, I’m the person she’s talking about. First of all, our waitress asked if I had an allergy to milk. It was a good question considering I made a point of asking if some of your foods have milk in it. If I was really allergic, the kitchen would have to take extra precautions to avoid anaphylaxis. Secondly, there’s no such law that I know of unless you’re talking about the laws in place to protect your private health information from being accessed by other people without your permission. I don’t see how those would apply in this case.”

Other Customer: “What the h*** are you talking about? What are you, some kind of lawyer, smarta**?”

My Friend: “No, ‘doctor,’ she’s some kind of nurse.”

(We all pulled out our hospital IDs. The “doctor” shut up after that. The manager thanked us for clearing things up and left, and our waitress gave us a free round of cheesecake with a free lactose-free muffin for me!)

Why Nurses Should Rule The World
ADORABLE CHILDREN, MEDICAL OFFICE, NURSES | RIGHT | OCTOBER 29, 2012
(My five-year-old son has received a serious injury to his eye. After a pediatrician recommends us to an eye doctor, we are referred to a specialist that works out of a university two hours away from home.)

Nurse: “These are all the contact numbers you should need. I also went online for some directions, and called ahead to let them know it should only be a few hours.”

Son: “I don’t want to.”

Nurse: “What’s the matter?”

Son: *visibly getting upset* “I’m scared.”

Nurse: “But you’ve been so brave this whole time! How about this: if you go see the new doctor, I’ll give you my phone number and you can call me if you get too upset, okay?”

(The nurse writes down her work extension and cell phone number on a piece of paper and adds it to my paperwork, insisting that I feel free to call if I have any problems or questions. My son stays calm all the way to the university and through the appointment with the specialist until we’re told he’s going to need surgery. Crying and upset, he begs me to call the nurse from the clinic.)

Me: *on the phone* “I’m so sorry to bother you, I know you’re still working, but he’s really upset and asked to talk to you.”

(I put the phone on speakerphone so my son, crying on the exam table, can hear.)

Nurse: “Hey, buddy! What’s wrong?”

Son: *crying* “The doctor here wants to give me surgery!”

Nurse: “There’s nothing wrong with that. It’ll make your eye all better. You’ll be able to see again, like we talked about.”

Son: “But I’m scared! It’s going to hurt!”

Nurse: “Of course it’s not going to hurt. That nice doctor wouldn’t hurt you!”

Son: “Have you been given surgeries?”

Nurse: “Yeah, kiddo, a few.”

Son: “And you came back to life?”

Nurse: “Every single time.”

Son: “Promise?”

Nurse: “Swear.”

(My son has calmed down considerably throughout the conversation, and there’s not a dry eye in the room.)

Son: “Okay…”

Nurse: “See? I knew you were brave.”

Son: “Thank you! Love you!”

Nurse: *laughing* “Love you, too.”

(I thanked the nurse a thousand times, and she insisted I call her ASAP to let her know how the surgery went. Later that day, she texted us a picture of herself and her family with a ‘GET WELL SOON’ sign they made for my son!)

Refunder Blunder, Part 9
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 19, 2015
(I work in a large county hospital, and a national fast-food franchise has a facility in the hospital food court. I eat there very frequently, and this day I am in line behind a lady who is a family member of a patient. She orders a hamburger combo meal.)

Clerk: “Order #109 ready.”

Customer: “That’s mine! That’s mine!”

(She proceeds to carefully inspect every item in the bag, I guess to make sure she got every last French fry she was entitled to. She pulls out and holds up an apple fried-pie.)

Customer: “I did not order this!”

Clerk: *looking at the receipt* “Oh, no, ma’am, you surely didn’t. I’m sorry. But see, you weren’t charged for it either.”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t order it.”

Clerk: “No, ma’am, you didn’t. But you weren’t charged for it either.”

Customer: “But I don’t want it. Take it back and I want a refund.”

Clerk: “Well, we can’t take back food, but it’s ok. Just keep it. Our mistake. You weren’t charged for it.”

Customer: “But I didn’t order it and I don’t want it. Take it back.”

Clerk: “Really, it’s okay. Just keep it.”

Customer: “Well, I want a refund for it.”

Clerk: “But you weren’t charged for it. I can’t give you a refund for something you didn’t purchase.”

Customer: “It was in my bag and I didn’t order it.”

Manager: *stepping in* “Yes, ma’am, I understand. We made a mistake, but you weren’t charged for the pie. PLEASE just keep it with our compliments. No problem.”

(The customer slams the pie down on the counter and storms off with the rest of her order, muttering obscenities under her breath.)

Clerk: *looking at me* “Can I help you, Doc?”

Me: “I’d like an apple pie—”

Clerk: “Oh, don’t even start with me…”

Taxing Faxing, Part 4
CALL CENTER, PENNSYLVANIA, PITTSBURGH, STUPID, TECHNOLOGY, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 28, 2010
Customer: “Yeah, hi, I just called earlier to have a report faxed. It hasn’t come through yet.”

Me: “I already sent that out to you, but I can send another copy if you’d like.”

Customer: “Hmm. You think it could be my end?”

Me: “Let’s check the basics. Have you received faxes earlier? Is it plugged in?”

Customer: “Oh, here’s the problem! The paper isn’t loaded!”

Me: “Okay! Fill it up and I’ll send it again.”

Customer: “Um, I don’t seem to have any paper here. Could you fax me some paper so I could load it with it before you fax the report?”

The Late Debate
OFFICE | WORKING | AUGUST 3, 2013
(We have a bad coworker who always calls out of shifts last minute, and is late when she does show up. We always have to pick up her slack, and we’re fed up with it. We have all talked to the boss, but he refuses to fire her; we believe he is sleeping with her. Most of us are looking for another job, but jobs are scare around our area.)

Me: *on phone* “Hello, thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Other Coworker: “[My name], tell the boss I’m not showing up. If [bad coworker] can call out, so can I.” *click*

Me: “Wha?”

(This is bad, because I can’t do everything alone. I call the bad coworker, who doesn’t answer. Then I call the boss, who says he’s calling our bad coworker. Soon after, the bad coworker hurries in, her hair messed up like she just rode in the back of a motorcycle.)

Me: “Phew! You made it!”

Bad Coworker: “Never mind that! Why didn’t you call me first? You tattletale!”

Me: “I did call you, but you didn’t answer!”

Bad Coworker: “F*** that! My phone’s always on! You’re just a tattletale, trying to get me in trouble!”

Me: “So let me get this straight: I have to call you to come in on time?”

Bad Coworker: “Yes! Is there a problem with that?”

Me: “…”

Thanks For (Almost) Nothing
CALL CENTER, EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, MONEY, USA | RIGHT | MARCH 3, 2009
(I’ve just activated a cable channel for a woman and am ending the call.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can do for you, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yeah, how much was it again?”

Me: “It’s $4.01 a month, ma’am.”

Customer: “Why $4.01? Why not just four dollars?”

Me: “Ma’am, I only activate the channels, I don’t set the prices.”

Customer: “Well, that’s stupid. I don’t know if I want it anymore. It should only be four dollars.”

Me: “I can certainly put in a complaint for you.”

Customer: “Yeah, you do that. And you take it off and I don’t want to pay that fee for taking it off. It should only be four dollars!”

Me: “Look, ma’am, I’ll find twelve cents and mail it to you. That covers that one cent for a whole year. Can I have your address?”

Customer: “Have a nice day!”

(And then she hung up on me.)

Both Brains Were Fried
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | APRIL 9, 2015
(In this case, both the cashier AND I were idiots. I’m a product demonstrator buying supplies for my next demo: 12 bags of French fries. I get to my car and realize the cashier only charged me for 10. So I go back in and explain the problem.)

Cashier: Thank you so much! I’d have been in so much trouble.”

Me: *feeling sheepish, I brought the receipt but NOT the un-scanned bags back in* “Should I go get them to scan again?”

Cashier: “Nah, just grab two more from the cooler. I’ll scan those and charge you for them.”

(I run and get them. I get back and she’s explaining to the entire line what a tool she is and how grateful she is to me for my honesty. As such, she’s working distracted and on autopilot… It’s 10 pm and I’ve had a long day myself, so I’m not precisely paying attention either.)

Cashier: *scans bags* “Okay, that’ll be $4.99.”

(She automatically bags them and hands me the bag. I automatically take them, say thank you, and leave.)

Me: *10 minutes later at home, un-bagging groceries into my freezer* “Oh, lord! Now I’ve paid for 12 and have 14!”

Don’t Ask For Chocolate Drops
COFFEE SHOP, EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY NAMES | RIGHT | JUNE 25, 2010
(A customer arrives at the drive-thru window.)

Customer: “I’m so sorry. I’m not sure what it is I want, but I know it’s flat and it has caramel and whip cream and it’s a cappuccino.”

Me: “I think I know what you want. It’s blended and frozen, like a milkshake but with coffee.”

Customer: “Maybe. I’m just not sure. I always get my granddaughter to order it for me because she speaks the coffee language.”

(This goes on until I convince her to just come to the window and describe it to me in person. One of my fellow baristas helps her to realize that she does, in fact, want what I think she wants).

Customer: “Yeah, one of those crappuccinos. That’s it…”