Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 15

home improvement | Right | August 2, 2017


(I am pregnant, quite close to my due date, and obviously showing it even through my boxy work uniform. This occurs during a (so far) normal transaction as I am returning an item for a customer approximately in his fifties.)

Customer: “So, you’re pregnant?”

Me: *smiling* “Yup!”

Customer: “How’d that happen?”

Me: “Uh… well… um…”

Customer: *cheerfully* “You’d be surprised, the different answers I get with that one.”

Me: *speechless*

Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 14

Retail | Right | September 21, 2016


(I manage a retail store that does engravings. When customers want something done we go to a little counter, stand opposite the customer, and explain pricing. I am due to have my daughter any day when this happens. I’m tall and have always been really skinny.)

Nice Young Couple: “We want to get [Item] with [Name] on it.”

Me: “Oh, that’s such a cute name!”

(I explain the pricing. All is going well.)

Woman: “I’m six months along and feel like a whale! How far are you?”

Me: “I’m nine months. Actually, the doctor said I should have popped a week ago. When I’m done working, I walk the Mall of America like a crazy person because a manager over there swears it helps induce labor!”

Woman: “You’re nine months!? Why are you so small?!”

Me: “I don’t know. I’m just naturally skinny but the doctor predicted that she would at least be seven pounds or more.”

Woman: *suddenly incredibly angry* “I’m only six months and bigger than you! That’s not fair!”

(At that point the woman went savage and actually tried to climb over the counter to hit me. Her boyfriend grabbed her and dragged her out of the store kicking and screaming “It’s not fair!” while giving me a look that said “I’m so sorry!” Two days later I got my doctor to give me a note saying I couldn’t work anymore while pregnant because of blood pressure issues. I had my baby a week later and quit when my maternity leave was up. I have never, and will never, go back to retail. I have a lot of respect for people that stick it out. You don’t get paid enough.)

Setting Them Straight About Wolf-Whistling

Australia, Harassment, Melbourne, Outdoors/Outside, Strangers, Victoria | Healthy | February 2, 2018


(I am having a horribly frustrating day at this point. I’m overworked. The weather is horrible. Walking back to work, a construction worker with his mates wolf-whistles at a girl a couple of feet ahead of me.)

Me: *turning to face him* “Thanks, mate, but sorry; I’m straight.”

(The guy went red as his mates laughed. Made me feel better

Need To Get Your Wax Straight

Alberta, Canada, Chiropractor, Doctor, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office | Healthy | February 2, 2018


(All my life, I have been sensitive to changes in weather pressure, and elevation changes, even subtle ones. As I live in an area frequented by wonderful warm winds during cold seasons, I regularly get “Chinook” headaches. I’ve never had a migraine before, but one day at work, I start to experience a severe headache. It’s the worst I’ve ever had, and I conclude I’m having my first migraine. I manage to drive home and crawl into bed. For two days, I’m unable to drive, or even move from a laying-down position, due to nausea and dizziness, along with the pain. My general practitioner is off on maternity leave, so I go to the same clinic as a walk-in.)

Me: “I think I’m having a migraine; it’s the first time.”

Doctor: “Can you describe the symptoms?”

Me: “Intense pressure headache, coupled with nausea and dizziness. It’s very difficult just to sit here talking to you.”

Doctor: “Sounds right.” *hands me a stack of paper* “Here: you need to record each and every time you get a headache so we can track it. Here are two prescriptions for pain medication. Also, I noticed from your previous blood work that your iron levels are low, so we’re going to start you on a very high-dose supplement. As well, vitamin B will help with the migraines. You should start this regime today. The pain medication is strong, so be prepared to basically sleep once you take it.”

(This seems excessive to me, but as I’ve never had a migraine before, I go fill all the prescriptions. For two days, I follow what the doctor recommended, and nothing has improved. My chiropractor has experience in acupuncture and other alternative medicine, and he has helped me with my headaches in the past. I tell my husband that I need to go see him. When I walk into the chiropractor office, my guy sees me, being held up by my husband, with a hood and sunglasses on, and quickly ushers me into a room. My husband has brought the literal bag of drugs I’ve been prescribed, to show him.)

Chiropractor: “I can help the nausea and dizziness immediately. Lie on your side.”

(He gives me some acupuncture needles in various places on my neck, hands, and temples.)

Me: “I can’t keep taking those pain meds; I’m not functional. Plus, the pressure going up the hill from [Our Town] has been excruciating lately.”

Chiropractor: “That’s the pressure sensitivity, right? So, it’s been much worse than normal?”

Me: “Yes.”

Chiropractor: “How’s your balance been?”

Me: “Horrible. That’s partly why I’m so dizzy. I feel like I have no centre of gravity.”

Chiropractor: “You don’t have a migraine; you have crystals in your ears. How often do you use cotton swabs?”

Me: “Fairly regularly?”

Chiropractor: “Stop doing that for a week and let the wax catch them. It’s a random thing, but if your ears are too clean, these little crystals develop and roll around your inner ear. That is what is causing the pain, and the loss of balance, which is contributing to your dizziness and nausea.”

(He was 100% right. A week later, all the symptoms had completely disappeared. I’m thankful that the walk-in doctor had a treatment plan, though I wish she had asked me another couple questions. I’m even more grateful for other medical practitioners who can help prevent you from having to take tons of excessive and unnecessary medications.)

Allow Me To Illustrate The Point

Art, Artist, Health & Body, Office, Revolting, USA, Virginia | Healthy | February 1, 2018


I work as a medical illustrator, drawing injuries and surgeries for legal purposes — used as courtroom exhibits, mediation materials, etc. Most of the time, the cases that cross my desk are the same run-of-the-mill kinds over and over, but every once in a while, we get very interesting and challenging cases to illustrate.

My most memorable case involved a man with a tumor that had grown in almost the exact middle of his head, sort of at the very back of his throat, near the base of his skull. It had grown monstrously and required a surgery to remove it to improve quality of life. But the only way to get to it required some extreme measures, and I’ll never forget the surgeon’s notes in which he described the procedure. This is a bit gruesome, if you’re squeamish.

It required lifting away the bottom of the face from the skull and cutting the mandible — jaw bone — down the middle, then prying the jaw apart to either side. While the surgeon provided no sketches to help me visualize this, he made it clear enough when he mentioned it was commonly known as “the Predator cut.”

They also then removed half the jawbone. It was surprising to learn how they reconstruct the face afterwards; they simply carve up segments from your fibula — the small bone in your lower leg — and make a new L-shaped jaw out of it!

Dinner Before Derriere

Doctor, Medical Office, New Hampshire, Nurse, Rude & Risque, Silly, USA | Healthy | January 31, 2018


(It’s my very first appointment with a GYN Oncologist, and he has to examine my tumor, which has grown in the space “between the playground and the sewer.” There is a female nurse attending who is slightly older than both the doctor and me.)

Doctor: “Unfortunately, [My Name], I’m going to have to do a rectal exam, also.”

Me: *resigned to it, but salty* “Whoa! On the first date, even!”

Older Nurse: *totally taken aback* “But this is a safe date! This is for your health and well-being!” *several more comments indicating that she’s horrified at what I said*

Doctor: *never missing a beat* “Yeah, but I didn’t even buy her dinner!”

(Gotta love a doctor with a sense of humour!)

Clean Up Your Act

Awesome Workers, Colorado, Comeuppance, Hospital, Housekeeping, Jerk | Healthy | January 31, 2018


(I work as a housekeeper at a hospital. The job is hard, but I get paid fairly well. The hardest part is dealing with patients and visitors who don’t realize how important my job really is. I’m mopping the main lobby. A group of visitors leaving the hospital are coming. I just mopped the floors, and they track dirt and grease all over the floor, dropping food as they pass, as well. I get a new mop, slightly irritated, I’ll admit. Then, I hear the mom lean down to her daughter and say:)

Visitor: “Stay in school, or you’ll end up like him!”

(I’ve had a hard day, and just hearing that makes me lose it. I go over, tap the woman on a shoulder, and say:)

Me: “Ma’am, were you visiting a patient here today?”

Visitor: “Uh, yeah… [room number]. Why?”

Me: “You realize a lowlife housekeeper like me cleaned that room, right? That room previously had a very sick person staying in it, and a housekeeper bleached the walls, bed, toilet, everything, to keep you safe from getting what the last patient had.”

(She goes to open up her mouth, but I don’t let her say anything.)

Me: “I’m working this job while I work on getting my associate’s in nursing, which I’m only three months away from. I eventually want to become a doctor. I took this job to get my foot in the door for my future. My parents don’t have money to get me through school, and the scholarships I received aren’t enough to cover $4000 a semester. So, unless you are already saving for her to go to school, or are made of money, she will likely end up with a low-end job for a couple of years. I get the same benefits as any medical staff, I make $12 an hour, and, other than dealing with people like you, my job is nice.”

(By this point her jaw has dropped and her daughter is giggling next to her.)

Visitor: “I’m sorry; I didn’t realize—”

Me: “You shouldn’t have said something like that. ‘If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.’ My mom taught me that when I was five. Probably best for you to learn it, too.”

(The mother scurries out of the door with her head hanging low. My supervisor has seen the whole exchange, so I think I will get in trouble. He laughs and says:)

Supervisor: “I’ve wanted to say that to people like that forever! I’m just glad I got to witness such a historic moment!”

(Housekeepers are not scum or low-lives, and we are not stupid. Most of us have joined as housekeepers to make it easier to climb up the career ladder. Think about that the next time you say something rude like that.)

That’s Where We Put The Bad Patients

Australia, Coworkers, Language & Words, Medical Office, Silly | Healthy | January 30, 2018


(It is a busy Monday with patients eager to get scanning done after the weekend, walk-ins, and appointments. I am working as fast and as politely as I can. There is a bit of pressure since our site manager is on holiday and our second was just promoted to head office. I have inadvertently become the senior receptionist.)

Coworker: “I have to find the keys to the mur…”

(I can’t hear what he’s saying because of the phone ringing and a patient in front of me giving me details necessary for the booking. He does a lap around the department.)

Coworker: “He’s supposed to have left keys for the mur mur rum...”

(I don’t catch the end of it, again, needing to pick up a call on hold that’s been waiting for seven minutes. He runs around again. I blaze through more people, finally finish all calls, and get to the last lady in the queue.)

Coworker: “Okay, so, we get the keys from upstairs in General. It’s all good. They got into the murder room.”

(I stop what I’m doing and stare at him, absolutely sure I heard it right, but shocked if that’s what he said.)

Me: “The murder room?!”

Coworker: “Motor room.”

(The patient in front of me starts laughing.)

Patient: “I wouldn’t want to be in one of those!”

Cause For Actual Pregnant Pause

Alaska, Doctor, Extra Stupid, Hospital, Jerk, USA | Healthy | January 30, 2018


(I am a doctor at a local clinic. I read the file for my next patient, a 21-year-old woman, complaining about stomach cramps, sickness, and “private” concerns. People are often shy and refuse to share their symptoms with the nurse. I go into the room and start talking to the patient.)

Me: “Hello, I am Dr. [My Name]. What seems to be the problem?”

Patient: “I keep getting stomach cramps, and I threw up this morning. It was really gross… and, um… ah…”

(The patient is acting uncomfortable.)

Patient: “I haven’t had my period in three months! It’s always been irregular, but I haven’t ever gone this long! I must be really sick! Please help me.”

(Utilizing my $50,000 education and 14 years of experience, I make the first suggestion that comes to mind.)

Me: “Is there any chance that you might be pregnant?”

(The patient looks disgusted by this.)

Patient: “Oh, so, if a woman is sick it means that she must be pregnant. No, she can’t be dying or anything; she must be a slut. You men are all the same!”

Me: “Ma’am, it is just procedure. I have to check things off the list to find out what is wrong. Can you please answer my question?”

Patient: “No. I want a woman doctor. Get me your woman doctor or I am leaving!”

Me: “There are only me and three male PAs.”

Patient: “Humph!”

(The patient walked out of the examination room and out of the office, complaining of sexism and “unprofessional behavior” to everybody in the waiting room. Six months later, I got another patient file for a woman wanting a prenatal exam. Now, guess who it could possibly be? The lesson here is that there are a lot of things that share symptoms with pregnancy, but pregnancy is FAR more common than most of them. When a doctor asks you if you are pregnant, it is not an accusation; it is an important diagnostic tool.)

Hasn’t Got The Heart To Know The Difference

Australia, Emergency Services, Extra Stupid, Paramedic, Queensland | Healthy | January 29, 2018


Paramedic #1 : “Do you have any preexisting healthcare conditions?”

Patient: “No.”

Paramedic #1 : “Ever been to hospital?”

Patient: “Nope!”

Paramedic #1 : “Do you take any medications?”

Patient: “No.”

(After diagnosing a heart attack and commencing treatment, the patient starts feeling better. He chats with the second paramedic on the way to hospital.)

Patient: “Hang on, I have had one thing…”

Paramedic #2 : “Yes?”

Patient: “It was, uh…”

Paramedic #2 : “Yes?”

Patient: “A what-do-you-call-it… A cardiac arrest! Had one of those before.”

(And that’s why health care staff ask so many stupid and repetitive questions!)

Pot Calling The Kettle Black, Noisily

Hospital, Jerk, New Zealand, Non-Dialogue, Roommates | Healthy | January 29, 2018


I have to have emergency surgery. After some time in the recovery ward, I am wheeled into a double-occupancy room, but there’s no one in the other bed. I wake up a little later to find the curtains between the beds drawn, and correctly assume I now have a roommate. I hear her whimpering often, but I think nothing of it, because I’m whimpering, too.

We are both checked hourly, but we have different nurses, so basically there’s someone coming in every half hour or so. Whenever my obs are being done, I can hear her huffing and sighing, the way people do when they’re trying to sleep but someone’s making too much noise. I feel a bit guilty, but what can I do about it?

During the night, I hear her groaning whenever she tries to move. I’m doing the same, so I am quite shocked when she rather curtly says, “Can you keep it down, please? You’re always moaning and groaning! I am trying to sleep here!”

I say nothing. I’m in too much pain and too drugged up to attempt a comeback or an argument.

Later that morning, I’m woken up by loud voices and ear-piercing squeals. My roommate’s family are visiting. She has two small children who are yelling and squealing and fighting with each other. They zoom around the room, pulling the curtains between our beds back and forth, playing in the wheelchairs, and often bumping into my bed, causing excruciating pain. Her husband is loud and gregarious, and neither of them make even the slightest effort to control their kids.

I’m overwhelmed and hurting and I start to cry. The nurse comes in to do my obs, takes one look at the scene, and barks at the father and kids to keep it down, that they’re in a hospital, and that there are a lot of sick people who are trying to rest. She then manipulates me into a wheelchair and says that now would be a good time to take me for a shower, to get away from the noise. As I’m being wheeled out, I hear my roommate say to her husband, “God, she can talk! She’s kept me up all night whining and carrying on!”

You’re Killing Me Here

Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Germany, Pets & Animals, Vet | Healthy | January 28, 2018


(A lady comes in with a cat in a very bad condition. After a short examination, I have to tell her that the only thing I can do is to euthanize her cat.)

Me: “I’m so sorry, but the kidneys have completely stopped working. The only thing we can do is release that poor cat from her pain and suffering.”

Lady: “Oh, that’s a shame, but if it’s the only option…”

Me: “Unfortunately, it is.”

Lady: “Okay, but is there any homeopathic euthanasia you can give? You know, all these chemical things are bad for her health!”

Me: “Um, do you know what ‘euthanasia’ means?”

Enough To Make You Grind Your Teeth

Canada, Dentist, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Quebec | Healthy | January 27, 2018


(I’ve been going to a dentist clinic for a few months. I love the place and the staff; they’re considerate of the expensive costs of treatments, they’re friendly, and they take the time to explain options. The moment I get dental insurance from work, I become a regular patient to fix all the little things I’ve been putting off. Sadly, for some reason, the dentist turnover becomes high. At this point, I’ve seen four different ones already. I’ve had all my repairs done, got a mouth guard for grinding my teeth, and am just finishing a yearly cleaning.)

Dentist #1 : *who I’ve never had before* “Well, everything looks good on your x-rays. We’ll see you in six months!”

(A month later, I’m back with a pretty infected tooth that requires a root canal treatment. Yet another dentist, the first male one I’ve encountered, greets me.)

Dentist #2 : *cheerfully* “How are you?”

Me: “Well, I’m here because I’m in a lot of pain, so—”

Dentist #2 : “Oh, no. You’re doing well!”

(I’m a bit annoyed that he would tell ME how I’M doing, but I let it go. He starts the procedure, after pressing his belly into the back of my head twice while looking for tools and not apologizing. Towards the end, there is terrible pain, which I had not been warned about in any way. I’m crying and upset by the time I get out, just in a hurry to leave that place. It hurts more than the tooth did before he did anything to it. Because my insurance is almost maxed out for the year, I end up paying several hundred dollars for the procedure. And we’re just in May. A week later, the temporary seal, which I was not told was temporary, starts coming off while I eat. I had been told I would need a crown, but since nothing else was explained, I thought I was good to go until the following year, having told them about the insurance being maxed. I see [Dentist #3 ], who says I should get a screw and a crown, and nods when I explain I have to wait, as I don’t have $1,500 to pay for it. She puts a white filling over the tooth in the meantime. The clinic calls me three times for me to get an appointment for the screw and crown, the third one in November. I explain the insurance thing to the receptionist, and schedule an appointment in January. A week after the November call, my gums around that tooth begin swelling when I eat, so I go back.)

Dentist #4 : “The filling has just slightly been dislodged, so it’s rubbing against your gums. We’ll fix it for free, since we have a warranty on repairs.”

Me: “When was the last time I came for a cleaning?”

Dentist #4 : “In mid-April.”

Me: “And when did I come back with an infected tooth?”

Dentist #4 : “In May.”

Me: “Is it really possible for [Dentist #1 ] to have missed a tooth that ended up infected a month later? She did take x-rays.”

Dentist #4 : *is silent for a while, looking at the computer, then, slowly* “Yes, it’s not visible on them.” *points vaguely to the x-rays, which I obviously have no knowledge to interpret*

Me: “Okay. Also, the dentist who performed the root canal treatment didn’t warn me about the pain, and didn’t explain that the seal was temporary.”

Dentist #4 : “Well… sometimes when dentists explain all the procedures and costs needed, it scares the patient.”

Me: *in shock* “Well, that’s dishonest.”

Dentist #4 : “I understand that you don’t like it.”

(I leave after the repair a bit shaken. Before I leave I ask her to confirm that my $800 mouth guard will not have to be replaced after getting the crown, as I was told by another member of the staff that this might be necessary. The next evening, [Dentist #4 ] calls and leaves a voicemail.)

Dentist #4 : “Hello, I’m calling to set up an appointment for the screw and crown. Please call back.”

(Nothing was said of the mouth guard, and the message disregarded the fact that I HAD an appointment set in January already. I couldn’t call back that evening. The next morning, at 11, I got a call from the receptionist, asking me again to make an appointment! I asked her to cancel the one I had in January, and not to call again. Surely other clinics have staff that have it together.)

This Person Is Such A Headache

Bad Behavior, Coworkers, Criminal & Illegal, Emergency Services, Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Office, UK | Healthy | January 26, 2018


(A coworker has been on blood-thinning medication for the past couple of months. She isn’t allowed to have other medication that has the same effect, namely aspirin.)

Coworker: “I have such a headache. Does anyone have anything I can take?”

(We all say no, so she resorts to searching through the desks of people who are on holiday. She finally finds some.)

Coworker: “Perfect!”

Me: “Um, shouldn’t you try something else? You aren’t allowed aspirin, remember?”

Coworker: “It’s only two tablets! What harm will it do?”

(She disappears before I can protest further, and comes back with a glass of water, having taken them on the way back. She surreptitiously takes another two a few hours later, and I protest yet again. She goes to the printer and comes back screaming.)

Coworker: “I’ve got a paper cut and it won’t stop bleeding!”

(I see that she is actually applying a lot of pressure on the cut, causing it to stay open.)

Me: “Maybe if you ease up on it, it’ll stop.”

Coworker: “No, you idiot! You do that to stop the flow. Oh, my God, I’m dying! Why did you make me take those d*** pills?!”

(We called an ambulance for her, and the second the paramedics arrived, they loosened her grip and the wound closed within a couple of minutes. She spent the entire time accusing us of trying to kill her, and demanded the paramedics phone the police for “force-feeding her death-pills.” We had to explain the situation, as the paramedics thought she was under some sort of narcotic, and they decided to take her to the hospital to make sure the medication wasn’t wreaking havoc on her blood. When she came back into work the next day, she went straight to our manager and launched a formal complaint. We all needed to give statements, and it was decided that if we are going to bring medication to work, we need to ensure it is secure. [Coworker] was put on temporary leave after we revealed in our statements that she actually went looking for the medication in someone else’s belongings, something she failed to mention in her complaint.)

Time To Prescribe Some Common Sense

Chicago, Ignoring & Inattentive, Illinois, Insurance, USA | Healthy | January 26, 2018


(I have been put on a prescription by my doctor. As I am not particularly fond of the modern designer drug industry, my prescription is something that has been on the market for over 50 years. As such, it is very cheap. After I have been using it for four or five months, my insurance company calls me.)

Me: “Hello?”

Agent: “Hello, this is [Agent] from [Insurance Company] calling. Is this [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes. What can I do for you?”

Agent: “I would like to tell you about our fantastic prescription drug plan! You can get regular shipments of your medications every three months, which will save you money. Here’s how it works…” *drones on whilst I try to interrupt*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Agent: *continues script*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Agent: *continues script*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Agent: “Yes?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m on exactly one prescription, which costs exactly one dollar and seventy-six cents per month, including tax. Nobody else in the house has any other prescriptions.”

Agent: “Oh.”

Me: “I doubt you can save me any money on of that one.”

Agent: *laughing* “You’re right; we probably can’t. Thank you for your patience!”



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What A Diabeetus, Part 4

Alabama, Birmingham, Extra Stupid, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | January 26, 2018


(I am sitting at my desk behind the nurses’ station when one of our new patients approaches me.)

Patient: “Can you do me a favor and check my lab work for me?”

Me: “I sure can, sir. Let me get you pulled up, here. What did you want me to look over?”

Patient: “Can you check to see if there’s any diabetes in my blood?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Patient: “Diabetes. In my blood.”

Me: “Did you mean your glucose level, sir?”

Patient: *clearly exasperated* “No, I mean if the doctor found any diabetes in my blood.”

Me: “Sir, that’s… that’s not how diabetes works.”

What A Diabeetus

Pharmacy | Right | May 19, 2017


(I am talking to a regular customer, who is looking to lose some weight before her wedding, about a fitness professional I follow on YouTube who posts workouts and meal plans for free to help people. There is a customer next to me who is being helped by my coworker.)

Customer #2 : *to me and [Customer #1 ]* “Are you calling her fat?”

Me: *startled* “No, I am not. We’re just talking about fitness and—”

Customer #2 : “You should love your body. Don’t go telling her to change it to fit YOUR standards!”

Me: “I’m not telling her to—”

Customer #2 : *to [Customer #1 ]* “Don’t you love yourself?”

Customer #1 : “I do; I do. I just want to lose five pounds before my wedding.”

Customer #2 : “No! That’s the media talking! You’re being brainwashed.”

Customer: “No, it’s my doctor talking. I’m all for body positivity but a health professional is telling me to lose weight.”

Customer #2 : “When you die from diabetes, don’t come looking for help then!”

Customer #1 : “I couldn’t because I’d be hypothetically dead.”

(Customer #2 sputtered and walked out without her change.)

What A Diabeetus, Part 2

Bad Behavior, Grocery Store, Harassment, Ignoring & Inattentive, New Jersey, USA, Wild & Unruly | Right | November 6, 2017


(A customer is getting her money out of her bag. I had put in a low blood-sugar reading in my insulin pump a couple minutes earlier, and it always beeps to remind me to check it again. It beeps, and I unclip it from my waist and turn the screen on. The customer looks up and her eyes go wide.)

Customer: “Of course!”

Me: “What’s the matter?”

Customer: “This is the reason I hate this store! They hire teenagers that look at their phones all the time! They don’t even care about the customers.”

Me: “What? Oh! This isn’t a phone, ma’am.” *presses “okay” and clips it back to my waist*

Customer: “Yes, it is! Give it to me so I can report you to your manager!”

Me: “One, it’s not a phone. Two, I can’t take it off because it’s an insulin pump. I have type-one diabetes.” *shows her my medical alert bracelet* “My manager knows this.”

Customer: “You don’t have diabetes! You’re not obese!”

Me: *tries to resist the urge to face-palm* “Ma’am, I have type-one. The one you’re thinking about is type-two. Please give me the money and leave.”

Customer: “No!” *reaches for my pump, which has a tube that connects to something on my stomach*

Me: *calmly* “Please leave.”

(The customer once again reaches for my pump, and pulls it off my pants. She pulls it forward and realizes there’s a tube on it.)

Customer: “How do you disconnect the charger?”

Me: “That isn’t a charger wire, ma’am. It’s a tube. You can see it’s clear. Please let go.”

(I reach to take my pump back. The customer pulls it forwards again, and I jerk forward. A lot of the time I drop my pump, and it pulls on my stomach. It’s never torn out the thing on my stomach, but this time it’s about to. Luckily, my manager arrives before it does.)

Manager: “Let go of that right now and leave. It’s good that you hate this store, because you’re not coming back.”

(The customer places the pump on the counter and runs to the door, not taking her money or things.)

Me: “Thanks.”

Manager: “Take her money; you deserve it. I’ll put her stuff back.”

(Suddenly, I heard a beep. My manager was also a diabetic, and also had a low earlier. He pulled out his pump, which looked like mine. I heard a loud scream and the door slamming shut.)

What A Diabeetus, Part 3

Colorado, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Hospital, USA | Healthy | January 23, 2018


(I work in the kitchen of a small hospital. I go to each room and take the patients’ orders for their meals. One new patient is a woman who is on a diabetic diet.)

Patient: *after ordering a huge meal, including iced tea with “a crapload of sugar”* “…and can my brother order something, too?”

Me: “Sure. It’s $5.40 for a guest tray, and you can order whatever you want.”

Patient: “Wait, you mean he can get all the food he wants for $5.40? Holy crap! This is the best hospital ever.”

(The patient’s brother orders a large meal, including a diet soda.)

Me: “All right. Now, since you’re on a diabetic diet, we’ll probably have to cut some of this out, because the rules say we can only give you so many carbs.”

Patient: “Whatever. I eat what I want.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll see what I can do.”

(We end up sending her about half of what she ordered, and using artificial sweetener instead of sugar.)

Patient: *calling back after getting her food* “Um, I didn’t get all my food.”

Me: “Since you’re on a diabetic diet, we can only send you that much. Sorry.”

Patient: “Well, my brother didn’t get what he ordered, either. He was supposed to get…” *she proceeds to list the things she didn’t get*

Me: *after a bit of futilely trying to reason with her* “All right. I can bring a little more food to him.”

(The cook lets me bring some more food to the brother.)

Me: “I’d like to see him put sugar in his diet soda.”

Going For The Condom Minimum

Bizarre, Grocery Store, Missouri, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | January 22, 2018


(A woman comes up to our night cashier.)

Customer: “I need assistance at the pharmacy case.”

(The cashier pages me to the pharmacy case, as I’m the only one with the key after the pharmacist leaves. I arrive at the case.)

Me: “What items do you need?”

Customer: *hesitates for a moment* “I need condoms.”

Me: *opens the case* “You’re welcome to pick out any of the boxes that you’d like.”

(She picks up a few different boxes, shakes each one, then sets it back down. Then, she turns to me and asks:)

Customer: “Do you know which one of these feels the best for guys?”

Me: *more confused than surprised by the question* “I’m sorry. I’m afraid I can’t help you there.”

Customer: “Do you know which one fits best, then?”

Me: “I can’t help you with that. I’ve never used any of those.”

Customer: *exasperated sigh* “Oh, well. Better safe than sorry.”

(She put the condoms down, grabbed a pregnancy test, and walked away without another word.)

The Wheelchair Affair

Crazy Requests, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Office, Oregon, Portland, USA | Healthy | January 22, 2018


(Our office occupies the bottom two floors of the building. There is a medical office on the fourth floor which is accessed by an elevator in the main lobby. Recently, there has been construction in front of the building’s main door, but pedestrians can still access the door. I am in a meeting when I am called to one of our side entrances to deal with an irate couple, a man and a woman.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

(I see that the woman is walking with a cane.)

Woman: “I want you to let me in so I can get to the elevator. I have an appointment!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is not [Medical Facility]. We can’t let you in because this area is restricted. If you want, I can walk you over to the main entrance and you can use the elevators there.”

Woman: “I can’t walk that far!”

(A coworker arrives at this time.)

Coworker: “It’s the same distance, either way. We can’t let you in.”

Man: “Well, we can’t go that way because of the construction! Unless you want to carry her, or you have a wheelchair, we need to get in this way!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we can’t do that. You can get around the construction; I promise.”

(This goes on for several minutes. After a while, the woman goes to use a phone that’s near the door.)

Woman: “Give me the number for [Doctor]!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, that phone connects to the office I just came from. We aren’t [Medical Facility]. We don’t have the number.”

Man: “Do you have any wheelchairs?”

Me: “No, we don’t.”

(The two finally leave, but not before…)

Woman: “You need to figure out how to handle cases like this better!”

Me: “You have my deepest apologies, ma’am.”

Woman: “What good’s that going to do me?!”

(They walk outside, leaving my coworker and me behind.)

Me: “They seriously want us to stock wheelchairs for people who can’t be bothered to use the main entrance?”

You Can Stomach Getting A New Doctor

Colorado, Doctor/Physician, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | January 22, 2018


(After a change in my insurance, I have to switch doctors. On my first exam, he stares long and hard at a small patch of pink skin on my stomach that my previous doctor dismissed as nothing.)

Doctor: “How long have you had that bright pink spot on your stomach?”

Me: “Three or four years.”

Doctor: “Have you ever had a dermatologist examine it?”

Me: “No, I didn’t think it was anything serious. My GP said it was probably nothing.”

Doctor: “Well, I think it’s probably a basal cell carcinoma. That’s a slow-growing cancer, but if it’s been left alone for years, we need to remove it ASAP. Let me call our dermatologist.”

(The dermatologist confirmed his suspicions, and a growth the size of an apple was cut out of my stomach later that week. It hadn’t spread anywhere, thankfully. Good thing for me I had to change doctors!)

When Tetanus Is Better Than The Cure

Doctor, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, North Carolina, USA | Healthy | January 21, 2018


(My mother has a really bad needle phobia. She’s tried therapy for it, but still has panic attacks and worse reactions when she needs shots or blood draws. The people at our old clinic knew about it, but when we move, she has to see a new doctor, and needs her tetanus booster shot.)

Mom: “I have a pretty bad needle phobia.”

Doctor: “That’s fine; lots of people do.”

Mom: “No, I mean really bad. When I see the needle, I’m going to pass out. I’m going to jerk around; one doctor said it looked like I had a seizure. I need you to listen to me. Give me the shot while I’m unconscious. If you need me to sign something giving permission, I’ll do that, but you need to give me that the first time I pass out, because I really don’t want to have to do it twice.”

Doctor: “I’m sure it will be fine. Just don’t look at the needle.”

Mom: “No, that doesn’t work. Just knowing that I’m going to get a shot is enough to trigger a reaction. My doctor said she left a note in my file. Can you look? I’m serious; this is going to be a severe reaction.”

Doctor: “Okay, okay, I hear you.”

Mom: “All right.”

(He pulls out the needle, my mom passes out, and she comes to a few minutes later, with the doctor and a nurse standing over her, trying to bring her around. She tries to sit up.)

Doctor: “Don’t move; you had a seizure!”

Mom: “No, no, I told you: that’s just part of my reaction. I didn’t actually have a seizure.”

Doctor: “You passed out! You were having a seizure!”

Mom: “No, I wasn’t! I told you: this is what happens when I get shots. I’ll be fine in a minute.”

(She starts to move, then notices that there’s no bandage on her arm.)

Mom: “Did you give me the shot?”

Doctor: “No! You were having a seizure! I can’t give you a shot while you’re unconscious!”

Mom: “But I told you to!”

Doctor: “Look, I think we should run some tests to make sure you’re okay. If you are, I’ll give you the shot then.”

Mom: “You know, I think I’ll take my chances with the tetanus.”

(She went to another doctor, who not only listened to her, but gave her a mild sedative, and has since provided her with one whenever she needs blood-work or shots.)

Laughter Is The Best Drug

Doctor, Emergency Room, Hospital, Nurse, Seattle, Silly, USA, Washington | Healthy | January 20, 2018


(Several years ago, I had an accident that required a skin graft on a knuckle. Present day: I hit my hand while working, causing the skin graft to split open, meaning I need stitches. I get to the hospital at about 4:30 pm, and it is PACKED. It is almost 2:00 in the morning before the doctor can even have a look at me.)

Doctor: “Yeah, you will need stitches, so I’m going to give you some novocaine to numb your finger up. We’ll give it 15 minutes to take effect, and get started.”

Me: “Don’t worry about that. It is a skin graft. You would need to poke me where I can feel it, to numb me up where I already can’t feel anything. Just sew it up, please.”

(The doctor agrees, gets a nurse to bring in the kit and hand him stuff, and starts stitching. I can’t feel a thing. After a few minutes, the nurse leans over and asks:)

Nurse: “So, is the novocaine still working?”

(In my defence, I am tired and incredibly bored, so I just look up with a horrified expression and say:)

Me: “I NEVER GOT ANY!”

(The nurse’s eyes almost pop out, and she is ready to flip out. The doctor just looks up at me and says:)

Doctor: “Oh, shut up, you baby.”

(Sorry, nurse, but the doc and I got a good laugh, at least.)

Men Think They Can Have Everything

Bad Behavior, Extra Stupid, Jerk, Maine, Medical Office, Reception, USA | Healthy | January 19, 2018


(I am waiting at a doctor’s office. I have heard some crazy things at this place, but this is pretty nuts, even by their standards. A man is sitting in the waiting room, talking to the receptionist. He’s in his twenties.)

Man: “Can you give me some birth control?”

Receptionist: *looks at him a bit strangely* “Okay.”

Man: “Like, the copper thingy?”

Me: “That’s for girls.”

Man: “Jesus! Why are you so f****** sexist? You dumb b****! I can get it, too, if I want it!”

Receptionist: “Um, actually—”

Man: “I DON’T WANT TO GET PREGNANT

Not Listening Is A Disease

Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, LGBTQ, Minnesota, Nurse, USA | Healthy | January 19, 2018


(I’m in the ER with a dislocated shoulder.)

Nurse: “Are you on any medication?”

Me: “Synthroid, and I have an IUD.”

Nurse: “Any major surgeries?”

Me: “Appendix when I was 16, I had my thyroid removed last year due to cancer, and a few months ago I had a tumor removed from my foot.”

Nurse: “Any history of thyroid issues?”

Me: “Thyroid cancer, yes, last year.”

Nurse: “Any history of cancer?”

Me: “Thyroid. Cancer. Last. Year.”

Nurse: “Any chance you’re pregnant?”

Me: “No.”

Nurse: “You’re married. Are you sexually active?”

Me: “Yes, my wife and I are active.”

Nurse: “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”

Me: “No, I’m married to a woman.”

Nurse: “When was your last period?”

Me: “When I got my IUD put in last year. I haven’t had one since.”

Nurse: *disbelieving look* “So, you haven’t had a period in several months, but you’re not pregnant?”

My Wife: “Oh, my. We are sexually active. We are married. Lesbians!“

(The nurse left. A few minutes later, a male nurse apologetically came in and asked for my history again. He was much better and joked that lesbianisim was the best birth control.)

Very Bad Reception, Part 21

Canada, Lazy/Unhelpful, Medical Office, Quebec, Reception | Healthy | January 18, 2018


(There is a small medical clinic where I live. Usually, for walk-in patients, you get to the door very early, wait until they open it, then head for the desk, where you are assigned an appointment time for the day depending on the order of arrival. Usually, people behave and do not jump forward. Rarely, but sometimes, the clinic isn’t full, and going in mid-morning, you might still get a spot. It’s about 11, and I feel I might have a feminine infection. I stop by the clinic to see if there’s room.)

Secretary: “I’m sorry. There’s a new phone system in place. Now you have to call in the morning and leave your name and phone number. Someone will call you back with the time of your appointment.”

Me: “Well, I’m right here. Can’t you just give me a time?”

Secretary: “No, you have to call.”

Me: “Okay, fine.”

(I make two steps to the side, pick up my cellphone, take the card she gave me with the phone number, and start dialing. The secretary looks at me.)

Secretary: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Calling for an appointment. You said I absolutely had to call.”

Secretary: “Ugh… Okay, I’ll give you one.”

(I believe she suddenly realized that I would have left my info on the answering machine, that she would have listen to it, then call me back with the time, all while I was standing in front of her.)

Very Bad Reception, Part 20

Music | Working | April 21, 2017


(I work at a market research firm. Part of my job involves calling the manufacturers of high-tech devices to interview them. Some of the companies I call are very large, and others are quite small family firms. Some of the smaller companies have local radio stations on instead of hold music. Usually these are country music stations with ads about farm equipment. One time though:)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] calling from [Company]. Could I be connected with [Project Manager], please?”

Receptionist: “Sure thing. Please hold.”

Me: “Okay.”

Hold Music: *really loud gangsta rap* “MY MONEY AND MY HOES!”

(I started laughing so hard I had to hang up and call back again.)

Very Bad Reception, Part 19

Bosses & Owners, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Office, Spouses & Partners, UK | Working | November 27, 2017


Receptionist: “Hello, [Business].”

Me: “Hi. Could I please speak to [Manager], please?”

Receptionist: *click*

(I phone again, thinking I was just disconnected by accident.)

Receptionist: “Hello, [Business].”

Me: “Hi, I think—”

Receptionist: *click*

(Knowing she actually cut me off this time, I phone back again.)

Receptionist: “Hello, [Business].”

Me: “Why do you keep cutting me off?!”

Receptionist: “Because this is a cold call, and I’m told to hang up on them.”

Me: “Actually, I’m [Manager]’s husband, and I’d like to speak to him.”

Receptionist: “Yeah, right!” *laughing* “I’ve met his wife.” *click*

(Having had enough, I decide to just drive down.)

Receptionist: *smiling brightly* “Hello, welcome to [Business]. How can I help you?”

Me: “I’d like to speak to [Manager].”

Receptionist: “What reason do you have to speak to him? Do you have an appointment?”

Me: “I’m his husband, and no.”

(She realises who I am and sneers.)

Receptionist: *sarcastically* “Really? You’re that desperate?”

(Coincidently, my husband happens to walk by.)

Husband: “[My Name]? What are you doing here?”

Receptionist: “You know this degenerate?” *smugly* “I was just about to have him removed.”

Husband: “What? Why? He’s my husband!”

(The receptionist blushes and we stand in awkward silence for a few seconds.)

Me: *to the receptionist* “You want to explain?”

(The receptionist stammered through her explanation, with me inserting her claim that he had a wife after she neglected to mention it. My husband actually found it hilarious. She isn’t allowed near the phones anymore, though.)

Very Bad Reception, Part 18

Medical Office | Working | December 14, 2016


(I’m not the best at keeping track of things on the calendar. I realize that I have not booked an appointment to get my daughter’s follow up vaccines, so I call one morning.)

Me: “Hi, my daughter needs to get her booster shots. I’m afraid I’ve put this off by two months.”

Receptionist: “No problem. You can bring her in this morning.”

Me: “Oh! Perfect! Thanks! We’ll be in soon.”

(She takes my daughter’s name and info. I hung up and began to gather what we’d need for our time out of the house. Just as I reach the front door with diaper bag, book, and baby, the phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Receptionist: “Hi. This is [Receptionist] from [Doctor’s Office].”

Me: “Yes?”

Receptionist: “I’m afraid your daughter won’t be able to get her booster shots on a walk-in basis today as she is two months past schedule.”

Me: “Oh, yes, I know we’re late. What should I do then?”

Receptionist: “You’ll have to call for an appointment.”

Me: “Can I make the appointment now?”

Receptionist: “No. You’ll have to call to make an appointment.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I hang up, look up the number (this was before caller ID), and call the doctor’s office.)

Receptionist: *same voice as before* “Hello, [Doctor’s Office]. [Receptionist] speaking. How can I help you?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m calling to make an appointment for my daughter to get her booster shots.”

Receptionist: “Oh, you don’t need to call for that. She can get them as a walk in.”

Me: “No, I’ve put it off too long. I was told we’ll need an appointment.”

Receptionist: “No, you can just walk in.”

Me: “I was told by you that we’d need an appointment.”

Receptionist: “No, you can just walk in.”

Me: “You called me not three minutes ago saying we’d need an appointment.”

Receptionist: “No, you can just walk in.”

Me: “Okay, instead, I’ll be picking up my daughter’s medical records. We’ll be changing doctors. How soon can I get those?”

Receptionist: “Changing doctors? Why?”

Me: “Just please get the records together. I’ll pick them up in an hour.”

(We did change doctors. Sad, because I liked that one. But dealing with the receptionist was more than I could take.)

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Hey, Google, What Kind Of Cancer Do I Have?

Connecticut, Extra Stupid, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | January 18, 2018


(I stop in a pharmacy to pick up some medication. I hear the following from a lady next to me.)

Woman: “I want to buy this!”

(She points at medicine on the shelf behind the pharmacist.)

Pharmacist: “That’s prescription medication. You can’t buy that. I’m sorry.”

Woman: “I NEED IT!”

Pharmacist: “Okay, well, we still can’t give you the medication. You need a prescription.”

Woman: “No! WEBMD SAID I HAVE CANCER AND I NEED THIS!”

Pharmacist: “Ma’am, I recommend you see your doctor before you get a self-diagnosis off of the Internet.”

Woman: “You’re a doctor! And I KNOW I HAVE CANCER!”

Pharmacist: “Actually, I’m not a—”

Woman: “YOU ALL WANT ME TO DIE OF CANCER! I AM REPORTING YOU TO THE POLICE!”

(She then proceeds to run out of the store, knocking down several displays and screaming “I NEED PENICILLIN! I HAVE CANCER!”)

Me: *mumbling* “How does she think penicillin will cure cancer, anyway?”

Pharmacist: “That’s not even penicillin.”

Her Hearing Is Going But Her Eyes Are Sharp As A Hawk’s

Bizarre, Golden Years, Health & Body, home, UK | Healthy | January 17, 2018


(I work in a local doctor’s surgery, running a clinic fixing hearing aids. I’m at home with my family when the doorbell rings. An elderly lady is standing outside.)

Elderly Lady: “Hello, are you the hearing aid lady?”

Me: “Yes…”

Elderly Lady: *hands me a small package* “The hospital posted me a new hearing aid mould, but I don’t know how to fit it. I didn’t want to wait for the clinic.”

Me: “How did you find me?”

Elderly Lady: “I saw you going home and I recognised you. Can you put my hearing aid together?”

Me: “Uh… sure.”

(I do it on the spot; it’s a ten-second job.)

Elderly Lady: “Thank you! Bye!”

Me: *speechless*

I Got 99 Problems, But My Age Ain’t One

Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurse, UK | Healthy | January 17, 2018


(My mum had a stroke two weeks ago. As she was in the hospital at the time it was caught exceptionally quickly, and her doctors believe there will only be some short-term memory loss. I don’t believe there is any, for the reason I am about to tell you. I have dropped by to visit when there are several nurses and her doctor by her bed, arguing.)

Mum: “See? There’s my son. Ask him if you don’t believe me!”

Me: “What’s going on?”

Doctor: “We believe it might be a sign of memory loss. You mother is adamant that her grandmother is still alive.”

Me: “She is. She turns 100 next week. You met her last Friday before she was discharged.”

Doctor: *stutters* “I…I see… She also believes that money has been stolen from her purse; £100 pounds to be exact. Can you confirm that she had this money in her purse while staying here?”

Me: “Yes. It was for my great-grandmother’s birthday. She literally got it out of the ATM in the hospital’s atrium what, twenty minutes before she had her stroke?”

(My mum nods.)

Me: “In fact, that’s why I came around. She called me this morning to get a card.”

(I shook the bag in my hand and the doctor blushed furiously at the realisation that everything my mum said was accurate. All the nurses then backed away, seemingly suspicious of each other. They never found the money, or figured out who stole it, but my mum demanded to be immediately moved to another hospital, and the nurses managed to pool together £100 themselves as compensation. My mum refused to take it, though, as she saw it as an admission that they collectively stole it.)

Treating Depression With Tongue Firmly In Cheek

Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Oklahoma, Punny, Tulsa, USA | Healthy | January 17, 2018


(On my most recent office visit, I get some coffee but am hustled into a room before I can mix in cream or sugar. I spot a container of tongue depressors and grab one to stir. The nurse chuckles a bit at my audacity, but it makes perfect sense to me; it’s just like any other wooden coffee stirrer. Then, I have a bright idea. A few moments later my doctor walks in:)

Me: “I think I need Zoloft for my tongue.”

Doctor: “Why is that?”

Me: “It’s been depressed.”

(I got the laugh I hoped for. Nice to have a doctor with a sense of humor.)

Enough To Bring Tears To Your (Infected) Eyes

Arizona, Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Jerk, Optometrist/Optician, USA | Healthy | January 16, 2018


(A customer comes in for a contact lens appointment. Their last appointment was nearly two years previous. They have an eye infection, so we bill them for a medical treatment visit.)

Customer: “What is this charge here? I wasn’t charged for this last time.”

Me: “Last time, you didn’t have an eye infection. We had to charge you a copay for that because of your medical insurance.”

Customer: “You didn’t ask me before doing all that; you can’t charge me for it.”

Me: “But you did want contact lenses, right?”

Customer: “Obviously.”

Me: “The doctor can’t give them to you until that eye infection is cleared up; that’s why this was a medical visit.”

Customer: “Well, the eye infection was your fault, anyway.”

Me: “Umm, but it was from over-wearing your contacts, correct?”

Customer: “Yes, but that’s your fault.”

Me: “Ma’am, you made a three-months supply of contacts last 20 months. I’m quite sure we didn’t recommend you do that.”

Customer: “Well, the contacts are too expensive! I couldn’t afford enough of them.”

Me: “Then, might I recommend you get glasses instead? We have a large selection of frames to choose from.”

Customer: “Glasses make people look stupid.”

Me: *laughs awkwardly, as all the other employees wear glasses, as do I* “Well, actually…”

Customer: “I don’t want glasses; I want contacts, and I’m not going to pay for things I didn’t ask for. If you don’t want people to get eye infections, you need to sell contacts cheaper.”

Me: “Ma’am, if you don’t pay for your visit, we cannot provide you with a prescription for contacts.”

Customer: “That’s just unprofessional!” *pays and then flounces out of office*

Bean There, Done Cat

Arizona, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Silly, Tucson, USA, Vet | Healthy | January 16, 2018


(I am playing with one of the clinic cats, Bean, and toss a toy to him. Unfortunately, I miss and hit him in the face, though he doesn’t seem to mind. Bean is cute, but he’s not the brightest cat ever. Later, I am telling the vet about it.)

Me: “I feel kind of bad. I beaned Bean in the head with a toy.”

Doctor: “That’s okay; there’s nothing up there, anyway.”

The Needling Issue Doesn’t Have To Be

Hospital, Japan, Non-Dialogue, Nurse, Tokyo | Healthy | January 16, 2018


Due to a chronic condition, I needed to have a series of blood tests done, some of which required larger gauge needles than normal. I headed to the hospital closest to my apartment in Tokyo, waited to see the specialist, and got my notes to take to the blood draw lab reception.

The intake nurses were a bit flustered to be treating me, but my Japanese was good enough that I got through the first steps just fine. Then, I headed into the blood test room and the nurse there started telling me that the tests would hurt, the needles are pretty big, etc., and that in Japan, they don’t use skin-numbing cream. I assured her that I’d be fine, but she didn’t believe me and stomped out of the room to find a nurse that spoke English, despite the fact that we had been conversing in Japanese just fine.

I took off my cardigan, and my heavily-tattooed arms were now visible, right when the nurse came back, dragging a young doctor behind her. He looked at me and said to the nurse, “I think she’s okay with needles,” then burst out laughing as the nurse just gawked at me. Turns out I was the first foreign patient she’d ever taken blood from and she was terrified I’d flip out or faint because of the needles.

No, There’s Not An App For That

Extra Stupid, Michigan, USA, Vet | Healthy | January 15, 2018


(I work for a vet clinic.)

Me: “[Clinic]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, my dog is coughing. Do you know why?”

Me: “Well, that could be any number of reasons. You’d really need to come in for us to know.”

Customer: “Oh, so, you can’t diagnose over the phone?”

Me: “No?”

The Bone Isn’t The Only Thing Broken Around Here

Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurse, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, USA | Healthy | January 15, 2018


(I fall in my house while holding my two-year-old. As I fall, I turn my body to hold her against the wall so I do not crush her, and as a result, end up with a spiral fracture on my fibula, and a broken and dislocated ankle. When I arrive at the hospital, they try to wrench my ankle back into place but don’t quite align it, so they have to do it again. Of course, this time I know it’s coming, so they decide to use some sort of anesthesia that is meant to make the patient woozy and forget what happened. I’m concerned about whether this will work, and express that concern to the nurse preparing me for the injection.)

Nurse: “Don’t worry; you won’t remember a thing! It probably won’t hurt, either.”

Me: “Can’t you just use this with some actual pain medicine, too?”

(The only pain medicine I’ve received at ALL has been two doses of Fentanyl administered by the paramedics, an hour ago. Fentanyl at the dose I was given lasts 20 minutes, tops.)

Nurse: “Look: you won’t remember, and you won’t feel anything. The only time you might feel something is if I pricked you with a pin, or something!” *he says this as though he’s a genius for thinking of this persuasive argument*

Me: “You mean like the kind of pain I’d feel if someone was moving around my dislocated ankle?!”

(I remembered everything. They also acted like they were doing me a massive favor in keeping me overnight instead of sending me home with three broken bones before surgery the next day. I finally got pain medicine six hours later at the room they begrudgingly gave me, and the call button didn’t work! I had to call my own room phone number with my cell phone and let it ring until a nurse came, because I couldn’t find the nurse’s station phone number!)

Got A Triple Of Problems With Your Diagnosis

Chicago, Illinois, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | January 15, 2018


(I’m at my ob-gyn office for a prenatal check-up. I’ve been going to this office for six years. A doctor I’ve never seen before walks in.)

Doctor: “You’re here to renew your hormonal birth control prescription?”

Me: “No?”

(I’m just entering my third trimester with triplets. He could see my belly if he’d look up from his phone. You could see my belly from the other side of the state at this point!)

Doctor: *looks confused for a second but still doesn’t make eye contact, instead condescendingly says* “You are aware that condoms aren’t 100% effective, right?”

Me: “Gee, I wish you’d told me that seven months ago…”

(He finally looked up and tried to pass it off as there being another patient in the office right that minute with my very unusual first and last name.)

That’s What I (N)Said

British Columbia, Canada, Pharmacy | Healthy | January 14, 2018


Customer: *holding a box of OTC medication* “Excuse me. My wife is allergic to the Niacide family.”

Me: “Pardon? Do you mean NSAIDs?”

Customer: “No! NIACIDES!”

(I give him a puzzled look.)

Customer: “You know, ibuprofen and stuff!”

Me: “Right… NSAIDs.”

Customer: “Oh, whatever. Can she take this or not?”

(Then he showed me a box of acetaminophen.)