When I’m With You, It’s Electric

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Pennsylvania, Pets & Animals, Silly, USA | Romantic | April 19, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are sitting on the couch when my cat jumps up and lies down between us. I start petting him, when my boyfriend gets my attention.)

Boyfriend: “Ow!”

Me: “Huh?”

Boyfriend: “He lay down on my hand and when you were petting him, the static built up and discharged through me.”

Me: *starts petting the cat again*

Boyfriend: “Ow. Ow. Ow. It’s going through my pinky, of all fingers!”

No Need To Be Mooby About It

Best Friends, College & University, Flirting, Silly, UK | Romantic | April 16, 2018


(I’m in a bar during my first week of university and have sat down by the dance floor to rest for a minute. A student I vaguely recognise from my halls comes and sits next to me. I am female.)

Guy: “Hey, how about I buy you a drink, and then we can get out of here?”

Me: “Ah, I’m really sorry. I’m a lesbian.”

(This is true.)

Guy: *thinks for a minute* “I have moobs?”

(I immediately twigged that he wasn’t serious, and he’s been one of my best friends for the last seven years. I was even his best woman when he got married

Maybe Some People Shouldn’t Breed

Extra Stupid, home, Spouses & Partners, USA, Virginia | Romantic | April 13, 2018


(My husband and I have decided to try for a baby. Due to a medical issue, I have never been able to take hormonal birth control, so we’ve always used other methods. This takes place when we are getting intimate, and I am very sleep-deprived after a long week at work.)

Me: “Wait, wait, babe. Slow down.”

Husband: *pulls away from me, confused* “What’s up?”

Me: “We almost forgot.” *begins rummaging in the bedside cabinet*

Husband: “What are you looking for?”

Me: “A condom. Are we out?”

Husband: *pauses* “Think about that for a minute

I’m Feline Crazy!

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Pennsylvania, Silly, USA | Romantic | April 10, 2018


(My boyfriend and I are hanging out on the couch watching television. He’s got his yarn and crochet hook out when I have a realization.)

Me: “You know, I think we’re crazy cat people.”

Boyfriend: “Why? Because I’m crocheting a sweater vest for the cat?”

Me: “That may have something to do with it.”

The Number Of The Mistress

Bizarre, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, Retail, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | April 7, 2018


(My store has a loyalty program with no card or keyring tag; we look customers up by their phone number. In cases where people are shopping for gifts and are not in the system or not interested in being in the system, we encourage people to give us the phone number of the parent of the child they’re shopping for, so they get the points for the purchase. For the sake of this story, we will say my husband’s phone number is (123) 456-7890.)

Me: “And your phone number for your rewards?”

Customer: “(123) 987-6543.”

Me: “Hmm, nothing under that number. Could it be under your home number?”

Customer: “Oh! It’s probably under my boyfriend’s number. He has kids! (123) 456-78—”

(At this point, my brain stops. I’m thinking, “This can’t be happening. She’s giving me MY HUSBAND’s phone number as her boyfriend’s. What are the odds of this happening?!”)

Customer: “—09.”

Me: *bursts out laughing in nervous relief* “Oh, you have no idea how relieved I am! I thought you were giving me my husband’s phone number! His is (123) 456-7890!”

Customer: *laughs hysterically* “That is great! I’m glad I’m not your husband’s mistress!”

You And I Can Write A Grammatically Correct Romance

California, home, Language & Words, San Francisco, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | April 5, 2018


(My wife and I kiss farewell before we head off to our respective cars and our respective jobs.)

Wife: “I love you.”

Me: “I love you. You are the best wife who ever wifed.”

Wife: “You are the best husband who ever husbanded.”

Me: “Not as best as your wifing… That sentence was grammatical!”

Wife: *pause* “I’m out of here.”

Eating For Two, One Last Time

Car, Charlottesville, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners, USA, Virginia | Romantic | April 4, 2018


(I’m in hard labor with my first child, who is two weeks overdue. After early labor all day, it’s now past midnight and the contractions are unbearable. My husband is driving me to our hospital, forty five minutes from home. I’m in the passenger seat, eyes tightly closed, counting my breathing and the miles under the tires. The car finally comes to a slow stop, and I’m ecstatic that we’ve arrived.)

Me: “Oh, thank God. I can’t take this much more! We’re there, right?”

Husband: “Uh, well…”

Outside The Car: “Welcome to [Tex Mex Fast Food Place]. Are you interested in a combo meal?”

(Two meals ordered, and we were back en route to the hospital ten minutes away. Nine years later, we still joke about being the couple that showed up in the labor and delivery ward with a duffel bag and Tex Mex.)

That’s Flawed Writing

Canada, home, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | April 3, 2018


(I get up to grab something off the shelf when I trip suddenly and nearly fall, barely catching myself on the arm of the couch.)

Husband: “Are you okay?!”

Me: “Yeah. I’m like a badly-written character out of a crappy love story, the way I manage to trip over nothing all the time.”

Husband: “In that case, at least it’s your only flaw.”

Me: *tries to get up and falls again* “I’d rather have flaws

Takes A Lecture To Get A Number

Australia, College & University, Extra Stupid, Flirting | Romantic | March 30, 2018


(I’m in a college tutorial class, where instead of a large seminar room, about 20 of us are sat in a smaller room with a few group tables. There is a table I’ve sat at because I think one of the guys is cute; however, I don’t say a word to him. The lecturer wants us to refer to our textbook for the tutorial, but I haven’t bought it yet. The guy I like has taken a picture of someone else’s book on his iPad.)

Guy: *glances over* “Do you want the picture?”

Me: “Uh… Yeah. Sure.”

Guy: “Okay, what’s your number? I can send it to you.”

Me: *being super clueless* “It’s okay; don’t worry!”

(I legitimately go to take a picture of his screen with my phone.)

Guy: “Er, I think sending it to your number is better.”

Me: “Huh?”

Guy: “Jesus. I want your number!”

(After the class, he messaged me and said I made his ploy to get my number quite awkward!)

Finally Doing The Thing

New York, Outdoors, Proposal, Silly, USA | Romantic | March 30, 2018


(I’ve been dating a guy for a while, things have been going pretty well, and he finally proposes!)

Boyfriend: “I was thinking about us getting married. What do you think?”

Me: “Swiggity swing! You get the ring, and we’ll do the thing!”

(We’re getting married in three months.)

Adventures Of The Lesbian Thespian

Harassment, Jerk, LGBTQ, Ohio, School, Strangers, USA | Romantic | May 31, 2018


(It is the 1980s. I’m male with long hair but can’t be considered feminine by any stretch of the imagination. I try out for a part in the school play. I’m hanging out with friends afterwards, discussing various actors and actresses whose methods we like.)

Me: “You know, my parents would be so upset if they knew I wanted to be a thespian.”

(At that point, a young woman nearby jumps up from her table and storms over to where I’m at.)

Woman: “You don’t have to pitch your voice so low if you want to be a lesbian!”

(I blink and look over to where she’s hovering an inch away from me.)

Me: “Lesbian? Well, I do like women, so… but no, we’re talking about thespians. You know, actors and actresses.”

Woman: “It’s okay to be a lesbian. I’m one. Why are you trying to look all manly?”

Me: “Uh, because I am a man.”

Woman: *now screeching* “No, you’re not! Why are you trying to act all butch? Is it because of your friends?”

(She then started screaming at them for trying to get me to act male. I didn’t know what else to do, so I stood up and grabbed my crotch and yelled, “To thine own self be true!” It was then that she realize that I was indeed a man, turned bright red, and stormed off. Every since that day, I’ve been called the lesbian thespian by my friends.)

He’s In His Own Little Box

home, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | May 30, 2018


(I love my husband, but my biggest pet peeve with him is his tendency to completely zone out on me if he’s on his phone, reading, watching a movie, etc. He will literally not notice things happening right in front of him when he’s “in the zone.” I know this, so I try to make sure he’s actually paying attention if I’m saying something to him. Sometimes, though, the things he misses still baffle me. A couple examples:)

Me: *carries full dog bowls into the living room, where he is reading a newspaper, followed by three large, happily barking dogs* “Yay, puppy dinner! Who’s ready for dinner? Here we go!”

Husband: *thirty minutes later* “Hey, did the dogs eat dinner?”

Me: “Yes. Loudly and literally right in front of you.”

(One evening, I spend almost an hour in our enclosed porch, in full view from his spot on the couch, breaking down old boxes and straightening up.)

Me: *coming back into the house and sneezing multiple times* “Wow, that last box was covered in pollen! I can already feel my sinuses clogging up.”

Husband: *looks up from his phone* “What box?”

Me: “I just spent an hour tearing apart boxes and cleaning up the sunroom.”

Husband: “Oh, okay. Good job.”

(The next day.)

Me: “Ugh… my nose is so stuffy from that pollen yesterday.”

Husband: “What pollen?”

Me: “From the boxes.”

Husband: “…”

Me: “The boxes I spent nearly an hour tearing apart in the sunroom? I was cleaning up out there? You could see me through the window.”

(A couple days after that, we’re taking the dogs for a walk and decide to walk out through the sunroom.)

Husband: “Hey, it looks cleaner in here.”

Me: “Seriously? I straightened up the other night, when I was breaking down the boxes.”

Husband: “What boxes?”

Me: “Do you even notice when I’m gone?!”

Planning For A Wedding Can Be A Tram-Wreck

Bizarre, Engaged, Public Transportation, The Netherlands, Train Station | Romantic | May 29, 2018


(My girlfriend and I decide to get married. Since we want to avoid unpleasant surprises, we want to have a prenuptial agreement — which in the Netherlands also covers property agreements during your marriage — and testaments, for which we have to visit a solicitor in a different town. We don’t have a car, so for the first meeting, I leave work early and take the train back to our hometown, where I meet my fiancée at the station and we take a bus to the other town. There, we are supposed to take a tram.)

Fiancée: “We must take tram three in the direction of The Hague, at platform two.”

(Unfortunately, we don’t see any signs with the platform numbers. I do, however, see a sign saying that on the nearest platform, tram three will come in. The direction is also right, so we wait for the tram and when it arrives, we get in. But after a few stops, I notice something is off.)

Me: “Wait… Are we going the right way? The names of the stops don’t end up.”

Fiancée: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Look, we are going out of [Town]. I think we’re going the wrong way!”

Passenger: “Where do you need to go?”

Fiancée: “[Town]’s station.”

Passenger: “This tram is going to The Hague.”

Fiancée: “Oh, dear, that’s all wrong!”

(We get out at the first stop. It turns out that tram three makes two stops at the station, since it makes a circle through the town before leaving for The Hague. But since we couldn’t tell the platforms from each other, we took the wrong one. We take the first tram back. Another passenger tries to help out.)

Passenger #2: “If you get out at the next stop, you can go to the platforms on the higher level and take tram five. That’s quicker.”

(This turns out to make matters worse for us, since we have to hurry and don’t know which platform upstairs is the right one. In the end, we miss this tram and have to wait for ten minutes, while it’s cold and rainy. My fiancée feels terrible from all the stress and is nearly crying. Finally, we get the right tram and manage to get to the solicitor’s office. We have notified them that we would be a bit late, and they do not mind. Finally, we take the bus back to our hometown.)

Me: “You know what the most given ticket in [Solicitor’s Town] is?”

Fiancée: “No?”

Me: “Excessive speed. Everyone wants to get out.”

(Months later, we have to go visit the solicitor again to sign our prenuptial agreement and testaments. Over the last months, we have left our small apartment and moved to a bigger house in a different village. Obviously we are delighted that we can get to the solicitor all by train now. No more trams! Instead, we take a train to a nearby town, and then we can board a regional train, which goes in the direction of The Hague and makes a stop at the station in [Solicitor’s Town]. When in the latter train, once again I notice something is off.)

Me: “Wait, I don’t see any stops on the screen. Is this the right train? I already thought it left a bit early.”

Fiancée: “You mean…”

Me: “I think we accidentally boarded the InterCity. This train won’t stop at [Town], only at The Hague!”

(After arriving in The Hague, we have to make a run to catch a train that will stop at our station. Again, we arrive a bit late at the solicitor’s office, but once again they are nice and polite and everything ends on a happy note. We leave the office and go back to our house.)

Fiancée: “I think [Town] is cursed.”

(At our wedding, I can’t resist making a joke about our trouble when giving a speech about how much I admire all the effort my fiancée — now wife — has done for the wedding:)

Me: “She even ventured out with me, two times, in order to visit the Accursed City! The Town That Does Not Live! Where ugly, tall buildings rise up around you and close you in. Where zombie-like troglodytes stumble around in the streets, mindless, joyless. I am, of course, talking about… [Solicitor’s Town]!’

(It was the best laugh we got during the speech

A Shot Of Hard Truth

Cheaters, Engaged, Finland, home | Romantic | May 28, 2018


(My friend and I recently became roommates because she wanted to move away from her fiancé. They’re still together, but figured they need some time apart. I’m friends with both of them and he visits us often. This day isn’t any different, except there’s also someone else visiting her. I let him in.)

Me: “Oh, hi, I didn’t know you were coming.”

Roommate’s Fiancé: “Yeah, is [Girlfriend] home?”

Me: “She is… Would you like a cup of coffee or tea… or a shot of vodka?”

Roommate’s Fiancé: “…?”

(I go knock on her door and she comes out with another guy, shirt backwards, both red and panting. Kind of obvious that they’ve had sex.)

Roommate’s Fiancé: “Yeah, I’m going to take that shot now, please.”

Drive You To Have Fun

Australia, Awesome, Best Friends, Fights/Breakups, home, Melbourne | | Romantic | May 23, 2018


(I’ve had a rough couple of months, splitting up with my abusive partner, changing stores for work, and moving to a new place. I have scraped together basic furniture but have no luxuries like a washing machine, TV, or stereo. I also regularly walk 35 minutes to work, then wait 45 minutes in the dark to catch the last bus home. My closest friends and family all live in another state, about a 10-hour drive away. This year my birthday falls on a long weekend. My best friend rings me early on the Friday morning.)

Best Friend: “Hey, how are you? Sorry if I woke you.”

Me: “No, that’s okay. I’ve got to see if the laundromat is open today, anyway. I’m okay. How are you?”

Best Friend: “I’m good. Since I got a bonus at work, [Housemate], [Close Friend], [Other Close Friend], and I are on a road trip down the coast. Just thought I’d check in on you.”

Me: “Oh, that’s sweet. I hope you guys have a good time. Say hi to everyone.”

Best Friend: “Will do. Any plans for your birthday?”

Me: “Nope. Just some housework.”

(We chatted for a few minutes before hanging up. A few minutes later, there was a knock at my door. I opened it to find my friends. My best friend had bought me a good secondhand car with six months rego on it, a new washing machine and dryer, TV, and stereo, among other little things. My friends then hired a trailer, packed up the car, and made the long trip to surprise me for my birthday. They had booked a nice motel, took me shopping for new clothes, out for dinner on my birthday and sightseeing around the city, before flying home on Sunday, without me spending a cent. My best friend had spent pretty much all of the money from his bonus on the car and other things for my flat, while my other friends had pooled their money and paid for their flights, the motel, and shopping. I will be ever grateful for their love and support.)

Triple Threat

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Harassment, Restaurant, USA | | Romantic | May 21, 2018


(There is a twenty-something woman who is a regular at the neighborhood restaurant where I work. She works at another local restaurant, but we’re open later, so she’ll come after work for beer and a burger. Sometimes she does come for lunch with her boyfriend and/or her female best friend. The problem comes when her boyfriend and best friend come in together for dinner and act romantically towards each other. My coworkers and I all agreed that we should stay out of things, but a bar regular — who has been hitting on her unsuccessfully for months — decides to say something the next time the woman is in.)

Bar Regular: “You need to dump that a**hole boyfriend of yours.”

Woman: “One, he’s not an a**hole. Two, why would I dump him?”

Bar Regular: “He’s cheating on you with [Friend].”

Woman: “No, he’s not.”

Bar Regular: “You didn’t see them in here last night. They were all over each other.”

Woman: “Thanks for telling me, but it’s not what you think.”

Bar Regular: “I think you’re in denial. Just dump him and I’ll take you out somewhere nice.”

Woman: “Not going to happen. I mean, what would my girlfriend say?”

Bar Regular: “What?”

Woman: “[Friend], my girlfriend. Not that it’s any of your business, but I think she might say something if I dump our boyfriend for going out with her. So, no thanks.”

(The bar regular hasn’t spoken to her again since

Triple Threat

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Harassment, Restaurant, USA | | Romantic | May 21, 2018


(There is a twenty-something woman who is a regular at the neighborhood restaurant where I work. She works at another local restaurant, but we’re open later, so she’ll come after work for beer and a burger. Sometimes she does come for lunch with her boyfriend and/or her female best friend. The problem comes when her boyfriend and best friend come in together for dinner and act romantically towards each other. My coworkers and I all agreed that we should stay out of things, but a bar regular — who has been hitting on her unsuccessfully for months — decides to say something the next time the woman is in.)

Bar Regular: “You need to dump that a**hole boyfriend of yours.”

Woman: “One, he’s not an a**hole. Two, why would I dump him?”

Bar Regular: “He’s cheating on you with [Friend].”

Woman: “No, he’s not.”

Bar Regular: “You didn’t see them in here last night. They were all over each other.”

Woman: “Thanks for telling me, but it’s not what you think.”

Bar Regular: “I think you’re in denial. Just dump him and I’ll take you out somewhere nice.”

Woman: “Not going to happen. I mean, what would my girlfriend say?”

Bar Regular: “What?”

Woman: “[Friend], my girlfriend. Not that it’s any of your business, but I think she might say something if I dump our boyfriend for going out with her. So, no thanks.”

(The bar regular hasn’t spoken to her again since

Achieved Nothing

Geneva, home, Lazy/Unhelpful, Spouses & Partners, Switzerland | | Romantic | May 20, 2018


(I usually look after the house and shopping on weekends, but today, I’ll be busy working during shopping hours while my husband will be in charge of the house and our seven-year-old son. I leave him a short list of things we need, and insist he has to at least get cat sand so we can change the litter boxes. It’s Saturday, and pet shops are closed on Sundays. I come back from work seven hours later and have this conversation:)

Me: “So, how did the day go?”

Husband: “Good! We went to the swimming pool!”

Me: “Cool! Did you do the shopping? Did you forget anything?”

Husband: “Nothing.”

Me: “Really? You even got the cat sand?”

Husband: “No, we got nothing. We just went to the pool.”

(I had to run out and get food. Cats will have to wait till Monday for sand.)

Observed Something In Passing (Out)

Blood Donation, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Canada, Health & Body | | Romantic | May 18, 2018


(In high school, I go with my girlfriend when she donates blood. I recently got a piercing, so I can’t donate. After, in the recovery room, she keeps bending over to look under the table. The first few times I look, too, but I don’t see anything interesting.)

Me: “What do you keep looking at?”

Girlfriend: “What?”

Me: “You keep looking at something under the table!”

Girlfriend: “Oh! I’m not looking at anything; I’m passing out.”

(I went and grabbed a nurse. Kind of put me off donating bllood

Wakey Wakey, Cheese And Bakey

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Ellenwood, Georgia, Silly, USA |
Romantic | May 16, 2018

(I am pregnant, and though I have gotten past morning sickness for the most part, I am still not a morning person. My boyfriend has also discovered how to use my cravings to his advantage. My boyfriend’s alarm goes off, and he gently shakes me while hitting the snooze button.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, it’s time to get up.”

(I ignore him. A few minutes later, the alarm goes off again, and he hits snooze.)

Boyfriend: “C’mon, let’s get up. We’ve got things to do today.”

(I roll over and ignore him. A few minutes later, the alarm goes off again.)

Boyfriend: *quietly in my ear* “Cheese fries.”

Me: *stomach growls loudly, I open one eye* “Mmph.”

Boyfriend: “If you get up, I’ll get you some cheese fries. Just for you.”

Me: *sitting up* “Mmph. With bacon