The Century Will Be All Downhill From Here

California, home, Love/Romance, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 18, 2018


(It’s January 2, 2001, and it’s the start of a new year, a new decade, and a new century. My wife and I have just finished enjoying “marital relations.”)

Me: “So! Best sex you’ve had this century?”

Wife: “You bet!”

The Century Will Be All Downhill From Here

California, home, Love/Romance, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 18, 2018


(It’s January 2, 2001, and it’s the start of a new year, a new decade, and a new century. My wife and I have just finished enjoying “marital relations.”)

Me: “So! Best sex you’ve had this century?”

Wife: “You bet!”

You’re All Just Numbers To Them

Costa Rica, Dating, Flirting, Jerk, Text/Chat/Email | Romantic | January 17, 2018


(I am talking to a guy on [Dating App]. After a good while of talking:)

Guy: “Wow! We have so much in common. You are the perfect woman. Smart, beautiful… May I ask what your height is?”

Me: “Sure. I’m 1m, 53cm tall.”

Guy: Awww. Almost perfect. Oh, well, I usually like taller women, but I can try to overlook your defect.”

(I obviously tell him off and never speak to him again, until, on a different social media platform:)

Guy: “Hi! I saw your pictures and I think we have a lot in common. Can we talk and get to know each other?”

(Is he for real?!)

Death Becomes Her, Part 2

home | ME, USA | Romantic | June 10, 2012


(My girlfriend of two years and I are sitting together in her living room talking about our future plans in life.)

Girlfriend: “What would you do if I died?”

Me: “Hide the body, and destroy the evidence.”

Death Becomes Her, Part 3

Text/Chat/Email | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Romantic | October 26, 2013


(My boyfriend and I are texting.)

Boyfriend: “I plan on being with you when you die.”

Me: “Aw!”

Boyfriend: “…holding the knife.”

Me: “…”

Death Becomes Her, Part 5

British Columbia, Canada, Grocery Store, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Vancouver | Romantic | January 16, 2018


(I am checking out a married couple at my till. It is just about sunset.)

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Husband: “Good.” *looks at wife* “She hasn’t killed me yet.”

Wife: *chuckling* “The day’s not over yet, honey.”



Related:

When You’re Planning On Dating Sheldon Cooper

Coworkers, Dating, England, London, Love/Romance, Pub, Silly, UK | Romantic | January 15, 2018


(I am sat next to my male colleague, who I’m quite good friends with. I’m female and have recently realised I’m bi. I am complaining to him about my new discovery that I am terrible at chatting up women, when I realise that he has a girlfriend and ask him for tips. Note that we’re both lawyers. We chat for a bit about what he used to do and then…)

Colleague: “I think now… Okay, so, I guess if it was now, you’d want to just talk to her. And then you agree that it’s exclusive, so you know the terms you stand on.”

Me: “Are you suggesting I make her sign an exclusivity agreement?”

Colleague: “Bring it on the first date.”

Me: “That’ll go down well.”

Colleague: “Make sure you include all the relevant warranties.”

Me: “To the best of my knowledge and belief, I am not dating anyone else?”

Colleague: “Schedule five contains a list of all former relationships.”

Me: “A list of all ex-lovers who might want to kill me.”

Colleague: “Let’s go for material relationships; that’ll do it.”

Me: “Do I stick indemnities in there, as well? Like, in the event of a break up, you will indemnify me for the cost of all gifts over a certain amount?”

Colleague: “Couldn’t hurt. You see, this will be very romantic.”

Me: “Yup. Do we have to give notice to terminate?”

Colleague: “No, we’ll go for at-will.”

Me: “Very American. Also sensible.”

Colleague: “Oh, but in the event of a material breach…”

Me: “You have to remedy within ten days?”

Colleague: “Yes!”

Me: “You know, when I asked you for help, I wasn’t expecting you to advise I bring a 100-page legal document with me.”

Colleague: “Well, it could just be heads of terms. So, not binding.”

Me: “Like a lesser version of a prenup?”

Colleague: “If you keep adding terms, though, you know what it’ll be?”

Me: “…what?”

Colleague: “A relationship agreement!”

Me: “…”

Colleague: “What?”

Me: “That’s terrible.”

Colleague: “It’s true, though. It’s an agreement that governs the relationship between two parties. A relationship agreement!”

Me: “This is the last time I ask you for advice on dating.”

(For the record, the other lawyers sitting around us slowly edged away during this conversation…)

Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 13

Park | Czech Republic | Romantic | June 23, 2015


(I am walking, and having great time, with my boyfriend, who is a big nerd. We walk along a river and I am telling a joke about a scientist who wants to impress a girl on first date.)

Me: “…and she says, ‘Okay, explain this: A cow, a horse, and a deer all eat grass, right? So why does a cow makes those large wet cakes, a horse poops those horse donuts, and a deer makes those small round droppings?’ The man says: ‘Uh, I do not know.’ And she says: ‘What kind of conversation do you hope for, when you don’t know s***!'”

Boyfriend: *thousand-yard stare, deep in thought* “Well, a cow is a cud-chewing animal, while a horse is not, that is definitely a factor… And a deer is wild animal, meaning it must make hard, dry droppings, to conserve water, because the wolves always wait near watering places…” *suddenly looks at me and focuses* “…Uh, but you wanted me to laugh, right?”

Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 14

home | Cupertino, CA, USA | Romantic | January 28, 2016


(My partner and I have been called notoriously unromantic by our friends, though I can’t imagine why. We’re cuddling on the couch when this happens.)

Me: “Can we stay together forever?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “What? Why not?”

Him: “Well, even if we were buried together, someday the earth will be destroyed, and all the atoms would scatter…”

Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 15

home | FL, USA | Romantic | June 16, 2016


(I have a girlfriend whom I only get to see about once a month due to distance. When together, one of the things we do is catch up on Big Bang Theory on the DVR. Usually I “drive” the remote and fast-forward through the commercials, trying to hit “play” again right before the show resumes. Often there’s a pattern to what types of commercials happen in what order, but this pattern had apparently recently changed, and so I’m not hitting “play” in the right places.)

Me: “Usually I can hit the end of the commercials right on, but it seems like they’ve changed the pattern they use to program them. That’s not right.”

(Pause.)

Me: “I just sounded disturbingly like Sheldon right now, didn’t I?”

Girlfriend: “Yes, and I’m ignoring you just like Leonard.”

Crochet Away

Bizarre, Craft Store, Employees, Harassment, Jerk, UK | Romantic | January 14, 2018


(I come up to the checkout with a few bundles of yarn and a crochet needle.)

Cashier: “Ooh, you crochet?”

Me: “Not really. My mum made a lot of my clothes as a toddler. I thought I’d challenge myself and see how hard it is.”

Cashier: “That’s nice.”

(She scans my items.)

Cashier: “So, my brother’s single, and he’s looking for a boyfriend.”

Me: *not really paying attention* “Is he?”

Cashier: “So…?”

Me: “Card, please.”

Cashier: “No, silly! My brother.”

Me: “What about him?”

Cashier: “Are you interested?”

Me: “Not really. I have a wife and kids.”

Cashier: “You aren’t a very convincing straight man, coming in here and buying your pretty things! I clocked the man-obsession the second you walked in.”

(I start walking to the exit.)

Cashier: *practically screaming* “Wait, don’t you want your things?”

Me: “I’ll look elsewhere, thanks.”

Cashier: “COME BACK ANYTIME! AND LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU COME OUT. MY BROTHER WILL STILL BE SINGLE!”

(I looked elsewhere, and in the end managed to make a decent looking beanie. My wife immediately stole it. I didn’t even get the chance to try it on.)

Keeping Him Rice And Happy

British Columbia, Canada, Golden Years, Marriage & Partners, Mill Bay | Romantic | January 12, 2018


(This is a story from my grandmother. When she marries my grandfather, in the late 1940s, she asks him about all the foods he likes so she can make them for him. She asks him if he likes rice, and he says he does. So one meal, she makes chicken and rice.)

Grandad: “Rice? No potatoes?”

Nana: “But you said you liked rice!”

Grandad: “I meant rice pudding!”

(For the next sixty years she always made meat dishes with potatoes. After he died, she had rice with her chicken.)

The Merry Adventures Of Mr. Plow

Convenience Store, Harassment, Language & Words, Massachusetts, Rude & Risque, USA | Romantic | January 12, 2018


(I, a twenty-three year old woman, work third shift at a gas station, alone. It is the first major snowfall of the season and everybody who owns a plow is out there. A guy in his thirties comes in to buy a soda and cigarettes.)

Me: *after I scan them* “Anything else?”

Customer: *handing me the money* “A plowing partner.”

(As I’m putting it in the drawer, I suddenly wonder if he wasn’t talking about clearing snow. I decide to ignore the comment as I hand him his change. Apparently he also rethought his words.)

Customer: “I just realized that might have come off the wrong way…”

(I reassured him I knew what he meant, but that accidental suggestive comment actually made my night.)

She Will Tell You Valentine’s And Time Again

Advice, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Colorado, Retail, USA | Romantic | January 11, 2018


(My long-term boyfriend and I are regulars at a comic book shop, and often talk with the staff while we browse. On this day, there’s a young man and a younger woman working.)

Young Man: “My girlfriend’s birthday is just a few days after Valentine’s Day. February is a real minefield for me.”

Me: “Sorry to hear that. I find it so much easier to not focus on arbitrary dates like that. Huh, baby?”

Boyfriend: “What’s that?”

Me: “We don’t worry about Valentine’s Day, do we?”

Boyfriend: “No, thank god.”

Young Woman: “You have to be careful about that.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Young Woman: “Well, I mean, I tell my boyfriend I don’t really care, but of course I do care.”

Me: “What? Then why tell him you don’t care?”

Young Woman: “Because he should know.”

Me: “You… expect him to read your mind? I really don’t get this.”

Young Woman: *impatiently* “I’m a girl! Of course I care!”

Me: “I’m a girl. I don’t care.”

Young Woman: “Well, you have to be careful about believing that! We all care!”

Me: “I am standing here saying that I don’t care. You’re not hearing it second hand from [Boyfriend]. I don’t care.”

Young Woman: “Yeah, right, you won’t dump him if he just skips Valentine’s Day.”

Me: “We have been together for five years. We’ve skipped every Valentine’s Day. I. Don’t. Care.”

Young Woman: “Well, you really have to be careful about that. I would dump my boyfriend if he skipped Valentine’s Day after I told him I didn’t care about it.”

Me: “Oh, my god! You’re the reason women are stereotyped as unreasonable! Thanks a lot for that! Is it really so frickin’ hard to just say what you mean?”

Young Woman: “He should know!”

Me: *to Boyfriend* “Don’t you dare get me anything this year.”

Boyfriend: “I was thinking of getting you a new tablet sometime this month. If you want to call that a Valentine’s gift, we can.”

Me: “No, let’s not call it anything. But that’s very very sweet; I do need a new one.”

Boyfriend: “Okay, want to go look at tablets?”

Me: “I love you.”

Young Woman: *as we’re leaving* “Don’t believe it! She wants jewelry!”

Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 67

home | NJ, USA | Romantic | August 3, 2016


(After reading previous posts on this site, I decide to ask my wife “The Question.”)

Me: “What would you do if I became a zombie?”

Wife: *with no hesitation* “I’d shoot you in the face.”

Me: *slightly taken aback* “Specifically the face? Not just the head?”

Wife: “No, the face.”

Me: “So if you shot me in the back of the head, that wouldn’t be good enough?”

Wife: “No, because after I shoot you in the back of the head, I’d need to shoot you in the face to make sure you were dead.”

Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 69

home | Salisbury, England, UK | Romantic | September 11, 2016


(My girlfriend and I are lying in bed one morning and I decide to pop the question.)

Me: “What would you do if I became a zombie?”

Girlfriend: “Well, I’d make sure that you were a good zombie but if you weren’t I’d put you in a cage but if you got really bad I’d shoot you.”

Me: “Fair enough. If you turned I’d let you bite me ‘cause I know you like to win. Then I’d shoot you myself.”

Girlfriend: “I didn’t know we could do that!”

Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 70

home | Portland, OR, USA | Romantic | October 8, 2016


(My boyfriend and I are chatting in bed before going to sleep. I hate the whole zombie apocalypse culture, and can’t stand the “what would you do if I got turned into a zombie?” stories. My boyfriend has just told me he loves zombie apocalypse stuff.)

Boyfriend: “So, what would you do if I got turned into a zombie?”

Me: *instantly* “I’d bludgeon you to death with the nearest hard object. Shut up.”

Boyfriend: “Oh…” *sounds disappointed*

Me: “Okay, fine. I give in. What would you do if I got turned into a zombie?”

Boyfriend: “I’d bludgeon you.”

Me: “With what?”

Boyfriend: “With my penis!”

Me: “You would have to be hard in order to bludgeon me with that. So you’re saying you’d be aroused by zombie me?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, absolutely! Dead vaginas are the best. Mmmmm.”

Me: “You’re disgusting. This is so going on the Internet.”

Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 71

home, Marriage & Partners, Minnesota, USA, Zombies | Romantic | January 10, 2018


(I asked my wife the question. I was raised in the South and went hunting a lot.)

Me: “What would you do if I was bitten by a zombie?”

Wife: “Logically, I’d shoot you. But in reality I have no idea.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I’d shoot you, but I’m better with guns than you are.”

Wife: “This is true. Eh, we’re together enough that we’d probably be bitten at the same time, anyway.”

Me: “Fair enough.”

The Case Of The Two-Dollar Punch

Australia, home, Marriage & Partners | Romantic | January 9, 2018


(My partner and I are getting out of bed to start the day. I’ve been a sleep-walker/talker since childhood, though it’s rarer now that I’m older.)

Partner: “Do you remember waking me up last night?”

Me: “What? Well, I guess. I needed a drink around four. Sorry I woke you.”

Partner: “No, earlier than that. You punched me in the back.”

Me: “What?!”

Partner: “Yeah, you hit me, and when I rolled over to ask why, you looked me right in the face and said—” *drops his voice to a creepy whisper* “—’twoooooo dollar.'”

Me: “…”

Partner: “Then you rolled over and went back to sleep.”

Me: “No. No, I do not remember that.”

Partner: “I’m going to get a security camera or something set up in here one of these days, just to record the creepy s*** your unconscious a** says.”

Italian Stereotypes Needs A Dressing

Marriage & Partners | Romantic | January 8, 2018


(We decide to go try a new Italian restaurant for dinner. We walk in and it’s the most stereotypical “Italian restaurant” decor I’ve ever actually seen in real life. There are plastic grapes stapled to the walls two inches from us. Red, white, and green paint. Canvasses with pictures of Italy on the walls. The restaurant literally has the word Italy in their name. We’re ordering our dinner and everything is going fine until:)

Server: “And for you?”

Husband: “I’ll do the cheesy gnocchi.”

Server: “And what kind of dressing for your salad?”

Husband: “Um… do you have Italian?”

Server: “Yup! I’ll get that right in!”

Me: “Babe. I’m pretty sure they have ITALIAN dressing.”

Husband: “…I’m tired!”