Slashing The Chances Of Dating An A**hole

Dating, Funny Kids, home, Pennsylvania, Sons & Daughters, USA | Romantic | February 26, 2018


(I have a coworker who’s friendly and cute, and we’ve hung out a few times unofficially. One day, I stop by his place on his day off to pick something up. He pats me on the shoulder as he walks by. His daughter, who is laying on the couch at the time, sees him do this. Once he’s out of the room, she props herself up on one arm and peers at me.)

Daughter: “Are you Daddy’s new boyfriend?”

Me: *unable to tell if this is a trap or not* “We work together.”

Daughter: “That’s not a no.”

Me: *hesitantly* “Okay, um, I don’t know yet. I guess we’re still testing the waters. He’s nice enough, so I wouldn’t object if he were interested. Would you?”

Daughter: *suspiciously* “His last boyfriend was an a**hole. Are you an a**hole?”

Me: “I… I try not to be.”

Daughter: *narrows her eyes* “You break his heart, I’ll slash your tires.”

Me: *studying her carefully* “I believe you.”

Daughter: “Smart boy.”

(With that, she lay back down as her father came back in. I officially asked him out later that week. Two years later, my tires remain un-slashed.)

Propelled Into Oddness

Car, Engaged, Silly, USA | Romantic | February 25, 2018


(My fiancé and I have just completed our first premarital counseling session and are on the drive home. I didn’t sleep well the night before, so I’m not in a particularly talkative mood. It should also be noted that he’s driving my car and carrying the conversation. After a while, the car falls into an awkward silence for a few minutes, then…)

Fiancé: “Brrrr!” *making propeller noises with his mouth*

Me: *looks over at him, baffled*

Fiancé: “Your car has a propeller now.”

Me: “Uh… huh.”

Fiancé: “What? It was quiet in here!”

I Find Your Lack Of Standards… Disturbing

Geeks Rule, Military, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | February 24, 2018


(My husband is in the military and has called me to video chat. He is trying to find a show he wanted me to watch but he can’t remember the name. As he’s looking through his browser history in an effort to find it, I’m whistling snippets of different theme songs. I suddenly hear someone running, and another soldier is suddenly poking his head over my husband’s shoulder.)

Husband: *jumps* “Whoa, [Soldier]! When did you get here? If I had realized you were here, I’d have put on my headphones.”

Soldier: “I just came in to grab something.” *to me* “Was that you whistling Darth Vader’s theme?!”

Me: “Yeah, it was.”

Soldier: “That was awesome!” *to husband* “Marry her, ASAP, dude.”

Husband: *chuckles* “[Soldier], this is my wife, [My Name].”

Soldier: “Dude, you’re lucky.”

(After saying that, the soldier disappears from my line of sight.)

Me: “So… He doesn’t have very high standards, does he?”

The Butt Of Your Own Joke

Australia, home, Language & Words, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | February 23, 2018


(My husband and I are discussing a poor behaviour our puppy is exhibiting.)

Husband: “I mean, if we don’t nip it in the butt—”

Me: “HA! Did you just say, ‘Nip it in the butt’?! It’s ‘bud.’ ‘Nip it in the bud.’”

Husband: “What?” *laughing* “No, let me finish.”

Me: *laughing* “Oh, my gosh. ‘Nip it in the butt.’”

Husband: “What does ‘nip it in the bud’ even mean?”

Me: “I think it has something to do with flowers.”

Husband: *not convinced* “I think it’s ‘nip it in the butt.’”

Too Little, Way Too Late

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Fights/Breakups, home, The Netherlands | Romantic | February 22, 2018


(After seven months, I completely fall out of love with my boyfriend, and I decide to break up with him. All of this happens in a fairly calm conversation, with a few tears here and there. There is one part I will never forget, though.)

Me: “A big problem for me was that you are always late. Always. Like, guaranteed, at least ten minutes late.”

Boyfriend: “You know I can’t help it.”

Me: “You know I used to have a problem with being late, and I told you how I fixed it.”

(We had numerous conversations about this.)

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I know; I remember. I never tried those methods, though. I was just hoping it would get better on its own.”

Me: *shocked*

(Three days later, he forwarded an email his mother sent him in response to our break-up. She said she couldn’t believe I had called him “unreliable” and she strongly disagreed. Yeah, that’ll make me take you back.)

Never Too Late To Dump Him

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Jerk, The Netherlands, Time, Train | Romantic | February 21, 2018


(My boyfriend is ALWAYS late. Always. At least ten minutes, sometimes fifteen or twenty. I’m the kind of person who’s always ten minutes early. This means I am always waiting at least twenty minutes for him, every single time. I used to have a problem with being late, years before, so I try to talk to him about tricks and coping. Cue the day he is going to meet my parents. I am SUPER nervous. I absolutely need him to be on time for this.)

Me: “So, you know how you’re always at least ten minutes late?”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “Yeah.”

Me: “We absolutely cannot miss the train when we’re going to meet my parents. So, I want you to pretend the train is leaving ten minutes earlier than it actually is, so you’ll be on time. And then, I want you to be early for that.”

Boyfriend: “Sure.”

Me: “So, we’ll treat it like a date; we’ll be 20 minutes early, have some fun at the train station, then catch the train.”

Boyfriend: “Okay.”

Me: *sigh of relief*

(On the day of our trip, I’m almost half an hour early for the train. Waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Ten minutes before the train leaves, I start texting and calling. No answer. No boyfriend. I am freaking out. Two minutes before the train leaves, he comes running.)

Me: “Where were you? Why didn’t you answer?”

Boyfriend: “Hang on. I still have to buy a train ticket.”

(I am flabbergasted. Long story short: we miss the train. I am a silent ball of rage.)

Boyfriend: “If you had bought me a ticket, we wouldn’t have missed it.”

Me: “WHY WOULD I BUY YOU A TICKET?!”

Boyfriend: “Because you should’ve known I’d be late.”

With Or Without U2

Car, Ohio, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Toledo, USA | Romantic | February 20, 2018


Husband: “You don’t know who David Bowie is!”

Me: “Yeah, I do! He’s the Goblin King! Admittedly, I’ve never seen that movie.”

Husband: *scoffs*

Me: “He was a singer, too.”

Husband: “Was? He’s still a singer!”

Me: “No… He died.”

Husband: “Oh, yeah… I forgot. He didn’t seem that old. Man, I forgot the lead singer of U2 died.”

Me: “WHAT?!” *hysterical laughter*

Husband: “What?”

Me: “THAT’S BONO!

Alarm C(l)ock

home, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 19, 2018


(As I’m a compulsively early riser, my husband has asked that I wake him at six am if he hasn’t gotten up himself. I don’t hear his alarm at six, so I go up and “wake him the best way.”)

Husband: “I think I’ll just conveniently forget to set my alarm from now on!”

Husband, You Wound Me

Colorado, Fort Collins, Health & Body, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 18, 2018


(I am looking at Pinterest when I find a pin on how to do subcutaneous sutures. I am looking at it when my husband comes in, glances over my shoulder and issues the following pronouncement:)

Husband: “You don’t get to practice on me. We’ll get you a side of pork if you really want to try.”

(I have no medical background, whatsoever; I was just looking out of curiosity.)

Sick Of Your Compliments

Health & Body, home, Massachusetts, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 17, 2018


(My husband has been sick with a fever for a few days, and I have spent the weekend taking care of him. On the second morning, I feel his forehead.)

This Marriage Is Not Dead

home, Louisiana, Pineville, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 16, 2018


(I’m listening to a movie as I’m sewing. Right as a creature in the movie lets out a blood-curdling scream, I get a video call from my husband. I answer and tell him to hang on a second while I find the remote so that I can turn off the movie. After I’ve turned off the movie, I hold up the phone to apologize and notice my husband’s horrified expression.)

Me: *sheepishly* “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you! The remote was on the other side of the room.”

Husband: *wide-eyed* “What was that god-awful sound?”

Me: “It was one of the creatures on Evil Dead II. I figured since [Son] is asleep I’d watch something that wasn’t a kids’ movie or show.”

Husband: *visibly relieved* “Oh, good. For a minute there, I thought I called you while you were in the middle of murdering someone!” *pause* “For the record, if you had been, I’d have just hung up and called back when it was more convenient.”

Me: *laughs* “You wouldn’t have tried to contact the proper authorities?”

Husband: *scoffs* “No. But I might have given you a few suggestions of who to off next.”

Unhappy Annibirthentine’s Day

Canada, Coworkers, Holidays, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Manitoba, Office, Spouses & Partners, Winnipeg | Romantic | February 15, 2018


Me: “Hey, [Coworker], it’s Valentine’s Day!”

Coworker: “Not only that; it’s also my wedding anniversary.”

Me: “Aww, how romantic!”

Coworker: “And it’s my birthday!”

Me: “Wow! Your husband must be planning something really special, eh?”

Coworker: “Nope. I’m pretty sure he forgot.”

Me: *pause* “How could he possibly forget?”

Coworker: “I wonder that every year.”

Valentine’s Crimes

Argentina, Bizarre, Holidays, Neuquén, Retail, Silly | Romantic | February 14, 2018


(It’s Valentine’s Day, and although it’s not really celebrated in my country, we have a few things for the occasion. A young man comes running in, panting like crazy.)

Customer: “I need that teddy bear!” *points to a bear with a big heart on his chest* “And that balloon!” *a giant heart with “I love you” written on it*

Me: “Sure. It will be [amount].”

Customer: “Do you have chocolates?!”

Me: “Yes, I can recommend [Brand] that comes with a little love poem inside.”

Customer: “Yes, give me two.”

(I gather everything and put it in a red and pink bag. He pays and runs off like he’s being chased by the devil. My boss has been watching in silence until this moment.)

Boss: “Do you think he just forgot or that he needs to repent for some sins?”

Me: “I don’t want to know.”

You Have Many Grave Concerns, But This Won’t Be One Of Them

Awesome Workers, Bad Behavior, Exes/Old Flames, Holidays, Jerk, Liars/Scammers, Punny, Restaurant, USA, Washington DC | Romantic | February 13, 2018


(My friend is the maître d’ at a high-end restaurant. Reservations are always needed for dinner, but on holidays they can book weeks in advance. It is Valentine’s Day, and he has been fully booked for over a month. As you can imagine, people try to break rules to get a seat. This is the case when a man and woman arrive.)

Man: “You should have a reservation for two under ‘Graves.'”

Maître D’: “I don’t have any open reservations. What was the first name?”

Man: *sigh* “Abigail Graves.”

Maître D’: “Excuse me for a moment while I check.”

(My friend is confused at this point, because there is, in fact, a reservation under the name; however, he has already seated them ten minutes before, and the seated woman has given him the correct code from the reservation app. He decides to check with the seated Abigail. She is a visibly pregnant woman who is sitting with an older woman.)

Maître D’: “Excuse me for bothering you, but a couple has arrived claiming to be under your reservation.”

(At this point, the pregnant woman starts to cry and the older woman looks furious.)

Older Woman: “The nerve of him! He probably has her with him.”

Abigail: “Grandma! Please! Look. Two weeks ago, I walked in on my boyfriend in bed with another woman. He’s been making my life miserable because I left him. He won’t let me come get my dog, and he has been following me. I can’t believe he is here. He fought with me when I made the reservation. If you seat him, I can’t look at him. I’ll have to leave… I…”

Maître D’: “Miss, please don’t worry. I will handle the situation. You and your grandmother just have a lovely Valentine’s dinner.”

(The owner sees the woman crying, and asks what the situation is. My friend quickly fills him in, and the owner says he wants to handle this personally. As they are walking back towards the door, the owner pauses.)

Owner: “What name was the reservation under?”

Maître D’: “Graves.”

Owner: *grinning ear to ear* “That’s what I thought.”

(They get to the rather peeved-looking man and woman a moment later.)

Owner: “I’d like you to know that I looked at the reservations. This restaurant doesn’t have any spare ‘Graves’ to seat you in. However, cheating on a pregnant woman means you deserve to be lying in one. Show yourself out.”

Man: “You have some nerve.”

Owner: “No? Okay, [Security Staff], escort them out.” *to Maître D’* “Please comp her meal. It’s not every day I can threaten someone using puns.”

Valentine’s Pay

Employees, Friends, Holidays, Non-Dialogue, Restaurant, San Antonio, Spouses & Partners, Texas, USA | Romantic | February 12, 2018


Several years ago, a friend and his wife invited my wife and me to dinner at a very nice local restaurant. The two of them had visited the restaurant several times previously, and they were pleased with both the food and the price. This time, the reservations happened to be on Valentine’s Day.

We arrived at the restaurant in good time. We were a bit surprised that there were more empty tables than we expected. We were seated, and read the menus. The offerings were their standard meals, but the menu itself had, “Valentine’s Day Specials,” printed on it. The prices were four times the usual amount, too! We asked the waiter why the prices were higher than usual, and he said something like, “Well, it is Valentine’s Day, and you should be giving your ladies something special!”

We decided not to pay the highly-inflated prices, and got up to leave. A customer at an adjoining table looked at us, then spoke up and said, “I wish I had done that, too!”

Come As You Are, In A Shirt

California, Los Angeles, Restaurant, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 11, 2018


(My husband and I decide to go out for breakfast, and this conversation happens while we’re seated outside, waiting for our food.)

Husband: “I can’t believe it. That kid was born at least a decade after Kurt’s death, and here he is, walking around in a Nirvana shirt. It’s absolutely shameful. He’s probably wearing that because he thinks it’s all retro and whatnot.”

(I let him dig himself as deep as he will go. As soon as his rant is over, I ask him a simple question.)

Me: “So, who’s that on your shirt, again? And when did he die?”

(He was wearing a Che Guevara shirt. He died 20 years before my husband was born.)

And After, Serve Them A Mite-Cap

California, Food & Drink, home, San Jose, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 10, 2018


(My wife and I have potted plants on our balcony, which have become infested with spider mites. We’re looking up remedies online.)

Me: *reading off a website* “‘Make your own miticide at home by mixing a tablespoon of ground cinnamon, a tablespoon of ground cloves…'”

Wife: “I’m not making glühwein for the mites!”

(Glühwein is mulled wine.)

Me: “‘…two tablespoons of Italian seasoning!’” *laughs* “Serve some tea to the mites; be a gracious host!”

Groping For A Verb

home, Illinois, Language & Words, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 9, 2018


(In the midst of the spate of sexual harassment stories in the media, my wife puts down the newspaper with a grunt and a sigh.)

Me: “Do I grope you or do I fondle you?”

Wife: “Both, sometimes.”

Me: “What’s the difference? Because I thought I had been gently fondling you for 42 years.”

Wife: “Groping is when I don’t want to be fondled.”

Me: “…”

Wife: “Shut up.”

Warming Up To This Chivalry Thing

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Dating, Illinois, Parents/Guardians, Restaurant, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | February 8, 2018


(The day before New Year’s Eve, my boyfriend and I go out to dinner with my parents. Our area happens to be in the middle of a vicious cold front. As we are leaving, my boyfriend stops me in the lobby of the restaurant, and asks me to wait there while he goes out to bring the car around for me. At this point, my dad goes to leave, but turns back at the door when he notices that my mom isn’t following. She gives him a very pointed smile.)

Dad: *sighs heavily* “I guess I’ll go warm up the car and bring it around for you.”

(After he leaves, my mom turns to me and says:)

Mom: “You have such a nice boyfriend.”

Will Have To Scour The Deepest Amazon For It

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Georgia, home, Language & Words, Silly, Stockbridge, USA | Romantic | February 7, 2018


(My boyfriend and I have discovered that one of our favorite independent movies has been removed from our movie-streaming network. We tend to joke around a lot and feign being overly dramatic.)

Boyfriend: “I guess we’ll just have to find it on DVD, or something. We’ll probably have to find it in some obscure, faraway shop, or we might have to battle to the death in some distant, foreign country to get it.”

Me: *wide eyes and gasps* “Yeah, like somewhere called…” *pause, pronounces strained and incorrectly* “…Ama-zoh-n!”