Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio
FUNNY, PATIENTS, PHARMACY, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 12, 2009
Customer: “These things don’t work! They are hard to swallow and I nearly choked to death.”

Me: “Ma’am, they are suppositories. You don’t swallow them; you insert them rectally.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “You unwrap them and insert them in your rectum.”

Customer: “What’s my rectum?”

Me: “Ma’am, please forgive me, but your rectum is your butthole.”

Customer: “Well, up yours, too!” *stalks off*

(This is not the first time someone misunderstood when we explained how to use a suppository. It’s the only time we can tell a patient, “Up yours,” and get away with it!)

The (Brain) Damage Has Already Been Done
ALCOHOL, CALL CENTER, EMERGENCY SERVICES, GERMANY, HEALTH & BODY | HEALTHY RIGHT | MAY 6, 2009
(Note: 1-1-2 is Germany’s version of 9-1-1.)

Me: “1-1-2, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Oh, my god! Help me! Help me!”

Me: “Calm down, please. Can you tell me what happened, if someone is hurt, and where you are?”

Caller: “I’m at home, and my brain stopped working!”

Me: “Your brain… stopped working? Sir, if your brain would stop working, you would be dead. Can you tell me exactly what happened? Are you bleeding?”

Caller: “No, no. But my brain stopped working! At least half of it! Oh, my god, will the other half stop working as well?! Will I die?! My wife was right! I can’t believe it!”

(At this point, I’m unsure what to do. The man is really in a state of panic, but sounds otherwise fine.)

Me: “Sir, is your wife at home? Can I speak to her? If not, please tell me exactly what you did when your… brain stopped working.”

Caller: “I watched soccer! And drank beer! My wife always told me ‘When you don’t stop that crap, your brain will stop working’ and now it did! I was sitting on the couch and turned my head to look at the clock and suddenly I can’t move my head anymore because the left side of my brain stopped working! Help!”

Me: “Sir, it sounds like you only cricked your neck!”

(I start describing him what a cricked neck feels like and he agrees that this is indeed his problem and that he’ll see a doctor in the morning. I’m about to end the call, when…)

Caller: “Hey, dude…”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Is she right?”

Me: “Who?”

Caller: “My wife. You seem to know a lot about medicine and stuff, so can my brain really stop working from watching too much soccer and drinking beer?”

Me: “Well, alcohol is known for indeed killing brain cells when you drink too much, but you won’t–”

Caller: “Oh, my god! Thank you! I thought she was only kidding me, but when you say it, then I’ll stop! Thank you so much for saving my life! Thank you!”

Me: “Wait, I didn’t say–”

Caller: *hangs up*

It’s Called Healthyitis
BIZARRE, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HEALTH & BODY, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | APRIL 16, 2009
Me: “Thank you for waiting. My name is [My Name]. What is your call regarding?”

Patient: “Yeah, I want to ask the nurse a question.”

Me: “Is this regarding symptoms you are experiencing?”

Patient: “Yeah… well, kind of.”

Me: “What symptoms are you experiencing?”

Patient: “Actually, none.”

Me: “You are experiencing no symptoms?”

Patient: “Yeah… I have no pain and I just want to know if that is normal.”

On The Bright Side, There Are Worse Orifices
FUNNY, HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | JULY 15, 2009
Me: “[Pharmacy], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, your medicine is defective.”

Me: “Sir, why don’t I get your information so I can take a look at your profile.”

Customer: *gives his name and date of birth*

Me: “I see that the last prescriptions you filled were antibiotics and drops for your ear infection. Are your symptoms still bothering you?”

Customer: “Yes, and how the h*** do you expect me to fit this giant pill in my ear?”

Me: “Sir, that’s an antibiotic tablet. It’s meant to be taken orally.”

Pint-Sized Purification
FUNNY, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, MEDICAL OFFICE, MEDICATION, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | JUNE 17, 2009
Caller: “Hi, do you have any doctors that prescribe detox drugs?”

Me: “No, we don’t provide that service.”

Caller: “How do you know? You have lots of doctors. How do you know?!”

Me: “We don’t specialize in addiction treatment. Our doctors aren’t that type of practitioner.”

Caller: “Why?! What if I need them to be?”

Me: “Well, then you would have to call another office.”

Caller: “What kind of doctors don’t prescribe detox meds?!”

Me: “Pediatricians… ”

Caller: “Oh!” *hangs up phone*

The Flesh Is Bright But The Mind Is Dimming
HEALTH & BODY, HOSPITAL, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | JUNE 8, 2009
Me: “Okay, sir, just a few X-rays and we’ll be done.”

Patient: “Please make it quick. I don’t want to glow when I leave!”

Me: “No, sir, I promise you won’t glow. That’s just an X-ray joke.”

Patient: “It’s dark out! I can’t glow or I’ll be seen!”

Me: “Sir, I swear you will not glow.”

Patient: “NO GLOOOWWWIINNG!”

Me: *gives up* “The glow afterward is so faint, no one will ever see it.”

Patient: “Oh… okay, then. Proceed…”

Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right
HOSPITAL, PATIENTS, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 20, 2009
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I work in healthcare and am talking to a man in his fifties who is having angina for the first time.)

Me: “You haven’t had a heart attack, but this pain is probably coming from your heart.”

Man: “But I’m only 50-something, and there are no heart problems in my family. Why would that be?”

Me: “You smoke 30 cigarettes a day and drink two cartons of beer per week. That’s not good for your heart. You should think about cutting down.”

Man: “I’m sick of you people telling me that bulls***! It’s a scientifically proven fact that smoking makes your arteries smaller, and drinking makes them bigger! If I keep drinking and smoking, I’ll be fine!”

Me: “That’s not at all how it works, but I see I’m not going to change your mind. You’ll be going upstairs soon.”

Man: “I want to go out for a smoke!”

Me: “That’s really not a good idea.”

Man: “What would you know?!”

Me: *gives up*

Give Me Coffee Or Give Me Death
HOSPITAL, JERK, LIARS/SCAMMERS, PATIENTS | HEALTHY | MAY 16, 2009
(I work in a hospital.)

Me: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”

Patient: “Coffee.”

Me: “Well, it looks like you’re on a cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.”

Patient: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t give it to you.”

Patient: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”

Me: “Sir. You are on a cardiac diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”

Patient: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”

Me: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer; otherwise, I could lose my job.”

Patient: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”

Me: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”

Patient: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”

Me: *loses patience* “DO YOU WANT THE COFFEE OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!”

Patient: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”

A Red-Letter Day
FUNNY, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA, WORDPLAY | HEALTHY | JUNE 10, 2021
I work in medical reception. Recently, we had to reschedule some patients from one doctor, and we had a nurse practitioner available that day to take the patients that the doctor couldn’t. I was on the phone with a patient, who was very (understandably) upset because there were no other medical doctors with immediate openings to see them.

Patient: *Frustrated* “I don’t care if it’s an MD or a PhD; I just need to see a doctor!”

While this situation in itself was far from funny, I had a hard time keeping myself from laughter. A couple of days before, my English teacher had gone on quite a tangent about how he doesn’t like being called “Doctor,” because, obviously, having a PhD in English, he is not medically qualified.

Teacher: “If you’re sick, I’m probably going to just let you die.”

Personally, no matter how bad my medical condition was, I’d take that NP over that PhD any day.

This Clerk Will Have You Feeling Blue
EMPLOYEES, GERMANY, LIARS/SCAMMERS, MONEY, PHARMACY | HEALTHY | JUNE 7, 2021
I hurt my knee really badly when I am about fourteen, and I have to get a bandage to wear during the day so as to not put too much strain on it. I get a prescription and am told it will be free.

I go to the pharmacy with my father and go ahead so he can park the car. I show my prescription.

Clerk: “Yes, let me get you fitted, and then you’ll pay sixteen euro for your bandage.”

Me: *Surprised* “But I was told it would be free.”

Clerk: “No, this is sixteen euro, sorry.”

My father comes in and I tell him what the clerk said. The clerk speaks up again.

Clerk: “We also have one that is free, but it would be a bit different.”

I ended up getting the one for free, and you know what the difference was? It was grey instead of blue. I was supposed to pay sixteen euro to have a bandage of a different color. I only realised much later that the clerk was trying to take advantage of my inexperience as a fourteen-year-old and only caved when my father came. I am still shocked at the audacity, years later.

He Officially Wins At Excuses
CHICAGO, FUNNY, HEALTH & BODY, ILLINOIS, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 4, 2021
I graduated massage school in 1986 and promptly started working at a place in a very well-to-do town. We had acupuncture, chiropractic, and other modalities, as well as massage therapy.

I quickly developed a roster of regulars with standing weekly appointments. One particular fellow was my standing Tuesday 6:00 pm for years. He was always right on time, impeccably dressed, the model of a perfect executive. (Nice guy, too.)

But one Tuesday, [Regular] didn’t come in and didn’t call. With most people, I would have assumed they’d just flaked, but [Regular] had never flaked on anything in his life. I was concerned.

It turned out that [Regular] had gone in to have a lipoma removed — I knew he had it, of course — and during what should have been very minor surgery, his heart stopped. They had to resuscitate him.

He called the next day.

Regular: “Sorry I missed my appointment yesterday. I was dead.”

Best excuse EVER.

¡Que Embarazada!, Part 2
COLORADO, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, NURSES, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 1, 2021
My friend has recently given birth to her daughter and is at the doctor’s office for the baby’s one-week checkup. She obviously hasn’t had her stomach “bounce” back yet. The nurse comes in and takes one look at her belly.

Nurse: “How are you already pregnant again! Didn’t you just give birth?!”

Since When Are Nurses Supposed To Care About Your Health?
HOSPITAL, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, NURSES, THE NETHERLANDS | HEALTHY | MAY 29, 2021
I’m with my baby at the emergency room.

Nurse: “Would you like anything to drink?”

Me: “Yes, please. I would like a hot chocolate.”

A bit later, the nurse returns with a large cup and hands it to me.

Nurse: “Here! I brought you a fresh strawberry mango smoothie. Much better than that sewer drink.”

Me: “Oh, uh, thank you, but no, thank you. I—”

Nurse: “Nonsense! This is good for you with lots of vitamins. The doctor will be here soon. Tataaa!”

And she left the room. I’m allergic to fruit.

Clearly, Babies Fix Everything!
BAD BEHAVIOR, BIGOTRY, FRANCE, THERAPIST | HEALTHY | MAY 26, 2021
My husband decides to see a therapist to talk mostly about work burnout and how to deal with it. After their first meeting, he comes home looking extremely upset.

Me: “Are you okay?”

Husband: “I am never seeing that whack job again!”

Me: “Yikes! That bad? What happened?”

Husband: “We were going over what my home life is like and I told him you’ve been dealing with depression for almost your whole life… and he told me to get you pregnant so that you would be too busy to worry about yourself!”

Quacktose Intolerant
BIZARRE, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HOSPITAL, LIARS/SCAMMERS, MEDICAL OFFICE, UK | HEALTHY | MAY 24, 2021
When I am a teenager, I have pain in my abdomen. After six months of running around different departments, it is established that I could be lactose intolerant.

Doctor: “I suggest you visit a dietitian to make sure everything goes okay as you cut milk out of your diet. Try [Dietitian] right here in the hospital.”

My mother and I agree. Red flags should have been apparent from the beginning.

We call to make the appointment.

Dietitian: “Do you want to be seen at the hospital or at my house? There are more options if I see you in my home.”

After verifying with our health insurance that they will accept this appointment and pay, my mother agrees to the appointment for me.

Dietitian: “Please bring along the pain meds that you have been taking and the soy milk you have replaced the regular milk with.”

On the day of the appointment, we sit down in what appears to be the dietitian’s living room. The dietitian gestures to something on the table.

Dietitian: “This is the Asyra machine which will measure your bioenergy field to establish what you can and can’t tolerate in your diet.”

I am doing my A-levels at this point with the hope of going to study veterinary medicine, and this sounds like nonsense to me, but being British and too polite to stop her, I allow her to carry on. She gets me to hold these electrodes which, apparently, is all I need to do.

My mother helpfully intervenes.

Mother: “But they are not plugged in.”

Confidence going down by the second, I do as asked and the machine starts to generate a wiggly line. As we go on, the dietitian starts going on about how, “The machine thinks this,” or, “The machine knows that,” making it seem that this machine is alive. Eyebrows continue to rise.

Her analysis says that I should be fine with milk but I should really avoid eggs and onions, which I know is complete rubbish as I have been on an exclusion diet for a couple of months and recently reintroduced eggs and onions into my diet with no issues at all.

Dietitian: “Can I test the milk and pills you brought along so I can see if they’re good for you?”

She first decides to test the soy milk, which is in a carton containing plastic which, as many primary school pupils will tell you, does not conduct electricity. She places the carton on top of a metal plate and runs the machine. She is horrified by the result.

Dietitian: “You should stop drinking this immediately; it is terrible for your system!”

Me: *Politely* “I’ve been drinking this milk for about three months and I have been feeling much better since then.”

She frowns for a second, trying to reconcile this.

Dietitian: “Well, the machine is calibrated to American soy milk, so maybe you can drink British soy milk without issues. Try to avoid it if you are in the States.”

“WTF?!” does not cover our thoughts at this point.

She moves onto my pain meds. I have two I am using and I have them in the same box for convenience. Again, the woman takes the box and plonks it on the plate.

Mother: “There are two in the box.”

She regrets saying this immediately. The dietitian sorts between the two and repeats the process. According to the machine, one is good and one won’t work for me. I do seem to be becoming slightly immune to one, so this seems correct, but she got them the wrong way around.

Now comes the sales pitch: apparently, the machine is telling her that my gut pH is too low and this needs to be rectified with probiotics. Normally, the bottle for a month would cost £200, but she is willing to give me a sample bottle for free. We accept without arguing, for simplicity.

Dietitian: “Do you have any questions?”

Me: “I’m really missing chocolate. When can I add that back into my diet?”

Dietitian: “You will have no issues with chocolate and can start eating it immediately.”

This is completely at odds with my exclusion diet. Basically, if I add more than one thing a week, I have to wait two weeks for any symptoms to clear before starting to add things again, possibly from scratch. Not going to happen.

We leave and I think there are two seconds of silence in the car before my mum and I burst out laughing.

Sometime later, we receive the report. Nowhere does it mention milk. In the meantime, I have taken a lactose tolerant test and it turns out I am about as intolerant as it is possible to be. Another highlight of the report is that radon gas — that radioactive gas that causes neighborhood evacuations when leaks are detected — is better for me than… carrots.

We turn to the hospital and complain about this woman and her quackery. However, they won’t do anything as the appointment occurred outside the hospital and they are not responsible, even though their doctor recommended her and she is an employee of the hospital. We also have a two-month battle with the insurance for them to pay her, even though they said they would before we went.

As a final note, we looked up this Asyra machine online. It turns out that in the US (and the UK), it is only licensed to measure skin resistance, and if it is used to measure anything else in the US, you can sue the doctor.

It was all a complete and utter waste of time, but it gave me a good story.

I Am Also Allergic To Inept Nurses
ARIZONA, BAD BEHAVIOR, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, MEDICAL OFFICE, NURSES, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 22, 2021
I have an allergy to the preservative in most vaccines and have a heart condition that makes the use of an epi-pen unsafe without direct medical observation afterward. Therefore, I’m unable to be vaccinated without being hospitalized to monitor my heart for up to a week after. Because of this, I do not get the flu vaccine ever.

I’m at the six-week follow-up after giving birth.

Nurse: “Will we be getting the flu shot today, as well?”

Me: “No, I don’t get vaccinations for medical reasons.”

Nurse: “But don’t you want to protect your baby? You know if you don’t get it he’ll have to get one.”

Me: “No. As I already said, I am not interested in the flu shot for medical reasons, and his pediatrician is fine with him not getting it, either, since everyone else he will be exposed to, other than me, will have their flu shot.”

Nurse: “Just because you’re afraid of needles, it doesn’t mean you can’t get it. They have a nose spray now, you know.”

The nurse continues to try to convince me to get the shot for another ten minutes by guilt-tripping me about endangering my baby and being a bad person for not getting it for “frivolous” reasons. Then, my OB comes in and shoos her away. After speaking with her, she sends the nurse back in to give me a birth control shot and a shot of an antihistamine just in case I have an allergic reaction to the preservative in the birth control. I turn around and pull my pants down for the shot and feel two sticks, only to hear:

Nurse: “See? That wasn’t so bad! You got your birth control and the flu shot in one go!”

Me: “DID YOU EVEN READ MY CHART?! I’M ALLERGIC TO THE PRESERVATIVE IN THE FLU SHOT! IT COULD KILL ME!”

The nurse didn’t even look like she cared. She just walked out, leaving me sobbing and trying to stay calm so I could get an epi shot before I stopped being able to breathe.

Thankfully, my OB was able to give me an epi shot within a few minutes of the flu shot, but I still spent a week in the hospital afterward. The good news is that the nurse lost her licenses and faced criminal charges.

Ain’t That A Karmic Kick In The Head
BOSSES & OWNERS, CURRENT EVENTS, HEALTH & BODY, INSTANT KARMA, RETAIL, SEATTLE, USA, WASHINGTON | HEALTHY | MAY 21, 2021
I get migraines an average of two weeks a month. My manager has never experienced a migraine and thinks of them as simple headaches; she frequently talks down to me as though they are nothing. Our store has glaring white light that is arguably brighter than the outside sun, which does not help at all.

My manager recently came down with a certain contagious illness and became very sick; she was gone for about two months. Upon her return, she was now getting chronic migraines much like mine.

Before long, my manager posted a public apology on social media and sent me a personal one for talking like migraines are nothing. I’m sorry she is getting them now as they are torture, but I’m glad she now understands and won’t make the “it’s nothing” argument again to anyone out there who gets them.

What The Oak Leaf Wants, The Oak Leaf Gets
HOSPITAL, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, MILITARY, REDDIT | HEALTHY | CREDIT: THEARTICULATEGRUNT | MAY 19, 2021
I am a Captain and have been assigned as chief of security for an Army hospital. I am in my office when a Lieutenant Colonel comes in.

Lieutenant Colonel: “Hey there, Captain. I need you to take care of an issue for me.”

Me: “Of course, sir. If it is within my area and power, I’ll see what I can do.”

Lieutenant Colonel: “Well, the general’s driver’s wife is in the maternity ward having just had her baby and she has a problematic roommate — always closing the curtain and blocking her line of sight to the window and messing with the tv. I need this woman moved to another room.”

Me: “Umm, that’s definitely outside my area of control, sir. I don’t oversee or control anything with patients unless it is an issue of security, safety or—”

Lieutenant Colonel: “Yes, yes, I know, but you know everyone, and the doctors and nurses will listen to you more than me. You are one of them now and they rely on you.”

Me: “Sir, really—”

Lieutenant Colonel: “I know, I know, no promises. This would really make the general happy, though. His driver is like a second son to him, so I would really owe you. It’s room number [number]. Just give it your best for a fellow infantryman, okay?”

I breathe deep and pause for a moment.

Me: “What room number again, sir?”

Lieutenant Colonel: *Smiling* “[Number].”

Me: “Roger, sir. I’ll look into it and do my best. I’ve got a couple of favors I might be able to use.”

Lieutenant Colonel: “Outstanding! Thanks.”

And he leaves. So, up I go to maternity to find the head nurse. She is not pleased as, apparently, the Lieutenant Colonel had been here earlier trying to sling his weight around and came to find me when it had no effect. I point out the room, though, and she smiles. We both chuckle a little bit.

Me: “So, can you help me out with making this all be good? Please.”

The head nurse gives me a big friendly smile.

Head Nurse: “Well, the corner room is open. We could move the bothersome lady in there, though she will likely have a new roommate later today. Then again, once the bed is clean and reset, we will likely be putting another lady in with the driver’s wife, too. Matter of fact…”

She pauses, looking over files.

Head Nurse: “It will probably be [Patient] having her fourth kid. She was likely to be going in the corner room, but with the move, she would have to go in with the driver’s wife.”

Me: “Well, if that’s how it has to be. As long as we can accommodate the Lieutenant Colonel’s request.”

Head Nurse: “Okay, but you are helping move the lady out of the room.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, of course.”

The lady who had been causing SUCH disturbances for the driver’s wife was quite calm and gave no issues with the move nor even asked any questions. I called the Lieutenant Colonel once it was done and made sure to tell him I had no concrete knowledge if or when a new roommate might be moved into the room but that the staff was really not happy with the move and extra work. He thanked me and I never heard anything of it again.

The entertaining part of the whole thing? The bothersome lady who got the room with the better view — the woman who kept closing the curtain for some privacy and turning down the loud crap the driver’s wife kept putting on the TV — was my wife, who had just had our first kid.

Make It Up To Her Or Face Her Withering Stare
GOLDEN YEARS, GRANDPARENTS, NURSES, NURSING HOME, PATIENTS, THE NETHERLANDS | HEALTHY | MAY 17, 2021
My grandmother always liked to look nice; she liked to regularly get her hair and nails done and preferred to spend a little extra on stylish clothes. She also almost always wore makeup — just a little colour to liven up her face a bit. She still did this when she was past ninety and had to move to a nursing home.

The move was not caused by diminishing mental faculties — she remained sharp as a tack until the day she died — but she had become wheelchair-bound after a nasty fall and her physical health had already been deteriorating. The home she moved into was very nice, but apparently, some of the staff were not used to elderly ladies paying as much attention to their looks as my grandmother did.

I was visiting Grandma when a young nurse came in to help her with her eyedrops. Her face took on a look of pure astonishment.

Nurse: “Why, Mrs. [Grandma], are you really wearing lipstick?”

Grandma must have been rather irritated at the tone and the apparent implication that elderly women wearing lipstick is something to marvel at, because her reply was rather indignant.

Grandma: “Yes, I am. I might be old, but I’m not withered!”

After the flustered nurse left, I nearly rolled off the couch with laughter. “I might be old, but I’m not withered” has since become a family favourite; whenever an older relative gets a comment along the lines of “Looking good for your age,” they fire off Grandma’s response. Everyone in the know then immediately bursts into laughter and starts reminiscing about dear Grandma.

CAT Scans In The Twilight Zone
BIZARRE, BOULDER, COLORADO, EMPLOYEES, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, LAZY/UNHELPFUL, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 15, 2021
I arrive early for my CAT scan and sit in the waiting room. [Tech #1 ] comes out of the back.

Tech #1 : “Is [Man] here? [Man]? [Man]?”

Receptionist: “Who’s [Man]?”

Tech #1 : “His wife is back there and too dizzy to walk. I’m looking for her husband.” *Louder* “[MAN]! [MAN]?!”

[Tech #1 ] disappears for a few minutes and then he’s back.

Tech #1 : “[Man]? [MAN]?! [Receptionist], would you page him?”

Receptionist: “What’s his last name?”

Tech #1 : “Just page [Man].”

Receptionist: “I can’t do that! There are lots of [Man]s!”

Tech #1 : “I don’t know his last name. Just page him!”

[Tech #1 ] disappears again. [Tech #2 ] comes out of the back pushing a woman in a wheelchair.

Tech #2 : “Someone’s supposed to transport this woman to the lobby.”

Receptionist: “Park her over there until they come.”

[Tech #2 ] parks the woman and goes into the back.

Tech #1 : “[Man]? [Man]?”

Transport Nurse: “Where’s the woman in the wheelchair?”

Receptionist: *Waving vaguely* “Over there.”

Transport Nurse: “I see the wheelchair, but it’s empty.”

Receptionist: “That’s odd.”

The transport nurse leaves.

Receptionist: “[My Name], we’ll get to you in just a few more minutes.”

Me: “That’s just fine. You’ve lost two people in the ten minutes I’ve been here, so I’m really overwhelmed with confidence at the moment.”

Someone else behind the reception desk calls out:

Employee: “Don’t ask me! I’m on lunch!”

Tech #1 : “[Man]?”

They did eventually find [Man]. They never found the missing lady. And my CAT scan went on without further incident — whew!

Testing Positive For Not Listening
CURRENT EVENTS, HEALTH & BODY, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, LABORATORY, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 12, 2021
I work in customer service for a testing lab, mostly testing people who need a negative test for international travel. While we’re able to answer 99% of customers’ questions, we legally can’t give medical advice since we’re not medical professionals.

Customer: “I’m supposed to travel next week, but I also just got an email that I can get my vaccine this weekend. Will the vaccine affect my results? Should I get the vaccine or not?”

Me: “While we haven’t had any issues with the vaccines affecting our tests, it would be best to ask your doctor about whether you should get the vaccine before traveling. I’m not allowed to give medical advice to customers.”

Customer: *Now yelling* “I’M NOT ASKING FOR MEDICAL ADVICE! I’M ASKING IF I SHOULD GET THE VACCINE OR NOT!”

Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 5
JERK, OHIO, OPTOMETRIST/OPTICIAN, PATIENTS, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 10, 2021
I’m a technician at a local eye clinic. I call back a new patient. I get his history and find out he’s diabetic and uses scleral lenses — the kind that covers the entire eye. Diabetes can wreak havoc on the eyes if not controlled.

Me: “What brings you here?”

Patient: “I’ve had pain in both my eyes the past two weeks.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I see you wear sclerals. How long have you been using them?”

Patient: “Oh, these are about ten years old. They’re in great shape!”

Me: “Oooookay? How long per day do you wear them?”

Patient: “Oh, I don’t take ‘em out! They’re so comfortable and I forget they’re there!”

My eyes instantly start to hurt for him, but I continue.

Me: “So… how long have these been in your eye?”

Patient: “About two months!”

Me: “So, you haven’t cleaned them or taken them out of your eye in two months?!”

Patient: “Nope. It’s not my contacts that are bothering me, though. My eyes just hurt.”

Me: “Okay… and you’re diabetic, correct? What’s your blood sugar usually run?”

Patient: “I don’t know; I rarely check. Like 400 something?”

I’m almost speechless but I continue.

Me: “Well, we need to take the contacts out so the doctor can look at your eye.”

Patient: “Do we have to? Taking them out will make my eyes hurt more.”

Me: “Yes. Yes, we do.”

The patient takes his lenses out. They are covered with dirt and build-up to where the lens is a milky grey color rather than clear. I look at the patient’s eyes and they are beet red and swollen. Finally, the doctor comes in after I tell him what’s going on.

Doctor: “Let’s take a look.”

After examining the patient, the doctor can see two huge corneal ulcers exacerbated by uncontrolled diabetes from extended lens wear causing the pain. The doctor explains that these are serious and can lead to permanent scarring which can be irreversible.

Doctor: “These are serious. You need to keep your lenses out to let the eyes heal.”

Patient: “No.”

Doctor: “No?”

Patient: “I’m gonna keep wearing my lenses.”

Doctor: “You really shouldn’t. If this infection doesn’t heal, you can be left with scars or could possibly develop into something much worse and lose the eye.”

Patient: “I don’t care. Give me my lenses.”

Doctor: “My tech has them. She’s finishing cleaning them for you.”

Patient: “Why in the h*** would you clean them?! They were fine!”

Doctor: “Sir, I can’t let you wear these in good conscience knowing it’ll make the problem worse.”

Patient: “F*** y’all! I’m going somewhere else where they know what they’re talking about. These contacts didn’t do anything to my eyes!”

He left with his contacts. We thoroughly documented the encounter and went on about our business.

A month later, he came back threatening to sue our company because he claimed we told him he could continue his lens use and never gave him any treatment for his condition — he left before we could — and now he had a pretty significant corneal scar in both eyes and would require a transplant. My doctor simply printed out the exam notes for him and told him he’d love to see him try. Harsh on my doctor’s part maybe, but don’t fight the people trying to help you!

Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 4
ADORABLE CHILDREN, HEALTH & BODY, JERK, PARK, SCHOOLMATES, STRANGERS, USA | FRIENDLY | JUNE 5, 2018
(I have heterochromia, which means I have two different colored eyes. My left one is blue and my right one is brown/hazel. I’ve had many people comment on them, good and bad. Example #1 : I’m taking pictures of the wildlife in the park for a school project. We’re taking a break and decide to make small talk.)

Me: “I like your bracelet.”

Partner: “Thanks, it was a birthday gift.”

Me: “Lucky.”

Partner: “Have you ever considered surgery to make both your eyes the same color?”

Me: “Does something like that exist?”

Partner: “Yeah. My aunt hates contacts but loves blue eyes.”

Me: “Unless it’s glaucoma or vision correction, I don’t feel comfortable going through expensive eye surgery.”

Partner: “But you’d look normal!”

Me: “My definition of normal and yours seem to be at different ends of the spectrum.”

(Example #2 : Same park, weekend, I’m painting the pond.)

Mother: “Go on. Ask her, sweetie.”

Little Girl: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes?”

Little Girl: “Are you a witch? Your eyes are odd.”

Me: “Shhh. If my father hears someone figured out my secret, he might give me twice my magic homework.”

Little Girl: “I promise I won’t tell.” *makes a “my lips are sealed” gesture and skips happily to her mother*

Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 3
CONVENIENCE STORE | WORKING | APRIL 11, 2013
(I’m at the store near my house, buying a six-pack of beer. I’m partially blind, but know my neighborhood well, and buy my beer/soda/snacks there regularly. This day, there is a new clerk.)

Clerk: “I’ll need to see your driver’s license for the beer, please.”

Me: “Sure thing, boss!”

(I hand over my state-issued ID, which is different from a driver’s license.)

Clerk: “This isn’t a driver’s license. You said you had a driver’s license.”

Me: “This is a state-issued ID. It functions exactly like a driver’s license for most purposes, except for driving.”

Clerk: “So, you’re a drunk driver, and they took your driver’s license away? I shouldn’t be selling beer to an alcoholic.”

Me: “No, I never had a driver’s license. I’m blind, I can’t drive.”

Clerk: “…because they took your license away. I don’t think I should sell this to you. You’ll wind up killing someone, and it’ll be my fault.”

(By this time, the owner realizes what’s going on and speaks up.)

Owner: “Just sell [my name] the **** beer!”

Related:

Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 2
BANK, EMPLOYEES, STUPID, USA | WORKING | JULY 4, 2012
(I am a customer at a bank. I am accompanying a friend who happens to be blind. He does not wear dark glasses, so his blindness is apparent to anyone who can see his face. After making a deposit, my friend asks for his balance, and the teller requests his driver’s license as proof of identity. My friend hands her his state-issued ID card.)

Teller: “I am sorry, sir. This ID is not acceptable. I need to see your driver’s license.”

Friend: “I do not have a driver’s license. This is my state ID.”

Teller: “I have to see your driver’s license to verify your identity before I can tell you the balance on this account.”

Friend: “Miss, I do not have a driver’s license. I cannot drive. This card is equivalent to a driver’s license for identification purposes.”

Teller: “Everybody over sixteen can drive, sir. If you do not have your driver’s license, I cannot give you the balance.”

Friend: “Look at me, miss. I am blind. Do you really think I should be able to drive?”

Teller: “Why not?!”

Not Seeing Eye To Eye
HOME | ROMANTIC | MARCH 30, 2012
Me: “I love you.”

Boyfriend: “I love you, too.”

(I touch my forehead to his, and look tenderly into his eyes. After a moment, he grins.)

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “You know, you look like a Cyclops when you’re this close.”

Me: “Really?” *can’t help but grin anyway* “I was trying to have a meaningful stare into your eyes.”

Boyfriend: “Well, I’m having a meaningful stare into your eye!”

Back Pain Sufferers, There Is Hope!
AWESOME, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, FLORIDA, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 6, 2021
I’m twenty. For the past few months, I’ve been getting experience in my major field by working long hours in a lab, counting out microscopic worms on Petri dishes. It’s not difficult or too taxing, but I’ve noticed lately that the way I have to sit to reach the scopes has triggered some lower back pain around the center of my hips. I try to ignore it for about three weeks, as my father just laughs when I mention it and I’m worried that my doctor, the pediatrician I’ve seen since birth, will do the same because of my young age and lack of strenuous activity.

It gets to the point that I can barely walk and every few seconds, a shooting pain jumps down from my back to the front of my knee. It’s beyond anything I’ve ever felt, before or since. The spasms keep me at night, and when I wake up one morning to discover that I can’t lean forward or backward more than a few millimeters, I finally go in to see the doctor. As my main doctor isn’t in that day, I’m paired with a new doctor in the practice I’ve never met before. She’s much younger than the others I’ve seen and is incredibly pleasant.

Doctor: “So, I’ve heard you’ve been having back spasms?”

Me: “Yeah. I know, I know, I’m too young to have a back problem. I haven’t had any big jolts to the system or anything, nothing more stressful than sitting in a lab all day, but no matter what I do, I can’t shake this. I didn’t want to bother you guys during the flu season with what’s probably just a stupid pulled muscle but I haven’t slept for two nights now. Laying down or sitting up seems to make it worse, and the over-the-counter painkillers don’t put a dent in it.”

Doctor: “Hey, it’s no problem at all! In fact, I wish you had come in a bit sooner! Back spasms can be really serious, so let’s see if we can figure this out.”

The doctor chats with me about what I’ve done so far to ease the pain and what showed any improvement or made it worse and puts me through some simple range of movement exercises

Doctor: “Okay, I’m going to do a few little tests that should confirm my suspicions about this. I’m going to be putting my thumbs at those little dimples you get at your lower back, okay? Just tell me if it hurts, and which side hurts most.”

I feel something akin to a nail being driven into the area she’s touching.

Me: “Holy moth— Left! Left side! Haha, ouch, Doc.”

Doctor: “Sorry! Sorry, just one more. Pop up there, lay down, and cross your right ankle over your left knee.”

When I lay down, my entire pelvis should be an inch closer to the ground than it is, and I mention it to her.

Doctor: “That’s normal if this last one gives us a positive sign. When I push down on your right knee here, is there—”

Me: “Pain?! Yes. Yes, there is.”

Doctor: “Positive sign! With how long you’ve let this go, it may be too tight for me to fix this here without you doing some home stretches first, but I’ll give it a shot if you’d like?”

Me: “Please, yes. Anything. Feed me to a lion if it would make this stop hurting so much.”

The doctor moves my left leg off the table to hang down the side and shifts my body so my hip also hangs off and instructs me to push up against her downward force on my left knee. My pelvic area makes an ungodly loud cracking sound that can probably be heard in the lobby as it feels like my entire pelvis drops down that missing inch. I fully expect extreme pain.

Me: “AAAGH— Oh, hang on.”

I sit up without difficulty.

Me: “Holy crap. It’s a little sore, but holy crap! You’re a miracle worker! What did you do?! I could kiss you right now!”

Doctor: *Laughing* “I put your sacroiliac joint back in alignment. It’s common for women to have problems with it, though it’s usually after childbirth or an impact accident like a car crash.”

Me: “Yeesh, no chance of that here, and I’ve never been in a wreck.”

Doctor: “Well, it’s unusual, but long periods of sitting in some positions can stress the ligaments and allow the joint to move out of alignment bit by bit. Please, if it ever starts to flare up again, don’t wait so long to come in! It should be manageable with targeted stretching exercises, and I’ll grab you our printout of the ones that should help, but don’t let it get this out of control next time!”

The next day, after a very good night’s sleep, I wrote two letters: one to the head of the clinic commending the doctor for her quick diagnosis and solution, and another to the doctor herself thanking her profusely for taking me seriously right off the bat and being so delightfully friendly during the whole appointment, despite it being a last-minute walk-in. I delivered them with snacks and chocolates for the staff and thoroughly enjoyed showing them how I could once again move without pain. I had to leave their practice once I aged out earlier this year, but I’ve never had a better experience with any other doctor.

A Sudden Jab Of Terror
CHILDREN, MEDICAL OFFICE, MISSOURI, NURSES, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 29, 2021
When I was around five or six, I was at the doctor’s office for a checkup. I knew I would be receiving an injection, and I was terrified of needles. My mother stepped outside of the room with the doctor while we waited for the nurse to come by with the shot.

There was a slight knock on the door and a nurse popped her head in.

Nurse: “Hi! I just need to grab something real quick.”

And she proceeded to pull out the biggest needle I’d ever seen in my short life! I screamed bloody murder.

My mother and the doctor came running back into the room to find the nurse frantically trying to calm me down, but I refused to even let her touch me. The nurse showed the doctor the needle.

Nurse: “I didn’t mean to scare anyone! I feel horrible.”

After the nurse left, my doctor sat down with me.

Doctor: “That needle is meant for more difficult patients and it does hurt, but you are getting the regular-sized needle that hurts much less.”

I later learned the nurse’s needle was for bone marrow aspiration. I received my injection with no complaint.

Those Customers Will Have You In Stitches
BIGOTRY, HEALTH & BODY, IOWA, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, RETAIL, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 27, 2021
I work in a doctor’s office that happens to be located inside a big box retailer. A few days ago, I had three punch biopsies done. The bandage on my shoulder blade feels weird, so I have a coworker check it for me.

An older and very condescending customer walks up and sees the bandage.

Customer: “You young people and your tattoos!”

For the record, I’m forty-five.

Customer: “What did you get, your latest boyfriend’s name? Or something else you’ll regret later in life?”

I choose my words carefully.

Me: “I have stitches on my shoulder blade from a punch biopsy to see if I have melanoma from multiple horrific sunburns in my youth. Would you like to see them?”

Don’t know why, but she walked away.

If You’ve Got Urine There, You’ve Got Bigger Problems
COLORADO, DENVER, FUNNY, HEALTH & BODY, HOME, NON-DIALOGUE, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 25, 2021
I’ve been diagnosed with a urinary tract infection, so I am taking an antibiotic as well as pills to lessen the discomfort when urinating. I carefully read every word on the package.

This particular medication turns your urine bright orange which, the package sweetly says, will permanently stain clothes, washcloths, rugs, wood floors, and… contact lenses!

What A Bunny Misunderstanding
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, EL PASO, FUNNY, RESTAURANT, TEXAS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 23, 2021
This happened when I was in high school in the 1970s. We had just finished our production of “Harvey” and had gone to the local twenty-four-hour chain restaurant. We were all still in costume and, as I played the sanitarium assistant, I was wearing what appeared to be medical-type clothing. As I walked into the restaurant, a little behind my fellow cast members, a guy came up to me.

Guy: “Is everyone in the accident all right?”

I had no clue why he asked me that, so I just looked at him and said:

Me: “I don’t know.”

And I went to join everybody.

As I sat down, I noticed that there were cops and an ambulance a few blocks down the street. That’s when it hit me: he thought I was a real ambulance attendant!

I can only imagine what he thought, a first responder going into a restaurant when there were injured people to deal with. My other thought was, “I’m sixteen; do I look like an adult to you?”

My fellow cast members thought it was funny.

Not Allergic To A Sunny Disposition!
BEACH, CALIFORNIA, HEALTH & BODY, JERK, STRANGERS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 21, 2021
I have a blood disorder called EPP; basically, I’m allergic to the sun. I’m sitting in a tent on the beach to shelter myself. Two girls who look about fourteen or fifteen see me — age ten — with my gloves, sunscreen, and huge sun hat.

Girl #1 : “Hi. Why are you in a tent?”

Girl #2 : “Yeah, can’t you just go inside?”

Me: “My family is here; I don’t wanna just leave. The sun and I aren’t friends.”

Girl #1 : “Well, why are you wearing gloves in a tent? Go outside!”

Me: “I’m allergic.”

Girl #2 : “To going outside? That’s dumb.”

Me: “No! I’m allergic to the sun.”

Both girls are starting to get annoyed, even though I’m not lying and they are the ones who decided to talk to me.

Girl #1 : “That’s not a real allergy.”

Girl #2 : “Yeah, stop lying!”

Me: “It is real, and I’m just glad you don’t have it.”

I went back to playing with my little cards and they walked away.

After that, my mom kept telling me that story because she thought it was really nice how I didn’t actually react in an aggressive way. Even though they were being rude I didn’t wish my allergy on them. I know some people are dealing with some crazy allergies; you aren’t alone!

We’re Not Kitten; You’re A Hero!
AWESOME, CANADA, INSPIRATIONAL, NON-DIALOGUE, ONTARIO, PET BOARDING/PET HOTEL, PETS & ANIMALS | HEALTHY | APRIL 19, 2021
I’m a Registered Veterinary Technician running my own pet sitting and dog walking business. I’m on day two of a three-day overnight pet sit at a breeder’s home with cats and dogs and it’s a long weekend for Easter. There are currently three six-and-a-half-week-old kittens running about creating havoc and general kitten mischief.

I have to drive back into town to care for my own pets and take a quick shower. Shortly after returning to the client’s home, I hear faint distressed meowing coming from down the hallway. I go to investigate, opening some of the bedrooms to check to make sure I didn’t lock a kitten in when letting the dogs in and out of their rooms.

I get to the master bedroom and find a bunch of the cats peeking under the bed, and the meowing is coming from underneath it. I get down and look and find one of the kittens wrapped up in some fabric that had been torn from the bottom of the box spring. I reach under to try to unwrap her, but she’s halfway under and I can barely reach or see her and it feels like the fabric is wrapped around a leg. I crawl back out and rush to the kitchen to grab a pair of scissors to try to cut her out with.

On my way back, I hear her give one more strained cry and fall silent. I rush over to the side of the bed and get down, ready to reach back under, only to be face to face with an angry hissing momma cat. Fearing more for the kitten than myself, I plead with her not to scratch my face and reach under. The kitten has gone limp. In a panic, I realize that there is no way I am going to be able to maneuver the scissors to cut the fabric and instead grab a handful of the fabric close to the boxspring and pull. I don’t know if it’s adrenaline or if the fabric is just frayed enough, but I manage to rip the fabric from the bed and pull the kitten out.

She’s still not moving or breathing, and I see that the fabric is wrapped tightly around her little neck. I manage to get the scissors between the fabric and cut it. Even with the fabric removed from her neck, she still is not breathing, and I begin CPR and mouth to mouth. After a minute of compressions and breaths, she starts coughing and moving sluggishly. I scoop her up and rush to put her in a carrier while getting the emergency vet number and also trying to reach my client over the phone.

We don’t have an emergency vet that stays open up here; instead, the clinics rotate who is on call each day and you have to wait for them to call you back. While waiting, I keep monitoring the kitten, and she slowly starts to move around and be aware of her surroundings.

Finally, after twenty minutes, the vet calls me back and we go through an assessment over the phone to determine if I should bring her in. By then, the kitten is acting as if nothing happened beyond being a bit quiet, and it is decided that she will be okay.

And that is how I saved the life of a six-and-a-half-week-old kitten by knowing how to perform CPR on pets. Happy Pet First Aid Month, everyone! If you have pets, please consider enrolling in a class that will teach you Pet CPR and First Aid; you never know when it may save a tiny life.

Make Your Bloodwork Work For You
HEALTH & BODY, MEDICAL OFFICE, MEMPHIS, NON-DIALOGUE, OFFICE, STUPID, TENNESSEE, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 15, 2021
I have a coworker who brags about never answering her phone if she doesn’t recognize the number. I’m not sure what the big deal is; if it’s a telemarketer just hang up. Also, she says she never listens to voicemails because if it’s important they’ll call back.

Recently, she went to her doctor on a Friday because she had been feeling terrible for a while. The doctor took bloodwork and she went home.

The doctor’s office then spent the rest of the weekend trying to call her and tell her to go to the emergency room based on her test results. However, she didn’t recognize the number so she didn’t answer it.

Finally, they were able to call her next of kin, and he called her to go to the ER.

Put Your Foot In Your Mouth And We’ll Never Touch It Again
BAD BEHAVIOR, INSTANT KARMA, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, REDDIT | HEALTHY | CREDIT: SUBJECTDELTA28 | APRIL 13, 2021
I work at a podiatrist’s office as an X-ray tech. Most of our patients are elderly and are near and dear to my heart — the kind of people who are like second grandparents to you whose feet you happen to be very acquainted with. Then there’s patients like this woman.

[Patient] is that kind of woman who’s sickly sweet to your face and then complains to your superiors like you killed her puppy. We dread looking at the schedule to see her name on the daily patient appointment list. Some of my coworkers have flat-out REFUSED to take her back to a patient room and get vital signs, prep her room, etc. Everyone at my office has a [Patient] story. It’s practically a rite of passage.

She has been coming to our office for about three years. In my own personal experience with her, she acts kind to my face but slightly entitled. She once complained to my doctor about something I did, and to be honest, it was so mundane that neither I nor the doctor she complained to — who owns our practice — took it seriously. The doctor told the patient she’d speak to me about it and told me, “Oh, [Patient] complained about you, [My Name], but she complains about everyone.”

When she didn’t get the proper reaction that she expected from the doctor, she then tried to call a day or so later and speak to our office manager. My coworker picked up the phone and spoke to her. She had the NERVE to say, “I don’t want to get anyone in trouble, but I think it needs to be addressed.” Lady, you went out of your way TWICE to complain about me. You wanted me to get in trouble.

On to the main event: [Patient] FINALLY gets her comeuppance.

I am on maternity leave when this happens, so this is second-hand from my coworker.

[Patient] comes into the office in apparently a very foul mood — more so than usual, anyway. One of our nurses calls [Patient] back to a room three minutes after her scheduled appointment time. [Patient] proceeds to contradict all of the nurse’s questions and information out of spite.

For example:

Nurse #1 : “[Patient], your blood pressure is 142/90.”

Patient: “That’s not right. My blood pressure is usually 140/80.”

[Nurse #1 ] is an older woman and is over the years of [Patient]’s bulls***, so she merely says:

Nurse #1 : “Okay then.”

Then, when the doctor comes in, [Patient] starts making demands.

Patient: “You have to give me an injection! My feet hurt and you’re going to fix it now.”

The doctor’s policy is that these injections, which can help with certain types of foot pain, are a once-in-every-three-months deal, and if something stronger is needed, they’ll look at physical therapy, so they don’t just throw pain pills at you. [Patient] had her injection about one week ago and has constantly refused physical therapy despite having no valid or medical reason to not go. She is very lazy and just wants a solution NOW; she doesn’t want to correct things in her life that would easily stop the problem for good, instead of temporarily.

Then, [Patient] demands new diabetic shoes. Normally, we do offer this service with [Nurse #2 ], who is the only one with the certification to take the measurements for these shoes. However, [Patient] burned that bridge a long time ago because she repeatedly treated [Nurse #2 ] like garbage and called her a b****. [Nurse #2 ] refused to measure her ever again long ago.

Knowing this, the doctor tells [Patient] that she will send orders for new diabetic shoes to another company we work with. But [Patient] doesn’t WANT shoes from them. She wants them from US. The doctor doesn’t want to throw [Nurse #2 ] under the bus, so she simply tells her that we’re not offering diabetic shoes from our office at this time. [Patient] keeps getting angrier but has no choice but to accept defeat.

She goes to our receptionist’s window and pays with a credit card.

Receptionist: “Would you like your receipt?”

Patient: “Ugh, no! Why would I want that?”

She then proceeds to stomp on out to her car. Three minutes later, she calls our receptionist from the parking lot.

Patient: *Angry* “You need to print me off a receipt for our transaction today! Why wasn’t I given one?!”

Receptionist: “Ma’am, I offered it to you before you left. I can send it to you in the mail or you can pick it up from our office at your convenience.”

Patient: “You did not offer me my receipt! I’m in the parking lot; you need to bring it out to me now!”

Receptionist: “Ma’am, you can come back inside and get it or I can send it to you in the mail. I can’t leave my desk as I’m the only receptionist in the office today.”

Patient: “You have to bring it out to me now! My legs hurt and I can’t walk in there!”

This is crap; she just walked out of the building just fine and had no leg injuries.

Then, [Patient] just starts yelling about how she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this and how someone needs to bring her the receipt NOW, and so on. It’s so loud that [Nurse #2 ] can hear [Patient] yelling on the phone from several feet away.

Nurse #2 : “Is that [Patient]?”

Receptionist: “It is.”

Nurse #2 : “Give me the phone; I’ll handle this.” *Into the phone* “Hello, this is [Nurse #2 ]. How can I help you?”

Patient: *Yelling* “You need to bring me my receipt now. My legs hurt and you need to bring it now! I should have been offered it in the first place when I checked out! This is ridiculous. You’re all incompetent! Bring it to me now!”

Nurse #2 : “Ma’am, your legs seemed to be working just fine when you walked out of the office. Now, you can either come in and get your paper yourself or we can mail it to you.”

[Patient] starts yelling incoherently, repeatedly calling [Nurse #2 ] a b****, etc.

Nurse #2 : “You have a nice day ma’am.” *Hangs up*

[Nurse #2 ] told me how great it felt to just call [Patient] out on her bulls*** and it was so satisfying to hear about. But it gets BETTER! Apparently, the doctor that was working that day had overheard [Patient] yelling on the phone and was NOT having the way [Patient] treated the entire staff. She told our other doctor — the one that owns the practice — and they agreed that they would dismiss her from the practice.

The rest of my workdays are looking a lot more [Patient]-less every day I go in.

Childish Mistakes
GERMANY, HOSPITAL, JERK, NURSES | HEALTHY | APRIL 11, 2021
A few weeks ago, I had to have a hysterectomy. I have no children, never wanted children, and am almost too old to have them. Also, if I can now live my life free of period pains, I’m all for it. But I know that it is a sensitive issue for many women.

While wheeling me along to the operation, the male nurse asks:

Nurse #1 : “Do you have kids?”

Me: “No.”

Nurse #1 : “Me, neither. It is really sad. A life without children isn’t really worthwhile.”

Dude, don’t tell this to a woman about to have her womb taken out.

Later, when they take me for a scan, a nurse says:

Nurse #2 : “So, you’ve just given birth, right?”

Me: “No. No, I haven’t.”

When I talked to my gynecologist, she was flabbergasted. And rightly so. I mean, it wasn’t a big deal for me. But really, maybe be more sensitive next time.

Fresh Tomatoes Are Really Exciting
BIZARRE, CANADA, FUNNY, GROCERY STORE, HEALTH & BODY, ONTARIO, RUDE & RISQUE, TORONTO | HEALTHY | APRIL 8, 2021
Many years ago, I was shopping in a Canadian grocery store. As I wandered down the veg aisle, a lady in front of me started making weird, guttural noises. Then, her knees went all funny and I leapt in, caught her, and helped her to a bench.

Her face was red and she was sweating and, having just finished my first ever first aid course, I was sure she was having a seizure, so I checked her pulse — rapid — and prepared to call her an ambulance. But as I went to rush off, she grabbed my sleeve and told me not to.

I tried to explain that she was having a seizure and that she needed help.

I. Was. Wrong.

And this woman was so embarrassed that she accidentally told me the truth.

A friend of hers had given her something called a “love egg” and told her that it would give her a mild “happy” while she did the groceries. Instead, she went full O-face in the salad aisle. That explained the noises she was trying to suppress and that was why her knees had failed.

I was barely twenty at the time and had no idea what to do so I got her a glass of water and legged it. I hope that she learned from this experience, but I’m also kind of jealous; I mean, I have never once, in all my years, enjoyed a shopping trip that much.

Routine Ultra-Stupidity
BILLING, HOSPITAL, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 5, 2021
I am pregnant, and I’m sent for a routine ultrasound. I’m considered a low-risk, routine maternity case. The place where I’ve gone for ultrasounds in previous pregnancies is completely booked up, so when I go to schedule, they say they’ll just schedule me with the other ultrasound office in the building.

After I get the ultrasound, the bill arrives, and it is orders of magnitude higher than what it has been in the past… approximately nine times higher. My insurance company refuses to pay that amount of money, and it gets kicked back to me.

I call the insurance company and ask why they didn’t cover the ultrasound and am told that the ultrasound was billed as an ultrasound for a high-risk pregnancy but I am not a high-risk patient. So, I call the ultrasound office.

Me: “I’m trying to figure out a solution here. It seems that the ultrasound was billed as for a high-risk pregnancy, but I’m not a high-risk patient, so insurance rejected it.”

Clinic: “Oh, but that’s because we’re the high-risk office, so your doctor wanted a high-risk scan.”

Me: “I was sent to you because the other office was booked. They told me that you were covering their overflow because you had space.”

Clinic: “Yes, we agreed to alleviate some of their scheduling issues.”

Me: “So, you knew I wasn’t high-risk. Why did you do the high-risk scan?”

Clinic: “Oh, we didn’t do the high-risk scan because you aren’t a high-risk patient.”

Me: “So, why did you bill me for a high-risk scan?”

Clinic: “Because we’re specialists. We specialize in high-risk perinatal care.”

Me: “But you were just covering for the other office, right?”

Clinic: “Yes. But you can’t expect us to not be paid what we’re worth, can you?”

Me: “But you didn’t do the high-risk scan, right?”

Clinic: “No, but if we’d seen anything high-risk, we would have been able to tell you because we’re highly-trained. You have to pay for our higher training.”

Me: “So, if a surgeon who is capable of a kidney transplant gives you stitches, you should have to pay for a kidney transplant?”

Clinic: “You got a higher level of care here, so you have to pay for that higher level of care.”

Me: “I’m just lost for words here.”

Seven And A Half, Apparently
IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, TEXAS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 1, 2021
I work for a dermatology office that is temporarily renting an office inside a cardiology company, and we even share a waiting room with one of their doctors. I’m used to their patients coming to my window, but most notice the signs around the window that notify everyone we are a dermatology office. I’m still baffled how this lady didn’t get the clue.

She comes up and taps on the glass, right on the sign that says, “Please Do Not Tap On Glass.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Lady: “I don’t understand some of this wording.”

She places a clipboard with cardiology new patient forms on it in front of me.

Me: “Oh, I don’t—”

Lady: “What’s a triple bypass?”

Me: “You should probably—”

Lady: “Do I need to mark any surgeries, too? I haven’t had any. What do I mark here?”

Me: “I don’t know. I work for the derm—”

Lady: “How many of these do I need to mark here?”

Me: “I don’t know. This is—”

Lady: “And what is hypertension?”

Me: “High blood pressure. And this is the wrong office.”

Lady: “How do I know if I have high blood pressure?”

Me: “I think you need to ask the other window over there.”

Lady: “What’s a PCP?”

Me: *Sighs* “I don’t know.”

I do but I’m tired of being ignored.

Lady: “What about tachybradia?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Lady: “How do I find out if I had a tachybradia?”

Me: “I don’t know. This is [Doctor’s] office. Not cardiology.”

Lady: “Am I going to get a stress test today?”

Me: “I don’t know. This isn’t cardiology.”

Lady: “If I get a stress test, do I need my husband to do anything for me?”

Me: “I don’t know. This isn’t cardiology.”

Lady: “Why don’t you know anything?”

Me: “Because this isn’t the cardiology office.”

I point to the specialty sign for our office right in front of her.

Lady: “Oh. I need to use the restroom. Let me in.”

Me: “Sure. Go to the second door and I’ll let you through.”

She walks over to the actual cardiology window instead so they can buzz her through. Since she forgot her paperwork, I carry it over to their window and explain that she has some questions.

Cardiology: “Yeah, we heard her from over here. You had more patience than we would have. How many times did she need to hear, ‘I don’t know,’ before she got a clue?”

Someone Needs Some Coffee (Hold The Sugar)
MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, PENNSYLVANIA, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | MARCH 28, 2021
At my medical office, we sometimes loan out glucose meters to new diabetic patients. They come with all the supplies and an instruction sheet, and I’m always careful to point out the “Error Messages” section: a series of codes that indicate problems like low battery, not enough specimen on the strip, etc. They then call in after the first few days of checking.

A patient calls in to report her blood sugar numbers.

Patient: “The first morning, when I woke up, it was 103.”

Me: “Okay, that sounds okay.”

Patient: “And then, after breakfast, it was 103.”

Me: “Huh, okay.”

Patient: “And then, after lunch, it was 103.”

Me: “Ma’am, were all your blood sugars 103?”

Patient: “Yes! I thought that was kind of odd, but that’s what it said.”

Me: “Can you turn the monitor on? Does it still say the same thing?”

Patient: “Yes, that’s all it’s ever said.”

Me: “Can you rotate it so it’s upside down?”

Patient: “Ohhhhhh, could it be E01? I wondered why the [Brand] was upside down!”

After a new battery, all was well.