Will Have To Scour The Deepest Amazon For It

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Georgia, home, Language & Words, Silly, Stockbridge, USA | Romantic | February 7, 2018


(My boyfriend and I have discovered that one of our favorite independent movies has been removed from our movie-streaming network. We tend to joke around a lot and feign being overly dramatic.)

Boyfriend: “I guess we’ll just have to find it on DVD, or something. We’ll probably have to find it in some obscure, faraway shop, or we might have to battle to the death in some distant, foreign country to get it.”

Me: *wide eyes and gasps* “Yeah, like somewhere called…” *pause, pronounces strained and incorrectly* “…Ama-zoh-n!”

We’ll Always Have The Thought Of Paris

Book Store, Flirting, Pennsylvania, USA | Romantic | February 6, 2018


(I am about eight months pregnant. I’m carrying small, and from the back, if you can’t see my belly, I don’t look pregnant at all. Plus, my body is giving me a pregnancy advantage: cleavage. To top it all off, my hair and skin have never looked better. I’m sitting behind my desk, working Friday evening store hours, when another bookstore owner, who is also a customer of ours, comes in. I haven’t met him before, but my store owner tells me he’s recently divorced — and a big flirt, which is one of the things that led to his divorce.)

Customer: “I’m going to fly to Paris next weekend!”

Me: “That sounds terrific! Have a wonderful time.”

Customer: “Have you ever been to Paris?”

Me: “No, I haven’t.”

Customer: “You should come to Paris with me! I’ve been several times. I’ll show you all the sights! It’s a beautiful city; very romantic. We’ll have a fabulous time.” *sits on the front edge of my desk, leaning in suggestively*

Me: “Oh, I don’t think so. My doctor says it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to fly. I’m not even able to go to Israel later this month with my husband.”

(I push my chair back to get some space from him and stand up.)

Customer: *awkward pause, and then turns to my boss* “Are the bindings still up on the second floor?”

He’s Got Nothing Going On

Coffee Shop, Florida, Harassment, Jerk, Tampa, USA | Romantic | February 5, 2018


(I’m in line at a coffee shop. I don’t typically like much more than basic iced coffee, but it’s been a crappy week, so I decide to treat myself to a blended, iced mocha drink. As I’m waiting for my drink, the guy who was behind me in line is looking me up and down with a smirk, standing entirely too close given we are the only two people there and don’t know one another. When I make eye contact with him, he grins and raises an eyebrow, gesturing to encompass my body.)

Jerk: “You know, if you start drinking stuff like that, you’re going to ruin everything you’ve got going on.”

(I just stared at him for a second, rolled my eyes, and turned away until my drink was called. As I walked off, I heard him call me a “rude b****.” I’m not sure how me deciding not to respond to his unsolicited commentary about my body was ruder than him offering it in the first place, but oh, well. I guess that’s a pretty basic rude b**** thing to wonder. If only I’d opened myself up to his wisdom!)

Treated Sub-Standard By The Sub-Conscious

Bedroom, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, California, home, Physical, Silly, USA | Romantic | February 4, 2018


(This is a story that is related to me, as I have no memory of it. I have to get up for work at 3:00 am and, because of that, I go to bed a lot earlier than my boyfriend. He comes to bed at his normal time and cuddles me. I take his hand and kiss his palm and then down his wrist. He takes this to mean I’m interested in doing more than just sleeping and starts to kiss my neck. I then kick him hard in the shin and wrap all of the blankets around me.)

Boyfriend: “Jesus! You didn’t have to kick me!”

Me: “I love you more when you’re sleeping!” *I then take his pillow and cuddle it and won’t give it back*

(I woke up to find him not in bed. I was indeed cuddling his pillow. When I went looking for him, I found him sleeping on the couch. Seven years later, we still lovingly tell each other, “I love you more when you’re sleeping.”)

A Tall Drink And A Taller Order

Alcohol, Bad Behavior, Bar, Harassment, Restaurant, Strangers, USA | Romantic | February 3, 2018


(In college, some friends and I often go to lounge-type restaurant that switches over to being a bar after 9:00 pm. They also offer free dance lessons — salsa, bachata, etc. — each month, and those nights are always packed. One evening, my friend and I, both women, take a break from dancing to get a drink. We’re waiting at the bar for our orders when a very intoxicated woman pushes between us.)

Random Woman: “Heyyyy!”

Me: “Um… hi?”

Random Woman: *slurring* “You wanna buy me a drink?”

Me: *thinking the bartender has probably cut her off and she’s trying to get around it* “I’m sorry. I think maybe you’ve had enough.”

Random Woman: “Aww! Come on!” *throws her arm tightly around my neck*

Me: *trying to pull away* “Please let go. I don’t know you.”

Random Woman: “Well, you could! We could get to know each other. We could have a lot of fun together…” *leans closer and rubs her thumb against her fingers in the “money/cost” gesture* “But only for 40 bucks!”

Me: *finally gets her arm off my neck* “Okay, you have a good night, now. Bye.”

(I grab my friend, who has both of our drinks, and we go back to our table.)

Friend: “What happened over there?”

Me: “Either that lady was just super drunk, or she was super drunk and also a hooker.”

Not So Happy Hunting

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Illinois, Outdoors, Phone, USA | Romantic | February 2, 2018


(I’m out hunting with my sisters and brother, and after night’s fallen and we’re all in for the evening, I call my boyfriend to say goodnight. A friend of his comes up in conversation, and he mentions that she’s become a vegan.)

Boyfriend: “…which would be pretty cool, except that she’s decided her being a vegan means that her boyfriend now has to get rid of the new leather couch they bought together.”

Me: “Oof. I can’t picture him being too happy about that; he was super excited to finally get that couch.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, when I talked to her yesterday, they were still fighting about it. She and I are grabbing lunch tomorrow; I’m sure I’ll hear all about how unreasonable he’s being.”

Me: “Well, good luck, and tell her hi from me!”

Boyfriend: “Will do!”

Me: “Maybe don’t tell her I’m currently out hunting, though

Not So Happy Hunting

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Illinois, Outdoors, Phone, USA | Romantic | February 2, 2018


(I’m out hunting with my sisters and brother, and after night’s fallen and we’re all in for the evening, I call my boyfriend to say goodnight. A friend of his comes up in conversation, and he mentions that she’s become a vegan.)

Boyfriend: “…which would be pretty cool, except that she’s decided her being a vegan means that her boyfriend now has to get rid of the new leather couch they bought together.”

Me: “Oof. I can’t picture him being too happy about that; he was super excited to finally get that couch.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, when I talked to her yesterday, they were still fighting about it. She and I are grabbing lunch tomorrow; I’m sure I’ll hear all about how unreasonable he’s being.”

Me: “Well, good luck, and tell her hi from me!”

Boyfriend: “Will do!”

Me: “Maybe don’t tell her I’m currently out hunting, though

An Assault On Decency

Bad Behavior, Coworkers, Jerk, Liars/Scammers, Restaurant, UK | Romantic | February 1, 2018


(I work on the registers of a fast food restaurant. It isn’t too busy and an elderly gentleman approaches the counter. I am cleaning the ice cream machine, so I assume my coworker will tend to him.)

Gentleman: “Excuse me, miss. Could you tell me what’s on that menu?”

(I hear a sigh and nothing else.)

Gentleman: “Umm, miss?”

(I turn around and see my coworker is on her phone. It looks like she is deliberately ignoring him, which I find very disrespectful. I decide to tend to him, instead. I read out most of the menu and he selects two meals. My coworker has been giving me horrible side-eye the entire time, while still on her phone. As his food is being prepared, an elderly woman comes out of the toilets with a walker for support. She comes to the counter, and she and the gentleman kiss and make small talk, mainly about how he left his glasses in the car. They take their food and leave.)

Me: “[Coworker], using your phone at work isn’t allowed, and why were you so rude to that man?”

Coworker: *huffs* “Wasn’t it obvious? He was trying to flirt with me!”

Me: “Umm, he must have been in his 80s. Plus, his wife was with him.”

Coworker: “How do you know?! They could have been brother and sister.”

Me: “I don’t think siblings kiss like that, at least not in public.”

(She sighed again and went to speak to the manager. I was later called to the office, where the manager said my coworker claimed I tried to downplay a man viciously trying to sexually assault her, and then shame her into feeling guilty for it. He played the footage of the entire event back to he, with audio, and then laughed her out of the building. She didn’t turn up for work the week after, so she was promptly fired. It doesn’t stop there, though. We got an audit from Human Resources about a claim of sexual harassment on the date the couple were in. My manager showed them the footage and took a couple of statements. They were only here about ten minutes. We get longer inspections if someone forgets to wear a plaster after cutting themselves.)

Nobody Nose It Like Men

home, Movies & TV, Parents/Guardians, Revolting, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 31, 2018


(My parents and I are watching the movie “Frozen” on DVD. We reach this scene:)

Kristoff: “What if you hate the way he picks his nose?”

Anna: “Picks his nose?”

Kristoff: “And eats it.”

Anna: “Excuse me, sir. He is a prince.”

Kristoff: “All men do it.”

(My mom accuses my dad playfully.)

Mom: “Do you?”

(My dad doesn’t respond. My mom repeats the question several times, more and more seriously and surprised.)

Dad: “Just drop it, okay?”

(I guess that line is more accurate than most people expected!)

Many Bothans Died To Bring Us This Inquisition

Games, Geeks Rule, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 30, 2018


(My husband is playing a video game, where you can start your own player guilds. He has just picked out a name for his group.)

Husband: “I’ve created the Bothan Inquisition!”

Me: “We just woke up. How did you manage to create an inquisition?”

Husband: “I wasn’t paying attention and I accidentally got political again.”

Another Typical Airport Romance

Airport, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, England, Extra Stupid, UK | Romantic | January 28, 2018


(My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year, and she has been pestering me to come with her to London and visit her family during holiday. I’ve done the same, and we’ve been teasing each other to visit our respective families this holidays after we each go home for a few days. We’re both in our second year of university.)

Me: “Hey, babe, I’ve just arrived at the airport. I’ll meet you at baggage!”

Girlfriend: “Yay, I can’t wait!”

(What seems like a half hour goes by.)

Me: “Yo, I just got my bag. Are you parking the car, or…”

Girlfriend: “Uhh, what’re you on about? I just got my bag!”

(I am confused, but suddenly realize what has happened!)

Me: “Oh, my word, babe. Are you in Indiana right now?!”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, why is that so shoc– OH, NO!”

Me: “Yup, I’m in England. We definitely fudged our surprises up, huh?”

Girlfriend: “You’ve said it. I’ll head back ASAP. Love you!”

Me: “Back at you!”

Girlfriend: *complete and utter silence*

Me: “Only kidding. I love you, too, gorgeous. I’ll see you soon. Just look for the American waiting for you with the expensive gift!”

Girlfriend: “Can’t wait!

(I spent the next few hours scouring the airport for a gift. I ended up greeting her with a pair of earbuds and some candy. We’re meant to be married next month. This happened last Christmas!)

A Non-Affair To Remember

Australia, Book Store, Harassment, South Australia | Romantic | January 27, 2018


(I am a 30-year-old female. A male customer, some 15 to 20 years older than me, has been hitting on me and I have politely turned him down. A week later he comes back in to pick up a book he’d ordered.)

Customer: “I wasn’t asking you to marry me and have my children. I just thought you might like to be my mistress!”

It’s Gonna Be A Long And Lonely Christmas Without Me

Friends, home, Indiana, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | January 26, 2018


(My husband and I are going through our ornaments and picking the ones that we would like to put on the Christmas tree.)

Me: *holds up a personalized ornament from when I was younger* “Look! This one says ‘Best Friends Forever’ but only has my name on it!”

Husband: “You are an introvert. You are your own best friend!”

A Lighter Side To This Story

Engaged, home, Silly, St Louis, USA | Romantic | January 25, 2018


(My fiancé has bought my Christmas present, and can’t resist giving me a hint.)

Fiancé: “You’ll take it everywhere, and everyone will want to use it.”

Me: *joking* “Is it a handkerchief?”

Fiancé: “No.”

Me: “Is it a lighter?”

Fiancé: *looks shifty* “No…”

Me: “Is it the Zippo we saw with the American flag on it?”

Fiancé: “D*** it.” *goes into the other room, comes back, and hands me the lighter with a crestfallen and annoyed look on this face* “Now I have to think of a new present.”

(There have been no more guessing games or hints about presents. Also, I’m not allowed to have lighter fluid for it until after Christmas!)

A Lack Of Blood To The Brain

Blood Donation, Coworkers, Reception, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 24, 2018


(I volunteer at the Red Cross reception desk one morning each week. The job’s not very difficult; mostly I just answer the phone and direct prospective donors to the blood services section elsewhere in the building. One morning a tall, beefy guy comes loping down the hall and stops in front of my desk.)

Guy: “Well, I’m done donating blood!”

Me: “You’re a great American. Hey, do you have any money?”

Guy: “Nope, sorry.

Me: *making my voice mock-whiny* “Not even five bucks? I want to take myself out to lunch after my shift ends!”

Guy: “You’re out of luck.” *jokingly* “You’ll have to settle for a kiss.”

(He leans over the counter and kisses me on the forehead. I hear a sharp intake of breath, turn around, and see our volunteer coordinator standing behind me with a horrified expression on her face.)

Me: “Oops. [Volunteer Coordinator], I don’t think you’ve ever met my husband.”

Daddy Issues: The Holiday Special

home, In-Laws, Massachusetts, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 23, 2018


(It’s Christmas Day, and my husband and I have just had his parents over for the morning. My husband’s father has already made several racist remarks — something he is quite prone to — and then makes it worse by going on and on about how he’s “not a racist.” This is a point of contention between my father-in-law and me, and unfortunately for everyone involved, he and I do not get along very well. My in-laws finally leave and my husband and I are both relieved.)

Husband: “I’m so sorry about him. I’m sorry that he is such a jerk and that he doesn’t realize what an amazing daughter-in-law he has. Thank you for marrying me and for staying with me.”

Me: “Honey, you are not your father. I love you. I would take a hundred [Father-In-Law]s for your sake.”

Husband: “And I could visit you every week in the psychiatric hospital!”

A Dollar For A Priceless Moment

Maine, Money, Retail, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 22, 2018


(This is a memory of my husband, as he has since passed in July. I remember how whenever we went together into a store, we always came out with over $100 worth of items. If I went in alone, it was half of that. I used to pick on him about it, banning him from going in with me. We have a new dollar store open up in the town we shop in, and we decide to go, and this happens.)

Me: “Okay, now, we are going into the dollar store. There is no way in hell you can spend over $100 in this d*** place.”

Husband: “Shouldn’t.”

(We go in and do our shopping, and lo and behold, our total is over $100. We get back out to the truck. I put our daughter in her car seat then get in the front, crossing my arms and staring at my husband. He just starts laughing.)

Me: “You’re banned from [Dollar Store]. How the h*** did you do that?!”

Husband: “I don’t know!”

Me: “I can’t take you anywhere.”

(There is a new dollar store opening up, and to be honest, I’ll miss banning him from that one.)

What A Sheety Thing To Do

home, Parents/Guardians, Seattle, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Washington | Romantic | January 21, 2018


(I’m sitting on my bed when my dad sits next to me.)

Dad: “When your mother gave birth to you, do you want to know the first thing she said to me?”

Me: “No?”

Dad: *continuing anyway* “She said, ‘CHANGE THE SHEETS, YOU B******; I’M BIRTHING YOUR CHILD!’”

Mom: *from the next room* “And what did we come home to? Dirty sheets! That’s what!”

Should Be Your Blanket Response To Most Decisions

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, New York, Silly, USA |
Romantic | January 20, 2018

(In the morning:)

Girlfriend: “I was cold last night.”

Me: “Why?”

Girlfriend: “Because you took all the blankets.”

Me: “So, why didn’t you take them back?”

Girlfriend: “Because I would have woken you up.”

Me: *after a pause* “Well, then, you made your choice.”

The Many Friendly Adventures Of The Lustful Lamia

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Chicago, Flirting, home, Illinois, Silly, USA | Romantic | January 19, 2018


(My sex drive is considerably higher than my boyfriend’s, which isn’t usually a problem, except occasionally when he’ll worry that he’s pressuring me into sex, which at least with me, is virtually never the case. We’re talking about this at one point.)

Me: “With me, you can basically assume that if you want sex, I’ll also be down for it, and on the one-in-a-thousand chance that I’m not, I’ll just let you know. I’m like a siren, except less likely to lure you in and drown you.”

Boyfriend: “Are sirens known for being lustful? I thought they were mostly about the drownings.”

Me: “Hmm. A succubus then? Or a lamia, except less likely to steal your body heat?”

Boyfriend: “Now that’s a total lie; you steal my body heat constantly! We go to sleep, and you’re like, ‘Mmmm, come here; you’re so warm,’ and then I feel your icy feet!'”

Me: “Okay, we’ve found it. I’m a lustful lamia, except more likely to annoy you with cold feet than to freeze you to death!”

(A year later, he still uses “lamia” as a pet name. It very much amuses me!)