Nice Saves On Not-So-Nice Subjects

Australia, Bad Behavior, home, Melbourne, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | March 18, 2018


Husband: “Would you be mad if you fell asleep and I started doing you…”

Me: “…”

Husband: “…”

Me: “…”

Husband: “…a …huge favour by rubbing your back?”

(On another occasion… Note: My husband works as a barista.)

Husband: *referring to a very attractive woman we had just met* “Wow, I would make sweet, sweet…”

Me: *raises eyebrows*

Husband: “…coffee for her?”

(My husband is the king of nice saves.)

Of Mice And Men And Cats And Boyfriends

Books & Reading, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Movies & TV, North Carolina, Pets & Animals, USA | Romantic | March 17, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are hanging out, watching anime. Of note, my boyfriend is a couple years older than me. Predictably, my cat decides that he really, really needs to be the center of attention.)

Me: *hugging cat* “I got you. You’re trapped. No escape.”

(My cat wriggles free and runs off, but is back on my lap within 30 seconds.)

Boyfriend: *laughs*

Me: *hugging cat again* “I’m gonna love him, and feed him, and name him George!”

(As my cat once again escapes me, I see that my boyfriend has a confused look on his face.)

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “You’re not old enough to get that joke!”

Me: “Uh, no, it was assigned reading back in high school.”

Boyfriend: “Wait, what?”

Me: “Steinbeck, Of Mice and Men? Lenny and George?”

(My boyfriend just looks even more confused.)

Me: “Or are you thinking of the Looney Toons jokes referencing it?”

Boyfriend: “Wait, wha– YOU’RE TOO YOUNG TO KNOW LOONEY TOONS!”

Me: “It’s older than your parents.”

Boyfriend: “…”

Cat: *trying to put his butt on my face* “MREOW

Either Way, You’re Both Just Nuts

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Long Distance, Silly, Text/Chat/Email, USA | Romantic | March 16, 2018


(My long-distance boyfriend and I are messaging, asking about each other’s days and so forth. He asks me what I have been doing today. I’ve been working on the same project that I’ve been working on the past several days, so I tell him to guess. After a few deliberately ridiculous guesses, he guesses correctly: I’ve been working on the music for my studio’s upcoming recital.)

Me: “Yes, I was working on music, you nut.”

Boyfriend: *sends emoji of a hazelnut*

Me: “Ooh! Hazelnuts are my favorite nuts!”

Boyfriend: “Wait, I thought I was your favorite nut!”

Me: “Well, cannibalism is frowned upon in most societies.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I hope I’m not your favorite nut to eat.”

Me: “Besides, I said hazelnuts were my favorite nuts. Plural. You’re my favorite nut, singular.”

Boyfriend: “Aw, thanks!”

The Infinity Breakfast

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, England, Geeks Rule, home, Movies & TV, Nottingham, Silly, UK | Romantic | March 15, 2018


(I’ve just woken up, I’m being a bit lazy in getting up, and I want five more minutes of snuggles. I turn to my boyfriend, who is half-awake next to me. Warning: Marvel Cinematic Universe spoilers.)

Me: “Babe. You know how in Thor: Ragnarok, Loki went to Odin’s vault in the end? Do you think he took the Tesseract and saved the blue Infinity Stone?”

Boyfriend: “He almost definitely did. That’s why Thanos has it in the trailer for Infinity War.”

Me: “So, what happened to the red Infinity Stone?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, the strawberry stone. Not sure. Don’t know what it does.”

Me: “Okay, well, Doctor Strange has the green one. And what happened to Loki’s staff? That had the yellow stone in it.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, the lemon stone. It’s by the sugar stone and the pancake stone.”

(I’m keeping him.)

Tied To That Answer

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Chicago, home, Illinois, Rude & Risque, USA | Romantic | March 14, 2018


(My girlfriend and I have settled in for some kinky romance. She is wearing black lingerie, and I have just finished putting her into some light bondage. As I am pretending to force myself on my more-than-willing partner, the phone rings:)

Caller: “Is [Girlfriend] available?”

Me: “Sorry, but she can’t come to the phone. She. Is. Tied. Up. Right. Now.”

Caller: “All right, we’ll try another time.” *click*

(I don’t know if the guy realized that I was telling the absolute truth.)

Must Have Been Some Pun-ishing Sex

home, North Carolina, Rude & Risque, Silly, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 13, 2018


(My husband and I have a ten-month-old daughter. I’m sitting with her while she plays with some toys. She has one of those cubes where you put the different shaped blocks in the different shaped holes. She’s not good at using the shaped holes yet, but there’s a larger opening for getting the blocks out, so she puts them and other small toys in the cube all the time. The baby puts a yellow ball in a purple cup.)

Husband: “She likes putting things in that purple cup.”

Me: “She likes putting things in other things in general.” *motions towards the cube*

Husband: “Well, so do we. That’s how we got her.”

Me: “…”

Husband: *smiles*

A Conversational Attack

Bad Behavior, Baton Rouge, College & University, Harassment, Louisiana, Strangers, USA | Romantic | March 12, 2018


(It’s the middle of dead week, so I decide to multitask by polishing my term paper while eating dinner in the on-campus cafeteria. Someone I don’t know sits in the other seat of the two-person booth I’m in, but I figure the cafeteria’s packed and there’s nowhere else to sit.)

Stranger: “Hey.”

Me: *not paying attention* “Hi.”

Stranger: “How’re you doing?”

Me: “Eh.”

Stranger: “What’re you working on?”

Me: “Term paper.”

Stranger: “Cool. What class?”

Me: “I don’t want to be rude, but this paper is due tomorrow, and it’s worth half my grade, so I’d rather focus on this.”

Stranger: “God, I just wanted to talk.”

Me: “It’s dead week, it’s six pm, and I’m in pajama pants. My hair is clearly overdue for a wash, I’m eating and typing with considerably more focus on the latter, and I’m sitting at a table that can hold meals for two, or a meal and laptop for one. What made you look that that and think, ‘That’s a girl crying out for small talk with a stranger’?”

Stranger: “You don’t need to be such a b****.”

Me: “Apparently, I do.”

Your Loyalty Is Numbered

Australia, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Retail, Silly, Toowoomba | Romantic | March 11, 2018


(My boyfriend is shopping while I’m looking after the trolley filled with things from a previous shop. When he returns he is smirking.)

Boyfriend: “So, the girl behind the counter just asked for my number.”

(My eyebrows shoot up in surprise.)

Me: “Really?”

Boyfriend: “Yep.”

(He throws something down on the table.)

Boyfriend: “For a loyalty card.”

Me: “Wha… oh. Oh!”

Boyfriend: *laughs at my expression*

Weeding Through The Bad Gifts

Health & Body, Holidays, home, Minnesota, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 10, 2018


(I smoke medical marijuana for PTSD and fibromyalgia pain. It’s Valentine’s Day, and my wife comes home and tosses me a package.)

Wife: “Babe, I got you flowers!”

Me: “Aww, so sweet!”

(It was my order of weed buds, aka “flowers.”)

Chivalry Means Buying The Sex Toys

Movie Theater, Movies & TV, Oregon, Portland, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 9, 2018


(After seeing a scene in the last “Fifty Shades” movie:)

Husband: “Do you think he buys all new toys with each girl?”

Me: “I mean, to be fair, he can afford to.”

Husband: “But isn’t that part of his dominance? Like these are his tools and he uses them on everyone?”

Me: “Possibly, since he wasn’t serious with his previous girls.”

Husband: “And now?”

Me: “Listen. When you get married, you buy all new butt plugs!”

Nursing A Hospital Hangover

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, California, Health & Body, Hospital, Long Beach, Silly | Romantic | March 8, 2018


(My girlfriend and I are both bi women. She is in the hospital to have a minor operation. I have to work, but I stop by after my shift. She’s woken up already, and I find out she’s had a panic attack — which is apparently fairly normal when waking up from anesthetic — and is recovering from it still. I go to see if I can help, being a friendly face and all. When I get there, she is still having the attack and is clinging pretty desperately onto the male nurse. When her panic does subside enough, I end up taking over so the nurse can do nurse things. My girlfriend is self-conscious over the fact she had a panic attack, so I try to lighten the mood.)

Me: *joking* “Are you being like this because I caught you with a man?”

Girlfriend: *super confused* “What?”

Me: “I mean, getting to cuddle up that real cute nurse. You sly dog.” *I nudge her playfully* “I mean, if you wanted to add a man to us, I wouldn’t be against it.”

Girlfriend: “I don’t understaaaaand!”

(She lightens up after that, and I hang about for a few hours until she’s released. As we’re leaving, we walk by the male nurse, who says goodbye. When he’s out of earshot…)

Girlfriend: “He was so cute!“

Me: “He’s the nurse you clung to when you were panicking!”

Girlfriend: “D*** it! I don’t remember

Make It An Ex-Pun

Australia, Best Friend, Divorce, Exes/Old Flames, home, Punny | Romantic | March 7, 2018


(I’m currently going through a divorce, and my wife is now wanting to take the dog. I tell my friends about this development.)

Me: “[Ex-Wife] is talking about stealing [the dog]. Goody.”

Best Friend: “That’s rough.”

Me: “Is that a pun?”

Best Friend: “Not intentionally, but it works, so I’ll claim it.”

Getting Shirty About The Shirt

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Fights/Breakups, Geeks Rule, Jerk, Memphis, Retail, Tennessee, USA | Romantic | March 6, 2018


(My girlfriend and I are waiting in line to check out at a store. We’re in our late 30s, and while I’m into a lot of geeky things, she’s not. While in line, a rather attractive younger woman comes up behind us. She’s wearing librarian glasses, a [Popular Old Video Game] pendant necklace, and a t-shirt printed with one of those parody [Role-Playing Dungeon Game] alignment charts. I can’t help but notice and start to read her shirt, which means I’m staring directly at her chest. My girlfriend notices after a moment, grabs my sleeve, and gives me a nostril-flaring death stare.)

Me: *doesn’t get it at first* “What?” *gets it* “What? I was reading her shirt!”

Young Woman: *also doesn’t get it* “Oh, you like?” *pulls shirt out a bit making it easier to read*

Me: “Yeah, that’s really cool. Have a great day!”

(The girlfriend and I get through the register quickly, fortunately. Let’s say that her driving on the way home is a bit, um… aggressive. After she takes a turn that screeches the tires:)

Me: “I really was just reading her shirt. It was a [Role-Playing Dungeon Game] alignment chart, but with [Popular Space Movie] characters.”

Girlfriend: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “No, see, there’s this idea of a grid that your character can fall into, and that determines what you..”

Girlfriend: *cutting me off* “SHUT UP!”

Me: “But that’s–”

Girlfriend: *cutting me off again* “SHUT. THE. F***. UP. NOW!”

(After getting home, she shut herself in the bedroom. I have a feeling I’m sleeping on the couch tonight, all because I couldn’t not know that whole chart.)

The Cake Is A Lie, But With A Really Good Excuse

Bad Behavior, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Cambridge, England, home, Proposal, Silly, UK | Romantic | March 5, 2018


(I am female in my late 20s. This has been the worse fortnight of my life so far; I was made redundant at work, I fell out with a very close friend over something really stupid, and someone rear-ended me. My period has also started, making everything a lot worse, as I get extremely hormonal during this time. Now, my glasses have broken. I emotionally break down, and cry at my boyfriend.)

Me: *whilst sobbing* “I have no friends, no vision, no car, and no money to sort out two of those problems! AND I’M BLEEDING EVERYWHERE!”

Boyfriend: “Shall I go get some cake?”

Me: *stops wailing, but still sniffing* “Cake?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, let’s go to [My Favourite Cake Place].”

Me: *sniffing* “Really?”

Boyfriend: “Really, really.”

(He goes on the cake trip. He comes back sooner than I’d expect, and hands me the bag, which is too light to have cake in it. I open it up and find a ring box with a ring in it.)

Boyfriend: “Will yo—”

Me: *truly distressed* “Where’s the cake?!”

Boyfriend: “I… Erm.”

Me: “You said there would be cake!”

Boyfriend: “Okay… You’re irrationally—”

Me: *irrationally upset* “I am not irrationally upset! You promised cake! Instead, I get a ring that I can’t even see properly, because I have no vision! How could you betray me like this?!” *ugly, hysterical sobbing*

(He did go get me cake. And I did apologise to him over being overly emotional and dramatic. Surprisingly, he still wanted to marry me after that, so I said yes.)

Stupid Jerk Humor

Colorado, Denver, home, Jerk, Punny, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 4, 2018


(I am speaking with my wife while on lunch. She is doing computer work at home.)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Louisiana is so mean.”

Wife: “What?”

Me: “Yeah, you know, all that jerk chicken from Louisiana.”

Wife: *typing in the background*

Me: “Hello?”

Wife: “Jerk chicken is Jamaican, not creole.”

Me: “You looked that up, didn’t you?”

Wife: “Yes. I thought you were wrong; I just had to make sure.”

(More conversation, and then…)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Jamaica is so mean.”

Wife: *laughs uncontrollably*

Romance Is Not In The Cards

Bizarre, Harassment, Outdoors, Strangers, UK | Romantic | March 3, 2018


(I am shopping in my town’s high street when a woman approaches me. I am male.)

Woman: “You have a very beautiful aura. I can tell you are a fervent believer in the Abrahamic God. Perhaps you and your wife, if you have one of course—” *suggestive look* “—would be interested in joining [Local Church]?”

Me: “Umm, actually, I’m an atheist, and my boyfriend is a Buddhist, so I don’t think [Local Church] would suit us very well.”

(She looks at me like I’ve just grown an extra head and walks away. I finish my shopping and head toward home, only to see her again walking up to a bin. She takes out a pack of cards and a large crystal.)

Woman: “These things are f****** useless!”

(She dropped them in the bin and left. Curious, I took a look. They were tarot cards.)

Being Sour Grapes

California, Family & Kids, home, San Francisco, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | March 2, 2018


(My wife and I are contemplating what to name our first child.)

Wife: “I’m not opposed to ‘Grace’ for a middle name.”

Me: “Neither am I. Better that than ‘Grapes.’”

Wife: “What? When was that on the table?”

Me: “Grapes are frequently on tables!”

(My wife says I’m not taking this process seriously. I don’t know what she’s talking about.)

The Number One Thing You Can Do With A Cat

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, North Carolina, Pets & Animals, Revolting, Silly, USA | Romantic | March 1, 2018


(My boyfriend has stayed the night at my house. I leave for my morning class. I expect him to still be asleep when I get home, but he meets me at the door, looking frazzled.)

Boyfriend: “Babe, I’m so sorry!”

Me: “Uh… What?”

Boyfriend: “I accidentally peed on your cat.”

(Turns out, my “helper” cat heard water running in the bathroom and, investigating the splashing noise in the toilet, ended up in the line of fire. My boyfriend calmed down when I explained that [Cat] repeatedly jumped into the toilet as a kitten and that was why I always keep the lid down.)

Doesn’t Realise The Weight Of That Statement

Australia, Car, Dating, Jerk, New South Wales | Romantic | February 28, 2018


(I have met someone on an online dating website. After enjoying chatting with each other for two weeks, we decide to meet up in person. The first date goes well, and we both agree that we would like to see each other again. On the second date, he brings me to a lookout, which turns out to be much colder and more windy than anticipated, so we end up sitting in his backseat, enjoying the spot. He is much more physically affectionate than I am, although this could be partially due to my never having been out with anyone before him. He begins to cuddle with me. Just as I am beginning to relax, he speaks:)

Date: “I don’t want to kill the mood, but… are you of a healthy weight?”

(He may not have wanted to, but he killed it.)

No Need To Get Crabby About It

Australia, Car, Language & Words, Queensland, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | February 27, 2018


(My husband and I are on vacation. We’ve come to a fishing village to spend a week fishing. We also intend to catch mud crabs, as my husband has never eaten real crab before.)

Husband: “I want to go on some photography expeditions. I think we can get some nice photos here.”

Me: “My goal is to catch crabs.”

Husband: “You really like crab, hey?”

Me: “I just really want to give you crabs.”

Husband: “You want to give me crabs?”

Me: *pause* “Wait! No! Not those type of crabs. I want you to taste crab.”